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17 Jan 21 - 07:16 AM (#4088405) Subject: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse With "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" on the tele last night, I thought of this query but, when I just searched, only found joke threads for 2018 to 2020. So, if I may, why does Harrison Ford often spill his drink in movies? Spilberg?! |
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17 Jan 21 - 07:40 AM (#4088407) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'. |
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17 Jan 21 - 09:29 AM (#4088414) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick Why did the chicken cross the road? = = = = = = = ÷ = ÷ ÷ ÷ Because the chicken coming towards him would have been too close for social distancing! DC |
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17 Jan 21 - 09:56 AM (#4088416) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse ...definitely not a headless chicken, then, DC! |
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17 Jan 21 - 11:44 AM (#4088431) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Abraham bound his son Isaac on an altar at Moriah long ago, as he had been instructed by God. An angel suddenly stopped Abraham when he was about to slay his son and switched Isaac with a ram! WHAM Donald bound his son Donald on an alter in Maralago, as he had been instructed by Satan. A demon suddenly stopped Donald when he was about to slay his son and switched old Donald with Donald! WHAM |
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17 Jan 21 - 11:53 AM (#4088434) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel or switched Donald with old Donald, I don't know which is worse. |
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17 Jan 21 - 03:09 PM (#4088464) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Raggytash Donuel, I know that this has been posted before but your "humour" is only "humourous" to yourself. You are not funny to the rest of us. |
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17 Jan 21 - 04:03 PM (#4088473) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I've been biting my lip here, but I couldn't agree more, Raggytash. If yanks find his stuff funny, well I can say is that it explains everything that's wrong with America. Seven posts, eight now, and not a laugh in sight apart from Georgiansilver's ancient one. I mean, for God's sake. I hardly have the energy to conjure up a joke meself. "Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains!" "Hmm, I thought you looked a little drawn..." |
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17 Jan 21 - 04:30 PM (#4088478) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick Thanks for that vote of confidence, Steve. Well, it made me chuckle when I first heard it. DC |
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17 Jan 21 - 05:24 PM (#4088485) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I know. We're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Indicative of the times I suppose. I admit to a small grin when I read yours, but I think I need non-coronavirus and non-Trump jokes... |
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17 Jan 21 - 08:25 PM (#4088512) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Raggytash I said to the wife's sister in bed this morning, there's too much happiness in the world. :-) |
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17 Jan 21 - 08:59 PM (#4088519) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw That'll do! :-) |
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17 Jan 21 - 09:13 PM (#4088523) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel And you thought 2021 would be different. |
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17 Jan 21 - 09:20 PM (#4088524) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel People are saying "you poked the bear and will pay for it". I suppose we all have a bear to cross. |
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18 Jan 21 - 05:44 AM (#4088550) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw My God, is the corset shop still open? I think I've just busted mine... :-( |
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18 Jan 21 - 08:28 AM (#4088577) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver Of corset is Steve Shaw. |
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18 Jan 21 - 09:06 AM (#4088581) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw *Groan* but hurray! :-) |
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18 Jan 21 - 09:13 AM (#4088583) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mrrzy His humor often stays. |
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18 Jan 21 - 09:18 AM (#4088586) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Thank you. |
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19 Jan 21 - 11:02 AM (#4088786) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mr Red I need non-coronavirus and non-Trump jokes... you can hope but you can't hide Stephen Colbert US talk show host not only sang a shanty, well a line of Billy o' Tea, but made a telling remark. It was a picture of a truck being loaded at the White House and he quipped "I never thought I would find a picture of a moving truck............. moving" |
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19 Jan 21 - 05:53 PM (#4088851) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Biden's dog has no nose... |
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20 Jan 21 - 06:50 AM (#4088904) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mr Red Just as well, after the last occupant of the WH. |
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23 Jan 21 - 05:40 AM (#4089432) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: gillymor Stormy Daniels claims to have had a brief affair with Donald Trump for which she was well-compensated, Trump says it isn't so. I don't know who to believe, the fake blonde with the big boobs or the porn star. |
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23 Jan 21 - 05:54 AM (#4089435) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick A boy arrives at school wearing a Fitbit watch. The P.E. teacher is most impressed and asks him of he is keeping track of his steps. "No" he replies. "I'm wearing it for my Mum, so Dad won't think that she's been sitting down, watching TV all day". DC |
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23 Jan 21 - 10:58 AM (#4089494) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel "Keep running that play until you get it right" said Larry King, Married 8 times and once arrested for grand larceny |
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23 Jan 21 - 11:00 AM (#4089497) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Raggytash Two Lions were walking down Deansgate in Manchester one Saturday afternoon. One says to t'other it's quiet for a Saturday ain't it. |
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23 Jan 21 - 04:56 PM (#4089584) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVfGItTM7ss |
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24 Jan 21 - 08:13 AM (#4089682) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick An old man passed away and his daughter had the difficult job of telling her young son that he wouldn't bee seeing his grandfather any more. She sat him on her knee and started to explain but it was clear from his face that he wasn't taking it in. So she started again, in a way she hoped he would understand. "Do remember when we found that little baby bird on the path, the other day?" Suddenly, a look of surprise came across his face. He turned to his mother and, in a shocked tone, said "Grandad fell out of a tree?" DC |
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24 Jan 21 - 06:42 PM (#4089763) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Pete from seven stars link Boris Johnson phoned the new man at the White House yesterday : he was just Biden his time ..... |
