Patronising jokes about Americans

13 Oct 99 - 06:39 PM (#123580)
Subject: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ewan McVicar

Having been wearily sadded by the occasional resurfacing around here of 'songs' and 'amusing' discussions about haggis hunting and what is worn under the kilt, I have been racking my grey cells to think what the equivalently patronisingly insulting 'humorous' topics about Americans would be.
I can think of ones re Australians, but I can't think of any that would make Americans quite as hacked off as the above subjects make Scots. What 'jokey' topics / cliches about Americans annoy American, pray tell?
Does "Oversexed, overpaid, and over here" do it?
Assumptions that you are all cowboys?
What?

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13 Oct 99 - 06:59 PM (#123588)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: katlaughing

Assuming we are all the Ugly....patronising....lords of the universe

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13 Oct 99 - 07:14 PM (#123597)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Lonesome EJ

Any kind of a joke indicating that we are Not the guardians of Liberty and Peace tends to get our dander up. Or when the French kid us, saying we would still be a British Colony if not for Lafayette. We also hate all forms of humor which imply that our automobile manufacturing is sub-standard. Also, snide jabs at the Kennedys are strictly taboo. And please stay away from the "fast food" humor.

Actually, Americans are quite sure that we are at least as silly as any other country on the planet, and we would welcome any additional jibes that we haven't already come up with.*

* Except unwarranted sarcasm from the Canadians, who are just jealous.

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13 Oct 99 - 07:16 PM (#123598)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: SeanM

I don't know... I think we make fun of ourselves too much for it to get under the collective skin... such things happen with as many subcultures... The Californians mock the Southerners who mock the Yankees who mock the Midwesterners who mock....

Sorry!

I suppose you could just try and get more actors elected... that's a pretty harsh mockery...

M

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13 Oct 99 - 08:09 PM (#123609)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

Remember the old Stan Freeberg record with the joke about "President Reagan".... then years later it became a reality? Then there is Green Christmas by Stan Freeberg, a top hit in Nov/Dec 1958, Mr Scrooge as Chairman of the Board getting rich from Christmas. We are easy targets for anything about materialism and greed... it's too true to make us angry, except at ourselves. Joke about us to your hearts delight, Ewan. I remember when I was in El Salvador, I asked my neighbors who they made jokes about. They explained that the Central American countries all make jokes about each other's presidents. The El Salvdor President said to the Guatemalan president, etc. In Montana the jokes are about North Dakotans. I think in Idaho, the jokes are about Montana (or is it Wyoming?).

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13 Oct 99 - 08:15 PM (#123614)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bedlam

I know a lovely tune about Ted Kennedy, appropriately titled "The Ode to Ted Kennedy".

(sung to the tune of "The Irish Washerwoman")

Oh, your mother is dead and your father is dead and your brother is dead and your brother is dead and your brother is dead and your wife is a drunk and your kid has one leg and your car doesn't float.

We're working on a second verse, beginning:

Oh, your nephew can't ski and your nephew can't fly...

any help on your part is appreciated.

Is that patronising enough?

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13 Oct 99 - 10:42 PM (#123668)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. Maybe you Scots are picked on because you have such a distinctive culture. It's easy to focus on, wheras, America is populated with a mix of mongrels, which makes it harder to zero in on. (By the by Ewan, some of us over here are also Scottish)

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13 Oct 99 - 10:51 PM (#123672)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: bseed(charleskratz)

Look to the politico/economic system which insures that only whores can be elected president or senator or governor or dog catcher... --seed

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13 Oct 99 - 11:11 PM (#123679)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Les B

One of the things that got under my skin until I got used to, when I lived overseas, was being referred to as a "Yank" . By the way do you know the definition of a Yankee ? - that's a Quickie with yourself.

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14 Oct 99 - 12:00 AM (#123698)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49

Well, we're about to run El Swanno for governor of California and there's really nothing odd about that. So where do you expect to find a joke in this country? There's plenty of regional and ethnic humor, but "collectively" I don't think we give a turkey. Too big, too many, too much.

And then I'm reminded of the old Will Rogers line,
"When Congress makes a joke, its a law
...and when they make a law, its a joke!"

Not much left to be said is there?

Spaw

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14 Oct 99 - 12:22 AM (#123709)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: ddw

Hey Seed,

Whatcha got against whores, maligning them like that?

:-)

david

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14 Oct 99 - 12:44 AM (#123717)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: katlaughing

Bseed...if the American people would get off their arses and vote, then we might see some real change in politics. I am sure you are one of those who do, but to those who rant and rave, but do NOT vote, I say, shut up or put up!

katwhoisstillnotashamedtosayshevotedforClintonwhoisnoworsethantherest,justdumbenoughtogetcaught!

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14 Oct 99 - 02:07 AM (#123730)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Escamillo

I can't contribute with North American humor, but here in the South, we suffer Spanish and French jokes about Argentinians, which describe very well some aspects of our idiosyncrasy, for example:
- What is an Argentinian ? A man who, with one hand indicates the Universe to you, and with the other hand touches your wife's butt.

- What is an Argentinian doing alone at the top of the Eiffel Tower ? - He is looking how Paris looks like, without him.

- What do Argentinians descend from ? - They descend from planes, from ships, from trains, from .. uff

- Once in a police contest, there were the American Police, the British, and the Argentinians. A rabbit was freed, and after an hour the policemen should bring the rabbit. The Americans caught the rabbit in 5 minutes, as soon as the satellite detected it, and a fleet of helicopters did the job. Then came the British with the rabbit in 15 minutes, because they movilized a huge apparatus of higly trained forces who caught the rabbit while running. An hour passed, then two. After SIX hours the Argentinians came in, carrying a pig, injured, bleeding, and shouting "I AM A RABBIT !!! I AM A RABBIIIIITT!!!"

Yours, Andrés Magré

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14 Oct 99 - 02:12 AM (#123731)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Lonesome EJ

LOL... those are great Andres!

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14 Oct 99 - 02:23 AM (#123732)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: bseed(charleskratz)

ddw, I have nothing but respect and sympathy for honest sex workers--but try to find a politician with a heart of gold... --seed

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14 Oct 99 - 03:37 AM (#123742)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Steve Parkes

LEJ, I like the Lafayette one, but it might be a bit too pro-French for this side of the pond!

Steve

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14 Oct 99 - 03:48 AM (#123745)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeremiah McCaw

I do somewhat enjoy, when visiting my friends in Texas, sneaking the phrase "damn Yankees" into a conversation. With a VERY visible smile on my face, I assure you ("Smile when you say that, partner").

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14 Oct 99 - 07:42 AM (#123771)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Auxiris

I believe that the most truly patronising and/or insulting thing to say about Americans or to include in jokes about Americans is to refer to them as "colonials"; that's a sure winner (but I don't recommend it). Another good way to get under an American's skin is to make fun of his/her accent.

cheers,

Auxiris

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14 Oct 99 - 08:07 AM (#123773)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49

Sorry there Aux, but neither of those gets to me in the least.

I honestly think that Seed must be angling for a discount.

Spaw

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14 Oct 99 - 09:00 AM (#123782)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

I'll go along with the accent thing.. nothing pisses us Mainers off like Fred Gwynn in Pet Semetary, and Tom Bosley in Murder she wrote. Ther is also the fact that we dont get no respect.. that movie, Andre, the real Andre was a seal that lived in the waters of Maine. The movie critter was a California Sea Lion.

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14 Oct 99 - 09:03 AM (#123784)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Auxiris

Spaw, perhaps you've not a) traveled in Britain b) lived in a foreign country or c) you've a very thick hide.

By the way, Ewan, I did forget to mention that "cowboy" is an honourable occupation, not a social condition.

A

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14 Oct 99 - 09:10 AM (#123785)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Larry B.

Let's see: we rebelled against the British government, then fought another war against them 30 years later; then we fought a war against ourselves, and two wars later we were on the same side.

As 'Spaw noted, we are too diverse a group to have national characteristics to ridicule, and cracks about our political leaders don't work because we have already taken most of the good ones (jokes, that is).

Whenever anyone does get in a good dig on us, most of us are laughing with them in a minute or two, and in a year or two we have changed to the point that the joke doesn't make sense.

LB

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14 Oct 99 - 09:38 AM (#123794)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Peter T.

As a Canadian student for a number of years in American schools, the only thing I ever discovered that really made Americans mad was to describe the anti-Catholic, intolerant, racist elements of the American Revolution and its immediate aftermath. When we had class presentations, I used to pick as my topic either the failed American attempts to persuade Quebec to join their Southern neighbours (treated as a hilarious marketing disaster) or the forced expulsion of the Loyalists, or the British freeing of black slaves who fought against the Americans and resettling them as free people in Nova Scotia and elsewhere. These never failed to get a rise out of everyone, and made me subject to any number of schoolyard fights. As far as I can tell, this still seems to be untouchable.

