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BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

31 Dec 18 - 05:04 AM (#3968983)
Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

April 1st


31 Dec 18 - 05:17 AM (#3968986)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Two miners getting on in years made a life-long habit of going for a drink together every Sunday morning.
One Sunday one knocked on his mate's door to accompany him down to the local
"Is Fred ready yet?" he asked when his mate's wife came to the door
I'm afraid I have some bad news", she replied, "He was in the garden last night pulling a head of cabbage for today's dinner when he had a heart attack and died"
"Jaysus missus Jones, that's awful, what will you do now ?"
"I'll have to open a tin of peas, I suppose"
Jim Carroll


31 Dec 18 - 11:59 PM (#3969176)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Andrez

One of the winners in a Cliché Competition seen in the the Daily Telegraph of London some years ago was:

"I hear what you're saying but, with all due respect, it's not exactly rocket science. Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is you have got to be able to tick all the boxes. It's not the end of the world as such but, to be perfectly honest with you, when push comes to shove, you don't want to be literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Going forward we all need to be on the same page and singing from the same song-sheet even if we can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take the rough with the smooth before proceeding onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said and done, this is all part and parcel of the ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean)".


Sounds a bit like all the Brexit hoo haa and palaver we hear coming from Pollies in the media these days!

Cheers,

Andrez


01 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM (#3969179)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?


01 Jan 19 - 04:30 AM (#3969187)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

"Look, my name is Joseph of Nazareth. You've given me a box with some straw in it. I asked to speak to the MANAGER!"


01 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM (#3969189)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

"Yes, it's a Yuletide log. I'll flush the toilet again in a minute."

Well, I've plucked the duck and covered it in grease. But now we need to leave the park."

(I get these from Mock The Week, which always has me in stitches)


01 Jan 19 - 06:05 PM (#3969296)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio"
A log with a face at one end, and presents inside. Kids have to beat it with sticks while singing a special song.

Literal translation is "shit log". I had to ask when I was there - didn't I?


02 Jan 19 - 04:02 AM (#3969330)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

"What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?"
What.... driving me mad ?

What's brown and sounds like a bell
DUNG
Jim Carroll


02 Jan 19 - 04:09 AM (#3969332)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

TROMBONES


Wha, Wha, Wha, Whaaaaaaaaaaaa.


02 Jan 19 - 04:41 AM (#3969337)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

That's a relief - thanks

A climber in the Swiss alps is hastily making his way down the foothills before the winter sets in when he falls and breaks his ankle and is rescued by a mountain shepherd
As it's too far from civilisation to get help, the shepherd takes him home, where he and his wife and daughter dress his ankle, feed him and give him a bed or the winter
Not having a radio or TV, they sing songs, tell stories, play games and keep him entertained throughout the winter until the snows begin to melt the following spring; they make a special effort to teach him their local tradition of yodeling

Come the spring, the farmer goes out daily to see how far he can get down he mountain while the climber and the wife and daughter wait at home for the news - the ankle is all but healed by this time
One day the farmer returns to find the climber in bed with his daughter
The climber flees, pulling up his trousers and the farmer begins to chase him down the mountainside shouting: "I took you in, healed you, fed you, gave you a bed and entertained you right through the winter - I even taught you how to yodel - and how do you repay me - you seduce my young daughter".
"And your old lay-ee-dee" sang back the climber
Jim Carroll


02 Jan 19 - 05:22 AM (#3969343)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahahaaaaaaaaagh!!!! These are making me die!!!!! :)

Oh please do some more you lot!!!


02 Jan 19 - 06:05 AM (#3969348)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Hi Sen' Happy New YEAR

"the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio""
THIS ALWAY MAKES ME SMILE THIS TIME OF YEAR
Jim


02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM (#3969351)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Happy New Year to you too Jim!
I've been to Barcelona quite a lot (years ago) and always giggled at the caganer.
I want that Trump one!!


02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM (#3969352)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos

They're not very good likenesses, are they?
The only one I recognised immediately was the Star Wars storm trooper (and I've never seen Star Wars; until recently I thought a light sabre was a 'light saver' - very ecological).


02 Jan 19 - 06:58 AM (#3969356)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

I went to the doctors the other day and told him I could not stop singing "The green, green grass of home"

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome.

I asked if that was rare.

He replied "It's not unusual"


02 Jan 19 - 07:05 AM (#3969357)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Not moving too far from this fundamental theme:
I discovered a new word from my local newsagent a couple of weeks ago
He is a native of Kilkee, a resort on the southern coast of this county, Clare, which was once the Summer watering-hole of the English landowners and rich farmers
Down there, they refer to tourists as 'Rookahs' - ,Rua' being a reference to 'red' (red haired') and ca, the childish word for 'shit (ca-ca)
In the big houses in Kilkee, it was the duty of the chambermaids to empty the chamber-pots over the cliffs into the sea
As only the wealthy in those days were the only ones who could afford red meat, the contents of the chamber-pots were invariably red in colour, so the tourists became known as 'rookahs' Red shits'
Bon appetít
Jim


02 Jan 19 - 07:12 AM (#3969358)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A man goes to the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor told him that, while embarrassing, it wasn't really serious
"This is a little different" said the man, "listen"
He bent over and let of an enormous fart which, intead of the usual sound, came out as "hondah"
"Strange" says the doctor, "drop your trousers and I'll examine you" - he did
Straightening up, the doctor said, "not too serious, you have an abscess"   
"What difference does that make?"
"Well" replied the doctor, "you mus know the old saying - abscess makes the fart go "hondah"
Jim


02 Jan 19 - 08:04 AM (#3969365)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Gary Delaney is really very funny, even if a bit crude.

