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02 Oct 15 - 10:02 PM (#3741431) Subject: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Wesley S Recently I was reading some detective fiction by John Sanford. One character said about a criminal : If he were any dumber we would have to water him twice a week. That insult has moved to the top of my list. Others I've been known to use are: He's as dumb as a box of rocks. He's a waste of oxygen. He's a mouth breather. He doesn't have the good sense to pour piss out of a boot. He's from the shallow end of the gene pool. And knowing that folks at the Mudcat have a talent for colorful language I thought you might want a chance to add to the list. You don't need to use them on each other. Let's just compile them for the good of mankind. I have an appointment at a bank next week and I may need some new fresh ideas. Thanks. |
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03 Oct 15 - 02:47 AM (#3741437) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Stilly River Sage Mouth-breather is a good one, along with knuckle-dragger. And if you're into enjoying insults, be sure to listen to Nell Flaherety's Drake. Classic (curses, actually, but they add up to insults). |
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03 Oct 15 - 04:28 AM (#3741448) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Raggytash One sandwich short of a picnic Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree Too strong for light work |
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03 Oct 15 - 04:43 AM (#3741451) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Sol Unashamedly cribbed from another website .......... "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." – (Response)->"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." "He had delusions of adequacy." "He never opens his mouth without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." |
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03 Oct 15 - 04:46 AM (#3741452) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dave the Gnome He's not got an inferiority complex, he is inferior. |
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03 Oct 15 - 04:59 AM (#3741458) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Sol He's depriving a village of an idiot |
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03 Oct 15 - 05:18 AM (#3741462) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dave Hanson May you live in interesting times. Dave H |
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03 Oct 15 - 06:00 AM (#3741472) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: DMcG "That's very interesting. I didn't say I liked it, I said it interested me" |
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03 Oct 15 - 06:56 AM (#3741478) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,kenny "Son of a 1000 fathers.................." |
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03 Oct 15 - 08:52 AM (#3741492) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw A few condoms short of an orgy. "You're quite a nice bloke but your shit stinks. Nothing personal, you understand." |
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03 Oct 15 - 09:05 AM (#3741493) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST "If I had a dog as ugly as you, I'd shave it's arse* and make it walk backwards" *For my USA friends - "ass" |
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03 Oct 15 - 11:29 AM (#3741517) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Sol Groucho Marx's comment to humorist S. J. Perelman: "From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it." Eugene McCarthy - "I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland". Bette Davis, on an unnamed starlet: "She's the original good time who was had by all." Bette Davis commenting on the death of long-time nemesis Joan Crawford] "You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good. Joan Crawford is dead. Good". |
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03 Oct 15 - 11:56 AM (#3741523) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Derrick A comment on a character report. "This man has reached rock bottom and commenced digging" |
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03 Oct 15 - 12:16 PM (#3741527) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: John on the Sunset Coast Guest Sol-- There is some doubt as to the origin of the 'good time girl' quotation. Hollywood columnist, Earl Wilson, in a 1946 book gives credit for it to a British actress, Leonora Corbett. Apparently he does not date the origin, nor the object of the jibe. Bette Davis has also been credited with naming a little gold statuette Oscar. It is the story I choose to believe because I worked for nearly two years with the man who was the inspiration for her so naming it. There are several other stories that are just as possible, or just as far-fetched. |
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03 Oct 15 - 12:20 PM (#3741528) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Can't remember when I heard this one, or who said it, or who it was about, but it was a comment about someone's book that went "it's the kind of book that, once you put it down, you can't pick it up again". A good one appropriate for today, as Denis Healey has just died, is his remark upon being criticised by Geoffrey Howe, saying it was like being savaged by a dead sheep. |
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03 Oct 15 - 12:33 PM (#3741533) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dave Hanson MP Bessie Bradock once accused Winston Churchill of being drunk in Parliament, Winston replied ' yes madam and you're ugly, but I'll be sober in the morning ' Dave H |
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03 Oct 15 - 12:46 PM (#3741535) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST I quite like waste of a skin or oxygen scavenger. |
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03 Oct 15 - 12:56 PM (#3741538) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Jim Carroll When I was an apprentice (not very quick on the uptake) an elderly electrician turned to me thoughtfully and said, "You know; when you were born, I think they threw the best bit away". Jim Carroll |