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24 Jan 21 - 07:24 PM (#4089768) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Has anyone got any actual jokes? (Apart from you - sorry, Doug!) |
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25 Jan 21 - 06:28 AM (#4089810) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick A man is chatting over the garden fence with his neighbour and asks him about his recent holiday. "It was fantastic. Really good hotel, right on the beach; sangria; sunshine; what more could you want? And it wasn't too expensive". "That sounds good", replies the man, "how much was it?" The neighbour, who's getting on in years, puts his hand to his forhead and says "It was .... erm .... what's that coin?" "A Euro?" "No, English". "A Pound?" "No, less than that". "A penny?" "Yeah, that's it". He opens the back door of his house and shouts inside, "Here, Penny, how much did we pay for that hotel?" DC |
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25 Jan 21 - 06:38 AM (#4089811) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw At last, a joke good enough to tell Mrs Steve! |
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25 Jan 21 - 07:43 AM (#4089815) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'" |
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25 Jan 21 - 07:57 AM (#4089816) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Jon Freeman How does Mr Waterweed greet his missus? Elodea. |
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25 Jan 21 - 04:06 PM (#4089882) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse I'm trying to fathom if Georgiansilver has shed any light on the saying "see Naples and die"? |
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28 Jan 21 - 06:04 AM (#4090315) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick A woman has made herself a meal including baked beans. She is enjoying so much that she has a second helping of beans. That evening, in the pub, the beans start to take effect. The music in the pub is very loud and a song that she recognises, a hard rock pfiece with some very loud passages, is being played. She reckons that if she times it right, she can get away with relieving the pressure without anyone noticing. As they reach the guitar solo, she takes her chance: Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt She looks around to see if she has got away with it, to find that people are staring at her. Just then, her boyfriend comes back from a trip to the toilet and speaks to her. "WHAT?" she says, "I can't here you over the loud music". "I said ' TAKE YOUR EARPHONES OUT! ' ". DC |
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28 Jan 21 - 03:13 PM (#4090383) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel I'd like a red hot spicy Chicken burger and an intense Strawberry shake and a very berry pastry. Do you want fries with that? What kind? Golden brown. WHADDU I look like, a baby eating BLM democrat? No sir, I think somethings eating you. Today Nancy Pelosi was found guilty of reason and was sentenced to breathe. |
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31 Jan 21 - 07:05 AM (#4090801) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw A farmer goes out one morning to find all his cows frozen solid in the field. Just then a woman passes by, and seeing the farmer's predicament she waves her arms over the cattle. Miraculously, after a minute or two all the cows start to walk around perfectly normally. "Wow," he said, "that was amazing! Are you a magician?" "Nah," she said, "I'm Thora Herd..." |
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17 Feb 21 - 02:56 PM (#4093603) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse ...and then... Little birdie flying high Dropped a message out of the sky "Ooh" said the farmer, wiping his eye It's a jolly good thing my cows don't fly. (I was thinking, hopefully, in a few months, comedians will be back on stage making fun of folks hanging musical instruments on the wall & moving pot-plants, or hitting the wrong filter option, just before joining a zoom call, etc.) |
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21 Feb 21 - 12:59 PM (#4094162) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse 2 golfers were in the middle of their round when an electric storm started. When 1 pulled out a 1-iron & held it up high, his partner asked "What on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about!" To which he calmly replied "not even God can hit a 1-iron"; my song on golfing lingo - "Lingolf" |
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21 Feb 21 - 02:27 PM (#4094172) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mrrzy When you think about it, forming meatballs is like stroking animals, just a bit late. |
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21 Feb 21 - 03:49 PM (#4094178) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’ !. My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’ Prince took an airline company to court over missing luggage. He lost his case. I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!! I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’! I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was the chives talking. The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’! I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’ I tried to stop my ex going to the Englebert Humperdinck concert but she said ‘’Please release me, let me go’’. I bought a U2 Sat Nav but it’s useless…. ‘The streets have no name’ and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’ No-one wants to listen to ‘Whitesnake with me ‘’So here I go again on my own’’ |
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21 Feb 21 - 05:10 PM (#4094184) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse I'd had a bit too much sherry around Christmas and, after a bath, forgot the plumber had said he was working on the flat below...hope pulling the plug didn't "wet him all over". |
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22 Feb 21 - 07:09 AM (#4094253) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Poor Senator Ted Cruz has gained the reputation of everyone taking an instant dislike to him. I asked many people why and most of them said "Its a real time saver". |
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23 Feb 21 - 12:04 PM (#4094462) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse No kidology from me, this time, I was watching cyclists tour the UAE on TV and, when they passed a zoo, one commentator mentioned the other would be frightened to go in - in case they kept him in! More seriously, conservation should be done "In Situ". |
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23 Feb 21 - 12:33 PM (#4094467) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Anybody got an actual joke? |
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23 Feb 21 - 12:44 PM (#4094470) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Raggytash I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity, it's fascinating, I can't put it down. |
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23 Feb 21 - 12:50 PM (#4094471) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse Nah - the only thing holding up that book is the hot air of its advocates! |
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23 Feb 21 - 01:49 PM (#4094475) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I've got a copy of the autobiography of Margaret Thatcher. It's one of those books that once you put it down you can't pick it up again... |
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23 Feb 21 - 02:01 PM (#4094477) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick Come on Steve, don't complain about other people's unfunny jokes if that's the best you can do. DC |