"I decided to try and improve my lovemaking technique, so I got a DVD about it. Skipped the bit about foreplay though - too boring."

"Today I had beef casserole with big dumplings. I shouldn't really call her that, but she is a big girl."

"This morning I went to my Premature Ejaculation meeting. Unfortunately it's tomorrow."


02 Jan 19 - 09:12 AM (#3969381)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

The big dumplings one reminded me of Ronnie Barker in "Porridge".

They were talking about Pan's People and he commented there was one in particular that he liked.

"Lovely Babs. Can't remember her name..."


02 Jan 19 - 09:22 AM (#3969385)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Humour was so much less inhibited then wasn't it? Before the PC lot got going.
I'd be very amused at being labelled 'Big Dumplings' or 'Lovely Babs'. I certainly wouldn't burst into tears or fan my face with my hand like today's snowflakes.

There's a food stall in Hellesdon, Norfolk which always gives me a smile. It's called 'Big Baps' Burger Bar'. (and the apostrophe is in the right place!) The lady behind the counter has certainly got both the credentials...


02 Jan 19 - 10:04 AM (#3969390)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

I think there's a little difference between PC and actually giving offence - a fine line
I remember the problems over a character on Children's radio entitled 'Big Fat Rosie' where it was thought very funny when she jumped into a swimming pool and emptied it - did a lot of damage to some children with a weight problem who were awarded the name as a taunt at school
I think that in some cases "P.C." has become the refuge for bigots to strut their stuff
Sorry - didn't meant to inject an air of seriousness into this so-far pleasant thread

My favourite anti-racist joke (though it doesn't appear to be such at first):
A West Indian Londoner is told he is dying and the doctor asked him would he donate his heart to the local hospital
He agrees on the condition that he be told the name of the recipient, to which the doctor reluctantly acquiesces   
The donor knocks on the door of the recipient and is faced with a huge skinhead - swastika tattoos, pins in nose, spiky haircut - the lot.
Looking down at him, the skinhead demands, "What the **** do you want Sambo?"
Timidly, the man says, "I've been told I'm dying and you're going to get my heart"
"Thank **** for that", said the skinhead, "I thought you were coming to live next door"

And the Irish one:
A newly arrived Irish immigrant applied for a job as a builder with a high-class building firm and was offered the job on condition that he would prove his abilities by sitting a short oral test.
He was asked, "What's the difference between a joist and a girder
He answered, The First wrote Ulysses the second wrote Faust
Jim Carroll


02 Jan 19 - 10:19 AM (#3969393)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahahaaaa Jim! Love those two!

I was nicknamed 'Skinny Lizzie' at school (I was like a skeleton) after a character in Dandy comic called Tin Lizzie. Also the 'Galloping Hairpin' after the old footballer Jim Hammond. I quite liked these names.
Here's another Gary Delaney one:

"My grief counsellor died yesterday. Fortunately he was so good, I didn't give a shit."


02 Jan 19 - 11:18 AM (#3969396)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A lady elephant was making her way through the jungle when a rotten tree fell, trapping her trunk against the ground
Try as she might, she couldn't free herself and after a while she begins to worry she might starve to death
After many hours, along comes a mouse and, seeing her plight, begins to dig frantically until, late the following day, she manages to pull herself free
Beside herself with gratitude, she thanks the mouse profusely and asks him if there's any way she can repay him
He thinks hard and finally says; "Well, as ridiculous as it may sound, I've always wanted to make love to an elephant"
She immediately agrees, and the mouse begins to make passionate love to her
He almost reaches climax when a rotten branch falls from the tree they are under, giving her a sever blow on the head
She lets out a deafening roar, and the mouse asks "Sorry, am I hurting you?"
Jim


02 Jan 19 - 01:30 PM (#3969413)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

There's a tea caravan between Camelford and Wadebridge on the A39 called Nice Baps.


02 Jan 19 - 03:17 PM (#3969429)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

is it possible make a dodgy pun out of cobs or barm cakes?


02 Jan 19 - 03:32 PM (#3969434)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Jim, I told my husband your joke about the heart transplant donor and he's still laughing!
But he also said he's very glad our village neighbours accepted him 'living next door' from the first day we arrived. He often parodies Little Britain ('only gay in the village) and has a laugh with our neighbour by saying, "I'm the only black man in the village!" with quite a credible Welsh accent.