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03 Oct 15 - 03:22 PM (#3741565) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST As ugly as a ripple on a slop pail. |
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03 Oct 15 - 03:34 PM (#3741571) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Jim, that's a variant on the old circumcision one, when you say "when you were circumcised, they threw the wrong bit away." |
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03 Oct 15 - 03:47 PM (#3741578) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw When my dad was a little lad he was often looked after by a woman who was always referred to as Auntie Smith. Auntie Smith and my great Auntie Florence hated each other's guts. When Auntie Smith died, Auntie Florence stared down at her grave at the funeral and declared, in stentorian tones, "Eeee, Auntie, you were a bad 'un, but I'm sorry you're dead." |
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03 Oct 15 - 03:52 PM (#3741580) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F That isn't right. It isn't even wrong. Squeeze that pimple between your shoulders before it comes to a head. |
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03 Oct 15 - 04:24 PM (#3741589) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Wesley S Shes so ugly she could make a train jump the tracks and take a walk. He's a taco short of a combo platter. |
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03 Oct 15 - 04:36 PM (#3741593) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: MGM·Lion "That's very good, Robbie," said Oscar Wilde to his friend Robbie Ross who had just made a witty remark; "I wish I had said that." "You will, Oscar, you will," Ross replied. ≈M≈ |
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03 Oct 15 - 06:51 PM (#3741611) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST Mathew 5:22 whosoever shall say to his brother, 'Raca,' shall be in danger of the council; but whosoever shall say, 'Thou fool,' shall be in danger of hell fire. |
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03 Oct 15 - 07:10 PM (#3741615) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Jack Campin "Wanfukkit": http://www.dsl.ac.uk/entry/dost/wanfukkit I think it only occurs in "The Flyting of Dunbar and Kennedy" (c. 1500). The meaning seems to be that your parents were so unenthusiastic about fucking each other that they didn't properly fuck you into existence. http://prairieuprisingessays.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/on-wanfukkit-funling.html |
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03 Oct 15 - 07:20 PM (#3741619) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,# The covers of the book are too far apart. Last evening the ___________ Symphony Orchestra played Mozart. Mozart lost. |
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04 Oct 15 - 05:03 AM (#3741652) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: theleveller I particularly like the quote attributed to Samuel Johnson when asked to review a manuscript: "Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good." I also like this wonderful curse: "May the curse of Mary Malloy and her nine blind, illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of damnation that the good Lord himself won't find you with a telescope." Perhaps the most damning of all is: "You have delusions of adequacy." |
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04 Oct 15 - 06:41 AM (#3741670) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw When I worked on Radcliffe Parks Dept. the superintendent was, er, not exactly a man's man and was not much liked by the workforce. I once heard the tractor man say that the trouble with the superintendent was that he thought his dick was for pissing out of. |
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04 Oct 15 - 06:58 AM (#3741677) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dave Hanson He's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Dave H |
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04 Oct 15 - 07:00 AM (#3741678) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: MGM·Lion "I hope your wife eats biscuits in bed!" ≈M≈ |
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04 Oct 15 - 07:46 AM (#3741692) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST Wiki on James Abott McNeill Whistler who they say said "Oh you will Oscar, you will" "Dear Randolphe, utterly unspoilt by failure" Noel Coward on Randolphe Churchill (nephew of Winston S) "He played the King as if someone had just played the Ace" of an actor in King Lear "Thye wit is a s thick as Tewekesbury Mustard" Shakespear - Tweekesburg Mustard was originally made with mustard & horseraddish, rolled into balls and dried Thick as two short planks and twice as wide. Said out loud by a superior calling for a colleague's attention "_______ you venereal toerag". The room went silent in homage to the accuracy. |
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04 Oct 15 - 07:51 AM (#3741698) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw "He's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp." Or, he's got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle. |
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04 Oct 15 - 07:59 AM (#3741699) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Great cricket sledging incident: Aussie fast bowler Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes. McGrath called out to Brandes "Why are you so fat?" Brandes replied "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit." |
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04 Oct 15 - 01:11 PM (#3741738) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST May your balls turn square and fester at the corners. I hope your next shit is a hedgehog. |
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04 Oct 15 - 01:34 PM (#3741745) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST She's uglier than death taking a shit. Or - crazier than a shithouse rat. From one of the Mash sequel books, years back: If he could shoot his IQ, Palmer and Niclaus would be driving trucks. |
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04 Oct 15 - 01:37 PM (#3741747) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Midchuck Last Guest was me. Sorry. Why does this list keep losing my cookie while the damn nuisance advertisers never do? |
