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BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

01 Jan 20 - 11:38 PM (#4025857)
Subject: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A guitarist and his wife were celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary. They had decided to meet at a restaurant after work. The wife arrived at the restaurant at the appointed time, but the husband was nowhere to be found. So, she called him on his mobile phone and asked why he wasn't there.

"Well," he explained, "remember a few years ago we stopped into a little jewelry store on 34th Street and you fell in love with a sapphire necklace but we didn't have the money for it and I promised you that one day we'd have the money and I'd buy it for you?"

"Oh, my!" she excitedly replied, "Of course I remember! Do you mean it's still there?"

"I have no idea," he answered, "I'm in the guitar store next door and they have this really great old Martin D-18 for sale...."


02 Jan 20 - 03:09 AM (#4025866)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Dave the Gnome

Man walks into a dentist's and says "I think I'm a moth!"

The dentist replied "I think you need the psychiatrist. I'm a dentist."

"I know", says the man.

"Well, why did you come in here then?" Asks the dentist.

"The light was on"


02 Jan 20 - 06:10 AM (#4025888)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

A man in a canoe got cold so he lit a fire. It burned a hole in the bottom and the boat sank.


Which goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


02 Jan 20 - 07:06 AM (#4025904)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

An elderly couple were watching the tv and the husband had the remote.
He kept changing back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing programme.
"For heaven's sake" said his wife "leave it on the porn channel, you know how to fish".


02 Jan 20 - 07:12 AM (#4025907)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

A+ }^)


02 Jan 20 - 07:42 AM (#4025915)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Pete from seven stars link

Then there was the Scotsman walking past a restaurant and his wife enthused about the wonderful mouthwatering smells emanating from within. She continued as they walked on , so the man said “what the heck,why not” , so he walked her past it again.......


03 Jan 20 - 02:43 PM (#4026176)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: saulgoldie

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eight of a beer...

The bartender pours two beers, and says, "You figure it out!"

Saul


03 Jan 20 - 03:25 PM (#4026191)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: MudGuard

5 mathematicians and 5 engineer are going to visit another university.

At the railway station, the mathematicians buy 5 tickets, while the engineers only buy a single ticket. The mathematicians are surprised, and ask the engineers how this will work out.

The engineers tell the mathematicians: wait and see.

They all enter the train (here in Germany, you don't need to show tickets before entering the train, the conductor will check them while the train is moving).

After a while, the conductor is approaching to check the passengers' tickets.

The five engineers all cram into the waggon's (or is it carriages's - sorry, my English is not the best) toilet and lock themselves in.

The conductor, after checking the mathematicians' tickets, notices that the toilet is in use, and knocks on the toilet door - one of the engineers says: "sorry, I will need some more time in here" and pushes the ticket outside through the narrow slit at the bottom of the door.

So they reach the other university, visit their colleagues, and start for the return journey.

This times - having learned from the engineers - the mathematicians buy only one ticket. And they are surprised when they notice that the engineers this time buy no ticket at all.

Again they ask how this will work, and get the same answer: "wait and see!".

And again they enter the train. When the conductor is approaching, the mathematicians cram into the toilet at the one end of the waggon, while the engineers cram into the toilet at the other end of the waggon.

When all the mathematicians are locked away, one of the engineers slips out again, runs to the other toilet, knocks on the door and says: "ticket please" ...


04 Jan 20 - 05:12 AM (#4026274)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash

Two Lions escape from Belle Vue Zoo in Manchester, they amble up to Piccadilly, down Market Street and along Deansgate.

One Lion turns to t'other and sez "eh it's quiet for a Saturday"


04 Jan 20 - 09:12 AM (#4026291)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Horse goes into a pub and orders a pint. The landlord, thinking that horses probably didn't really get money, grossly overcharges him.

After a while the landlord thought he'd try to engage the horse in conversation with "We don't get that many horses in here..."

"I'm not bloody surprised" sez the horse, "with beer at ten quid a pint..."


04 Jan 20 - 03:13 PM (#4026304)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

Haaaaahaaahaagh! I'm loving all these jokes! Keep 'em coming!


04 Jan 20 - 08:14 PM (#4026364)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Bloke woke up in his hospital bed after his operation. The surgeon was there to see him.

Doc, sez the bloke, How did it go? Well, sez the doc, remember that I told you we'd have to amputate your leg? Well there's good news and bad news about that...

Oh God, sez yer man, what's the good news? Well, sez the doc, in the end we only had to take off half your leg.

Oh thank God! sez yer man, but what's the bad news? Sez the doc, It was the top half...


05 Jan 20 - 02:57 PM (#4026384)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

A family of country hicks, Ma, Pa and Junior, go to the big city for the first time. In a large department store, Junior is facinated by watching people go in and out of the elevator. He runs to fetch Pa, saying, "Pa,Pa, you've gotta see this!".

A few moments later, an old lady approaches the elevator. The doors open, she enters and the doors close behind her. Floor indicators counts up and then down again. When the doors re-open, out walks a beautiful young woman.

"What's happening Pa?" Cries Junior. "I don't know, son" says Pa, scratching his chin, "but go fetch your Ma."

DC


05 Jan 20 - 03:59 PM (#4026407)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are crouchng behind a rock, surrounded by war-painted Apaches. The Lone Ranger says "I think we're in trouble Tonto". Tonto, by now about three feet from the Lone Ranger, replies "What do you mean by 'We', paleface?"

DC


05 Jan 20 - 06:34 PM (#4026436)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

Following Steve's joke:

A bloke wakes up in hospital and starts shouting hysterically:
The nurse comes over.
"Nurse, nurse, I can't feel my legs".
"No sir, we've amputated your hands!


05 Jan 20 - 07:15 PM (#4026440)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Sez the surgeon to the bloke who has just woken up after the op, I have some bad news and some good news... Omigod, shouts yer man, what's the bad news, Doc? Sez the doc, well in the end we had to amputate both your legs... Ah, Jaysus! shouts yer man hysterically, How can there be any good news after that! So what IS the good news, doc? Well, sez the doc, the man in the next bed has offered to buy your slippers...


08 Jan 20 - 01:57 AM (#4026939)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: leeneia

Doug, I don't want you to feel bad, but I heard that joke in the 1960's.

But don't feel bad, because recently I read that the taglines of forgotten jokes live on for decades, and that's one of them. It's now "What do you mean, WE, white man?"

When my husband says, "We need to re-wire the porch light," I respond...

(You guessed it.)

Though of course I would stand by to hand him tools, etc, while he re-wires the light.


08 Jan 20 - 05:35 AM (#4026957)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Gotta include the odd Tommy Cooper one.

"Doctor, I have this terrible problem. Every time a beautiful woman comes anywhere near me, I can't stop myself from pushing her away!"

"Well what do you want me to do about it?"

"Can you break my arms?"


08 Jan 20 - 05:50 AM (#4026959)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Doug, I don't want you to feel bad, but I heard that joke in the 1960's.

If I had a pound for every time that I have had the same thought when reading other people's contributions to Mudcat joke threads, I would be a rich man by now.

On a site where people take pride in singing songs from times gone by, think of me as a traditional joke teller.

DC


08 Jan 20 - 06:29 AM (#4026964)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

I don't even mind it when Jim tells the same joke twice in the same thread! :-)


08 Jan 20 - 08:14 AM (#4026986)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

What was that old chestnut about a the liberal MP (remember them?)

"He can't take offence without sitting on it"


08 Jan 20 - 08:15 AM (#4026987)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

And the etymologist who:

"can't take offense without C'ing it"


08 Jan 20 - 09:36 AM (#4027008)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.
(Peter Kay)


08 Jan 20 - 12:46 PM (#4027057)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

*guffaw*


15 Jan 20 - 05:21 PM (#4028520)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Just read this:

A pistol shot goes ‘bang,’ a lupara goes ‘boom,’ a machine gun goes ‘ratatatatat,’ and a knife goes ‘swiss.’


15 Jan 20 - 07:06 PM (#4028544)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

I'm misquoting here, but John Seymour said about Switzerland (something like) that after a thousand years of history, all the Swiss have to show for it is the cuckoo clock.


15 Jan 20 - 11:19 PM (#4028561)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Karen Impola

There's a bluegrass band on stage. How can you tell if the stage is level?

The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.


15 Jan 20 - 11:19 PM (#4028562)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince

A blond man, calling 911: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are two minutes apart".
911 responder: "Is this her first child?"
Blond man: "No, this is her husband ! "


15 Jan 20 - 11:22 PM (#4028563)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince

Blond man, calling out to his wife from the shower: "This shampoo says it's for dry hair, but I already got my head wet."


15 Jan 20 - 11:30 PM (#4028564)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince

A blond man stands over the mail that just dropped thru the slot in the door, unable to decide how to pick it up; the envelope on top is stamped "Do not bend".


16 Jan 20 - 07:12 AM (#4028589)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

2 blond men decided to go bear hunting. They got to a fork in the road with a sign saying, bear left. So they went home.


16 Jan 20 - 08:38 PM (#4028701)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Am I allowed just one Essex girl one then?

Essex girl was involved in a car crash and was trapped. Paramedics turned up and one of them said to her, "You'll be all right now, love. We'll soon have you out. Where are you bleeding from?"

"I'm from bleedin' Chingford, mate. What about you?"


17 Jan 20 - 03:55 AM (#4028707)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler

After reading about Ms Paltrow's candle range smelling like lady parts. I thought I'd start a candle range modelled on my man parts but I was told they wouldn't burn long enough.
RtS


17 Jan 20 - 10:08 AM (#4028719)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Hee hee burn it at both ends!


17 Jan 20 - 10:22 AM (#4028723)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael

Like Sven, you may have problems getting the wax off.


17 Jan 20 - 12:57 PM (#4028764)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Wouldn't burn long enough? You need to dip your wick a bit deeper, Roger...


17 Jan 20 - 01:12 PM (#4028770)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

There's a new intimate deodorant for men called "Strike Zone".

Their slogan is "No More Foul Balls!"


17 Jan 20 - 05:13 PM (#4028797)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Went into the chemists yesterday. Told the young lady assistant that I didn't know much about deodorants, but my wife had sent me in because she said I stank.

So I asked the girl if she could advise me as to what to buy.

"Well," she said, "there are different kinds. Do you think you'd prefer the ball type?"

"No," I replied, "It's for my armpits..."


18 Jan 20 - 05:33 AM (#4028862)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler

... you thought my other soubriquet "thimbles" was because of ma washboard playing?
RtS


18 Jan 20 - 05:54 AM (#4028865)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

What about the guy who thought Berk & Hair was describing Boris............

It's a killer ..............


18 Jan 20 - 05:39 PM (#4028973)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Rusty Dobro

I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant.

It's a real game changer...


21 Jan 20 - 03:22 AM (#4029348)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Rusty Dobro

A zoo keeper travelled to Africa to bring back a pair of large, horned, herbivore antelopes.

He bought a suitable pair from a dealer, but when he got them back home, something didn't look right. The horns were cardboard, and stuck on with sticky tape, and on close inspection, he found he had been sold a couple of donkeys.

Infuriated, he berated the poor donkeys for their part in the deception. This annoyed them so much that they lashed out with their hooves, and killed him.

The coroner ruled that he had been the victim of false gnus......


21 Jan 20 - 05:25 AM (#4029371)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

The fire alarm went off in a cinema in Spain. But there was only one way out, and in the panic lots of people were trampled.

Which goes to show that you shouldn't put all your Basques in one exit...


21 Jan 20 - 09:30 AM (#4029421)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: DMcG

A comment on another thread has reminded me of this:

milliHelen: The unit of beauty needed to launch one ship.


21 Jan 20 - 10:52 AM (#4029436)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

"Game changer": heheh. That's a real Tim Vine-style joke. Here's another, at risk of repeating myself:

I went for a ride on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Half the time I was laughing my head off, the other half I was crying my eyes out. It was an emotional roller coaster...


21 Jan 20 - 09:07 PM (#4029534)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

The coroner was stumped upon finding
dozens of blonds trampled to death
at the exit of the castle gift shop
each with a tiny candle.
When asked what happened the coroner said
"Clearly fragile hasseled fascile castle ass holes battled...
in the dark?"


21 Jan 20 - 09:57 PM (#4029539)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

That "game changer" joke reminds me of the "baby changing stations" often seen in public restrooms and highway rest stops. I've often wondered how they work. Do you put a baby you've grown tired of in it, press a button, and walk out with a different baby all together?


22 Jan 20 - 05:32 AM (#4029563)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael

A lot of so called 'Baby Changing Stations' are in fact 'Baby Tickling Stations' if you look at the graphic on the door.


22 Jan 20 - 05:46 AM (#4029569)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

All medieval castles had a fatal flaw: the enemy could get in through the gift shop.


22 Jan 20 - 09:24 AM (#4029601)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

Steve says: "I don't even mind it when Jim tells the same joke twice in the same thread! :-)"
Then repeats Senoufou's one about the exit through the gift shop. Although she did attribute it to Peter Kay.


22 Jan 20 - 09:25 AM (#4029602)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

And for that I'll claim the half-century: 50.


22 Jan 20 - 10:04 AM (#4029607)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Oh, my. Apologies for that. I thought I'd read it somewhere else! :-(


22 Jan 20 - 02:23 PM (#4029649)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

Steve Shaw is not really a plagiarist . . .
"He's a very naughty boy"

R.I.P. Terry Jones


22 Jan 20 - 02:26 PM (#4029652)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

I'm both! :-)


22 Jan 20 - 07:08 PM (#4029691)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Napoleon described English as a nation of shopkeepers; nowadays - many a true word said in jest - it is a nation of broken-English-speaking shopkeepers whereby, similar to when VISITING another country, we often have to point at what we want. My poem, from WalkaboutsVerse, "Nationalism without Conquest"


22 Jan 20 - 07:31 PM (#4029692)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: michaelr

Skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll it be?" Skeleton says, "A pint and a mop."


22 Jan 20 - 08:20 PM (#4029695)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Bloody Hell, WAB. Racism in a joke thread. Know any good Irish jokes, do you?


23 Jan 20 - 05:28 AM (#4029732)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

Gwyneth Paltrow: "This candle smells like my vagina".

Two nuns in a cellar:
1, "Where's the candle?"
2, "Yes, doesn't it!"


23 Jan 20 - 06:32 AM (#4029737)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

"This candle smells like my vagina"


"Prove it"


23 Jan 20 - 06:41 AM (#4029740)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

The mental patient escaped and ran into the local town, where he entered the laundrette and raped two women who were there before running off. Headlines in the paper the following day read:- NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS.


23 Jan 20 - 07:14 AM (#4029749)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Steve: I don't think - in jest or otherwise - questioning the standard of English among shopkeepers in modern multicultural England is "racist"; nor was it racist for our politicians to approve a bill to test the standard of English of those wishing to emigrate here - I, by the way, would stop all economic/CAPITALIST immigration in the first place.

Thus, with some qualification (I do support genuine asylum seekers being helped to their NEAREST - in terms of culture and geography - safe nation, e.g.), I would accept being called an anti-imimgrationist, but certainly NOT racist, having repatriated upon study and respect for Aboriginal and other indigenous Land Rights (along the way, developing a liking for a bit of gobbledygook, now and then).

As for your Irish jokes requests, the closest I have is from a Guest's request for Daniel O'Donnell jokes on the https://mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=167123&messages=145 thread.


23 Jan 20 - 07:17 AM (#4029752)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

This one, sorry - "Types of folk music you like or dislike"


23 Jan 20 - 04:25 PM (#4029818)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

A country singer was wandering in the street and bumped into a big ol police officer who said "whats going on?"
Oh officer, I can't find my car.

Where did you think it was?

Well, it was right on the end of this here key.

I have some good people who will take your information,
fill out a few forms and help you find your car.
But first, could you zip up your fly ?

The singer looked down and said "Damn and they got my girl too."


23 Jan 20 - 04:42 PM (#4029821)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Just watching Concorde: A Supersonic Story on BBC4, again, and one elderly chap seemed to be a poet who didn't know it when he said:

I went to the loo
On Mach 2.


24 Jan 20 - 03:07 AM (#4029866)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

How did George Washington address his troops?






In General terms...............


24 Jan 20 - 12:31 PM (#4029939)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Where do generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies...


24 Jan 20 - 02:11 PM (#4029957)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I bought a dozen eggs yesterday and put them in the refrigerator. When I went to make breakfast this morning, the fridge was full of the souls of dead people!




The eggs were mediums.


24 Jan 20 - 02:21 PM (#4029962)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Why does a Frenchman only have one egg for breakfast?

Because, to a Frenchman, one egg is un oeuf...


24 Jan 20 - 02:54 PM (#4029973)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Where are the Andes?



....... at the end of your armies!


DC


25 Jan 20 - 08:20 AM (#4030111)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


26 Jan 20 - 09:56 AM (#4030279)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

"Mummy, mummy, when I grow up I want to be a politician!"


"Now don't be silly, dear, you can't do both..."


26 Jan 20 - 11:18 AM (#4030285)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler

Some very very old jokes here recently!
RtS


26 Jan 20 - 03:28 PM (#4030364)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Some very very old jokes here recently!

I agree that there are some very old jokes but it's not a recent phenomenon. Mudcat joke threads have been regurgitating old jokes almost as long as Mudcat has existed.

DC


26 Jan 20 - 03:47 PM (#4030373)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

...my golf joke is not on here:

2 golfers were part way through their round when thunder and lightening began.

When one pulled a 1-iron out of his bag and held it up high, his partner cried: "What on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about".

To which he calmly replied: "Not even God can hit a 1-iron".


26 Jan 20 - 03:50 PM (#4030375)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Further to the above, sorry - I say "my" when I actually first heard it following an Australian golfer called Billy Dunk (an excellent putter who holds many course records in Australia and beyond) during a pro-am in Sydney, many years ago.


26 Jan 20 - 04:00 PM (#4030378)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Without any improvement, I just mash 4 jokes together that I find here and present it as a new joke. Not even God can hit a fun prion.


26 Jan 20 - 05:31 PM (#4030394)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Just cme back from a Cajun dance weekend, which finished with everyone singing "Knock, Knock, Knockin on heavan's door".

I knew what it would be as they started the tune, 'cause the tune rang a bell ........................

Funny? No? Well do I get points for it being true?


27 Jan 20 - 05:22 AM (#4030476)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Q. What do you get if you throw a hand grenade into a Frenchman's kitchen?


A. Linoleum Blownapart...


27 Jan 20 - 05:29 AM (#4030480)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

it was said
he who would pun would pick a pocket


27 Jan 20 - 07:06 AM (#4030493)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

GREAT movie, that, Donuel...

My cheese shop was so badly damaged in that last earthquake that all there was left was da Brie.


27 Jan 20 - 07:18 AM (#4030498)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

How do you tempt Winnie the Pooh out of his house?
C'mon bear.

How did the cheese string paint his wife?
Double glossed her.

What did the Geordie say when he saw the edge of the reservoir?
Eee, dam.


27 Jan 20 - 02:48 PM (#4030582)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

The floodlights in the football stadium suddenly failed and panic ensued. No fault could be found in the system and all fuses were in good order.‘’What now’’? asked Ken, the director.
Having evaded security, the Chinese man entered the box with an assured expression on his face.
‘’I can solve problem’’ he said with an air of authority. ‘’How?’’ asked the director. The man took the microphone and spoke. ‘’Everybody put hands in air’’. The spectators complied and the lights immediately came back on.
The Chinese man enlightened the director. ‘’Ancient Chinese proverb say, Many hands make light work


27 Jan 20 - 02:50 PM (#4030583)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’.


27 Jan 20 - 03:03 PM (#4030587)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash

Two men,one of whom was a vicar were playing golf together.

At the first tee one man took a swing but did not hit the ball 'Damn he said missed the bastard' The vicar chided him for using such language saying that God woud punish him, don't be daft he replied.

A the next hole he missed an easy putt 'damn missed the bastard'once again the vicar chided him.

This continued at nearly every hole 'damn missed the bastard' again and again with the vicar telling him each time that God would punish him.

At the 17th he again missed his swing 'damn .......... what the ......'

The clouds opened a old man with a long white beard peered down through the gloom with his arm outstretched from whence a lightening bolt shot down right into a bunker next to where the man was standing

'DAMN MISSED THE BASTARD!!' came a voice from the heavens.


27 Jan 20 - 03:08 PM (#4030591)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

I thought it was going to be something to do with a hole in one - not a hold in One.


28 Jan 20 - 05:17 AM (#4030717)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler

Where is the best place to buy Yorkshire spearmint online?
Ebay Gum

I'll get me coat.

RtS


28 Jan 20 - 07:19 AM (#4030735)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

There is a trend developing in the night clubs of northern cities, such as Leeds and Sheffield, for revellers to take Ecstasy by pushing the tablets inside their upper or lower lips. It's known as E by gum.

DC


28 Jan 20 - 07:54 AM (#4030746)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Yorkshireman takes his poorly cat to t'vetnery.

"Will tha just tek a butchers at me cat? He's bin chucking up summat rotten..."

"Right, sir, let's have a look. Is your cat a Tom?"

"Naw, yer daft bugger, tha can see that I've browt it wi' me..."


28 Jan 20 - 09:28 AM (#4030768)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Yorkshireman goes to a goldsmiths and asks, "Me whippet's dead. If I show yer a photo can tha mek us a gold statue of it?"

Aye, I can," he says. "Dost tha want it eighteen carat?"

"Nay, yer daft bugger, just chewin' bone'll do fine."


28 Jan 20 - 11:49 AM (#4030798)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

Womans two pet chimps die, so she takes them to the taxidermist:
"Do you want them mounted?"
"Oh no, just holding hands!"


29 Jan 20 - 01:52 PM (#4031011)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

A large quantity of viagra was stolen from a pharmacy last night. The police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.


29 Jan 20 - 02:11 PM (#4031020)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

Someone drilled a hole in the brothel wall.

The police are looking into it.


29 Jan 20 - 02:30 PM (#4031022)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Glory!


29 Jan 20 - 02:45 PM (#4031026)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

After a series of crimes in his area, the police chief has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.


29 Jan 20 - 02:49 PM (#4031027)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

And of course one from Tommy Cooper:

I got stopped in my car last night by a policeman. Cop: "Right, I'm going to follow you to the nearest police station." Me: "What for, officer?" Cop: "I've forgotten the way."


29 Jan 20 - 03:15 PM (#4031035)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

No idea - like a deer with no eyes.


29 Jan 20 - 06:32 PM (#4031071)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

West Mercia Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.


07 Feb 20 - 06:16 PM (#4032851)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Just heard this on a TED talk on how to hone humour skills.

'Converting the numbers 51, 6 and 500 to Roman numerals makes me LIVID.'


08 Feb 20 - 08:02 AM (#4032934)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

How many Crime Writers does it take to change a light bulb.

2

One to push it in
and a second to give it a final twist.


16 Feb 20 - 08:39 PM (#4034541)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Went to see the doc today. Eventually, he told me that he thought I had hypochondria.

Well I'm not surprised, sez I. I might as well have that. After all, I've got everything else...


17 Feb 20 - 08:29 AM (#4034592)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Went to the zoo the other day. Didn't see any animals, but one dog.

It was a shitzu.


17 Feb 20 - 05:44 PM (#4034687)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Nigel tells the finest cheesiest jokes
Steve specializes in cosmopolitan colloquial jokes
Iain does generalized insult humor
while Donuel does the squareroots of - numbers


17 Feb 20 - 06:44 PM (#4034693)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Your cod-analysing of people here is beyond a joke.


18 Feb 20 - 04:25 AM (#4034733)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

(From the Daily Telegraph book, Stop The World, I Want To Get Off')

The next Mary Berry programme will look at fortified wine on a ship from Northern Ireland to the Republic of Ireland.: 'The Mary Berry Derry to Kerry Sherry Ferry'.


18 Feb 20 - 05:31 AM (#4034737)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

And if Isla St Clair married Barry White, divorced him, then married Bryan Ferry, would she then be Isla White-Ferry?


18 Feb 20 - 05:40 AM (#4034740)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

Hahahaaaaagh Steve! If she had a bad cold she could then be called Red Funnel.


18 Feb 20 - 07:35 AM (#4034753)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

The first rule of Vegan Club- Tell everyone about Vegan Club.


18 Feb 20 - 08:20 AM (#4034762)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

A crossfit maven walks into a bar. How do we know? They'll tell you.

Works with vegans and a third group I don't recall...


18 Feb 20 - 10:06 AM (#4034789)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Your cod-analysing of people here is beyond a joke.

Be grateful fr small mentions, at least you got one.

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven, God asks him to tell a holocaust joke. God was not amused "That's not funny" she says.
The holocaust survivor said "Well, I guess you just had to be there"


18 Feb 20 - 10:12 AM (#4034791)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

His "cod-analysing" is just another way for Donuel to shift the spotlight to himself and it's tiresome. Now, back to the jokes.


18 Feb 20 - 10:51 AM (#4034797)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.


18 Feb 20 - 07:42 PM (#4034886)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

A photon checks into a hotel. The porter asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?” The photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m travelling light."


19 Feb 20 - 04:30 AM (#4034921)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Two atoms were walking down the street when one says "I've lost an electron".
"Are you sure?" says the other.
"Yes, I'm positive".