02 Jan 19 - 10:46 PM (#3969499)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

The first black man to move into a white neighborhood was out on a Saturday morning mowing the front lawn. A neighbor happened by & asked "Hey, boy, how much do you get for mowing that lawn?" He answered, "I don't actually get paid, but the lady of the house lets me sleep with her once in a while."


03 Jan 19 - 03:47 AM (#3969511)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahahaaaagh Joe F!! That could so easily apply to us! :)

These jokes are making a dull, dark January much brighter.


03 Jan 19 - 08:34 AM (#3969548)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A joke from wartime Liverpool
During World War two, two friends ran a chip-shop on Lime Street, which was a notorious red-light district.
Due to wartime conditions, potatoes were hard to come by and expensive and fish was virtually ungettable because of U-Boat activity in the North Sea, so trade dwindled to almost nothing
On night wile closing up one of the friends said to his mate; "I think we have to rethink how we are going about things; maybe we should close this down and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", says his mate, "if we can't sell fish and chips, we're never going to be able to sell soup"
   
Sen;
Again, at the risk of spoiling a highly-enjoyable thread, can I say that you are among the lucky ones and I wish you every success in that.
I lived in areas where foreigners were not so lucky and where personal abuse, vandalism and even physical attacks were commonplace - I knew several friends who were victims
Personally, I would rather err on the side of PC than stay silent when racism and sexism in the form of humour raises their ugly heads   
They may appear harmless, but they tend to make acceptable abuse that can and often is both hurtful and harmful
Sorry 'bout that
Jim


03 Jan 19 - 08:55 AM (#3969551)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

We are very lucky indeed Jim. Been in Norfolk for over forty years now, and I do realise it's not like other more urban areas, where racism and bigotry may be found. It's a little bubble of happiness here!
Our neighbours truly love my husband and don't patronise him. They have that dry Norfolk humour which outsiders might find a bit odd. He and they can laugh together, and he can imitate the Norfolk accent, which makes them die.
There is a very fine line between humour and nastiness, and I can see that being PC is an honest attempt to minimise the latter.
It's just that I come from a past generation when the world was a very different place!


03 Jan 19 - 09:01 AM (#3969553)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Here's another rude joke from Mock The Week:

Things not heard on TV adverts:
"Tesco penis extensions. 'Cos every little helps."
and:
"Four hoof-marks and a pile of poo. It's the sign of the Black Horse..."
"Is your lovely cat annoying you by being too affectionate? Have a break, have a shit cat."


03 Jan 19 - 10:02 AM (#3969566)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A Stranger sitting in a Mexican cantina overhears two farmers discussing the recent outbreak of banditry in the area at the next table.
Suddenly one of the men asks him, "Have you ever heard of Pedro the Bandit, stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the bandit? he replies, last week I was riding in the mountains when suddenly a masked stranger jumps out in front of me holding two guns.
"Put up your hands", he says - he has two guns, I have none, I put up my hands
"Now, give me all your money" he says, what choice do I have, I give him all my money.
"Now drop your trousers" he says, I don't hesitate, I drop my trousers.
"Now shit" he says, he doesn't have to tell me twice, I'm halfway there already
"Now eat it" - I don;'t think twice, I eat it.
Suddenly the masked man drops his guard, so I grab his gun and point it at him
"Put up your hands", I say - what choice does he have - he puts up his hands
"Now give me all your money" - like a shot he gives me all his money
"Now drop your trousers" - he obeys instantly and drops his trousers.
"Now shit" I say, I don't have top tell him, he has already done so
"Now eat it" he eats it as if he hadn't had a square meal for a week.

Do I know Pedro the Bandit? - didn't I have lunch with him only last week
Jim Carroll


03 Jan 19 - 10:23 AM (#3969571)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Bleur yuk Jim!!!! Heh heh :)

That sounds like Kevin Bloody Wilson, the Australian comedian/singer. He sings 'Manuel the Bandito' and it's much the same story. (On Youtube)

My all-time favourite of his is 'Santa Claus you c***!!! Where's me f****** bike?' Very crude but makes me scream.


03 Jan 19 - 10:40 AM (#3969575)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A seminarian about to become a full pries is walking through the seminary grounds when he comes to a stile, slips and falls face down in the mud
He looks at he mud covered clothes and says "Oh shit"
He slaps his hands to his mouth and says, "Fuck, I said shit"
He thinks about whe he has said and says, "shit, I said fuck"
Then he turns round and walks away in disgust saying "Ah bollocks, I didn't want to be a priest anyway"
Jim


03 Jan 19 - 07:44 PM (#3969693)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

From that spam telephone thread:

Tommy Cooper said that he rang someone up and said "Who's speaking, please?" A voice said to him "You are." :-)

Another of his: "I went to the ticket office at the station and said, can I have a return, please? The chap said, where to? I said, Here."

Another: "I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from."


04 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM (#3969736)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Tommy Cooper again
A man called on his mate to see if he was going for a pint - his mates wife said, Frank died of a heart attack last night
The caller paused a few seconds and said, "Did he say anything about a tin of paint?"

