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BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

31 Dec 18 - 05:04 AM (#3968983)
Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

April 1st

31 Dec 18 - 05:17 AM (#3968986)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Two miners getting on in years made a life-long habit of going for a drink together every Sunday morning.
One Sunday one knocked on his mate's door to accompany him down to the local
"Is Fred ready yet?" he asked when his mate's wife came to the door
I'm afraid I have some bad news", she replied, "He was in the garden last night pulling a head of cabbage for today's dinner when he had a heart attack and died"
"Jaysus missus Jones, that's awful, what will you do now ?"
"I'll have to open a tin of peas, I suppose"
Jim Carroll

31 Dec 18 - 11:59 PM (#3969176)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Andrez

One of the winners in a Cliché Competition seen in the the Daily Telegraph of London some years ago was:

"I hear what you're saying but, with all due respect, it's not exactly rocket science. Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is you have got to be able to tick all the boxes. It's not the end of the world as such but, to be perfectly honest with you, when push comes to shove, you don't want to be literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Going forward we all need to be on the same page and singing from the same song-sheet even if we can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take the rough with the smooth before proceeding onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said and done, this is all part and parcel of the ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean)".

Sounds a bit like all the Brexit hoo haa and palaver we hear coming from Pollies in the media these days!

Cheers,

Andrez

01 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM (#3969179)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?

01 Jan 19 - 04:30 AM (#3969187)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

"Look, my name is Joseph of Nazareth. You've given me a box with some straw in it. I asked to speak to the MANAGER!"

01 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM (#3969189)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

"Yes, it's a Yuletide log. I'll flush the toilet again in a minute."

Well, I've plucked the duck and covered it in grease. But now we need to leave the park."

(I get these from Mock The Week, which always has me in stitches)

01 Jan 19 - 06:05 PM (#3969296)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio"
A log with a face at one end, and presents inside. Kids have to beat it with sticks while singing a special song.

Literal translation is "shit log". I had to ask when I was there - didn't I?

02 Jan 19 - 04:02 AM (#3969330)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

"What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?"
What.... driving me mad ?

What's brown and sounds like a bell
DUNG
Jim Carroll

02 Jan 19 - 04:09 AM (#3969332)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

TROMBONES


Wha, Wha, Wha, Whaaaaaaaaaaaa.

02 Jan 19 - 04:41 AM (#3969337)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

That's a relief - thanks

A climber in the Swiss alps is hastily making his way down the foothills before the winter sets in when he falls and breaks his ankle and is rescued by a mountain shepherd
As it's too far from civilisation to get help, the shepherd takes him home, where he and his wife and daughter dress his ankle, feed him and give him a bed or the winter
Not having a radio or TV, they sing songs, tell stories, play games and keep him entertained throughout the winter until the snows begin to melt the following spring; they make a special effort to teach him their local tradition of yodeling

Come the spring, the farmer goes out daily to see how far he can get down he mountain while the climber and the wife and daughter wait at home for the news - the ankle is all but healed by this time
One day the farmer returns to find the climber in bed with his daughter
The climber flees, pulling up his trousers and the farmer begins to chase him down the mountainside shouting: "I took you in, healed you, fed you, gave you a bed and entertained you right through the winter - I even taught you how to yodel - and how do you repay me - you seduce my young daughter".
"And your old lay-ee-dee" sang back the climber
Jim Carroll

02 Jan 19 - 05:22 AM (#3969343)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahahaaaaaaaaagh!!!! These are making me die!!!!! :)

Oh please do some more you lot!!!

02 Jan 19 - 06:05 AM (#3969348)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Hi Sen' Happy New YEAR

"the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio""
THIS ALWAY MAKES ME SMILE THIS TIME OF YEAR
Jim

02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM (#3969351)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Happy New Year to you too Jim!
I've been to Barcelona quite a lot (years ago) and always giggled at the caganer.
I want that Trump one!!

02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM (#3969352)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos

They're not very good likenesses, are they?
The only one I recognised immediately was the Star Wars storm trooper (and I've never seen Star Wars; until recently I thought a light sabre was a 'light saver' - very ecological).

02 Jan 19 - 06:58 AM (#3969356)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

I went to the doctors the other day and told him I could not stop singing "The green, green grass of home"

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome.

I asked if that was rare.

He replied "It's not unusual"

02 Jan 19 - 07:05 AM (#3969357)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Not moving too far from this fundamental theme:
I discovered a new word from my local newsagent a couple of weeks ago
He is a native of Kilkee, a resort on the southern coast of this county, Clare, which was once the Summer watering-hole of the English landowners and rich farmers
Down there, they refer to tourists as 'Rookahs' - ,Rua' being a reference to 'red' (red haired') and ca, the childish word for 'shit (ca-ca)
In the big houses in Kilkee, it was the duty of the chambermaids to empty the chamber-pots over the cliffs into the sea
As only the wealthy in those days were the only ones who could afford red meat, the contents of the chamber-pots were invariably red in colour, so the tourists became known as 'rookahs' Red shits'
Bon appetít
Jim

02 Jan 19 - 07:12 AM (#3969358)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A man goes to the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor told him that, while embarrassing, it wasn't really serious
"This is a little different" said the man, "listen"
He bent over and let of an enormous fart which, intead of the usual sound, came out as "hondah"
"Strange" says the doctor, "drop your trousers and I'll examine you" - he did
Straightening up, the doctor said, "not too serious, you have an abscess"   
"What difference does that make?"
"Well" replied the doctor, "you mus know the old saying - abscess makes the fart go "hondah"
Jim

02 Jan 19 - 08:04 AM (#3969365)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Gary Delaney is really very funny, even if a bit crude.

"I decided to try and improve my lovemaking technique, so I got a DVD about it. Skipped the bit about foreplay though - too boring."

"Today I had beef casserole with big dumplings. I shouldn't really call her that, but she is a big girl."

"This morning I went to my Premature Ejaculation meeting. Unfortunately it's tomorrow."

02 Jan 19 - 09:12 AM (#3969381)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

The big dumplings one reminded me of Ronnie Barker in "Porridge".

They were talking about Pan's People and he commented there was one in particular that he liked.

"Lovely Babs. Can't remember her name..."

02 Jan 19 - 09:22 AM (#3969385)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Humour was so much less inhibited then wasn't it? Before the PC lot got going.
I'd be very amused at being labelled 'Big Dumplings' or 'Lovely Babs'. I certainly wouldn't burst into tears or fan my face with my hand like today's snowflakes.

There's a food stall in Hellesdon, Norfolk which always gives me a smile. It's called 'Big Baps' Burger Bar'. (and the apostrophe is in the right place!) The lady behind the counter has certainly got both the credentials...

02 Jan 19 - 10:04 AM (#3969390)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

I think there's a little difference between PC and actually giving offence - a fine line
I remember the problems over a character on Children's radio entitled 'Big Fat Rosie' where it was thought very funny when she jumped into a swimming pool and emptied it - did a lot of damage to some children with a weight problem who were awarded the name as a taunt at school
I think that in some cases "P.C." has become the refuge for bigots to strut their stuff
Sorry - didn't meant to inject an air of seriousness into this so-far pleasant thread

My favourite anti-racist joke (though it doesn't appear to be such at first):
A West Indian Londoner is told he is dying and the doctor asked him would he donate his heart to the local hospital
He agrees on the condition that he be told the name of the recipient, to which the doctor reluctantly acquiesces   
The donor knocks on the door of the recipient and is faced with a huge skinhead - swastika tattoos, pins in nose, spiky haircut - the lot.
Looking down at him, the skinhead demands, "What the **** do you want Sambo?"
Timidly, the man says, "I've been told I'm dying and you're going to get my heart"
"Thank **** for that", said the skinhead, "I thought you were coming to live next door"

And the Irish one:
A newly arrived Irish immigrant applied for a job as a builder with a high-class building firm and was offered the job on condition that he would prove his abilities by sitting a short oral test.
He was asked, "What's the difference between a joist and a girder
He answered, The First wrote Ulysses the second wrote Faust
Jim Carroll

02 Jan 19 - 10:19 AM (#3969393)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahahaaaa Jim! Love those two!

I was nicknamed 'Skinny Lizzie' at school (I was like a skeleton) after a character in Dandy comic called Tin Lizzie. Also the 'Galloping Hairpin' after the old footballer Jim Hammond. I quite liked these names.
Here's another Gary Delaney one:

"My grief counsellor died yesterday. Fortunately he was so good, I didn't give a shit."

02 Jan 19 - 11:18 AM (#3969396)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A lady elephant was making her way through the jungle when a rotten tree fell, trapping her trunk against the ground
Try as she might, she couldn't free herself and after a while she begins to worry she might starve to death
After many hours, along comes a mouse and, seeing her plight, begins to dig frantically until, late the following day, she manages to pull herself free
Beside herself with gratitude, she thanks the mouse profusely and asks him if there's any way she can repay him
He thinks hard and finally says; "Well, as ridiculous as it may sound, I've always wanted to make love to an elephant"
She immediately agrees, and the mouse begins to make passionate love to her
He almost reaches climax when a rotten branch falls from the tree they are under, giving her a sever blow on the head
She lets out a deafening roar, and the mouse asks "Sorry, am I hurting you?"
Jim

02 Jan 19 - 01:30 PM (#3969413)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

There's a tea caravan between Camelford and Wadebridge on the A39 called Nice Baps.

02 Jan 19 - 03:17 PM (#3969429)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

is it possible make a dodgy pun out of cobs or barm cakes?

02 Jan 19 - 03:32 PM (#3969434)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Jim, I told my husband your joke about the heart transplant donor and he's still laughing!
But he also said he's very glad our village neighbours accepted him 'living next door' from the first day we arrived. He often parodies Little Britain ('only gay in the village) and has a laugh with our neighbour by saying, "I'm the only black man in the village!" with quite a credible Welsh accent.

02 Jan 19 - 10:46 PM (#3969499)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

The first black man to move into a white neighborhood was out on a Saturday morning mowing the front lawn. A neighbor happened by & asked "Hey, boy, how much do you get for mowing that lawn?" He answered, "I don't actually get paid, but the lady of the house lets me sleep with her once in a while."

03 Jan 19 - 03:47 AM (#3969511)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahahaaaagh Joe F!! That could so easily apply to us! :)

These jokes are making a dull, dark January much brighter.

03 Jan 19 - 08:34 AM (#3969548)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A joke from wartime Liverpool
During World War two, two friends ran a chip-shop on Lime Street, which was a notorious red-light district.
Due to wartime conditions, potatoes were hard to come by and expensive and fish was virtually ungettable because of U-Boat activity in the North Sea, so trade dwindled to almost nothing
On night wile closing up one of the friends said to his mate; "I think we have to rethink how we are going about things; maybe we should close this down and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", says his mate, "if we can't sell fish and chips, we're never going to be able to sell soup"
   
Sen;
Again, at the risk of spoiling a highly-enjoyable thread, can I say that you are among the lucky ones and I wish you every success in that.
I lived in areas where foreigners were not so lucky and where personal abuse, vandalism and even physical attacks were commonplace - I knew several friends who were victims
Personally, I would rather err on the side of PC than stay silent when racism and sexism in the form of humour raises their ugly heads   
They may appear harmless, but they tend to make acceptable abuse that can and often is both hurtful and harmful
Sorry 'bout that
Jim

03 Jan 19 - 08:55 AM (#3969551)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

We are very lucky indeed Jim. Been in Norfolk for over forty years now, and I do realise it's not like other more urban areas, where racism and bigotry may be found. It's a little bubble of happiness here!
Our neighbours truly love my husband and don't patronise him. They have that dry Norfolk humour which outsiders might find a bit odd. He and they can laugh together, and he can imitate the Norfolk accent, which makes them die.
There is a very fine line between humour and nastiness, and I can see that being PC is an honest attempt to minimise the latter.
It's just that I come from a past generation when the world was a very different place!