But mostly things are much better: they seem to have absorbed the horrible treatment of the Cherokee, etc., and have almost begun to think about the long sad history in Latin America. The great thing about America is that it has thousands of American people inside willing to point all these things out and scream about them. It is big and yappy, which is great. My country has about 15 pointing out what goes on here, which is why they are so tired all the time. Everybody else is out shopping.
yours, Peter T.

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14 Oct 99 - 10:22 AM (#123812)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert

Although often the subject of jokes, one of the reasons I came here was for the culture. Now before you all ROTFL, just rememeber that 'American Culture' is just one of the things that us Mudcat is all about.

Bert.

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14 Oct 99 - 11:13 AM (#123830)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Auxiris

Thank you ever so much for mentioning that America does have a culture, Bert. I do have a difficult time convincing people here in "Europe" that there is indeed such a thing (they generally laugh) and trying to tell them that if they don't like "fast food, disco and the gospel according to Mickey Mouse", then they have only to choose amongst the many other marvellous things that America has to offer. . .

A

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14 Oct 99 - 12:05 PM (#123844)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Steve Parkes

Quite right, Auxiris. Why we have three drive-past McDonalds within a ten-mile radius at home.

Steve

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14 Oct 99 - 02:15 PM (#123887)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Marki

Well, I'm a wanna-be American (for reasons I won't go into here), but there is one thing I absolutely despise about the US. And it's something that really irks most Americans when you mention it. What is it? Well, what Americans call football, SUCKS! What is it with the NFL anyways? Overpaid, oversexed, overdrugged, 400 pounders who have less talent as a team than most Canadian Football League players have in their little fingers!!! God Bless American and all that, but their football stinks. Who couldn't score with four downs? And whats with the tiny little field? And the scores -- 14 to 7? Now that's something exciting to watch!

So while insulting American Football isn't exactly a joke, (well their football is but that's beside the point), it sure gets their dander up!

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14 Oct 99 - 02:22 PM (#123891)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: sophocleese

Actually Ewan, although they like to say things such as "we are so diverse that there isn't anything you can joke about," the simple fact of the matter is that if you want make a patronizing joke about Americans you have to make it slow and simple, otherwise they don't understand it.

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14 Oct 99 - 02:46 PM (#123904)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

American football is a joke? As far as I'm concerned, ALL sporting events are a joke. I cant think of anything less relevent in my life than which bunch of glandular cases wins or loses some silly ass ball kicking/throwing/hitting thing.!!! Witness tyhose idiots who go berserk just because their team wins... or loses. If this doesn't drop a clod in the churn, I dont know what will!!

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14 Oct 99 - 03:05 PM (#123910)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Lonesome EJ

OK, Marki, that did it! If you think Canadian Football has the NFL beat for talent, you probably also think the other three major sports are Arena Soccer, Roller Derby, and Professional Wrestling.

And those who think McDonald's exemplifies the apex of American Culture are certainly overlooking some other major fast food chains who specialize in nourishing, delicious menu items served piping hot in less than 5 minutes. There is certainly nothing in France that is anything like the White Castle Hamburger.

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14 Oct 99 - 03:46 PM (#123938)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert

Those who criticize McDonalds had never been to a Wimpy Bar in England in the Seventies. The meat in their burgers was 2 inches diameter about 1/8th. of an inch thick and tasted like cardboard.

And why worry about sports, Marki? Just play or watch (or not) whatever you like. I like to watch an occasional game of soccer on TV, gives me an excuse to relax for 90 minutes and drink a few beers.

The ultimate spectator sport is Australian rules football but we don't see very much of it over here. And I do hear that some people watch golf on TV, Yikes!!! How thrilling!

Let's get back to the jokes. 'Cleese! slow and simple indeed! I'll get you for that ;-)

I did hear of this Texan who went to Ireland. He was watching Paddy harvest his spuds. He says "You call them potatoes! why in Texas we have potatoes three times that size.
Paddy replies "To be sure, we all grow them to fit our mouths"

I told that one once, to a Texan with an Irish background. Poor guy didn't know whether to laugh or be annoyed.

Bert.

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14 Oct 99 - 05:44 PM (#123960)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Peter T.

Canadian Football is to American Football as slush is to sludge. I mean, really.
yours, Peter T.

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14 Oct 99 - 05:47 PM (#123961)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Cara

The thing about Canada is, they could have had British culture, French food, and American technology, but instead they have British food, French technology, and American culture. It's a shame really.

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14 Oct 99 - 06:13 PM (#123972)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Marki

Actually I'm not terribly into sports. I watch CFL & NHL games and play football & ice hockey when I get the chance. As I didn't have any American jokes handy, I slammed one of their sacred institutions -- the NFL. That certainly got a reaction. Just what I'd hoped for. Wasn't that the whole point of this thread -- "hacking off Americans" (as per Ewans first message)? (And really, I do love the US, it's only the NFL I despise!)

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14 Oct 99 - 06:25 PM (#123976)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Lonesome EJ

OK Marki, the back-bacon jokes are gonna come out any time now!

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14 Oct 99 - 07:09 PM (#123991)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: JedMarum

Interesting thread!

I must say the funniest, 'get your American anger up" stories' I ever heard was a true one, told to me by a Texas born freind whose Dad shipped over to the Eurpoean War (WWII) via England. He was absolutely incensed when he saw the "Welcome Yanks!" signs welcoming the US troops. He was reportedly ready to turn around and go home at the insult. He'd never been mistaken for a Yankee before!

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14 Oct 99 - 07:24 PM (#123995)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint

I've only two question about American culture,

1. What size petri dish does it come in?

2. Is it safe to keeep in the refridgerator?

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14 Oct 99 - 07:30 PM (#123997)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: ddw

Ah, Seed....

You took my point exactly. Whores are much more likely to do something good for society than politicians are.

david

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14 Oct 99 - 09:09 PM (#124032)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

Gint, it depends on if you are referring to the "organic" culture or the "genetically engineered" culture. One comes from a compost pile, the other comes from a sterile environment.

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14 Oct 99 - 09:34 PM (#124043)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: katlaughing

LOL! Good one, Alice!

While we're talking about euphemisms, who in the world ever decided to call it the "water closet" and the "loo"?? Talk about calling a spade a spade!

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14 Oct 99 - 11:05 PM (#124074)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bill D

I dunno,,,out where we hold our festival,at a park, they called it a 'comfort station' till just recently

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15 Oct 99 - 12:07 AM (#124094)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: johntm

Make fun of baseball played by anybody but the New York Yankees.

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15 Oct 99 - 01:07 AM (#124103)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Barry Finn

I know what a whore is but what's a football. Barry

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15 Oct 99 - 02:07 AM (#124121)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint

In England there is a game which until 20yrs ago was only played by women, girls and children upto 12yrs old we call it rounders you call it baseball (our lot don't chew tobbaco & cus as much)

the only redeeming feature about your sports is you didn't invent cricket (increadaby boring game)

I actually admire America, you have some of the best polititions money can buy.

At least you have the freedom of information act, but hten again you proberably need it more than we do

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15 Oct 99 - 02:26 AM (#124127)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint

As it is now 7:20am in th U.K. I have to collect Ferret and go to Tintagel in Cornwall (the other end of the country) to sort out a show (o.k. we stand in a field and say mmm beer tent there, music there fire there.

so I will be gone about 5 days (it's a big field)that means a lot of reading when I get back.

Q. How can you trust a man who spends millions to get the job as president, knowing that it only pays thousands.

Q How can you expect to me a major force in the world if you inflict things like Pee Wee Herman on us

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15 Oct 99 - 03:25 AM (#124131)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

Auxirus & Sophocleese,

I am sure we are not very cultured, it is why we fight so often...........in every damn mess you folks in Europe make then ask us to clean up. And then turn to us for the funds to rebuild the country. We are a bit dense to do all that. And we are a bit slow, so we appreciate your talking slow everytime there is a natural disaster anywhere in the world and we run in with rescue teams and economic aid. And we really should have been cultured enough not to act like the Europeans did in Valderama as they verbally insulted our players, and held their little celebrations. Don't remember it, well they were very similar to the ones that Parnevick and Garcia held when they would chip one in a few weeks ago..............Now there I go again, being an uncultured Yank, thin skinned lot that we are for wondering why we keep doing these things. Just a couple of observations.

