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The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch

19 Mar 19 - 04:22 PM (#3983188)
Subject: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: Vic Smith

The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch

(Scene: The House of Commons All the members enter in one huge group)
Members: 'Ello, We wish to register a complaint.
(The PM does not respond.)
Members (all speaking together): 'Ello, Miss?
Prime Minister: What do you mean "miss"?
M: We're sorry, We have colds. We wish to make a complaint!
PM: We're closin' for the Easter recess.
M: Never mind that, my PM. We wish to complain about this Brexit plan which you have already brought twice to this very House of Commons.
PM: Oh yes, the, uh, the Not The Norwegian Blue Plan...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
M: We'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
PM: No, no, it's uh,'s.... waiting for a majority.
M: Look, matey, We know a dead Brexit Plan when we see one, and we're looking at one right now.
PM: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable plan , the Not the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful wordage!
M: The wordage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
PM: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
M: All right then, if It's restin', we'll wake it up by voting on it!
(They vote. The Not the Norwegian Blue Plan fails by over 200 votes)
'Ello, Mister Not The Norwegian Blue Plan! I've got a lovely lobby for you to pass through if you show...(PM hits the Plan)
PM: There, he moved!
M: No, it didn't, that was you trying to fiddle the DUP votes!
PM: I never!!
M: Yes, you did!
PM: I never, never did anything...
M: (yelling and hitting the Brexit plan repeatedly) 'ELLO BREXIT PLAN!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your seven o'clock voting bell!
(Members takes the plan out of its box and thump it on the mace. They throw it up in the air and watch as it plummets to the floor.)
M: Now that's what we call a dead plan.
PM: No, no.....No, it's just waiting for me to go the Brussels again to get more concessions!
PM : Yeah! You voted him down, just as he was wakin' up! Not the Norwegian Blues are voted down easily, major.
M: look, mate, We've definitely 'ad enough of this. That plan is definitely deceased, and when we voted on a second time not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following prolonged flights back and forwards to Brussels.
PM: Well, it''s, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
M: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on his back twice the moment we voted on it?
PM: The Norwegian Blue plan prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable plan, id'nit, squire? Lovely wordage!
M: Look, We took the liberty of examining that plan during two fill day debate, and we discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on the woolpack in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
PM: No no! it'ss pining!
M: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the woolsack it's be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, It's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!

PM: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (PM looks for a replacement) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of plans.
M: Ww see. We see, We get the picture.
PM: I got a No Deal Exit.
M: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it work?
PM: Nnnnot really.

M: We're not prepared to pursue this line of inquiry any longer as we think this is getting too silly!
JOHN BERCOW: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...

19 Mar 19 - 05:58 PM (#3983201)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: Steve Gardham

Brilliant, Vic!

19 Mar 19 - 06:04 PM (#3983202)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: Dave the Gnome

Norwegian blue plan?

That's just project fjord.

20 Mar 19 - 02:26 AM (#3983250)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: GUEST,Psssst

Even funnier AND TRUE:

”The Deal” by The Bruges Group:

