BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister

15 Mar 16 - 04:25 AM (#3778923)
Subject: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

In the wake of our American cousins proposing people to positions of power I would like to propose Steve Shaw to the highest elected office in Britain, that of prime Minister.

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15 Mar 16 - 04:53 AM (#3778927)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Very nice Michael, Is it Matrons day off today?

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15 Mar 16 - 05:10 AM (#3778932)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Musket for Chancellor and Archbishop of Sheffield, from Wednesday onward. I'll find summat for the other one in a minute :-)

Teribus for Ministry of Hangin' 'n' Floggin'

Raggytash for Ministry of Culture and Beard Cultivation

Dave the Gnome for Ministry of Bingo and Other Arts (if he can be arsed with "other arts")

Michael...ah, Michael: how about a sinecure in a (very) remote outpost of the Empire...nurse can come with you, we promise...

Pete: education. A shoo-in.

Joe Offer: Elf Secretary

My private secretary will be that dishy young lady doctor off of Holby City. No contest. Otherwise I'm not playing and you can have Blair back.

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15 Mar 16 - 05:22 AM (#3778933)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu

My god.

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15 Mar 16 - 05:23 AM (#3778934)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

KAOH for War Minister??

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15 Mar 16 - 05:29 AM (#3778938)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion

Re "we promise", Stevikins.

Who "we"?

Delusions of royalty now, is it? Tchk tchk! Goodness how sad!

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15 Mar 16 - 06:42 AM (#3778946)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Donuel

Dear Mr. Shaw, To say America has lost its
nuance and finesse would at this point draw haughty laughter.
This country has had a spectrum of executives that were perverts much like ancient Rome had theirs.

One could say "but we survived" as if no harm done. What is lost is beyond measure. Do you feel the same may be true of your country?

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15 Mar 16 - 06:57 AM (#3778949)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Backwoodsman

"My private secretary will be that dishy young lady doctor off of Holby City. No contest. Otherwise I'm not playing and you can have Blair back."

In the queue, Stevie-boy! Mrs. Fenswoman can confirm that I bagged her a long time ago, as part of a two-part set - the other part being Kylie! 👍😎

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15 Mar 16 - 07:26 AM (#3778954)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu

You'll all have to swear loyalty to the Great Pixie of Belligerence who rules by the Divine Right of The Lord of the Ancient Order of the False Dawn.

Meanwhile, on the margins the resistance quietly gathers and draw their plans against the establishment headed by The Infallible Shaw of the Unsublime Opinion and his Three Pet Musket Monkey's (Speak shite, Speak Shite and Speak Shite).

Meanwhile, the Bash Street Kids invade an egg box that has been discarded by the voice of reason on a motorway cutting somewhere near Cherwell Valley services. Marx spins in his grave, making a noise like a hum (but quite different in reality) and in a large, faceless conurbation near a phone mast the last known wild peasant walks into a Poundland and buys pair of 1.25 reading specs and later, in the local park where the hydrocarbon lake fizzes and pops and releases a reek, lies down with a bundle of post-it notes on which are written words and more words with meanings and eventually falls into a deep, dreamless sleep.

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15 Mar 16 - 07:31 AM (#3778955)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Backwoodsman

Wow!

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15 Mar 16 - 07:38 AM (#3778956)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Right...

Stu will be first up against the wall, (and not in the same way as her off Holby City, not that I have ever watched it.). His three pet monkey's what? Or monkeys' for that matter, but obviously not monkeys. No chance of Stu getting pete's education post in any reshuffle then.

There will be no resistance. Or at least unless Rt Hon Mr Shaw stops his weird association with Anfield. If he doesn't, I'll lead any opposition.

Michael is harmless but just in case, get him sectioned by parliamentary decree. (Get him access to help if nothing else.)

Anyway, he can't be Prime Minister. He doesn't live in The UK. Cornwall declared UDI years ago.

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15 Mar 16 - 07:39 AM (#3778957)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

I'll have a pint of whatever Stu's been on!

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15 Mar 16 - 08:08 AM (#3778966)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Backwoodsman

I suspect it would be better in a very large home-made cigarette, Raggy!

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15 Mar 16 - 08:15 AM (#3778967)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: gillymor

Try to resist the temptation to send the Grand Fleet back to the Falklands.

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15 Mar 16 - 08:25 AM (#3778969)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker

Can I be minister for electric guitars and natural silicon free breasts...???

what...??? this department does not exist.... why not !!!??? 😖

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15 Mar 16 - 08:59 AM (#3778975)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T

You dont seem to have tge feel of a minister of titties, there are wider options for breast enlargement materials than silicone, including gummy bears.
:)

Beyond silicone 

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15 Mar 16 - 09:02 AM (#3778977)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker

errrrm... I.. I would be equally prepared to accept minister for the department of cider apples and naturally cultivated unshaven lady minge... 😜

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15 Mar 16 - 09:07 AM (#3778980)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Gentlemen!!

This is a serious thread, please do not let it degenerate into squalor and sleaze.

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15 Mar 16 - 09:15 AM (#3778983)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker

That's it.. you are a genius...

Can I be minister for the department of squalor and sleaze...!!!!! 😜

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15 Mar 16 - 09:17 AM (#3778984)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker

... oh.. wait... on second thoughts... maybe not...

That department will be full of bigwig tories.... 😬

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15 Mar 16 - 09:19 AM (#3778985)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Consider yourself appointed, PFR, on condition that I get to review all your photo dossiers. On the motorway services point, austerity dictates that there will be none south of Sandbach, and even that was marginal. Soft Tory southerners will have to buy those in-car plastic pee accessories with the female adapters that I've seen in the Daily Star. I have determined also that every club in the Premier League has been guilty of unfair play this season, except for Liverpool, and will each be deducted fifteen points, except for Man U, twenty-five in their case. OK, the Man U bit is a blatant piece of populism, but I foresee no objections except from MikeL2 but I can run faster than him.

I'm still working on my religion policies. Be afraid. Be very afraid...

The Yorkshire Question is on hold. For now.

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15 Mar 16 - 09:32 AM (#3778988)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Please exercise caution when considering "The Yorkshire Question" Bear in mind there are some Lancastrians here doing missionary work.

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15 Mar 16 - 09:36 AM (#3778989)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

There'll be enough sleaze if you let me into the cabinet...

If as an advisor I can appraise Prime Minister Elect Shaw of ideas for a cabinet of the talents rather than the popularity one above, courtesy of "bumped up to The Lords out of the way" Raggytash....

Michael gets minister for appeasement, which should keep him in Jerusalem most of the time, out of the way.

Terribulus can be minister for war. I'm sure he'll find some pesky foreigners to launch our inept navy towards. He can occasionally report at the dispatch box how well prepared, ready, able and willing his conscripts are. (All night sitting, that one..)

Keith can be minister for history. He is good at convincing himself of an idealised history. We'll let him find a use for all those empty churches too. If he says they are full, job sorted.