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23 Feb 21 - 03:01 PM (#4094483) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel According to Memory Bank Inc.(since 2007) most folks are overdrawn. Remember last year when the jokes were mostly about defication, religion, sex and death? Jokes are no laughing matter! Even Georgian Silver repeated his jokebook joke word for word from last year. Perhaps this year Steve will produce a joke vaccine so we won't die laughing. |
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23 Feb 21 - 03:01 PM (#4094484) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Are you a Tory, Doug? :-) |
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23 Feb 21 - 04:45 PM (#4094494) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Steve has 506 mudcat posts in February so far' I have 56. No joke but it is kinda funny wierd. |
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23 Feb 21 - 04:58 PM (#4094497) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse Nowt wrong with that but I was thinking, re Thatcher's book, that Steve probably doesn't have an open fire in the house..? |
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23 Feb 21 - 05:06 PM (#4094499) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I do have an open fire as it happens, WAV! You're only supposed to burn smokeless fuel or kiln-dried logs, not RUBBISH! ;-) You didn't post anything for two weeks so don't come it, Donuel. I was convinced you'd been banned. |
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23 Feb 21 - 07:05 PM (#4094523) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel I was suffering and recovering from a hot chili accident. I shoulda known I was in trouble when they demanded I sign a waiver before I tried the Atomic Chili Challenge. Meanwhile in the news: Half a million die in US, details at 11. As for white supremacists and Nazis, they're not so wicked. They just want to mess with us a little, have a few laughs, you know shake us up. They won't be too hard on Democracy, just drown our cage a bit, rattle our chains, bust our balls, you know have a few kicks. Burn and Shoot is a B&S they understand giving lynching a comeback, destroying somthing symbolic and forming a new Confederate nation. Small shit like that. Q may not have been right about all Democrats being pedophiles but they seem to have been spot on about Woody Allen. What Confederates want is slavery and reparations to pay owners back for all the $ they lost when slaves were virtually freed. In todays money a slave cost as much as a base Mercedes. (NO Economic freedom and lots of black voter obstruction still abound) The new Republicans can still be the S Law ghter and Oder party and remain the deficit spender masters of the Universe whether Trump is alive or dead or both. No one has done more to women, Democracy and the culture of the easy lie than Rush Limbaugh. The real right wing heroic legacy will belong to Rush and his 40 year career in preparation for the former fake reality TV star and Fuhrer of the 20% who will believe anything all the time. ...so thats some satire off the cuff, how bout a new joke Steve? |
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23 Feb 21 - 07:35 PM (#4094525) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw And how about you desist from posting shite in a joke thread? |
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24 Feb 21 - 12:29 AM (#4094556) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: michaelr A little girl is on her knees in her back yard, digging a large hole. The neighbour leans over the fence and says, "What are you doing , Nancy?" Nancy replies, "I'm burying my goldfish." The neighbour says, "Gosh, I'm sorry. But why such a large hole for a little goldfish?" Nancy replies, "Because it's inside your fucking cat!" |
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24 Feb 21 - 03:57 AM (#4094568) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Ha ha! That's definitely the joke of the year so far! |
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24 Feb 21 - 06:53 AM (#4094575) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick A fading celebrity had decided to move into an upmarket retirement home. Unfortunately, his idea of his celebrity status somewhat outstripped the memory of general public and he was surprised to find that there was no welcoming committee to greet him when he arrived. Just then, one of the residents walked by. "You there!" he said, haughtily, "Why is there nobody to meet me?" "Why? Should there be?" asked the resident. "Do you know who I am? he demanded. "Can't help there, old chap" came the reply "but if you ask Matron, she'll tell you who you are." DC |
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24 Feb 21 - 08:22 AM (#4094581) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Raggytash I have an irrational fear of German sausages ......... I always fear the wurst. |
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24 Feb 21 - 09:08 AM (#4094589) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw A German bloke had a case full of sausages and several bottles of 100-proof spirit, which he was trying to smuggle out of the country on a flight. Unfortunately, his case caught fire and the plane had to be evacuated. It was a wurst-case scenario. |
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24 Feb 21 - 09:21 AM (#4094590) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Bloke went to the doc because he was worried that he was going even more deaf than before in one ear. The doc shone a light down his ear and said, "What's this? You appear to have a suppository stuck in your ear!” "Bugger," said the bloke. "That explains where my hearing aid went..." |
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24 Feb 21 - 12:05 PM (#4094609) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse And you're not one to mince your words, either, Raggytash; nor does Steve mind waxing lyrical! (Bad puns happily added to bad jokes here.) |
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24 Feb 21 - 12:36 PM (#4094616) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw We will excuse the occasional groan-inducing allusion, WAV - for now! |
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24 Feb 21 - 02:58 PM (#4094638) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Cool Beans Whew! I made it just in time. I had to take two flights to get here. Next time I'll take the elevator. |
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24 Feb 21 - 03:19 PM (#4094644) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse There is nothing like a good joke, CoolBeans and, to quote that friend of Mary Poppins who, rather, reached the heights through laughter, "that was nothing like a good joke". |
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24 Feb 21 - 08:32 PM (#4094713) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Two friends in the pub were sitting watching a dog licking its bollocks in front of the fire. First friend: "I wish I could do that!" Second friend: "Ask it nicely and it might let you!" |
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25 Feb 21 - 06:13 PM (#4094871) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Joe_F So also: A boy and a girl are sitting on a fence, watching a bull and a cow. He (wistfully): "Gee, I wish I was a-doin' that". She (shrugs): "It's your cow". |
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25 Feb 21 - 06:40 PM (#4094874) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse ...but 60 minutes later, while she was on the hoof, he was still sitting on the fence about it. |
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28 Feb 21 - 07:39 AM (#4095280) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended. The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’…………. It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about. The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’. Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey. Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral. At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!! Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP. The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa. One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key. |