All the best,

Mick

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15 Oct 99 - 04:10 AM (#124136)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Auxiris

Mick. . . first off, I do not happen to be a European; I am an American national who has been living in France for nearly fourteen years and I am as thin-skinned as they come. I have this stupid tendency to tremble with rage every time I hear some pratt (same as "asshole", or do I have to specify?) laugh at my accent, call me a Yank, or worse, as I said earlier, colonial or talk about how Americans are nothing but overgrown children, etc., etc. I do not make the messes, as you say, over here in so-called "Europe" and can do little about them as I do not have the right to vote--having had sufficient sentimentality to cling to my American citizenship all these years. Just a few thoughts!

best, Auxiris

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15 Oct 99 - 08:51 AM (#124175)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

Auxiris,

Gotcha................LOL.

All the best, really!!!! (chuckle)Mick

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15 Oct 99 - 09:13 AM (#124182)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

definition of Yankee.. If you are in Europe, a yankee is someone who lives in the western hemisphere. In the west. hem. a yankee is someone who lives in North America, If you are in North America, a yankee is someone who lives in New England .If you are in New England, a yankee is someone who lives in Vermont. In Vermont a yankee is someone who eats pie for breakfast

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15 Oct 99 - 09:41 AM (#124189)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert

Cara, Now don't you go maligning British food or I'll slap you with a kipper;-)

Bert.

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15 Oct 99 - 09:51 AM (#124196)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49

I used to travel abroad, quite a few as a matter of fact......then I got married. The travelling is much better now.

Ya know, I think the reason Americans may be sometimes thin skinned is that we think the rest of the world is tremendously inferior and incredible dumbasses. We were taught this in school. "America is the greatest country on earth." Well its a damn fine place with much to its credit and even more to aspire to, and I may love what it could be although disliking what we've become...but that's another topic. In this case, I'm simply saying we were given a superior feeling from the gitgo...starting with calling ourselves "Americans" as if no one else in North, Central, or South America could use the word. I get a real charge out of the debates over Euro, Afro, and World centered history. Even now, though we pay a little credit to others, we pretty much teach "American (US) Centered History." Hey, if we ain't a big part of it, or the root of it...screw it! How important can it be?

I know the term "Enlightened American" is perhaps oxymoronic, but most of us at the 'Cat are a lttle more enlightened than most, shall we say? The truth of what many believe is more like Paw, Cletus, and Buford. EVERYBODY ELSE has an accent; English folks are OK but they use a lot of funny words; first we kicked their ass and now we are bailing it out all the time; the French can't be trusted and besides, they don't shave and they piss in the streets; as Carlin says, if you're brown people, we are likely to bomb the shit out of you on general principles; Germans build great cars, but we can kick their asses anytime, already done it twice; Aussies are OK, I love that Crocodile Dundee guy, but they really didn't win the America's Cup..Dennis lost it-but he came back and just killed them later;........and a hundred more thoughts along the same lines. And its not so much of a bigoted feeling you get from them, just a tremendous sense of superiority. And think about it...its what we were taught.

The stuff cracks me up. But being stupid and thick skinned helps a lot.......I ain't the one that's messed up, I'm an American!!!

Spaw

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15 Oct 99 - 10:27 AM (#124209)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

My boss is Australian. He has lived in the US for quite awhile. Among his complaints about Americans... we have no sense of humor.

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15 Oct 99 - 10:37 AM (#124215)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Auxiris

Okay, I guess we understand one another a little bit better now, Mick. No hard feelings! Love the definition of yankee, kendall; had never heard it before. . .LOL! I had heard it said somewhere that "yankee" is a mispronunciation of Jan Kees, a sort of generic (?) name for Dutch people, but don't know if it's true. I was taught in school that America was the best country on earth, too, Spaw---but everybody's got a piece of the truth, hey?

Best to all,

Auxiris

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15 Oct 99 - 10:39 AM (#124217)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49

LMAO...gawd I love it Alice!!!!

Spaw

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15 Oct 99 - 11:43 AM (#124231)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Loretta Grace

Have to put in my two cents :)

In Spain, I met this girl once who simply would not listen to me when I told her Americans do not eat hamburgers every night. "I know someone who went," she'd tell me. "Maybe YOU don't eat hamburgers every night, but everyone else in America does." It was surreal.

In Greece this summer, I used to pretend I was from Canada... There was all this graffitti all over Athens that said U-swatstika-A, which was kind of disturbing. Greece was really against our involvement in Kosovo, which I was too, so there -- but it was easier to get things for cheap when I said, Emay apo teen Canada :)

I guess so far as jokes go, nothing bothers me. But outright ignorance and hatred does.

Loretta

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15 Oct 99 - 12:07 PM (#124240)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert

Don't forget that the rest of the world learns what America is like from watching TV.

I know that, in the Middle East, they learned to drive by watching Dukes of Hazzard.

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15 Oct 99 - 12:15 PM (#124246)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

I just thought it would be funny to see if I could get under the skin of a person who would start a thread about how to get under the skin of Americans....LOL......I didn't think it would work.......I think my old buddy 'Spaw is spot on in his comments. And although my comment was tongue in cheek based on an article I read in The Grand Rapids Press, whose editorial stance is somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan, there is an element of truth in it.

Mick

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15 Oct 99 - 12:36 PM (#124258)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ewan McVicar

Lots of interesting points. I see some people prefer the ancient humour form of name-calling to that of the patronising joke. The patronising joke requires I think a mixture of liking and a sense of superiority, rather like patting an older person on the head in a friendly manner.
I do of course know there are many people of Scots extraction in the USA, and that they have to keep calling themselves Scottish because there is no other country name available to them. Every other American country has a name, but the United States only possesses initials, and its citizens must call themselves by the name of the continent rather than Usans.
How sad. As if people in Scotland could only call themselves Europeans, because there was no name for where they lived.
And over here a cowboy is someone who does a shoddy job with poor workmanship. How that got derived from the honourable trade of cowpunching I do not know.

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15 Oct 99 - 12:40 PM (#124262)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

Well done, Ewan. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......it is why you are one of the great posters........hahahahahahahahahaha

Mick

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15 Oct 99 - 12:51 PM (#124265)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49

Hmmm...Ewan, you make me think here..........ya' know maybe we ought to go with "USISH"....I think Peter T. would find that a fair assessment of us!**GBFG**

Spaw

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15 Oct 99 - 12:56 PM (#124271)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Lonesome EJ

I was staying at a youth hostel in Switzerland many years ago, having lunch two tables away from a group of Japanese people about my age (22 at the time). They were having a lively conversation in Japanese. One of the group suddenly stood up and walked over to me. " Are you American?" He asked. When I answered yes, he asked " and is there prejudice against Japanese in America?" I answered "yes" again, and he turned to his friends with a big smile, because I had apparently settled an argument in his favor. I did not think to ask if there was prejudice against Americans in Japan, but I wonder if his answer would have been as honest as mine.

I think the essence of the American nature is directness. We want to get to the point, stop messing around, don't waste time,solve that problem. It is our strength and our weakness. We tend to barge ahead full speed, and often we do so without having all the facts at hand. We are often naive and clumsy in our actions as a nation, sometimes achieving negative results with the best of intentions. We are in a hurry, so don't bother us with the petty details.

---

15 Oct 99 - 01:40 PM (#124287)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert

Ewan, The term 'Cowboy' used derogatively is derived from the ongoing badinage between town and country folk. There are many songs on the subject, 'Hayseed', 'Zebra Dun' and 'Arkansas Traveller' to name a few.

Many other expressions have been used by folk to describe people who find themselves out of their element. Such as greenhorn, tenderfoot, Swede gnawer, carrot cruncher and so on.

I don't think it's specifically American, I've heard similar sayings in the Middle East such as 'only people is the villages say that' or 'Only the old men say that'

Bert.

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15 Oct 99 - 02:52 PM (#124324)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

hmmm.... if cowboys really did a 'shoddy job of poor workmanship' there would be no American beef to fill those McDonald's burger buns, no steaks, no tacos, no.... well, you get the picture. Now, if you want to start the jokes about sheepherders.........

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15 Oct 99 - 03:01 PM (#124333)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert

That reminds me Alice, 'sheepshagger' is another such term.

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15 Oct 99 - 06:40 PM (#124410)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ewan McVicar

Bert,
I take your point about the worldwide mutual contempt between town and country. I remember that in Aden, now in South Yemen, Budoui (Bedouin) was an insult and a popular song was "Denish keshiya" (I am not a farmer). But the word cowboy as a term of criticism has I think much more specific usage. It used I think to refer to the building trade but now has wider currency.

---

15 Oct 99 - 06:55 PM (#124419)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Rick Fielding

My spiritual and comedic hero, guru and philosophical mentor Quentin Crisp (who calls himself "the last of England's stately Homos"), has a wonderful line about America. "Any American who doesn't want to murder you, will be your friend for life".