Joe Offer can be American Ambassador to The Court of St James. If we swing a deal with the pope (brown envelopes usually work), he can be the Vatican rep too. Not as funny as elf minister but more useful in that guise. He can keep an under Blackfriars Bridge for us. You can never be too sure.

BWM can be minister for Lincolnshire. We'd only have to pay him one day a week because, let's face it, not exactly a priority, is it?

PFR can be minister for pervy fun.

Dave the Gnome will be Chancellor of The Duchy of Lancaster, of course. He may be able to sort out the ethnic cleansing over territory presently under The UN radar in Todmorden.

My good friend Musket will want to be chancellor of the exchequer. No, no reason. Just saying like..... Oh and as for Musket, give him Mr Speaker. He lives in London so is available for sitting in the chair. I can be Scottish secretary. I am well qualified, being English but owning (OK, RBS mortgage really own) a house up here and claim residency.

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15 Mar 16 - 09:52 AM (#3778993)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Cheek !!

When I am Queen I shall chop your head off if I get more of such language.

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15 Mar 16 - 09:58 AM (#3778994)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Of course, as Queen, I will also be the Duke Of Lancaster.

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15 Mar 16 - 10:00 AM (#3778996)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: olddude

Does he taste like prime rib? Lol will he ban trump or even trumpets and what about banjos

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15 Mar 16 - 10:21 AM (#3778999)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,MikeL2

Hi Steve

Hey oop.... if you deduct all those points from Man U. they will be negative this year.

Ok you beat us last week. I was there to watch the Pool completely outplay us. Worst United display I have seen for many a year.

< "OK, the Man U bit is a blatant piece of populism, but I foresee no objections except from MikeL2 but I can run faster than him">.

Don't be too sure, I won the Octogenarian 5 Metres sprint last week.

Cheers

Mike

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15 Mar 16 - 10:21 AM (#3779000)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

I am not at all sure whether being a deity (existing or retired) precludes the esteemed Mr Shaw from holding positions of a mere mortal nature. Still, I'd vote for anyone who can provide a suitable bribe...

As to the Yorkshire question. Having moved here a mere 3 years ago I am still unsure but I think the biggest question may be "How fuckin' much?!?!?!"

:D tG

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15 Mar 16 - 10:32 AM (#3779001)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Backwoodsman

The Hon. member for Sin City, B. Woodsman, is delighted to accept his appointment as Minister for Lincolnshire. I shall shortly submit my expenses claim for a second Lowden and Martin HD-28V, for use in my Westminster accommodation.

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15 Mar 16 - 10:49 AM (#3779005)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: olddude

Is a prime minister a preacher who really likes numbers?

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15 Mar 16 - 10:51 AM (#3779006)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu

As the leader of the resistance I reject all the new government's legislation without giving it a second or even a third or fourth or fifth of forth. I'll be around the 19th after the back nine has long ceased to be the final three furlongs and we plumb the depths and look into Davy Jone's Briny Ocean Tossed for some fathoms.

I hereby resign as leader of the remittance and am going to farm malingering whelks in a rockpool just outside Acocks Green. It is not written but this matters not a thingish.

I'm sure The Great Leader Shaw is a honest man made of fine beans and his Three Tumbling Muskets are of course forged from raw air and moulded into the semblance of three indistinct but bold and courageous orange balls like what them fisherpeeple use in their ganzied harassing of the ever elusive prey species.

The cabinet made of polished Tezzas as minister for fumbling and scrummaging and His Grace Joseph Special Offside (for it is himself) are good choices for the fray. There will be pudding.

PFR must be put out with cat or a fire hose or an "in" vote or even one of those triangular bits of plastic you find in rummage draws.

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15 Mar 16 - 11:01 AM (#3779008)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker

Minister for rummaging through drawers... hmmm..

Wonder if that job is still available, or if the ghosts of Sid James or Benny Hill have got there first....

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15 Mar 16 - 02:57 PM (#3779047)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

Minister responsible for putting more females in non-traditional positions.

Minister of

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15 Mar 16 - 05:25 PM (#3779074)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

OK, OK, Musket can be Speaker as long as he understands that he does not get to sit on my right hand. We had enough trouble with that when we were sorting out our Holy Trinity. I'm still not over the bloody carpal tunnel syndrome treatment. Fat bugger! As for the vexed Yorkshire Question, it may need refining, but here it is as far as things stand:

THE YORKSHIRE QUESTION: How does a Yorkshireman make an omelette?

PROVISIONAL ANSWER, TO BE REVIEWED: First, he nicks three eggs...
.

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15 Mar 16 - 08:02 PM (#3779099)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Joe Offer

I can see it now, the first meeting between Prime Minister Steve Shaw and President Donald Trump.

It gives yet another level of meaning to the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction....

Oy.

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15 Mar 16 - 08:15 PM (#3779102)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: olddude

My buddy steve is prime minister, he makes me laugh cause he is nuts like me

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15 Mar 16 - 08:44 PM (#3779106)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

In the words of the great Lawrence D. Hills, Dan, 'tis the nuttiness of the truly sane...

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16 Mar 16 - 02:23 AM (#3779125)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

How about something more useful, like the Brit Shift Mod?

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16 Mar 16 - 02:35 AM (#3779127)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Your fault Co Bloody Messiah for confusing ON right hand with AT right hand. Not my fault. At least you put your mace of office down first. They say that mace makes your eyes water. I know what they mean now.

Still, at least it meant your chromatic gob iron fell silent for a few minutes.

Anyway, what does King Maker Raggy get out of this? is he on a pension of guaranteed Whiby smoked haddock from that small smokery up the hill? Weekly tail end n chips? A jet necklace to (used to) match his tash?

It'll all come out when the minister for war briefs The Daily M*il you know....

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16 Mar 16 - 04:12 AM (#3779150)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

With Dan as pres over there and Steve as PM over here we are on to a winning formula!

And that is NOT the Yorkshire question. Everyone knows it applies to Scousers. Along with why did they dig a tunnel under the Mersey? Because the Scousers would nick a bridge...

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16 Mar 16 - 04:25 AM (#3779156)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu

Excerpt from Hansard, 15th March 2016.

The House met around tea-time.

Prayers were led my His Grace The Reverend Father Joseph Offer (blessed be his name), with attendant Pete (back from stoning homosexuals at dinner time).

Mr Speaker in the chair.

Prime Minister Steve Shaw: As a honest man of heritages vast and working class as is my wont I hereby declare a statue of myself shall be erected in Parliament Square to be used as a shrine to my all knowing and graceless genius.

cries of "right on" and "yer wot?" from the government benches, cries of "oo-oo" from the Musket monkeys

Speaker: Leader of the opposition, Ake

Ake: I reject the PM's proposal utterly as it will encourage foreigners, "liberals" and pigeons. I propose an alternative, namely a statue of Donald Drumpf and Our Lady of The Divine Misery Margaret Thatcher going at it like knives. I would just like to say "liberals" one more time as no-one understands it in the context I use it and wot I made right up, and also "cucumbers" because it takes more calories to say, hear and comprehend than there is in "cucumbers".