DC


19 Feb 20 - 06:09 AM (#4034937)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

Steve Shaw.... It was me who talked Britney Spears out of marrying Bryan Ferry!.


19 Feb 20 - 06:18 AM (#4034939)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

My ex stood in front of the full length mirror in our bedroom.... naked...   She said 'Darling.... my hair is thinning badly, the skin around my eyes looks like crows feet.... my neck looks like chicken skin.... my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks.... My belly is also sagging and has stretch marks..... I have cellulite on my butt and thighs and my feet are getting very wrinkly.... please tell me something good about me'........... I replied with ' Your eyesight is brilliant love'


19 Feb 20 - 06:38 AM (#4034942)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Britney Ferry - heheh!


19 Feb 20 - 08:10 AM (#4034952)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

First joke I remember hearing: When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.


19 Feb 20 - 08:18 AM (#4034955)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

It just seems that lately nobody sees all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to just... pass it by and go on like they haven't even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.

I'm in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed by gillymor, despite the pay being good at work.

For those wondering, i design camouflage.


19 Feb 20 - 08:22 AM (#4034958)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

Ts there a punchline in there or has it been camouflaged.


19 Feb 20 - 08:23 AM (#4034959)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, whilst Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power comes back, he boots up his computer and has lost all his work, before seeing Jesus calmly typing from where he left off. Lucifer is not happy at all, calling Jesus a cheat, before God intervenes, proclaiming Jesus the winner. The moral of the story? *Jesus saves*


19 Feb 20 - 08:38 AM (#4034963)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

- *I did not write this joke, I hope you enjoy it :^/

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Fuck it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.

Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all at Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fuck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.

**INSULT SCHOOL - Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!**


'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off.

Then his day arrives...

As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off motherfucker hell bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket, and storms off.

He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...

The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, again it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched.

This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and sees it is gillymor in make up and says...

























"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"


19 Feb 20 - 08:38 AM (#4034964)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

- *I did not write this joke, I hope you enjoy it :^/

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Fuck it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.

Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all at Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fuck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.

**INSULT SCHOOL - Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!**


'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off.

Then his day arrives...

As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off motherfucker hell bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket, and storms off.

He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...

The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, again it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched.

This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and sees it is gillymor in make up and says...

























"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"


19 Feb 20 - 08:40 AM (#4034966)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

There are 2 punchlines for you to make up for one you missed.


19 Feb 20 - 08:42 AM (#4034967)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

I did read the whole thing but lol anyway.


20 Feb 20 - 04:02 AM (#4035150)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window" - Steve Wozniak



For those wondering, i design camouflage.

Donuel - I didn't see that coming!


20 Feb 20 - 06:31 AM (#4035175)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

When I was a kid there was a giant tall neon sign that said Jesus Saves
For years I assumed it was a Bank.


20 Feb 20 - 06:56 AM (#4035179)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

-another actual memory-
I was only 4 years old but I remember my first joke. I was brought to a Planetarium. When the lights went down slowly and the night sky emerged I said out loud, knowing full well where I was, "WoW and it isn't even cold out" and was met with laughter from the entire crowd. I was hooked
but a bit miffed that some adults probably thought I was serious.


20 Feb 20 - 07:10 AM (#4035182)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

A turtle gets mugged by a couple of snails and the investigating policeman asks him to state exactly what took place, turtle responds "I don't know, officer, it all happened so fast."

Another turtle/snail joke:

What did the snail say when he climbed up on the back of a turtle?

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"


20 Feb 20 - 08:29 AM (#4035198)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Jesus saves. The Mongol hoards.


20 Feb 20 - 08:52 AM (#4035200)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, "I never came this way before." The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones!"


20 Feb 20 - 09:10 AM (#4035203)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

I like these, maybe because they're American jokes?


20 Feb 20 - 09:21 AM (#4035206)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

What do you call a sophisticated American?

Canadian


20 Feb 20 - 12:50 PM (#4035225)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

The great grand nephew of Hitler and convicted child sex abuser was pardoned by Trump which was an embarrassment to the Hitler family.
Imagine being the only Hitler the family doesn't talk about.


20 Feb 20 - 12:57 PM (#4035229)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

Now that's some good camouflage.


20 Feb 20 - 01:34 PM (#4035239)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

People were perplexed when Trump requested a weapon that would specifically shoot through FBI body armor like butter.
Where there is a will there is a way but we are assured it is only for Special Operations
This one shoots through armor like cream cheese.

-oops , too close to the truth again


20 Feb 20 - 02:04 PM (#4035247)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash

Donuel,

Shooting people is NOT funny, it is not amusing in any way, shape or form.


Come to think of it neither are your posts.


20 Feb 20 - 02:26 PM (#4035251)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

I commend your indignance, As a generational survivor of the Eiensatzgruppen, shooting people is not funny to me in any way shape or form but a special exception should be made for sincere warnings. Even if you can't see a warning or read the sign, its there.


20 Feb 20 - 03:03 PM (#4035258)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

I come to a joke thread to read jokes, not warnings about an SS unit that was disbanded some 75 years ago.


20 Feb 20 - 04:50 PM (#4035266)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

I started the partisan prescription of 'Mr. Rodgers little helpers'. They cause folks to exude extreme kindness and have a blissful resignation to bad news without concern.
Side effects are ulcers and stomach cancer but
what do you expect from swallowing the problems of the world without some reaction? They are opiate FREE but contain 90% heroin.

The sister drug to Mr Rodgers helpers is for Republicans only and is just plain anerobic steroids and amphetamines.

YAWN

Sorry gillymor I was watching the Hitler Channel on cable.
I agree there is no need to leave my brain droppings all over the place. Allow mods to exponge all the offending routines, I can't clean it myself.


20 Feb 20 - 08:53 PM (#4035293)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Fer chrissake...

Anyway, to revive the thread, here's Billy Connolly's rules for the over-60s:

1. Never pass up an opportunity to go for a pee.

2. Never waste an erection.

3. Never trust a fart.


21 Feb 20 - 05:03 AM (#4035330)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Billy Connolly extended rule 2 (which, when I heard him, he put as rule 3 for better comic effect):

Never waste an erection, even if you are on your own.

DC


21 Feb 20 - 05:21 AM (#4035338)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

so?
4) carry a spare pair of underpants

Allegedly a Harry Hill** quote:

never refuse an opportunity to stool

** He trained as a doctor BTW. Think Jerry Lewis without the fall-about antics, or the fall-about voice.


21 Feb 20 - 05:25 AM (#4035344)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Two exceptionally sage pieces of advice, and I'm not joking...


21 Feb 20 - 06:49 AM (#4035369)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

Well who doesn't love the Hitler Channel.

It got so cold up in Vermont last week that this sign was seen in front of a nudist camp: "We're open but we're clothed"


21 Feb 20 - 09:27 AM (#4035386)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Is *that* where never trust a fart is from.

So this patient has an intractable cough the doctors have been trying everything for, but nothing worked. Finally one doc says Here, take this pill, it's my last resort. The desperate patient swallows it and then asks, what's in it? Doctor answers, it's the world's strongest laxative.

Now you don't *dare* cough.


21 Feb 20 - 09:50 AM (#4035389)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

A proctologist's nurse says "Doctor you've got a suppository behind your ear."
Doctor says "Damn, now I know where my pencil went."


23 Feb 20 - 02:21 PM (#4035697)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Oh, some asshole's got my pencil...


23 Feb 20 - 08:57 PM (#4035762)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

The Highway Patrols have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"


26 Feb 20 - 09:11 PM (#4036331)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I may be a typo".


26 Feb 20 - 11:55 PM (#4036335)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Pappy Fiddle

A young man married a beautiful young woman. She had beautiful golden hair, gorgeous ivory white teeth, and she could sing like an Angel.

On the morning after their wedding, the young groom wakes up and sees her beautiful golden hair on the bedpost. And there in a glass of water is her gorgeous ivory white teeth. As she stirs awake he shouts frantically, "SING FOR GOD'S SAKE, SING!"


27 Feb 20 - 09:24 AM (#4036373)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

An old man walks into a Catholic church and enters the confessional, the following conversation ensues:

Old Man: Father, last night I picked up two gorgeous Danish stewardesses in a bar, took them to my hotel and made passionate love to them all night long.

Priest: I see, but I don't recognize your voice, are you a member of this parish?

Old Man: No.

Priest: Well, are you even Catholic?

Old Man: No, I'm Jewish.

Priest: Well then why are you telling me this?

Old Man: Hell, Father, I'm telling every one!


27 Feb 20 - 05:45 PM (#4036470)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."
"You've become *what*?"
"A prostitute, Father."
"God be praised! I thought at first you said a Protestant."


28 Feb 20 - 03:23 AM (#4036525)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Mick Jagger & Keith Richard go to a restaurant and have the chicken cooked by Sam 'n Ella - it is fatal.
A case of one bird killing two stones.


29 Feb 20 - 06:43 AM (#4036692)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.


29 Feb 20 - 07:43 AM (#4036694)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael

"Mam! There's a man at the door with a bill"

"It can't be a man with a bill; it must be a duck with a hat on".
Credit - Clive Heenan some time in the 1960's.


29 Feb 20 - 08:01 AM (#4036696)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

This just in...
In an effort to profit from and combat the Chinese novel Coronavirus , Uberstrumfuerher Trump ordered faith healer Mike Pense to put Tariffs on all imported Chinese virus immediately.




too soon?


29 Feb 20 - 11:33 AM (#4036727)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Your obsession with constantly bringing Trump into your supposed jokes is getting incredibly tiresome. Unfunny in the extreme.


29 Feb 20 - 12:57 PM (#4036739)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

"There you go again'
Ronald Reagan


29 Feb 20 - 01:31 PM (#4036746)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
Donald Trump has never had a garbanzo bean on him.


01 Mar 20 - 07:52 AM (#4036874)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

supposed jokes is getting incredibly tiresome. Unfunny in the extreme.

Each to his own, carping on a joke thread is decidedly unfunny. Just like Trumps tweets in fact.


01 Mar 20 - 08:12 AM (#4036878)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

I provide a damn sight more laughs than you do, old chap. I want to keep it as a JOKE thread. Carping on, eh? I've haddock up to here with you and your little dabs at me. It's about time you learned your plaice. So what are you whiting for, pollack? Just let minnow when you're up for it...


02 Mar 20 - 08:40 AM (#4037084)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

If you were not as uncommonly similar to Trump as you are Steve, we would not love you so much. You are the greatest.

Because the herd was pre sorted by gender
Juan Gonzales found out too late that all
the Dairy Llamas he had milked were males.


02 Mar 20 - 08:50 AM (#4037085)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Afterall it takes a rare and unique person like yourself to blow a seal at a shell station and get filled up.


02 Mar 20 - 09:01 AM (#4037086)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Perhaps gross jokes are his "cup of tea".
6 gay guys were in a hot tub when a big glob of semen came spooling up to the top of the churning water. He said, "who farted?"


02 Mar 20 - 09:20 AM (#4037088)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Steve does not have a little ego. He has an Egosaur that never heals.


02 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM (#4037101)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

And you have shit for brains. Knock it off and find something useful to do.


02 Mar 20 - 10:38 AM (#4037104)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

If we're going in for "gross jokes" then how did Liberace know that he had 6 weeks to live?

A gerbil crawled out of his butt and saw it's shadow.


02 Mar 20 - 02:41 PM (#4037143)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

That was cute, now if you want GROSS...
er delicate Stevie is here

but first Oogle!


02 Mar 20 - 03:19 PM (#4037149)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

There are many bogus and preposterous cures for Corona virus emerging.
India is using clove nose drops with a secret ingredient.
Mexico is so superstitious they rely on witch doctors.
Now the US has an organic cure that is going Facebook viral, .5 grams of grated White Nationalist testicles. Beware of imitations. They advise you get it in person. Make white nationalists grate again.


03 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM (#4037239)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

I provide a damn sight more laughs than you do, old chap.

Yea, not conceited either, but you obviously have every reason to be.


03 Mar 20 - 05:27 AM (#4037243)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

It's true, unfortunately. And you missed the spirit of my post, didn't you? I thought to myself at the time, eel miss the point for sure, will that Mr Red, and instead of laughing eel simply gurn 'ard...


03 Mar 20 - 05:33 AM (#4037246)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I worked fro a time for Liverpool Housing Department as a maintenance electrician
The office I booked in at had a framed letter hanging on the wall from a woman tenant reading:

"Please send man, have been using candles all week"
Jim Carroll


03 Mar 20 - 07:44 AM (#4037266)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

I got an excuse note from a lad in my class years ago which read "Dear Mr Shaw, John couldn't come to school yesterday with his stomach."


03 Mar 20 - 08:53 PM (#4037378)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Never believe anything an atom tells you.

They make up everything.


04 Mar 20 - 03:38 AM (#4037396)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

eel miss the point for sure,

Hardly - I replied with a joke (in a fucking joke thread!), obvious not funny to someone who has heard it before, but recognised as one of a certain class of joke, reversal of the obvious.

In a pub, the person trying to be humorous would have a facial expression, which, in the digital pub, emoticons serve. Human communication is not all verbal, some people don't realise that in cyberspace. Yet they have the arrogance to think people can see their intent purely from text, and the arrogance to think they can read other peoples' minds across the ether.

Not funny, but apposite.


04 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM (#4037406)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A leper playing poker threw his hand in
(still haven't heard my first Corona Virus Joke yet except the one in yesterday's paper about the man who walked into a shop wearing a mask
When everyone backed away in panic he said, "Don't worry, I've come in to rob you"   
Jim Carroll


04 Mar 20 - 05:51 AM (#4037411)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Nice one, Jim!

Tell me: do you, Red, gurn 'ard?


04 Mar 20 - 11:23 AM (#4037477)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

(sorry Steve - don't understand Steve)

Somewhat non PC but very popular here
Two flies climbing up a window frame - which one is the Catholic ?
The one that shits on the sash
Sorry
Jim


04 Mar 20 - 12:12 PM (#4037486)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Red gurnard is a fish, Jim. I've been using fish puns on an extremely unappreciative Mr Red for a while. He's a cold fish...


05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM (#4037609)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Thanks Steve - thought you were asking if I read 'The Grauniad'

Heard on a CND anti-warhip demonstration at Pembroke Dock in my youth
"What's this I 'ear about you goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband 'as a wart on the end of 'is willie, Mrs Jones ?"
"Ooooh - I never said no such thing, Mrs Evans, I only said it felt like 'e 'ad"   
Jim


05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM (#4037610)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Thanks Steve - thought you were asking if I read 'The Grauniad'

Heard on a CND anti-warhip demonstration at Pembroke Dock in my youth
"What's this I 'ear about you goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband 'as a wart on the end of 'is willie, Mrs Jones ?"
"Ooooh - I never said no such thing, Mrs Evans, I only said it felt like 'e 'ad"   
Jim


05 Mar 20 - 06:18 AM (#4037624)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Another Welsh joke
A Liverpool man takes a week's holiday in a small Welsh village - on the first day he walks down the street saying 'good morning' to everybody he meets - he was greeted with silence each time
He tells the barman that night in the pub and is told, 'We're Welsh speakers around here, if you want to make contact try saying 'iechyd da' (yaki da)
Next morning he sets off and immediately sees a grease covered man stretched out under a car fiddling with the engine
"iechyd da" he chirps out
"Fuck off, you smug Taffy bastard" comes the reply
Jim Carroll


05 Mar 20 - 07:21 AM (#4037638)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

Jim Carroll. When the leper threw in a rotten hand, his mates laughed their heads off.


05 Mar 20 - 12:40 PM (#4037718)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

" his mates laughed their heads off"
Gorgeous - GS

Can't remember if I posted this - the last story we recorded from Traveller, Mikeen McCarthy just before he died

Mickey Delaney was a half-Traveller, half tramp way back in Caherciveen when I was young
He never had a tent or a caravan, but would come into town carrying his tools on his shoulder at the beginning of Winter each year, find somewhere to sleep rough and look for work to feed himself until the Spring   
Every year he'd arrive in town, go straight to Dr Clifford's house, knock on the door and ask - "Do you have anything for a back back" or "do you have anything for a stomach ache" or "do you have anything for a pain in the head".....
The Doctor would always invite him in, give him a slap-up meal and a £5 note and send him on his way

This went on for years until, one particularly bad winter Mickey was spotted on the outskirts of town but after that, there was no sign of him
The townspeople became worried and set up a search - they eventually found him frozen to death in an old barn
They went to see Dr Clifford for a death certificate and when they explained what had happened
Clifford said, "I came to this town as a young man intending to marry and raise a family here, so I bought a family plot in the graveyard - I never married, so you might as well bury Mickey up there - plenty of room for two
They did just that, had a drink in the bar to his memory and buried him -Doctor Clifford paid for the funeral

Years rolled by and eventually the Doctor passed away - the townspeople buried him next to Mickey
After the mourners went home, Clifford lay in his box waiting for the journey up when he heard a knocking to the side the coffin
"Who's that" he calls out ?
"It's Mickey", came the reply
"What do you want ?"
"Do you have anything for worms ?"
Jim Carroll


05 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM (#4037741)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Careful at the gate, boys, careful at the gate!


05 Mar 20 - 03:05 PM (#4037747)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Yes !!!
Another Welsh joke similar to another
A young apprentice engineer from Liverpool decided to blow a few months wages on a holiday in a village in North Wales
After the first day of having nothing to do he was bored out of his skull, so he stood outside the local blacksmith's shop and watched him shoeing a horse, gradually he became fascinated
The Smith invited him in to watch and when he'd finished said, "I'm going down to the pub for my lunch; you can finish off, if you like" - the lad jumped at it
The Smith handed him a file and a wire brush and told him to clean up the horse's feet and remove any burr
When he came back an hour later, he saw the lad had made a perfect job of his task - except the horse was lying on it's back, stone dead, with its legs sticking up in the air
"God lad, you've done a great job, but what happened to the horse?"
"Dunno," he said, "it's been like that since I took it out of the vice"
Jim


05 Mar 20 - 06:37 PM (#4037779)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F

Mention of Welsh jokes reminds me: A little boy came into a shop and asked for some detergent. "What do you want it for?" "To wash my budgerigar." "That won't do it any good." Nevertheless, the boy picked out some detergent. He came in again a week later. "How is the budgerigar?" "Dead." "What did I tell you?" "It wasn't the detergent that did it. It was the wringer."


06 Mar 20 - 09:52 AM (#4037887)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Two Elderly Cardiff ladies were conversing through the communal wall of their outside lavatories
"Hmmmmmm.... (straining) Is that you Mrs Evans ?"
"Hmmmmmm.... it is Mrs Davis"
"hmmmmmm.... How's your 'ubby, ?"
"hmmmmmm.... 'Es fine, 'ow's yours ?"
"hmmmmmm.... Same as ever, 'e never changes; 'ows your lad Dai 'avent seen 'im round for a while ?"
"hmmmmmm.....'E's in London, got a place in drama school"
"hmmmmmk..... Always was a clever lad, what't 'e doin' ?"
"hmmmmmm..... 'e's playin 'Amlet"
"hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oooh, that's a hard part"
Jim Carroll


06 Mar 20 - 12:29 PM (#4037925)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Retakes on theatre
"What's it all about Malfi"
"Is this a digger I see before me" (for our Australian Cousins')
Jim Carroll


06 Mar 20 - 02:45 PM (#4037946)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’


06 Mar 20 - 02:58 PM (#4037951)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"I really don’t know love at all’’
I assume - oh never mind....
A non pop-a lover's joke GS
Jim


07 Mar 20 - 08:29 PM (#4038197)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

According to my Liverpool mates when the film came out, Ben Hur's mother caught leprosy from a toilet seat ?
Jim Carroll


08 Mar 20 - 07:10 AM (#4038249)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

He's a cold fish...

That's the problem with humour, it needs the references. You think you are funny, the mistake is one of assumption. Dunning-Kruger would be interested in that conceit.

There is a sweet spot, too much knowledge on the subject and it becomes unfunny again.
When the world woke up to silicon chips there were numerous jokes about silicone, particularly involving breasts. If you can design with silicon chips it just isn't funny. It is a pun without usable connection.


08 Mar 20 - 07:41 AM (#4038254)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

My fish jokes are brill, so just get off your high sea-horse.


08 Mar 20 - 08:10 AM (#4038262)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"My fish jokes are brill, "
I've always tried to skate over them Steve, though you don't want to hear what I say about them out of your herring

A Liverpool kids joke
A hard of hearing woman went to the doctor's to get advice on how to get pregnant - he told her, 'You have an agitated hole and if you have a baby it will be a miracle'
She returned home dejected - "What did he say ?" asked her husband
"He said I have a haddock up my hole and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel"
Jim


08 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM (#4038263)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

One of my all time fav fish songs by Kip Adotta

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6l1GvDWtccI


08 Mar 20 - 08:35 AM (#4038266)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Whale kipper whelk-ome for you here if you ever visit Cornwall, Jim...Don't ling-er now...


08 Mar 20 - 08:51 AM (#4038271)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

How Baramundi, or or would Tuesday be Betta ?
There'll be a grouper of us - must get our pikes out
(only another 24 letters to go)
Jim


08 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM (#4038272)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

If these fish puns elicit anything other than a groan it'll be a fluke.


08 Mar 20 - 08:56 AM (#4038274)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Any day barramundi, Jim. That's the sole day I can't hake it....


08 Mar 20 - 09:19 AM (#4038278)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Just asked Pat if she wants to come but she's a bit Koi - she's in one of her carping moods
Jim


08 Mar 20 - 09:24 AM (#4038280)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I'll have yo fluke elsewhere
Beatcha too it !!

Pollocks to this, I've other fish to fry
Jim


08 Mar 20 - 12:42 PM (#4038324)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I suppose you know what we've just done was a Flyting (sort of) Steve
Maybe ewe should do one on birds !!!
Jim


08 Mar 20 - 12:42 PM (#4038325)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I suppose you know what we've just done was a Flyting (sort of) Steve
Maybe ewe should do one on birds !!!
Jim


08 Mar 20 - 12:51 PM (#4038327)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Careful, Jim - we don't want to do anything that woodcock up this thread...


08 Mar 20 - 02:28 PM (#4038342)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Are there nationalistic birds? I thought birds were without borders.


08 Mar 20 - 02:33 PM (#4038343)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash

A Dodo?


08 Mar 20 - 02:39 PM (#4038346)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

The greatest birds in the world are the two Liver birds in Liverpool, on the Royal Liver Building on the Pier Head, which are also on the crest of Liverpool FC. I'll brook no demurrals...


08 Mar 20 - 02:46 PM (#4038348)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"Careful, Jim - we don't want to do anything that woodcock up this thread..."
I'll finch about it
Jim


08 Mar 20 - 02:46 PM (#4038349)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Hen I get time, that is !!
Jim


08 Mar 20 - 04:08 PM (#4038361)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A Sussex couple walking along the coast came across the remains of a bird’s nest the seagulls had obviously got at – on closer examination they found rather a strange looking egg which they wiped down and gently carried back to the car
When the got home they noticed it was still warm and appeared to contain a developing chick, so they made a makeshift nest on the kitchen worktop and left it there to see what happened
Over the next few days it showed signs of hatching and, when I finally did, the strangest, ugliest-looking chick broke out
They left it in the nest, took a photograph and sent it off to the Natural History Museum in London – after a short while they got an excited reply saying they had never seen such a bird and would be in touch – they also said that it was so unusual that the staff had named it ‘The Rary Bird’
The bird continued to grow at an alarming rate, so much in fact that they were forced to take it from the worktop, drag out an old dog-basket and rehouse it there
With a week it had outgrown the dog basket so they were forced to put it in the garden shed on a large bundle of old blankets – it was costing a small fortune to keep it in food
Still not hearing from the Natural History Museum the couple decided that, as it was one of a kind, the Museum would probably experiment on it and eventually stuff it – so they decided to drive down to the coast where they found it and try to get it to fly away
They did this, gingerly lifted it off the borrowed trailer truck and placed it at the edge of the cliff…. and waited, and waited, and waited – nothing happened
Finally the man said to his wife, “We’re going to have to give it a push over the cliff”.
Reluctantly she agreed, they placed it on the edge and made ready – the bird stared at them silently with it’s huge liquid eyes and finally said – “That’s a long way to tip a Rary”
Jim


09 Mar 20 - 06:45 AM (#4038464)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

From Mr Red yesterday:

"You think you are funny, the mistake is one of assumption."

Is this a Red grouse?

Sorry, couldn't resist...Cheers for bringing birds into it, Jim. I hope no-one thinks this is a cheep jibe...


09 Mar 20 - 07:24 AM (#4038471)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"Sorry, couldn't resist"
Don't chicken out Steve - that was worth a heron
Jim


09 Mar 20 - 07:48 AM (#4038473)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

No egrets, then, Jim?


09 Mar 20 - 07:54 AM (#4038474)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Only a mew
Jim


09 Mar 20 - 07:58 AM (#4038475)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Steve
Before we take plover this thread, perhaps we should let plovers have a go
Jim


09 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM (#4038477)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I meant "the nest have a go" - didn't smink of it in time
Jim


09 Mar 20 - 10:38 AM (#4038528)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Went birdwatching this morning on the nature reserve. Didn't see much because of the rain but I did get a shag in the reeds...