Did you know Beethoven was so deaf the thought he was a painter?
Jim


04 Jan 19 - 11:37 AM (#3969793)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

I hate false advertising that wastes my time. Youv'e seen those Suicide Help Hotlines. They won't help you do it.


05 Jan 19 - 05:42 AM (#3969906)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

After overeating very rich food during the Christmas period, a woman is suffering with severe flatulence. She goes to the doctor's and tells him "I can't stop farting Doctor ...bbrrrpp... It's not really smelly but ...bbrrrpp...the noise is really embarrassing".
"I see" said the doctor. "I'll give you a prescription for some tablets. Take one a day and come back and see me in two weeks".

When she goes back, she tells him "Those tablets made it worse. I'm still farting as much but now they absolutely stink".
"Good!" says the doc. "Now your sense of smell has been sorted out, we can work on the flatulence".

DC


07 Jan 19 - 07:58 PM (#3970467)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

A middle-aged woman has just got out of the shower and is looking at herself naked in the full-length bedroom mirror.

"Oh my God!" she laments to her husband. "Just look at me! Sagging tits, bum like a burst bag of broad beans, bat's wings, crow's feet, everything wrinkled...I'm a total wreck! For God's sake say something good about me and cheer me up!"

"Sure!" says he. "You have perfect eyesight..."


08 Jan 19 - 05:53 PM (#3970650)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Aaaagh! That could be describing me Steve!!

This isn't a joke, but a 'things children say' which I saw in the paper:-

A lady took her three year-old grandson for some lunch in a cafe. The waitress called out her order to the cook, "One bacon and egg, and one baked bean on toast." The child shouted, " But Nanny, I want a LOT of baked beans, not just one!"
This made me smile :)


08 Jan 19 - 07:47 PM (#3970670)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tattie Bogle

Cracker jokes are usually rubbish or total groan, but this one made me and a lady in a care home laugh (we'd gone to play them some jolly pre-Christmas music!)
"What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't come back?"
"Some day my prints will come".


09 Jan 19 - 07:12 PM (#3970851)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A woman visited her doctor for a minor ailment and, while there, expressed concern about her husband's recent behavior. It seemed that when he got the urge for a snack, instead of cookies, ice cream, or whatever, he would eat three or four dog biscuits. The doctor said that, while such behavior was unusual, it probably didn't pose any real health risks since pet products are inspected. As long as he was happy eating dog biscuits, there shouldn't be any need for concern.

About six months later, the woman returned to the same doctor for another minor problem. After the visit, the doctor asked how her husband was doing.

"Oh." said the woman, "He died a couple of months ago."

"Oh no!" exclaimed the doc, "It wasn't from eating dog biscuits was it?"

"No." replied the woman, "He was just sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car ran over him."


10 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM (#3970967)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

A resident of a retirement home, bored with the quiet life and looking for a little excitment, decided to do a streak around the garden. She stripped off and headed off at a run across the lawn, waving her hands in the air and sqeauling with glee. Two gentlemen sitting on the veranda looked up from their newspapers as they heard the noise.
"Good Heavens" said the first. "Wasn't that Marjory Pensworth?"
"Yes, I believe it was" said the second.
"What on Earth was she wearing?"asked the first.
Back came the reply "I don't know but whatever it was, it needed ironing".

DC


10 Jan 19 - 06:33 PM (#3970972)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.


10 Jan 19 - 06:38 PM (#3970973)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahaaaaaagh! These jokes are all excellent!:)

Q. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A. I'll tell you later.


15 Jan 19 - 09:53 AM (#3971551)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Not a joke as such, but this morning I saw that there was a day this week when lots of people went on the Tube (London Underground) with no trousers on!! It's called 'No Trousers Tube Ride' and it's now an annual event in early January.

Men and women wore only their underpants on their lower half, and ordinary clothes on the top. Nothing rude showing, but lots of photos on the internet of carriages with bare legs everywhere, and people's expressions perfectly normal and detached. So British!

I laughed and laughed - I've never seen anything so funny and quirky. Shades of Monty Python.
Just what's needed to brighten up the miserable, dreary January days!


15 Jan 19 - 02:09 PM (#3971588)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.


15 Jan 19 - 07:45 PM (#3971641)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Went to see Stan & Ollie tonight at the flicks. There were plenty of gentle gags, but I liked this one near the beginning, when Stan and Ollie were bemoaning their respective divorce experiences with regard to the amount of dough they'd had to pay out. Stan sez to Ollie, "I'm not getting married any more. I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just buy her a house."


16 Jan 19 - 06:25 PM (#3971820)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


17 Jan 19 - 10:01 AM (#3971850)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Rudolph can't have been Christian. He was a communist, Rudolph the Red. Tsk.


17 Jan 19 - 10:03 AM (#3971851)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Blimey, even though I thought that was funny I'm still in the wrong thread! :-)


17 Jan 19 - 10:09 AM (#3971854)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

Did I tell you the deja vu joke before?


17 Jan 19 - 10:14 AM (#3971855)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

Rudolph Popov, weather forecaster for State TV in communist USSR was always accurate with his wet weather forecasts. After all, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.