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28 Feb 21 - 10:32 AM (#4095306) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw "Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP." Bwahahahaha! |
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28 Feb 21 - 10:48 AM (#4095309) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse Me thinks Georgiansilver may be a ghost of The Two Ronnies...is it "four candles" or "fork handles"..? |
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01 Mar 21 - 07:31 AM (#4095484) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Senoufou What do you call a fear of giants? Feefiphobia. |
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02 Mar 21 - 07:10 AM (#4095656) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Roger Penrose and Bill Gates plan to pass on the sum of their knowledge and interactive intelligence onto a super computer. Joe Biden plans a book and Boris Johnson will have a phone app version for posterity.Trump said he will never die. “I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral. In this time of pandemic no one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drove by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” on his CD player The family was offended, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus. |
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02 Mar 21 - 10:04 AM (#4095677) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Knock knock Who's there? Dejav Dejav who? Knock knock |
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03 Mar 21 - 01:18 PM (#4095876) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I went for a ride on the Big Dipper at the pleasure beach. I was either laughing or crying all the way round. It was an emotional roller-coaster... I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again... |
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03 Mar 21 - 02:07 PM (#4095882) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver Steve Shaw.... Ha Ha.to the dejav who. |
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05 Mar 21 - 05:49 AM (#4096119) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I used to work for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged... |
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05 Mar 21 - 06:48 AM (#4096129) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel For years the Idaho potato farmers quietly dug transgender potatos for Americans to eat but 5th Ave has essentially outed the transgender potato and is radicalizing the Idaho Potato farmer. Potato Futures are in disarray. Brexit has depressed potato exports and Ireland and China are the clear winners in this transgender Potato war of our own making. There is a call to arms, legs and lips among Potatohead Patriots. |
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05 Mar 21 - 09:08 AM (#4096150) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Sheesh. |
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07 Mar 21 - 04:10 AM (#4096430) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mr Red Here's a joke** from a radio panel game. Lucie Porter, for those wot know. I went to the Deja Vu cafe yesterday and the guy said "haven't you been here before?". ** make that an allusion for the self-appointed SS obersturmbannführer of wittisisms. Betya he doesn't recognise himself (the first time). |
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07 Mar 21 - 04:22 AM (#4096432) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw You're a disgrace. |
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07 Mar 21 - 05:53 AM (#4096443) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw From wiki. Obersturmbannführer...was a paramilitary German Nazi Party (NSDAP) rank used by both the SA and the SS. It was created in May 1933 to fill the need for an additional rank above Sturmbannführer as the SA expanded... ...Adolf Eichmann was promoted to Obersturmbannführer in 1940... How lovely to be called a Nazi in a joke thread. Thanks for that. |
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07 Mar 21 - 05:53 PM (#4096551) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: WalkaboutsVerse Re 05 Mar 21 - 05:49 AM post, A few day's later, one of Steve's ex-workmates was asked why he cancelled a booking at a restaurant near the company premises - "because the saur us." |
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07 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM (#4096555) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Gettin' there, WAV, gettin' there! :-) |
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08 Mar 21 - 05:51 AM (#4096607) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Two boys were sitting in church waiting for confession. One goes into the confessional: 'Father, it has been four months since my last confession...I was with a girl last week...and well, we started kissing and stuff and, well, we went a bit too far..." "And what was this girl's name, my son?" "I didn't even ask her, Father!" "Well I've heard about some of the loose girls round here...Was it Mary?" "I don't know, Father..." Was it Alice?" "Doesn't ring a bell, Father..." "Donna?" "Don't think so, Father..." Anyway, the lad was sentenced to three Hail Marys and went back to his mate waiting in the pew. His mate asked, "Good confession, was it?" "Yeah, brilliant - and I got three names..." |
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08 Mar 21 - 06:13 AM (#4096610) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler Going back to "See Naples and die", I was told that Die was an island in the bay of Naples. Anyone know if this is true? Robin |
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08 Mar 21 - 06:34 AM (#4096611) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I haven't heard that. The phrase is familiar in Italian, and there's no doubt that, in the Italian rendition, "die" means "snuff it!" "See Naples and get robbed if you're not careful" would be better advice! It is an amazing place, full of both good and bad. You can get damn good pizza there, the archaeological museum is stunning and you can see San Gennaro's bones sticking out of a big urn in the duomo. He's the patron saint of Napoli, but unfortunately he lost his head in the Solfatara volcano (which you can just walk right into) at Pozzuoli, the childhood home town of Sophia Loren. I wouldn't say make the area the last place you see before you die, but go before you die. It's fantastic, and you've got The Amalfi Coast just round the corner. Pompei, Herculaneum, Sorrento, Vesuvius...YES! |
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08 Mar 21 - 07:04 AM (#4096612) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick A young man goes into the confessional. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been two months since my last confession. Last week I went to a dance" "Oh, did you now" says the priest "...and I met a girl there" "Oh, DID you now" says the priest "...and I took her outside" "OH, DID YOU NOW" "...and we were making love, standing up in the bus shelter" "That's a TERRIBLE thing to do to a young girl" continues the priest "....when a bus arrived and, in the headlights, all the people on the bus could see who she was" "And what was the name of this poor, innocent child that you so wantonly brought disgrace upon?" demanded the priest. "It was the vicar's daughter, Father" "Ah well," sighed the priest, "boys will be boys". DC |
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08 Mar 21 - 08:51 AM (#4096625) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Senoufou What did Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. |
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08 Mar 21 - 10:07 AM (#4096636) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Worst of thymes? Was his basil faulty too? I'll get me coat... |