09 Mar 20 - 11:46 AM (#4038550)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael

But not thrush I hope Steve


09 Mar 20 - 12:19 PM (#4038555)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

No, but I got an unexpected goose...


09 Mar 20 - 12:45 PM (#4038559)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"No, but I got an unexpected goose..."
So you came home feeling cocky and had to pullet
Jim


09 Mar 20 - 12:54 PM (#4038562)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

Have you lot nothing better to do than to swan around on here making perfect tits of yourselves?


09 Mar 20 - 01:11 PM (#4038563)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

The Moorhen I'm Heron these bird puns the less I Cara Cara for them.


09 Mar 20 - 03:39 PM (#4038591)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Now look what we've done Steve - two birds with one stone (chat)
Jim


09 Mar 20 - 03:46 PM (#4038593)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

This made me laugh for some reason (Daily Mail - yes I know...)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.


09 Mar 20 - 04:15 PM (#4038598)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

True story. I was told of an overheard remark. Two women discussing what they read in the Daily Mail. A run (sic) on toilet rolls, and wmpty shelves. At which a man piped up and suggested using the Daily Mail.


10 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM (#4038709)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?"
Years ago a remainder bookshop in Dublin had a sizeble paperback on its shelves entitled 'The Mammoth Book of Australian Culture'
On opening it you found all the pages were blank - it was an exercise book, published in New Zealand
Jim


10 Mar 20 - 06:14 AM (#4038721)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Reminds me of Mr Johnson (the Medallion Man) in Fawlty Towers, who called a pamphlet on the notable sights in Torquay "one of the world's shortest books, like 'The Wit of Margaret Thatcher,'" to Basil's chagrin.

It's a bit poignant that the fellow who played Mr Johnson, Nicky Henson (uncle of Adam Henson of Countryfile as it happens), died just before Christmas after a 20-year battle with cancer. He and John Cleese were good mates in real life.


10 Mar 20 - 06:21 AM (#4038724)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

John Cleese has said that people keep asking him if he plays golf. He said "The answer is 'No.' I'm a democrat."


10 Mar 20 - 06:30 AM (#4038731)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

published in New Zealand

I heard a few Ozzie jokes in NZ, usual fair - nearest neighbour, one county short of a country. But I heard one that I reminded me of a Polish joke about Russians.

Why does a **neigbour's** haircut cost $4? - Well it's a dollar per corner, innit mate?

** other ccountries & currencies are available.


10 Mar 20 - 06:49 AM (#4038739)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Ha, just sent that one to me brother in New Zealand. I like it!


10 Mar 20 - 07:03 AM (#4038741)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Send him this
Q - What do you call a cultured Australian -
A - A New Zealander
Must stop this
Jim


10 Mar 20 - 07:59 AM (#4038753)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Whats black & blue and floats in the Tasman Sea?
A Kiwi that tells Ozzie jokes..........


10 Mar 20 - 08:14 AM (#4038756)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

" floats in the Tasman Sea?"
Must have been trying to escape from Australia
Having said that, I have the greatest respect for Australia - I have an Irish cousin who settle and raised her family there - and loves it
I fell madly in love with the Australian girls who took 'The Great Trek' to London in their camper vans and took over some of my favourite pubs for a time
We took my late mate, Tommy Munnelly to the wonderful Elizabethan pup, 'The George' in Southwark when we visited us in London
When Tommy asked for 'two glasses of bitter' - the very attractive Australian woman behind the bar replied, "We don't serve it in buckets luv'
Later I went to buy my round and commented on what a beautiful pub The George was I was told, "It's like working in a ****** museum mate"
How could you possible dislike people like that !!!
Jim


11 Mar 20 - 04:45 AM (#4038973)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

When I moved to London I was befriended by two singers who used to take me on bookings with them
On long car journeys we invented a game, reinventing names of songs and ballads - I've always wanted to add to it

I can remember:
The Unquiet Gravy'
The Dowie Dens of Marrow'
The Grey Coc-au-Van'
'Hang Down Your Head Tandoorie'
Terrapin Hero
The False Kite on the Toad
Allan Tyne of Marrow
The Bonnie Scouse of Airly

Peggy Seeger never found that we'd re-named her beautiful, Hello Friend, I see you're a stranger' "Hello Fiend, I see you're a strangler"

I'll try and remember more later, but I'd be grateful for additions
Jim Carroll


12 Mar 20 - 07:51 PM (#4039255)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.

The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"

The guy says "There's a genie standing right outside your door and he's granting wishes. I bet he's still there if you hurry."

The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The guy says,"Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"


13 Mar 20 - 04:08 AM (#4039274)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Wooonderful BDE

A man serving a long sentence fills his time watching and feeding a mouse that has nested in his cell - he becomes intrigued with its behavior so he sets about training it to do tricks
He teaches it to walk on its hind legs, to somersault and eventually, to dance to tunes he whistles
When he is finally released, he manages to slip it into his pocket, intending to make his fortune from it
He heads for the nearest bar hoping to earn a free pint with it - he calls the barman over, places it on the counter and sets it off dancing
The barman stares at it for a minute, reaches for a tray and squashes it flat saying, "this place is crawling with the dirty little fuckers"
Jim Carroll


13 Mar 20 - 06:00 AM (#4039295)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Erwin Shrödinger's last words
before you lower me into the ground, lift the lid & check


13 Mar 20 - 09:34 AM (#4039315)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Local West Clare Farmer J.C. Walsh's last words
"When I die, put me in my coffin face down so they can all kiss my arse
Jim Carroll


13 Mar 20 - 09:47 AM (#4039316)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler

This morning I saw an ambulance with "Patient transport services" on the side. Behind it was another sounding its horn and trying to overtake. I guess it was IMpatient transport services

I'll get me straitjacket.

RtS


13 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM (#4039326)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

In the paper yesterday, a fond grandparent told of his 4yr old grandson, whose parents always said, "Bon appétit" in restaurants etc.
The child has taken this in and now says, "Born up a tree!" before they eat. Not a joke but a true story, and it did make me laugh.


13 Mar 20 - 08:03 PM (#4039412)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’?‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of stupid person would name a bird Moses?’?The parrot replied………
’The same kind of person that would name his Rottweiler Jesus.’


14 Mar 20 - 11:49 AM (#4039517)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Where have you been all my life GS ???
Two more gems for the book

Pat't just come home from the Supermarket giggling
One of the new notices by the unwrapped food counter, regarding the health scare reads "customers must use thongs"
It's going to take me all afternoon to calm her down
Jim Carroll


14 Mar 20 - 12:27 PM (#4039525)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

For those who remember the advertising slogan for 'Philosan Health Tonic' - popular when I didn't need it

A man is admitted into hospital for the very first time - the first night he is so nervous he is unable to sleep
In the early hours, he spots a young nurse who silently slips into the ward and climbs into bed with an elderly man
a few minutes later, she clims out, and tiptoes down to another bed... and slowly makes her way completely around the room, then quietly slips out again
Next morning, the new man explains what he witnessed to one of the nurses
"Take no notice" she tells him, "That's Phyllis Anne - he fortifies the over forties"
JIm Carroll


14 Mar 20 - 12:53 PM (#4039529)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

For the songs-food thing, remember poor Miss Bayleaf (unfortunate miss Bayleaf)!


14 Mar 20 - 12:59 PM (#4039531)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Cheering me up no end
Jim


16 Mar 20 - 10:40 AM (#4039917)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

the addendump to never trust a fart is:

"Don't sit on a loose stool"


16 Mar 20 - 10:50 AM (#4039922)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Which reminds me
At a royal banquet HM let off a loud skirtlifter - oune of the great ad good sitting lose leapt to he feet, apoligised profusely and hurried from the room
An American ambassador sitting along the table, turns to his neigbour and askes - "What's with him - she did it"
He is told, "In Enland a gentleman always takes the blame for that sort of thing"
Shortly afterwards Madge lets another one go
The Yank leaps up and shouts up the table, "Relax ma-am, this one's on me"

In the same vein
A pupil in calls puts his hand up and asks, "Sir, does wind come in lumps"
"No, of course not" he is sternly told.
"Then I've shit myself"
Jim Carroll


16 Mar 20 - 10:51 AM (#4039923)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

It's the way I smell 'em
Jim


16 Mar 20 - 11:36 AM (#4039936)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A teacher farts in front of the class, reddens deeply and sais to the scruff sitting in the front desk, "Tommy - stop that"
"Certainly Miss, which way did it go?"
Jim


16 Mar 20 - 01:05 PM (#4039950)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

Did you hear about the hyenas that ate Oxo cubes?
They were the laughing stock of Africa.


16 Mar 20 - 02:40 PM (#4039963)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Ya goora larf - 'aven't you ?

A liverpool Catholic Schoolteacher, Peter Moloney, made his name in the sixties by listening to what his kids did, and then write them up

He describes how he was sitting outside the confessional in his church aiting to confess his sins, when he hears the priest roar out in the box: "What kind of a little girl are you?"
Came the reply: "I'm a little boy, father"

Two of his pupils were walking down the road near a local Priory when they see an elderly monk, dressed in black robes, bent double and hobbling along the road with some difficulty
One asks "Ay father, was you in the Ark"
"No of course I wasn't yo stupid boy" he snapped
"The why weren't you drowned" came the reply
Jim


17 Mar 20 - 01:54 PM (#4040273)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I must have told this before but it's such a depressing day here in 'closed for business' Ireland....
A handsome young boy is the sole survivor of a shipwreck on an idyllic desert island
There is plenty of food and water to survive and the lad grown into early manhood without ever meeting a fellow human being
Desperate to fill in the empty hours, he begins to be aware of his developing manhood and decides to do tricks with it
He sits on the pebble shore and begins to fist push pebbles along with it and later, to flick them into the sea
He develops his 'trick' to throw them further and further into the sea until h manages extremely impressive distances

One day he is sitting on the beach occupying himself, as usual, when a beautiful young woman, slightly his senior, swims ashore, the survivor of another shipwreck
"What are you doing?" she asks - he explains
"I'm sure we can find something far more enjoyable to do with that" she says
She sits beside him, puts an arm around his shoulder and begins to fondle him till he becomes very aroused - a totally new experience for him
Under her instructions, they begin to make love until, at last they both lay gasping on the beach
"What do you think of that?" she asks
"It was wonderful" he replies, "but I suppose you know you've ruined my flicker?
Jim


18 Mar 20 - 06:33 AM (#4040436)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A family of tortoises decided to go on a picnic
They packed their hamper and set off - it took a week to reach their chosen picnic ground
Mother tortoise started to unpack the hamper and, nearly finished, she suddenly said, "We've forgotten to pack the tin-opener"
Panic all round because most of the food was tinned
They debated the problem and argued who should go back for the tin-opener
They finally decided to toss a coin Tommy, the youngest lad (aged 40) lost
He argued at first but finally agreed to go, sayig , "Don't start without me"
They patiently waited - one week, two weeks, three weeks.... no sign of Tommy
Finally she said, "I don't know about you, I'm starving, lets have some bread and cheese
She made some sandwiches and they were just about to tuck in when Tommy popped his head up over the top of the rise and said, "I told you not to start without me - I'm not going"
Jim Carroll


18 Mar 20 - 09:38 AM (#4040466)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

I sat watching a video one night when I was with my ex wife. She was baking in the kitchen. I started to shout... 'No No don't do it, it's a trap'!!!! She shouted 'What are you watching'?......... I replied 'Oh just our wedding video'


18 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM (#4040490)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Oh dear !!
Local story told around here about the annual matchmaking festival in Lisdoonvarna
An elderly bachelor farmer farming one of the rough pieces of land on the Burren used to drive into Lisdoon on his donkey and cart whenever he ran out of provisions - he'd usually buy what he neded, load up the flatback cart and have a few pints, before driving home
One day, forgetting the Matchmaking Festival was on, he hitched up the cart and drove in, a little confused at firt at all the strangers
When he remembered, he stocked up and loaded the cart, had his usual pints and set off home
As he drove through town he saw a young woman standing at the side of the road hoping to be 'taken on, so he stopped, made a deal with her, sat her on the top of the provisions and drove out of town
A mile out of town, as he turned off the main road onto the rough 'green track' up the steep hill leading home the wind began to get up, it clouded over and it began to spatter with rain
The cart was rather heavily loaded and, what with the extra weight of the woman, the donkey began to struggle - after a few hundred yards, it stumbled
"That's one" said the farmer, and drove on
A short distance later the same thing happened and the poor animal stumbled again
"That's two" said the farmer again
Puzzled, the young woman said nothing
A mile further the donkey stumbled for the third time
The farmer reached for an ash-plant on the pleasure board beside him, got down, walked to the front and struck the beast a mighty blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead
In horror, the girl jumps down
"What did you do that for" she screams, the poor beat was overloaded and couldn't help slipping, besides, it's getting dark and bucketing with rain and we're still nowhere near any signs of life......"
"That's one" says the farmer.
(also found in the Appalachians)
Jim


18 Mar 20 - 06:06 PM (#4040565)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A passenger in a taxicab on the way to the airport gently tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. To the passenger's surprise, the driver let out a horrendous scream and nearly lost control of the cab, nearly striking a pedestrian and stopping just inches from a store's plate glass window.

"Oh my!" said the passenger, "I didn't mean to frighten you. I only wanted to ask a question. I'm sorry."

"No, no." replied the driver, "It was my fault. It was just a bit unexpected. This is my first day driving a taxicab. For the last twenty-five years, I've been driving a hearse."


19 Mar 20 - 01:20 PM (#4040732)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

That's what we need in these worrying times - two fingers to our problems BDE

Just heard on the radio that they're burying the victims of the pandemic in Dublin - without coughin'

Keeping the home fires burning
A teacher announced to her Social Science class that she would be concentrating on things medical next time so they should bring in something appropriate to discuss
When the day arrived and she asked for examples a little girl handed in a packet of plasters
"Very good Mary" - and they discussed their uses
Next came another girl, who offered up a bottle of Iodine - the same again
She was about to move on when the tearaway of the class, late as usual, bust through the classroom door wheeling an Iron Lung.
Astounded, the teacher said, "That's amazing Tommy - where did you get it?"
It's my father's" came the reply
"Didn't he mind your borrowing it - what did he say when you took it ?"
"Arghhhhhhhhhh !" he said
Jim Carroll


19 Mar 20 - 02:39 PM (#4040747)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

A young courageous bloke
thought Covis was a joke
When he went on crowded outings
People heard him shouting
"I'm not going to croa


20 Mar 20 - 03:36 AM (#4040837)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: BobL

Come on Don, you can do better. How about:

A bold but imprudent young bloke
Held that covid 19 was a joke
On his out-and-aboutings
Everyone heard his shoutings
"I'm blowed if I'm going to cr..."

Sorry, but limericks that don't scan* really get on my wick

* with honourable exceptions like the Young Man from Japan of course


20 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM (#4040840)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Another Buren Story (probably told this too)
A couple, getting on in years, farmed a rough piece of land on The Burren
The nearest farm was a mile and there were a few others scattered around the area, but it was a pretty lonely life
She would occasionally ride around on her bike to some of the neighnouring farms and swap bits and pieces of produce she'd grown in her vegetable garden, but apart from that, their only contact with the outside world was a visit to Lisdoonvarna on the donkey and cart for provisions
One day she announced she was going to ride down to Lisdoon to get her hair done - a thing he'd never remembered her doing
He thought to himself that it must be an anniversary or something he'd forgotten, in which case there might be a treat for him that night when they went to bed
When she rode off, he set about cleaning the house from top to bottom, something he'd never done in his life
He dusted, he swept the floor, polished the delph, washed down all the surfaces - he even took down the curtains and shook them in the yard
He cleaned the bedroom, put on fresh bed linen, and carefully placed candles around the room to create a romantic atmosphere
As he was just finished, he happened to look under the bed and spotted a large wooden box, which he dragged our and opened it
Inside it was crammed with money, coins and notes, carefully placed on top were three chickens eggs
He shoved the box back and waited for his wife to return,
When she eventually did, she was stunned to see what he had done
He said, "I thought it must be a spacial day, you getting you hair done, so I thought we'd do something different"
The thanked him and said she'd cook something nice instead of the usual bacon and cabbage
"But what's that box under the bed?", he asked
"She collapsed in a chair, looking very embarrassed, though a moment and finally said, "To tell you the truth John, I have to confess I've been unfaithful to you"
"How do you mean?" he asked
She said, "Well, when I visited neigbours sometimes and found the wife out, me and the husband... well, you know"
"And the eggs....?", he said   
"Well, each time I did it I was so ashamed I took a new laid egg from under the chickens and placed it in the box to remind me not to do it again"
He was shattered; he stood there silent for a minute and finally said, "Well, we've been together forty years and you haven't had much of a life with me, what with the farm and everything - so I suppose three times in all those years is understandable, so I forgive you - but what about the money?
"Well, each time I got enough eggs I rode around and sold them to the neighbours and put the money in the box for a rainy day"
Jim


20 Mar 20 - 06:52 AM (#4040868)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

God got frustrated and bored, at a distance all God heard were millions of people praying that their project to "PLEASE LET IT GO VIRAL.."
For the sake of some peace and quiet our prayers were answered.





THOU SHALT NOT COVID THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE
OR OX


20 Mar 20 - 07:46 AM (#4040879)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

The King's fair land was invaded by the Plague. He watched from his tower and proclaimed "All is well". As fewer people could be seen The King proclaimed "All is well" despite his army and doctors already dead from th plague. Finally the King died from the Plague and already aflame with the fires of Hell and stood before St Peter.
"Why do you bring this agony to me." screamed the king. St Peter said "It is not I, it is, ALL HIS WILL".


20 Mar 20 - 08:03 AM (#4040881)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

another brilliant camouflage


20 Mar 20 - 08:04 AM (#4040882)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Tommy Robinson died and was immediately sent down to Hell
The Devil greeted him and showed him around - they went into a room where everybody was standing waist deep in barrels of shit
"Well" said Robinson, it's not good but it's nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be"
"You've come during their tea break" said the Devil, "Back on your heads lads"
Jim


20 Mar 20 - 08:23 AM (#4040887)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

This was the first joke I learned at 5. But my version included a motorboat.


20 Mar 20 - 09:19 AM (#4040891)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Thank you Mr President for playing Match Game
Your #1 answer for what makes a Good President is
"Popularity"...Audience Survey says... Integrity, oo
Your #2 answer is
"High Fashion"..Survey says..Compassion... sorry , so close
Your #3 answer is
"Good Teeth" . Survey says ...Good Team... ohh so close again
Your #4 answer is..
"EXCELLENCE"... Survey says...Intelligence... Oh thats close enough
YOU WIN!


20 Mar 20 - 09:59 AM (#4040898)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

It's a bloody joke thread fer chrissake. Take your Trump obsession elsewhere.


20 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM (#4040900)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

There was this mathematician who was so scared of negative numbers that he'd stop at nothing to avoid them...

I'll get me coat...


20 Mar 20 - 10:56 AM (#4040923)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Then there was the constipated mathematician who was forced to work it out with a pencil
Get my coat while you're there Steve
Jim


20 Mar 20 - 02:12 PM (#4040963)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Steve you're not supposed to take Colon Blow up your nose.


20 Mar 20 - 02:18 PM (#4040967)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Relax and have a nice bowel of chicken soup.


20 Mar 20 - 02:34 PM (#4040970)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Boris just said moments ago "I have not received the credit I deserve".

- CLEARLY SINCE HE'S NOT BEEN HUNG UPSIDE DOWN LIKE MUSSOLINI


20 Mar 20 - 06:17 PM (#4041022)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Subject: RE: BS: New rules for the coming pandemic
From: Donuel - PM
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 01:49 PM

...
The US Preident just said moments ago "I have not received the credit I deserve".

- CLEARLY SINCE HE'S NOT BEEN HUNG UPSIDE DOWN LIKE mUSSOLINI



So, which one was it Donuel, Boris or Donald?

DC


20 Mar 20 - 06:31 PM (#4041023)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

He's said both, in two different threads, Doug. That's fine. But, in this thread, there was no joke. Donuel can't do jokes. I suppose there comes a point when he's so bloody unfunny that he becomes funny. We have a long way to go.


20 Mar 20 - 06:48 PM (#4041026)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Many a true word said in jest? Yesterday, Elizabeth Windsor, plus corgi, made way for our new Buckingham Public Hospital.


21 Mar 20 - 08:27 AM (#4041118)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

When we have all died of the Corona virus and some aliens land on this planet..... They will assess that we have all died of the virus but will wonder why all our backsides are so clean.


21 Mar 20 - 08:46 AM (#4041119)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

One thing we can learn form history is: that we don't learn anything from history.


21 Mar 20 - 08:53 AM (#4041122)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

Here's one Neil D. put up in another thread:

I'm a guy with Corona virus looking for a woman with Lyme disease.


21 Mar 20 - 09:30 AM (#4041128)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Corona with Lyme = love it.

Many Musicians are offering new lyrics
Billy Joel 'And we are All Fired Together'


22 Mar 20 - 07:13 AM (#4041270)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Q. How do you turn a duck into an R&B singer?


A. Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

I'll. get me coat again...


22 Mar 20 - 09:36 AM (#4041283)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Queen Victoria and Prince Albert are being shown around the Crimea War military hospital at Chatham and the Queen is stopping at each bed to talk to the soldiers
At the first asks, "What are you here for soldier?"
"Piles ma-am", he said
And what treatment will you get?" she asked
"Rub of the wire brush ma-am", came the reply.
"And what are your ambitions soldier?" she asked
"To get well, get back to the front and fight for Queen and country ma-am" he said proudly   
On to the next.
"And what are you being treated for soldier?"
"Syphilis, I'm ashamed to say ma-am" he replied
Unfazed, she asked, "And what's the treatment, soldier?"
"Rub of the wire brush ma-am", came the reply."
"And what are your ambitions when you are cured soldier?" she asked
"To get well, get back to the front and fight for Queen and country ma-am" he said proudly   
She nodded and moved on to the next man
"And why are you here, soldier?"
"Acute pyorrhea of the gums ma-am" he mumbled
"And what's the treatment for that soldier?"
"Rub of the wire brush ma-am", came the reply."
"And what are you hope for soldier?" she asked
"To get treated before those other two dirty bastards ma-am" he said
Jim Carroll


24 Mar 20 - 05:38 AM (#4041740)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

The latest Russian coronavirus patient has been named:- Ivor Chestikov.

DC


24 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM (#4041773)
Subject: RE: BS: Sweet Caroline
From: Donuel

Where it began, I can't begin to knowing
But then I know it's growing strong
Was in the spring
And spring became the summer
Who'd have believed it would come along
Hands, not touching hands
Reaching out, not touching me, not touching you

Sweet Quarantine
Good times never seemed so bad
I've been inclined
To believe we never could
But now I
Look at the night and it don't seem so lonely
We filled it up with only two
And when I hurt
Hurting runs off my shoulders
How can I hurt without holding you
One, not touching one
Reaching out, not touching me, not touching you…
Sweet Quarantine...








Source: LyricFind


24 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM (#4041778)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

(the heart goes on)

Every night on TV
I see it, I hear it
That's how I know Covid goes on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Here, there, wherever you are
I believe that the virus goes on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my nose
And my cough will go on and on
Covid can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go 'til we're gone

Once more…you open the door...


These are not meant to be funny in case you didn't know


24 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM (#4041780)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Then, um, why are they here?


24 Mar 20 - 08:58 AM (#4041781)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

Not funny, not clever, wtf are they doing on a joke thread.


24 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM (#4041805)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A couple of 'Lime Street' jokes - probably told them before, but I need cheering up
AS friends of 'Maggie May' will know, Lime Street was once the notorious Liverpool 'Red Light' district, particularly in wartime and when Liverpool was a major seaport
Two friends ran a fish and chip shop on Lime Street but when WW2 came, what with the difficulty of fishing because of the UBoats and the rationing of potatoes, it became nearly impossible to get supplies and custom dropped to a standstill
One day one of them said to his mate, "Let's pack in the shop and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", said his mate, "If we can't sell fish and chips how are we going to sell soup ?"