Punkfolkrocker: Cor! I've still got lead in me pencil too. Wey hey!

Prime Minister Shorn: I reject the honourable Ache's suggestion and amend my motion (pardon) to include smaller statues, recumbent at my oily feet of Raggy and his beardy, MGM and his lion with me standing on Keith's prize-winning swede.

Teribus: I donate all my kidneys to the queen; my hampton to Phil the Greek; my gnarled, pointy finger to Iain Duncan Smith to point at the filthy peasants; my liver to Nicola Sturgoen's hair surgeon and my brain to... hold on, who stole me friggin' brain? Bastards! You're all wrong!

At this point Terbium storms out of the chamber and was last seen licking the welcome mat at the MOD.

Musket Monkeys: Oo-oo! We're better than you all! We have more money that you all! We know it all! Our agreement with your point can be seen as vindication in the eyes of the feckless middle class! Anyone got any nuts?

Keith: May I humbly propose myself as the new minister for provoking an argument?

The house divides

Speaker: Vote in favour.

Keith: I never said that!

PM Shore: You bloody did:

Ake: "liberals!"

Keith: You're putting words into my mouth!

MGM: Punctuation!

PM Shaw: That's my line!

The Musket Monkeys start throwing poo at everyone

Musket Monkeys: Oo-oo! Superior we is! Maggots, the lot of you!

"His Holiness Joe Offer picks up his crozier and proclaims: THIS THREAD IS CLOSED". Cries of "shame" and "I knew it!". Everyone repairs to the Sweaty Nun for a pint or five and to play a few tunes.

Continued on page 94.

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16 Mar 16 - 05:25 AM (#3779159)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

"KAOH for War Minister??"

Many apologies for the typo in this. It should have read KAOH for Warminster, the town down in Wiltshire. Very poor broadband down there I believe.

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16 Mar 16 - 06:00 AM (#3779161)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Stu. You forgot the bit where we three hire a pick up, put expensive dining room chairs on the back (none of yer MFI crap) and sit on it whilst being driven round flicking Vs at the peasants.

Out of interest, it would be easy for us to throw shit at dishonourable members because we would demand exclusive access to the strangers' gallery overlooking the floor of the house, to save us having to cohort with the proletariat.

If you think we flick shit, wait till M'Unlearned Friend The Solicitor General Bridge introduces his private member's bill to allow chippy bastards to whinge without us laughing at them.

(True story this but, regarding shit and the House of Commons. Back when I was Lord High NHS (authority chair, there to look pretty and open health centres with posh plaques) for our area, I had to meet regularly with our two MPs, Harry Barnes and Dennis Skinner. Dennis told me about back when he was a new MP in 1970, and the first time the speaker admonished him. Some protesters had entered the strangers' gallery when a debate on farming was taking place. They threw a carrier bag full of cowshit. Most of it landed on the floor and a fair amount on Tam Dalyell. The speaker ordered clearing of the chamber, and Dennis objected, saying they couldn't adjourn because there was a motion on the floor.

No idea how embellished his account was but I suppose he got years of fun over telling the story...

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16 Mar 16 - 06:14 AM (#3779162)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

There will be no introduction of private members' anything under my regime. Not after Cameron sticking his private member into where it wasn't wanted.

Very good, Stu. I hereby promote you to Minister Without Portfolio. Sorry about that, but I assure you that the bugger on eBay who's late posting my portfolio order will be getting negative feedback from me.

What IS a "portfolio" anyway? Do they have carry handles?

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16 Mar 16 - 07:42 AM (#3779170)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion

"smaller statues, recumbent at my oily feet of...MGM and his lion" --
Stu
.,,.,.

Lion replies

"Grrrr-Grrrrrrrr-Grr!!!

Handy position for me to stretch up & bite your orgasmic organ, Mr Stu.

Grrrr-Grrrrrrrr-Grr!!!

Ars[e] Gratia Artis"

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16 Mar 16 - 08:26 AM (#3779172)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musketum Rex

Nutrix ! est etiam ille de lectulo!!!

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16 Mar 16 - 08:32 AM (#3779174)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

the minister for war briefs

Just read that out of context. But on reflection...

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16 Mar 16 - 08:46 AM (#3779176)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu

"Handy position for me to stretch up & bite your orgasmic organ, Mr Stu."

I'm not involved. I don't have a portfolio, which means more time in the bar.

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16 Mar 16 - 11:46 AM (#3779219)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Of course you aren't involved. Not rich enough, not important enough, not endowed enough... Need I go on?

I'll put a half of shandy behind the bar for you. There'll be a small form for you to sign so I can get tax relief in it as a charitable donation.

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16 Mar 16 - 12:08 PM (#3779222)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Now, now, I will not have splits in my cabinet.

Actually, I split the wood in my cabinet by trying to stuff too many portfolios into it. That was after I read something about using a "cabinet enforcer." Thought I'd try to do it myself. Sod it.

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16 Mar 16 - 12:38 PM (#3779225)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

Go for it

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16 Mar 16 - 02:08 PM (#3779256)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Such a wonderful, erudite and witty comment from our "Guest"








Now bugger off and let the big boys play.

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16 Mar 16 - 02:33 PM (#3779262)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Er, Raggytash, he's the leader of the opposition, actually...

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16 Mar 16 - 03:10 PM (#3779267)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

I refer back to the honourable gentleman's mention of unnamed guests.

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16 Mar 16 - 05:33 PM (#3779306)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

It's all right, Raggytash. Equating anyone with Cameron, the leader the opposition with a penchant for sticking his mini-chipolata in the buccal cavities of dead porkers, is the ultimate insult. He is a sad little man, though, isn't he, this guest. Fancy spending time on the web searching for suitable pictures of dog turds. What a life he doesn't have.

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16 Mar 16 - 05:46 PM (#3779310)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

I'd be concerned for MGM's welfare if Shaw were to wield any political power.

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16 Mar 16 - 05:49 PM (#3779314)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

We're already concerned about your welfare. But then we're a lot nicer than you.

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16 Mar 16 - 05:51 PM (#3779316)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: The Sandman

We're already concerned about your welfare. But then we're a lot naughtier than you.

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16 Mar 16 - 06:43 PM (#3779320)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T

Ok, who is in the ruling cabinet working on pressing, internal affairs , and who is busy with private government members bills on wankel engines in the closet?

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16 Mar 16 - 07:01 PM (#3779323)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T

"Being born in a stable does not make one a horse." 
― Arthur Wellesley

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16 Mar 16 - 07:03 PM (#3779324)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

We don't rule, Ed. We officiate. And we've tried to discourage the disgusting practice you allude to by removing all the locks from the closets and leaving an 18-inch gap at the bottom of the doors. Actually, I can't claim all the credit for the latter as Theresa May started it in 2010 so that she could show off her shoes whilst defaecating. She struggled a bit as she found she could only do it by keeping her knickers at knee level, which kept busting the elastic.