If it's any value from someone who has done a fair amount of international travelling over the years, Americans are the most helpful in every way. There may be a lot of agressive Yankee nutbars seemingly on permanent vacations around the world, but when you're feeling lonely and lost somewhere...gimme a Yank anytime.

Canadians and Brits are of course politer, but ask them for directions to anything but the immediate ground they're standing on and you're outta luck.

Oh, and another thing: Americans tend to have opinions on everything...and I LOVE that! The only real problem I've ever had in the States (other than nobody knowing a thing about Canada....but most Canadians don't either) is the hiway cops. Hate the uniforms, hate the attitude...hate those damn speeding tickets ya can get in Copake NY. at 2 am.

Rick

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15 Oct 99 - 10:07 PM (#124469)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: annamill

johntm, also Boston Red Sox!! Now here we could make jokes, patronizing or not, but being the caring wonderful people we are here at Mudcat, we won't will we!! Just keep watching. I've been watching since 1974...I'm still here for them and this just may be the year I'm justified.

;-) **BG**

Love, annap (go Boston) Clemens at Fenway..whoooo.

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15 Oct 99 - 10:43 PM (#124475)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Lyle

Guess I might as well get in my $0.02 worth! I've traveled over a major part of the world (except the one place I've wanted to go since I was about 5 years old, and that's Australia). It's my opinion that the same thing gets most people ticked off the world over - that somehow our country of origin defines us as individuals. That is to say that people outside France think all Frenchpersons are alike, people outside (insert country XX here) think all (XX'ers) are alike. Please get to know me, then decide if I'm a neat sort or an a**hole.

Lyle

---

16 Oct 99 - 01:51 AM (#124521)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Hutzul

This one is rather geographically specific, but if you really want to irritate a Chicagoan, pantomime a machine gun and ask if he knows any mobsters.

Of course, if he is a TRUE Chicagoan, he WILL know some.

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16 Oct 99 - 04:25 PM (#124652)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Rusika

My father-in-law, a career US Navy man, went into a pub in Australia shortly after the end of WW II. He saw that they had mince pie on the menu and ordered a large serving with a big scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. The man behind the counter of course argued with him, but to no avail. (GR was nothing if not stubborn). Placing the order before him, the pub owner was heard to mutter "damned yanks will eat anything". My father-in-law was forced by his own pride to eat a large serving of chopped beef pie with ice cream topping.

By the way, I believe cowboy is also used to describe someone who is reckless and unwilling to follow the rules.

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16 Oct 99 - 07:16 PM (#124687)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jo Taylor

Auxiris, I heard the 'Jan Kees' story this summer - from a Dutch man called Jan Kees (pronounced Yaan-Case near enough). More to the point, you're in France? Where? Think you're the only other Mudcatter here - I'm in Normandy, near Bayeux. The Normans make jokes about the Bretons...
Jo Taylor

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16 Oct 99 - 08:28 PM (#124703)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: T in Oklahoma (Okiemockbird)

Hutzul, I've heard from a Chicagoan that they have a saying there, "Vote early and often!"

Here is a piece by a Canadian who has witty things to say about the Disney company and the U.S. Constitution's "checks and balances."

T.

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16 Oct 99 - 08:57 PM (#124707)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From:

A few years ago we were at a folk club in England listening to a guest singer perform. When he found out we were Americans, he did a song which said, "Why do they call it football if they never touch the ball with their foot?" or words to that effect. Anyone know that song?

Bev and Jerry

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17 Oct 99 - 12:50 AM (#124751)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From:

Shop shop shop shop till you drop drop drop drop shop drop drop shop shop till drop shop till shop drop shop till you you drop shop shop you drop you drop drop you you drop drop drop

Is that a unifying neo-supra-super ethnic theme ? Nonameformyownsafety

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17 Oct 99 - 01:57 AM (#124756)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Sourdough

When I was living in Bougival near Paris, I heard a joke about Amercans that my German born wife always has liked:

A policeman on patrol is walking through the park when he sees a man making passionate love on the grass to a woman who is suspiciously inert. He investigates and discovers that the woman is dead. He demands from the man an explanation of why he would do something so disgusting as to make love to a dead woman.

The abashed Frenchman apologizses profusely and offers the explanation, "I thought she was American."

Now THAT is patronizing American humor.

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17 Oct 99 - 04:41 AM (#124775)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: wildlone

You mean to say that
Everyone in Callifornia is not gay.
New York police are not all Irish
Texans don't shoot strangers
This thread has completly spoiled my idea of America and the American people.
Years ago when I lived in Reading Berks there was a place selling REAL American burgers,half pounders cooked as you wanted them with all the trimmings they were fantastic.
I am tall, thin, long arms the only clothes that fit comfortably are made for the US market.

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17 Oct 99 - 04:46 AM (#124776)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Auxiris

. . . and the Bretons make jokes about the Normans. I guess we're all the butt of someone else's jokes, after all Hello, Jo; I'm living in Lorraine just 20 minutes south of Nancy these days, though I lived in the Parisian region for the better part of nine years. It was also during that time that I suffered most of the patonising jokes about Americans! If I want a good dose of this sort of thing now I have only to listen to Jean-Pierre Coffe on the radio. So, the "Jan Kees" story has some truth (?) to it after all, eh? I guess I can go on denying that I'm a "Yank" then, having no known Dutch ancestors. If you'd like to give me a shout now and then, the e-mail is [e-mail]

Best,

Auxiris

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17 Oct 99 - 05:08 AM (#124779)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bugsy

As an ex-pat Pom now Aussie living in Australia for 28 years, I rather like Americans - Couldn't eat a whole one though.

Cheers

Bugsy.

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17 Oct 99 - 09:50 AM (#124810)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Barbara

God is showing the Archangel Michael his latest bit of creation -- Canada.
After the tour is over, Michael says to God," Don't you think you're given them an unfair advantage? You've created a beautiful country, wonderful landscape, tons of natural resources, nice mountains, lots of water, plenty of room and a friendly populace with a nice low key way of living. You're going to make all the others jealous."
God snickers. "Wait till you see who I've given them for neighbors," he replies.

Blessings,
Barbara

---

17 Oct 99 - 10:01 AM (#124814)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Eric the Viking

When McCarthy died and went to heaven St peter was stood by the golden gates. "Ah Senator" he said. "You have lived a good and fulfilled life you have tried your hardest for your country". Does that mean "I'm in"? asks McCarthy. "Oh no" says St Pete, "You are for down there!" "Why?" asks the man. "Well it's like this" says Pete. "Them commies were right!!" PLEASE don't hate me- I've got American relatives somewhere, but I was told this years ago. Eric decendant of those who found America after the native American peoples.

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17 Oct 99 - 10:45 AM (#124824)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: sophocleese

Barbara I like it. I'm trying to remember all the anti-american jokes I grew up with but they seem to have disappeared. Ah well. I'll have to ask my brothers. I'm enjoying this thread even though I haven't said much in it. I don't need to, Americans will always talk about themselves without worrying about what others say or think.

Sophocleese

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17 Oct 99 - 11:42 AM (#124835)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

This is great, I've been looking for this sort of thing. Hey Rick, not all Americans are ignorant about Canada, and, your Mounties would pinch their own Grandma. Also, I've never seen a speed limit sign that said 65 (except at 2 am)

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17 Oct 99 - 01:41 PM (#124861)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Barbara

Uhm, kendall, is it your blood alcohol that changes at 2 a.m.? The road signs I've seen in Canada say 100 (kmh).

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17 Oct 99 - 03:10 PM (#124881)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

Sure Barbara, but, we were talking about REAL speed measurement, not kilomteres (tongue firmly in cheek) of which we Yanks have plenty!!!

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17 Oct 99 - 05:56 PM (#124930)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint

Big Mick

how do you spell lend lease

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17 Oct 99 - 08:22 PM (#124980)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

subtle Gint, real subtle

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17 Oct 99 - 09:55 PM (#125002)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

hahahahaha.........loved that one, Gint. And I hate to tell the Viking fella, but they have found the ruins of structures built by Irish Monks on the Eastern coast of Canada that predate Eric the Red, Leif and all the rest.......these poor fella's got whipped by Boru at Clontarf and have been trying to figure out something that they can be proud of since.

Mick

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17 Oct 99 - 10:21 PM (#125008)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Dave Swan

A little drift here Mick, but have you read the Brendan Voyage? The author's name (Tim something?) escapes me at the moment, but he constructed an ox hide curragh and re-traced the voyage of St.Brendan the Navigator from Ireland to Newfoundland. And succeeded. It's been several years since I read it, but I remember it as a well told tale of scholarship and adventure. Cheers, D.

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17 Oct 99 - 11:12 PM (#125021)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

Nope Dave, I have heard of this book but have never had the pleasure of reading it. I will have to see if I can find it. Was its title "The Brendan Voyage"?