A mouse was crossing the tramlines on Lime Street one night - as he reached the centre the tram's front wheels ran over his tail and cut it clean off
As he turned to see if he could find it, the back wheels cut his head off
The moral of the story - Don't lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim


24 Mar 20 - 11:52 AM (#4041824)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I was told this by a Liverpool docker we recorded who fought in the trenches in WW1
He was worried I would take it as being racist - it wasn't, of course, neither was he
A West Indian living in Liverpool was told by the doctor he was dying and was asked would he like to donate his body parts - he said he would, but only if they would tell him who was getting his heart
Reluctantly, the doctor agreed and gave him the name and address of the recipient, somewhere in Toxteth, on the east side
He went along to the address and knocked at the door; out came a huge, beer-bellied thug, body, piercing, skinhead haircut, Union Jack tee-shirt, the lot
"What the ***** do you want ?" he was asked.
"To tell you the truth, I've found out I'm dying and have donated my body to medical science - you're going to get my heart"
"Thank **** for that" came the reply, "I thought you were coming to live next door"


25 Mar 20 - 03:54 AM (#4041949)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Queen Victoria at Chatham again
She prided herself on her stoicism and was determined not to comment on the horrors she was shown, no matter how bad
As her visit proceeded she suspected she was being sheltered from some of the worst, so she demanded to see them all
Reluctantly her hosts conducted her to a locked room at the back of the hospital where they treated some of the very worst cases - missing limbs, some limbless, blindness, maiming beyond belief.... everything imaginable
She never commented
She noticed a curtained-off section at the very back and demanded to be shown what it contained - they attempted to argue, but she demanded her royal right
In the room was a single bed that, at first appeared to be empty - when they drew back the covers there was a single ear on the pillow
She gasped and drew back in horror- "that's awful", she said
"I know Your Majesty", said the doctor, "and it's deaf"
Jim


25 Mar 20 - 04:13 AM (#4041953)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

A chap with a wooden leg was hopping down the High Street, and as he progressed he was seen pouring melted caramel over his head.
Turns out he was on his way to a fancy dress party, going as a toffee apple.


25 Mar 20 - 04:34 AM (#4041960)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I know I've told this numerous times - my favourite, told to us by a retired building worker from Clare, an ex farmer, fisherman and curragh maker living in Deptford
A Clare farmer was working in the fields when he caught his leg on a piece of rusty barbed wire
He did nothing about in until, after a few weeks, it began to redden, get sore and swell
It became so bad he was forced finally to go to Ennis hospital where he was told it had become gangrenous and would have to be removed
A neighbour came to see him the day after the operation and asked, "How did it go Tommy?"
"Bad and good" he replied, "they cut the wrong leg off"
"That's terrible" the neighbor said
"Not too bad, the other one's getting better"
Jim


25 Mar 20 - 09:14 AM (#4041999)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A man with a long term problem of a dripping willie gets fed up of the embarrassment and ruined clothes and goes to the doctor for advice
He is told, "there's no regular cure, but I have a colleague who believes he's come up with the answer"
The man goes to see him and the colleague explains, "I'm pretty sure it works but the operation is pretty painful; I have to take a hair from your nose and insert it as far up your penis as I can manage"
He agrees and undergoes the very uncomfortable process and is told, "now go off and try it"
He does so, has a pee and waits; he is dismayed to see a large dewdrop appear
It hangs there; he waits and waits and waits, until finally his willie gives a huge "sniffff"
Jim


25 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM (#4042054)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Richard Feynman talk, "Los Alamos From Below"

1.3 hours, 10 laughs a minute. Yet very inspiring, he was a comedy genius as well one of the best physicists of his era. If you are self-isolating well worth waiting for the story of the safes at the end.

Enjoy


26 Mar 20 - 04:17 PM (#4042274)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

An Amrican tourist drving a big car touring Devon, turned off the main roads and becan to explore the rural back lanes
Not noticing how narrow they were getting, he eventually found himself inable to go back and had to proceed forwward untileventually he reached a stream which crossed the road as a ford
Worried at the possible depth, he degts out of the acr and spaeks to an elderly farmer leaning on his gate
On asking him how deep it was he was told, somewhat laconically, "You'll be all right sir"
He climbs back in and proceeds - the river rises over the tyre level and eventually begins to flood into the car
Furious, he gets out, wades ashore, and storms back to the farmer
"I thought you said I'd be all right" he shouted
"Well sir, it only comes half-way up my ducks", came the reply
Jim


26 Mar 20 - 04:40 PM (#4042279)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Boy in Catholic confessional: "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you!”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads ..."


26 Mar 20 - 04:55 PM (#4042282)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

It seems that tourists are particularly liable to ask the wrong question of the wrong peasants. Coming to a ford similar to that mentioned above, one visitor to the area asked a nearby local, one J---- D----, whether there were "a good bottom to it" (and therefore safe to cross). He was assured that there was indeed a good bottom.

Emerging, predictably and spluttering from the water, which was much deeper than expected, he roared at the local, "you said it had a good bottom to it!" In response, he was calmly told, "there is a good bottom to it, ye're just not at it yet". (c. 1930)


26 Mar 20 - 11:04 PM (#4042330)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store, where he...






...ordered a dozen sausages in perfectly intelligible English.


27 Mar 20 - 04:09 AM (#4042343)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A woman getting on in years was delivered of her tenth child
The doctor took her aside and told her that, at her age, maybe it was time she stopped having children
"I kniow doctor" she said, "it's all because of my being hard of hearing"
"How do you mean" asks the doctor ?
"Well", she says, "Each night we go to be bed he asks, ""Shall we go to sleep or what ?"" - I always say ""What?""
Jim Caarroll


27 Mar 20 - 11:28 AM (#4042427)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

quote of Fakebook - ironical - waht?

We didn't have a fake News until we had a Fake President...


27 Mar 20 - 12:41 PM (#4042438)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

" "there is a good bottom to it, ye're just not at it yet". (c. 1930)"
Bee interested to know where that came from

My family were among those who fled the Famine and they still told (surprisingly humourous stories of those times
A Connemara man, naving been told that the streets of England were lined with gold, set out on the great journey
Landing in Liverpool, he was walking up the Floating Roadway when he say a half crown gleaming on the floor
He bent to pick it up, paused, straightened and kicked it in The Mersey saying "Feck it - I'll start in the morning"

My dad wa a reluctant navvy and he spent a great deal of time helping organise the men for winning better conditions on the sites
When he left, after my twin sisters were born, he kept in touch with his former mates who were constantly asking his advice
We were living in Kirkby, not far from The East Lancashire Road so one day two of them working there knocked on the door asking him could he help organise a meeting
He went to the local Priest who was sympathetic and got permission to use the local Church Hall - on the night of the meeting, he went with his mates - this was around the time that the church were using Bingo sessions to raise money
My day came home from the meeting and told the family, "They've got a new game over there - the proest hands outt cards with numbers on them and then calls out a series of number - if you get the right ones, you win a prize,
He's calling the numbers out in Irish so the Protestants can#'t win
Jim


27 Mar 20 - 12:56 PM (#4042443)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

I am reminded of my mom, whose Hungarian accent lightly overlaid with German, Serbian and French, made her English, shall we say, interesting. An interested cabbie once asked her where her accent was from, and she said, Eet comes frrom trrrying to speak Eenglish!


27 Mar 20 - 01:26 PM (#4042447)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

An Italian millionaire had a mansion built in Millionaire's Row in London
When it was finished he was highly pleased with everything but he demanded of the site manager "Where's the Halo Statue"
Puzzled, the man went out and purchased a large stature of The Virgin Mary
"No, no, no!!" screamed the man, holding his hand to his ear "Halo 's t'at you"
Jim


27 Mar 20 - 01:54 PM (#4042456)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh


27 Mar 20 - 02:25 PM (#4042461)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Don't know what happened there! Anyway, re. the "good bottom" to the river, the source for that is Donegal (told to me in late 1970s, maybe early 1980s, but going back to the Thirties). Same source, more or less the same time:

At a time, there was this scheme to charge a licence fee for dogs. I see it's come back again, since the Irish Government is among the finest examples of the dictum that the one thing every government learns from its predecessor is the art of extracting money from the population. But, to our tale. Some kind of an official, a warden or inspector or member of the Council was, in pursuit of dogs, a man goin' round takin' names. Farmers were, as usual, particularly targeted. The Dog-Man came to the same JD, and, on asking him did he know of any dogs in the area, was immediately informed that he knew of at least half-a-dozen. Eagerly, the official asked, officially, where these doggies were.
JD didn't even need to speak, just indicated the river....


27 Mar 20 - 02:35 PM (#4042462)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

The story about the recently arrived immigrant reminds me of other such tales originating in this shared experience. One involved the Irishman who lost his footing on the wet cobbles of the street in Liverpool, slipped, and sat down heavily and no doubt painfully, but amusingly to two local Polis. The Sergeant said, "ah, Paddy, you'll find the streets of Britain are tricky of themselves", to which our hero responded, "Tricky and all as they are, I made them kiss my arce".
That's not a "typo", but an authentic spelling from a local (an aunt spelled it thus in a letter. To my mother).


27 Mar 20 - 03:41 PM (#4042474)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Thanks for that B - and the story
I suppose you know about Government 'Half Crown' award to all families who produced children which gave a new significance to "making a half Crown"
HERE
More tomorrow - only just got started
Jim


27 Mar 20 - 06:32 PM (#4042501)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

I haven't heard the song re. "Oul' de Valera" and the (uncharacteristically generous) bounty per child, though I've heard others in a similar vein delivered by those who can do them justice. Many of the jokes I heard of the kind instanced above are really the records, probably improved in the telling, of witty ripostes made ex tempore by various local characters ("Worthies" as they would once have been called in Scotland).

One such was "Tramp McG-----", born in the year of 1848 and living till he was "well over the hundred"; he said he was starting the second century a hell of a lot healthier than he started the first. Anyway, he is said to have asked a Nun about the ring on her finger, and got the conventional reply about being married to Christ. "The dear-me-save-us!" said he, as he always does in these short tales, "but ye aimed high for a husband."

Good Luck,
ABCD.

* It's often said that there's not a road in Ireland named after "The Chief" because none could be found that is long enough and crooked enough. Actually there's a Bothar de Valera in Letterkenny. Donegal is different.


28 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM (#4042546)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Another of my dad's stories
The sanitary conditions (when there were any) on the sites he worked on consisted of digging a large hole, placing a plank balanced on two oil drums across it and then dropping a shed over it
When the hole was full it was moved elsewhere and the old one filled in
My dad went in to one of these sheds at one time and found a workmate up his knees in the mess, fishing around with his arm
"What are you doing down there Tommy ?" he asked
"Well Jimmy; I came in to make myself comfortable, took my jacket off and hung it over the plank and it fell in - I'm trying to find it"
"You couldn't possibly wear it after it's been in there" said my dad
"I know that, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Jim


28 Mar 20 - 10:21 AM (#4042595)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Some months later, I understand the same gentleman lost an ear in an accident involving a blade on the end of a plumb-line. A quick search found a bleeding ear, but the injured and bleeding workie said it couldn't be his. He always had a pencil tucked behind his.


28 Mar 20 - 11:00 AM (#4042603)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A young 'nipper' (tea lad) working on the road outside Doncaster went into town to a dance one Saturday night and became very friendly with a local girl
He walked her home and she asked him would he like to come in for a while
"You'll have to be very quiet and not wake up my parents" she told him
They both quietly slipped in, got comfortable on the sofa and started to.... what young people do
After a half hour he whispered, "Can I use your toilet ?"
"Would the kitchen sink do ?" she asked, "I daren't let you go upstairs"
"That'll do fine", he said
He disappeared into the kitchen and, after a while he popped his head around the kitchen door and whispered, "Have you got any paper ?"
Jim


28 Mar 20 - 12:14 PM (#4042628)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Read that one, almost word for word really, in a Student Magazine from about 1980! Another in the same publication involved neighbours, one young man and a similarly single young woman, in the days when houses were small and simply furnished, and while they may have had inside plumbing with a sink and tap there was nothing like washing-machines, far less dishwashers. There were not any inside toilets either, but each of these neighbours had a little outhouse at the end of the yard.
    The young man wished often to speak with the young lady, but seldom had the opportunity and in any case became awkward and tongue-tied in her presence. Anyway, as far as I recall, he decided "Dutch courage" was called for, and fortified himself with a shot or two of [insert proprietary brand] whiskey. Maybe he overdid it, because when he looked from his window and saw the young lady making her way elegantly across her yard, he stumbled slightly as he hastened to speak to her over the wall, but recovered himself sufficiently to say hello and try to pass the time of day. She was pleasant enough, which must have caused his shyness to resurface. He couldn't think what to say to continue the conversation. He glanced round desperately for ideas. He scanned the house, the yard, the gate, the outhouse, the little patch of worn grass..
      It was but a moment till inspiration struck. Pleasantly, politely, he enquires, "So, ye gaun' furra sh-te, then?"


28 Mar 20 - 01:59 PM (#4042646)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"Read that one, almost word for word really, in a Student Magazine from about 1980! "
Really ? - my dad told me that when I was at school (he died in 1965)
Funny how they get around !!

Another from him
Two navvies in a pub - one asked the other "How's your digs (accommodation)?"
"Terrible", came the reply, "You can't get a piss in the sink for dirty dishes"


28 Mar 20 - 02:54 PM (#4042656)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Jim, since I know from other threads you like tracing things back to "original versions" (hah!), it may be of interest to know that a variant of that situation occurs at the beginning of the famous Glasgow book, "No Mean City". It's not a joke, either (not many laughs in the Gorbals). A third variant was the way I heard it, a man complaining that his wife was lazy &c.; "and there's always dishes in the sink when I go furra p-sh".

The way that jokes &c. re-appear, often with slight changes, would be an interesting "minor key" accompaniment to discussions about what I've heard called "parallel versions" of songs (whether or no they were noted down by Child or anyone).Good Luck.


28 Mar 20 - 03:55 PM (#4042667)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I remember the book - I read it in my youth (mis-spent youth)
Maybe that's where my dad got it - he was Liverpool Irish but was born in Glasgow - I'm pretty sure he only used razors for shaving though !!
Jim


28 Mar 20 - 05:19 PM (#4042684)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

An open razor is also good for sharpening pencils, though.

One time, on a crowded train in Glasgow, I and others listened with interest to a wee jakie singing, loudly and not entirely tunelessly, a couple of songs associated with one local football team. Otherwise, he was chiefly remarkable for a network of healed slashes across cheeks and jawline. He didn't have much interest in fashionable, or even clean clothes either. The drink had encouraged his compulsion to perform, and evidently diminished his instinct for survival, since it was the weekend and, at the time, the compartment was crowded mainly with supporters of the other major local team. The wee Glesga Kamikaze sung on regardless. At an opportune pause for breath, someone asked loudly, "hi, pal? 'sat how ye goat yir face like that?"
Rerr chanter, but.


28 Mar 20 - 05:39 PM (#4042692)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

So the two found a deep-looking hole. One tosses a pebble in, but they never hear it hit bottom. So they llok around and find a big rock and toss that in- no sound. So the hunt more and find a railroad tie and chuck that in- nothing. So they scout around to find a boulder, when along comes a goat, runs full-tilt into the hole... Still no sound of anything hitting bottom. They are trying to wrestle a boulder over when a farmer comes up and asks, seen a goat anywhere? Well, the two say embarrassedly, I think your goat just jumped into that there hole. Oh, no, says the farmer, that wasn't *my* goat.

*My* goat was tied to a railroad tie.


28 Mar 20 - 06:26 PM (#4042702)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash

Born in Glasgow but was 'Liverpool Irish' how on earth does that work?

No more Irish than I am and I've no Irish in me at all that I can find.

Love the country, love the people. I even live in the country but would never even try and claim to be Anglo-Irish.

I'm a blow-in and always will be.

Anyhow ………… back in the 70's a young lad from Clifden out on the Connemara was on his way North to visit some friends. He got stopped by squaddies at the border "Whats you name" …… Patsy O'Donaghue was the answer. "Where're you from" ……… Clifden "where's that" ……… the Connemara "where's that" ……….. County Galway "Why didn't you tell us that" .. I just did "where are you going" ….. Derry " you mean London derry" ……..... No I mean Derry.

Pull into that layby and turn your engine off. So he pulls into the layby and 20 minutes later the squaddies return. "whats you name" .. Patsy O'Donaghue" "where're you from" ………. Clifden ………… it goes on as before ……….. "where are you going" ……… Derry "you mean Londonderry" .. No I mean Derry.

"wait here, take your keys out of the ignition.

Another 20 minutes pass and the squaddies return .

"what's your name" …………… ah fuck it thinks the lad "I'm Patsy O'Donaghue and I'm going to Belfast!!"


28 Mar 20 - 07:29 PM (#4042715)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"Born in Glasgow but was 'Liverpool Irish' how on earth does that work?"
Both of my parent's families were born in Ireland - they moved to Liverpool -and were 'Liverpool Irish'
My father was born in Glasgow because his parents were market traders who travelled the country selling their wares (selff manufactured glue) and that's where they happened to be when my dad was born
They moved back to Liverpool where my dad was brought up
Wasn't it the Duke of Wellington who said "Because you were born in a stable that doesn't make you a horse"
I don't consider myself Irish or Anglo Irish, but now I live here I feel a greater affinity to it than I do England
'What's born in the blood..." as they say
I've got a tee-shirt saying "I'm a blow-in somewhere"

Your story's reminiscent of my mother-in-law's Jewish employer's experienced in Norther Ireland during the troubles
He was stopped at an unofficial checkpoint by armed, hooded men and asked
"Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"   
"I'm a Jew", he replied
Afret a slightly bemused pause and a whispered conversation between the men, he was asked, "Are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew ?"
Jim


29 Mar 20 - 04:31 AM (#4042770)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Heard in my local just before they all closed
Three Irishmen, a Cork man, a limerick man and a Kerry man were caught taking part in a bank raid in Paris where someone was shot
They were found guilt and sentenced to be guillotined
They were given the choice whether to lie face down or face up on the fatal day
The Cork man opted to lie face down, he did so and listened to the blade slide down towards his beck - suddenly it jammed an inch before it hit the fatal spot
He was taken down and reprieved by French law
The limeric man made the same choice and opted for face down - the same thing happened, the blade jammed and he was reprieved
When it was his turn, the Kerryman chose to face his fate bravely and was placed ready
As he waited, he stared up at the blade and said, "Hang on a minute, I think I can see what's wrong with this yoke"
Jim


29 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM (#4042880)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

It will come as no surprise at all to learn first that I heard a version of that as a child (!), and secondly, that it was in the form of a "Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman" joke. Guess who had the line attributed above to the lad from Kerry? An alternative way, avoiding the slight awkwardness of having that necessary choice, involves the Third Stooge, as it were, saying, "I'm not having anything to do wi' thon yoke, it's not working...".

Not really a joke, but connected with failures in the supposedly foolproof Guillotine, is Lord Byron's account of a multiple execution in France, obviously c. 1802 or after 1815. There must have been some irregularity in the mechanism, or the first prisoner struggled, but whatever the cause the blade did not cut through the neck, but right into the skull, obviously sticking half-way through. This produced quite an effect on the crowd and on the other prisoners, not to mention the skull. Byron wrote that he could barely bring himself to watch proceedings any further; "I do confess that the Opera Glasses fairly quivered in my hand".


29 Mar 20 - 01:19 PM (#4042910)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bill D

...so, there was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted.

So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question.

"Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?"

"Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger"

"Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!"

So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?"

"Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!"


29 Mar 20 - 05:13 PM (#4042953)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: MudGuard

Three men are sentenced to death by the firing squad.

The first one is tied to the pole, the firing squad marches into position.
At the moment they take aim, the sentenced man calls out "Earthquake!", and the firing squad flees in panic.
The man is released, as no one ever before had the idea of using that idea.

The second one is tied to the pole, the firing squad marches into position.
At the moment they take aim, the sentenced man calls out "volcano outbreak!", again the firing squad flees in panic.
The second man is released as well, same reason - no one before had the volcano idea.

So the third one gets tied to the pole, again the firing squad marches into position.
The third man thinks hard what catastrophy he could use to get free as well, but can't think of anything.
So the firing squad takes aim, and in that moment, the third man at last has an idea, and he calls ...

"Fire!"


30 Mar 20 - 09:26 AM (#4043109)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

What type of dog is best at magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.


30 Mar 20 - 04:46 PM (#4043222)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

My wife said to me, "Cor, these new slippers of mine are really uncomfortable!"

I looked at her and said, "But you've got them on the wrong feet!"

She said, "But these are the only feet I've got..."


30 Mar 20 - 04:49 PM (#4043225)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again...


30 Mar 20 - 06:58 PM (#4043251)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

A young woman took the Pill washed down with pond water. It's just been confirmed she's three months' stagnant.


30 Mar 20 - 07:25 PM (#4043253)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A visitor was being shown around a farm and they came to a sty with a pig inside with a wooden leg
The visitor bagan to laugh and the farmer protested saying, "Don't you dare laugh; that's a very brave animal - it saved my life three times"
"How do you mean ?"
"Well", he was told", last month a rabid dog came into the yard and attacked me - it cornered me against the sty there - That pig leapt over the fence and fought the dog off until help came"
"Amazing" said the man"
That's not all; shortly afterwards I was coming home drunk from the pub and I staggered and fell into the pond; I was too drunk to swim and the pig came to my rescue, grabbed my by the collar and hauled me out"
"That's unbelievable"
"That's nothing - I was working on that slope with the tractor; it overturned and the pig ran up, scraped me out with it's trotters then ran off to find help"
"That really is a magnificent beast" said the man, but why has it got a wooden leg ?"
"You don't eat an animal like that at one meal" he was told
Jim


30 Mar 20 - 08:14 PM (#4043260)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

This is true and I have to confess I didn't find it funny in at the time - takes a bit of time to tell - sorry
I used to be petrified of going to the dentist and as a result, had a lot of teeth problems when I was younger
On my first job on London I started having really bad pain - when I told my boss, he recommended me to "a very attractive young South African woman Dentist" nearby - "you'll enjoy a visit to her" he said "she's very well-built and has a habit of leaning very close over you when she examines you"
To my shame, this did much to overcome my fears, so I contacted her and made an appointment - when I explained my nervousness, she was very understanding and assured me she would render me unconscious before she did her work, if it was necessary - she told me to arrange for someone to get me home
   
At the time I was paired with an electrician who happened to be known as a practical joker, on the day I had arranged with him that I would not be in work on the day because of having to be knocked out for dental work
Earlier that week we had been working at a local farm where he had been given a frozen chicken and asked me did I want one if he could get another - a said I did

On the day, Pat agreed to pick me up from the Dentist, which she did - I was in a stupor, so when she took me home she had to lead me up the three fights of steep, winding stairs to our self-contained top floor flat - she left me slumped in a chair and returned to work
Shortly afterwards the front door ball reng and I made my way carefully down stairs and opened the front door to find there was nobody there but there was a cardboard box on the doorstep
I brought it inside, closed the front door and opened the box
A live chicken flew out   
I chased that poor bird up and down the stairs for an hour before I finally got it back into the box - when Pat got home she found chicken-shit covering the stairs from top to bottom
Jim


31 Mar 20 - 03:31 AM (#4043283)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A zebra was sent on an exchange visit to an English farm - he was warmly welcomed and introduced to all the stock one by one
It first met the chickens - "You're strange looking birds' what do you do?"
"We're chickens - we lay eggs for the farm and eventually, our meat is sold to feed the people and our feathers used to stuff pillows"
"Very good" he moved on
Next he met the pigs - "We're pigs, the farmer tends and feeds us and in return, when we die, our meat is sold off and our skin is used for various things"
"Very commendable" - on to the sheep, a similar story
Then on to the cows
"We're cows - we give milk for the farmer which brings him a good living, we produce babies regularly which increase his prosperity, and at the end of our practical usefulness, we are sold at the local mart, our meat goes to feed the nation and our hides are used for the manufacture of clothes"
"you really are valuable creatures, aren't you ?"

Tiring a little and hungry, he wanders off to the outskirts of the farm to find somewhere to graze - in the far distance he spots an enormous, well endowed magnificent bull tethered in a field
Intrigued, he trots over - "I suppose your another cow ?"
"**** off - I'm a bull"
"What do you do ?"
"Get those ****** pyjamas off and I'll show you"
Jim


31 Mar 20 - 11:23 AM (#4043369)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

It is exactly as hard to intentionally lose a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors as it is to win it.


31 Mar 20 - 06:25 PM (#4043446)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

The junior school teacher wrote the word "contagious" on the blackboard, explained to the class what it meant, then said to her class, "Right, now I want you to write a sentence using the word 'contagious'!"

After a while she called up little Julie to the front and said to her, "Right, Julie, would you like to read your sentence to the class?"

"Yes, miss," said Julie, "My dad saw the man next door painting his house with a two-inch brush, and he said that it would take the contagious."


31 Mar 20 - 07:29 PM (#4043452)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

An RE teacher was listing the descendants of Adam during a lesson:-

"And Enoch begat Methuselah:
And Methuselah begat Lamech.
And Lamech begat a son: And he called his name Noah ..."

She then instructed the pupils to take out their exercise books and write a sentence using the word 'begat'. One little lad thought for a while and then wrote:-

"If you can't fight, wear a big 'at"

DC


01 Apr 20 - 09:43 AM (#4043567)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

sound recording of the vernal jape


01 Apr 20 - 11:26 AM (#4043599)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A man walks into the doctors sugery, takes out his rather impressive penis and says, "will you have a look at that please?"
The doctor examines it closely and finally says, "I can't find a thing wrong with it"
"Not bad, is it?" says the man, puts it back and walks out

A Japanese man goes to the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor tells him he can treat it with pills; the man explains, "But this is different"
He drops his trousers and lets out w might "HONDA"
Confused, the doctor examines him closely and finally stands up, smiling
"You have an abscess, I'm afraid - easily treatable"
"But isn't it unusual to sound like that?" asks the man
"Not really" says the doctor, "In Britain we have a saying - "Abscess makes the fart go "HONDA"
Jim


03 Apr 20 - 11:12 AM (#4043796)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

2019: boy was I badass.
2020: hold my corona...