03 Jan 19 - 09:01 AM (#3969553)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Here's another rude joke from Mock The Week:

Things not heard on TV adverts:
"Tesco penis extensions. 'Cos every little helps."
and:
"Four hoof-marks and a pile of poo. It's the sign of the Black Horse..."
"Is your lovely cat annoying you by being too affectionate? Have a break, have a shit cat."

03 Jan 19 - 10:02 AM (#3969566)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A Stranger sitting in a Mexican cantina overhears two farmers discussing the recent outbreak of banditry in the area at the next table.
Suddenly one of the men asks him, "Have you ever heard of Pedro the Bandit, stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the bandit? he replies, last week I was riding in the mountains when suddenly a masked stranger jumps out in front of me holding two guns.
"Put up your hands", he says - he has two guns, I have none, I put up my hands
"Now, give me all your money" he says, what choice do I have, I give him all my money.
"Now drop your trousers" he says, I don't hesitate, I drop my trousers.
"Now shit" he says, he doesn't have to tell me twice, I'm halfway there already
"Now eat it" - I don;'t think twice, I eat it.
Suddenly the masked man drops his guard, so I grab his gun and point it at him
"Put up your hands", I say - what choice does he have - he puts up his hands
"Now give me all your money" - like a shot he gives me all his money
"Now drop your trousers" - he obeys instantly and drops his trousers.
"Now shit" I say, I don't have top tell him, he has already done so
"Now eat it" he eats it as if he hadn't had a square meal for a week.

Do I know Pedro the Bandit? - didn't I have lunch with him only last week
Jim Carroll

03 Jan 19 - 10:23 AM (#3969571)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Bleur yuk Jim!!!! Heh heh :)

That sounds like Kevin Bloody Wilson, the Australian comedian/singer. He sings 'Manuel the Bandito' and it's much the same story. (On Youtube)

My all-time favourite of his is 'Santa Claus you c***!!! Where's me f****** bike?' Very crude but makes me scream.

03 Jan 19 - 10:40 AM (#3969575)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A seminarian about to become a full pries is walking through the seminary grounds when he comes to a stile, slips and falls face down in the mud
He looks at he mud covered clothes and says "Oh shit"
He slaps his hands to his mouth and says, "Fuck, I said shit"
He thinks about whe he has said and says, "shit, I said fuck"
Then he turns round and walks away in disgust saying "Ah bollocks, I didn't want to be a priest anyway"
Jim

03 Jan 19 - 07:44 PM (#3969693)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

From that spam telephone thread:

Tommy Cooper said that he rang someone up and said "Who's speaking, please?" A voice said to him "You are." :-)

Another of his: "I went to the ticket office at the station and said, can I have a return, please? The chap said, where to? I said, Here."

Another: "I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from."

04 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM (#3969736)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Tommy Cooper again
A man called on his mate to see if he was going for a pint - his mates wife said, Frank died of a heart attack last night
The caller paused a few seconds and said, "Did he say anything about a tin of paint?"

Did you know Beethoven was so deaf the thought he was a painter?
Jim

04 Jan 19 - 11:37 AM (#3969793)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

I hate false advertising that wastes my time. Youv'e seen those Suicide Help Hotlines. They won't help you do it.

05 Jan 19 - 05:42 AM (#3969906)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

After overeating very rich food during the Christmas period, a woman is suffering with severe flatulence. She goes to the doctor's and tells him "I can't stop farting Doctor ...bbrrrpp... It's not really smelly but ...bbrrrpp...the noise is really embarrassing".
"I see" said the doctor. "I'll give you a prescription for some tablets. Take one a day and come back and see me in two weeks".

When she goes back, she tells him "Those tablets made it worse. I'm still farting as much but now they absolutely stink".
"Good!" says the doc. "Now your sense of smell has been sorted out, we can work on the flatulence".

DC

07 Jan 19 - 07:58 PM (#3970467)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

A middle-aged woman has just got out of the shower and is looking at herself naked in the full-length bedroom mirror.

"Oh my God!" she laments to her husband. "Just look at me! Sagging tits, bum like a burst bag of broad beans, bat's wings, crow's feet, everything wrinkled...I'm a total wreck! For God's sake say something good about me and cheer me up!"

"Sure!" says he. "You have perfect eyesight..."

08 Jan 19 - 05:53 PM (#3970650)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Aaaagh! That could be describing me Steve!!

This isn't a joke, but a 'things children say' which I saw in the paper:-

A lady took her three year-old grandson for some lunch in a cafe. The waitress called out her order to the cook, "One bacon and egg, and one baked bean on toast." The child shouted, " But Nanny, I want a LOT of baked beans, not just one!"
This made me smile :)

08 Jan 19 - 07:47 PM (#3970670)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tattie Bogle

Cracker jokes are usually rubbish or total groan, but this one made me and a lady in a care home laugh (we'd gone to play them some jolly pre-Christmas music!)
"What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't come back?"
"Some day my prints will come".

09 Jan 19 - 07:12 PM (#3970851)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A woman visited her doctor for a minor ailment and, while there, expressed concern about her husband's recent behavior. It seemed that when he got the urge for a snack, instead of cookies, ice cream, or whatever, he would eat three or four dog biscuits. The doctor said that, while such behavior was unusual, it probably didn't pose any real health risks since pet products are inspected. As long as he was happy eating dog biscuits, there shouldn't be any need for concern.

About six months later, the woman returned to the same doctor for another minor problem. After the visit, the doctor asked how her husband was doing.

"Oh." said the woman, "He died a couple of months ago."

"Oh no!" exclaimed the doc, "It wasn't from eating dog biscuits was it?"

"No." replied the woman, "He was just sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car ran over him."

10 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM (#3970967)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

A resident of a retirement home, bored with the quiet life and looking for a little excitment, decided to do a streak around the garden. She stripped off and headed off at a run across the lawn, waving her hands in the air and sqeauling with glee. Two gentlemen sitting on the veranda looked up from their newspapers as they heard the noise.
"Good Heavens" said the first. "Wasn't that Marjory Pensworth?"
"Yes, I believe it was" said the second.
"What on Earth was she wearing?"asked the first.
Back came the reply "I don't know but whatever it was, it needed ironing".

DC

10 Jan 19 - 06:33 PM (#3970972)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

10 Jan 19 - 06:38 PM (#3970973)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahaaaaaagh! These jokes are all excellent!:)

Q. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A. I'll tell you later.

15 Jan 19 - 09:53 AM (#3971551)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Not a joke as such, but this morning I saw that there was a day this week when lots of people went on the Tube (London Underground) with no trousers on!! It's called 'No Trousers Tube Ride' and it's now an annual event in early January.

Men and women wore only their underpants on their lower half, and ordinary clothes on the top. Nothing rude showing, but lots of photos on the internet of carriages with bare legs everywhere, and people's expressions perfectly normal and detached. So British!

I laughed and laughed - I've never seen anything so funny and quirky. Shades of Monty Python.
Just what's needed to brighten up the miserable, dreary January days!

15 Jan 19 - 02:09 PM (#3971588)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

15 Jan 19 - 07:45 PM (#3971641)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Went to see Stan & Ollie tonight at the flicks. There were plenty of gentle gags, but I liked this one near the beginning, when Stan and Ollie were bemoaning their respective divorce experiences with regard to the amount of dough they'd had to pay out. Stan sez to Ollie, "I'm not getting married any more. I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just buy her a house."

16 Jan 19 - 06:25 PM (#3971820)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

17 Jan 19 - 10:01 AM (#3971850)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Rudolph can't have been Christian. He was a communist, Rudolph the Red. Tsk.

17 Jan 19 - 10:03 AM (#3971851)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Blimey, even though I thought that was funny I'm still in the wrong thread! :-)

17 Jan 19 - 10:09 AM (#3971854)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

Did I tell you the deja vu joke before?

17 Jan 19 - 10:14 AM (#3971855)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

Rudolph Popov, weather forecaster for State TV in communist USSR was always accurate with his wet weather forecasts. After all, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.

17 Jan 19 - 11:06 AM (#3971862)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Same joke, different setting:

The famous Viking explorer, Erik the Red, had a cousin named Rudolf the Red. Rudolf often sailed on voyages with Erik, serving as lookout.

On a voyage carrying settlers from Norway to Greenland, a mass of thunderclouds built up on the horizon and it looked like the longship was going to sail directly into them unless they changed course. Erik was about to instruct the helmsman to steer to the south when Rudolf pulled Erik aside and told him not to worry, that the rain would fall a bit to the north of their present course. So, the ship maintained course and, sure enough, the storm moved to the north, leaving them totally unscathed.

After the seeming narrow escape, a female settler approached Erik and asked how he knew the storm would narrowly miss them. "Well," replied Erik, "it was actually my cousin Rudolf who made the call. I always take his advice in such matters because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

17 Jan 19 - 11:20 AM (#3971866)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

"We are going into month two of the government shutdown. I miss the good old days when at least we were governed by a mad English king"

17 Jan 19 - 11:27 AM (#3971867)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

"Republicans don't want to keep the government shut down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government, courts and FBI."

17 Jan 19 - 01:14 PM (#3971874)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

Why interrupt a perfectcly good joke thread, Donuel, with unfunny political comment?

DC

17 Jan 19 - 01:39 PM (#3971877)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: gillymor

It got so cold in Maine last week that the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed.”

17 Jan 19 - 02:03 PM (#3971878)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

'My girlfriend's dog died, and to cheer her up I got her another, identical one. She was furious. She said, "What am I going to do with TWO dead dogs?"

17 Jan 19 - 04:22 PM (#3971907)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Old lady to her friend, "Relax Helen ol Dougie did not whistle at you,
he's wheezing."

18 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM (#3971964)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

Two old chaps on the tube.

"Is this Wembley?"
"No it's Thursday."
"So am I. Lets get off and have a drink."

18 Jan 19 - 01:53 PM (#3972039)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: G-Force

I like the advert for viagra: it might not make you James Bond, but it'll make you Roger Moore.

19 Jan 19 - 12:41 PM (#3972230)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

An in the UK you can get it over the counter now.




If you buy enough......