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04 Oct 15 - 03:20 PM (#3741769) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw |
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04 Oct 15 - 04:15 PM (#3741775) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw "I hope your next shit is a hedgehog." I heard that one as "I hope your next shit is a porcupine coming out backwards." |
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04 Oct 15 - 07:59 PM (#3741822) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Rapparee Disowning him is a good idea; he drags the rest of the family down and it's not too far up as it is. He's an only child; his parents gave up in dispair. Sticking his head in a blender would improve his looks. Proof that IQ's should be measured in negative numbers. When he was born they broke the mold -- thank God. A living, breathing, example of the falsity of the Theory of Evolution. Lazy? Well, if he was a dog he'd want the tree to come to him. There's nothing there to brainwash. Uglier than ten miles of homemade sin on a mud fence. When he was born his mother and the nurses slapped the doctor. Rattlesnakes wouldn't crawl in with him in a blizzard. He's so crooked that he has to back up a hundred yards to unscrew himself from bed every morning. A face only a mother could love, and none do. |
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05 Oct 15 - 11:45 AM (#3741907) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Acorn4 To two idiots at the bar making a racket during a performance. Didn't realise this place had two village idiots. Are they on a jobshare? |
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05 Oct 15 - 01:29 PM (#3741923) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Bert He wouldn't know his prick from his thumb if it didn't have a nail on it. He looks like a bundle of sticks tied up ugly. He looks like a sack of shit tied up with string. |
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05 Oct 15 - 07:58 PM (#3741984) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw "Just because you sell a lot of records it doesn't mean to say you're any good - look at Phil Collins." --Noel Gallagher |
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05 Oct 15 - 11:36 PM (#3742001) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Rapparee He's so ugly and stinks so bad flies leave him for the outhouse. |
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06 Oct 15 - 05:35 AM (#3742025) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Salve Couple of dwarves short of a quest |
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06 Oct 15 - 05:51 AM (#3742031) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: banjoman He confuses his own opinion with fact (Said, I think of Jeremy Clarkson) As thick as two short planks. A face only a mother could love |
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06 Oct 15 - 07:18 AM (#3742041) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST If shit was brains he'd be constipated. |
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06 Oct 15 - 07:28 AM (#3742042) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,lao dude from the shallow end of the gene pool |
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06 Oct 15 - 07:42 AM (#3742043) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST She had a face like a bag of spànners (wrenches) She had a face like a burst couch |
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06 Oct 15 - 08:05 AM (#3742044) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Bum like a burst bag of broad beans (Harry Enfield) Face like three pounds of badly-wrapped mince (Mike Harding) |
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06 Oct 15 - 08:32 AM (#3742048) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,gillymor One musician dissing another: "He couldn't improvise a belch after a Hungarian dinner." If she had as many dicks sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her she'd look like a porcupine. |
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06 Oct 15 - 10:45 AM (#3742071) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,mayomick A nautical insult. "He has a stern face" An insult to a woman (one who can take a joke ) . I think you'd look good in something long and flowing ........( like a river ) |
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06 Oct 15 - 02:02 PM (#3742109) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Jack Campin Thomas Beecham described Karajan as "a sort of musical Malcolm Sargent". |
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06 Oct 15 - 03:45 PM (#3742127) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Speaking of Beecham, he is alleged to have said to a lady cellist, "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it." |
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06 Oct 15 - 05:36 PM (#3742143) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mrrzy Somebody reviewed a book and said, this is not a book to be tossed aside lightly, it should be thrown with great force. I like anything in the "a few (--) short of a(n) --" My x used to call people a waste of skin, which I found extremely insulting. |
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06 Oct 15 - 06:43 PM (#3742155) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler From a recording of "Liverpool scene" doing the "hate song": "You make me feel like a septic bowel". |
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06 Oct 15 - 08:19 PM (#3742161) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F What is dumber than a dumb Norweigian? A smart Swede. When a Scotsman moves to England, it raises the average of intelligence in both countries. |
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07 Oct 15 - 12:31 AM (#3742181) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: MGM·Lion Mrrzy's quote was from Dorothy Parker iirc. Someone being "a waste of space" is one I like. ≈M≈ |
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07 Oct 15 - 12:41 AM (#3742182) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: MGM·Lion That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them," is another nice Dorothy Parkerism. She was noted for them: "If all the ladies at Vassar were laid end to end, it wouldn't surprise me in the least." |