06 Apr 20 - 12:54 PM (#4044447)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

When Princess Margaret married Anthony Armstrong -Jones she sent a postcard to her sister Maj from their Honeymoon Hotel
The Queen tried to read it with difficulty, and said, "I think it says "What happiness", shook her head, peered at it and said "Bloody handwriting, no it doesn't, it says, What a penis"
Jim


06 Apr 20 - 08:15 PM (#4044552)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

How to play Trump Watching

First:
Who is this nobody?
"Nobody has ever seen such a great economy, Nobody has ever seen such great numbers. Nobody can believe such miracles I have made".
Does nobody mean No one or is there a real Mr. Nobody?
And what about fantastic?
"I have fantastic numbers. I have made fantastic progress".
Doesn't fantastic mean; imaginative or fanciful; remote from reality?
Doesn't incredible mean without credibility? the word Unbelievable is equal to incredible.

In the next daily 5 o'clock speech, listen for the frequency of 5 key words.
Count how many times you hear the words; nobody, fantastic, unbelievable incredible and tremendous.

Divide by the number of times of the word tremendous is mentioned and...

You will get a coefficient either above five or below 5.
Above 5 is a gigantic lieing ass hole
Below 5 is a huge lieing ass hole

^WARNING if you make this a 5 word drinking game you will die of alcohol poisoning.


07 Apr 20 - 04:00 AM (#4044595)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Trump Watching? I feel I am in a drunken stupor just watching!


07 Apr 20 - 06:29 AM (#4044624)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

You're dismally obsessed, Donuel. When I click on a joke thread I want to read a joke. You've posted many times to this thread but you have never posted a joke. And that's no joke.

"Doctor! Doctor! I have this awful feeling that everyone is ignoring me!"

"Next, please..."


07 Apr 20 - 06:44 AM (#4044630)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Doctor do you reccomend the new sex? "What do you mean?"
'Coming together' while practicing social distancing is pretty damn kinky.


07 Apr 20 - 06:50 AM (#4044632)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Another oldie
A clamber was trying his had out on the lower slopes of the Swiss Alps when he fell and broke his leg
He lat there for a while and, luckily, he was found by an alpine shepherd gathering in his flock for winter - too far to get help, the shepherd took him home, where he was welcomed by the women of the family, an attractive wife and a beautiful young daughter
The bound up his leg, made him comfortable and fed and clothed him - throughout the long nights they kept him entertained
In the deepest days of winter the shepherd painstakingly taught him to yodel
As the days began to get longer the shepherd made short trips out to see how conditions were improving - he returned after one particularly long trip to find the shepherd in bed with his daughter
Furious, he made a lunge for the door and began to limp his way down the mountain
Calming down, the shepherd stopped and roared after him;
"I rescued you, I brought you home, I fed you I gave you a bed, I even taught you to yodel - and how do you repay me - you defile my lovely daughter"
The climber sang back, "And your old layeedeee"
Jim


07 Apr 20 - 07:26 AM (#4044635)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

In the same vein
My mate in Manchester used to tell this at interminable length at the the time Manchester pubs all had a model of a St Bernard collecting for the local Red Cross - a true "Shaggy Dog" tale
A climber in the mountains found himself suddenly engulfed in fog
He rambled around for hours, days, finally weeks, totally lost, till at last he collapsed and prepared himself to die
Suddenly a St Bernard appeared over the ridge with a barrel hung around his neck
Angrily he shooed him away; "Feck off - I've already given"
Jim


07 Apr 20 - 01:29 PM (#4044678)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Is a harpist who's been temporarily laid off Furlough O'Carolan?

I'll get me coat...


07 Apr 20 - 01:53 PM (#4044680)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Stick around Steve but don't harp on that one or you might be strung up
Jim


07 Apr 20 - 01:54 PM (#4044681)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Did you know Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter ?
Jim


07 Apr 20 - 03:00 PM (#4044688)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A teacher of the children of the military staff at Camp X Ray in Guantanamo and a member of the security staff are forced to share accommodation due to shortage of space
Not knowing each others work, They got on pretty well until one evening the teacher flops down in the armchair, obviously very depressed
"What's up guy ?" asks the security man
"The tension in this place is beginning to interfere with my work", says the teacher
"How do you mean?"
Well - today I asked the class, " Who shot Abraham Lincoln, and one of the lads leapt up and said "Not me sir"
"Jeez - that's awful" said the security man and went away to mix him a drink to try and cheer him up
The next night the teacher obviously felt a little better and the night went fine until the security man said, "By the way, that little bastard did shoot Lincoln - he confessed"
Jim Carroll


09 Apr 20 - 03:03 AM (#4044791)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

"Doctor! Doctor! I have this awful feeling that everyone is ignoring me!"

"Next, please..."


Funny you should say that ....................... on so many levels!


09 Apr 20 - 03:47 AM (#4044797)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Somewhat bad taste I'm afraid (and another repeat, I'm sure)
A young man got a job as a barman'waiter in a large pub that was used regularly by the patients of a clinic for hearing and speech-impaired next door
The guv'nor carefully taught him the signing for all the drinks he was likely to be asked for and the young man seemed to take up the tast easily
He went through his first day without making a single mistake until closing time when the guv'not told him to call time
He walked into the br where he found it crowded with people, totally silent but all swinging their hands up to shoulder height in pefect rhythm
Puzzled, he went into the lounge to find exactly the same thing taking place
He sought out his boss and told him what was happening
"Shit - we'll never get them home now they've started to sing"
Jim


09 Apr 20 - 02:49 PM (#4044913)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou

Not exactly a joke, but on our village Facebook a lady had posted an advert for a children's book called 'Coronavirus Explained for Children'. A bloke in our village had posted underneath the following:-

"Look! Look John!" said Janet.
"The man next door is having a lot of friends to visit!"
"I can see the man, Janet" said John. "What a prick!"

And a letter in the dreaded Daily Mail today suggested using the tune to 'Blow the winds southerly' while at the sink and singing, "Wash your hands thoroughly, thoroughly thoroughly..."


09 Apr 20 - 03:24 PM (#4044918)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains'.......'mmmm You look a bit drawn, better go home and pull yourself together'!!


10 Apr 20 - 03:11 AM (#4044991)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: BobL

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bar of soap!
- That's life, Boy!


10 Apr 20 - 03:40 AM (#4044999)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"Please miss - can an ten year old become pregnant?"
"I don't think so Tommy"
Turning to a schoolmate, "I told you were were alright to give it a try Mary"
Jim


10 Apr 20 - 03:56 AM (#4045003)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

An attractive young woman goes to the doctor uncomplaining of a persistently irritated rectum
He has her lay face down on his couch and begins to examine her, takes a pair of tweezers, fishes around for a few minutes, eventually pulls out a beautiful red rose and hands it to her
"Is there a card?" she asks
Jim


10 Apr 20 - 08:22 AM (#4045056)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

'Doctor Doctor, my brother thinks he is an orange'........ ' Well you better bring him to see me'..... I have Doc... he's in my pocket.

'Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I am a pool ball'..... 'Just get to the end of the queue'.


10 Apr 20 - 09:43 AM (#4045063)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Doctor, I am having delusions, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, sometimes a teepee!

Calm down. You're too tense.

In the same vein, you can't run through a campground, you can only ran, because it is past tense.


10 Apr 20 - 10:57 AM (#4045083)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

One of Tommy Cooper's best
A retired miner goes around to his mate's house to take him for their usual Sunday morning pint
He knocks on the door and when it is opened, he asks his mate's wife, "Is Tommy coming for a pint ?"
She replies, "I'm afraid Tommy had a heart attack and died yesterday"
After a short pause he asks, "Did he say anything about a can of paint ?"
Jim


10 Apr 20 - 01:27 PM (#4045128)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A man goes to the doctors with a rash on his penis - the doctor examines him, straightens up and says, "You've got the clap"
The man says, "But I'm a virgin - I've never had sex"
Puzzled, the doctor asks him, "Do you masturbate"
"Yes I do" came the reply
"Do you do it fast or slow" asks the doctor
"Slow" says the man, "I like to savour it"
"That explains it" says the doctor, "You're suffering from slow hand clap"
Jim


10 Apr 20 - 03:22 PM (#4045163)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Sign seen outside Dollis Hill tube station: "If you're going to make a face mask out of an old bra, do make sure you use the left-hand cup. You don't want to go out looking like a right tit.."


10 Apr 20 - 10:49 PM (#4045239)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Ah, the Folk Tradition in action! That's a recycled "punchline" from the question,
"Why did Napoleon keep his right hand inside his waistcoat?" ("if it were his left, he'd feel a right tit", obviously).


11 Apr 20 - 08:30 AM (#4045309)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Must remember that B
A bit vulgar
A tramp looking for a hand--out calls into the priests house is invited in sat down in a front of a huge plate of sausages, and offered a bed for the night
He can't eat all the sausages and leave some on his plate - so he is shown to his bed
In the night he hears the bedroom door creak, and feels someone get in with him for the hospitality he says nothing
Next day, after he leaves he meets a fellow tramp looking for assistance - he tells him about the priests house
"Make sure you eat all the sausages though, otherwise they wait till you're asleep and shove them up your arse"
Sorry
Jim


11 Apr 20 - 08:50 AM (#4045315)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Just speaking of tramps:

Once upon a country road, FH was asked by a tramp-man for a fill of tobacco. So, a small lump was cut from a plug, shredded, rubbed, and pressed into place. A match was then, naturally, required. It was produced, and the pipe was lit. The tramp-man, while puffing vigorously, asked Frank if he could have a few matches just in case the pipe went out and had to be relit. So, the matches were passed over. The tramp-man thanked him, and went on his way. He had only travelled a few yards till Frank called after him, "and are ye all right for spit?"


12 Apr 20 - 05:59 AM (#4045494)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains'. - Ah! I think we should open you up and have a look.

feel a right tit - I still have the T-Shrt I made out of full stops in flock, asymmetrically placed. I do get asked what it says and only two ladies offered to read it, but one was blind and pronounced it correctly spelled.


12 Apr 20 - 06:24 AM (#4045501)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A mountainy man in the Appalachians came in looking for his gun, swearing he was going to kill his daughter's new boyfriend
When asked why he roared "His name is written in the snow in piss in our garden"
His wife said - "He's only a young feller he means no harm"
"Yeah - sure - it in our Ellie's handwritin'"

Gives the title to Vance Randolph's collection of bawdy tales "Pissing in the Snow"
Jim


12 Apr 20 - 11:16 PM (#4045719)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

"Mountainy man"! Last time I heard that was on RTE about forty years ago, either "The Year of the French" or maybe "The Irish RM". Anyway, many years ago, when I was by no means the retired scholar, aesthete, and widely acknowledged expert on every subject under the Sun that I now claim to be, I encountered a Character, a fairly close relative of Bigfoot, in the wilds of Argyle. As part of a research project, I had to collate data from several sources at frequent intervals, and for the purpose was living in a former bothy. Whin bushes and twisted thorn trees grew for miles around. On the second evening, there came a heavy rap at the door; in lurched MacBigfit. "Therr's gaunae be a hoose-party owre the way, roun' aboot hauf seven, bit o' drinkin', bit o' smoke, bit o' ROCK&ROLL, some wild sex, maybe a bit o' fightin' an' yellin', come on over." All it lacked was a little card on a silver tray. So I asked, politely, whether there were any "Dress Code", would "Smart-Casual" be acceptable?
"Doesn't matter; only gaunae be me an' you therr..."


13 Apr 20 - 03:02 AM (#4045736)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Two very elderly members of the House of Lords were discussing how often they had sex in the Bar of the House one night
One said, "Once a month regularly, except July and August"
"Heat too much for you ?" asks the other
"No" came the reply, "That's when the chappie who lifts me on and off goes on holiday"
Jim


13 Apr 20 - 03:37 AM (#4045741)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Fake news: Greta Thunberg, satisfied with the latest greenhouse gas & pollution stats, is now campaigning for Swedish schools to reopen ASAP in order to get an education.


13 Apr 20 - 04:39 AM (#4045746)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Amazing, innit, how some people like to inject viruses into a joke thread...


13 Apr 20 - 05:39 AM (#4045763)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Nice srtory in the Times this morning about the Eas End Jewish reastarant Blooms where the waiters wee renowned for being rude to customers
A men having dinner oded a lelm ea to finish, hi friend asked for the same and added, "Can you make sure it's in a clean glass?"
The waiter returned with the drinks shortly and asked, "Which one of you ordered the clean glass?"
Which reminded me
A Liverpool man drinking in a bar was taken short and had to leave his full pint on the table
He left a note propped on the galss reading, "Don't drink this pint - I put my prick in it"
He returned shortly to find an empty glass and a note reading "Drank your pint, couldn't find your prick"
Jim


13 Apr 20 - 07:44 AM (#4045787)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Apologies, Steve - even though I've come across a few recent toilet paper jokes (rolls being hidden in shipments of cocaine, etc.), mine above was uncalled for. That said, I do agree with Trump about Greta's schooling and don't agree with him about capitalist industry and our planet.


13 Apr 20 - 09:39 AM (#4045808)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A local farmer just added a touch of humour to the lock-down by shouting over the fence:
"it's a fine state of affairs when the safest place in Ireland is Cavan - those buggers'll give you nothing for nothing"
Still smiling
Jim


14 Apr 20 - 07:56 AM (#4046007)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

Jim Carroll....'A Liverpool man drinking in a bar was taken short and had to leave his full pint on the table
He left a note propped on the galss reading, "Don't drink this pint - I put my prick in it"
He returned shortly to find an empty glass and a note reading "Drank your pint, couldn't find your prick"................................... Many years ago, as a young Police Officer, I used to drink in a Yates's Wine Lodge' pub which was very 'spit and sawdust. People would steal your pint if you weren't watching. One night, wanting to go to the toilet, I left a pre-prepared note by my glass, saying... ' I have spit in my beer'!!!!! When I returned from the toilet.... Someone had written on my note 'So have I'. No I didn't drink it!!!!


14 Apr 20 - 08:14 AM (#4046009)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Nice GS and nice memories too
I had my First drink ever in a Yates's Wine Lodge near St George's Hall - (an Austrailian White Wine - extremely cheap and potent) - they were haunts of local tramps who were great company
I also had my first Indian meal in the restaurant next door - very rare in those pre-sixties days

Another (think I've told this before)
An Irishman walked into a Liverpool pun and ordered a pint of Guinness, took a taste, upturned it on the floor saying "piss" and walked out
The second night he did the same
The third night he walked in the barman said "Eh mate, piss off"
"OK" he said, "pull me a pint of bitter"
Jim


14 Apr 20 - 09:18 AM (#4046023)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Meabt to add gthe what I liked most about Yates's was you'd invariably be approached and asked to buy someone a drink and, when you explained you were earning an apprentices wage they'd uy you one
I loved that Liverpool - don't think its like that now

When I know you better I'll tell you how I helped consecrate the newly finished 'Paddy's Wigwam' around the corner by losing my cherry in the crypt one wet afternoon
Jim


14 Apr 20 - 10:00 AM (#4046032)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

(A hymn for Amerika) to be sung at task force briefings

I am not skilled to understand
What Trump has willed, what Trump has planned
I only know at his right hand
Is Pense who's really grand

I take him at his word and deed
He tried to save me: this I read
And in my heart I find a need.
for his great and powerful greed

That he won't leave his place on high
To let older men to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Donald

My Donald needs, my Donald's greed
My Donalds's always on TV
My Trump; He was, my Trump; He is
My Trump; is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying: let me bring
My Strength, my solace in this spring
That He who lives to be THE King
Once ran to be my Savior

My Donald needs, my Donald's greed
My Donald's always there for me
My TRUMP; He was, my TRUMP; He is
My TRUMP; is always gonna be\\There for me.


14 Apr 20 - 11:05 AM (#4046035)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

It's a bloody joke thread. Another wasted click. Please take your ludicrous Trump obsession elsewhere. You are not funny.


14 Apr 20 - 11:30 AM (#4046038)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Thank you darlin, I wrote it for you.


14 Apr 20 - 12:21 PM (#4046052)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

I read somewhere that "darling," as in the darling buds of may of Sonnet 18, originally referred to the softly-budding nipples and breasts of post-pubescent young females, but I can't remember where I read it now and I can't find reference to it in any decent dictionary. Maybe it was in an indecent dictionary. Not exactly a joke post, this one, but a bloody pleasant passing thought nonetheless...


14 Apr 20 - 12:34 PM (#4046054)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Will you settle for this Steve ?
Johnson, Trump and ‘Is ‘Oliness, the Pope get together in a rowing boat on The Sea of Galilee for a meeting to try to solve some of the world’s problems
They are about to start when the Pope finds he has forgotten his papers so he asks his secretary would he go ashore for them
The secretary steps over the side of the boat, on to the surface of the water and walks ashore and returns with the papers shortly afterwards
Determined not to be outdone, Johnson asks his secretary to go ashore and get him a pencil sharpener as his favourite lucky pencil has broken
The man climbs out of the boat and sinks up to his uxters in water and has to be hauled out
Trump things, “Well, if a gease-ball can do it, a red-blooded American should be able to manage it” so he orders his gofer to fetch his I-Pad
Like the former man, he nearly drowns trying to walk ashore and is pulled out soaking wet.
The Pope turns to his secretary and says, “For ****’s sake Guiseppi, show them where the sodding stepping stones are”
Jim


14 Apr 20 - 04:51 PM (#4046124)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Thank you darlin, I wrote it for you.

LOL even funnier is the way it turns a misanthrope into a hypocrite.


Meanwhile, not in any remote possible stretch of the imagination (wait for it) Trump related, is some wit that I heard on TED.com about what the world will be like after thing, which made me smile. A Churchill quote:

You can always rely on America to do the right thing, after all other avenues have been exhausted.


14 Apr 20 - 06:13 PM (#4046134)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

"LOL even funnier is the way it turns a misanthrope into a hypocrite."

Go and boil your head, you confounded idiot. I don't engage you much, so I suggest you avoid me, and you can start by not making opportunistic and gratuitous insults. And one fine day we might actually get a joke from you.


15 Apr 20 - 03:44 AM (#4046175)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A somewhat rough piece
A Liverpool sailor looking for "something different" is constantly advised to seek out 'One-Eyed Maggie'
He does so and tells her what he wants, she removes her glass eye and says, "Try that"
He hesitates at first but eventually succumbs and is totally astounded.
"That was wonderful" he said, "I've never experienced anything quite like that"
"Look" he says, "We're sailing tonight and won't be back in Liverpool for a few months; I'd certainly like to meet you again"
"Ok" she says, "I'll keep my eye out for you"
Jim


15 Apr 20 - 09:52 AM (#4046239)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, goes into a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there saying nothing. Finally, the priest runs out of patience and bangs on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "It's no use knocking, mate. There's no paper in my cubicle either!"


15 Apr 20 - 09:58 AM (#4046243)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

A rabbi and a priest are friends, having met in a prior joke. [Couldn't resist.] One day the rabbi is visiting the priest, having tea in the office, when a choirboy walks in to deliver a message, and walks out again. As he is leaving, the priest eyes his departing backside rather hungrily, and sighs to his rabbi friend, I'd really like to fuck him. The rabbi looks confused, and asks...

...Out of what?


15 Apr 20 - 10:13 AM (#4046248)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Yeah, right...


15 Apr 20 - 10:15 AM (#4046249)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Posted this to the wrong thread - hope i didn't frighten the horses
"A burly priest spots a young novice sitting on a convent bench, roughly throws his arm around her, lowers her to the ground and seduces her
"What am I going to tell the Mother Superior when I tell her I have been seduced twice?" she aske, when he has finished
"I only seduced you onece" he said
"Are you in a hurry ?" she asked
Jim"


15 Apr 20 - 10:46 AM (#4046261)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

My favourite Jewish joke
A elderly man was journeying across the Russian Steppes on a long train Journey
The train stopped at a small, dusty one-street village and the announcer informed the passengers that they would be there for several hours to take in fuel and water
The man stepped down and walked up and down the only street, within five minutes he'd seen all there was to see; he looked at his pocket watch and decided to see if there was anywhere among the handful of tiny buildings where he could get it cleaned
At the end of the town he found a dusty looking shop with watches hanging in the window so he stepped inside, took out the watch and handed it to the stooped old man behind the counter asking him could he clean it
"I'm afraid I can't" said the man, I don't do that sort of thing, I'm a 'mohel' (a priest who carries out circumcisions)
"But you have watches hanging in your window" the man said, somewhat puzzled
"What should I have hanging in my window?"


15 Apr 20 - 12:13 PM (#4046282)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A Welsh joke now we're on nationalities
A man living in a North Wales village that was still operating the "no drink on Sunday" laws used to sneak out for a pint and a game of darts after mid-day lunch on Sundays to his local, where the guv'nor would serve his regulars illegally - this infuriated the drinker's religious wife no end, but she "nursed her anger to keep it warm" usually   
One Sunday afternoon, as he set off, she said ominously, "Don't you dare be late today - it's my mother's birthday and she's coming to dinner; you know she doesn't like you as it is - don't you dare stop late to play darts"
"I won't love" he said and set off, promising to return in good time
When he arrived at the pub he found it empty - all his mates, including the guv'nor had gone to the big match in Liverpool and the only person there was a rather attractive young woman who had agreed to mind the pub for the day and stop over till the landlord got back
He ordered a pint and asked the woman if she'd join him - which she did
They chatted for a while till one thing led to another and they slipped upstairs into bed and made passionate love until they both fell fast asleep
Panicking, he threw on his clothes, shouted goodbye and ran down stairs; as he ran through the bar he hastily grabbed a piece of chalk from the dart-board and shoved it behind his ear
When he arrived home he found his wife speechless with fury; "My mother arrived on time, waited and waited until it was obvious you weren't coming and left if a blazing temper swearing she never wanted to see us again and would leave her house to the cat's home - where the hell have you been till now?"
"Well love, to tell you the truth, when I got to the pub I found the lads had all gone to the match in Liverpool and the only one there was a temporary barmaid
We got chatting, bought each other drinks, and... well, you know - one thing led to another, we went to bed together, fell asleep and woke up about twenty minutes ago".
"You're a lying bastard" she spat, "You've been playing darts; you've still got the chalk behind your ear"
Jim


16 Apr 20 - 02:42 AM (#4046364)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Scots joke
A Scotsman took bed and breakfast in a rather posh semi in Morningside, Edinburgh; when he sat down for breakfast in the morning he was offered only toast with margarine
Realising there was nothing else on offer he asked timidly, "Would you be able to manage some honey with that please ?"
The lady stared at him coldly, said nothing, stormed out and shortly returned with a small smidgen of honey on a tiny plate
The man looked at it for a second, looked at her cold face and said, "I see you keep a bee"
Jim


16 Apr 20 - 06:11 AM (#4046391)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Nice Richard Burton story in this morning's times
Michael Caine was an early admirer of Burton and was always struck at the speed he delivered his Shakespearean lines
When he finally got to meet him he asked why he spoke them so fast, he was told, "The pubs shut at 10-30 dear boy"
Jim


16 Apr 20 - 06:40 AM (#4046394)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

A young couple driving through Wales went through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They started to argue about how to pronounce the name. It became a little 'heated' so they decided to ask a local. They pulled into a 'Burger King' restaurant and asked the blonde waitress for help ' The guy said 'We are having an argument on how to pronounce the name of this place so could you please say it very slowly for us to settle the argument'~? The blonde replied 'Certainly sir.... it is Bbbbuuuuurrrggggerrrrrr KKKiiinnnngggg.


16 Apr 20 - 08:47 AM (#4046428)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A Welsh mining story recorded at the time they were gathering material for The Big Hewer
In the days the tubs of coal were pulled to the top by hand, one of the linesmen used to brag he could tell the weight of a tub to a fraction of an ounce
His mates made a bet with him, they agreed on a set weight. took a set of scales down the pit where they waited to load the tub and mark it with chalk for your man to pull it up
They filled the first one, marked it and gave a signal tug, your man gave a slight pull, shouted down the weight and hauled it to the top - perfect
The second one the same - perfect again
And the third
At the fourth go, when they gave the signal tug nothing happened, they waited and waited
"Why don't you pull the tub up Tommy?" they shouted up the shaft
"You haven't chalked it yet", he shouted back
Jim


16 Apr 20 - 10:06 AM (#4046452)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

From the same stable - don't pardon the pun
A sacbby 'bosses man' miner was so unpopular that one day, during an argument, one of his work-mates picked up a pile of dung from one of the pit-ponies and threw it in his face where it landed in his mouth
He spluttered, "That stays there till the gaffer sees it"
Jim


16 Apr 20 - 10:19 AM (#4046454)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

I noticed that Hooters is still open for take out so I ordered a couple of breasts, I can't wait to see what they bring me.

I'll get mi serape.