19 Jan 19 - 01:44 PM (#3972237)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of Guinness, takes a swig, spits it out and empties it on the floor and says "piss"- he then spins on his heel and storms out
The next night he does the same, orders a Guinness, takes a swig, spits, empties o the floor, says "piss" and storms out
The third night the same man walks into the same bar
The barman, spotting him, says "piss off"
"In that case pull me a pint of bitter"
Jim Carroll

19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM (#3972242)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll

19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM (#3972243)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll

20 Jan 19 - 07:00 AM (#3972342)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

On a similar theme   
A down at heel travelling circus had one big attractions – a magnificent Mountain Gorilla who roared, thumped its chest and swung about the cage with such power, energy and charisma that people came for miles to see it strut its stuff
One morning its owner went to feed the beast and he saw it hunched down in the corner of its cage on its haunches, looking very miserable and lifeless
They tried everything to revive it – nothing worked – so they finally called in the vet who, after careful examination, declared that it desperately needed companionship, preferably of the opposite sex
Way out in the sticks, they couldn’t imaging where they should get such a companion so finally, they visited a theatrical costumiers in the nearby town, acquired a Gorilla costume and advertised locally for a volunteer to put it on and climb into the cage with the suffering animal
Eventually someone applied, but demanded a very high fee and a guarantee that he wouldn’t be hurt
A fee was agreed and he was assured that skilled staff would be on hand with nets and poles, should anything go amiss
The man climbed into the cage and sat quietly in the centre – the gorilla edged over, sniffed, shambled around, prodded curiously and slipped its arm over the man’s shoulders
Eventually, it began to stroke and fondle the man passionately and it became very, very obvious that it wished to the relationship to the next stage
The man leap up and began to shout “Take it off, take it off”
The observers standing by rushed into the cage and began to force the animal into the corner
The man said, “No, no, I meant take off the suit; I want to kiss it”
Jim Carroll

21 Jan 19 - 05:48 AM (#3972575)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: HuwG

Last Valentine's Day, I was driving home and suddenly remembered I hadn't bought my girlfriend any flowers. So I dived into the nearest garage, grabbed a bunch and tried to buy them. Arrgh! the card reader was out of order, and I had hardly any cash on me. I suggested to the assistant that I take the flowers, leaving my spare tyre as collateral, and sort matters out the next day.

It's been a Goodyear for the roses.

21 Jan 19 - 08:31 AM (#3972614)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

What's square and blue?
A banana in disguise.

23 Jan 19 - 01:01 PM (#3973112)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me …Well I am one!!! and they’re not laughing now!!!!

24 Jan 19 - 07:46 AM (#3973233)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A gambling addict who lost almost all his money on greyhounds decided to take his last few quid and lay them on one big race.
As he made his way to the booth he was accosted by a man who told him of this wonderful dog who was so fast it could out-run everything on the track - he qualified this by explaining one fault - it was used to a clockwise track and this was an anti-clockwise one, "but have no doubt it can overcome this, he's so fast"
Sure enough, the race started and at the first bend, where he was way out in front, the dog turned into the crowd rather than following the track, but immediately spun round and shortly overtook the other dogs - second bend the same, and the third.... right to the end of the race
At he finishing post the dog was a nose behind the winner due to his problem
The punter was in despair as he left the stadium and the tipster caught him up and apologised profusely.
"Not you fault", says the punter, "He's an amazing dog"
"That fault could be curd easily" he added," they could put a small piece of lead in his ear; that'd cure it"
"Wouldn't it fall out" says the tipster?
"Not if the put it in properly - they'd have to use a ****** gun"
Jim Carroll

24 Jan 19 - 09:07 AM (#3973249)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Senoufou, you reminded me of an old joke, what goes black&white, black&white, black&white, and then turns purple?

A nun falling down the stairs.

25 Jan 19 - 08:58 AM (#3973460)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahaaaaagh Mrrzy!! I like that one!

There's a funny cartoon in the paper this morning.
Some men on board a ship, wearing bandanas and big earrings. They're doing strenuous exercises.
The caption reads, "Pilates of Penzance" !

25 Jan 19 - 09:04 AM (#3973461)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos

I've got the Pilates pun and drawing on my Steve Drew calendar - I wonder if two people came up with the same idea, or someone was 'influenced'. (Unless, of course, your cartoon is by Steve Drew.)

25 Jan 19 - 09:33 AM (#3973466)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

I've just had a look Jos (It was the Daily Mail, but don't tell Steve Shaw, he'll be sick!) It says Odd Streak by Tony Lopes.

25 Jan 19 - 11:05 AM (#3973476)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos

Apologies, Steve Drew's drawing is 'Pilates of the Caribbean' - maybe it's just a case of two minds thinking [almost] alike.

25 Jan 19 - 11:21 AM (#3973482)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: DMcG

Another non-joke but "things children say". We were taking my grandson out as said we were going to a park he had been to before. He said he hadn't because he was three.

25 Jan 19 - 12:11 PM (#3973489)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Children's story

An extremely vexatious child refused to eat its meal, dismissing all the different dishes put before him
In despair, the mother finally demanded of the little horror, "Well, what DO you want ?"
"Worms" came the snapped reply.
His mother protested, but at last gave in, went into the garden and returned with a bowl-ful of worms which she carefully washed under the tap and finally set them before the fractious little brat,
He stared at them and demanded "Want them warmed up"
Reluctantly she obliged and placed them in warm water and gently heated them, finally placing them before him"
"Want some custard on them" he grunted; again she obliged and once more set the worms before him
"You taste them first", he demanded, the harassed mother protested that she would do no such thing until, once again, she finally gave in, screwed up her face, took a spoonful of worms and shoveled them down
The child let out a loud scream and burst into floods of tears.
At her wit's end, the poor mother demanded "I've given you everything you asked for, what's the matter now?"
"You've eaten the bit I wanted", the child howled in reply
Jim

26 Jan 19 - 02:56 PM (#3973590)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

What is black&white & red all over and can't turn around in the elevator?

A nun with a spear through her head.

26 Jan 19 - 03:15 PM (#3973595)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Another 'things children say' account by a real-life grandmother (letter in the paper):-

Granny had taken her little grandson out for tea and it was time to take him home. He didn't want to go home yet and kept trying to delay things.
They passed a building with a sign outside, and he piped up,
"Oh look Granny, ice creams! Can we stop there?"
"No dear, it's not an ice-cream shop, it's a care home for very old people."
"Well, we could go in and look at them couldn't we?"

27 Jan 19 - 10:11 AM (#3973696)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

I woke up in the hospital and police said they had investigated my incident. They thought the other driver had a speed reading related text accident.

I'm getting more into astronomy so I installed a sky light.
My upstairs neighbors were furious.

I got an answering machine so I programed it with a recording of a busy signal.

I lost a button hole?!

I parked my car in a tow away Zone at Twillight. When I came back the whole area was gone.

I have a switch that doesn't turn on lights or anything so I switch it back and forth to keep checking it. A woman from Sussex emailed me "cut it out!".

I've written several children's books but not on purpose. They were supposed to be Cosmology.

The FBI are investigating me because I emailed Roger Stone, Manifort and Robert Durst back in 2016. Now I'm the only one not in jail.

I saw a beautiful woman in Walmart so I chatted, "would you like to have a coffee with me". She said "I only go out with Jewish cowboys". I said its nice to meet you, my name is Bucky Goldstein.

27 Jan 19 - 12:15 PM (#3973713)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

I caught a bad case of HDADD. I don't pay attention but when I do the detail is amazing. I saw for the first time the Earth is bi-polar.

27 Jan 19 - 01:28 PM (#3973725)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again...

28 Jan 19 - 12:04 PM (#3973843)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

"I'm glad to hear it."
Shauden Freuda

29 Jan 19 - 07:02 AM (#3973946)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Visual joke
Just after WW2 a man walked into a pub like this (right hand pulled up into sleeve)
The barman said - "where did you get that ?"
"Dunkirk", came the reply
The barman pulled hi a free pint
Shortly after, a man walked in like this (left hand pulled into sleeve)
The barman asked him "Where did you get that"
"Anzio" came the reply
Another free pint
An hour late yet another man came in like this (both hands pulled into sleeves)
"Where did you get that?" asks the barman
"Burton's - it's ****** going back in the morning"   
Jim Carroll

30 Jan 19 - 03:07 AM (#3974086)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Was going to put this up on 'A Cautionary Tale' but probably bad taste

Presidentof Ireland, Eamon DeValera was visiting a mental institution when he was intoduced to a timid-looking man sitting alone gazing out of the window
They became engaged in deep conversation and the man began to explain how it was all a dreadful mistake for him to be incarcerated in the institution as there was nothing wrong with his mental health
After half-an-hour he managed to persuade Dev of his case - the President promised solemnly that he would look into the matter as soon as possible
When he turned to go the man picked up his chair, smashed it over Dev's head and said, "Don't forget your promise now, will you?"
Jim Carroll

30 Jan 19 - 03:37 PM (#3974163)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A young woman, obviously a member of the of the oldest profession, took a seat on a stool beside a man at a bar, leaned over and whispered in his ear, "If you can say it in three words, I'll do it for a hundred dollars."

The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house."

30 Jan 19 - 03:43 PM (#3974165)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

I asked some guys drinking beer why they like beer so much.
An English guy said because beer makes me a jolly good fellow.
The American said I like em when they are cold and tall.
A weaving guy said, cuz I'm good at it, thats all.
A Republican said, I like beer like my women, on the edge of unconsciousness.

30 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM (#3974177)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

Patient: "My friends made this appointment. They said I need help because I like pancakes."
Psychiatrist: "Really! There's nothing wrong with liking pancakes. I like pancakes myself."
"Do you? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."

31 Jan 19 - 03:48 AM (#3974222)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

"The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house.""
A wealthy man came out of his front door to find the painter he had hired had painted his expensive classic car with weatherproof paint
He spun on him and snapped, I said paint the porch, you feckin' eejit"
Jim Carroll

31 Jan 19 - 11:22 AM (#3974240)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Hear about the chap with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...

01 Feb 19 - 03:39 AM (#3974321)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A mouse was crossing Lime Street in the days when it was at its height as Liverpool's red-light district.
As it crossed the tramlines it mis-timed it and its tail was cut off by the front wheels of a passing tram
It turned around to rescue the tail, thinking it could be sewn back on, when the back wheels cut it's head off cleanly
Moral of the story:
Never lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim Carroll

01 Feb 19 - 02:13 PM (#3974414)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

03 Feb 19 - 03:22 PM (#3974705)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Went to the doctor's this morning. What's up with me, doc? I asked. You've got hypochondria, he said. I'm not surprised, I said, I've had everything else...

03 Feb 19 - 03:45 PM (#3974708)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Michael

"Saw the doctor this morning." "Oh, what did he say?" "Nothing he didn't see me, I was hiding."

Monty Python

06 Feb 19 - 05:11 AM (#3975083)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

If I melted dry ice in an empty pool could I go swimming without getting wet?

06 Feb 19 - 09:53 AM (#3975125)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Dry ice doesn't melt. Duh.

06 Feb 19 - 10:01 AM (#3975129)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving as police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!

06 Feb 19 - 10:14 AM (#3975133)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

(This is an old one)

Review of a restaurant on the moon:
'Great food. No atmosphere.'

06 Feb 19 - 11:14 AM (#3975143)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

While we are in the recycling bin...

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

[Say it slowly...]

06 Feb 19 - 03:10 PM (#3975169)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard

Senoufou, shouldn't that - regarding moon's weak gravity - be

"Light food. No atmosphere."?

06 Feb 19 - 03:38 PM (#3975171)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Haha MudGuard, that's true!

Mrrzy, that sounds like a Chinaman needing the dentist :)

07 Feb 19 - 03:42 AM (#3975225)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: BobL

I'm reminded that many years ago the Good Beer Guide reviewed some TV ads by brewers, one of which featured astronauts on the Moon. Their comment:
"It's bleak, it's barren and there's no atmosphere. Yes, it's a Watney's pub."