17 Jan 19 - 11:06 AM (#3971862)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Same joke, different setting:

The famous Viking explorer, Erik the Red, had a cousin named Rudolf the Red. Rudolf often sailed on voyages with Erik, serving as lookout.

On a voyage carrying settlers from Norway to Greenland, a mass of thunderclouds built up on the horizon and it looked like the longship was going to sail directly into them unless they changed course. Erik was about to instruct the helmsman to steer to the south when Rudolf pulled Erik aside and told him not to worry, that the rain would fall a bit to the north of their present course. So, the ship maintained course and, sure enough, the storm moved to the north, leaving them totally unscathed.

After the seeming narrow escape, a female settler approached Erik and asked how he knew the storm would narrowly miss them. "Well," replied Erik, "it was actually my cousin Rudolf who made the call. I always take his advice in such matters because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."


17 Jan 19 - 11:20 AM (#3971866)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

"We are going into month two of the government shutdown. I miss the good old days when at least we were governed by a mad English king"


17 Jan 19 - 11:27 AM (#3971867)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

"Republicans don't want to keep the government shut down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government, courts and FBI."


17 Jan 19 - 01:14 PM (#3971874)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

Why interrupt a perfectcly good joke thread, Donuel, with unfunny political comment?

DC


17 Jan 19 - 01:39 PM (#3971877)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: gillymor

It got so cold in Maine last week that the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed.”


17 Jan 19 - 02:03 PM (#3971878)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

'My girlfriend's dog died, and to cheer her up I got her another, identical one. She was furious. She said, "What am I going to do with TWO dead dogs?"


17 Jan 19 - 04:22 PM (#3971907)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

Old lady to her friend, "Relax Helen ol Dougie did not whistle at you,
he's wheezing."


18 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM (#3971964)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome

Two old chaps on the tube.

"Is this Wembley?"
"No it's Thursday."
"So am I. Lets get off and have a drink."


18 Jan 19 - 01:53 PM (#3972039)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: G-Force

I like the advert for viagra: it might not make you James Bond, but it'll make you Roger Moore.


19 Jan 19 - 12:41 PM (#3972230)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

An in the UK you can get it over the counter now.




If you buy enough......


19 Jan 19 - 01:44 PM (#3972237)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of Guinness, takes a swig, spits it out and empties it on the floor and says "piss"- he then spins on his heel and storms out
The next night he does the same, orders a Guinness, takes a swig, spits, empties o the floor, says "piss" and storms out
The third night the same man walks into the same bar
The barman, spotting him, says "piss off"
"In that case pull me a pint of bitter"
Jim Carroll


19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM (#3972242)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll


19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM (#3972243)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll


20 Jan 19 - 07:00 AM (#3972342)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

On a similar theme   
A down at heel travelling circus had one big attractions – a magnificent Mountain Gorilla who roared, thumped its chest and swung about the cage with such power, energy and charisma that people came for miles to see it strut its stuff
One morning its owner went to feed the beast and he saw it hunched down in the corner of its cage on its haunches, looking very miserable and lifeless
They tried everything to revive it – nothing worked – so they finally called in the vet who, after careful examination, declared that it desperately needed companionship, preferably of the opposite sex
Way out in the sticks, they couldn’t imaging where they should get such a companion so finally, they visited a theatrical costumiers in the nearby town, acquired a Gorilla costume and advertised locally for a volunteer to put it on and climb into the cage with the suffering animal
Eventually someone applied, but demanded a very high fee and a guarantee that he wouldn’t be hurt
A fee was agreed and he was assured that skilled staff would be on hand with nets and poles, should anything go amiss
The man climbed into the cage and sat quietly in the centre – the gorilla edged over, sniffed, shambled around, prodded curiously and slipped its arm over the man’s shoulders
Eventually, it began to stroke and fondle the man passionately and it became very, very obvious that it wished to the relationship to the next stage
The man leap up and began to shout “Take it off, take it off”
The observers standing by rushed into the cage and began to force the animal into the corner
The man said, “No, no, I meant take off the suit; I want to kiss it”
Jim Carroll


21 Jan 19 - 05:48 AM (#3972575)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: HuwG

Last Valentine's Day, I was driving home and suddenly remembered I hadn't bought my girlfriend any flowers. So I dived into the nearest garage, grabbed a bunch and tried to buy them. Arrgh! the card reader was out of order, and I had hardly any cash on me. I suggested to the assistant that I take the flowers, leaving my spare tyre as collateral, and sort matters out the next day.

It's been a Goodyear for the roses.


21 Jan 19 - 08:31 AM (#3972614)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

What's square and blue?
A banana in disguise.


23 Jan 19 - 01:01 PM (#3973112)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me …Well I am one!!! and they’re not laughing now!!!!