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07 Oct 15 - 11:57 AM (#3742279) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dave Sutherland Northern club stag night comedian's retort to a heckler "If there were two blokes walking down the street and one was bored to death - you'd be the other fucker" |
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07 Oct 15 - 12:37 PM (#3742288) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mr Red when all explanations fail: "Give me a shovel & I'll draw a picture" Dorathy Parker attempting to go through a door. Some chorus girl said to her "Age before beauty" Dottie swept through saying "And pearls before swine". |
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08 Oct 15 - 08:11 AM (#3742405) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Raggytash Many years ago we were in a pub where there was quite an obnoxious young man, my friend Maddy asked "I wonder if they do post-dated abortions" |
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08 Oct 15 - 08:34 AM (#3742408) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,gillymor Two buddies of mine were drinking at a popular bar in D.C. back in the 70's and were being waited on by a very attractive barmaid. Pete, an unremitting horndog, spent most of the evening trying to get her phone # but she was not interested. Giving up, Pete hauled out his member and bid her look at it while he sat there and said "see what you're missing out on?". Without missing a beat the young lady said, "That looks like a dick, only smaller". |
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08 Oct 15 - 11:12 AM (#3742458) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Rapparee Too bad there was a hole in his father's condom. He found a shop where you can buy ugly by the pound and stupid by the ton and he shoplifted both. He's too stupid to be illiterate. Ignorance can be fixed, and so should he. |
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08 Oct 15 - 02:32 PM (#3742496) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Elmore Overheard in a bar in Henniker, NH many years ago. Bar fly: " If I ever need a brain transplant, I want your brain." Barmaid: "Why?" Bar fly: "Because it's never been used." |
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08 Oct 15 - 06:50 PM (#3742539) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,DTM One of my favourites came from the late Nick Keir of the McCalmans. After singing a sentimental Scottish ballad while touring abroad, a female ex-pat in the audience started to cry. He asked her if the song had made her homesick. She replied "No. I'm a music teacher." |
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08 Oct 15 - 08:42 PM (#3742559) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: kendall Homely She looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. So stupid, he thinks Western union is cowboys underwear. Not threaded all the way on. Too numb to know port from starboard. don't know gee from haw. Has a face that would turn a funeral up a blind alley. " " " stop an 8 day clock. Singer, she has a voice that could shatter Tupperware. (My contribution, taken from "It sure as hell aint country" by me. Fat guy, he has more chins than a Chinese phone book. |
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09 Oct 15 - 10:21 AM (#3742660) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dave Hanson He has a mind like a soupbowl, wide and shallow. Dave H |
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09 Oct 15 - 11:07 AM (#3742672) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: kendall His mind is like the river Platte; a mile wide and a foot deep. Warren G. Harding). At least, he admitted being numb. |
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09 Oct 15 - 03:09 PM (#3742723) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Prime Minister Harold Wilson once said of Norman St John Stevas, "In all his interventions this week he has only succeeded in demonstrating to the House the fundamental depths of his shallowness." |
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09 Oct 15 - 05:22 PM (#3742736) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Rapparee From out here in The West: So dumb he thinks he has to butter his meadow muffin before he eats it. He lifts his pinky when he lifts his beer. So Western he's Eastern. Said of a wannabee by a Shoshone friend: More Indian than Sitting Bull. Ugly enough to stop two trains and a stampede at the same time. She scares the dead in the cemetery. The last time he was sober was before water was invented. |
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10 Oct 15 - 03:26 PM (#3742866) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Triplane From Billy Bennets Xmas Day in the Cookhouse You're the man that stopped bacon from shrinking, By making the cook fry with Lux, And you wound up the cuckoo clock backwards, And now it goes'oo' fore it'cucks'. So thank you, and bless you, and blow you, You just take these curses from me, May your wife give you nothing for dinner, And then warm it up for your tea. Whatever you eat, may it always repeat Be it soup, fish, entree, or horse doovers, May blue bottles and flies descend from the skies And use your bald head for manoeuvres. May the patent expire on your evening dress shoes, May your Marcel waves all come uncurled, May your flannel shirt shrink up the back of your neck And expose your deceit to the world. |
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10 Oct 15 - 04:04 PM (#3742876) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Barry (Guest) May your earholes turn to arseholes and shit all over your shoulders. I hope your rabbits die and you can't sell the hutches |
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10 Oct 15 - 06:23 PM (#3742901) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,DTM Michael Billington's review on the return of the show "Godspell" to London. "For those of you who missed it the first time here's a golden opportunity to miss it again." Ouch! |
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10 Oct 15 - 06:28 PM (#3742902) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Jack Campin Both insulter and insultee of "like being savaged by a dead sheep" died in the last week. |
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10 Oct 15 - 06:30 PM (#3742904) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Ed T ""You're stupid, let's accept that and move on."" ― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code |