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08 Mar 21 - 11:00 AM (#4096646) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Senoufou Pwaaaaghaaaagh Steve!!!!! Very good!! And I expect when somebody knocked at his door he called, "Cumin!" (I'll get me coat too) |
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08 Mar 21 - 11:04 AM (#4096647) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Jon Freeman At least the knock wasn't the Bay Leaf, Sen |
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08 Mar 21 - 11:39 AM (#4096653) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Senoufou Hee hee Jon! No, it was Rosemary actually. |
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08 Mar 21 - 12:04 PM (#4096660) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Jon Freeman In that case, I'll tread gingerly from now on... |
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08 Mar 21 - 12:19 PM (#4096662) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Tonight on the telly I'll be watching Corrie and der Meghan interview.... |
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08 Mar 21 - 02:27 PM (#4096688) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver A few 'mint' comments lately. |
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08 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM (#4096694) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Very sage, very sage... |
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08 Mar 21 - 03:37 PM (#4096702) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Jos So many herbs and spices. I think I should go into the garden this summer and piccalilli. |
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08 Mar 21 - 07:09 PM (#4096730) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Me too, but it's far too chilli at the moment. I think I'll just nip out and put the car away... |
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15 Mar 21 - 10:37 AM (#4097757) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mrrzy Wait for it |
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16 Mar 21 - 05:55 PM (#4097979) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Joe_F Sparsely sage, those wary in time! |
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18 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM (#4098238) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver I went to a meeting of the 'Premature Ejaculators Support Group' today but arrived too soon. |
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19 Mar 21 - 09:09 PM (#4098433) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Whats more exciting than making love with a very old man for a very long time? Making love to an 18 year old for 30 seconds. |
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20 Mar 21 - 08:04 AM (#4098490) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw A few years ago I was sat in a waiting room full of people at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-Ray on my shoulder. Just then, a doctor, who was also a long-time drinking buddy, passed through and called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh, hi, Steve, I didn't know that the impotence clinic was on today!" B*@st@rd... |
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20 Mar 21 - 09:35 AM (#4098503) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mrrzy I was at a winery for a sunset concert and saw someone carrying a banjo, and quipped Oh, I didn't realize there would be a bonfire! He laughed. |
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20 Mar 21 - 01:41 PM (#4098547) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I desperately wanted to be rid of my banjo, so I left it overnight in full view on my car seat and left the doors unlocked and all the windows down. When I came down next morning my car seat had two banjos on it... |
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21 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM (#4098687) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Reinhard If you'd left the doors unlocked I'd rather think that the next morning the car is gone but they left the banjo behind... |
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21 Mar 21 - 07:54 PM (#4098691) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw It was a trabbie with two wheels missing. |
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22 Mar 21 - 03:17 AM (#4098714) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: MudGuard a trabbie? But you wrote "car" ... ;-) |
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22 Mar 21 - 06:04 AM (#4098722) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw It were a car to us! |
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22 Mar 21 - 06:07 AM (#4098723) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw A tiny belly-laugh from Ian Skelly on Radio 3 this morning, as he was eulogising about the signs of spring, "...The blackthorn's out...the daffodils are out, the bulbs are pushing through, Monty Don's back on the box..." |
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22 Mar 21 - 07:38 AM (#4098732) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: G-Force The French like puns just as much as we anglophones do. I once passed a poodle parlour called 'Beauti-chien'. And a sandwich bar called '100wichs'. |
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23 Mar 21 - 05:20 AM (#4098832) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Scotsman goes into a bakery. He points to a confection in the window and asks, "Is that a cake or a meringue?" Sez the baker, "No, you're right, it's a cake..." |
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23 Mar 21 - 09:20 AM (#4098866) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver Saw a man standing on one leg at the cash machine. I think he was checking his balance. |
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23 Mar 21 - 03:25 PM (#4098935) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Surgeons are surprised men are requesting elective transplants on their wrist. |
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23 Mar 21 - 03:34 PM (#4098942) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/04/11/lab-grown-vaginas-successfully-implanted-in-girls-in-tissue-engineering-first/ |
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23 Mar 21 - 05:05 PM (#4098956) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw It's supposed to be a joke thread. |
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23 Mar 21 - 06:47 PM (#4098974) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Raggytash For crying out Donuel, how many times do you need to be told you "humour" is not humourous. A vicar goes to a dog rescue centre and tells the owner that he would like a new dog and if he can get a rescue dog that would be great and if it had some sort of religious connotation that would be even better But I don't want a St Bernard. The owner says I got just the dog for you, but it's not out here, I've got it in the house. So the vicar follows him into his house where he is shown a very young and very bonny King Charles Spaniel. Well he says thats a very pretty dog, very pretty indeed but what is the religious connotation? Ah say the man watch this. He calls out "Bible!" and the dog runs into his library and comes running back with the bible. That's marvellous say the vicar he can play fetch but it's not that surprising. No, no says the owner. Watch this. "Genesis!" the dog flicks the page open to Genesis. "Leviticus!" say the owner the dog flicks the page to Leviticus. "Kings!" shouts the owner, the dog dutifully opens the correct page. That's astonishing say the Vicar how much do you want for him. One hundred pounds say the owner. I'll take him says the vicar. So the vicar arrives home back to the presbytery and calls to his wife "I've got us a beauty little dog and it really is quite special" His wife comes down and is smitten by the little King Charles Spaniel but asks her husband I know it's a bonny little dog but whats the religious connotation. Watch this he says. "Bible!" the dog runs into his study and returns with the Bible. Clever says his wife it can plat fetch but that's not so unusual. No, no says the vicar watch this. "Psalms!" the dog flicks the pages to Psalms "Exodus!" the god flicks the pages to the correct one. That's amazing says his wife, amazing. Can it do any normal doggy tricks. Don' know say the vicar I'll try it now "heel!" he shouts, he dog jumps up and put both it's paws on his head !! |