24 Jan 19 - 07:46 AM (#3973233)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A gambling addict who lost almost all his money on greyhounds decided to take his last few quid and lay them on one big race.
As he made his way to the booth he was accosted by a man who told him of this wonderful dog who was so fast it could out-run everything on the track - he qualified this by explaining one fault - it was used to a clockwise track and this was an anti-clockwise one, "but have no doubt it can overcome this, he's so fast"
Sure enough, the race started and at the first bend, where he was way out in front, the dog turned into the crowd rather than following the track, but immediately spun round and shortly overtook the other dogs - second bend the same, and the third.... right to the end of the race
At he finishing post the dog was a nose behind the winner due to his problem
The punter was in despair as he left the stadium and the tipster caught him up and apologised profusely.
"Not you fault", says the punter, "He's an amazing dog"
"That fault could be curd easily" he added," they could put a small piece of lead in his ear; that'd cure it"
"Wouldn't it fall out" says the tipster?
"Not if the put it in properly - they'd have to use a ****** gun"
Jim Carroll


24 Jan 19 - 09:07 AM (#3973249)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Senoufou, you reminded me of an old joke, what goes black&white, black&white, black&white, and then turns purple?

A nun falling down the stairs.


25 Jan 19 - 08:58 AM (#3973460)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Hahahaaaaagh Mrrzy!! I like that one!

There's a funny cartoon in the paper this morning.
Some men on board a ship, wearing bandanas and big earrings. They're doing strenuous exercises.
The caption reads, "Pilates of Penzance" !


25 Jan 19 - 09:04 AM (#3973461)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos

I've got the Pilates pun and drawing on my Steve Drew calendar - I wonder if two people came up with the same idea, or someone was 'influenced'. (Unless, of course, your cartoon is by Steve Drew.)


25 Jan 19 - 09:33 AM (#3973466)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

I've just had a look Jos (It was the Daily Mail, but don't tell Steve Shaw, he'll be sick!) It says Odd Streak by Tony Lopes.


25 Jan 19 - 11:05 AM (#3973476)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos

Apologies, Steve Drew's drawing is 'Pilates of the Caribbean' - maybe it's just a case of two minds thinking [almost] alike.


25 Jan 19 - 11:21 AM (#3973482)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: DMcG

Another non-joke but "things children say". We were taking my grandson out as said we were going to a park he had been to before. He said he hadn't because he was three.


25 Jan 19 - 12:11 PM (#3973489)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Children's story

An extremely vexatious child refused to eat its meal, dismissing all the different dishes put before him
In despair, the mother finally demanded of the little horror, "Well, what DO you want ?"
"Worms" came the snapped reply.
His mother protested, but at last gave in, went into the garden and returned with a bowl-ful of worms which she carefully washed under the tap and finally set them before the fractious little brat,
He stared at them and demanded "Want them warmed up"
Reluctantly she obliged and placed them in warm water and gently heated them, finally placing them before him"
"Want some custard on them" he grunted; again she obliged and once more set the worms before him
"You taste them first", he demanded, the harassed mother protested that she would do no such thing until, once again, she finally gave in, screwed up her face, took a spoonful of worms and shoveled them down
The child let out a loud scream and burst into floods of tears.
At her wit's end, the poor mother demanded "I've given you everything you asked for, what's the matter now?"
"You've eaten the bit I wanted", the child howled in reply
Jim


26 Jan 19 - 02:56 PM (#3973590)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

What is black&white & red all over and can't turn around in the elevator?

A nun with a spear through her head.


26 Jan 19 - 03:15 PM (#3973595)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Another 'things children say' account by a real-life grandmother (letter in the paper):-

Granny had taken her little grandson out for tea and it was time to take him home. He didn't want to go home yet and kept trying to delay things.
They passed a building with a sign outside, and he piped up,
"Oh look Granny, ice creams! Can we stop there?"
"No dear, it's not an ice-cream shop, it's a care home for very old people."
"Well, we could go in and look at them couldn't we?"


27 Jan 19 - 10:11 AM (#3973696)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

I woke up in the hospital and police said they had investigated my incident. They thought the other driver had a speed reading related text accident.

I'm getting more into astronomy so I installed a sky light.
My upstairs neighbors were furious.

I got an answering machine so I programed it with a recording of a busy signal.

I lost a button hole?!

I parked my car in a tow away Zone at Twillight. When I came back the whole area was gone.

I have a switch that doesn't turn on lights or anything so I switch it back and forth to keep checking it. A woman from Sussex emailed me "cut it out!".

I've written several children's books but not on purpose. They were supposed to be Cosmology.

The FBI are investigating me because I emailed Roger Stone, Manifort and Robert Durst back in 2016. Now I'm the only one not in jail.

I saw a beautiful woman in Walmart so I chatted, "would you like to have a coffee with me". She said "I only go out with Jewish cowboys". I said its nice to meet you, my name is Bucky Goldstein.


27 Jan 19 - 12:15 PM (#3973713)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

I caught a bad case of HDADD. I don't pay attention but when I do the detail is amazing. I saw for the first time the Earth is bi-polar.