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10 Oct 15 - 08:37 PM (#3742929) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: LadyJean From a friend who grew up in Queens NY, "Go to heaven and make a U turn 17 times.' From someone in my mom's family, "Ugly as home made sin." From me, concerning a girl I knew in school, "Her mother was a Snodgrass, and she was the biggest Snodgrass I've ever known. |
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10 Oct 15 - 08:58 PM (#3742934) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Tears shall not be shed this end, Jack. |
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11 Oct 15 - 04:26 PM (#3743142) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Tattie Bogle Probably posted this before on a similar thread a few years back, but from medical school: "If you had just one more neurone, you could make a synapse": (a synapse being a connection between 2 nerve cells). Orthopaedic registrar showing X-ray to a class of bemused students (broad Yorkshire accent required): "Aw come on lads, even a policeman could see it was broken!" |
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11 Oct 15 - 09:52 PM (#3743199) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: gnu Forgive me if it has been said before. "I break wind in your general direction." Can't recall the citation. Python? |
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12 Oct 15 - 12:41 AM (#3743212) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,jonm His head whistles in a cross-wind, He cannot even spell IQ. |
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12 Oct 15 - 03:26 AM (#3743222) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mr Red The Urban Dictionary suggests that a Snodgrass is neck pubes, that is the hair in the neck region that haircuts don't quite get to. |
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13 Oct 15 - 02:06 AM (#3743479) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Frank Six Million Sperm and you had to be the fastest swimmer.! He's got a face like a badly pegged out fox skin. To Her. Do you know what would look nice behind your ears? Your ankles. Not the brightest globe in the chandelier. Missing a Kangaroo in the top paddock. |
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13 Oct 15 - 08:38 AM (#3743543) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Wesley S Here's another one I found in a book of John Sanford's: The French have four levels on their terrorism alerts. Run, Hide, Surrender and Collaborate. |
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13 Oct 15 - 08:49 AM (#3743549) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dave the Gnome Forgive me if it has been posted before - The Shakespeare Insult Kit :D |
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13 Oct 15 - 09:58 AM (#3743573) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Rapparee Did your mother ever know your father's right name? He's not even the product of a one night stand. If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his nose. A man of few words and fewer brain cells. Did your mother have any children that lived? A lobotomy would only make him smarter. |
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13 Oct 15 - 08:38 PM (#3743735) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F Have you heard? There aren't going to be any more Texans. Okies have sworn off fucking Mexicans. |
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14 Oct 15 - 01:56 PM (#3743902) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mr Red I first came across the "The Shakespeare Insult Kit " concept as the "Instant Buzzword Generator". Different words but same process. |
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14 Oct 15 - 02:56 PM (#3743912) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: MGM·Lion "If you were my husband I'd put arsenic in your tea." "If I were your husband I'd drink it." ≈M≈ |
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14 Oct 15 - 03:03 PM (#3743913) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F Professor: What are J. Robert Oppenheimer's important contributions to physics? Ph.D. candidate: I don't know. Professor: That's the correct answer. |
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14 Oct 15 - 03:53 PM (#3743931) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Triplane A face like a melted wellie |
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14 Oct 15 - 11:39 PM (#3744012) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Wesley S The folks from Oklahoma had to cancel their party. They lost their recipe for ice. |
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15 Oct 15 - 12:53 AM (#3744013) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Bert There are no Aggie jokes. They are all true stories. Who would hire an engineer from a college that couldn't build a bonfire? |
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15 Oct 15 - 09:50 PM (#3744257) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F Why is there no British computer industry? They couldn't find a way to make them leak oil. |
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16 Oct 15 - 03:49 AM (#3744284) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Bert Joe_F, That is Baaad. LOL. It was the official secrets act that killed the British computer industry. All of the advances that they made during the war (when they were the best in the world) were kept under wraps for fifty years. Oh, and the worst British cars for leaking oil were Fords. |
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16 Oct 15 - 08:02 PM (#3744518) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Bee-dubya-ell Ran across this one in Christopher Moore's latest book Secondhand Souls: "As loopy as a snake salad" |
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16 Oct 15 - 09:07 PM (#3744527) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Not so, Bert. Only a man who has never owned a Triumph Dolomite would say that. My Dolomite 1850 had these drilled-out recesses on top of the engine block that collected leaked oil. If you ever had to drive on to a ramp or up a very steep hill, the oil would flow backwards into the clutch bell-housing. Your clutch would then slip for the next two hundred miles. |