Mick

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17 Oct 99 - 11:21 PM (#125026)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Dave Swan

Mick,

I just looked at abebooks.com (a plug here for a group of local independent booksellers who show their wares on the web) and they list a couple of copies of THE BRENDAN VOYAGE by Tim Severin. Severin's sort of a latter day Heyerdahl, he's recreated several other boats and journeys. A word of warning about B. Voyage, don't start it if you've anything else to do. You won't put it down. Cheers, D.

---

17 Oct 99 - 11:42 PM (#125029)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: sophocleese

If you're interested in Brendan's Voyage you might like to give The Farfarers by Farley Mowat a try. It has some interesting stuff in it even if his style gets a little, well, skippable at times (and I don't even think he's American).

Sophocleese

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18 Oct 99 - 12:43 PM (#125195)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Penny S.

Big Mick, since the subject has shifted a bit, perhaps you can help me with a snippit of fact or two. I recently read a book called "the Magic Cup" by an Irish American priest from Chicago called Andrew Greeley. In it he refers to St. Brendan (his voyage is part of the story). In the notes, he mentions, but does not elaborate on the idea that Brendan found, or knew of, or visited, an Irish kingdom in the far west. Not Tir nan Og, not Hy Brasil, not anything faerie or Tuatha de Danaan, but human. I have not come across this idea before, but knowing that Iceland was first settled by Irish monks, and that the Iceland DNA project has uncovered a greater than expected contribution from Ireland, I am not at all surprised. I would like to know more about it, though. Do you have any references I could look out? And to your Irish monks buildings?

Penny

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18 Oct 99 - 02:36 PM (#125251)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: johntm

Annap I think Boston was robbed of one maybe two games. Clemens is damaged goods.How about Knoblauch for Pedro? Johntm.

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18 Oct 99 - 07:08 PM (#125357)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

Hi Penny, It is great to hear from you. One of my favorite 'Catters.

The man to ask on the Icelandic connection is none other than our own Liam's Brother. He is very knowledgeable on this subject, and I will defer to him. So pop in on this one, eh Dan?

With regard to the finding of the structure that is attributed to the Irish monks, and perhaps St. Brendan himself, I can only tell you that I watched a special on this on the telly one night, and that somewhere in this helluva mess that I call an office I have a book on it. I will track it down and get back with you.

Bassen, you made me laugh out loud. My cats are looking at me like I am nuts.......pretty smart, those cats......

All the best,

Mick

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19 Oct 99 - 08:07 AM (#125475)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ferret

Mick I was reading the other day [yes we can do that to this side of the pond] that 60% of US, school levers could not find the US on a map of the world if the countries are not labelled. 'And they have most of the bombs!!!

And who but an American would cum up with term 'friendly fire'

As for Canada I feel for them too liveing at 668 the neighbours of the beast.

All the best ferret

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19 Oct 99 - 08:49 AM (#125477)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

that beast came in handy when Hitler was about to kick your ass.

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19 Oct 99 - 01:03 PM (#125562)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Barbara

Ya, kendall, but what have we done lately (besides not pay our dues or sign disarmament treaties) "Isolationism can be fun."*
Blessings,
Barbara

* from "Barry's Boys", by W. Chad Mitchell of the Chad Mitchell Trio

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19 Oct 99 - 02:34 PM (#125604)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ferret

WW1 The US arived at the end. The only thing the US charged was the 10% on the money they lent.

WW2 The US arived late, the Battle of Britain was what stoped the Germans advance in the west. And it took all the alis to push them back. And WW2 was a world war not just a Euro war. or is Japan in Europe now.

all the best

ferret

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19 Oct 99 - 02:42 PM (#125606)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert

There was the story about the French guy who visited New York. he went up to a cop and said "come quick - there's a couple making love in the park". So the cop follows the guy and eventually, behind a whole lot of bushes and stuff they find a young couple making love.

So the cop draws the fremch guy back and says "Well sir, they're very well hidden - I mean they're not exactly flaunting it are they? And you sound foreign - French? Well I'm surprised sir, I thought you french were supposed to be romantic!"

The french guy exclaims "But you don't understand officer, the woman is dead!!"

So the cop takes another look and then says "No sir, she's not dead, she's American!"

---

19 Oct 99 - 03:13 PM (#125617)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert

Re: friendly fire, unfortunately Americans are world famous for the policy of 'shoot first ask questions after'. I worked with a guy (a Limey) who fought in Italy during WWII. He said that no one took much notice if the Jerry planes came over, but everyone took cover if it was the Yanks.

Ferret, I don't think Britain would have survived the Battle of Britain if it wasn't for supplies from the US. I agree with you though when you say 'it took all the allies'.

Bert. (ex Limey)

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19 Oct 99 - 04:06 PM (#125624)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Penny S.

Friends, we are shortly going to enter a new millenium. It would be pleasant if we could leave behind such clutter as who needed who to come in and sort out European squabbles, and who always comes late and then claims all the kudos. I wasn't around at the time, but was close enough to know that

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19 Oct 99 - 04:09 PM (#125626)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Penny S.

there was a strong feeling of gratitude for the help which came. It goes a bit sour when the isolationist arguments come up again.

Penny (with a sort of flu, all cack-handed on the keyboard)

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19 Oct 99 - 04:14 PM (#125628)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Blackcat

Ya know, it's ironic that U.S.ers are labeled anti-American Indian when it's the Europeans that spend all the time fighting over who was first to visit the Western Hemisphere, knowing full well it wasn't ANY of them!

By the way, our bomb targeting programs come with LABELED world maps. :-)

PAX, Blackcat

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19 Oct 99 - 04:51 PM (#125646)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Penny S.

My sister once lived in Milton Keynes. The folks there becamea concerned that SAC bombers overflew the city. When approached, the USAF spokesman from the relevant airfield claimed that their maps did not show a city there. Apparently. Hey, I want to drop this.

Penny

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19 Oct 99 - 05:00 PM (#125648)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Penny S.

BTW, saw a documentary on some S. American archaeologists who had found evidence that peoples related to Australian aborigines got there before the Indians, couldn't stand up to them when they arrived, and ended up as the Fuegians.

Just stirring

Penny

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19 Oct 99 - 05:32 PM (#125657)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melodeon

There is a television chatshow programme on in England at the moment which shows a map of North and South America with the USA painted blue and labelled " The South Canada Sea ". A certain sympathy with Canada here!

Meloden

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19 Oct 99 - 07:26 PM (#125694)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Lonesome EJ

Ferret... The US supplied the lifeblood of supplies that kept England alive througout World War 2. And after leaving our dead all over the Pacific, we did indeed arrive late to Europe, though just in time to leave more young men dead on the beaches of Sicily, Italy, and Normandy. The country that did most to stop Hitler was the Soviet Union, but they could also have never done it alone.

Also, when the US arrived in WW1, the situation was very much a stalemate, and the US presence was a critical factor in forcing the Axis Powers to the peace table.

I apologize for the serious response. We Americans are quite open to funny remarks, but I guess I didn't see the humor in Ferret's statements.

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19 Oct 99 - 07:32 PM (#125695)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert

I just got back from a music session at our local pub. Old Fred was there. He has some real interesting memories from his service in WW2. Only trouble is, his reminisces last longer than the war did!

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19 Oct 99 - 07:54 PM (#125709)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

I grew up in a very large poor family, (in fact, I never slept alone 'til I was married) and we fought all the time among ourselves. But woe to the outsider who tried tokick one of our asses.. thats how I feel about GB, so, take that ferret.!! Actually, as an historian, I might enjoy a little exchange as long as it doesn't get sticky.

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19 Oct 99 - 10:54 PM (#125761)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: harpgirl

..what I'd like to know is if the Japanese are so technologically advanced, why do they still eat with sticks?

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20 Oct 99 - 12:56 AM (#125791)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: katlaughing

Harpy, I am sure they consider it much more efficient and wonder at our need to use three utensils to their two.:-)

Mick, when we lived in CT, I went to a program put on by the Hibernian Society, in Groton. They showed a film of Brendan's Voyage a few yrs before it hit PBS and the like. Really was very fascinating. Also, there is a place in Groton, on the Thames River (USA, that is) called the Gungywamp. I have hiked in and toured it, privately with one of the Society members. There is much evidence there of Irish and other *pre-Columbian* visitors and settlers among the Native Americans.