16 Apr 20 - 11:41 AM (#4046471)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Couple of Cavan Jokes
Cavan men are reputed to be extremely mean - even proud of their frugality
I worked on sites back in the sixties where, if you needed help from anybody it was immediately forthcoming
I asked a Cavan man to help me move a heavy storage heater one time, he immediately obliged
When we'd finished I thanked him "What shop can I spend that in?" he said
Which leads to stories like:
Did you hear of the Cavan paedofile who went around asking, "Do you want to buy any sweets little girl?"

two Kerrymen on holiday in Donegal went fishing on Lough Derg and found a part of the lough unbelievebly fish in fish
After a few hours fishing they nearly filled the boat and began to make their way ashore
Half way there, one said, "Damn, we should have looked out for landmarks so we can find the spot again"
"Don't worry" said his mate, "I've chalked a cross on the side of the boat"
Jim


16 Apr 20 - 03:00 PM (#4046516)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A sonnet to Flatulence from a Misspent Merseyside Boyhood
There are many kinds of fart
A wet fart, a dry fart
A bubble and a squeak
A high fart, a low fart
And one that dare not speak
Afar is a wonderful thing
It sets you at your ease
It warms the bed in Wintertime
And suffocates the fleas
A fart is a telephone
That runs from your belly-bone
To tell you when a load is coming on
Bend double and blow
And then you'll know

Jim


17 Apr 20 - 03:37 AM (#4046604)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A well-endowed priest, unable to stand his celibacy, decided to ease the pressure with a night on the randy, he picks up a young woman, they return to her accommodation and begin to undress
When she sees what 'a big boy' he is, she stops and tell him that she would 'be ruined' if they proceeded
He says he understands and they went their separate ways
It happens a second and a third time
When they get back to the fourth girl's home he asks her, "Would you mind if we turned the light off?"
She agrees, thinking he is shy
They get into bed and she says, "You know, when I saw you and your collar I didn't think you wanted sex; I expected you to give me a lecture on JESUS CHRIST
Jim


17 Apr 20 - 07:40 AM (#4046635)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

When I heard the fart poem many years ago.... it read.....            
To fart it is pleasure,
It gives the bowels ease.
It delicately scents the sheets,
And suffocates the fleas.


17 Apr 20 - 09:05 AM (#4046645)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Strange thing how smells travel

Yet another miners story (not unlike Tommy Cooper's)
A retired miner walked around to pick up his mate for their usual Sunday morning pint - his mates wide came to the door and said, "I'm afraid Tommy was in the garden yesterday pulling a a cabbage for today's dinner when he had a heart-attack and died
"That's awful missus - what'll you do now?"
"I'll have to open a tin of peas hinny", she said
Jim


17 Apr 20 - 02:33 PM (#4046695)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Heisenberg is bombing along the M1 and gets stopped by the police.
PC "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg "I don't know how fast but I know exactly where I was"
PC "Sir, you were doing 150 Km/hr"
Heisenberg "Now we are lost"

The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the boot/trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrodinger angrily yells back, "We do now, asshole!"


18 Apr 20 - 02:54 AM (#4046749)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A bit of a diversion while I think of more jokes

As well as enjoying telling and hearing them, they interest me as part of ny research into the oral traditions
In London, we recorded a man from the next village to where we are now living, in the west of Ireland, Quilty
When we first visited here we were told about Quilty's "yarn telling" tradition - "yarns" were largely jokes with no punchlines - many were shortened traditional stories

Our London friend was essentially a dancer who had picked up around 60 traditional songs
At the end of each session we would retire to the pub where he would bgin his 'yarns' - these included several established traditional stories and at least three songs in narrated form, includoing the Child ballad, 'The Bishop of Canterbury - and this...
Hope it is not too much of an intrusion to this highly enjoyable thread
Incidentally, since I wrote my notes I've discovered that much of what we collected was far older than this story
Jim

Probably the oldest story we came across was this, from an elderly Irishman, Mikey Kelleher, who had left his home in West Clare (about three miles from where we live now) where he had been a farm worker and curagh-maker (canvas canoe for fishing off the coast): he and his wife finally settled in Deptford, in South East London.

“There was two old walkers around (Travellers) and they wanted to go across the water and they hadn’t enough money.
So they went to the captain, and she was lovely piece, and he said, “I’ll be all right there”.
She asked him would he be all right to take them across
“All right”, he said, and herself and the man went in, he was playing an old fiddle.
And they travelled away; she didn’t want to refuse him, you know, in case he wouldn’t let them go.
She carries on with him, and he went up to the old boy and says, “I’ll bet you this ship”, he said, “and cargo against this fiddle” , he said, “that I’ll have her before we land”.
The old boy bet the fiddle with him and off they goes, and the old boy was listening, he was singing a song:

“Hold tight my love; hold tight my love, just for half an hour,
Hold tight my love hold tight my love and the ship and cargo will be ours”

She said:
“You’re late my love, you’re late my love, he has me by the middle,
I’m on my back, were having a crack, and you have lost your old fiddle”, she said.”

We believed the story to be old, and we finally traced it to this, from volume four of John Farmer’s Merry Song and Ballads prior to the year 1800 AD.

THE MERCHANT AND THE FIDLER’S WIFE [c. 1707]
[From Pills to Purge Melancholy (1707), iii. 153].

It was a Rich Merchant Man,
That had both Ship and all;
And he would cross the salt Seas,
Tho’ his cunning it was but small.

The Fidler and his Wife,
They being nigh at hand;
Would needs go sail along with him,
From Dover unto Scotland.

The Fidler’s Wife look’d brisk,
Which made the Merchant smile;
He made no doubt to bring it about,
The Fidler to beguile.

Is this thy Wife the Merchant said,
She looks like an honest Spouse;
Ay that she is, Ihe Fidler said,
That ever trod on Shoes.

Thy Confidence is very great,
The Merchant then did say;
If thou a Wager darest to bet,
I’ll tell thee what I will lay.

I’ll lay my Ship against thy Fiddle,
And all my Venture too;
So Peggy may gang along with me,
My Cabin for to View.

If she continues one Hour with me,
Thy true and constant Wife;
Then shalt thou have my Ship and be,
A Merchant all thy Life.

The Fidler was content,
He Danc’d and Leap’d for joy;
And twang’d his Fiddle in merriment,
For Peggy he thought was Coy.

Then Peggy she went along,
His Cabin for to View;
And after her the Merchant-Man,
Did follow, we found it true.

When they were once together,
The Fidler was afraid;
For he crep’d near in pitious fear,
And thus to Peggy he said.

Hold out, sweet Peggy hold out,
For the space of two half Hours;
If thou hold out, I make no doubt,
But the Ship and Goods are ours.

In troth, sweet Robin, I cannot,
He hath got me about the Middle;
He’s lusty and strong, and hath laid me along,
O Robin thou’st lost thy Fiddle.

If I have lost my Fiddle,
Then am I a Man undone;
My Fiddle whereon I so often play’d,
Away I needs must run.

O stay the Merchant said,
And thou shalt keep thy place;
And thou shalt have thy Fiddle again,
But Peggy shall carry the Case.

Poor Robin hearing that,
He look’d with a Merry-chear;
His wife she was pleas’d, and the Merchant was eas’d,
And jolly and brisk they were.

The Fidler he was mad,
But valu’d it not a Fig;
Then Peggy unto her Husband said,
Kind Robin play us a Jigg.

Then he took up his Fiddle,
And merrily he did play;
The Scottish Jigg and the Horn-pipe,
And eke the Irish Hey.

It was but in vain to grieve,
The Deed it was done and past;
Poor Robin was bom to carry the Horn,
For Peggy could not be Chast.

Then Fidlers all beware,
Your Wives are kind you see;
And he that’s made for the Fidling Trade,
Must never a Merchant be.

For Peggy she knew right well,
Although she was but a Woman;
That Gamesters Drink, and Fidlers Wives,
They are ever Free and Common.

Mikey worked all his life in the building trade; back home he was a dancer, but he gave us about sixty songs, all of which we recorded in the car, as he was too shy to sing at home.
He had a large repertoire of short stories like this – one of them told of the blind man who hid up a tree while his wife was having it off with a young man – a branch catches him across the eyes, miraculously giving him his sight back.
When he sees what his wife is up to he is told, we were only doing it so you could get your sight back (one of Chaucer’s Canterbury tales)


18 Apr 20 - 02:06 PM (#4046875)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A minister told his congregation that instead of him choosing the hymns for the day's service, they were going to try something different. When it was time for a hymn, he would raise his hand and a random parishioner would call out a word. Then another parishioner would begin singing a hymn suggested by that word, and the rest of the congregation would join in.

When the minister reached the appropriate point in his sermon, he raised his hand, a parishioner shouted "Rugged!" A fellow in the third row stood and began singing "The Old Rugged Cross", and the rest of the congregation joined in.

When the minister reached the next stopping point in his sermon, he raised his hand and a parishioner shouted "Walk!" Someone in the seventh row stood and began singing "Just a Closer Walk With Thee", and the rest of the congregation joined in.

When the minister raised his hand a third time, some smart-ass up in the balcony yelled "Sex!" Old widow MacDonald down in the front row stood and began singing "Precious Memories", and the rest of the congregation joined in.


18 Apr 20 - 02:24 PM (#4046879)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Two alderly ladies were discussing the new vicar
"Big man"- one said "bawls like a bull"
"Has he really ?" asked the other excitedly
Jim


18 Apr 20 - 06:28 PM (#4046912)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F

A cockney boy was doing very well in a spelling bee until asked to spell "auspice". He started out "h-o-r-", and the teacher was in haste to tell him that was wrong.


18 Apr 20 - 07:18 PM (#4046914)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Jim, thats's an old one, and you've downgraded it!

Here goes (cockney accent optional):

"My sis 'ad a baby the other day."

"Ooo, did she?"

"Yeah, the babe was a lovely little boy."

"Ooo, was he?"

"Yeah, gorgeous..."

"Ooo, was he?"

"Yeah. Only thing is, he's 'orrible all through the night."

"Ooo, is he?"

"Yeah. Bawls like a bull."

"Ooo, has he?"


19 Apr 20 - 03:06 AM (#4046953)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Thought it might have landed elsewhere Steve

Best misspelling story came in a short silent Irish film (an Irish specialty) just before the main feature years ago

A teacher comes into the classroom to find one of the already assembled pupils had written "SIR IS A CNUT" in large letters on the blackboard
After strenuous efforts, largely (silent) shouted threats, he elicits the name of the culprit, who he drags to the blackboard, berates him for his poor spelling, and demands he spell it properly - to no avail
After minutes of trying he sends the pupil back to his seat, bubs all his efforts off the board and writes in even larger letters "SIR IS A CUNT", at which point the headmistress - a nun in full uniform - comes through the door, stares at the blackboard, then at the teacher - and collapses
Jim


19 Apr 20 - 01:18 PM (#4047050)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A fellow was motoring down a country road, doing the posted speed limit. All of a sudden a running chicken overtook him and sped away, quickly disappearing in the distance. A few minutes later, another chicken did the same thing. Then a third.

The fellow was wondering what was up with these lightning-fast chickens when he saw a sign at a farmhouse that said "Eggs For Sale!" So, he stopped the car and asked the old farmer minding the egg stand if he knew anything about those super-fast chickens. "Why yes," the farmer replied, "those chickens came from right here. I bred them myself. They're so fast because they have three legs."

"Why would you want to breed chickens with three legs?" asked the motorist.

"Well," answered the farmer, "folks around here are partial to drumsticks. So, if each chicken has three legs instead of two, there are more drumsticks to go around."

"Do they taste the same as two-legged chickens?" asked the motorist.

"I couldn't tell you," replied the farmer, "I haven't been able to catch one yet."


19 Apr 20 - 01:43 PM (#4047053)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Funny how one thing leads to another (which used to be my favourite chat-up line in another life)
A prize cockerel got so quick at his job that the farmer decided to increase   his stock of hens - the more he bought, the quicker the cock got
Eventully his field was crammed full of hens to be 'trod'
The farmer got up one morning to to find his hens all done by just after breakfast, bur the cock was lying face down in the corner, wings outsread with a flock of predatory hawks circling over head
Panicking at the thought of losing such a valuable bird he leapt the fence and ran to the prone cock, who hissed ot of the side of his beak "Feck off and let them land, you stupid git"
Jim


19 Apr 20 - 05:00 PM (#4047090)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Two true snippets from the first school I worked in, in Poplar. The head of science (let's call him Turner) was cleaning graffiti from the wall outside his classroom when he spotted, written in pencil, "Turner is a cunt and a half." He said "I'm bloody proud of this - it means I've made my mark!" He left it there for as long as he could, unlike all the other stuff. Another time, Mr Whitehead (let's call him...) spotted, scrawled on his classroom door frame, "Whithead is a bastard." Enraged, he seized a pencil and inserted the missing letter 'e' :-)


20 Apr 20 - 02:22 AM (#4047136)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

"Feck off and let them land, you stupid git"

Ah!, remember Jake Thakery's "Bantam Cock" ? -

'You see them big daft buggers up there?
They'll be down in a minute or two;
They'll be down in a minute or two.'


20 Apr 20 - 03:46 AM (#4047147)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

old by old West Clare singer, Mikey Kelleher
A widow, burying her husband is taken short at the funeral and squats among the bushes nest to the grave, not noticing the nettles
She leaps up clutching herself between the legs, saying, "The horny old bastard, and he's hardly cold yet"
Jim Carroll


20 Apr 20 - 07:23 AM (#4047176)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Chinese instructions for love-making
Hand in hand
Gland in hand
Gland in gland
Gland
Jim


20 Apr 20 - 09:59 AM (#4047212)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"


20 Apr 20 - 10:52 AM (#4047222)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Like it - must try it sometime
Jim


21 Apr 20 - 06:04 AM (#4047356)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A young lad was caught masturbating by his mother
"You'll go blind", she told him
"Can I just finish this one and wear glasses?" he asked
Jim


21 Apr 20 - 12:11 PM (#4047425)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

An elderly couple made it a habit to have sex each Sunday morning; in order nt to overdo things, they timed themselves by the local church bells
one Sunday morning the story got round that the old man had died while on the job -
A friend rushed around to find what had happened and was told - "We were doing fine 'til that damned fire engine......"
Jim


21 Apr 20 - 06:37 PM (#4047511)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Q. What's the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney?

A. A Scotsman wears a kilt but Walt disnae...


21 Apr 20 - 06:40 PM (#4047513)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Best laugh in a while, innit!

Diff between an ornery chicken and a lawyer? The chicken clucks defiance...


21 Apr 20 - 06:40 PM (#4047514)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

One of the stupidest jokes I ever heard, on Crackerjack many decades ago, but I love it:

What have Jimmy Edwards and Lulu got in common?

They both have moustaches, except Lulu.


21 Apr 20 - 11:28 PM (#4047544)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

There was a married couple who, as a private joke, began referring to having sex as "doing the laundry".

One evening, they were watching television and the husband asked his wife, "Do you feel like doing some laundry tonight?"

"I would," replied his wife, "but I'm not feeling very well. I have a bit of a headache."

"That's all right. I understand," replied the husband.

About thirty minutes later, the husband heads up to bed. The wife follows him about thirty minutes later, finds him reading in bed, and says, "I'm feeling much better now. Would you still like to do some laundry?"

"Nah, that's okay," replied the husband. "It was only a small load, so I did it by hand."


22 Apr 20 - 01:59 AM (#4047550)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

What would you rather be or a wasp ?
What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel ? - one's weasely recognised, the other's stoatally different
Jim


22 Apr 20 - 06:56 AM (#4047597)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

I was told that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish.


22 Apr 20 - 10:25 AM (#4047616)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A stable boy at the Wimbledon riding stables madly fancies one of the customers, but he is too shy to mention it to her - after thinking on the problem he goes in on the morning she usually came in and paints the tail of her favourite horse blue
She says nothing, mounts and rides off
The following week he paints the horse's legs blue - still no response
The next week he tries the mane, with the same response
In desperation, the next time she's due, he paints the entire horse blue
She is about to mount, hesitates and says, "This horse is blue"
"Can I fuck you?" he asks
Jiim


23 Apr 20 - 02:57 AM (#4047753)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Why can't they hang a man with a wooden leg ?
Because they need a rope
(inspired by having just contributed to the 'execution" thread)


23 Apr 20 - 07:55 AM (#4047805)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Cracker Barrel restaurants lies! I was driving down the highway and saw a billboard advertising their restaurant at the upcoming interchange. It said, "Thirty meals for $8.99!"

So, I stopped in, ordered all 30 of 'em, and the bastards wanted to charge me $269.70 plus tax!


23 Apr 20 - 08:01 AM (#4047809)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Brendan Behan once claimed, in an interview in ?Montreal, that he saw an advertiser's billboard with the words, "Drink Canada Dry"; "and that's exactly what I intend to do".

I'm tempted to add that it doesn't matter if you can't hang a person with a wooden leg, since you can always beat him about the skull....

Good Luck!


23 Apr 20 - 08:22 AM (#4047817)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"Wooden leg"
Reminds me of a local character nicknamed 'Timber Tony' because of having lost his leg
He was chatting up an American visitor in the local nar when she asked him why he was called that'
Not replying, he placed his foot on a nearby chair, took out a penknife and began driving the point into his calf
She took the next stage out of town

Which reminds me of a story recorded by my mate, Denis Turner, back in the 1960s
This can be heard with other stories on an album of traditional storytelling I once put together for EFDSS '...and that's my Story'
It's now been long unavailable but if anybody wants it - send an e-mail address
Jim

DICKIE BITHELL AND THE KICKING MATCH Jack Oakes Bolton, Lancashire, England
Years ago there used to be kicking matches and they used stand up and put their 'ands on their shoulders, 'bout a yard apart, and they used kick at then-shins wi' clogs on. And, er .... owd Dickie Bithell was the champion of Wigan.
And this stranger came, came in this pub this 'ere day. So they had a game of dominoes and then they started talking about these kicking matches. So me dad says, "Well, owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire." So this feller kept quiet. So me dad said again, "Owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire."
So this feller's turned round to me dad, he says: "If you'll give me the first kickin', I'll have a go at owd Dickie."
Owd Dickie says, "Right, put your two pound down." So this stranger puts two pound down. So they go outside in a field and they stand up together and bate of one another's shoulders, arm's length. So this stranger takes the first kick -1 wish I could show you - and he kicks owd Dickie. Well owd Dickie goes rigid hisself to take the strain. So owd Dickie had his kick; so he kicks the stranger and the stranger did the same; take the strain.
So he carried on four or five times. So owd Dickie turned round to me dad, he said, "This stranger's no mug; he's a fair 'un."
"Go on, cany on Dickie", me dad said. So he carried on three or four more times.
Owd Dickie says, "I'm finished; he's too good. Give him the money." So me dad, looking at owd Dickie's legs, there were blood, snot and 'air hanging down his leg, he were in a bad way, you know.
So he says, "All right, give him the money."
So they said to t'other feller, "Let's have a look at your leg." When they looked at his leg, he'd a wooden leg. So they took the two pound off him and clear him out of pub.

Recorded by Denis Turner, 1966.
The ’sport’ of kicking appears to have been popular throughout England until comparatively recent times. We have been told that, in Norfolk, contestants would sit on opposite sides of a pub table and take turns at kicking each other's shins until one gave up. The contest is all the more vicious in Jack Oakes' story as the clogs the combatants wore would have been metal tipped. Dickie Bithell would seem to have been a local character; Mr. Oakes had a number of stories about him.


23 Apr 20 - 09:09 AM (#4047830)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Another from same place
Jim
THE LION TAMER, Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off."
So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he
went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches." "Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you do." he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have 'ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I've got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."

Recorded by John Howson, 1987


23 Apr 20 - 10:21 AM (#4047842)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A 6 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are raking the yard early one morning. The 6 year old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' in it and you're gonna say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old enthusiastically agrees.

After a while, their mother calls them in for breakfast. She walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell, Mom," he replies, "I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Mom reaches across the table and smacks him up beside the head. He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios!"


23 Apr 20 - 01:02 PM (#4047875)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A seedy travelling circus had only one thing going for it, a magnificent caged gorrilla which terrifir=ed the customers by beating its chest roaring loudly ans swinging around the cage - the locals used to queue to see it wharever it went
One morning the keeper came to feed him to find him hunched in the of the cage refusing to eat, or even move
The owner, in a panic, sent for the nearest vet, who came and examined the pathetic creature
"Well" he said, "there appears to be nothing physically wrong with him; I suspect he's suffering from the lack of a mate
The owner is beside himself with worry but is struck by an idea - he sends to the nearest town to see if he can hire a gorilla suit and find somebody down on his luck enough to to go in the cage and pretend to be a female gorilla
The gofer, after a long gap, returns with both
The owner explains the job and makes him an offer he can't refuse, promising so have men standing by with nets and equipment to keep him from harm should anything go wrong
Reluctantly, tha man enters the cage - at first the beat inores him, then slowly comes over and sniffs he, feels him up and places a huge arm around his disguised shoulders
The man stand stock still at first, then begins to scream, "take it off, take it off"
The team leap into the cage and begin to fend the animal off
"No, no", says the man, "take the head off - I want to give it a kiss"
Jim


23 Apr 20 - 06:34 PM (#4047955)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F

A young sailor comes home on leave. At breakfast, he asks his mother to pass the goddamn butter. He is terribly embarrassed, and doesn't say another word. Afterward, his mother takes him aside and says "Your father and I understand -- everybody knows how sailor talk." He answers "I know, I know, it's just that I'm afraid that as soon as I open my mouth I'll fuck up again."


24 Apr 20 - 03:20 AM (#4048014)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A young seminarian about to become a priest is walking around the extensive ground of the seminary; as he climbs a stile, he slips and falls face down in the mud
He looks down at hi ruined clothes and says, "Fuck!", thinks about it and says, "Shit, I said fuck", then "Fuck, I said shit" and finally "Bollocks, I didn't want to be a priest anyway"   

Similarly
A young monk joins a chapter that has taken a vow of silence - they are allowed only to chant "Good morning", each morning and "good evening" each evening
After the first week he has been driven demented by the monotony so on the following Monday he decides to ring the changes; as everybody chants "Good morning", he sings out "Good evening"
There is a horrified silence, then a small voice from the back of the hall sings out "Some cunt chanted evening"
Jim


24 Apr 20 - 08:17 AM (#4048075)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

What is black and white and red all over and can't turn around in the elevator?

A nun with a spear through her head.


24 Apr 20 - 02:31 PM (#4048213)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

I sat watching a video one night when I was with my ex wife. She was baking in the kitchen. I started to shout... 'No No don't do it, it's a trap'!!!! She shouted 'What are you watching'?......... I replied 'Oh just our wedding video'


24 Apr 20 - 03:01 PM (#4048219)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Another monk story
A new man joined a chapter which only allowed speaking once every six months A couple of weeks later, on the first of the month, a monk stood up and said,"There's not enough salt in the porridge"
Six months later another stood up and said "There's too much salt in the porridge"
Six months after that the new man stood up and said, "I'm pissied off with all this arguing - I'm going home"
Jim


25 Apr 20 - 12:36 PM (#4048398)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

It is a slow day in Clear Lake, Iowa and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.......
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
*And that, my friends is how an Economic Stimulus package works!


26 Apr 20 - 08:39 AM (#4048586)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A British platoon is stranded in the Western Desert during W.W.2.
Running out of food, they draw lots and send one of their number off into the wilderness to see if he can find any
After a day he returns saying, "I've got good news and I've got bad news"
"What's the bad ?" he is asked
"There's only camel shit to eat"
"What's the good?"
"There's plenty of it"

Similarly
Two Tommies drinking in a Cairo bar find they have missed the transport back to base so they hire a camel
They clamber on its back and give it a flick with a stick - it refuses to move
After several tries and failures they clamber down and seek out the owner for advice -
They re handed two blocks of wood and instructed, "Walk around to the back of the creature and you will find his balls sticking out behind him; take the blocks and clap them together on his balls"
One of the lads winces and says, "Won't that hurt?"
"Only if you trap your fingers" he is told
Jim


26 Apr 20 - 05:42 PM (#4048734)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Wasn't there a similar camel joke about leading it to water?

What goes black&white, black&white, black&white, and then turns purple?

A nun falling down the stairs.


26 Apr 20 - 06:37 PM (#4048749)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F

Georgiansilver's story recalls
Witchs Money
Written in 1940 when we were just climbing out of the Great Depression, it must have packed quite a wallop at the time. It is still very funny IMO.

One might also mention the partners in a country tavern in old-time Russia who drove to town & started back with a barrel of vodka for their business. Strictly business, they warned each other. But the way was long and the night was cold, and one said to the other, "Here is a kopek. Sell me a shot out of your half of the barrel." Well, business is business -- he can't refuse a paying customer. So now *he* has a kopek in his pocket, and -- you get the idea. By the time the horses find their way home, the partners have agreed that business has never been better.


27 Apr 20 - 02:26 AM (#4048806)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

I read those two jokes about Nuns with a degree of concern.

It's not only the fact that each involves harm coming to the Nun, but that one involves a weapon being fatally employed in this harming.

It's not only the contemporary reality that violence against women is usually decried immediately, such as certain other actions or attitudes which, not long ago, were commonplace. Racism and racist attitudes immediately come to mind.

It's not only that postings about song-lyrics containing words or attitudes which are now routinely denounced as intolerable inevitably lead to the kind of exchanges of views which have become so familiar that, well, I'd expected something similar here.

No, the principal concern was that both these jokes would have worked just as well, been just as funny, had the victims been penguins.