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24 Mar 21 - 07:30 AM (#4099029) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Raggytash And shouts "Ommmmmmm" |
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24 Mar 21 - 11:51 AM (#4099056) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mrrzy Solution to a puzzle, attributed to Jack Parr: Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. I agree! |
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24 Mar 21 - 12:16 PM (#4099059) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I think we desperately need a British joke thread and a separate American "joke" thread. |
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07 Apr 21 - 11:58 AM (#4101184) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw "Mummy! Mummy! When I grow up I want to be a politician!" "Don't be silly, dear, you can't do both..." |
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07 Apr 21 - 02:27 PM (#4101203) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Humor segregation is for bigots, be honest, wouldn't you prefer to punish or torture Americans? Or you could do both. |
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07 Apr 21 - 05:16 PM (#4101241) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Have you got a joke for this joke thread? |
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07 Apr 21 - 05:45 PM (#4101248) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw "Mummy! Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down!" "Well...how kind of Daddy! You should learn from him!" "But Mummy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap! " |
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08 Apr 21 - 06:53 AM (#4101343) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick A golfer is about to take a shot when another golfer calls across from a neighbouring green: "That's the ladies' tee that you're on!" He smiles politely and addresses the ball for a second time. "I say," comes the voice again "you need to move back. That's the ladies' tee!" He shuffle uncomfortably and continues with his stroke. In the middle of his back swing he hears: "It's not done, old chap. Really not done at all!" He stops, looks up and, through gritted teeth, calls back: "Will you PLEASE be quiet and let me get on with my second shot!" DC |
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09 Apr 21 - 07:02 AM (#4101487) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver I was told that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish. |
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09 Apr 21 - 10:24 AM (#4101510) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick A tortoise was mugged by a gang of snails. When the police asked if he could give a description, he said: "No, they were too quick for me!" DC |
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02 Sep 21 - 01:48 PM (#4118611) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mrrzy Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently, I'm still lost. |
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02 Sep 21 - 02:10 PM (#4118616) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended. The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’…………. It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about. The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’. Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey. Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral. At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!! Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP. The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa. One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key. |
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04 Sep 21 - 07:01 AM (#4118797) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mr Red Knock, Knock WHo's there? mayonnaise mayonnaise who? ?? mayonnaise have seen the coming of the Lord ?? ............ Not my joke, or even on from May Anne Hayes - but a Stephen Fry gem |
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04 Sep 21 - 02:56 PM (#4118831) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver There O sat watching a film on TV. I shouted 'Noooo don't do it!! it's a trap' My ex shouted from the kitchen 'What are you watching'? I replied 'Oh it's only our wedding video' |
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04 Sep 21 - 07:39 PM (#4118854) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Bejaysus, Mr Red, Mrs Steve never laughs at my jokes. At best I get an eye-rolling (is it my timing, I ask meself?). But the mayonnaise one extracted a very rare titter from her. Mind you, I did have to sing it rather lustily... Cheers, pal. A keeper is that one! |
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04 Sep 21 - 07:51 PM (#4118855) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Ok then. Knock knock Who's there? M.A.B. It's a big horse. M.A.B. It's a big horse who? M.A.B. It's a big horse I'm a Londoner... |
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07 Sep 21 - 11:38 AM (#4119103) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Senoufou From the Daily Mail (sorry):- How do you invite a dinosaur to come round yours for a light meal? " Tea, Rex?" |
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08 Sep 21 - 06:24 AM (#4119165) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Senoufou I came across this one a few days ago, as Sir Douglas Bader died on September 5th 1982. Sir Douglas was giving a talk about his experiences in the War to an assembly of girls in a very posh private school:- "There were two fuckers to my left, two fuckers to my right and even more fuckers behind me." The headmistress went very pale, stood up and announced to the girls, "A Fokker was a German aircraft, girls." Bader replied, "True Ma'am, but these fuckers were Messerschmitts!" (It's apocryphal of course) |
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10 Sep 21 - 08:05 PM (#4119504) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Tommy Cooper. My wife rang me the other night. She said, I think the car has water in the carburettor. I said, why? Where's the car? She said, in the river... |
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10 Sep 21 - 08:08 PM (#4119505) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Another Tommy Cooper. I went to the ticket booth and said, I want a return ticket, please. He said, where to, sir? I said, here... |
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10 Sep 21 - 08:10 PM (#4119506) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Just one more of his. The phone rang and I picked it up, I said, who's speaking, please? The voice said, you are... |
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11 Sep 21 - 05:38 PM (#4119634) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Joe_F Once there was a man who played the cello every day, but his cello had only one string, and he used it to play the same note again and again. At last his wife made bold to ask, "Dear, have you ever noticed that other cellists have four strings, and they move their fingers around and play a lot of notes?" "Sure," he replied, "They're looking for the place. I've found it." |