07 Feb 19 - 04:04 AM (#3975229)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

A local dentist that put on a few ceilidhs told me when they installed a new alarm system the release code number was - you guessed it.

07 Feb 19 - 06:38 AM (#3975257)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Ha ha! Ok, how do lawyers sleep? Well, first they lie on one side, then they lie on the other...

08 Feb 19 - 05:32 AM (#3975450)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler

Batman and Robin left the Batcave for the Batgarage to go to the Batshops. The Batmobile wouldn't start, so Batman looked under the Bathood. "It's the battery, Robin" said Batman. "What's an Attery?" asked Robin.
RtS

08 Feb 19 - 01:25 PM (#3975568)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard

What's a "tery", Robin should have asked, as it wasn't the "batattery".

10 Feb 19 - 04:19 AM (#3975841)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

if one cylinder went sick it would sound like a batattery!

10 Feb 19 - 12:12 PM (#3975926)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

Some recently deceased people were queuing at the gates of Heaven to get in. St Peter said to the first man "All you thought about in your time on Earth was money, money, money. Even your wife's name was Penny. I'm sorry, you can't come in. You'll have to go to the other place.

As the second man stepped forward, St Peter said "I'm afraid you succumbed to the demon drink. You were never sober. You even married a girl called Sherry. Go to Hell!"

A couple standing at the back of the queue overheard the conversations. The husband turned to his wife and said " Come on Fanny, we're not hanging round here to be insulted".

DC

10 Feb 19 - 04:41 PM (#3975991)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

On the subject of dentists. I need to see mine this week... I hate seeing her... she always looks down in the mouth!

11 Feb 19 - 06:57 AM (#3976103)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A young feller starts work on a sheep farm in the Outback - after the first few weeks be begins to feel the lack of female company
On enquiring he is told be his workmates, "There's always the sheep"
He protests, outraged and is told, "We all do it"
Eventually he comes around to the idea, climbs into the pen, selects a ewe and starts giving it the business
He looks up to see all his mates standing around the fence splitting the guts laughing.
"What are you laughing at - you said you all do it?"
"We do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll

12 Feb 19 - 08:37 AM (#3976308)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

There is a version of that with camels, where he was supposed to ride it to town to the whorehouse...!

12 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM (#3976313)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler

Gag recycled from sax player Alan Barnes:
If it wasn't for pickpockets I wouldn't have a sex life.
RtS

12 Feb 19 - 09:39 AM (#3976319)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

"Camels"
During WW2 a Tommy was loaned a camel by an Arab driver to help him carry out his duties
He was unable to get the beast to move so he sought assiatance from his benefactor
He was told, "You get behind the beast with two stones in your hands - you'll find its balls protrude behind it so you take the stones and slap them together catching the balls between them"
The soldier winced and asked; "doesn't that hurt?"
"Not if you don't trap your fingers, it doesn't".
Jim

13 Feb 19 - 02:55 PM (#3976557)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard

A mathematician is offered a choice by a fairy:
he may either get a bacon-lettuce-tomato-sandwich, or everlasting happiness.

What does he choose?

Obviously, he takes the sandwich!


Why?










.



.



.




.




.




.





Because:

nothing is better than everlasting happiness,
and one BLT-Sandwich is better than nothing ...

14 Feb 19 - 05:58 PM (#3976748)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

Does a drive-in cinema have wall-to-wall car petting?

DC

14 Feb 19 - 06:28 PM (#3976752)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

The new local cinematorium
Is not only a super sensorium.
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual,
Mutual masturbatorium.

15 Feb 19 - 05:52 PM (#3976951)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing their, you don't appreciate the gravity of the situation.

17 Feb 19 - 06:08 AM (#3977284)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

A man comes home late one evening and says to his wife "Cancel the milk. I've just heard from some blokes in the pub that our milkman has a terrible reputation. When the men are out at work, he visits the houses on his round and plays fast and loose with their wives. Apparently, he's been boasting that he's had every woman in our street except one".

"Really?" said his wife. "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Mrs Jones from number 15".

DC

17 Feb 19 - 05:05 PM (#3977442)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tradsinger

Two vicars were talking. One says "I think all this premarital sex is disgusting. I never made love to my wife before we were married, did you?" The other vicar replies "I'm not sure. What was her name?"

Man walks into a bar - orders 3 pints and a double whisky and says to the barman "I shouldn't really be drinking all this with what I've got." The barman asks "Why, what have you got?" The man says "25p".

19 Feb 19 - 05:44 AM (#3977726)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Bought a brand new 50 inch television today. It was reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could anyone turn it down.

19 Feb 19 - 06:01 AM (#3977730)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A teacher in Liverpool once asked be as I was approaching school leaving age - "What do you want to bee or a wasp?"
Jim Carroll

19 Feb 19 - 07:47 AM (#3977753)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I knew one teacher who, when telling a kid off, would roar in his face " Don't you DARE open your mouth when you're talking to ME, boy!"

19 Feb 19 - 09:20 AM (#3977760)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

The teacher comes into class one morning to find someone has left a steaming turd in the middle of his desk
He demands to know who has left in there, nobody owns up
He threatens to keep the entire class in after school until somebody confess , still nobody confesses
At his wits end, he tells the class, "Right, what I'll do, I'll draw the blings, leave the room and stay out for five minutes and will forget all this happened if someone just removes it.
He turns to find another turd next to the turd and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again".   
Jim Carroll

22 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM (#3978360)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Movie critic: performances in this film were uniformly outstanding! I had to turn off the tube and cogitate.

28 Feb 19 - 08:04 PM (#3979662)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

We were on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach when my girlfriend broke up with me. I was devastated. It was an emotional roller coaster.

01 Mar 19 - 03:15 AM (#3979689)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

Septimus Glutinus Maximus (Gladiator) Strolls into a bar in downtown Herculaneum

"I'll have a Martinus, barman"

"Don't you mean a Martini?"

"If I'd wanted a double, I would have asked for one"

02 Mar 19 - 02:30 AM (#3979787)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

Yesterday on Radio 4 (Uniquely British railway references)

<TANNOY ECHO=ON>
the British Government apologise for the delay of a Brexshit decision, because of leavers on the line, there was a no points failure and it was the wrong kind of no
</TANNOY>

14 Apr 19 - 12:40 PM (#3987340)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Mohammed bin Salman joined Trump and Kim Jung Un in a round of golf on a recent nuclear summit. Kim has many exotic animals in and around the golf course. Trump, having just taken a generous relief from a pile of animal crap, sees a llama and says "there'sa llama in th'lake Kim".
Salman says "peace be upon him" and Kim says "What Rake"

14 Apr 19 - 05:35 PM (#3987386)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I don't suppose you have any actual JOKES, Donuel...?

14 Apr 19 - 06:07 PM (#3987392)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Jokes I write my self are original, I know you like traditional.
Lay down your hate for the sake of a language that divides cultural and diverse genres of humor. Your case of egoitis is not getting better.

VP Pence is so homophobic he eats bananas from the middle.

14 Apr 19 - 06:24 PM (#3987393)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

No hate, Donuel. When I click on a joke thread I sort of expect a laugh. You are obsessed with Trump et al and your "jokes" are the most unfunny confections ever. We live in a vale of tears, Donuel, and we need a laugh. Even a groan. We don't need you infesting joke threads with quasi-tragedy. Nighty night.

14 Apr 19 - 06:52 PM (#3987400)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Yes I am obcessed with the instigators and tools of genocide. It is a veil that can be pierced with effort. I am less obcessed than Bill Mahre.

When VP Pence sees a rainbow he yells be gone gay air!

14 Apr 19 - 07:44 PM (#3987401)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I don't care who you're obsessed with. It's a joke thread. So, within the spirit of the thing:

"I went to the doctors. He said ‘I’d like you to lie on the couch’. I said ‘What for?’ He said ‘I’d like to sweep the floor’."

16 Apr 19 - 03:48 AM (#3987613)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

You are obsessed with Trump et al and your "jokes" are the most unfunny confections ever.

As the originator of the thread, I wouldn't dare declare what is and isn't a joke. But just to highlight how personal humour is, I smiled at Donuel's quips. And not at the last post - recognisable as a joke, but far from ROTFLMAO it is predictable and predictable ain't funny**. Unless you are Gerrard Hoffnung.

**Any analysis of humour would end up referring to the way it sets up a conflict in your brain and the logic that makes it true and the logic that says it isn't, is pleasing. When you have already arrived at the two logics, there is no conflict, there is no pleasing. And logic pre-supposes a lifetime of personal experience/data/exposure.

Humour is never funny when you analyse it.

16 Apr 19 - 06:31 AM (#3987640)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Well that's all a bit convoluted. As far as I'm concerned, a joke should make me laugh, smile, smirk or groan. And if you find Donuel's "jokes" amusing, but not the Tommy Cooper one that I presented to you, then I can reach only one conclusion: you're a yank.

(Was that a joke...?)

16 Apr 19 - 09:12 AM (#3987674)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Thank you for coming Fire Chief Reynolds.
Thank you Rachel, Even the capitol Building of Maryland has a fire suppression system that protects the wood and gold gilded dome and building that would make any fire Lester Maddox than the Notre Dame fire. PVC tubes spreads water into areas that makes the possibility of fire Lester Maddox. An original lightning rod made by Benjamine Franlin also makes lighting fire propogation Lestor Maddox.

EXCUSE me Chief Reynolds but what does a historic racist bigot from Georgia have to do with Notre Dame or fire safety??

I don't know but even the White House has a fire suppresson system to make fires less dramatic.

16 Apr 19 - 09:31 AM (#3987678)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

A combination of yank and UK style jokes.

16 Apr 19 - 10:51 AM (#3987692)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Liverpudlian's chat-up line - "Guess what I had in my hand when I woke up this morning?"
Jim Carroll

16 Apr 19 - 05:51 PM (#3987757)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Pappy Fiddle

At an Irish wedding reception, the DJ called out, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has always been there for them, listened to all their woes, made their life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

16 Apr 19 - 05:53 PM (#3987758)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Now you're talking, chaps! :-)

16 Apr 19 - 08:16 PM (#3987772)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

My wife didn't get my joke even after explanation.
Lester Maddox is too long dead and I am too old, but I still look as good as Dave Barry.
I will no longer put skits in the UK joke thread, besides you don't like yanks as it is.

16 Apr 19 - 09:07 PM (#3987780)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

We love yanks. And we recognise that a very few of you are at last beginning to achieve "a sense of humour." It's been a struggle and we might have to give it another thousand years, but we Brits never give up...

18 Apr 19 - 04:47 AM (#3987953)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Stanron

Here's a good one. Mr Red starts a thread for jokes 2019 and one of the usual suspects starts an argument!

18 Apr 19 - 08:45 AM (#3987986)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Posting tedious non-jokes in a joke thread, thinking that they're jokes, is a brilliant way to start an argument. Think I'll toddle off and watch that Monty Python sketch in an argument clinic:

"Palin then enters Cleese's room, where Cleese immediately starts an argument, claiming that Palin has already been told that it is the right room. The argument is petty, and consists primarily of the two men contradicting each other. Eventually, Cleese rings a bell signifying the end of the argument, and after Palin pays for another five minutes, Cleese claims that he hasn't. Palin leaves in frustration."