Also back there, I remember watching a documentary on other sites along the eastern seaboard which had extensive evidence of much earlier explorers. It is so interesting how this country clings to the traditional myth of Columbus being the first etc.

kat

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20 Oct 99 - 01:34 AM (#125794)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

I don't mind the friendly jousting, but the changing of the facts simply is not friendly jousting. You do not have to like Yankee attitudes, but the facts are that in both World Wars the U.S. involvement is what made the difference. But in all fairness, it was the difference to success, not the reason. As was mentioned above, the Russians played a huge role in this effort. The Battle of Britain was legendary. And we could go on about the Aussies in the S.Pacific, the brave Filipino guerrilla's and the legendary Free French forces. Most of these depended on an American supply line. You may not like a Yankee attitude, but we are giving people. Look in every major natural disaster, every event that requires money to resolve. You will find the evidence of our generosity.

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20 Oct 99 - 02:38 AM (#125797)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Penny S.

Big Mick, you are right. But we do see lots of evidence that some over there forget what went on over here and present the facts differently, too. There is currently a film in production about a crucial incident in WWII where the key to the Enigma code was captured. This was by a British naval vessel. The film has a US vessel. Representations to the film makers have met the same sort of lack of understanding as met the complaints of the family and town of Murdoch of the Titanic about the way he was shown in the recent film. There used to be jokes about Errol Flynn or John Wayne winning the war single handed in theatres where Americans were thin on the ground. Coupled with the sort of remarks which are still made (as you referred to above), the continuing rewriting of history in favour of one of the Allies does get the dander up.

Penny

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20 Oct 99 - 04:16 AM (#125806)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Roger the skiffler

...The way I heard it was that the Welsh were the first to discover America but had the sense to keep quiet about it!
Although some Americans abroad seem to want to reinforce the worst stereotypes ( and, lets face it, all Brits wouldn't want to be judged by our football fans or Club 18-30 people) the individuals one meets of any country (and especially those on the Mudcat) restore one's faith in human nature.
Every nation seems to have jokes about somewhere else (Brits have everyone else, Germans have Poles, Greeks have Bulgarians and Turks, Aussies have New Zealanders,Americans have Canadians, Canadians have...-who do you have, Rick?).
As long as we don't confuse the national "joke" stereotype with the individuals. RtS (justifiably the butt of many jokes, but then I'm from Birmingham!)

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20 Oct 99 - 04:55 AM (#125810)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert

This is for Big Mick

I fully accept that the "Americans" are a giving people, but why, oh why, did you have to give us the Jerry Springer Show?

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20 Oct 99 - 09:44 AM (#125851)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Blackcat

Clearly, the Jerry Springer Show being broadcast in the US and around the world is AMPLE evidence that U.S.ers are relatively immune to patronizing! On another note: One thing that seems to get some U.S.ers is the attitude towards our language and/or dialect(s). Yall got a problem with that? Dude?

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20 Oct 99 - 10:53 AM (#125876)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49

Well now nun uv us got no axcent so we kinda git ta wundrin whut it iz makes yall tock so damn funny. I know sum ol boyz roun here doan holt with furrnerz nohow, but me un Paw un Buford ar allus lookin ta git mor edjukated like, un weed be right happy ta know yall even if yuh tock kinda kwaire.

CLETUS

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20 Oct 99 - 11:07 AM (#125883)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert

Cletus, the way you talk reminds me of a pretty young girl in Texas who said to me "Yew shaw dooo haaave a puuurrrty aaaaksent"

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20 Oct 99 - 11:28 AM (#125891)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert

CLETUS - you see, there ya go agin.

A REAL brit wud'a sed "so bluddy funny" not "so damn funny".

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20 Oct 99 - 01:10 PM (#125938)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: fox4zero

I don't think anyone will survive to reach this message!

Re: COYBOYS. In Fenimore Cooper's novel THE SPY, the tory guerrillas north of New York City were called cowboys. Since this was occurring before the revolution, it is obvious that the term had negative connotation which had nothing to do with the American West, since it had not yet been invented. (Larry) Parish

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20 Oct 99 - 01:17 PM (#125943)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

hey Mel.. we also gave you the TORREY CANYON, remember? As I recall, that was a swap for your "Twiggy"

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20 Oct 99 - 02:24 PM (#125969)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Davey

Roger the Skiffler, we make jokes about Americans and we make jokes about ourselves.. For example, why did the Canadian cross the road? Because everyone else was doing it..

And for what it's worth..

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse....your call.

Davey .... :>)

---

20 Oct 99 - 02:36 PM (#125974)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert

Davey - Like it!ROFL

---

20 Oct 99 - 03:03 PM (#125980)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Fortunato

To all you 'cats outside the US and around the world, don't judge Americans by the 'culture' that gets marketed or televised out there. Judge us by our music, our poetry, our literature and our art.

Or better yet stop by the pub and let me buy you a pint of Guiness or your pleasure and we'll sing a song or two, and then make up your mind about us.

---

20 Oct 99 - 04:20 PM (#126018)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Lonesome EJ

Excuse me,Fortunato. If you will come to the pub, I have a very rare cask of Amontillado upon which I would like to have your most esteemed opinion.

:} LEJ

---

20 Oct 99 - 04:38 PM (#126025)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

I hate to bust your bubble Mel, but that joke is much older. Still very funny though

---

20 Oct 99 - 04:46 PM (#126032)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint

some years ago in the historical village of Tintel legendary birthplace of King Arthur a medival re-enactment was taking place. An American asked one of the re-enacters, what exactly was a Cornish pastie?

The viking look alike went on to explain that the pasties nested in King Arthurs castle at night. Nothing was said until the next day, when a member of English Heritage came to the camp to complain about winding up (Making fun of ) tourists.

It was pointed out that Heritage had charged the Americans silly amounts of money so that they could spend the night in hopes of seeing the nesting pasties and they could say nothing.

The culprit was Ferret

---

20 Oct 99 - 05:25 PM (#126049)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: sophocleese

A Professor from England comes over to lecture in American and Canadian Universities. In an English university he enters the class and says "Good morning class." Everyone replies "Good morning sir." In an American university one student looks up and says "Hi there, Teach.". In the Canadian class he is greeted with absolute silence but when he looks around everybody is carefully writing "Good morning class" in their notes.

---

20 Oct 99 - 05:27 PM (#126051)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: lamarca

Lej - For the love of God, Montressor!...

It's really hard to sort out feelings about American foreign policy, when there are so many different "Official" foreign policies at any given time, depending on whether you're listening to Madeleine Albright, our "Official" Secretary of State, Bill Clinton, our "Official" Chief Executive, Senator Jesse Helms, our "Official" head of the Senate Foreign Affairs committee, etc. And "The American People" is really a non-existant entity - the views range from the paranoid xenophobic fantasies of folks who believe that the UN runs a secret fleet of "black helicopters" bent on the subversion and conquest of the USA to far-left fanatics who say anything we as a nation do is imperialistic and immoral.

Our country is huge and full of so many people with so many different cultural and ethnic backgrounds, that any comment that generalizes about "Americans" is bound to be off-target for 80-90% of the people who live here. I guess I agree with whoever said above that I would rather be judged as an individual, not on the behavior (or misbehavior) of our elected officials and their so-called "official" views and policies. I as an individual have absolutely no control over Jesse Helms; I cannot vote for or against him (I don't live in N. Carolina), I have no say about the powerful position he's in, and find him an embarassment. A lot of people in this country probably feel the same about Bill Clinton.

So, to our fellow 'Catters not from the USA, don't tar us all with the same brush when you're pissed off by policies our government makes - we as "little folks" have about as much say in our government's antics as you do in yours...All we can do is try to vote for people that we agree with (if we can find them) and try to make our voices heard that way. There are bigots and xenophobes everywhere, not just here, and it should be the goal of any reasonable individual to try to make sure his or her country is one they can be proud of without needing to dominate or put down other nations in order to do so.

That being said, did you hear about the Canadian who moved across the river to Detroit to get away from the horrid Ontario winters?

---

20 Oct 99 - 05:44 PM (#126060)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: sophocleese

Well actually as a Canadian I do make jokes about American Beer, what else can you do with it?

Why is making love in a canoe like drinking American beer?

Too close to water.

Then again I also voted once for the Rhinoceros Party, I liked their idea of evening out the country by using the Rockies to fill in the Great Lakes.

---

20 Oct 99 - 05:45 PM (#126065)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Lonesome EJ

"You are of The Brotherhood of Masons?"exclaimed Fortunato."Indeed," said I, producing from the pocket of my robe a trowel.

Uhhh..Gint..isn't Arthur's legendary home Tintagel, not Tintel?

---

21 Oct 99 - 04:43 AM (#126272)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert

Het Kendall,

We only sent you Twiggy so you could keep abreast of events!

---

21 Oct 99 - 08:29 AM (#126300)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

Geez, you are right about Jerry Springer................I wonder how they even sell such crap to such a sophisticated bunch?..........certainly isn't the content, because I am certain that there is no one among such a cultured group that would watch this dreck............................

