Lyr Req/ADD: The Farting Contest

20 Apr 12 - 10:16 AM (#3340848)
Subject: Lyr Req: The Farting Contest
From: GUEST,Peter Laban

A few years ago a Farting Contest between Willie Clancy and Margaret Barry came up in conversation (she won, apparently). When I mentioned this to someone on a different occasion I got the reply 'and there was a song made about it too'.

Anyone?

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20 Apr 12 - 10:28 AM (#3340855)
Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Farting Contest
From: Little Hawk

What were the parameters set forth to determine victory?

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20 Apr 12 - 11:40 AM (#3340883)
Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Farting Contest
From: Bernard

I'm guessing the first person to 'follow through' was the loser - in more ways than one!!

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20 Apr 12 - 07:43 PM (#3341068)
Subject: ADD: The Farting Contest
From: GUEST,Jim I

I am ashamed to say I do have the words of a song by that name...not that I have ever sung it!!


Would those of a gentile persuasion please avert their eyes at this point.






THE FARTING CONTEST

I'll sing you a ditty that's certain to please
Of a grand farting contest at Sefton-on-Tees
Where all the best arses paraded the field
To compete for a cup and a lovely gold shield.

In one competition they'd fart up the scale,
Which wins them a cup and a bottle of ale,
While others whose arses was biggest and strongest
Compete in the contest for loudest and longest.

'Twas this competition that drew the best crowd
And betting was evens on Mrs McLeod,
For news had appeared in the midday edition
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.

Then the ladies lined up for the contest to start
And, winning the toss, Mrs Jones took first fart.
With hands on her hips and her legs well apart
She blew the roof off the grandstand just for a start.

Now old Mrs Hobbs had a perfect backside
With a great big carbuncle and a wart on each side.
She thought 'twas a cert that she'd win with ease
Having trained on a diet of porter and peas.

Old Mrs McLeod then shyly appeared;
She smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered.
The people around stood in silence and wonder
As the wireless announced both gale warning and thunder.

Old Mrs Pothole was called to the front;
She started by doing a remarkable stunt.
With legs opened wide she clenched tightly her hands
And blew off the roof of the popular stands.

Next came Mrs Winkle who thought nothing of this:
Having trained on weak tea she was all wind and piss.
She took up the stand and the crowd she defied
Till she shat in her pants and was disqualified.

Mrs Bingle arrived amidst roars of applause;
And promptly proceeded to pull down her drawers.
She thought she'd no chance in the contest at all,
But she beat the whole lot and out-farted them all.

With hands on her hips, she stood farting alone
And all were amazed at her sweetness of tone.
Then the judges agreed, without hindrance or pause:
'First prize Mrs Bingle, you may pull up your drawers'.

Then she walked to the rostrum with maidenly gait
To receive from the vicar a set of gold plate.
Then turning around and facing the ring
She farted the last verse of God Save the King.

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20 Apr 12 - 07:45 PM (#3341069)
Subject: ADD Version: The Farting Contest
From: Peter the Squeezer

How about this?






THE FARTING CONTEST

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
Of a great farting contest at Shitton-on Pease,
Where all the best farters paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for various shields.

Some tighten their bumcheeks and fart up the scale,
To compete for a cup and a barrel of ale,
Whilst others whose arseh0les are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now, this year's event had drawn quite a big crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs. McDowd,
For it had appeared in the evening edition,
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.

Now old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside,
Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side,
And she fancied her chance of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And thus he addressed this remarkable band:
"The contest is on as is shown on the bills,
We've precluded the use of injections and pills."

Mrs. Bingle arrived amid roars of applause,
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers,
For though she'd no chance in the farting display,
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see on this day.

Now, young Mrs. Porter was backed for a place,
Though she'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace,
By dropping a fart on a Sunday in church,
And disturbing the sermon of Reverend McGurch.

The ladies lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first fart,
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless transmitted gale warnings and thunder.

Now Mrs. McDowd reckoned nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and piss,
She took up her place with her arse opened wide,
But unluckily sh!t and was disqualified.

Then young Mrs. Porter was called to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt,
She took a deep breath, and clenching her hands,
She blew the whole roof off the popular stands.

That left Mrs. Bingle who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered,
And though it was reckoned her chances were small,
She ran out a winner, outfarting them all.

With hands on her hips she stood farting alone,
And the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone,
And the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause,
And said, "First to Mrs. Bingle, now pull up your drawers."

But with muscles well-tensed and legs full apart,
She started a final and glorious fart,
Beginning with Chopin, and ending with Wing,
She went right up the scale to God Save the King.

She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
And took from the vicar a set of gold plate,
Then she turned to the vicar with sweetness sublime,
And smilingly said, "Come see me sometime."

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20 Apr 12 - 08:15 PM (#3341079)
Subject: RE: req/ADD: The Farting Contest
From: Joe Offer

I have to say that this is Mudcat at its very best. If you ask for a song about farts, you're sure to get two versions or more in a matter of hours....

That second song ought to be disqualified, though. You can't say sh!t and arseh0le around here without being deservedly blasted for euphemizing.

But we'll forgive you, Pete.

-Joe Offer-

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20 Apr 12 - 08:34 PM (#3341084)
Subject: RE: req/ADD: The Farting Contest
From: GUEST

Jim, the last time I laughed so hard because of a song was Billy Ed Wheeler's "Little Brown Shack Out Back." Thank you.

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20 Apr 12 - 08:42 PM (#3341087)
Subject: RE: req/ADD: The Farting Contest
From: GUEST,999

That was me.

Also, with the exclusion of one stanza, I think Peter's versification would be welcome at most house concerts.

Guys, many thanks. Makes me wish I had a printer.

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21 Apr 12 - 06:09 AM (#3341198)
Subject: RE: req/ADD: The Farting Contest
From: GUEST,Peter Laban

Thanks all, probably not the one I was lookign for though which was specifically about the piper and the banjoplayer/singer , or so I was told.

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21 Apr 12 - 06:10 PM (#3341445)
Subject: RE: req/ADD: The Farting Contest
From: GUEST,Jim I

It was only after I posted this song that I remembered where I got it from, or more precisely why I had it in the first place.

It was at the request of my mother who had heard it and who demanded that I find her the words; and at the time she was just into her 80s!

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22 Apr 12 - 08:36 AM (#3341612)
Subject: RE: req/ADD: The Farting Contest
From: greg stephens

Kipling touched on the subject of those two imposters triumph and disaster. They can be so close to each other, particularly when one tries to deliver the winning coup in a competition of this kind. It is an agonising experience to watch the change of expression of a contender at this moment.

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22 Apr 12 - 02:04 PM (#3341762)
Subject: RE: req/ADD: The Farting Contest
From: Acorn4

Saturday Night Farter

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22 Apr 12 - 03:54 PM (#3341801)
Subject: RE: req/ADD: The Farting Contest
From: MartinRyan

Great to hear (smell?) true culture emerging on Mudcat! It's a pet o' mine...
;>)>

Regards

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