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12 Sep 21 - 07:29 PM (#4119762) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: PHJim Roy Rogers is down by the creek fishing when the cavalry rides up. The sergeant of the cavalry says, "Roy, Roy...outlaws have burned down your ranch!" Roy throws down his fishing pole angrily and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy," says the sergeant. "Come back, there's more!" Roy comes back and the sergeant says, "They kidnapped Dale!" Infuriated, Roy turns and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy, come back, there's more," the sergeant says. Roy comes back ...and the sergeant says, "They stole Trigger too!" Now Roy is really about to explode, and he heads toward the ranch. The sergeant says, "Roy, wait!" Roy Rogers comes back and with hatred in his eyes yells, "NOW WHAT!!!" The sergeant says, "How 'bout a song before you go?" |
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12 Sep 21 - 07:30 PM (#4119763) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: PHJim Two Alabama boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck . The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said. |
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12 Sep 21 - 07:31 PM (#4119764) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: PHJim A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?" |
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18 Sep 21 - 07:21 AM (#4120250) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver 89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Ron replied, "That would be my wife. |
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18 Sep 21 - 04:17 PM (#4120285) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw A whole bus load of nuns tragically died in a road crash. They all queued up at the pearly gates. "Welcome, ladies," said St Peter. "Now I have to ask each of you a simple question, then I can let you in. Sister Mary, you're first. Now, sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well..there was this one time when I touched one with my pinky finger..." "Hmm. Well, wash your pinky in that holy water there and you can come in." "Now, Sister Christine. Same question: have you ever touched a penis?" "Well...there was this one time when I held one in this hand for just a minute..." "Hmmm. Well wash that hand in the holy water and you can come in..." Just then there was a kerfuffle in the queue as Sister Helen tried to barge in front of Sister Judy. "Now, now, there's no rush, Sister Helen. What do you think you're doing?" said St Peter. Said Sister Helen, "If I've got to gargle with that holy water I'm bloody well going to do it before Sister Judy dips her arse in it..." |
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20 Sep 21 - 08:50 PM (#4120492) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Rude, crude, lewed and approved. |
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21 Sep 21 - 10:34 AM (#4120521) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Bill D ...so, there was this well-to-do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted. So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question. "Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?" "Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger" "Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!" So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?" "Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!" |
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26 Sep 21 - 07:07 AM (#4120995) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I was just reading a piece in the Guardian about the poet John Cooper Clarke. Someone in the Comments column after the article posted this haiku of his. I nearly busted my corset laughing: TO-CON-VEY ONE'S MOOD IN SEV-EN-TEEN SYLL-ABLE-S IS VE-RY DIF-FIC |
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26 Sep 21 - 07:23 AM (#4120997) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Bonzo3legs Why are the sperm banks running short?? Because all the wankers are at petrol stations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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26 Sep 21 - 10:15 AM (#4121011) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: G-Force Don't know if this is for the Joke thread or the UK politics thread, but apparently the name of the BBC reporter talking about the petrol crisis was Phil McCann. |
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28 Sep 21 - 08:25 AM (#4121170) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Senoufou To make your waterbed more bouncy, fill it with spring water. |
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23 Nov 21 - 05:56 PM (#4127116) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Stole this one from the comments after a Guardian piece on people's obsession with their phones: Woman, phone in hand: "What's the WiFi code?" Vicar: "How can you think of such a thing in the house of God at your own mother's funeral?" Woman: "Is that all lower case?" |
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23 Nov 21 - 07:20 PM (#4127124) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw I resurrected this thread to tell a joke. This thread is for jokes. Please take your non-joke, unfunny, bitter obsessions elsewhere. You have plenty of options. Talk about shifting the blame. I've just read this from a purportedly genuine insurance claim: "I drove my car out of the drive straight into a bus. The bus was five minutes early..." |
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24 Nov 21 - 05:21 AM (#4127137) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mr Red BBC reporter talking about the petrol crisis was Phil McCann. BBC Midlands reporter was Lyndsey Doyle & the ITV reporter (seen as theatre reporter on CNN I think) and a good job she wasn't on Crime Watch - was Nina Nannar You have to say these out loud - sometimes. |
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24 Nov 21 - 05:43 AM (#4127139) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mr Red I once passed a poodle parlour called 'Beauti-chien'. It loses a little in the translation, IME anyway. But I did come across a "Beauti-chien" in Thornbury (nr Bristol) Shampoodles |
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25 Nov 21 - 06:06 AM (#4127211) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. He should have had a second coat! |
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25 Nov 21 - 06:06 AM (#4127212) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. He should have had a second coat! |
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25 Nov 21 - 06:17 AM (#4127214) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: gillymor I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. |
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26 Nov 21 - 03:32 AM (#4127266) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mr Red I once met a guy in NZ (we were buying his traffic lights - as you do) Wayne Kerr I still have his visiting card. |
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26 Nov 21 - 06:25 PM (#4127322) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Joe_F What's the square root of 69? Oh, 8-something. |
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26 Nov 21 - 06:46 PM (#4127325) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw A drunk goes into a Catholic Church and heads straight into the confessional box. After several minutes of silence, the priest, puzzled, having heard nothing from the chap, knocks on the wall to get his attention. Came the reply, "It's no use knocking, mate. There's no paper in this cubicle either..." |
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27 Nov 21 - 09:45 AM (#4127353) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mrrzy Joe, that reminds me of 2 old chestnuts... What is a 68? You do me... I'll owe you one. What is the right speed for eating out? Lickety-split! |