On Monday July 9th 2018, several leading French, German and Dutch senior managers were called by EU officials to an urgent meeting.
The meeting was said to be private and those present were informed that Prime Minister May and Chancellor Merkel had reached an Agreement over Brexit. Knowledge of this was attained from the actual transcript of the meeting between May and Merkel.
1) The Agreement was couched in a way to 'appease' the Brexit voters.
2) The Agreement would enable May to get rid of those people in her party who were against progress and unity in the EU.
3) Both Merkel and May agreed that the likely course of events would be that UK would re-join the EU in full at some time after the next general election.
4) May agreed to keep as many EU laws and institutions as she could despite the current groundswell of 'anti-EU hysteria' in Britain (May's own words, apparently.)
5) Merkel and May agreed that the only realistic future for the UK was within the EU.
The original Agreement draft was completed in May 2018 in Berlin
and then sent to the UK Government Cabinet Office marked 'Secret'.
NB This Agreement draft was authored in the German Chancellor's private office.
The Cabinet returned the Agreement draft with suggestions, and there was some to-ing and fro-ing during June 5th 2018.
Private calls between the Prime Minister and Chancellor were made.
The Agreement's final draft came out late in June 2018. The German Chancellor told Prime Minister May that this was a deal she would support, though there would need to be some more small concessions by the UK to keep the EU happy.
The Chancellor and Prime Minister met in Germany. Merkel had this meeting recorded as a 'private meeting' though the Prime Minister was probably unaware of that.
The Chancellor had the transcript of that meeting circulated secretly to EU and key German embassies.
Documents make it quite clear that Prime Minister May was negotiating with Germany, not the EU.
The transcript also makes it clear that the Prime Minister intended to keep all this secret from minsters, especially the Government Department set up to oversee and negotiate Brexit.
She wants to keep as many EU institutions in UK as intact as possible in order to facilitate an easy return to the EU after 2020.
Chancellor Merkel briefed May on tactics to force Cabinet approval.
The Prime Minister and senior civil servants were working with Germany to stop Brexit or water it down to prevent free trade and the ending of freedom of movement, but to keep cash flowing to the EU.
David Davis was kept in the dark while key EU premiers in France, Holland and Ireland were briefed in full.

Alternatively there is always:

British Jobs Destroyed by the EU

In answer to the 'business' leaders wheeled out by Theresa May in support of her dirty deal, it might be a good time to look at the swathes of British industry lost to this country in recent years.

Cadbury moved factory to Poland in 2011 with an EU grant.

Ford Transit moved to Turkey in 2013 with an EU grant.

Janguar Land Rover (in 2015/16) agreed to build a new plant in Slovakia with an EU grant. Owned by Tata, the same company that trashed our steel works and emptied the workers' pension funds.

Peugeot closed its Ryton plant (formerly run by Rootes Group) and moved production to Slovakia with an EU grant.

The British Army's new Ajax fighting vehicles are being built in Spain using Swedish steel, at the request of the EU in an effort to support jobs in Spain. Wales was the alternative. Again, this is with an EU grant.

Dyson has gone to Malaysia, with an EU loan.

Crown Closures, Bournemouth (formerly Metal Box), which once employed 1,200 people, went to Poland with an EU grant.

M&S manufacturing went to the Far East with an EU loan.

Hornby Models is gone. In fact, all toys and models are now gone from the UK, along with the patents, all with EU grants.

Gillette went to Eastern Europe, with an EU grant.

Texas Instruments, Greenock, went to Germany with an EU grant.

Indesit at Bodelwyddan, Wales, relocated with an EU grant.

Sekisui Alveo planned to move production from its Merthyr Tydfil industrial Park foam plant to Roermond in the Netherlands, with EU funding.

All done BEFORE the EU referendum. So the UK as second largest net-contributor to the EU's coffers means that the British Government pays British money to the EU so that through EU Grants and Loans businesses employing British workers are encouraged to relocate outside of the UK - This is what the EU is really about.

20 Mar 19 - 05:45 AM (#3983284)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: GUEST,Grishka

"Funny" also that the original Parrot Sketch was set in a pet shop, whereas Vic's version plays in a taxidermy workshop. Norwegian, Swiss and Canadian birds are known to fly outside, but nobody wants them.

20 Mar 19 - 08:26 AM (#3983328)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: FreddyHeadey

Thanks Vic.
I enjoyed that.

Do we all have a big tendency to read and believe only what we want to believe!?
I think I do.
I was very unsure\unhappy about psssst's claims of EU money for Ford.
So I found this instead

"... In 2012 Ford did receive a loan from the European Investment Bank (EIB), an EU institution, of around£0.150 billion for a factory in Turkey.
The loan was not to relocate, as Hannan says, though it occurred around the same time as Ford chose to close its factory in Southampton.