---

21 Oct 99 - 08:36 AM (#126303)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

Twiggy was a good "model" of what a woman should NOT look like. By the way Mel, I love puns..

---

21 Oct 99 - 11:03 AM (#126358)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

Author Unknown...

HERE IS A LIST OF NEW STATE MOTTOS...

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthin'

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
Just like Utah, but with more potatoes.

Illinois:
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
"10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes"

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, Refuge of the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Californians

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
We are not a whole other country.

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like the Musical, only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're not REALLY an island.

South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si. Hablo Ingles. (Yes, I speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

---

21 Oct 99 - 11:25 AM (#126372)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ewan McVicar

Perhaps the true but sour joke here is that so many serious and on occasions rather hurt or hurting ideas and words have been added to this thread. What does that say about senses of humour?

---

21 Oct 99 - 11:26 AM (#126373)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

I just noticed the unknown author forgot Wyoming:

Wyoming
Forgettable

---

21 Oct 99 - 11:28 AM (#126375)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Fortunato

Lonesome EJ

I'll stick to Guiness; Amontillado can be hazardous to your health.

---

21 Oct 99 - 11:30 AM (#126376)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert

You're right Ewan McV.

We're sorry, we won't do it any more.

---

21 Oct 99 - 11:36 AM (#126381)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

I noticed that the two threads that quickly built up many responses simultaneously are the one where we want to help the Mudcat in trouble, and this one, which triggers responses. Both touch our emotions. Sometimes its good to be able to laugh at our weaknesses, quirks, and idiosyncracies. Insults to be cruel, however, have never been humorous to me. Sarcasm has a root meaning, after all, of 'tearing the flesh'.

---

21 Oct 99 - 12:26 PM (#126411)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert

I like puns too! Especially the ones with cream in the middle.

Damn this duslexia!

Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic dyslexic who stayed awake all night wodering if there really was a dog?

---

21 Oct 99 - 12:41 PM (#126420)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: steve in ottawa

Hmmm.

I'm quite surprised to hear all the defensive tones. I expected jokes like Alice's list and Cara's explanation of Canada.

What's it like being next to America? Well, believe it or not, most Canadians I know would find the following very funny:

Until a few years ago, the UN rated Japan as the best country to live in, ranking Canada second. Recently the positions reversed. A Canadian was heard to utter: Damn, those Japanese, they've stolen our second place!

Being, perhaps better educated in 1783?, the framers of the US constitution knew Canada existed. They cursed us by saying we could join the US any time we wanted to. That does strange things to a country.

Steve

---

21 Oct 99 - 01:17 PM (#126430)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49

Ya reckon sumbuddy kin sen me sum longhandle droors...Catspaw keeps askin an he sez yall are right willin to hep but I still got theez popped buttons an all.........

CLETUS

---

21 Oct 99 - 01:21 PM (#126432)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint

Lonesome EJ

yes, typing too fast for my brain, due to a lack of booze

---

21 Oct 99 - 02:09 PM (#126460)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Clifton53

Beans on toast??? Blimey!!! Beans goes with hot dogs!!

---

21 Oct 99 - 03:08 PM (#126483)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Blackcat

Sorry there Clifton, beans go in chili!

---

21 Oct 99 - 03:23 PM (#126485)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ferret

Now who said that Americans were thick skinned and could not be easily wound up? Wrong. Got you!

Lamarca. Here, here.

As for Jerry springer, in an interview I herd with him he said that the saddest thing about his program was the people that watch it. As for US aid to the UK we were still paying the bill for it years later.[It was not Free help] And we left our dead in Burma and the rest of the Pacific as well.

Gint As I am the one out of us that is dyslexic you ought to no better than to get Tintagel wrong.

And the fall story of the Cornish pastes was.

A friend of mine, Dave xxxxx [to protect the guilty] was asked what all the holes in the walls of Tintagel castle were. [Where the scaffolding went] So Dave never missing an opportunity to wined some one up said.

D] Have you not heard of the famous Cornish pastes.

A] Yes said the American.

D] Well that is where they nest at night.

A] Where can I see them.

D] In the daytime they are at sea but wen they cum back to there nest's at dusk you get a hell of a fight with the sea gulls.

A] Can I get in to the castle to take some pix of this.

D] Well you will have to go to the English heritage warden of the castle and arks.

Well off he went, the next day the warden came up to Dave and said why did you send that American to me with that story of the pasty's

It seemed like it would be good for a lark, did you tell him.

No said the warden, I sold him a ticket for £25.00 to sit in the castle all night.

D] Well don't tell me off then for winding him up.

Now I don't want to sagest that all Americans are gullible, but some American are. And I do not think it was right to take the man's money no mater how gullible.

But that is the whole story.

I was on the cliffs at Dover [the white cliffs] working all one summer [so not for long. It was an English summer] and I had an American asked if I would tell him where he could see the blue birds and it was difficult to get him to understand that the nearest blue birds were 3000/5000 miles west of here.

I had a German ask why all of the gunimplements were there on the cliffs pointing out to sea. Well what can you say to that? They were to blow the s**t out of your county men, no I think not. So I gust said I don't know.

No Americans are easy to wind up but the Irish are the easiest but that hurt's.

The chat show with the US as a lake is the Jeramy Clarkson show it is good, and he has a go at every body. And if it were not for you Americans we would have had a lot less dead in the gulf. Not so much the man on the ground, but the 'blind' trust in Hi Tec.

All the best ferret

---

21 Oct 99 - 03:25 PM (#126486)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49

Well personally, I always have gas with beans. 'Course that's just me, if you can blow out a slice of toast, more power to you.

Spaw

---

21 Oct 99 - 05:02 PM (#126530)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri

Maybe I've moved past thick-skinned to callous, I don't know. If there's a contest to see who gets pissed off at a joke first, I rarely lose.

Alice, the New Hampshire state motto should be:
"Spend All Your Money Here, Then Go Away and Leave Us Alone."

---

21 Oct 99 - 06:24 PM (#126554)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: M

Jeri--I thought that was Maine's motto.

---

21 Oct 99 - 07:17 PM (#126576)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri

It could have been Maine's, but when the motto people asked what ours would be, the NH rep got the whole thing out in less than five minutes. I think the guy from Maine is still working on the word "go."

Jeri (running, ducking and dodging)

---

21 Oct 99 - 07:27 PM (#126581)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

you can run but you cant hide..

---

21 Oct 99 - 07:29 PM (#126582)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

Actually, there is one thing that New Hampshire has that neither Maine nor Vermont has...good neighbors.(New Brunswick doesn't count)

---

21 Oct 99 - 07:32 PM (#126584)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick

That Pastie gag was absolutely a riot!!! Great one, Ferret.

Mick

---

21 Oct 99 - 07:47 PM (#126590)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jerry Friedman

Pobre México, tan lejos de Dios, tan cerca a los Estados Unidos.

--Porfirio Díaz, dictator of Mexico for thirty years.

("Poor Mexico, so far from God, so close to the United States." This may be the original of Barbara's joke about God and the Archangel Michael.)

Gint asked how you can trust someone who spends millions to be president, a job that only pays thousands. Gint, they don't spend their money. (Unless they happened to be named Forbes.) The ability to spend large amounts of other people's money is exactly what we're looking for.

Bedlam, I think Tom Lehrer gets credit for that song about Ted Kennedy.

---

21 Oct 99 - 07:51 PM (#126592)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri

Ouch! (I haven't lived here long enough to think of an appropriate comeback.)

---

21 Oct 99 - 08:05 PM (#126596)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint

On sheep shagging,it's interesting to note that the first sheep "Dolly" was done by a Scotsman

---

21 Oct 99 - 08:12 PM (#126599)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint

ok I missed out the word cloned, try this

On sheep shagging,it's interesting to note that the first sheep cloned "Dolly" was done by a Scotsman

---

21 Oct 99 - 08:46 PM (#126612)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: McGrath of Harlow

There was the fella that came back from a trip to America. "You know they've got it all wrong about the Americans - they say they're brash and loud and vulgar and arrogant and that.

"But it's not at all like that, when you get to know the real Americans - they're the most sensitive and dignified people you could find anywhere.

"That's the real Americans. Mind you there's a lot of these fellas who went over there from Europe in the last few hundred years, and it's a bit of a different story with them."

---

21 Oct 99 - 09:43 PM (#126629)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

Jeri, what's your e mail address?

---

21 Oct 99 - 09:48 PM (#126633)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri

I'm listed in bbc's Mudcat Resources, or you can just Click Here

---

22 Oct 99 - 12:56 AM (#126679)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Clifton53

Nae laddie, I canna blay toast out me arse, but I "av seen it dun, and it weren't here in the colonies!