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30 Nov 21 - 09:48 AM (#4127643) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver A youngish couples car had broken down and they were parked by the road with the bonnet (hood) up. A Rolls Royce pulled up and a rather well spoken man stuck his head out of the back window saying 'Is there anything I can do to help'? The guy asked him 'Well, are you a mechanic'? to which the gentleman replied 'No, actually I am a Chiropodist' The guy said 'Well can you give us a tow'? |
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30 Nov 21 - 10:21 AM (#4127646) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: gillymor I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu. A vulture goes through security at the airport dragging a dead, half-eaten squirrel behind it. TSA agent: What ya got there? Vulture: Oh, that's just my carrion. |
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17 Dec 21 - 10:42 AM (#4129210) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mrrzy Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because it soots him to. |
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17 Dec 21 - 02:09 PM (#4129235) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Georgiansilver Health and Safety over Christmas period. Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh or going over the fields and laughing all the way, are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs, including whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.?Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.?While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.?Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.?While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Money Laundering Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.?Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.?Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.?Cheers ?Admin Risk Management Team |
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17 Dec 21 - 07:19 PM (#4129252) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date Bring me some figgy pudding Whats the knife For? Its for some figgy pudding now bring me some right now See here my good man... I'm not leaving until I get some Well here then here's a silver coin, now go buy yourself some Thank you Merry Christmas 2021 is getting edgy for Christs sake |
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17 Dec 21 - 08:18 PM (#4129256) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Reminder: this is a JOKE thread... |
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18 Dec 21 - 08:56 AM (#4129287) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Mrrzy So stop posting nonjoke commentary? A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages. (I love the way the Internet phrases things sometimes.) "We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek. "Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish. "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics." "Granted, but was the Irish who built the first timepieces." Knowing that he is about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens pointed out with a note of finality, "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who established the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "True enough, ..." replied the Son of Erin. "But it was the Irish that got the women involved!" "This joke is historically INACCURATE!", groaned Reddit. |
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18 Dec 21 - 09:59 AM (#4129292) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw "So stop posting nonjoke commentary?" Oh, the irony... I did like the joke though... |
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18 Dec 21 - 10:45 AM (#4129297) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: David C. Carter Bosnia,Sunday morning. A guy is back of the house playing a gut string guitar. He's reheasing for the wedding that he's playing at that afternoon. Suddenly he breaks a string,but hasn't got a spare one.It's Sunday,nothing open.Then he remembers that the market is open and there is a butchers there.He runs down to the butchers,goes in and says to the guy there: "Have you got any cow gut out back there for my guitar?". The butcher goes to the back of the shop,has a look around then comes back out front,ans says to guy; "I ain't got any cow gut,but I've got a couple of cows vaginas if you wanna play the mouth organ". |
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20 Dec 21 - 03:45 PM (#4129504) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Vegans may argue but never have a beef. With Omicron cases on the rise, Dublin has really earned its name. The FBI arrived at school "We had a report of a kidnapping!? Its OK he woke up. |
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20 Dec 21 - 04:50 PM (#4129509) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw You are a troll who deserves to be banned from this forum. |
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20 Dec 21 - 04:56 PM (#4129510) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Some say the Earth gets a haircut when the moon Eclipse. Miami has Seagulls but the Chesapeake Bay has Bagels. |
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21 Dec 21 - 07:03 AM (#4129539) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Knock knock Who's there? Déjàv Déjàv who? Knock knock |
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21 Dec 21 - 07:48 AM (#4129541) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Doug Chadwick It's Christmas Day and the family is sat around the dining table for their festive meal. Dad asks his teenage son if he would lead the family in giving thanks for the food on the table. He bows his head and says "Thank you, Lord, for our Christmas dinner: for the turkey; for the potatoes; for the stuffing and the gravy; and ..." After a few moments hesitation, he looks up at his parents and says "If I say thank you for the Brussels sprouts, He'll know I'm lying". DC |
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21 Dec 21 - 08:53 AM (#4129543) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Steve Shaw Here's a nice, smutty kiddie one: Knock knock Who's there? I done up I done up who? Yuk, you could have waited! |
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21 Dec 21 - 11:27 AM (#4129554) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Warning: Some jokes may be lethal. Boris Johnson has a dog with no nose, How does it smell? Awful. |
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21 Dec 21 - 11:42 AM (#4129555) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Seeing the number I didn't take the call when my little daughter said "listen daddy, everytime a phone rings, a trol gets a sting. Yes thats right honey thank you Clarence. |
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21 Dec 21 - 11:54 AM (#4129558) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel Wake the neighbors and phone the kids, Its time to play CELEBRITY STRAIGHT FACE OFF ! Who can keep the straightest face no matter what they have to say? Back by popular demand our contestants tonight are ; Tucker Carlson - Jim Jordan and Mitch McConnell yaaaay Audience, please activate your remote... |
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21 Dec 21 - 11:58 AM (#4129560) Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021 From: Donuel You know Boebert and Gomert and Steve King and Marge Greene Hitler and Himmler old nazis and Blitzkrieg But do you recall The most famous Nazi of all? Donald the Red-Nosed Nazi Had a very shiny nose And if you ever saw it You would even say it glows All of the other Nazis Used to laugh and call him names They never let poor Donald Join in any Nazi games Then one foggy 'lection night Jesus came to say "Donald, with your nose so bright Won't you sleigh Hillary tonight?" Then how the nazis loved him As they shouted out with glee "Donald the Red-Nosed Nazi You'll go down in history" |