18 Apr 19 - 08:48 AM (#3987987)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Anyway.

My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”

18 Apr 19 - 07:53 PM (#3988105)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Salford University UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, thinking he might be attacked. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through a Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes’ legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

18 Apr 19 - 08:24 PM (#3988109)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

:-)

19 Apr 19 - 03:25 AM (#3988133)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

there you go. saw it coming, didn't laugh.
Just shows you how personal humour is. And how finding things funny depends on not seeing the punchline before it is delivered.

Yes, Yes we can see how someone else finds things funny. Like slipping on a banana skin - depends on who sees it, or does it. Not all of the above laugh.


FWIW and it is curious rather than funny BUT: the banana skin joke is a Hollywood metaphore for Horse Shit, because in the early days of film Horses were THE mode of transport and they shit everywhere. And propriety demanded they found an analogue for something that everyday people would have had to avoid or slip upon.

AND dare we say - it is the way you tell 'em. Tommy Cooper told them, visually, he didn't write them down!

19 Apr 19 - 08:02 AM (#3988191)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos

Whatever do they feed the horses on round your way, Mr Red, to make it slippery. Are you sure it wasn't cows causing the problem?

21 Apr 19 - 12:13 AM (#3988437)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Neil D

A priest and a nun are crossing the desert on a camel which proceeds to up and die. Sitting there next to the dead camel, out of water in the middle of the desert, the priest says "sister I believe were going to die. Before we do there's something I always wanted to try." He pulls out his penis and the nun, gasping , says "father, what is that?" The priest says "sister this is that which gives life". The nun thinks for a moment and asks "Why don't you stick it in that camel so we can get the hell out of here?"

21 Apr 19 - 06:22 AM (#3988452)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I went to the zoo yesterday, but all it had was one little dog. It was a Shih tzu.

21 Apr 19 - 03:24 PM (#3988495)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

I said 'I'm leaving you'!! ..........She asked 'Why'?........... I said because I'm homesick'.            She said 'But this is your home'.             I said 'I know and I'm sick of it'!!!

22 Apr 19 - 03:54 AM (#3988533)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

Whatever do they feed the horses on round your way, Mr Red, to make it slippery. Are you sure it wasn't cows causing the problem? in India maybe.

In Hollywood & the UK there were far less cows pulling toffs in hansom cabs AKAIK. And whatever you feed horses on, it just melts when it rains. And UK weather ................

There was a Victorian trade of "crossing sweeper" (& I presume Hollywood had reached the reached such sophistication if not yet the degredation) to clean the road in an informal "cross walk" for toffs and ladies in long skirts to cross in relative ease. A bit like squeegie bandits at junctions these days, they did it for the tips.

And we thought pollution was a recent phenomenon! Solved by the motor car! Begs the question, what downside will electric vehicles produce as they solve the current problemo? I predict it will be the re-cycling of batteries. But predicting the future is a joke. Not funny but .................

22 Apr 19 - 04:51 AM (#3988538)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

All this talk of horses pulling things....What is this? Some kind of a yoke thread...?

24 Apr 19 - 06:15 PM (#3989068)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Pokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’

24 Apr 19 - 07:45 PM (#3989085)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

And he overdosed on Viagra just before he died so that he wouldn't roll over as they carried his coffin...

25 Apr 19 - 01:57 PM (#3989237)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

During the occupation of France a Nazi officer swaggered into a Paris brothel, grabbed the most attractive woman and dragged her up to an upstairs room where the tore off her clothes, threw her on the bed and brutally ravished her
When he finished, he boasted lodly, "In nine months time you will give birth to a handsome blond child; you may call him Adolf - Heil Hitler"
She replied "In a few days time your willie will begin to itch, and will become covered with festering sores - You may call it a skin infection - Vive La France"
Jim Carroll

25 Apr 19 - 07:38 PM (#3989275)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

Dad was putting his daughter to bed when, putting her hands together and closing her eyes, she said "God bless mummy; God bless daddy; God bless grandma; goodbye grandad". The next morning, grandad was about to tuck into a hearty breakfast when he clutched his chest and collapsed. He died before the ambulance arrived.

A few weeks later, the little girl was again saying her prayers when she said "God bless mummy; God bless daddy; goodbye grandma". The next morning, grandma was found dead in bed. Of course, it could have been just a coincidence - or was there something more to it? He decided to keep it to himself rather than upset his wife at what was already a stressful time.

Some months went by without event until one evening she said "God bless mummy; goodbye daddy". Much as he decided to dismiss it from his mind, he nevertheless decide to go into work by public transport rather than risk driving. At the office, he took the stairs rather than the lift. He passed on eating lunch and by the afternoon he couldn't concentrate on any of his work. The journey home was a torture and, by the time he arrived home, he was a bag of nerves. He closed the door behind him and saw his wife standing in the hallway.

"I've had a terrible day" he said, almost crying.

"You think you've had a terrible day?" she replied. "What about me? The milkman dropped dead on the step this morning".

DC

29 Apr 19 - 02:16 PM (#3989900)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

I went to the house of some friends this afternoon. There was a note saying ‘’Out! please hide in garage’’. Was in there two hours and my friend came in . He said what on Earth are you doing in here? I said ‘’I read your note and hid in here’’. He said ‘’You fool, the note was for our delivery man’’.

01 May 19 - 03:48 AM (#3990208)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

At an army training camp, news comes through that the father of one of the recruits has passed away. The officer in charge, wishing to pass the buck, informs the sergeant major, saying "You're closer to the men Sergeant Major. Perhaps it would be better coming from you."

"Yes sir" replies the sergeant major with a smart salute.

He steps out onto the parade ground and bellows "TOMKIN, HERE! NOW!!". He dashes up and the sergeant major says "The CO says your father's dead. Carry on Tomkin".

"Sergeant Major" protests the officer. "That was a little, erm, insensitive".

Two weeks later news comes through that, sadly, Tomkin's mother has also passed away. The officer calls the sergeant major and says "This time, I want you to break the bad news more gently. Try to be - how shall I put it? - a little less direct".

"Very good sir" replies the sergeant major. "Right you lot! Get yourselves fell in - AT THE DOUBLE. Anyone with at least one parent living, fall out to the canteen. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO, TOMKIN?"

DC

02 May 19 - 07:03 PM (#3990445)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

Scarcely had the marriage been consummated, when the husband succumbed to jealousy. He fell into a troubled sleep, and dreamed that an angel had come down to relieve his anxiety. The angel gave him a ring, and told him that as long as he wore it, his wife was certain to be faithful. But as soon as he put the ring on, it began jerking violently as if trying to pull itself off. During the struggle, he heard his bride's voice yelling "Stop that!" and awoke to find his finger you must not imagine where.

03 May 19 - 10:45 AM (#3990566)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

AaaaaaAaaaAaaaargh! (News of Chewy's death)

27 May 19 - 08:04 PM (#3994256)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

What is ET short for?
Um, extraterrestrial?
Nah, it's so he can fit into his tiny little spaceship.

27 May 19 - 08:37 PM (#3994263)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

What is ET short for?

Cos he's only got little legs...

28 May 19 - 10:34 AM (#3994306)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Now I must punish you.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Smellmop.
(Then laugh if they give the expected response.)

28 May 19 - 11:53 AM (#3994313)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak - now you say "control freak who?"

28 May 19 - 05:00 PM (#3994360)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: WalkaboutsVerse

2 golfers were in the middle of their round when an electric storm started. When 1 pulled out a 1-iron & held it up high, his partner asked "what on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about!" To which he calmly replied "not even God can hit a 1-iron"; my song, from WalkaboutsVerse, "Lingolf"

28 May 19 - 05:53 PM (#3994373)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Why did da Danes put bar codes on all deir ships? So dey could scan da navy in.

Remember the Interruption Cow knockknock joke? Interruption Giraffe works the same, but you stick your tongue out instead of mooing...

28 May 19 - 06:12 PM (#3994380)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

M. A. B. it's a big horse.

M. A. B. it's a big horse who?

M. A. B. it's a big horse I'm a Londoner...

15 Jun 19 - 11:12 AM (#3996540)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Why is it hard to tell when a pterodactyl is using the loo?






Because the pee is silent.

16 Jun 19 - 11:22 AM (#3996676)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’.

16 Jun 19 - 11:52 AM (#3996681)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

A man rushed up to me in the street and cried "Quick! Quick! Have you seen a policeman around here?"

"No," I replied.

"Good!" he said, "Stick 'em up..."

16 Jun 19 - 01:36 PM (#3996700)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

The dinner party was in full swing with both wine and conversation flowing freely when the dining room door opened and in walked the six year old daughter of the house. As she stood there in dripping wet pyjamas, she cast an accusing glance at the men around the table. She pointed at each in turn, saying:
    "Either YOU or YOU or YOU left the toilet seat up and I FELL IN!"

DC

17 Jun 19 - 09:15 PM (#3996855)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Georgiansilver, that's a bloody cracker. I told it to my 90-year-old mum today and she laughed so much I thought I was going to have to call for a paramedic...

18 Jun 19 - 11:23 AM (#3996921)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Thanks Steve Shaw....... Here's another for you to tell your mum.       A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

20 Jun 19 - 10:04 AM (#3997122)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

A clergyman was pleased to secure a post as vicar to an island parish. It was the ideal rural position, far from the violence and crime surrounding his previous inner-city church. He was a popular preacher and the church was always full, with people from all over the island attending.

One day, however, his faith was shaken when he found that his bike had gone missing from the vicarage garden. With no visitors to the island and the ferry not due until the weekend, it had to be one of the locals. What hypocrites, he thought to himself, sitting there all prim and proper on Sundays while doing the Devil's work during the week.

He decided that, on the coming Sunday, he would base his sermon on the ten commandments. When he got to "Thou shalt not steal", he would stare at each member of the congregation in turn, as if looking into their souls. Even if no-one owned up, he was confident that his bike would reappear in the vicarage garden, no questions asked.

All was going well until he reached "Thou shalt not commit adultery" when he remembered where he had left his bike.

DC

27 Jun 19 - 07:03 AM (#3998022)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler

A First Nation man married a Chinese-American woman. They were nervous about a cross-cultural wedding but both sets of parents were supportive. The man's parents gave them a voucher for 2 weeks residency every year at the family holiday teepee on Lake Kitchikoomie and the wife's parents gave them a pair of Dogs of Fu. All went well and they were expecting their first child, a boy. The husband said he wanted a traditional name for the boy but nothing common like Crazy Horse or Running Bear and he didn't want to upset his wife's family. "I've got it" he said, "we'll call him "Two Dogs Fu." "Are you crazy?" his wife said...
(wait for it)

..."our surname is King"

(I'll get me coat)

RtS

01 Jul 19 - 12:47 PM (#3998714)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: WalkaboutsVerse

No kidology, InternationalJokeDay is trending on Twitter.

31 Aug 19 - 06:50 AM (#4006643)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Man chatting up young woman who he's just met asks her, what's your name then? Carmen, she sez. That's a nice name, he sez. What does it mean? It means I like cars and I like men, sez she. So what's YOUR name then? Sez he, Beershag...