As such, the loan stirred controversy in local newspapers. But it should be put in context of EIB lending in Britain, which was worth around £6 billion last year.
EIB loans fund projects like Crossrail and the Midlands Metropolitan Hospital in Birmingham.
Notably, the bank lent Ford £0.450 billion in 2010 to develop a new generation of greener vehicles in the UK.

That is on top of the £13 billion in EU structural and investment funds that we are due to receive over the current 7-year budget period.
In addition, we are the second-largest recipient of EU research funds, which benefit companies like Ford, Marks & Spencer and JLR."

20 Mar 19 - 01:02 PM (#3983405)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: GUEST,Psssst

Very interesting Freddy - But so is this - particularly the bit at the end:

£10m of UK Government cash was approved to help British Ford operations just days before the Swaythling bombshell was dropped.

The £80m EU loan to ramp up production of Transit vans in Turkey was signed off just months before Ford’s devastating Southampton announcement.

The loan from the European Union’s bank, was agreed in June as part of a billion dollar investment plan – about £600m – for Ford’s sprawling 395-acre site in Kocaeli which is taking over production of Transits from Southampton.

The government knew about the plan put in place to take the jobs at Ford away from Southampton and move them to Turkey.

Workers were never consulted over the details.

Chancellor George Osborne is one of the EU bank’s governors.

The Treasury has declined to comment.

Hampshire Lib Dem MEP Catherine Bearder said the Southampton job losses were “very disappointing”.

She said: “I can’t understand why the European investment Bank appears to have allocated funding in direct competition to jobs within the European Union.

“I will be questioning the people behind the decision to find out if the job losses in Southampton, Dagenham and Belgium were factored in when the cheque was written.”

The application for the loan from the European Investment Bank was made in October last year to finance the modernisation of the plant for the next generation of Transit vans.

Ford announced last week it planned to close its Swaythling factory in July with the loss of more than 500 jobs due to a sharp fall in European car sales.

Ford is forecasting European losses of £930m ($1.5bn) and said it could sustain two Transit factories.
[It shut down production in the EU by closing Swaythling to concentrate production entirely outside the EU in Turkey and the USA]

A presentation for potential investors reveals that Ford Otosan, the company that runs the Turkish plant in partnership with Ford, had sales of £3.9bn ($6.3bn) last year and made a £245m ($396m) net profit.

It sold 35,000 Transits in Turkey last year and shipped 148,000 abroad.

Ford plans to increase its Transit production capacity there from 210,000 to 290,000 vans a year by 2014.

The Southampton plant, which assembled 28,000 Transits last year and has been making them since 1972, has seen its workforce reduced in recent years to just 500, operating on a single shift.

It is due to close despite the Transit remaining the UK’s number one commercial van with sales of around 60,000 last year.

Union bosses have said Ford’s decision to invest in its cheaper overseas factories such as Kocaeli were the “death knell” for Southampton.

The eight-year loan, with a two year grace period and a two per cent interest rate, is seen as extremely cheap money when Turkish inflation is running at around nine per cent.

The European Investment Bank was unavailable to comment on whether any guarantees on jobs in the UK was sought prior to agreeing the Turkey loan.

The EIB is the European Union’s bank, owned by the 27 member states, and lends out money to various growth and jobs promoting projects across the EU and its borders.

BRITAIN IS JOINT TOP CONTRIBUTOR TO THE BANK'S CORE FUNDS along with Germany, France and Italy, putting up around £30bn each.

What funds the EIB allocates for use in the EU is not the issue Freddy, Britain after all after Germany is the EU's biggest net-contributor - what the EU and the EIB should NOT be doing is funding foreign competition at the expense of jobs in EU countries.