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17 Oct 15 - 07:52 AM (#3744625) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mr Red Steep Hill? Dolomite? - the clue was in the name! |
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17 Oct 15 - 12:48 PM (#3744687) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Tattie Bogle Look no further than one of the other threads below the line! They're at it again! |
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17 Oct 15 - 05:41 PM (#3744772) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Tattie Bogle Following from no 99 - FFS, get a life! (100!) Ok, where's the insult? - those who revel in online character assassination might find this insulting! Bloody good if you do! |
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17 Oct 15 - 11:31 PM (#3744834) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: EBarnacle Steve, that quote [10/6] belongs to Mitch Miller. After a round of golf when the minister discovered that his opponent was the club pro: Bring your parents around sometime. I'll be happy to marry them. Me, on being told to improv insults during a movie scene: You're lower than whale shit but messier. |
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18 Oct 15 - 06:40 PM (#3745000) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Bert I didn't know that Steve. |
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18 Oct 15 - 07:03 PM (#3745004) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Mind you, that Dolomite could growl. No fifth gear so a loud growl. 26 to the gallon on a good day. The burgundy ones (e.g. mine) had paint that you could actually stand there and see oxidise before your very eyes. The rusting was legendary. The front pads lasted for less than 4000 miles. The exhaust manifold bolts routinely worked loose and the only way to get at them to tighten was by removing the starter motor, which was itself pretty inaccessible. Wheel bearings were good for less than 10000 miles. Rubber membranes in the the twin carbs that split as soon as you went anywhere near them.. The leaf springs had an incurable loud squeak at all times. The fuel line was prone to myocardial infarction, curable by detaching it at the fuel pump and blowing down it. Aye, they don't make cars like they used to, Bert! Having said that, I once borrowed an Austin Maestro for fifteen months. Excuse me if I don't go there... |
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18 Oct 15 - 09:46 PM (#3745049) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Bert Hmmm, that sounds worse that the 75 Volvo I used to own, on which I used up all of my favorite insults. Perhaps we need to start a bad car thread. |
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18 Oct 15 - 09:49 PM (#3745050) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Ed T speaking about whale crap |
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19 Oct 15 - 09:16 AM (#3745150) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST Some of my favorites: As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. Has the mental agility of a small soap dish. Has a face like a bucket of frogs. Bob Hitchcock. |
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19 Oct 15 - 09:23 AM (#3745152) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw He's as crazy as Joe C*nt's cat. |
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19 Oct 15 - 03:07 PM (#3745236) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mr Red Bright as a NAFFI candle Dim as a Toch H lamp Daft as a brush |
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19 Oct 15 - 05:13 PM (#3745270) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: MGM·Lion Have never understood that last one. What is daft about a brush? ≈M≈ |
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20 Oct 15 - 10:45 AM (#3745459) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw You'd lose your balls if they weren't in a bag. |
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20 Oct 15 - 01:05 PM (#3745467) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Sol (MGM "Have never understood that last one. What is daft about a brush?) I don't understand it either MGM. That said, I've used the expression regularly all my life without thinking of its derivation. |
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20 Oct 15 - 01:13 PM (#3745472) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: MGM·Lion http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/as-daft-as-a-brush.html Not much help, coz compiler of this can't really explain it anyhow. But worth a look, maybe, for the terminologically interested among us. ≈M≈ |
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20 Oct 15 - 01:19 PM (#3745473) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Sol From a quick search on the net it seems there are three plausible explanations for the 'daft as a brush' expression. 1) brush of a fox = soft and soft = daft in North England 2) small children dropped down chimneys instead of a brush often incurred head injuries. 3) when a wet brush is poked, you 'dab'. When a dry brush is poked, you 'daff'. These words are onomatopoeic. The word also appears in the first verse of The Flowers Of The Forest, where in context it means something like a nudge in the ribs. When a brush has been daffed a great deal, its bristles splay out in all directions. The brush is then called "daft" and it becomes practically useless. Someone who is daft as a brush is unable to direct their concentration properly to the matter in hand. No. 3 is the most plausible to me. |
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20 Oct 15 - 02:09 PM (#3745474) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: MGM·Lion Agreed. Many thanks, Sol. It will certainly do as an explanation until (as they say) a better one comes along! ≈M≈ |
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21 Oct 15 - 04:56 AM (#3745607) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mr Red Thanx 4 the Daffed as a Brush - amazing how words morph and loose their context! |
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21 Oct 15 - 08:48 PM (#3745812) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F George Orwell, on what turned out to be his deathbed, amused himself by making up rude words to "Oranges and Lemons": Your mother's a spinster, Say the bells of Westminster, Don't be talking balls, Say the bells of St Paul's, etc. For some additional suggestions, see this thread. |