---

23 Oct 99 - 02:28 PM (#127214)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

OK now, how about patronizing jokes about..say.. Belgians?? Icelanders? Australians? thats it!! When I was in Scotland, a guy told me that Australia had developed a "Safe Sex" program. They are marking the sheep that kick!. running for cover.lmao

---

23 Oct 99 - 03:01 PM (#127224)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ferret

kendell that was BBBAAAAAAAAAAAAARD

---

23 Oct 99 - 03:33 PM (#127229)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert

The Welsh are as bad. I was with a taffy the other day when we passed a field with a flock of sheep. He said "ooh look! A leisure centre!".

---

23 Oct 99 - 05:29 PM (#127262)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint

That's no leisure centre that's Baaahbra the farmers friend

---

23 Oct 99 - 06:28 PM (#127290)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: jon a

The fact that Jerry Springer is British may perhaps be the biggest joke at the expense of Americans ever, after all, they do pay for him that sewerage that they broadcast all over the known universe.

Katlaughing, I see from your admission of having voted for Bill Clinton, that you also have climbed to a higher awareness; and worked out that most politicians are asking not what they can do for their country but what their country can do for their (and their friend's) pocket's. I agree that they are mostly all as good or as bad as each other.(and anyway, what has someones sex life, or for that matter sexual preferences, got to do with them doing their job?).

Alice, I love the list, thanks for posting it!.

One thing that is obvious from the U.S. Television programmes that we get over here, it takes very little to amuse and entertain an American. ....................... .... Unless of course the jokes on those who buy it for release over here!!!!!

Cheers All

Jon

---

23 Oct 99 - 08:26 PM (#127340)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: wildlone

you may joke or even get annoyed about WWII but for at least one person who uses the "Cat" it is not history She was there.
She got her jump wings.
She was wounded.
She was shot at in Germany whilst working trying to break the penicillin racket {plot used in the film the third man.
She was even one of the first Women in Bergen-Belsen after it was liberated.
sorry to have gone on like this I just wanted to say it.
your friend wildlone.

---

23 Oct 99 - 10:32 PM (#127362)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri

She sounds fascinating (a nurse?) - I'd be interested to hear more, wildlone.

---

23 Oct 99 - 11:56 PM (#127385)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: ms. mark

Q:what's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? A: The Rolling Stones say 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud The Scotsman says 'Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe'

---

24 Oct 99 - 12:02 AM (#127387)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: ms. mark

oops, duh, I just noticed my own illiterate spelling of the poor guy's name in the above post... leave it up to an American to joke about some other nationality and then get the names wrong...

---

24 Oct 99 - 12:03 AM (#127388)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: ms. mark

oops, duh, I just noticed my own illiterate spelling of the poor guy's name in the above post... leave it up to an American to joke about some other nationality and then get the names wrong...

---

24 Oct 99 - 12:27 AM (#127394)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

My God now I know how Dr. Frankenstien must have felt!!

---

24 Oct 99 - 12:29 AM (#127395)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: katlaughing

Wildlone, it is an honour to have you among us. Thank you.

Yes, Jon, you've got that right about the politics and me. I've written several published articles about the now blurred line between public and private life.

Also, while there are some good programs on American tv, we do mostly tune into BBC America, although, I don't think our trash is any worse than some of your lowbrow stuff! I don't watch it, either!

kat

---

24 Oct 99 - 12:42 AM (#127397)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From:

the Us of A is full of regional jokes, the same classist or town vs. country stuff you probably get all over the world as someone pointed out earlier. There's the whole line of "you might be a redneck if..." jokes that've made comedian Jeff Foxworthy a celeb of sorts. Usually those are directed at people in the Southeast states. The southerners have finally come up with a retort or two:

You might be a Yankee if....

1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

Two or more generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

5) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

6) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

7) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

8) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

9) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

10) None of your fur coats are homemade. >11) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

12) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

13) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

14) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

15) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

16) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

17) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

18) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

19) You call binoculars opera glasses.

20) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping

---

24 Oct 99 - 06:29 AM (#127430)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: wildlone

yes Jeri She was a nurse She is also my Mother.
Born in 1926 if She could be persuaded to one day get Her memories down on tape it would be interesting.
thank you for asking wl.

---

24 Oct 99 - 07:06 AM (#127436)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Penny S.

Wildlone, make notes if you can't get her to tape those stories, as soon as possible after each occasion when she tells you one. I didn't, and I regret it.

Penny

---

24 Oct 99 - 07:14 AM (#127439)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: wildlone

A Story from Mother.
Just after the war finished and things were getting back to normal my Mother and three comrades were given leave.
One of the girls parents owned a Norfolk Wherry That had been out of the water for the duration of the war,so it was decided that they would use the leave sailing the Broads getting the craft plimbed.
Obviously being nice good girls alchohol came into it and they would tie up for the night near a pub.
They were in a pub one night when a Group of American servicemen came in, as the girls were in uniform {battledress jackets, trousers, boots and gaiters}the Americans asked why they were there.
Mother being in a jokey mood said we are looking for mines and with the help from the locals had these men believing that the Germans had laid mines in the Norfolk Broads and they were blowing them up.
So when the chance come to extract the urine from the stranger take it.
wildloneandhismum

---

24 Oct 99 - 09:24 AM (#127460)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: katlaughing

Wl, thank you so much for sharing that info with us on your mom. She must've been very gutsy and a sounds as though she is a lot of fun; plus she's got one hell of a son! PennyS, is right. Get as much of it down as you can. I will never heard my mom sing again and I really wish I had a tape of her doing so.

luvyaKat

---

24 Oct 99 - 09:28 AM (#127461)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri

I have a book somewhere that was written by a friend of my Mom's who was a nurse in WWII, "Helmets and Lipstick." I've got to go find out what box it's in! (I put it someplace "safe," meaning it may take me a couple years to find it.)

---

24 Oct 99 - 11:47 AM (#127476)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

Wildone, your stories of your mom deserve a more dignified (and easier to load) thread. I wish I had been able to tape my grandparents, parents, and uncles before they passed away.

In the vein of more jabs at US follies......

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near

Hillary`s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls

into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out

and begins to pump gas into the 'First Couple's' tank. As he

is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey,

Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember

me?," he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays, and

the first couple leaves.

As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think

what it would be like if you had married him!," he says smugly.

Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well,

I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."

----

LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES!.....in addition to Melissa......

LEWINSKY VIRUS:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS:
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Deletes all old files.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the LEWINSKY virus):
Your whole computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS:
Everything in your computer goes GOOFY.

PROZAC VIRUS:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS:
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

VIAGRA VIRUS:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

CLINTON VIRUS:
Gives you a 7-inch hard drive with no memory.

---

24 Oct 99 - 12:23 PM (#127487)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

****Ven Two Minnesootins Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen! (translation= When two Minnesotans meet up North on the lake, fishing!)

"Haydair."
"Lobuddy"
"Benearlong?"
"Coplhours."
"Crieps, cetchenenny?"
"Yepgoddafew"
"Vairdaybittn?"
"Oberdair"
"Kindarday?"
"Valleyeennordern."
"Ennysiztooum?"
"Cuplapowns."
"Oofda, bittenard?"
"yanohowdeyar."
"Vahchaoozin? Dalindyrik?"
"Ohyeahdonchano."
"Fichenondaboddum?"
"Rydoopneardaboddum."
"Howdeeperya?"
"Bouttvenyfeet."
"Oh, Vachadrinkin?"
"Hadacouplabeers."
"Velligoddago."
"Tubad."
"Seeyaround."
"Yeahtakideeze."
"Guluk."
"Yoobetcha."
Da Ent!!!
IF YOU WERE ABLE TO READ THIS YOU ARE A TRUE MINNESOOTIN!

---

24 Oct 99 - 12:51 PM (#127495)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: wildlone

Alice, yes this is getting to be a long thread.
What usualy happens is that I am at the "Cat" I show mother something in one of the threads that reminds her of something that happened to her and I send it in, the only other thing is to start a new thread next time.
What do you think? .wl.

---

24 Oct 99 - 01:41 PM (#127511)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice

Wildlone, although the subject is not really music, I don't know if the prefix BS is appropriate for the serious subject of honoring the historic experiences of our parents and ancestors. A thread title perhaps along the lines of "True family stories of world events" might be workable. I'm sure you can come up with an appropriate thread title.

---

04 Nov 99 - 01:47 PM (#131748)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Texas Toot

The Texan

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi.

After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed -

"I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn

"Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself -

"Stupid grass hoppers!"

---

04 Nov 99 - 07:09 PM (#131900)
Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall

When that Texan came to Maine, he saw the biggest warehouse in the state, and remarked "Hell we got out houses in Texas bigger than that!" Mainer says "Well, I guess prob'ly you need um."

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