Dick, we must maintain discipline. The only naughtiness I'm sanctioning is affairs with other members' wives or even with other husbands' members. Actually, I want a duck house so I'm temporarily lifting the ban on corrupt expenses claims, but make it snappy. It was all this talk of bills that put me in mind of it. How do you turn a duck into a country singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers. Ha ha, geddit?

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17 Mar 16 - 02:59 AM (#3779362)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

What is all this talk of horrible members then?

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17 Mar 16 - 03:29 AM (#3779366)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Let's see, I need a pad in Westmister for all night sittings, one near Brick Lane so I don't have to stagger too far after a meal and one down Soho so I can lead a government inquiry into the lifestyle of Betty Swollox, or Mrs Gimp Bitch as she prefers to call herself these days.

I also need a full time accountant to organise the expenses flipping between them and my constituency castle. Oh, and someone to deal with the moat latrines. (Guess who I am considering offering that post to.)

I stand more chance of passing legislation than any of the freeloaders trying to weasel their way into PM Shaw's government because I have a larger private member.

I don't have a bill though *. Of course I could get a bill, attach springs to my hands and feet and bounce around Betty Swollox's bedroom and pay for it via my car allowance. It's called the four sprung duck technique.

(After Steve's Bill Withers joke, the level needed adjusting.)



*Obviously, I have many bills and they will appear on my expenses claims.

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17 Mar 16 - 04:40 AM (#3779379)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

Groan...

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17 Mar 16 - 06:02 AM (#3779391)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Dave, if you are going to be Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster I would have expected you to be working on maximising it's income.

I realise you are likely to embezzle at least 50% but that's fine. Even on present "reported" income we'll each get £8 million apiece. However that's less than a 3% return from total assets in excess £472 million.

Even accounting for someone already taking a rake-off I'm sure you could do better.

I have some ideas about the running of the estate and I would like to see reductions in the costs of those Lancashire holdings, you can make that up by increasing rent to those holdings in Cheshire and London, especially the Savoy Estate, you can make them weep if you want.

Over to you my friend.

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17 Mar 16 - 10:46 AM (#3779425)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

"What is all this talk of horrible members then?"

Easy to spot. They're the ones located six inches below the tips of blue ties, a quarter of an inch long and covered in pig spit.

In order to retain the credibility we've already built up, I need a token woman. Can we use Swollox? How about Overseas Development, as long as we never let her home? Do we do the US?

By the way, I'm gearing up for a reshuffle. My left buttock is killing me.

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18 Mar 16 - 03:09 AM (#3779523)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Be careful with token women. Heath gave a token woman the education portfolio and look how that turned out....

You can have a reshuffle whilst at the dispatch box, or pocket billiards as it's known. The late Cecil Parkinson (died just after Bowie and provided the soundtrack to Cameron's youth) told a story of when he returned to the front bench after being in purdah for having a kid with his secretary, he was talkin with his hand in his pocket. Dennis Skinner's voice floated across the house "stop playing with yourself." His speech was ruined because he started stuttering. The reason being the moral dilemma of if he keeps his hand in his pocket everyone would think he was playing with himself. If he took it out as per the order, it was proof he had been playing with himself.

This politics lark. Seems rather difficult. Shouldn't we stick to forming a religion? Far easier, no skill involved just gullible fodder and oh.. Yeah, I forgot. More dangerous than governments....

---

18 Mar 16 - 03:31 AM (#3779526)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

mumble and fumble

---

18 Mar 16 - 07:39 AM (#3779556)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

"This politics lark. Seems rather difficult. Shouldn't we stick to forming a religion? Far easier, no skill involved just gullible fodder and oh.. Yeah, I forgot. More dangerous than governments...."

We could combine the two. I could declare myself Divine Leader, a walking saint, just like that Kim Zu Jim Up Fuk Sik Ill bloke in North Korea, whatever his name is. Looking at him, I reckon it would entitle me to pies without limit. I could stuff the Lords with unqualified people wearing funny clothes who could talk bollocks and pretend that they never said what they said and that there's no evidence for religion, or is there, and who needs it anyway because there's a unifying summat or other which radiates deeper truths (we can hide those, no worries, wouldn't want them getting out). Yeah, that's what we need a lot more of. Just think of the corruption and graft that News At Ten wouldn't have time to pin on us because they were having to report all that guff! Genius! Any volunteers? Keith...?

Do they have Doom Bar in North Korea, and would I have to give my lads girlie names like Kim?

---

18 Mar 16 - 07:55 AM (#3779560)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Interesting thought. Kim Ju Boll uck has a meaningful way with anti-aircraft fire doesn't he. Could solve a few difficulties.

---

18 Mar 16 - 07:58 AM (#3779561)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

They have the bar of doom. It's where senior aides have their last drink before being executed. Didn't I read he was so pissed off with one military leader he strapped him in a field and had a rocket launcher take aim?

Bloody Cameron daren't even demote Hunt......

The only thing radiating in North Korea is the leak at the nuclear research plant....

---

18 Mar 16 - 08:53 AM (#3779566)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

I wouldn't necessarily want Jong Yuk Ill Kim Sik Fuk on board, but I concede that I may have to have a summit meeting with him, just to pick up a wrinkle or two about his highly successful public persona. I mean, Jaysus, have you ever seen anyone in those videos NOT applauding him?! It's a bit flat round here though, no hills with tops worth calling summits, and we would quite like to be seen. Que faire, as they say in Turkey...

Is North Korea anywhere near Cornwall? I will NOT go Easyjet...

---

18 Mar 16 - 10:11 AM (#3779583)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

I think I might have to issue an edict banning confusing names such as Kim, Lesley, Frances, Sam, Bobby, Jordan, Vivian, Hilary, etc. And that bloody Paul Temple can stop calling his missus "Steve" right now. Ridiculous. And what on earth were Carlo Maria Giulini's mum and dad thinking of! Poor lad, no wonder he took to the baton in order to assert himself! I'm minded to set up a department to deal with this. Or a quango (as soon as I find out what one is). You need not apply to be in charge if your name is Alex, Frankie, Pat or Mel.

And what kind of a name is "Rudyard" anyway? Were they having a laugh or what?

---

18 Mar 16 - 10:29 AM (#3779587)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,A reliable news source

oh my god, have you heard rumours of the PM Steve Shaw scandal story The Mail will be running with all next week !!!

and we thought Cameron's pork love was sordid enough.

---

18 Mar 16 - 10:44 AM (#3779592)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

There's always one, isn't there?