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21 Oct 15 - 10:23 PM (#3745821) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Rapparee Nates pilosas, fili, non potes asse venditare. Homo et humanita expers et vitae communis ignarus. |
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22 Oct 15 - 04:27 PM (#3745947) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mr Red Born hairy , daughter , not power approval sale Homo and kindness wanting and life common unacquainted with. according to http://www.translation-guide.com/free_online_translators.php?from=Latin&to=English & I thought Latin was predictable! (being a dead language) |
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22 Oct 15 - 04:45 PM (#3745951) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Donuel She is like an adorable baby, she has a hole in head, wakes up every 2 hours and cries until she eats and pukes half the time after drinking. |
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22 Oct 15 - 06:14 PM (#3745974) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST,Sol Nil Illegitimus Carborundum :-) |
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22 Oct 15 - 08:23 PM (#3745997) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Rapparee Broke-dick mamalucca! (--Spaw) Broken pissant fart. So dumb that if brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his nose. Too dumb to pound sand into a rat hole. He's a tenth of the man he thinks he is -- if that. Okay, I'll say something positive about him! I'm positive he's stupider than I think. |
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22 Oct 15 - 08:47 PM (#3746002) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F Quod nulli calicem tuum propinas, humane facis, Horme, non superbe. -- Martial It isn't good manners to toast without passing the cup, but, seeing it's you, I suppose you're just being considerate. |
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22 Oct 15 - 11:13 PM (#3746015) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Wesley S A friend told me this one today from a TV show. He's nuttier than a porta-potty at a peanut convention. |
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23 Oct 15 - 12:17 AM (#3746021) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GUEST Couldn't pour water out of a boot if the directions were on the heel. Nice thread Wesley S |
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23 Oct 15 - 12:19 AM (#3746022) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: MGM·Lion My father used to say "If he had two or three more wits he might be a halfwit!" ≈M≈ |
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23 Oct 15 - 04:03 PM (#3746217) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: GRex Heard in the Hamilton Folk Club way back in the seventies and said by the singer to a persistent interrupter "The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it" GRex |
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23 Oct 15 - 05:49 PM (#3746231) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F "No man with a mouth like that ever lets go." -- H. L. Mencken, of William Jennings Bryan. * Reply to a witticism: "Oh, you're a wit and a half, you are." |
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24 Oct 15 - 01:16 PM (#3746386) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dorothy Parshall "He's a knock-kneed, bow-legged runty little nothing sawed down to a point with no brains in his cocoa!" |
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15 May 19 - 07:43 PM (#3992584) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: kendall Her face would stop an 8 day clock. he was so stupid he thought Western union was cowboy's underwear. Her ass was so big it had its own zip code. When he was born the doctor said, "It's a boy." his father said, "a boy what"? He is such a liar, if he wants his dog to come in he has to get someone else to call it. |
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15 May 19 - 08:14 PM (#3992589) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw She's got a bum like a burst bag of broad beans (Harry Enfield). He has a face like three pounds of badly-wrapped mince (Mike Harding) "I'm not saying that he's not a man's man, but he does think his dick's for pissing out of..." |
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15 May 19 - 09:21 PM (#3992594) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Rapparee His folks evolved into rocks and he's the pinnacle of their evolution. I'm not saying you're ugly, but I know the highway department employs you to stop landslides and avalanches. As an author he's so bad that the linotype went on strike. His heart transplant rejected HIM. |
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15 May 19 - 09:55 PM (#3992595) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: meself One I just heard, that a cop said to the surprising small president of a Hell's Angels branch in Quebec: "Last time I saw cowboy boots that small, they were on a key chain!" |
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16 May 19 - 06:54 AM (#3992611) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw When they circumcised you they threw the wrong bit away. |
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16 May 19 - 03:57 PM (#3992667) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: WalkaboutsVerse There is nothing like a good joke - and that was nothing like a good joke (pal of Mary Poppins). |
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16 May 19 - 04:34 PM (#3992671) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mo the caller My father claimed that he prepared a speech to propose to my mother "Darling when I look into your eyes time stand still." but that he actually said "Your face would stop a clock. Your teeth are like the stars, they come out at night" |
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16 May 19 - 06:36 PM (#3992682) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Ha ha! At school we used to say, your teeth are like stars, they come out at night. Your eyes are like pools, football pools. Your ears are like flowers, cauliflowers. Cheers for taking me back fifty years, Mo! :-) |