20 Mar 19 - 01:18 PM (#3983409)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: GUEST,Grishka

Gentlemen (- all of us are male, aren't we?), discussing those conspiracy theories once more will surely get this thread below the BS equator. (BTW: any change will have its winners and losers, and the line between them rarely coincides with country boundaries. This includes funding jobs in other countries, done and justified publicly before the eyes of all electorates.)

Here we may discuss about the aptness of the Dead Parrot comparison. Who made Mrs. May PM, anyway, and with what intention? Where is a live bird in sight?

20 Mar 19 - 03:09 PM (#3983443)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: GUEST,Psssst

Ah the aptness of the "Dead Parrot comparison":

PM: Oh yes, the, uh, the Not The Norwegian Blue Plan...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
M: We'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Ask the EU if May's Deal is dead. According to them it is the ONLY deal they will consider, no further negotiations, no further concessions - It would appear that it is Parliament that has deluded itself into thinking that they can influence the negotiations that have always been the sole preserve of the British Government and the EU Commission.

In accordance with UK Law and the Treaty of Lisbon Article 50 if the deal already agreed by May and all 27 other EU member states is not accepted by Parliament the the default is that the UK leaves on the 29th March, 2019 WITH NO DEAL.

Tonight they have stated that the granting of any extension is conditional on Parliament accepting May's deal - you know the one the one that Parliament thinks is a dead parrot.

20 Mar 19 - 04:31 PM (#3983457)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: GUEST,Grishka

Everybody knows that the so-called "deal" has no majority, although it does not even deserve that name, since it would actually leave the most important parts to future negotiations. Everybody knows that all the changes made in the past weeks are only cosmetic, to provide a pretext to those MPs who are willing to change their minds - for quite different reasons, of course. It is a game for lots of money and power, not about denocracy (haha!). The "deal" may or may not be resurrected in the course of the game, as may all other options on the table.

The Dead Parrot, on the other hand, came from a shop full of live birds and was sold to an initially unsuspecting customer. This has more resemblance to the Brexit referendum of 2016. If any MP has ever been so naive to take that for face value, s/he must have learned better by now. Who is really surprised that Mrs. May is not Harry Potter?

20 Mar 19 - 04:54 PM (#3983462)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: Steve Gardham

Ah but what about Voldemort?

20 Mar 19 - 05:33 PM (#3983471)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: Vic Smith

Ah but what about Voldemort?
For anyone who is confused about Steve's comment above, Voldemort is a character in the famed book Harry Potter and the Deathly Parrot. The book is a parable with a number of thinly disguised characters and institutions. For example, in the book the Department for Exiting the European Union becomes "The Ministry of Magic" whose main function is to spread outrageous lies and exaggerated falsehoods, a very good example of these ridiculous unsupported claims have been very usefully set out for us in this thread in the post at 20 Mar 19 - 01:02 PM. The evil Voldemort bears a very close resemblance to Jacob Rees-Mogg and ghostly unreal Death Eaters are the European Research Group.
The book's author wanted to find a place for a character to represent Boris Johnson but as she was unable to to create a buffoon character that was as ridiculous as the real life person, she wrote that character out of the book.

20 Mar 19 - 05:52 PM (#3983472)
Subject: RE: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
From: GUEST,Psssst

the so-called "deal" has no majority But Grishka that deal [aka Withdrawal Agreement], the precursor to whatever Trade Agreement emerges in the next round of negotiations, is the only one that has won the unanimous agreement of the British Government and all 27 EU Member States - the two parties actually involved in discussions.

Let's face it the ONLY place where this "deal" has no majority is in the country (UK) and in the Houses of Parliament and in the latter nobody there has got the guts to freely admit to the electorate of the UK that they do not want Brexit even although 86% of them were elected on the promise that they would honour and implement the decision to leave the EU. Rather strange as they voted by thumpingly huge majorities to Trigger Article 50 {So everyone was aware of the timescale and the "no deal" default} and by an even bigger majority for the European Withdrawal Bill that set the date of leaving in stone - Thanks Gina.