27 Apr 20 - 02:27 AM (#4048807)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Anyone know what's small, blue, and absolutely still?
The answer involves a plastic bag.


27 Apr 20 - 03:12 AM (#4048810)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"nun"
I've been a fan of joke-telling most of my life; it was reading Gershon Legman's two large analytical works under the title 'The Rationale of The Dirty Joke' (particularly volume two, 'No Laughing Matter' (The 'Dirty' Dirty Joke) which woke me up to the serious side of it
Legman was a strag=nge feller - his views of homosexuality as a 'hate-causing sickness' are downright offensive, mut a great deal of what he had to say is still well worth reading
It takes the subject far above the 'misogyny' stage to a much more complicated level

I come from an ex-Catholic, Irish background - my father was excommunicated for 'fighting on the losing side in the wrong war' in 1936'
He left Liverpool Collegiate having been an altar boy and returned from eing a prisone in Spain after having undergone irregular 'mock executions' which were officiated over by a priest who gave him the last rites before he was placed before a firing squad who went through the motions of execution before collapsing with laughter, joined by the priest, and left on the exercise yard soaked in his own piss
The fact that these were irregular make them worse in their unexpected nature

Woks like 'Ballad of a Raggy Boy' and the Magdalene Sisters show that behavior such as this didn't just happen 'out foreign' or in wartime; comparatively recent revelations that has damaged religion so much, probably irreparably, has shown how deep such behaviour went and for how long

My dad was a joke and humourous story teller (in the case of his very personal 'navvy stories' to 'masterpiece level) but he never mantioned priests and nuns - he always invited the visitor donation-collecting priest in to argue with him, but that was it
I think Legman's point that these jokes went far beyond the 'misogyny' stage and in many, fulfilled a deep, psychological need in some people

God - I hate being serious before breakfast
Jim
Jim


27 Apr 20 - 03:47 AM (#4048812)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

So do I...

Oh, and I try to avoid being serious much of the time ('specially when reading jokes)

So, years ago, as part of a Road Safety session at School, two related questions came up immediately after the one about "What's black and white and black and white...", the expected answer being, naturally, a "Zebra Crossing", though no doubt ideas of propelling Nuns down the stairs occurred to not a few. An aunt of mine said, "They should have been felled in every corner they were met in." Anyway, the two following questions were,
"1. What is green and yellow, and turns red at the flick of a switch?
2. What is green and yellow, turns red at the flick of a switch, and whistles?"

Nobody expecting the obvious answers, concerning types of Traffic-Lights, expected:

A parrot in a blender/liquidiser.
A parrot in a blender, pretending it disnae care.

ABCD, who has never tried to read a broadsheet newspaper, let alone in a lift/elevator.


27 Apr 20 - 04:07 AM (#4048813)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

one of my favourite religious jokes was told regularly by singer, Joe Heaney

A Protestant married a Catholic girl on the understanding that he would take up her religion - they were married in church
One Friday, shortly after the wedding, the priest was cycling pat their cottage whe he caught the smell of frying meat
drifting through the window - he propped up his bike and walked into the house, to find the man tucking into a large steak
He reminded him of his promise, which forbade him eating meat on a Friday
"But I only eat meat father, up to now that's never been a problem"
"Well, replied the priest, "Whenever you feel the urge for meat on a Friday in future you must only eat fish; try repeating "I'm a Catholic, I'm a Catholic"
I'll try father
A few Fridays after he was passing the house again when he caught the same smell - frying meat again
He stormed through the door to find the man in front of a steak saying, "You're a fish, you're a fish"
Jim


27 Apr 20 - 04:46 AM (#4048815)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Once upon a Friday, in summer and in Donegal, a Priest asked two young brothers -children only - what they had for dinner that day. Or rather, he asked them if they had eaten meat. The elder turned to the younger and giggled, "The silly oul' f****r thinks it's Christmas Day".


27 Apr 20 - 05:01 AM (#4048817)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Like it
Jim


27 Apr 20 - 08:27 AM (#4048849)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walked into a bar
"Is this a joke?", asked the barman
Jim


27 Apr 20 - 08:38 AM (#4048852)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

Another nun joke. May be a bit racy for some:

Two nuns saw a bin of cucumbers at the grocery marked "3 for $2". One of them remarked "Oh well, we can always eat the third one."


27 Apr 20 - 10:01 AM (#4048889)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

King Alfred is being chased through the woods by the Vikings when he comes upon a peasant's hut in a small clearing. He asks the woman to give him shelter. She tells him that she is in the middle of baking scones but agrees to take him in, if he watches the scones to make sure they don't burn while she goes out to collect more firewood.

Exit old woman:- room warm; Alfred tired; Alfred falls asleep.

Now, contrary to popular belief, the scones were not burnt when he woke up. In fact, the fire was almost out. He quickly put some more wood on the fire and tried to bend down to blow the embers and rekindle the fire, but found that it was impossible while wearing his armour. He looked around and saw a pair of bellows in the corner. He started pumping for all he was worth and soon had a roaring fire in the hearth. The flames were so big that they set fire to the chimney which, in turn, set fire to the thatched roof.

Result:- hut left in smoking ruins; scones burnt to a cinder.

Which gave rise to the saying; "People in brass trousers shouldn't blow scones".

DC


27 Apr 20 - 10:07 AM (#4048893)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Penguins don't bruise, sorry, and don't go into elevators (not usually).

When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.


27 Apr 20 - 10:19 AM (#4048898)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"When it's ajar."
As we used to respond in my miss-spent youth - piss in it and drink to my health
Jim


27 Apr 20 - 10:45 AM (#4048903)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

At the height of Leopold's Congo Enterprises a powerful tribal Chief decided to increase his fortune By selling his people out to the rubber companies - history has recorded the consequences
As a result, the chief became so rich he had money money than he knew what to do with
He decided to knock down his grass hut and replace it with a two storey grass palace - an incredibly opulent affair, so much so that he decided his old throne looked too shoddy, so he replaced it with a jewel-encrusted ivory one
Being a very mean man, he decided that, rather than discard the old throne, he would stow it in the largely unused upper floor
This worked out fine until, one windy day the palace was shaken so badly that the upper floor collapsed and the old throne hurtled down, crushing the chief to a pulp along with the new one he was sitting on

The moral of this tale is, 'People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones'
Jim


27 Apr 20 - 10:47 AM (#4048904)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Indeed, Penguins do not do these things.
But then, I only wrote that the joke would be "as funny". Or not.
I also wrote a number of other things. Curious that these should appear insignificant.


In addition to "what's small, blue, and completely motionless", does anyone remember what is black with red wheels?


27 Apr 20 - 11:15 AM (#4048910)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

More on Alfred's struggles with the Vikings.

As the tide began to turn in Alfred's favour, the Viking decided to fortify the defences around their encampment. The Viking warriors made trip after trip up ladders, carrying bricks to build up the walls. One warrior had been badly injured in battle and had lost his sight. He had been assigned the job of taking food out to the construction site and collecting up the dirty dishes. Looking for something to carry them in, he felt around and found a box full of bricks. He emptied them out filled it up with the dishes and then realised he could pour in a bucket of water and use it to do the washing up. Which just goes to show that a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse.

DC


27 Apr 20 - 01:23 PM (#4048935)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A mother bought her little boy a tortoise - by the end of the day he hands it to her crying, telling her "Its broken"
She examines it and finds that all four of it's legs are haning loose
She returns it to the pet shop - reluctantly the owner agrees to replace it, admitting it might have been in its shell d he hadn't noticed the problem
By the end of the day the lad repeats the performance, saying "It's broken again"
Again she takes the animal back next morning; this time the pet shop owner objects, demanding he be allowed to accompany her home and observe what the lad does fro somewhere they can't be seen
They return, she hands the lad the tortoise and they watch from the slightly ajar door
The lad sits on the floor, puts the animal down and waits for it to emerge from its shell
When it does, he picks it up and scrapes it across the floor, shouting "Vroom, vroom"
Jim


27 Apr 20 - 05:55 PM (#4048989)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Just circling around Rallujin for a while longer, and specifically Nuns, there was once a Convent somewhere on the West coast of Ireland in which one of the older ladies had an inconvenient tendency to tell jokes of an unexpected nature. Some of the other Nuns raised the matter with the Mother Superior, who advised them,
"The next time Sister Veronica comes out with any of that kind of nonsense, just you all get up immediately and leave the room. She'll soon learn sense."
It wasn't long before Sister V came into the Refectory, or whatever, saying loudly,
"Girls, did yeez hear about the Navy Squadron coming into the harbour... Ach, come on away outa that! It's only a joke!"

ABCD


27 Apr 20 - 05:58 PM (#4048990)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Variant: "ach, there's no hurry, it's not till next week!"


28 Apr 20 - 04:06 AM (#4049053)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Prefer the "next week" version - it's like my "are you in a hurry?" story 15 Apr 20 - 10:15 AM

A young nun was woken up one night by an ethereal voice saying "This is The Virgin Mary - there's a man climbing over the Convent wall"
She gets out of bed, looks out of the window and can see nothing amiss, no she goes back to sleep
A little lter the voice comes again, "This is the Vigin Mary, there's a man creeping across the grounds and heading for the chapel"
She gets out of bed, creeps downstairs, opens the front door and looks around - nothing, so she goes back to bed
Half an hour later, the somewhat distraught voice comes again,"This is Mary, the bastard's in the chapel"
Jim


28 Apr 20 - 05:37 AM (#4049069)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Which reminds me of a story from the Don Camillo series I gobbled up wholesale as you youth

(a free interpretation from memory)
The Communist mayor of an Italian mountain village secretly used to slip into the church to consult with god on local politics
A rival politician got wind of this, stationed himself behind a statue of the boy Jesus and, when the mayor began his prayers, would chip in with right wing propaganda outbursts
Eventually, the mayor had had enough; he spun round to face the offending statue and said, "I'm not talking to you, you little prick, I'm addressing your old man"
Jim


28 Apr 20 - 07:22 AM (#4049083)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Two tales yoked together; one farm labourer from "up the country", and what was called "a bit far back" (unaware of things everyone would be expected to know, as a matter of course), saw the typical representation of the Sacred Heart hanging in a farm kitchen, and asked who was that with beard on him. He was told by the farmer who had hired him,according to the tale, that it was a picture of "Our Father". Predictably, the next year, the ill-informed labourer was on another farm, and the first time he was in the kitchen he said, "I see ye have a picture of the G--------'s father as well". He was then instructed at some length in the story of Christ, with particular emphasis on "The Sufferings of Our Lord". On returning home, he told his wife enthusiastically all this new learning, and she listened with rapt attention. When he had ended, she said, "Thon lad came through a quare rough course. That's one funeral ye should have been at."


(The second part actually had a young Priest going around his new Parish for the first time, eventually visiting an elderly couple living in a remote glen).


28 Apr 20 - 08:41 AM (#4049096)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

New England singer, Sarah Grey used to make a superb job of telling a Maine story about a man married to a very strict wife for many decades
One day she choked on an apple - all attempt to revive her failed so they waked her and prepared to bury her
As the undertakers men maneuvered the coffin through the narrow doorway, they hit the doorpost and jolted the coffin so hard that it loosened the chunk of apple still stuck in the wife's throat - she revived and lived for another decade
When she 'died' a second time they waked her again; as they carried the coffin through the door the husband shouted out, "Mind the doorpost boys"
Jim


29 Apr 20 - 05:27 PM (#4049409)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

A yarn about something similar; most of a family were gathered around what was expected to be the death-bed of an elderly relative. This bed was one of a very old style, not so much a four-poster as one literally forming part of the structure of the house, in this case built into one end of a tiny, cramped room in under the eaves of the cottage. For an hour or so they conversed in hushed tones among themselves and with the old relative, carefully avoiding anything at all connected to matters of illness or debility. Eventually, with much reassurance and seemingly cheerful expressions of confidence that the invalid would soon be up and about again, they rose to go.
One by one they moved slowly to the old wooden stair that led down to the kitchen ( it also went up to the bedroom; it was handy that way). One of them banged his head against a low beam. Surprised, he roared,
"Fur shit's sake! We'll never get a coffin out o' here."


Hear about the guy that opened Dracula's coffin?
He got a bat in the mouth.

(In parts of Scotland, at least, that would be an everyday expression for a slap, etc.; come to think of it, in many parts of Scotland that would BE an everyday occurrence.)

Good Luck.


30 Apr 20 - 12:23 PM (#4049572)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

On the assumption that some might not have come across this before

A cute little girl living with her single-family mother used to relieve the boredom of the long days by strolling next door to the building site to watch the workmen through the wire fence
one day one of the men spots her and invites her in to have a closer look - they find her a box to sit on and bring her a mug of tea during the break, then, at knocking off time, they send her safely back to her mother
They are so enchanted with her that the men club together, but her a pink little boiler suit, a pink safery hat and a pair of pink workmen's gloves - they agree to adopt her as a mascot
At the end of the week, they hand her a litle pink envelope with a pound note in it, which she has to sign for with a little cross
Proudly, she runs home and hands it to her mother
Her mother takes it and says, "That will come in very handy dear - are you working next week"
"It depends whether those ****'s at the builders suppliers deliver the ***** blocks on time", she replies, smiling sweetly.
Jim


30 Apr 20 - 04:51 PM (#4049620)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons

I got in from doing the shopping and washed my hands.
The sound of running water made me want to pee.
I went to the toilet, then washed my hands . . .

This could take a while :)


30 Apr 20 - 06:07 PM (#4049625)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

"It was a dark and stormy night. A ship's crew had gathered in the 'Marquis of Granby' . The Captain said to the First Mate, 'Spin us a Yarn.' 'Aye, aye, Sir,' said the First Mate, and this was the Yarn he spun:
'It was a dark and stormy night. A ship's crew had gathered in the 'Admiral Benbow'. The Captain said to the First Mate, 'Spin us a Yarn.' 'Aye, aye, Sir,' said the First Mate, and this was the Yarn he spun:
'It was ... ad nauseam)

I told this some years ago to a small group of relatives' children, one of whom had asked for a Story, and of course they all got the humour of it very quickly. So, of course, I stopped the recitation. After a few seconds, a cousin said, encouragingly, "Go on...."


By the way, the recitation goes back to at least the Great War.


30 Apr 20 - 06:18 PM (#4049628)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F

Jim Carroll: Another version:

Little boy looks & listens while painters repaint the house, and picks up some new words, which he proceeds to use in the presence of his mother. "You can't get away with talking like that in this house. Go out to the barn and get a switch." "Fuck you, Ma, that's an electrician's job."


30 Apr 20 - 07:46 PM (#4049639)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Yet another has the child - again a boy - hanging around with the labourers and answering the question, "Aren't you working today?" with the line, "Naw, we're buggered for bricks." I think the make-over in pink etc. does add to the surprise.

Before forgetting the excursion into funerals &c., there was a story I heard years ago about the preparations for a Wake in a farming area, including the dressing of the remains which, in this instance, included the putting-on of a pair of white gloves. The person about to do this, who expected to inherit the farm, discovered that in fact the elderly relative had left it to another. He threw the gloves into the coffin, saying, "Well, f*ck ye onyway, ye may put them on yirsel', ye've mair time than I hae". Exeunt omnes.


30 Apr 20 - 08:42 PM (#4049648)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

In deepest Australia I had gotten into the habit of taking koalas and soaking them in hot water, then drinking the water before it cooled off. Nobody else liked it, there were bits of fur and other gross things...

Because...


The koala tea of Mrrzy is not strained.

(A peace corps volunteer told this story at my house in the 70's, and was appalled when I didn't get it at all, as we didn't read Shakespeare in French school.)


30 Apr 20 - 08:50 PM (#4049651)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

I'm finding that there's a somewhat unfunny coarseness creeping into this thread. My guffaws are decreasing by the day. And that's no joke.


01 May 20 - 03:50 AM (#4049681)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Sorry if I started a downward trend Steve
Unfortunately I have far more I wouldn't dream o putting up
My apprenticeship on the docks really did leave scars
Jim


01 May 20 - 10:01 AM (#4049755)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: MudGuard

Nigel, in addition to your story:

I got in from doing the shopping and washed my hands.
The sound of running water made me want to pee.
I went to the toilet, then washed my hands . . .

This could take a while - until you are empty. And feel dried out.

So you go out shopping for some beer, and drink some of it.
When getting home after the shopping, you wash your hands ...


01 May 20 - 10:06 AM (#4049758)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Hey, my story was hysterical. The joke was on him!


01 May 20 - 11:49 AM (#4049772)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

It was a dark and stormy night and the crew said to the Cap'n, Cap'n - tell us a story, so the Cap'n began
"It was a dark and stormy night and the crew said to the Cap'n, Cap'n - tell us a story, so the Cap'n began"...
Jim


01 May 20 - 12:16 PM (#4049775)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

A German officer strode into a Paris brothel during the occupation, grabbed the first girl that took his fancy, dragged her roughly to a side room, threw her on the bed and roughly ravished her
When he'd finished, he stood up, buttoned his flies, smoothed himself down and said, "In a few month's time fraulein your belly will begin to swell and after nine months you will give birth to a beautiful blond boy - you may call him Adolph - Heir Hitler"
She replied, "In a few days time your prick will begin to itch, then it will become red and painful and begin to swell and soon it will break out is red sores - you may call it a rash - Viva la France"
Jim


04 May 20 - 06:17 AM (#4050286)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.


07 May 20 - 01:02 PM (#4051064)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Just when you thought it was safe to fo in the water - not quite PC
A man walking through the forest sees a little man standing with his arms around a tree - inrrigued, he asks him wjat he is doing
He is told, "I'm a tree-measurer for the Forestry Commission - it's my job to measue and record the girth of all these trees
The man asks, "Can I have a go ?"
"You can, of course"; he stands aside and lets the stranger take fis place; when he wrapps his arms around the tree, the little man whips outt a pair of handcuffs, slaps tem around his wrists, drops he trousers and gives him a good seeing to - then walks off
The amn is left distraught, with his trosers around his ankles for a couple of hours, when another stranger comes along - he explains his predicament
The man unbuttons his flies and says, "Aren't you a little old to believe such nonsense from strange men ?"
Jim


07 May 20 - 02:36 PM (#4051075)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bainbo

Rape “not quite PC”.


07 May 20 - 03:01 PM (#4051080)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"Rape “not quite PC”."
I was aware os that - apologies
My bad upbringing creeping to the fore again, I'm afraid
Jim


09 May 20 - 05:45 AM (#4051378)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

I went to a shop yesterday, on my bicycle, to buy some whisky. Having bought it I was just about to get on the bike to go home when I thought 'What if I fall off'?? Of course the bottle would likely smash..... so I drank the whisky before riding home to be safe. Sure enough.... I fell off my bike 7 times on the way home.... So glad I drank that whisky when I did or I would have smashed it.


09 May 20 - 06:11 AM (#4051382)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

"or I would have smashed it."
And you have noticed the pain of falling off your bike

Just told this on the 'fell off my bike" thread a story told of my home town of Kirkby - a rough estate near Liverpool
A young couple were cycling along a Kirkby street on a tandem when dog ran out and threw a bucket of water over them

Another similar
A man was driving through Kirkby when his car brole down - he got out and lifted the bonnet to see if he could find what was wrong
A minute later two men ran out of a nearby block of flats carrying a jack, and began to jack up the car
"What are you doing" shouted th driver
"Feck off", came the reply, "If you're having the engine we'll have the wheels"

Precious memories
Jim


10 May 20 - 06:24 AM (#4051583)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Just remembered this - was told it by a Jewish friend in Manchester a lifetime ago

A Japanese man applies to become a Rabbi - after much debate he was given a chance - He passed the exams with flying colours and was given a congregation to minister to
After a time he received a summons from the head Rabbi - he attended and was told:
"Look- we're all very impressed that someone from your background should take up our faith and do so well, with one exception - your circumcisions - this "Ah so" (with chopping gesture) simply isn't going down well with the parents"
Jim


10 May 20 - 08:06 AM (#4051593)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

An Inuit hunter is sitting by an ice hole, fishing, but is starting to get cold. Not wanting to go to the bother of building an igloo, he decides to make a fire with washed-up drift wood and some seal blubber. The trouble is, every time the fire gets going, it melts the ice and puts the flames out. Being a resourceful chap, he constructs a platform in the cockpit of his canoe and builds his fire on that. His plan is all too successful and the heat burns a hole in the bottom of the boat which promptly sinks. Which just goes to show:- you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

DC


10 May 20 - 08:49 AM (#4051605)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Story recorded from Caherciveen Traveller, Mikeen McCarthy in the 1970s
Jim

M Mc The traveller that’s how they got their living like d’y know supposed to be terrible liers, but their was never a traveller told the truth. That’s in dealing like in horses an all that which it was different if you got down to conversation they wouldn’t tell you no lies them. To avoid the guards and the police and everything like that, they’d tell you a world of lies.

But there was an old guard anyway an he came on with a bicycle. An there was a man by the name of Tom Brien and there was two horses wandering up the road, and on came the guard, Tom he said is it you own the horses up the road. Oh no ses Tom not me at all he said they belong to a farmer up the road or something. So the old guard goes on with his bicycle an here he’s trying this farm and that farm, he couldn’t find no one up for the horses. So he came back down, an when he came back down Tom had the two horses tied up with a rope up the village, that’s they call the head stand. Now when he had the horses tied up like the guard couldn’t summons him. He came the way, Tom he said you’re an awful bloody lier he said. How’s that said Tom? You told me a while ago you didn’t own them horses. Well he said during the time you were gone, he said, and the time you came back tis then I found out I owned em he said. Jeekers Tom he said you’re an awful lier, he said, tell me Tom he said, did a tinker ever go to heaven? Oh they did ses he, one went he said, and when he went in he left down his budget, that’s was his bud for bringing the tin and the tools and all that. And he started making tin wear in the side of the streets in heaven, he said, and the first money he got, he said, he went into the first pub, he said and he got drunk, and he started fighting with all the angels above in heaven he said. And would you believe me they search all heaven for a guard to put him out and they couldn’t find one.


19 May 20 - 03:22 PM (#4053737)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

The next time travellers support group meeting will be held last Thursday at 2pm.


20 May 20 - 12:42 PM (#4053960)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Too true I'm afraid - they are experiencing a touch of ethnic cleansing at the moment - not funny, I know
Jim


20 May 20 - 02:34 PM (#4054000)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Jim, I presume you comment was about travellers. The joke was about time-travellers, as in Dr Who.

DC


20 May 20 - 03:00 PM (#4054007)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Shit - sorry - - a senior moment I'm going to have
Jim


21 May 20 - 07:57 AM (#4054139)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.


21 May 20 - 09:55 AM (#4054162)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

A woman, booked into a large hotel, called the reception to complain about a man exposing himself. When the manager arrived, she pointed out of the window to the block opposite, saying "Look! He's walking around completely naked with the curtains open."

"To be fair, Madam", said the manager, "you can only see him from his chest up".

Back came the shrill reply "Stand on the table. STAND ON THE TABLE!"

DC


22 May 20 - 06:04 AM (#4054311)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler

I went to my anger management group this week. They said I can't go back next week, just because I threw the facilitator out of the window.
RtS


22 May 20 - 06:55 AM (#4054316)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

I have an appointment as the memory clinic but I can't remember where or when.

DC


22 May 20 - 06:58 AM (#4054317)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jon Freeman

I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect.


22 May 20 - 07:02 AM (#4054319)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Modesty is one of my many qualities.

DC


22 May 20 - 08:35 AM (#4054336)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Humility is my middle name, and I don't mind shouting it from the rooftops.


22 May 20 - 09:03 AM (#4054342)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

Well you might as well have the whole collection............                                                                   Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

I went to my first meeting for people with low self esteem today. Sign at front of building read ‘’Low self esteem group, use the back door’’

I joined a support group for people with memory loss which was supposed to meet at 2pm on Monday. Nobody turned up!!

I went to the anger management support group today but they were shouting so much I just left!

The asthma support group I went to today was so good it really took my breath away.

I was going to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome support group today but I couldn’t get out of bed.

I was going to the ‘Dizzyness’ support group today but I fell over on the way.

Was going to the exercise addiction support group today but ended up running past it.

Went to the Gambling Addiction support group today and it made me a little better.

Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family.

Went to the Insomnia support group today but missed it all as I fell asleep.

Went to the Irritable bowel syndrome support group today but got fed up with all the bellyaching.

Went to the Kleptomaniacs support group today and came home with a lovely pair of silver candlesticks.

Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.

Would have gone to the Migraine sufferers support group today but came home with a headache last time, so gave it a miss.

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.

Was going to go to the Phobia support group today but was too frightened to go.

Was on my way to the Shopping addiction support group today but didn’t get there as M&S was open.

Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

First visit to the Unemployed support group today.. it was just the job.

The next time travellers support group meeting will be last Thursday at 2pm.

I went to the ‘Hernia sufferers group’ today but I found no support there.


22 May 20 - 09:20 AM (#4054344)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash

I'm not an Alcoholic, I'm a drunk.

Alcoholics go to meetings!


22 May 20 - 10:50 AM (#4054362)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Difference between a Drunk and an Alcoholic?
A Drunk enjoys it.