---

18 Mar 16 - 10:56 AM (#3779594)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion

'what kind of a name is "Rudyard" anyway? Were they having a laugh or what?'
.,,.
He was actually called Joseph Rudyard Kipling, and used Rudyard professionally, presumably as being more distinctive. I expect it was a family name from somewhere back one side or the other [like my Grosvenor] — often given as a middle name, & can be used professionally: I adopted mine into my byline when I started reviewing for The Times & The Guardian back in the 1960s to avoid confusion with Michael Meyer, well-known as translator of and authority on Scandinavian playwrights Ibsen & Strindberg.

≈M≈

---

18 Mar 16 - 11:25 AM (#3779596)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

You altered your name to not be confused with a translator???? I changed mine so as not to be confused with a blunderbuss. Mind you, you managed to translate the first word of the Latin I wrote for you.... If you don't know whether you are the translator or the rather odd narcissist on Mudcat, you can always get n... You know the rest.

Of course, under Rt On Steve's rule, I expect to be the power behind the throne, His Grace The Rt Hon Lord Musket of Barking Maddenham, Earl of The People's Republic of South Yorkshire, governor of the colonies and oh, I'll have that island over there to build my pad on.

---

18 Mar 16 - 12:51 PM (#3779620)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: The Sandman

Steve Shaw has got to be better than most politicians with the exception of Corbyn

---

18 Mar 16 - 01:08 PM (#3779623)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

that's why The Mail and the rest of the Tory press are out to get him !!!

---

18 Mar 16 - 01:58 PM (#3779627)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,skunky

Why give Shaw the easy one (sorry Mrs Shaw)?

Why let him first take one of the easier "ruler" jobs?

Why not let him first start, as an apprentice, as PM in one if the worst governed world countries (puck one)? If he does well, using his stellar people and governing skills and judgement, then let him work his way up to the UK?

---

18 Mar 16 - 03:32 PM (#3779644)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

Steve Shaw for Prime Minister

Holy fuck someone has a morbid sense of humor. Guaranteed he's not Jewish.

---

18 Mar 16 - 04:07 PM (#3779650)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Fortunately for people living in the UK being Jewish does not preclude one from being Prime Minister. Benjamin Disraeli has been there, done that, got the T shirt.

Hopefully one day we will get a Prime Minister who will ensure such views are educated out of our country.

One can live in hope.

---

18 Mar 16 - 04:34 PM (#3779656)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

My next edict concerns the banning of Guests, on the grounds that this great nation of which I'm the Premier does not need unfunny, bitter, cowardly little ne'er-do-wells like them. I'm just waiting for Max to resign, then I'm in. Let's muscle up, guys and guyesses. Excelsior! Adelante!

---

18 Mar 16 - 04:46 PM (#3779658)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: keberoxu

Rudyard Lake is the location of the first meeting of Kipling's parents, so they honored the location in naming him.

---

18 Mar 16 - 04:53 PM (#3779659)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Ah, like Brooklyn Beckham then. :-)

---

18 Mar 16 - 05:11 PM (#3779663)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion

--"The village of Rudyard [Staffordshire] was named after Ralph Rudyard, a local man reputed to have killed Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth Field. Rudyard Lake was constructed by the engineer John Rennie, for the Trent and Mersey Canal company in 1797–98 to feed the Caldon Canal...
Visitors included John Lockwood Kipling and Alice Macdonald, the parents of Rudyard Kipling, who met there on a trip from Burslem. They liked the place so much they named their son after it" - Wikipedia--
.,,.

Well well: you learn something new every day. Many thanks, keberoxu.
So it wasn't a family name, as I speculated, but a bit of sentimental family memorabilia. But my point that he probably adopted it professionally as being more distinguished and arresting than his first name, by which they would probably have meant him to be known, still stands.

≈M≈

≈M≈

---

18 Mar 16 - 05:35 PM (#3779667)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

"Steve Shaw has got to be better than most politicians with the exception of Corbyn"

Ah yes, I'll buy that, Dick. Kudos to the mighty Jezza (by which I don't mean Paxo or yer Session-man Jezza, Gawd bless 'im, even if you don't). The world in general may not have noticed, but the in-crowd hereabouts will note that my first major coup has been to drive Iain Duncan-Irritable Bowel Syndrome Smith, aka little Goebbels, out of office. Next target, Bozza! Adelante! Excelsior!

---

18 Mar 16 - 05:42 PM (#3779669)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

"Steve Shaw has got to be better than most politicians with the exception of Corbyn"

With the exception of Corbyn you say.....hmm, I'd say he has too much in common with Corbyn and his sycophants.

---

18 Mar 16 - 07:23 PM (#3779690)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

What a bitter little fellow. Are you Osborne by any chance? Farrago? Bibi? :-)

---

18 Mar 16 - 07:33 PM (#3779693)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Incidentally, chaps (and Betty), I've invited Jurgen Klopp to be cabinet enforcer. Obviously there will be no objections to that. By which I mean I'm telling you not that I'm not EXPECTING that there will be objections, but that there will BE no objections. This is a democracy, this party, and don't you forget it. One man, one vote. I am that one man.

Incidentally, what party is it? I haven't been told yet...

---

18 Mar 16 - 08:18 PM (#3779697)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

The Swingers Kinky Sex Party ?

---

18 Mar 16 - 11:59 PM (#3779706)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Klamath

Wag Beards

---

19 Mar 16 - 02:09 AM (#3779716)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Ah so it was Rudyard after he was conceived at the lake? Just like, as Steve notes, Brooklyn Beckham. I was talking only yesterday to my son, our Behind the Fire Escape at the Back of The Frog and Nightgown.

The party name?

The Party of Deluded Anfield Aficianado and Associated Realists?

The Betty Swollox on my Bucket List Party?

The Young, Sophisticated Musket and a few Old Gits Party?

Is there any contradiction or issue in believing our manifesto and believing in it?

---

19 Mar 16 - 02:57 AM (#3779724)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T

The Punctiliously Fhearted Party

---

19 Mar 16 - 03:03 AM (#3779725)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

The Thorny Peashooter Party

---

19 Mar 16 - 03:06 AM (#3779726)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T

Oops, last guest twer moi.
The Pricks and Goose Grass Party

---

19 Mar 16 - 05:02 AM (#3779742)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

My lad (Back Seat Of MkII Cortina, Nick o' Pendle Car Park, "Mark" for short) suggests that we could do with a pithier name than any of those. A single word even.


So I've coined one. Are you ready? Here it is....


Shawnkly.


Genius, eh? Combining pithiness with two noble notions. Is it a wrap or not?

---

19 Mar 16 - 05:05 AM (#3779744)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Damn. That was me that last one. My iPhone won't let me log in (this is my iPad). Send me my password, Joe, and I'll make you a junior minister...

---

19 Mar 16 - 05:42 AM (#3779745)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

Pithoff
(not;)
But, then it's your birthday party:)

---

19 Mar 16 - 05:59 AM (#3779750)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T

Well, I was talking with Dick Tator at the pub last night.