27 Jan 19 - 01:28 PM (#3973725)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again...


28 Jan 19 - 12:04 PM (#3973843)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

"I'm glad to hear it."
Shauden Freuda


29 Jan 19 - 07:02 AM (#3973946)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Visual joke
Just after WW2 a man walked into a pub like this (right hand pulled up into sleeve)
The barman said - "where did you get that ?"
"Dunkirk", came the reply
The barman pulled hi a free pint
Shortly after, a man walked in like this (left hand pulled into sleeve)
The barman asked him "Where did you get that"
"Anzio" came the reply
Another free pint
An hour late yet another man came in like this (both hands pulled into sleeves)
"Where did you get that?" asks the barman
"Burton's - it's ****** going back in the morning"   
Jim Carroll


30 Jan 19 - 03:07 AM (#3974086)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

Was going to put this up on 'A Cautionary Tale' but probably bad taste

Presidentof Ireland, Eamon DeValera was visiting a mental institution when he was intoduced to a timid-looking man sitting alone gazing out of the window
They became engaged in deep conversation and the man began to explain how it was all a dreadful mistake for him to be incarcerated in the institution as there was nothing wrong with his mental health
After half-an-hour he managed to persuade Dev of his case - the President promised solemnly that he would look into the matter as soon as possible
When he turned to go the man picked up his chair, smashed it over Dev's head and said, "Don't forget your promise now, will you?"
Jim Carroll


30 Jan 19 - 03:37 PM (#3974163)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A young woman, obviously a member of the of the oldest profession, took a seat on a stool beside a man at a bar, leaned over and whispered in his ear, "If you can say it in three words, I'll do it for a hundred dollars."

The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house."


30 Jan 19 - 03:43 PM (#3974165)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

I asked some guys drinking beer why they like beer so much.
An English guy said because beer makes me a jolly good fellow.
The American said I like em when they are cold and tall.
A weaving guy said, cuz I'm good at it, thats all.
A Republican said, I like beer like my women, on the edge of unconsciousness.


30 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM (#3974177)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

Patient: "My friends made this appointment. They said I need help because I like pancakes."
Psychiatrist: "Really! There's nothing wrong with liking pancakes. I like pancakes myself."
"Do you? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."


31 Jan 19 - 03:48 AM (#3974222)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

"The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house.""
A wealthy man came out of his front door to find the painter he had hired had painted his expensive classic car with weatherproof paint
He spun on him and snapped, I said paint the porch, you feckin' eejit"
Jim Carroll


31 Jan 19 - 11:22 AM (#3974240)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Hear about the chap with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...


01 Feb 19 - 03:39 AM (#3974321)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A mouse was crossing Lime Street in the days when it was at its height as Liverpool's red-light district.
As it crossed the tramlines it mis-timed it and its tail was cut off by the front wheels of a passing tram
It turned around to rescue the tail, thinking it could be sewn back on, when the back wheels cut it's head off cleanly
Moral of the story:
Never lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim Carroll


01 Feb 19 - 02:13 PM (#3974414)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!


03 Feb 19 - 03:22 PM (#3974705)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Went to the doctor's this morning. What's up with me, doc? I asked. You've got hypochondria, he said. I'm not surprised, I said, I've had everything else...


03 Feb 19 - 03:45 PM (#3974708)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Michael

"Saw the doctor this morning." "Oh, what did he say?" "Nothing he didn't see me, I was hiding."

Monty Python


06 Feb 19 - 05:11 AM (#3975083)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel

If I melted dry ice in an empty pool could I go swimming without getting wet?


06 Feb 19 - 09:53 AM (#3975125)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

Dry ice doesn't melt. Duh.


06 Feb 19 - 10:01 AM (#3975129)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving as police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!


06 Feb 19 - 10:14 AM (#3975133)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

(This is an old one)

Review of a restaurant on the moon:
'Great food. No atmosphere.'


06 Feb 19 - 11:14 AM (#3975143)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

While we are in the recycling bin...

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

[Say it slowly...]


06 Feb 19 - 03:10 PM (#3975169)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard

Senoufou, shouldn't that - regarding moon's weak gravity - be

"Light food. No atmosphere."?


06 Feb 19 - 03:38 PM (#3975171)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou

Haha MudGuard, that's true!

Mrrzy, that sounds like a Chinaman needing the dentist :)


07 Feb 19 - 03:42 AM (#3975225)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: BobL

I'm reminded that many years ago the Good Beer Guide reviewed some TV ads by brewers, one of which featured astronauts on the Moon. Their comment:
"It's bleak, it's barren and there's no atmosphere. Yes, it's a Watney's pub."


07 Feb 19 - 04:04 AM (#3975229)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.


A local dentist that put on a few ceilidhs told me when they installed a new alarm system the release code number was - you guessed it.


07 Feb 19 - 06:38 AM (#3975257)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Ha ha! Ok, how do lawyers sleep? Well, first they lie on one side, then they lie on the other...


08 Feb 19 - 05:32 AM (#3975450)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler

Batman and Robin left the Batcave for the Batgarage to go to the Batshops. The Batmobile wouldn't start, so Batman looked under the Bathood. "It's the battery, Robin" said Batman. "What's an Attery?" asked Robin.
RtS


08 Feb 19 - 01:25 PM (#3975568)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard

What's a "tery", Robin should have asked, as it wasn't the "batattery".