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16 May 19 - 06:52 PM (#3992690) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Jack Campin A shiver ran along the Labour front bench looking for a spine to run up. - Ian Blackford, Scottish National Party MP |
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16 May 19 - 09:28 PM (#3992702) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F You can be replaced with an equal volume of fresh air. * When Italy declared war on England in WW2, Churchill is said to have remarked, "It's only fair. We had to put up with them last time." (A prophetic taunt!) |
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16 May 19 - 11:09 PM (#3992705) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Rapparee You're a medical miracle! The last time you had diarrhea you didn't completely disappear! |
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17 May 19 - 02:39 AM (#3992717) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Jim Carroll When I first tried my hand at singing I was told, "If you were singing for shit you wouldn't get the smell on it" Jim Carroll |
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17 May 19 - 03:27 AM (#3992723) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw He's so thick that he couldn't find his arse with both hands. |
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17 May 19 - 05:13 AM (#3992737) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: David C. Carter Shostakovich:"Wagner's music is better than it sounds". |
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17 May 19 - 05:18 AM (#3992738) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: David C. Carter Noel Coward,when asked by a society lady what he thought of her painting: "A bit Touch'n'Gaughan". |
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17 May 19 - 06:58 AM (#3992747) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw Rossini on Wagner: "Wagner has beautiful moments, but awful quarters of an hour." |
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17 May 19 - 05:40 PM (#3992821) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Joe_F "Do you eat with that mouth?" (Said to someone who has just made an offensive remark.) |
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17 May 19 - 05:46 PM (#3992824) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Donuel I'm told Wagner is better than it sounds. |
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17 May 19 - 06:53 PM (#3992834) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Tattie Bogle @David C Carter: is that not a double insult? Dick Gaughan might think so! Doncha mean "A bit Touch'n'Gauguin"? |
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17 May 19 - 09:00 PM (#3992840) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Neil D When he was a kid, they had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him. Like having a battle of wits with an unarmed man. They said he was quite the wit...they were half right. The only good thing to come out of Cork is the road to Kerry. Over a hundred years ago my grandfather fronted a judge on the courthouse steps and said "I wouldn't trust you to adjudicate a rape case among dogs." |
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18 May 19 - 02:35 AM (#3992850) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: BobL She was so dumb, she had to take her blouse off to count up to two. |
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18 May 19 - 05:01 PM (#3992921) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mrrzy Oh, you're from Culpeper? Good place to be from... Shows you had the sense to leave. |
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19 May 19 - 04:50 AM (#3992983) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: David C. Carter Tattie Bogle. So I should have typed:Gaughuin. But don't let it keep you awake all night. Cheers |
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19 May 19 - 09:00 AM (#3992999) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Donuel A champion insulter was probably personally subject to the most insults |
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19 May 19 - 04:39 PM (#3993083) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mrrzy Those Shakespeare insult generators are fun- thou cross-pated knave. |
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20 May 19 - 04:47 PM (#3993174) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Mr Red I like referring to Dunning-Kruger. The target would not have the nouse to look it up. In fact I recently used it and the response was "you are just spouting mumbo jumbo". Bulls-eye! |
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22 May 19 - 01:09 PM (#3993430) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Donuel I have 4 extra canine teeth but I don't sniff poop on purpose. |
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22 May 19 - 02:54 PM (#3993455) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Thompson Wasn't it Daniel O'Connell who said Robert Peel had a smile like the brass plate on a coffin? |
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23 May 19 - 04:03 AM (#3993532) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dave the Gnome Not an insult but my favourite curse is "May the hole in your arse heal up". :D tG |
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23 May 19 - 10:08 AM (#3993582) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Donuel You know who's 'stink radius', is as broad as the internet. 30 years ago it was only 20 meters. |
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23 May 19 - 11:49 AM (#3993591) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Steve Shaw I'm not saying he's ugly, but he has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.... |
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23 May 19 - 01:15 PM (#3993603) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Dave the Gnome When he was born they slapped his mother. |
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24 May 19 - 08:38 PM (#3993799) Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults From: Donuel Hell is full of musical amateurs who can only play the recording Go to hell. You wouldn't like heaven without utilities anyway. We learn from experience that men never learn from experience. |