He suggested one, that I assured him would never get accepted by the branding committee.

Here goes anyway, it was " The Tatertots"

---

19 Mar 16 - 07:01 AM (#3779759)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: TheSnail

From the list of threads at the moment -

Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
Trump II- The Horror Continues

---

19 Mar 16 - 09:12 AM (#3779779)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

From the list of posters

Goofus
Professor
The snail

---

19 Mar 16 - 09:26 AM (#3779786)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Oh, The Snail's OK. Well at least until my next education edict, which is that every classroom must have a large poster of Darwin and Dawkins declaring EVOLUTION IS TRUE. Heheh.

---

19 Mar 16 - 08:02 PM (#3779895)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: TheSnail

Steve, I trust you realise that, as Prime Minister, it is part of your job to advise the Queen on the appointment of bishops. Given time you should be able to convert the Church of England into the Church of Evolution dedicated to the unquestioning belief in the Truth of Evolution.

---

19 Mar 16 - 08:58 PM (#3779901)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Dearie me, Snail, in science nothing is to go unquestioned, and belief plays no part. As you well know, evolution is a real phenomenon that can never be gainsaid. Naturally, the theory thereof, our best shot at explaining it, is vulnerable to all attacks and rightly so. As for appointing people to bishop pricks, well I'm thinking of making the application process open to all so that theists need not feel excluded.

---

20 Mar 16 - 03:16 AM (#3779921)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Right. The Snail can be first up against the wall. Anyone who can't spell Brian hasn't sufficiently evolved to be part of any future I have my sticky hands in the till of.

As Steve struck a deal with me in a fish restaurant in Scotland regarding timetable of handover of power to me... My first edict once ensconced in No.10 and having ripped out the sound proofing Special Branch put in to deal with his gob irons.... Is to disenfranchise The Church of England. Disestablishmentarianism is something I always wanted to do. I bought all the books on how to do it.

After all, only HM Liz and a couple of percent of people are practicing Christians, so if we are to have a state religion (other than Sheffield Wednesday, obviously) it may as well be Islam because more people in the country observe its demands on their time.

Oh, and ban God bothering lyrics set to Neil Young songs. AND those bloody glove puppets they use to indoctrinate children. Whilst I'm at it, we can turn churches into folk club venues. Folkies care about tradition far more than Clappy happys do. You'll not catch us insisting Child meant murder when he wrote kill in the ballads.

---

20 Mar 16 - 04:52 AM (#3779936)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

Party name. Hmmmmm. Tuppaware? Anne Summers? How about the anarchist reformed socialist evolutionary party? ARSE party for short. Instead of whips they can have whipes. The proclamations made could be Shaw influenced treatment schemes (SHITS). His main policy could be free all retired teachers (FART). The possibilities are endless!

:D tG

---

20 Mar 16 - 05:00 AM (#3779938)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Of course, our co Messiah with Gnomish Attributes is in charge of spiritual matters. My preference tends to be Irish malts as they don't burn so much as they go down, although a smokey Islay with a drop of Severn Trent does the trick too.

---

20 Mar 16 - 06:56 AM (#3779954)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: TheSnail

Jan, I'm perfectly capable of spelling Brian, it just isn't my name.

AND those bloody glove puppets they use to indoctrinate children.

Do you mean this sort of thing?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F08iw9kfXXY

---

20 Mar 16 - 07:09 AM (#3779957)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

So you mean it's Sooty's fault I'm knocking up a chevaux chasseau tonight?

Isn't it today that Jesus rides into town atop a Taste The Difference multipack?

---

20 Mar 16 - 07:13 AM (#3779961)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Ann Summers? Whips?? Mmmmm...

Stoppit, you're making me sound like a Tory grandee organising a sex party. Can we dress up?

Stop pretending, Musket. You know damn well it was only a mobile fish and chip van just down from Lidls in Falkirk. And you can't prove anything because I've hacked your Blackberry and deleted all your voice recordings. On the other hand I still have that video of you setting fire to a fart. If you want the job you'll have to wait until I'm ousted by a shock resignation and verbal knifing in the back.

---

20 Mar 16 - 08:29 AM (#3779971)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Bastard! You told me it was a Loch Fynne chain restaurant with ironic decor!!! 😡

That video.. Send it The BBC. Nobody has scorched a whitewashed wall with a perfect Tudor rose like I did. It'll only increase my vote and in case you hadn't noticed you need my votes to get a majority.

You're my bitch now, and don't ever forget it.

---

20 Mar 16 - 09:20 AM (#3779976)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,#

"Steve Shaw for Prime Minister"

Good idea.

---

22 Mar 16 - 04:56 AM (#3780270)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

I'm a little disappointed in that I had expected an announcement from the prospective PM as to the people appointed to cabinet positions. I had even hoped that some of our regular homophobic contributors may have been prised out of their closets (yes we know you will deny it)by the swift action of the prospective PM.

---

22 Mar 16 - 05:18 AM (#3780274)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

If they go in the cabinet does that mean they have to come out of the closet?

:D (tG)

---

22 Mar 16 - 06:00 AM (#3780291)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Most decisions are made in water closet meetings in any government, council, a women's' Institute or regional board of pigeon fanciers.

---

22 Mar 16 - 07:22 AM (#3780335)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

I told you, I'm having my cabinet mended. Does anyone know someone who can make proper joints?





...pfr?   :-)

---

22 Mar 16 - 07:43 AM (#3780345)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Looks like you have a stalker today Steve. Be gentle with them.











Or not as the case may be.

---

22 Mar 16 - 08:02 AM (#3780353)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker

nah.. not me guv... last time I ever rolled one was for an Eastenders actress in the back of a car en route to her boyfriends gig circa 1989...

Me.. I packed up smoking anything long before that... 😇

---

22 Mar 16 - 09:18 AM (#3780373)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,#

"Does anyone know someone who can make proper joints?"

Ahem . . . Start with ZigZag papers.

---

22 Mar 16 - 09:22 AM (#3780374)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

I know a butcher, could he help?

---

22 Mar 16 - 09:31 AM (#3780375)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

Is it Pat Butcher? She was in Eastenders wasn't she? Maybe it was who PFR was referring (reeferring?) to?

---

22 Mar 16 - 09:38 AM (#3780376)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker

If I do have a minor role in PM Shaw's cabinet,
these are the sorts of rumours our equivalent of the Stasi will need to keep quiet by any necessary methods...

..and it wasn't Dot Cotton either...

---

22 Mar 16 - 10:16 AM (#3780381)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

"Looks like you have a stalker today Steve. Be gentle with them."

Well, below-the-line can often resemble a bear pit, but when it gets to be a cesspit, as it did for a couple of hours this morning, it's best to stay away for a while. Well done to the mods for stepping in promptly.

---

22 Mar 16 - 10:35 AM (#3780383)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

Well, you are talking about mods and it is March. Prepare to make your ears bleed.