10 Feb 19 - 04:19 AM (#3975841)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red

if one cylinder went sick it would sound like a batattery!


10 Feb 19 - 12:12 PM (#3975926)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

Some recently deceased people were queuing at the gates of Heaven to get in. St Peter said to the first man "All you thought about in your time on Earth was money, money, money. Even your wife's name was Penny. I'm sorry, you can't come in. You'll have to go to the other place.

As the second man stepped forward, St Peter said "I'm afraid you succumbed to the demon drink. You were never sober. You even married a girl called Sherry. Go to Hell!"

A couple standing at the back of the queue overheard the conversations. The husband turned to his wife and said " Come on Fanny, we're not hanging round here to be insulted".

DC


10 Feb 19 - 04:41 PM (#3975991)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

On the subject of dentists. I need to see mine this week... I hate seeing her... she always looks down in the mouth!


11 Feb 19 - 06:57 AM (#3976103)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A young feller starts work on a sheep farm in the Outback - after the first few weeks be begins to feel the lack of female company
On enquiring he is told be his workmates, "There's always the sheep"
He protests, outraged and is told, "We all do it"
Eventually he comes around to the idea, climbs into the pen, selects a ewe and starts giving it the business
He looks up to see all his mates standing around the fence splitting the guts laughing.
"What are you laughing at - you said you all do it?"
"We do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll


12 Feb 19 - 08:37 AM (#3976308)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

There is a version of that with camels, where he was supposed to ride it to town to the whorehouse...!


12 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM (#3976313)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler

Gag recycled from sax player Alan Barnes:
If it wasn't for pickpockets I wouldn't have a sex life.
RtS


12 Feb 19 - 09:39 AM (#3976319)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

"Camels"
During WW2 a Tommy was loaned a camel by an Arab driver to help him carry out his duties
He was unable to get the beast to move so he sought assiatance from his benefactor
He was told, "You get behind the beast with two stones in your hands - you'll find its balls protrude behind it so you take the stones and slap them together catching the balls between them"
The soldier winced and asked; "doesn't that hurt?"
"Not if you don't trap your fingers, it doesn't".
Jim


13 Feb 19 - 02:55 PM (#3976557)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard

A mathematician is offered a choice by a fairy:
he may either get a bacon-lettuce-tomato-sandwich, or everlasting happiness.

What does he choose?

Obviously, he takes the sandwich!


Why?










.



.



.




.




.




.





Because:

nothing is better than everlasting happiness,
and one BLT-Sandwich is better than nothing ...


14 Feb 19 - 05:58 PM (#3976748)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

Does a drive-in cinema have wall-to-wall car petting?

DC


14 Feb 19 - 06:28 PM (#3976752)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

The new local cinematorium
Is not only a super sensorium.
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual,
Mutual masturbatorium.


15 Feb 19 - 05:52 PM (#3976951)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing their, you don't appreciate the gravity of the situation.


17 Feb 19 - 06:08 AM (#3977284)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick

A man comes home late one evening and says to his wife "Cancel the milk. I've just heard from some blokes in the pub that our milkman has a terrible reputation. When the men are out at work, he visits the houses on his round and plays fast and loose with their wives. Apparently, he's been boasting that he's had every woman in our street except one".

"Really?" said his wife. "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Mrs Jones from number 15".

DC


17 Feb 19 - 05:05 PM (#3977442)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tradsinger

Two vicars were talking. One says "I think all this premarital sex is disgusting. I never made love to my wife before we were married, did you?" The other vicar replies "I'm not sure. What was her name?"

Man walks into a bar - orders 3 pints and a double whisky and says to the barman "I shouldn't really be drinking all this with what I've got." The barman asks "Why, what have you got?" The man says "25p".


19 Feb 19 - 05:44 AM (#3977726)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver

Bought a brand new 50 inch television today. It was reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could anyone turn it down.


19 Feb 19 - 06:01 AM (#3977730)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

A teacher in Liverpool once asked be as I was approaching school leaving age - "What do you want to bee or a wasp?"
Jim Carroll


19 Feb 19 - 07:47 AM (#3977753)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw

I knew one teacher who, when telling a kid off, would roar in his face " Don't you DARE open your mouth when you're talking to ME, boy!"


19 Feb 19 - 09:20 AM (#3977760)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll

The teacher comes into class one morning to find someone has left a steaming turd in the middle of his desk
He demands to know who has left in there, nobody owns up
He threatens to keep the entire class in after school until somebody confess , still nobody confesses
At his wits end, he tells the class, "Right, what I'll do, I'll draw the blings, leave the room and stay out for five minutes and will forget all this happened if someone just removes it.
He turns to find another turd next to the turd and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again".   
Jim Carroll


22 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM (#3978360)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy

Movie critic: performances in this film were uniformly outstanding! I had to turn off the tube and cogitate.