31 Aug 19 - 07:41 AM (#4006650)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A couple going home one night in a car after a dance stop in a country lane for a snog - one thing leads to 'the other', but she hesitates and tells him he'll "have to wear one"
"One what", he asks?
She explains what she means and he looks puzzled saying, "I've never heard of one of those - where can I get one ?"
"As it happens" she says, "I've got one in my handbag"
"What do I do with it" he asks ?
Sighing, she takes it out, holds up her thumb, rolls it into place and tells him "like that" - then she takes it off and hands it to him - "now you do it".
They get down to the business and, after a few minutes she says, "Are you sure you've got it on right - "I'm all wet".
"I think so", he says, holding up his thumb
Jim Carroll

31 Aug 19 - 10:47 AM (#4006680)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

What's the difference between a Born-Again Christian and The Pope in the bath ?
One has hope in his soul, the other has soap.....
Jim

31 Aug 19 - 11:36 AM (#4006683)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

31 Aug 19 - 11:46 AM (#4006686)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

From the Tim Vine radio show. If you have groans, prepare to shed them now:

Two tapeworms were chatting inside the intestine of a high-ranking army officer. One said to the other, "You look a bit miserable today. Everything okay?"

"Oh, it's nothing in particular," sighed the other, "just life in general..."

31 Aug 19 - 12:24 PM (#4006689)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

We live a few miles south of the Burren, in County Clare - this weekend sees the end of the annual Matchmaking Festival at Lisdoonvarna, where elderly farmers used to go to find young wives to be their housekeepers (among other things!)
This is one of the stories connected with the custom (also told in the Appalachians, by the way)

An old bachelor farmer working his farm in one of the most remote areas of the Burren, used to go regularly into Lisdoon to stock up on supplies when they ran out
One Saturday he set out into town on his donkey and cart to stock up for the Autumn, forgetting that the Matchmaking was still in fill spring
Down the long narrow rock road he went until he arrived in the town; he was a little puzzled to see the hundreds of people crowding the streets of the normally quiet towneen
He bought what he needed, carried them out and piled them high onto the back of the cart.
As the poor beast dragged the overloaded cart out of town, the farmer spotted a young one standing on the side of the street looking to be hired for the season - the farmer, remembering what time of year it was,strode over to her and made his bargain - the two walked back to the cart and he lifted up to sit on the pile of goods
They drove along the Ennistymon Road until they came to the farmer's turn-off and began to make their way up the steep, stony track - a half mile into the journey, the donkey stumbled - "That's one" said the farmer - the girl sat there bemused, but said nothing.
A mile further the poor beast stumbled again: "That's two" said the farmer - again, the woman, held her peace.
A mile further the animal stumbled a third time.
"That's three" said the farmer and walked around the back of the cart, scrabbled under the goods and pulled out a large, thick blackthorn stick; walking around to the front, he struck the donkey a mighty blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead
Well - your wan was horrified - she leapt down off the cart and screamed at the man: "Why did you do that - it wan't the poor creature's fault you overloaded the cart - what are we going to do now; we're nowhere near a house, it's getting cold and dark, its beginning to rain and I only have light shoes..... how are we going to get home?
The farmer looked at her coldly and said quietly - "That's one"
Jim Carroll

01 Sep 19 - 09:35 PM (#4006882)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I went on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. For half the ride I was laughing my head off, but for the other half I was in floods of tears.

It was an emotional roller-coaster...

02 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM (#4006895)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Funny girl - we went to bed, I put my p.... in her hand and she said, "I'll put it under the pillow and smoke it in the morning"
Jim Carroll

02 Sep 19 - 04:58 AM (#4006910)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!
I joined a support group for people with memory loss which was supposed to meet at 2pm on Monday. Nobody turned up!!
Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.
Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

02 Sep 19 - 05:15 AM (#4006914)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Was thinking of going to the Hernia Support Group yesterday but I didn't want to be held up.

02 Sep 19 - 06:11 AM (#4006918)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

They have refused to allow the entry of men wearing trusses into taking part in 'Come Dancing' - they said it restricts the ballroom
Jim Carroll

02 Sep 19 - 07:41 AM (#4006930)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave Hanson

An epitaph from the 18th century, its' called ' On Aberdeen '

Here lies the body of Elizabeth Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot,
A virgin still a 17,
A remarkable thing for Aberdeen.

Dave H

02 Sep 19 - 03:40 PM (#4007012)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Reminded by the greyhound thread - probably told this before but so may jokes - so little time

A gambling addict down to his last few sheckles decides to blow them all on one last race so he sets off for Wimbledon Dog Track
Going through the main gate he is accosted my a man who tells him about this wonderful dog which is guaranteed to win every race it enters - affret listening patently for a few minutes, the gambler is completely sold on the idea the dog cannot possibly lose
"One slight problem" says teh tipster, "The animal is used to clockwise courses and this one is anti-clockwise; but I have no doubt he's fast enough to overcome that"
The punter puts all hsi money on teh dog and stands patently for te race to start.
The rece begins and, before the first bend the dog in gards in front of teh rest of the field, but, when it comes to the turn, the dog goes off to the right instead of the left
Righting itself, the dog gets back on course and quickly overtakes the rest of the field until the same happens at the second bend until the dog sorts itself out again.
This happens throughout the race until, at the finishing post, the dog crosses the finishing line a nose behind the winner
In despair, the punter throws away his ticket and heads towards the gate when he is once more accepted by the tipster who apologises profusely
"No problem" says the punter, these things happen"
You know that fault with your dog can be easily cured" he tells the tipser
"How ?" the man asks anxiously
"You just have to put a little piece of lead in its ear" he is told
"But surely it'll fall out ?"
Not if you put it in properly - try using a ***** gun"
Jim Carroll

02 Sep 19 - 11:11 PM (#4007060)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

If you're looking for the Time Travelers Anonymous group, we meet last Thursday.

04 Sep 19 - 04:20 PM (#4007364)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A wealthy man steps out of his front door just in time to see the painter he had hired putting the finishing touches to his classic car with weatherproof exterior paint
"I said the porch, you stupid bastard, the porch"
Jim Carroll

04 Sep 19 - 10:06 PM (#4007383)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

What's that pig doing in the hot, dry desert?

Bakin' [might need American accent]...

05 Sep 19 - 03:16 AM (#4007405)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A young French mother was walking her young child though Paris Zoo when they stopped to watch the elephants - one male bull's enormous penis, on-heat and ready for action, was hanging down full length beneath him.
The child pointed and asked "what's that mummy"
Thoroughly embarrassed, the young woman hastily replied, "It's nothing dear".
A passing Frenchman told her, "Madam is blasé".
Jim Carroll

05 Sep 19 - 08:44 AM (#4007440)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

"I offer my honour, sir knight " said the fair maiden.
"I honour your offer" said the the gallant knight.
And all night long he was ohn her and off her
Jim Carroll

06 Sep 19 - 08:16 AM (#4007562)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: saulgoldie

On a tombstone:

Here lies the body of Les Moore.
No les.
No moore.

06 Sep 19 - 10:10 AM (#4007577)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Paddy Murphy, the Irishman decides that before he gets too old he would like to see some of the world, so he jumps into a rowing boat and rows over to Scotland, then sets off walking through the country, down into England and then through Wales
Pretty soon news of his epic trek is reported in all the newspapers and on the local radio ND his affable, easy going nature makes him friends wherever he goes - he is constantly invited in to people's homes where he is fed and given a bed for the night
Eventually, he crosses into France, then through Germany, Switzerland, and eventually Italy, still making friends and winning hearts everywhere.
He finally decides to end his journey with a visit to the Vatican.
He is standing in St Peter's Square along with the thousands of others hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pope, when the very man he wishes to see comes out into the crowd and begins to bless them
Spotting Paddy, he comes over and says, "I've been reading of your adventures my son - I'm delighted to meet you; tell me, which part of Ireland do you come from?"
"Belfast, you Papish bastard"
Jim Carroll

06 Sep 19 - 06:16 PM (#4007628)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

"Father, forgive me. I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."
"You've become *what*?"
"A prostitute, father."
"God be praised! I thought at first you said a Protestant."

06 Sep 19 - 06:46 PM (#4007631)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I saw six blokes wandering around a cemetery for four hours with a coffin on their shoulders. I thought to myself, these guys have really lost the plot...

07 Sep 19 - 02:56 AM (#4007655)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

This was told to me as a true story by my father, who was a navvy, very involved in getting the appalling conditions improved on the sites he worked on
When a site was set up, a large hole was dug somewhere, two oil drums were placed on each side and a plank laid across - then a wooden hut would be lowered over it - that constituted the site toilet
My father said he walked into one of these constructions to find one of his mates down in the pit, up to hi knees in the 'mixture' fishing around with his arm buried in it.
He asked, "What the **** are you doing in there Tommy?"
The man replied, "I came in here to do my business, I took my jacket off and hung it over the end of the plank and it fell in - I'm trying to find it".
"You can't wear your jacket after it's been in that stuff", said my dad.
"I know that Jimmy", came the reply, " but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Jim Carroll

08 Sep 19 - 11:29 AM (#4007799)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A young lad is the sole survivor of a shipwreck in the Pacific an is washed up on an idyllic desert island where he finds he is able to survive on fruit and some root vegetables and a spring of fresh water.
Being hardly more than a child, he gradually grows to maturity unrescued lacking only company
As he develops he begins to notice the thing hanging between his legs and begins to experiment to try to find out what it is for - he finds that, if he touches it, it stiffens, so he devises a game, using it to flick stones down the beach as far as he can manage - gradually he increases the distance considerably
One day he is so engrossed in practicing that he doesn't notice the beautiful young girl, another survivor of another shipwreck, satnding watching him curiously
"What are you doing?" she asks.
Getting over his fright, he explains.
"I'm sure we can find something far more interesting to do with that", she says, and, sitting down on the sand beside him she gently pushes him down and, after a little tutoring, they begin making mad, passionate lust.
After a long period, they both sit up gasping for breath.
"There, what did you think of that?" she demands.
"That was amazing," he replies, "but I suppose you know you've ruined my flicker"
Jim Carroll

08 Sep 19 - 09:05 PM (#4007931)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

A farmer noticed that his cow had turned cross-eyed, and wondered if that meant anything bad. So he called in a veterinarian, who asked for a rubber hose. The farmer brought one, and the vet stuck one end up the cow's ass and blew hard on the other end. Sure enough, the cow's eyes straightened out. The farmer paid the vet and thanked him for showing the cure.
In a week or so, the cow was cross-eyed again. The farmer tried the same treatment, but it didn't work. So he called the vet again, repeated the treatment, and said "Show me what I did wrong". The vet took the hose out and put the other end up the cow's ass. "What good will that do?" "Did you expect me to use the end you had had in your mouth?"

09 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM (#4007978)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A policeman walkig his beat comes across two men on the pavement - one lying face down with hi trousers around his ankles the other with his finger up his companion's arse
"What do ui think you're doing?", asks the Bobby
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick", came the reply
"You'll never make him sick by putting your finger up his arse" says the Booby
"I will when I put it in his mouth", came the reply

Similar situation - same Bobby
Same two men on the pavement, one flat on his back with his flies open, the other sucking and blowing his mates's penis
In reply to the Booby's question, the man says, "I'm giving him the kiss of life"
""You do that mouth-to-mouth" says the Bobby
"Have you smelt his breath?"
im Carroll

13 Sep 19 - 03:28 PM (#4008707)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

In a small town in Northern Ireland, close to the border with the Republic, the local traffic policeman has managed to book every Catholic except one - the priest. But he has a plan.