23 May 20 - 10:02 AM (#4054577)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Ernest

@ An Buachail Caol Dubh:
So its just like the difference between a violin and a fiddle.... ;0)


23 May 20 - 07:17 PM (#4054694)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

You mean, it depends on the person, not his companion?

""*[//]) {> ::::


24 May 20 - 07:39 AM (#4054798)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Why did the unity of purpose (UP) meeting become a chaotic riot?
They agreed to disagree.


24 May 20 - 07:44 AM (#4054800)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

If you set out deliberately to fail, and you manage to do so, have you failed or succeeded? I'm neither a Cretan nor (American pronunciation) a cretin.


24 May 20 - 08:38 AM (#4054816)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

I used to live in Crete. I'm ex-Cretian...

I used to like tractors, but no more. I'm an ex-tractor fan.


24 May 20 - 01:34 PM (#4054866)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Oh (John Deer(ing) Steve

A farming couple lived and worked together for years without having, sex despite the growing desires of the lady
One day he was ploughing the top field with his two horses when a fairy godmother landed and asked him why he was looking so gloomy
“I don’t like sex anymore”, he said, “I seem to have lost interest, but my wife is desperate for it”
She says, “Tell you what I’ll do; I’ll give you the sex drive of one of these fine animals, if you pick out the one you want”
He thinks for a second then picks one
She taps the horse on the flank, the farmer on the shoulder, and flies off
He feels nothing until he returns home and sees his wife bending over the stove
He takes her around the waist, guides her into the bedroom and they make love – it lasts a couple of hours, at the end of which she gasps, “What’s come over you Tommy?”
He tell her exactly what happened, “Why, didn’t you like it?”
“That was wonderful” she gasps, “But would you mind going back to her and asking can you pick the bigger horse this time”
Jim


24 May 20 - 06:52 PM (#4054932)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Hey ma? Got any pictures of me as a kid? Maybe in the tub? asked the narcissistic pedophile.


24 May 20 - 08:51 PM (#4054944)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

That's not a joke.


24 May 20 - 09:06 PM (#4054947)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Its a joke. Its nuttier than squirrel shit but its a joke.
Honest Steve its not about you. At least I hope not.


25 May 20 - 06:06 AM (#4055022)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Mathematicians favourite bathtime pastime !
To fart in the bath and count the bubbles
Jim


25 May 20 - 06:26 AM (#4055030)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

Donuel, it's not funny, it's in terrible taste, it's not about me and it's squirm-making. It's a frank non-joke in a joke thread. I think that's a pity, but hey ho. And please stop personalising it when I express an opinion. I'm beginning to think that there's something seriously wrong with you.


25 May 20 - 07:55 AM (#4055052)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Two nuns had just been brought sharply to task by the Mother Superior for some minor indiscretion. As she walked away, one nun said "The Reverend Mother seems to have got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning". "That's true enough" said the other. "She's wearing Father O'Brian's boots".

DC


25 May 20 - 08:42 AM (#4055059)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

I'll have to wipe my grin off before I go into town Doug - might bump into the local Canon

My dad (a excommunicated Catholic) used to joke about the name of a popular tobacco, 'Three Nuns' "Nun today, nun tomorrow, nun next week'

A prank rather than a joke
Our local beauty spot by the sea used to house a very active convent and school and also a smell popular thatched hotel (now the massive modern Armada Hotel)
They were re-roofing the small hotel at one time using English workers who used to drink in our local music pub Friel's where many of the clientele ans the publican couple spoke Irish
One night they decided to teach the roofers Irish - the phrase “Pog Mo Thoin,” (pron. poge mahone meaning "kiss my arse" was the favourite) - they were persuaded it meant "good morning"
Totally unaware, the lads would shout in Irish at the passing nuns "kiss my arse" until some humanitarian explained the joke
Jim


25 May 20 - 04:29 PM (#4055149)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Steve Shaw - SS officer of jokes
I don't think there is a good tasting joke here.
Thats what makes them jokes. There are delicious jokes but they are rare. To me what is funny is an oblique take on the unspeakable truth.
Instead of clogging YOUR thread up with vindictives try a PM pal.
btw I am glad you are begining to think.

Aren't most the jokes about; farts shit piss sex death hypocrisy and ignorance
- and what tastes good about those?
The way they are told I suppose.


25 May 20 - 04:47 PM (#4055152)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw

You appear to not understand humour. Over and out.


25 May 20 - 10:10 PM (#4055179)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

I know bad jokes are good and good jokes aren't bad.
I even understand your dad was a great joke teller and honouring 'the joke thread' is like honouring your dad and there isn't anything bad about that. Bad jokes were never meant to harm. You should excuse the bad jokes because one mans joke is another mans shining diamond stuck in a goats ass.
Jim often polishes up the archeaic joke which is historicly interesting.
Robin Williams had more bad jokes than George Carlin but they were both funny.
If you don't like a show, change the channel. If you hate a joke, don't laugh but being the humor gestapo is imo offensive.


25 May 20 - 10:46 PM (#4055184)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Maybe this one's a bit derivative in form:

What's red, white and blue, with a long wooden pole, and still looked up to by many people in India?
Mother Teresa with a spear through her skull.


25 May 20 - 10:57 PM (#4055186)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Hahahahahahahaha *snort* heehee!


26 May 20 - 08:23 AM (#4055247)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

Jim Carroll,,,, You added    'Mathematicians favourite bathtime pastime !
To fart in the bath and count the bubbles' .... Just to let you now that they are collectively known as 'Puff adders'.


26 May 20 - 08:43 AM (#4055251)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Forgotten about that GS - thanks
Jim


26 May 20 - 08:59 AM (#4055254)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

And that craves wary washing.


27 May 20 - 06:36 AM (#4055440)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

A doctor arrived at his surgery one morning to find a large bag on the doorstep. He looked inside and found a new born baby with a note saying "Please look after my child". As a medical professional, he knew that it was a responsibility he could not shirk but there would be so many forms to fill in and he had patients waiting. He took it inside and examined it. As the baby seemed in good health, he decided to deal with his morning patients before handing it over for further care.

The first patient was the local vicar, a hypochondriac whom the doctor knew well. He had suffered every disease known to man and, this morning, was complaining of acute stomach pains. The doctor suspected trapped wind but thought that if, this time, he could convince him that it really was something serious, it might shock him out of his hypochondria. The situation gave him the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

He told the vicar to drop his trousers, lie on the examination table and open his legs. The doctor then pressed on the vicar's belly, causing him to let out a long fart. The doctor picked up the baby and said "Congratulations! You have given birth to a healthy boy".
"B..b..but I can't have done" stammered the vicar, "It's not possible!"
"God moves in mysterious ways" replied the doctor.

The vicar, being a good Christian, accepted his apparent responsibilities a brought the child up as his own. When the boy reached the age of 18, the vicar thought that it was time that he knew the truth. It was a difficult conversation but it had to be done. He said "You have always been my son and always will be. You have grown up calling me Dad but, in fact, I am not ACTUALLY you father.

Looking rather shocked at the news, the young man asked "Then who is my father?"

In an anguished tone, the vicar replied "The bishop!"


DC


27 May 20 - 09:00 PM (#4055550)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

A long time ago, a country doctor was consulted by a woman who thought she might be pregnant, but, taking account of her age, this doctor also diagnosed trapped wind. She went on her way and the doctor didn't see her for something over a year; she was wheeling a pram, and it contained a baby (being designed for the purpose).
"Oh... I see you were pregnant after all," he said, in some surprise.
"Not at all," she responded, "thon's jist a fart wi' a hat on it."

Based on a True Story.


29 May 20 - 05:10 PM (#4055880)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

30 Target stores in Minneapolis are closed due to riots.
3 Target stores were burned or damaged.



Andy Svenson

The civil unrest in Minneapolis and St. Paul has left a trail of burned out buildings, smashed windows, and looted stores across the Twin Cities.

Here are the reports of damage or looting that have come in since Wednesday evening. This story will be update as more reports come in:

In Minneapolis
– O'Reilly Auto Parts 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Family Dollar 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Pat's Tap 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– B-Squad Vintage 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Speedway 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Casablanca Foods 33rd and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Valerie's 32nd and Nicollet: Property damage.

– A Automall Inc. East Lake: Property damage, vehicles stolen.

– Speedway at 60th and Portland: Property damage.

– Broadway Clinic North Minneapolis: Property damage.

– Juxtaposition Arts North Emerson: Property damage.

– Sew Simple Nicollet and 24th: Property damage, looting.

– Park and Lake Car Wash on East Lake Street Windows broken, graffiti and some interior damage.


– Park-Nicollet Minneapolis Clinic: Property damage.

– Arby's Lake Street: Destroyed by fire.

– K-Mart Lake Street: Property damage.

– Penzey's Spices Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Walgreens Hennepin and 27th: Property damage.

– Midori's Floating World Cafe Lake Street: Fire damage.

– GM Tobacco Lake and 27th: Fire damage.

– McDonald's Lake and 31st: Property damage.

– Walgreens Central and Lowry in Northeast: Property damage.

– Wells Fargo Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Ladditude Tattoo Lake and 27th: Fire damage.

– LV's Barbershop Lake and 27th: Fire damage.

– The Hub Bike Co-op Minnehaha and 30th: Property damage.

– J-Klips Lake Street: Property damage.

– 5 Guys Hennepin and 24th: Property damage.

– Holiday Hennepin and 25th: Property damage.

– Honda Town Lake and 43rd: Property damage.

– Tires Plus Lake and 34th: Property damage.

– Hennepin County Human Service Center: Property damage.

– ICC Wireless Lake Street: Property damage.

– Jackson Hewitt Tax Service: Property damage.

– Little Caesars Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Teppanyaki Grill Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Home Choice Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Dollar General Lake Street: Extensive fire damage.


– Twin Lake Dental: Fire and property damage.

– HD Laundry Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Citi Trends Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Total Wireless Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Pineda Tacos Lake Street: Property damage.

– Subway Lake Street: Property damage.

– 7 Mile Fashion Express East Lake Street: Destroyed by fire

– The Fremont Bar Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– O'Reilly Auto Parts West Broadway: Extensive fire damage.

– Broadway Liquor Outlet West Broadway: Property damage, looting.

– Quality Tobacco Lake and 1st: Extensive fire damage.

– Skol Liquor Store 27th Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Max-It Pawn Shop Cedar Avenue: Extensive fire damage.

– Minnehaha Liquor Lake Street: Property damage, looting, extensive fire damage.

– Hexagon Bar at E 26th and 27th: Extensive fire damage.

– Target Lake Street: Looting, graffiti, property damage, fire damage.

– Wendy's Lake Street: Fire, destroyed.

– Autozone Lake Street: Fire, destroyed.

– Cub Foods Lake Street: Looting, property damage, fire damage.


Lou Raguse
?
@LouRaguse
The owners of this Cub gave me permission to show the damage inside

Embedded video
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– Under construction affordable housing development at 26th and 29th: Fire, destroyed.

– 7-Sigma building, 26th and 29th: Fire, extensive damage.

– Minneapolis 3rd Police Precinct: Property damage, graffiti.

– Dollar Tree off Lake Street: Property damage, looting.

– Metro by T-Mobile Lake Street: Fire, extensive damage.

– Hi Lake Liquor: Property damage, looting.

– Speedway East Lake Street: Property damage.

– East Lake Library: Windows smashed, graffiti.

– Precision Tune Auto Care Lake Street: Property damage.

– U.S. Bank Lake Street: Property damage, graffiti.

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– Dairy Queen East Lake Street: Property damage.

– Papa Murphy's Pizza East Lake Street: Property damage.

– Planet Fitness on Lake: Property damage.

– Domino's Pizza 26th and 28th: Property damage.

– Urban Forage Winery and Cider House, Lake and 29th: Property damage, looting.

– Gandhi Mahal Restaurant, 27th and Lake: Window smashed.


Evan Frost
@efrostee
Some businesses like Gandhi Mahal have put up signs that they are minority owned, in hopes of not being looted. Still windows broken.

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– Car-X Tire & Auto East Lake Street: Property damage, vehicle smashed through windows.

– Frattelone's Ace Hardware East Lake Street: Property damage.

– MN Transitions Charter School: Property damage.

– Laundro Max East Lake Street: Window smashed.

– Soderberg's Floral & Gift East Lake Street: Property damage.

– East Lake Clinic: Property damage.

– Seward Pharmacy: Window smashed, graffiti.

– Electra Tune Auto Care on Lake St: Property damage, vehicle stolen.

– Walgreens at 43rd and Chicago: Property damage, looting.

– Elevated Beer Wine & Spirits, Hiawatha Ave: Property damage, looting.

– Schooner's Tavern, barbershop next door: Fire, property damage.

– Seward Co-op, 28th and Franklin: Window smashed, attempted theft of ATM.

– Midtown Global Market: Property damage, looting.

Screen Shot 2020-05-28 at 9.16.39 AM
Seward Community Co-op, Facebook

– Briva Health Lake Street: Window smashed.

– Foot Locker East Lake Street: Property damage, looting.

– BMO Harris East Lake Street: Property damage.

– TCF Bank at 38th and Minnehaha: Property damage.

– Studiiyo23 Hennepin Avenue, Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– DTLR, Broadway, North Minneapolis: Property damage, looting.

– Uptown Pawn: Property damage, looting.

– La Familia Skate Shop: Property damage.

– Target Uptown: Property damage, looting.

Target Uptown
Spencer Wallman

– Chicago & Lake Liquor: Property damage, looting.

– East Lake Liquor: Property damage, looting.

– Ingebretsens on Lake: Property damage, windows smashed.

– Freewheel Bike: Property damage, windows smashed.

– Hamdi Restaurant, Midtown: Property damage, graffiti.

– Hudson's Hardware, East 42nd Street: Property damage and looting.

– Birchwood Cafe, East 25th Street: Property damage.


– CVS Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Timberland Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Sunnys Wigs 29th and Lyndale: Property damage.

– Thurston Jewelers West Lake Street: Property damage.


– Banadir Pharmacy West Lake Street: Property damage and looting

– Sephora Uptown: Property damage.

– Gamestop Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Indulge and Bloom, Uptown: Property damage.

– H&M Uptown: Windows smashed.

– Apple Store Uptown: Windows smashed., looting.

– Urban Outfitters Uptown: Door window smashed.

– Smokeless Northeast: Vandalized, closed till further notice.

– AutoZone at 501 West Broadway, North Minneapolis: Unconfirmed report of looting, property damage.

– Buzzmart, downtown Minneapolis: Property damage.

– Town Talk Diner, Lake Street: Extensive property damage.


Miguel Otárola
@motarola123
Charles Stotts took me inside Town Talk Diner, which he has owned on Lake Street for four years. It's destroyed. #GeorgeFloyd

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In St. Paul
– Turf Club: Property damage.

– Gordon Parks High School: Property damage.

– Trader Joe's St. Paul: Property damage, looting.

– A1 Lock Service on Snelling: Property damage

– Holiday Station at Wabasha and Plato: Property damage and looting.

– Gold'n Treasures on Grand Ave: Property damage and looting.

– Speedway at Grand and Cleveland: Extensive fire damage.

– T-Mobile at Excelsior and Grand: Property damage, looting.

– 1st Grand Avenue Liquors on Grand and Milton: Property damage, looting.

– Foot Locker Midway: Extensive fire damage.

– GameStop Midway: Extensive fire damage, looting.

– To New York Midway: Property damage.

– Peking Garden Midway: Property damage.

– Lloyd's Pharmacy Snelling and Minnehaha: Destroyed by fire.

– Target Midway: Property damage, looting.

– CVS University Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Max It Pawn Shop University Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Verizon Store Hamline Avenue: Property damage.

– Noodles & Co Hamline Avenue: Property damage.

– Vitamine Shoppe Hamline Avenue: Property damage.

– Big Top Liquors Midway: Property damage.

– TJ Maxx Midway: Property damage, small fire.

– Sprint store Midway: Property damage, looting.

– Midway Tobacco Outlet Plus: Property damage

– NAPA Auto Parts University Avenue: Property damage, fire.

– T-Mobile on Arcade and York: Property damage, looting.

– LeeAnn Chinn Midway: Property damage, graffiti.


– America's Best Contacts & Eyeglasses Midway: Property damage, graffiti.

– Furniture Barn Midway: Property damage, graffiti, fire.

– BP on University Avenue: Property damage.

– Walgreens on Randolph and Snelling: Property damage, looting.

– Discount Tire Co. Midway: Property damage.

– O'Reilly Auto Parts Lexington: Property damage, fire.

– TCF Bank Lexington and University: Property damage.

– Lululemon Grand Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Speedway University Ave: Property damage, fire.

– Ananya Dance Theater University Ave: Property damage.

– Springboard for the Arts University Ave: Property damage, fire.

– 7-Mile Sportwear University Ave: Property damage, looting.

– Fire n Ice Chicken: Property damage.

– Liquor Barrel on West 7th: Property damage, looting.

– Moellers Jewelry, Highland: Property damage.

– The Fixery, Highland: Property damage.

– Bole Ethiopian Restaurant: Fire.

– Enterprise University Avenue: Fire.

Twin Cities suburbs
– The Jewelers Saint Anthony: Property damage.

– GameStop Brooklyn Center: Property damage, looting.

– Walmart Brooklyn Center: Property damage, looting

.– T-Mobile Store Brooklyn Center: Property damage.

– Family Dollar Brooklyn Center: Property damage.

– Walgreens 63rd and Brooklyn Blvd., Brooklyn Center: Property damage.

– Western Service Center, Apple Valley: Propert, fire, and water damage.

TAGSAUTOZONEMINNEAPOLIS RIOTSST. PAULMINNESOTALOOTINGGEORGE FLOYDTARGET
BY ADAM UREN damaged


29 May 20 - 06:46 PM (#4055900)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things *so* literally.


29 May 20 - 06:49 PM (#4055901)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.


04 Jun 20 - 06:51 AM (#4057139)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

What't lethal and comes out of the oven ?
Genghis Flan
Jim Carroll


04 Jun 20 - 06:51 AM (#4057140)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Or did I mean Atilla the Bun ?
Jim


09 Jul 20 - 05:19 PM (#4063555)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

What is fast, loud, and crunchy?

A rocket chip!

[Works better for Americans...]


10 Jul 20 - 02:03 PM (#4063671)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

Bought a brand new 50 inch television today. It was reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could anyone turn it down.


10 Jul 20 - 10:31 PM (#4063722)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store and was rushed to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with medical forms. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!"

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


11 Jul 20 - 08:30 AM (#4063742)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll

Wonder if this works outside Ireland - heard it in the paper shop this morning

A man walks into a greengrocer's shop in Dublin and asks for "half a cauliflower" - he is told that they aren't allowed to sell half-vegetables
The man is furious and says,"I only want a half - go check with the manager"
The shop assistant goes into the back office and, not noticing the customer has followed him in, says to the boss - "There's a bollix in the shop asking for half a cauliflower"
The boss indicates the man is behind him and the assistant continues quickly, "But luckily this gentleman will have the other half"
The customer leaves the shop satisfied
The boss turns to the assistant and says, "I compliment you on your quick response there - you're new here, were are you from ?"
"Galway" he says, "I left because the place is full of hoors and hurlers nowadays"
Offended, the boss says, "I'm from Galway"
"Who do you play for?", the man asks
Jim


27 Jul 20 - 10:34 AM (#4066096)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bainbo

Before he became famous, Little Richard used to cut back overgrown gardens for a living.

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.


27 Jul 20 - 11:09 AM (#4066107)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Hahaha!

Knock, knock!


27 Jul 20 - 11:24 AM (#4066110)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Go way unless you're wearing a mask


27 Jul 20 - 12:04 PM (#4066121)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor

He's an old one I recycled for a recently deleted thread:

I took a viagra last night but in stuck in my throat and I wound up with a stiff neck.

...got my coat in hand.


27 Jul 20 - 01:13 PM (#4066136)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Who's there? [I pretend someone asked]

Dwayne!


27 Jul 20 - 01:45 PM (#4066145)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael

Dwayne in Spain?


27 Jul 20 - 02:30 PM (#4066155)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Dwayne the bafftub, I'm dwowning!


28 Jul 20 - 03:15 AM (#4066236)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: BobL

Knockknock!



Nicolas



- girls shouldn't climb trees.


28 Jul 20 - 09:10 AM (#4066268)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

S-knicker!


30 Jul 20 - 09:47 AM (#4066560)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

FYI I am having a hard time telling that joke to Murricans.

How do divas warm up?
Do re mi me me me me ME!


15 Aug 20 - 09:20 AM (#4068436)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red

Charles Dickens' book "a Tale of Two Cities" was originally serialised in two newspapers:

It was the Bicester Times
And the Worcester Times.


18 Aug 20 - 10:46 AM (#4068725)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler

Good news for music students. Following the latest OFQual upgrade AC/DC are now ABBA.
RtS


18 Aug 20 - 02:47 PM (#4068748)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver

AndAbba have been downgraded to BCCB.


18 Aug 20 - 09:19 PM (#4068781)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F

A mother is 21 years older than her child.
Exactly 6 years from now, the mother will be 5 times as old as the child.
What is the father doing?


18 Aug 20 - 10:25 PM (#4068790)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Changing diapers?


19 Aug 20 - 04:07 AM (#4068799)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

He won't be changing diapers yet. He will probably be worrying about how his wage is going to keep three mouths fed, once the baby is born.

DC


19 Aug 20 - 04:11 AM (#4068800)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick

Silly me! He won't be worrying about anything - he's too busy making babies.

DC


19 Aug 20 - 09:12 PM (#4068893)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F

Right. If you do the algebra, you will find that the age of the child is minus three-quarters of a year.


19 Aug 20 - 09:17 PM (#4068894)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

I can do the algebra... It's the arithmetic that screwed me up.


20 Aug 20 - 05:03 AM (#4068922)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler

This just in on the exam regrade: Dominic Raab is henceforward Dominic RBBC.

(I'll get em mortarboard)
RtS


21 Aug 20 - 03:25 PM (#4069084)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Greum

A chap sees a couple of workers out of his window and watches them for a while. The first guy digs a hole, then the other guy comes along and fills the hole in. They do this every 10 metres or so. After a while the chap can't watch any longer, and he goes to ask them what they are doing. "Oh," says the first guy. "We're from Herts Highways. There's usually three of us, but the lass who puts the tree in the hole called in sick this morning!"


21 Aug 20 - 10:38 PM (#4069109)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Shelly Goldberg had never had a spiritual experience until one night an invisible booming voice proclaimed 'GOLDBERG SELL YOUR BUSINESS FOR CASH'. Goldberg was stunned but obeyed the voice. In the morning he awoke to a command of 'GOLDBERG GO TO LOS VEGAS'. Without discussion he was on a flight that night. In Vegas he heard 'GOLDBERG PUT THE MONEY ON ONE GAME OF BLACKJACK'. Tearfully he did and stood on 18 while the dealer had 17. 'GOLDBERG TAKE ANOTHER CARD', shaking, he drew an ace. 'GOLDBERG TAKE ANOTHER CARD'. Breaking down he drew a second ace. Still the voice beckoned 'TAKE ANOTHER CARD GOLDBERG'. Shelly sat motionless and finally took another card. It was an ace for 21 and the voice shouted 'HOLY SHIT GOLDBERG YOU LUCKY BASTARD'.


22 Aug 20 - 11:07 PM (#4069240)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Neil D

There once was a monastery where all the monks took a vow of silence, with one exception. Each year on the date of the founding of their order one monk was granted permission to speak one sentence. One year it was Brother Theodoric's turn and he stood up during the evening meal and said: "I don't like these potatoes."
The next year it was Brother Athelstan's turn and he said: "I like the potatoes, actually." A year later Brother Cuthbert rose and stated: "I am leaving this order because of all the constant bickering."































;


08 Oct 20 - 07:40 PM (#4074801)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes," the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."


29 Oct 20 - 12:05 AM (#4077195)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

Where did the mermaid meet her fisherman lover?

Online, of course!


29 Oct 20 - 06:02 PM (#4077348)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F

There's a fine line between a fish in the water and a fool on shore.


03 Nov 20 - 07:56 AM (#4078035)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

A donkey and an elephant are both sitting on the far ends of a park bench reading a newspaper. Up walks a donkey with a trunk and thick legs and asks if there is room in the middle of the park bench saying "Is there room?". The donkey and elephant plop down their newspapers in the middle and say "NO".
The hybrid says "Oaky Dokey then".

Happy election day, at long last.


14 Nov 20 - 08:30 PM (#4079654)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy

It isn't a coup unless it comes from the Coup d'Etat region of France.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling authoritarian takeover.


16 Dec 20 - 12:11 PM (#4083755)
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel

Four and a half year old Kodaly asked his dad, "Where does poo come from?" Unfortunatly dad was a nerd, "Well son it all begins with the sense of smell a taste. Acceptable smells and tastes allow for the injestion of proper food. In fact the bitter taste of alkoloids which often are poison are rejected. When the food reaches the stomach enzymes and even strong acids are added via secretion and allowed to pass further into the digestive tract to be acted upon by the liver, gall bladder and pancreas where the far flung islets of langerhans...
BUT DADDY - WHAT HAPPENED TO POOH, TIGER AND PIGLET??
Just a minute son, I haven't even gotten to the colon...wha?"