March of the Mods

Some nice piccies though

DtG (Ex Lambretta GT200 owner. I can send you an incriminating picture to prove it if that gets me in the cabinet quicker...)

---

22 Mar 16 - 10:37 AM (#3780385)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

but when it gets to be a cesspit,

You seemed to enjoy wallowing in it though.

---

22 Mar 16 - 10:54 AM (#3780390)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

I already told you, Dave, you're the Minister for Bingo and Other Arts.

My cabinet makeup will be a broad church. I haven't a clue what that means but I thought it might keep pete and Joe happy. After all. I am a one-nation PM. Well, two if you're counting Britain as well as Cornwall. I've set up an in-out referendum for Yorkshire, by the way. The vote was yesterday but I forgot to tell you. Yorkshire are out. Boycott and Parky have already had their visas cancelled. I hope this demonstrates both my dynamism and my decisiveness.

Has Yorkshire got any oil?

---

22 Mar 16 - 11:10 AM (#3780392)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

I can cope with bingo and other arse. Sounds just up my street. Can the broad church bit encompass bingo halls named Mecca? Or is that a click-ety click too far? Or is it Broadchuch with that Scot's bloke, who pretends to be English, pretending to be a policeman instead of a doctor? Miserable TV show that was...

Still, thanks for the offer but I now seem to be in some sort of exile where we have to sing the national anthem of 'On Ilkla' moor bah't 'at' and toast King Seen Been (or is it Shorn Born?) with pints of Taylor's Landlord every morning.

Will I still be able to get a work permit or are you now going to pander to popular opinion by closing borders, insisting we learn to speak Cornish and banning ownership of them little yappy Yorkshire terrorists?

---

22 Mar 16 - 11:12 AM (#3780393)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

No oil Steve but I often perceive a lot of wind.

---

22 Mar 16 - 11:23 AM (#3780397)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

No oil? Good, correct referendum outcome then. We won't have to invade. I'm a fair man, Dave, so I'm afraid you'll have to be subjected to my new immigration points system. You could always seek asylum. There used to be a good one in Prestwich but it's Besses Tesco now, dammit. You'll get the points you need if you can find those two bingo balls you lost in that car park, clickety-click and two fat ladies. Actually, I need a mayor for Darcy Lever. Any takers?

---

22 Mar 16 - 11:29 AM (#3780399)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Ahem... Mandleson calling Blair...

Yorkshire may or may not have oil (a chippy I know in Doncaster uses dripping) but let's not forget the holiest of holy shrines is there, hence the epicentre of our empire?

Dave. Bugger March of the Mods. Further down the screen is The Sparks.

---

22 Mar 16 - 11:34 AM (#3780403)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

Darcy lever? Is that that ballet dancing bird on 'Strictly'? Or is mentioning strictly getting too close to whips and Anne Summers again? Bloomin' complicated this diplomacy malarkey init?

My Grandad used to tell me he used to tell me the inmates at Prestwich were not as daft as people thought. He once watched a couple of blokes, one pushing an upside-down wheelbarrow and the other pulling a piece of string. When he asked the first one why his barrow was upside down he was told that if it was the right way round, people would put things in it. On enquiring why the second was pulling the string, the chap pulling it just asked Grandad if he had ever tried pushing one.

Anyway, 22 and 88 were not on the photocopied bingo card Musket gave me so I never saw the need to find my balls...

---

22 Mar 16 - 11:44 AM (#3780406)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Eventually Musket's den, No.10

If you can't speak the lingo, don't play the bingo.

(Two little ducks, confit du canard. Trying out a new French bistro tonight.)

---

22 Mar 16 - 11:54 AM (#3780411)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Steve, As leader you will no doubt be considering who to wage war on first. Can I suggest that you conduct two pre-emptive strikes. The first should be directed at Elland Road, the second at Hillsborough. Both these areas are full of subversives and eliminating them first will make the later deployment of the Free Lancastrian Army a tad easier.

---

22 Mar 16 - 12:26 PM (#3780419)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Bring it on.

They are all shandy drinkers to a man.

---

22 Mar 16 - 12:34 PM (#3780420)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Mind you, you can save your bang bangs. Elland Rd isn't worth bombing. That's why pigeons fly upside down around those parts. Not worth shitting on either.

Hillsborough can defend itself. In the final analysis, your soldiers will prostrate themselves and beg forgiveness for thinking about such heresy.

---

22 Mar 16 - 12:42 PM (#3780423)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Steve, what is your view or policy mandate on making it compulsory that all secretaries under the age of 35 wear stockings and garter belts to the office and flash at us guys.

---

22 Mar 16 - 12:44 PM (#3780424)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Hillsborough defend that's a laugh, even Hull have conceded few goals than Hillsborough, so sat naught of Burnley and Preston.

Steve, add Hull and Middlesbrough to the pre-emptive strikes whilst you're at it. Come to think of it Scarborough is a shit hole add that as well.

---

22 Mar 16 - 12:52 PM (#3780429)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Good point about waging war. In the true spirit of 1984, we need permanent enemies to demonise. The trouble with my two-state solution, Cornwall and Yorkshire (three if you count Britain) is that they're not really distant enough from each other. I had considered getting Denmark to invade the Isle of Man so that we could wage bogus hostilities against them (bogus equals cheap, and we need money for expenses claims. I'm no fool, you know). But then I thought, what's the bloody point, let Denmark keep it anyway. Yeah, this war business is a work in progress. I've got Teribus in tomorrow morning to give me the accurate lowdown on how we did it so well in the past. I'll let you know how we got on. If I get out alive.

---

22 Mar 16 - 12:58 PM (#3780431)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

"Steve, what is your view or policy mandate on making it compulsory that all secretaries under the age of 35 wear stockings and garter belts to the office and flash at us guys."

I've got a couple of defecting Tory lords to run a sex party for me at the weekend. They take a very broad view of dressing up, so I'll be there "taking notes." It runs from Friday to Monday non-stop so efforts to contact me at the weekend will be met with an out-of-office message. Some poor bugger's got to do it, you know.

Anyone lend me some Nazi memorabilia? Bloody royals have flogged theirs on eBay. Tsk.

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22 Mar 16 - 01:10 PM (#3780437)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

We will, of course, have to deal with the issues of economic and humanitarian migrants. Now we are supposed to have a housing shortage but we also have approx. 635,000 empty house. So if we train the incoming people in various trades in the building industry they can revamp the empty houses. I also suggest the development of two new towns to help house these people in an integrated fashion. I would suggest one new town should be sited near London, say Hertford. The other should appeal to those who prefer a more scenic location I would suggest the west coast of Argyle. Government departments could be relocated to these new towns, for starters I would suggest the Dept of Work and Pensions and Revenue and Customs, together with the Dept of Culture, Media and Sports.

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22 Mar 16 - 01:14 PM (#3780439)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

The only culture in Argyll is growing behind the cooker.