The Catholic church is a the top of a steep hill and the priest's house is a the bottom. Half way up is a set of traffic lights. Each day, the priest struggles up the hill by bike. On the way home, however, he tucks his cassock up and rides down the hill at breakneck speed, peddling for all he's worth. One afternoon, the policeman opens up the control box and sets the traffic lights to manual. As he sees the priest hurtling down the hill, he flicks the lights to stop and gets ready to issue a ticket for running a red light. The priest slams on the brakes and puts both heels on the ground. He comes to a stop just half an inch from the stop line, smoke coming from the brake blocks, his shoes almost worn through. The policeman is amazed and, if truth be told, impressed.

"I don't know how you managed that" said the policeman.

"Ah, God was with me" replied the priest.

"Right, I've got you." said the policeman. "Two on a bike!".


DC

14 Sep 19 - 06:08 AM (#4008769)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Again - told as a true family story
When my dad ceased to become a navvy, our house was regularly visited by former workmates seeking his advice on how to improve site conditions
One day a couple of them working on the nearby East Lancashire Road called to ask if he could find them a venue for a meeting
As a devout excommunicated Catholic, he went to the local very approachable priest who gave him permission in the local hall, St Columbas - this was the time when bingo was becoming a popular fundraising event
He returned from the meeting and told the family, "They have a new game over there - the priest stand up and reads numbers and if the people have the same numbers on their cards they win a prize - the bugger reads the numbers out in Irish so the Protestants can't win"
Jim Carroll

15 Sep 19 - 04:06 AM (#4008892)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Trump was attending a Royal dinner at Buck House when Madge lets off a skirt-lifter of a fart
A gentleman a few seats down the table stood up hurriedly, apologised profusely and quickly walked out of the room
Trump whispered (loudly) to his neighbour, "What's with him - she dropped it?"
He was told, "On occasions such as this, a gentleman always takes responsibility for such mishaps".
Five minutes later Madge drops another one.
Trump stands up and says, "It's OK ma-am - this one's on me"
Jim Carroll

16 Sep 19 - 02:37 PM (#4009142)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Steve Shaw ... on the subject of hernia. A friend of mine had a calculator built into his truss so he could always count on his own support!

16 Sep 19 - 03:10 PM (#4009147)
Subject: RE: Joe- bituary for 2019
From: Donuel

Joe Bituary

At first I thought it was Rap.

16 Sep 19 - 03:14 PM (#4009148)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

When I moved to London, John Faulkner and Sandra Kerr took me under their wings and invited me to many of their out of town bookings
To keep ourselves awake we divide a word game by adapting titles of folk songs
For instance - Folk vegetables - The Dowie Dens of Marrow
Or, folk dishes - The Bonny Scouse of Airlie

Your starter for ten....

Back with more tomorrow

16 Sep 19 - 03:51 PM (#4009152)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Another Joe Bituary

17 Sep 19 - 03:11 AM (#4009223)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

More
Alan Tyne of Marrow
The Unquiet Gravy
The Grey Coc Au Vin
(Hang Down Your Head) Tandoori

Folk creatures
The False Kite on the Toad
Terrapin Hero
Jim Carroll

17 Sep 19 - 04:45 AM (#4009240)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

A small sample of altered names when we had a problem finding enough "English" material for a St George's Day gig, as nearly everything thing we did was Irish:

The Fields of Hythe and Rye

Follow Me Up to Harlow

The London Bury Air

I don't think too many people fell for it...

17 Sep 19 - 08:49 AM (#4009276)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Peggy Seeger wrote a beautiful song about immigrants - "Hello Friend", the first line of which is;
"Hello Friend, I see you're a stranger"
In the hands of Northern Irelander, Dave Scott it became;
"Hello fiend, I see you're a strangler"

We never sang it to Peggy
Jim Carroll

23 Sep 19 - 11:00 AM (#4010030)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Hear about the woman who accidentally sat on some superglue?

Disarsed 'er...

24 Sep 19 - 01:14 PM (#4010280)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

May as well put this here too

A Sergeant major Major during National Service, reputed for his tactlessness was sent to inform one of his men that his mother had died
He assembled the men on the parade ground, lined them up and roarded - "Jenkins - your mother's dead"
The recruit collapsed with the shock
His superiors got to hear of it, called him in and reprimanded him severely
Not long afterwards he was given the task of informing one of the men that both of his parents had died in a car crash
He assembled the men on the parade ground, lined them up and roared:
"Every man with two parents still living take one step NOW - not so fast Harris"
Jim Carroll

25 Sep 19 - 02:33 PM (#4010491)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

A man is walking into a pub and has to pass a woman dressed in a Salvation Army uniform who is standing just outside the door.

"Give up the demon drink" she advises him, "It will lead you down the path to damnation".

Instead of ignoring her, he decides to confront her; "How can you say that if you never tried it? Come in with me and I'll buy you a drink. Then you can decide if you still think it's wrong."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly go into a public house" she replied.

"Alright then" he says, "I'll bring a drink out to you."

Realising that he had a valid argument, she reluctantly agrees but adds "As I'm wearing my uniform, do you think I could have it in a paper cup, please?"

He goes into the pub and straight up to the bar to order the drinks. "A pint of bitter please and, I know this might sound unusual, a gin and tonic in a paper cup."

The barman sighs and says "Is that bloody Salvationist outside again?"


DC

16 Oct 19 - 06:40 PM (#4014060)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

What is sis boom bah?

its the sound exploding sheep make

16 Oct 19 - 07:09 PM (#4014063)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.

16 Oct 19 - 09:23 PM (#4014070)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

"Waiter! Come here and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-*ha*!"

17 Oct 19 - 09:13 AM (#4014133)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Ooh I used to know an It's the sound of some animal exploding joke but it wasn't that. Maybe it was How do you make a cat go Woof? Gasoline and a match...

17 Oct 19 - 09:14 AM (#4014134)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Ah I still remember Johnny Carson* as Karnac who was asked what is
sis boom baaaa?


* Beloved American comedian of the Tonight Show and Gate Keeper of 2 generations of new comedians. Millions of Americans went to bed with Johnny every nite.

17 Oct 19 - 10:17 AM (#4014141)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Raw Raw Raw Boom D A

sounds like an exploding sushi bar

now back to our regularly scheduled Benny Hill English sterotyped humour and prat falls.   yakity Sax...
Stay tuned for Mr. Bean goes to India
and the world of cheese with John Cleese at midnight.

17 Oct 19 - 03:43 PM (#4014194)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Wait, Johnny Carson has to be explained? Sad.

19 Oct 19 - 08:54 PM (#4014482)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

Mrrzy: If you had asked me who he was, I would have said, "I think he's somebody on television."

20 Oct 19 - 12:36 AM (#4014488)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Ah, Joe.

20 Oct 19 - 12:33 PM (#4014558)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

A man went to see the doctor.

The doc said to him "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

"Good grief! Stop masturbating? But why, doc!"

"Because I'm TRYING to examine you..."

20 Oct 19 - 06:09 PM (#4014605)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a young Welshman walk into a pub.
Where is everybody?
The bartender said all the old expats from Canada, India, Hong Kong and Gibralter all went to Tahiti hoping to get stuck there after the Brexit deal is final.

I thought they were still in France after the world cup.
Naw, said the bartender, that was just a bad joke. Brexit is real.

20 Oct 19 - 08:41 PM (#4014617)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.

21 Oct 19 - 12:44 PM (#4014722)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Thats what english jokes look like from my POV
I'll take the ham on 5, hold the Mayo.

23 Oct 19 - 09:07 PM (#4015119)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

He told the census taker that he was a Presbyterian and was married with five children, ages 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8. "You were having them pretty regularly for a while!" "Yes, sir. Then we found out what was causing it."

24 Oct 19 - 03:18 AM (#4015131)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Told as a true story by my father, a navvy involved in trying to improve working conditions, particularly washing and toilet facilities, on the sites he worked on
In those days, toilets consisted of a large hole in the ground with an oil drum at either end and a plank stretched across to squat on - this contained in a removable hut to give privacy
When the hole was full, the hut was lifted and the home filled in - another was dug elsewhere

My father went into one of these one day to fin a workmate in the pit, sunk to his knees in "the stuff" with one arm submerged, fishing around in it
"What the **** are you doing in there Tommy?" he asked
"Well Jimmy", came the reply, "I came in here to make myself comfortable and was nearly finished when my jacket fell in - I'm trying to find it".
"You can't possibly wear it again after it's been in there", says my dad.
"I know that, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"

Jim Carroll

25 Oct 19 - 10:29 AM (#4015333)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Two priests over-imbibing on the communion wine eventually got so drunk they began confiding their sins to each other and admitted they had both fathered illegitimate children
When they began to sober up they realised what they had done and began to panic
"I know", said the first, "you take my confession and I'll take yours, that way we'll both be of the hook"
They made their way to the confessional and Father Ted says to Father Donal, "You go first"
So Donal got in the box and began, "Bless me father for I have sinned...." and repeated what he had told his mate earlier
Father Ted absolved him from his wrongdoing with 'Three Our Fathers and Three Hail Marys'
Then Ted got in the box and did the same
When he'd finished, Father Donal let out a roar and said, "There's far too much of this sort of thing going on; this is the second one I've heard today - I'm going to report you to the Bishop"
Jim Carroll

28 Oct 19 - 06:01 AM (#4015783)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

A group is climbing in the Alps when one of them slips and falls down a deep crevasse. His teammates lower a rope down to him and tell him to grab hold of it.
"I can't" he shouts. "I've broken my arm".
"Well, use your other hand" the rescuers call back.
"I can't" he shouts back. "I've broken both of my arms".
"Can you wrap the rope round your legs?" they ask.
"No, I've broken both my legs".

After some discussion, they call down "you're going to have to grip the rope in your teeth". There then begins a long and painful haul to the top of the crevasse. As he's nearly reaching the top, one of the rescuers leans over the precipice and asks him "Are you managing OK?"

Back comes the reply "Yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh".

DC

28 Oct 19 - 06:48 AM (#4015794)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A drummer walks into a shop and say's he wants to buy an adapted Martin guitar
"I would like the bridge raised and the frets dropped slightly and I would like the best quality Thomastic strings controlled by micro-tuners.....
The man behind the counter interrupts him saying, "This is a fish shop"

By the way - in response to a comment on my jokes on another thread
I only own to joke booms - the two volumes of Gershon Legman's 'Rationale of the Dirty Joke'
Volume one is too bland to bother about, volume two is too onscene to be given a public airing on a respectable forum such as this
Jim

28 Oct 19 - 07:34 AM (#4015798)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Bloke goes into the butchers. "A pound of sausages, please."

"Ahah, mate, you're way behind the times! Don't you know that it's kilos these days?"

"OK then, I'll have a pound of kilos, please."