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22 Mar 16 - 02:06 PM (#3780447)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

Well, with my track record I could be the next chancellor. I can easily turn 66 into 22. Anyone for bingo?

All the sevens, 49
Six and four, 10
Heinz varieties, 2 (Well only beans and tomato soup worth mentioning)

So, how about chancellor of bingo and minister without alphabetti spaghetti?

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22 Mar 16 - 02:07 PM (#3780449)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST

Under a Manx PM Shaw, you won't need tail to be happy:

Manx 


You coud steal the Isle of Man flag, make it your own, and get one if their Manx rabbit/cats

the extra leg 

I guess you could retro-fit acouple of 50 calibers on tne rear of one of these?

The shaw tank conversion 

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22 Mar 16 - 02:08 PM (#3780450)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T

Last Manx message was me.

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23 Mar 16 - 04:54 PM (#3780709)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

C'mon Right Hon. S. Shaw. PM. Let's get this show on the road. We need urgent legislation about WooHoos, tomatoes (Heinz, tinned) and asses. There seem to be riots going on outside the twinned countries of Cornwall and Yorkshire. The natives are off their rockers and the mods are putting the boot in wherever they can. It's like bleedin' Brighton all over again.

Besides, the thread needed refreshing.

:D tG (Minister for bingo and arse)

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23 Mar 16 - 07:39 PM (#3780744)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket

Or ass 🐴

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24 Mar 16 - 04:44 AM (#3780782)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Musket

Mind you, Steve didn't acquit himself too well on Andrew Marr the other day, did he? It's one thing to have bastards in your cabinet, it's another to get a powder puff on your face, eyeliner for the close ups and tell BBC ruddy one all about us.. err... Them.

It's alright having him as a leader to shake up politics but the nation will never fall for his Cornish Lancastrianism. They want a stable middle of the road PM, not some silly sod with principles. (OK, the Anfield delusion isn't terribly principled unless you are of scouse paternal genitals, which The Guardian says he isn't.)

The problem is Dave, the electorate will never fall for Heinz tinned tomatoes whilstever Sainsburys own brand are cheaper, taste the same and come in stackable tetrapak. It's all '70s dogma revisited and people have moved on, become more sophisticated like, and some have learned their vocabulary from imported z list US soap opera. I mean, just because Gillian Whassername was born here doesn't mean X Files needs to be on at prime time. Stan Laurel was too, but you shouldn't see my point.

Instead of planning the Shawist years, we need to be planning the long term Musketite period of history yet to be written.

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24 Mar 16 - 05:00 AM (#3780789)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Therein lies the dilemma, which Musket. There are three to my knowledge and I, for one, have had more than enough of "holy" trinities. No Musket as PM doesn't work for me.

Having said that Mr Shaw is perhaps taking too long a recess. Hopefully he's not sailing round Lundy drinking Champagne with semi-naked females draped in Liverpools colours around the deck, not without taking me along. I could pretend they were Manchester United colours.


PS Can I bring me fishing rod.

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24 Mar 16 - 05:22 AM (#3780797)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Musket

You can PM Musket! This one logged in for that very purpose! (Backwoodsman mentioned on a thread that he had pm'd me and I am getting worried as to whether UN will have to airlift people out of Lincolnshire. They have closed the border at Gainsborough you know.. )

Be careful what colour you drape them in Raggy. Yachts can drift off course too.

It was on Gibralta's Rock so fair!
I saw a maiden lying there.
And then I saw to my despair,
She had the red flag flying there.

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25 Mar 16 - 05:03 AM (#3781024)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Musket

So.. That's it then. No posts in ages.

SDP all over again.

Get a few people excited about a brave new world then fail to come up with the goods.

Sorry, co messiah, you've let the country down, you've let your acolytes down, you've let Cornwall down and you've let yourself down. (Liverpool FC are adept at letting themselves down.)

Back to the 1.2 party state.

I'm off to write my memoirs and get Murdoch to serialise them. I'll miss out the bit regarding when his new wife got drunk just after she dumped Mick but I obviously had more to drink than her...

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25 Mar 16 - 07:59 AM (#3781055)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: DMcG

Well, with my track record I could be the next chancellor. I can easily turn 66 into 22. Anyone for bingo?

All the sevens, 49

I've always fancied the idea of calling bingo in octal, or similar: All the sevens, 63.

(Is it too late to complain I haven't a post in this government? I'll have to form an opposition on my own.)

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25 Mar 16 - 08:08 AM (#3781056)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

I think that Steve may be in negotiations with the "gang of three".

I'm sure you will appreciate these may be turgid, bombastic and are likely to be longwinded.

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25 Mar 16 - 10:16 AM (#3781097)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

I haven't posted because I've been helping to organise the Tory sex party I told you about and attending a series of Cobra meetings. Watching that bloke with a nappy on that I hired getting the cobra to come out of that basket was fun. Unfortunately some miserable git who said he was "from intelligence" had no bloody sense of humour about it whatsoever. The whole idea of me being the gaffer was supposed to be that no-one I recruited should be more intelligent than me. Anyway, I did find out that I have a helicopter on standby to whisk me away from any trouble. Now that I know that I can set up that meeting with Teribus.

DMcG, how's your spin-doctoring?

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25 Mar 16 - 01:00 PM (#3781147)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Musket

Aye, they all start lurching to the right eventually.

Are you sure there's room for a meeting on his armchair?

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25 Mar 16 - 03:13 PM (#3781175)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Is there room in his armchair .............. is there much room in his armchair ........... is there mushroom in his armchair ??

Brilliant Musket, feed the bugger mushrooms (those red ones with sesame seeds on top) end of problem.

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25 Mar 16 - 03:43 PM (#3781182)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Dammit, the sex party has been raided, before I even got there. I was only late because the fancy dress shop had run out of Nazi regalia, something or other about a couple of princes hiring the whole lot. And I was NOT going as a chambermaid (all they had left), not with those sex-starved Tory peers. Still, lucky me, at least I'm still clean.

I wonder if Mandelson is still available...

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25 Mar 16 - 05:10 PM (#3781212)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

Nelson Mandleson? That spin doctor bloke with really bright shirts?

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26 Mar 16 - 01:13 PM (#3781458)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Nah, George Osborne's yachting companion. I was going to ask ask him about austerity, but then I realised that Cornwall is more sheepterity. Going back to that Cobra meeting, I asked that alleged intelligence bloke where my chopper was located.

What the hell were they all laughing at?? Twots!

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26 Mar 16 - 01:19 PM (#3781464)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Raggytash

Don't care for snakes myself.

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26 Mar 16 - 01:22 PM (#3781467)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome

You need to debrief them to find out what they were laughing at. Probe those bums!

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26 Mar 16 - 01:29 PM (#3781472)
Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw

Ah, I get it now...cobra...snakes...chopper...one-eyed trouser snake...Jaysus, I'm quick!

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