28 Oct 19 - 07:55 AM (#4015802)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Story recorded from a Lancashire man Jack Oakes by an old friend, Denis Turner, included on our cassette of traditional stories ... and That's my Story issued by Vaughn Williams Memorial Library
Jim Carroll

DICKIE BITHELL AND THE KICKING MATCH
Jack Oakes Bolton, Lancashire, England
Years ago there used to be kicking matches and they used stand up and put their 'ands on their shoulders, 'bout a yard apart, and they used kick at then-shins wi' clogs on. And, er .... owd Dickie Bithell was the champion of Wigan.
And this stranger came, came in this pub this 'ere day. So they had a game of dominoes and then they started talking about these kicking matches. So me dad says, "Well, owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire." So this feller kept quiet. So me dad said again, "Owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire."
So this feller's turned round to me dad, he says: "If you'll give me the first kickin', I'll have a go at owd Dickie."
Owd Dickie says, "Right, put your two pound down." So this stranger puts two pound down. So they go outside in a field and they stand up together and bate of one another's shoulders, arm's length. So this stranger takes the first kick -1 wish I could show you - and he kicks owd Dickie. Well owd Dickie goes rigid hisself to take the strain. So owd Dickie had his kick; so he kicks the stranger and the stranger did the same; take the strain.
So he carried on four or five times. So owd Dickie turned round to me dad, he said, "This stranger's no mug; he's a fair 'un."
"Go on, cany on Dickie", me dad said. So he carried on three or four more times.
Owd Dickie says, "I'm finished; he's too good. Give him the money." So me dad, looking at owd Dickie's legs, there were blood, snot and 'air hanging down his leg, he were in a bad way, you know.
So he says, "All right, give him the money."
So they said to t'other feller, "Let's have a look at your leg." When they looked at his leg, he'd a wooden leg. So they took the two pound off him and clear him out of pub.

28 Oct 19 - 07:58 AM (#4015803)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Another - from Bob Cann
Jim

A6
THE LION TAMER
Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off." So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches." "Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you do," he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have ’ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I’ve got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."

28 Oct 19 - 09:44 PM (#4015934)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Bloke went to his doctor on Thursday to find out his test results. The doc told him "I have good news and bad news."

"Oh God! What's the good news, doc?"

“Well, you have 48 hours to live,”

"Omigod!!! Is that all? So what's the bad news, doc?"

"I should have told you this on Tuesday.”

28 Oct 19 - 09:54 PM (#4015935)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Doc told the bloke, "I hate to tell you this, but you've only got ten to live..."

"Oh God! Only ten? Ten what, doc? Weeks, days, hours....?"

"...Stop bloody interrupting! Nine...eight...seven...six..."

28 Oct 19 - 11:41 PM (#4015938)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Doctor says, good news or bad news first? Patient says, good news. Doctor says, you have AIDS. Patient cries how can that be the good news? What's the bad news? Doctor says, you have Alzheimers. Patient says well... at least I don't have AIDS.

29 Oct 19 - 04:09 AM (#4015946)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

One recorded by MacColl, Seeger and Parker from miners when they were making The Big Hewer - (most of the stories were about dying or being injures in the Pit)

A mainer who had become hunchbacked from working i n cramped spaces for many years was killed in a pitfall
All his mates went to his wake to pay tribute - he was laid out in his bed and, to give him dignity, he was held down with a strap so he lay straight
His mates stood around his corpse drinking and telling stories about what a fine worker and a great marra he was
As the room warmed up the body contracted, the straps broke and he sat up bolt uptight in the bed -
Everybody scrambled to get out of the room - his best mate who was last in the rush to get out of the door, caught his jacket pocket on the doorknob
He screamed out,"Let go of me, you humpy-backed bastard".
Jim Carroll

29 Oct 19 - 04:17 AM (#4015949)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Shit - a miner - friggin typing
Jim

29 Oct 19 - 04:18 PM (#4016071)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard

speaking of typos: is "marra" another typo? Can't find the word in my
English->German dictionary ...

29 Oct 19 - 05:00 PM (#4016075)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Raggytash

'Marra' is a Geordie (native of Newcastle) dialect word for friend.

29 Oct 19 - 05:31 PM (#4016083)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard

Thanks Raggytash!

29 Oct 19 - 09:24 PM (#4016104)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Another Miner story about the Bevin Boys who were young non-miners recruited to work in the pit during the war as many skilled miners were abroad fighting (avoiding recruitment was often the reason why many volunteered)
Many were considered a liability because of their inexperience and tendency to dodge hard work

It was the custom that, if there was a fatality in the pit the pit-men would be given a day off in respect to the dead
One day, after a pitfall two Bevin boys who had been sent down to look for survivors came across two crushed miners
"How are we going to get them both up to the surface ?" asked the first one.
"I know", said the other, "let's take one up now and save the other for next week".
Jim Carroll

30 Oct 19 - 05:49 AM (#4016138)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Joe McHugh story

There's a story of a Yank visiting a bar up the coast from here and getting shat on by a passing seagull while sitting outside having a drink
He went into the bar and asked the publican, the legendary Joe McHugh, for a piece of toilet paper
"I wouldn't bother too much about it" said Joe, "That feller will be over The Cliffs of Moher before you can wipe his arse"
Jim Carroll

30 Oct 19 - 02:38 PM (#4016207)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

You guys know the Doc Watson one about the cow and the Quaker and the Baptist?

30 Oct 19 - 03:36 PM (#4016213)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

No - go on
Jim

30 Oct 19 - 10:50 PM (#4016249)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Ok, so, this Quaker owned a cow, and she was (hear Doc's voice here) the meanest milk-cow that ever was. One morning she had done everything wrong, waited for the bucket to be full then kicked it over, and so on. The Quaker just looked at her and said, well, Bossie, I can't strike thee... But on the morrow I'll sell thee to a Baptist, and he'll beat the hell out of thee!

02 Nov 19 - 07:28 AM (#4016806)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A male and a female rabbit weer being chased by a pack of hounds
One turned to the other and said, "Shall we go on running or stop for a break and outnumber them?"
Jim Carroll

03 Nov 19 - 06:00 PM (#4017081)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Republicans who USED to be against deficits, tariffs, brain drain and adultery all tested positive for Cult syndrome.

03 Nov 19 - 06:43 PM (#4017088)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

This is supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.

05 Nov 19 - 07:00 PM (#4017383)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Hear about the bloke who had five willies?


His underpants fit him like a glove...

06 Nov 19 - 07:33 PM (#4017609)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

One of the only light moments in one of the finest films I have seen '(Sorry We Missed You)

"How about the Amnesiac dyslexic who lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog"
Jim Carroll

08 Nov 19 - 05:50 AM (#4017873)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

"Amnesiac dyslexic "
Should read "Insomniac dyslexia' of course - a definite Freudian slip
Jim Carroll

08 Nov 19 - 05:58 AM (#4017875)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler

I liked this one from FB;
I was so annoyed at newspapers calling Farage's leadership a cult that I've started a campaign to teach journalists to spell.
RtS

15 Nov 19 - 03:28 PM (#4019426)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

"Daddy, Daddy, when I grow up I want to be a politician!"

"Now don't be silly, my lad. You can't do both..."

15 Nov 19 - 04:24 PM (#4019430)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

What is the dyslexic version of:
'Our dear old Queen'?

A realistic dyslexic sentence:
Trump tweets confession in confusion of President

15 Nov 19 - 04:30 PM (#4019431)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel. We all know how much Trump upsets you.

17 Nov 19 - 11:35 AM (#4019786)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

There is room for your psychoanalysis here too. Since you associate the classical form and format of the english joke with your dearly departed father, who was quite good at it, you have a defensive and protective nature as to its purity. Of course Freud could be a fraud and I could be totally forever unfunny. I know your answer already.

17 Nov 19 - 01:29 PM (#4019824)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Nope. A joke thread is about levity, having a giggle. Your obsessive references to Trump are just heavy and tedious.

There was a young woman from Exeter
So fine that the lads craned their necks at 'er
And one was to brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er

17 Nov 19 - 04:26 PM (#4019878)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

good one

17 Nov 19 - 04:57 PM (#4019887)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

One was SO brave. Reading specs, where art thou?

17 Nov 19 - 06:21 PM (#4019896)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: DMcG

On a similar theme:

There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the town clerk took advantage
Said the borough surveyor
"Indeed you must pay 'er.
You've totally altered her frontage."

17 Nov 19 - 07:38 PM (#4019906)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

From deep in the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar good gracious
Did Father Ignatious
Forget that the bishop has piles?

17 Nov 19 - 07:39 PM (#4019907)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Ignatious? Ignatius??

17 Nov 19 - 09:02 PM (#4019921)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his daughter, named Nan
Ran off with a man
And as for the bucket? Nantucket!

17 Nov 19 - 09:17 PM (#4019925)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina.
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

17 Nov 19 - 09:21 PM (#4019926)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Our new cinematic emporium
Is not just a super sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium

18 Nov 19 - 10:05 AM (#4020047)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

*Mine* was clean... Even though it rhymed Nantucket. Edward Gorey, anyone?

A young maid who was no good at tennis
At swimming was really a menace
She took pains to explain
"It depends how you train:
I was a streetwalker... in Venice.

Ayayayay
In China they do it for chili
So here comes another verse that's worse than the other verse
Now waltz me around again, Willy!

And now it's a music thread.

18 Nov 19 - 09:40 PM (#4020235)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

Now everyone likes a butch guy.
That's a fact that we cannot deny.
    But between butch and bitch
    Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I!

A young lady who lived near the Bosporus
Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinoceros.
    Said she, with a shriek,
    "His horn is unique
And leaves the men looking preposterous."

19 Nov 19 - 05:50 AM (#4020274)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

There was a young girl from Australia
Who tattooed her arse with a dahlia
The tattoo was fine
And the colours divine
The aroma, alas, was a failure

21 Nov 19 - 07:21 PM (#4020723)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Mommy how did Rudolf guide his sleigh through the storm?
"Rudolf the Red, knows rain, dear"

06 Dec 19 - 02:53 PM (#4022520)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Bloke went into the chemist and asked the pharmacist if he had anything for hiccups.

The pharmacist pretended to hunt the shelves for a remedy, but then, suddenly and unexpectedly, struck the bloke on the back so violently that he almost fell over.

"Oi, what the hell was that for!" shouted the bloke.

"Well sorry about that," replied the pharmacist, "but at least you haven't got hiccups!"

"No, but my wife outside in the car has!"

19 Dec 19 - 08:40 PM (#4024708)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Heard on the radio this evening.

A bloke said, at this time of year, I always love to dress up as Brad Pitt's ex-wife.



'Tis the season to be Jolie...

19 Dec 19 - 08:48 PM (#4024711)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Thats the spirit.

20 Dec 19 - 02:45 PM (#4024782)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Some Brits may understand this limerick.

There was a young vicar from Salisbury,
Whose manners were quite halisbury   scalisbury.
He would walk around Hampshire without any pampshire,
Until the Bishop insisted he walisbury.

21 Dec 19 - 08:37 PM (#4024784)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I don't get it! And be careful now, as Bishop Nick of Salisbury happens to be a friend of ours...

21 Dec 19 - 09:13 PM (#4024786)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

I got it.

DC

22 Dec 19 - 01:43 AM (#4024790)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Manitas_at_home

Steve, you have to think how Nick might sign himself in his official capacity.

22 Dec 19 - 09:09 AM (#4024876)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Donuel, you forgot he was Russian.

22 Dec 19 - 06:41 PM (#4024939)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Steve Shaw.... Salisbury = Sarum. Shortened version of Hampshire=    ..... do you get it now.?