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BS: Joke Thread for 2022

02 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM (#4130783)
Subject: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red

Why does 'king Boris wear
 red   white  &  blue  braces?









to keep his trousers up!


02 Jan 22 - 05:15 PM (#4130784)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Any minute now we'll start with a joke...


02 Jan 22 - 05:17 PM (#4130785)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red

Dan Leno - 1878


02 Jan 22 - 05:19 PM (#4130786)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red

Never knowingly understated. Right on cue, Stevie boyo. I started it just to prove the point. I win.


02 Jan 22 - 06:41 PM (#4130793)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy

Now that's funny, Mr. Red!

What do you call a disease you catch on Instagram?

Influenza!


02 Jan 22 - 06:54 PM (#4130794)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Donuel

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.


02 Jan 22 - 07:18 PM (#4130796)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Well in the seventh post of this thread I'll post an actual joke. It's weak, but at least it's a bloody joke. Ahem.


"As far as I'm concerned, autocorrect can go straight to he’ll."


(I told you it was weak...)


02 Jan 22 - 07:42 PM (#4130798)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: gillymor

lol, Donuel.


03 Jan 22 - 07:55 AM (#4130834)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Georgiansilver

What is the difference between a magicians wand and an officers night stick?    The wand is for cunning stunts.


03 Jan 22 - 08:34 AM (#4130835)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy

...a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance!


03 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM (#4130839)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw

What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

A tractor has hydraulics, whereas a giraffe has high...


03 Jan 22 - 11:22 AM (#4130853)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons

. . . between a New Year's day reveller and a mountain goat?
On mucks about in the fountains.

. . . a costermonger and a dog with no hind legs?
One bawls out his wares.


03 Jan 22 - 11:37 AM (#4130856)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons

We seem to have had many of these before: Spoonerisms


03 Jan 22 - 01:48 PM (#4130872)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

If a snowman loses his temper, is he having a meltdown?


04 Jan 22 - 04:30 AM (#4130924)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

It's not a snowman. It's a snow-woman.

...


...

...

's no balls.



DC


04 Jan 22 - 04:40 AM (#4130925)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog

I think you are mistaken. Absence of balls on snow people is down to cold weather shrinkage.


04 Jan 22 - 10:03 AM (#4130953)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, But that would explain the suitcase."


04 Jan 22 - 10:35 AM (#4130959)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

That's a lovely baby you have there!

Thank you! He's very nice and smiley...

Ooo, is he?

And he always feeds really well...

Ooo, does he?

Yes, and he sleeps through the night, mostly!

Ooo, does he?

Yes, but he doesn't half cry sometimes...

Ooo, does he?

Yes he does. Bawls like a bull....

Ooo, has he?


05 Jan 22 - 10:49 AM (#4131121)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Vin Diesel only eats 2 meals a day:
Breakfast
Breakfurious


05 Jan 22 - 12:21 PM (#4131132)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Ye gods...


05 Jan 22 - 12:44 PM (#4131134)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

lol, Mrrzy.


05 Jan 22 - 01:03 PM (#4131136)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her full-length bedroom mirror stark naked while her husband reclined in bed.

"Oh my God, look at me!" she wailed. Wrinkles everywhere, bags under my eyes, bat's wings, my arse looks like a burst bag of broad beans and my tits are nearly touching the floor! For God's sake cheer me up and say something nice about me!"

"Well," he said, "your eyesight is perfect..."


05 Jan 22 - 08:32 PM (#4131195)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Little girl is on a train ride with her grandad.

She looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, moo-cows!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up, is it? In future, just say 'cows!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later she looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, baa-lambs!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up either, is it! In future, just say 'lambs!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later, grandad looks at the book that the little girl is reading and says, "That looks like a very nice book, my dear. What's it called?"

"Winnie The Shit, grandad..."


06 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM (#4131298)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Dogs have been known to watch TV. Good ol McGruff loves to watch Lawn and Odor but hates bad boy bad boy, watcha gonna do when they come for you...


06 Jan 22 - 04:52 PM (#4131301)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Well aren't you just a laugh a minute...


06 Jan 22 - 05:40 PM (#4131307)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

The teacher is telling her class of six-year-olds the bible story of Adam and Eve.

"Now do you remember from last time who I told you was the very first man?"

After a slight pause, little Jimmy's hand shot up, "Adam, Miss!"

Very good, Jimmy! Now can anyone tell me the name of the very first woman?"

Silence...

"Come along now! I'll give you a clue. Think of the serpent..."

Silence...

"OK, another clue. Someone must remember her name...Think of the apple..."

Little Mary's hand shot up, "Granny Smith, Miss!"


06 Jan 22 - 07:05 PM (#4131317)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Tattie Bogle

There were some crackers in our crackers this year - even some I’d never heard before. But it’s late and I can’t remember, so you’ll have to wait until the morning now.


06 Jan 22 - 07:29 PM (#4131320)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Well there were terrible "jokes" in our crackers too. Some were so bloody awful that I thought they must've been written by Americans...


07 Jan 22 - 04:14 AM (#4131340)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL

Well, if we're into Bible stories, and more or less seasonal ones at that:

Teacher asks her class to draw a picture illustrating some aspect of the Nativity story, and encourages them to use their imaginations rather than just copy the usual Christmas-card stuff. So one little girl draws an aeroplane, with four passengers.

"That's interesting dear, what part of the Christmas story is that?"
"Please Miss, it's the Flight Into Egypt."
"Ah. In that case, I think I can guess who the people are, but you tell me anyway."
"Well, there's Mary and Joseph with the baby Jesus, and up in front, that's Pontius the Pilot."


07 Jan 22 - 08:11 AM (#4131367)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Tattie Bogle

Cracker 1:
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycyle?
Answer: Attire


07 Jan 22 - 08:16 AM (#4131369)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Oy


07 Jan 22 - 08:33 AM (#4131374)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

Good one, Tattie.


07 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM (#4131382)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Americans have not discovered crackers in that sense. Our loss.

What do you call a kid who won't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.


07 Jan 22 - 10:02 AM (#4131385)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A teacher of religious studies asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Little Jimmy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “In the bathroom? What a strange place for Jesus to be! What makes you think that?”

Little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?”


08 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM (#4131518)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Magic works in mysterious ways;
"Magic mirror on the door
Make my penis touch the floor..."

It worked: his legs dropped off...A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in carnal activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"


09 Jan 22 - 11:34 AM (#4131689)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

My wife said, God, these shoes are hurting me...

I said, You've got them on the wrong feet...

She said, But these are the only feet I've got...

(Thanks, Tommy Cooper!)


09 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM (#4131709)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Late for a very important meeting, a visitor asked, What floor are we on?
The information desk clerk replied "linoleum".
Ah... what floor is the CEO on?
"florentine marble"


09 Jan 22 - 02:07 PM (#4131712)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Crime in multi-storey car parks: wrong on so many different levels...


10 Jan 22 - 01:04 PM (#4131823)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Bob Newhart told Bob Saggett "You have to be careful with your blue dirty jokes, its like a pillow fight with death, you have to expect reaper cushions." Saggett said, I'm having an affair with your wife Bob.
"Enjoy her Covid Bob"


10 Jan 22 - 02:29 PM (#4131832)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

would buy monkeys for£10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villOnce upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he agers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.


10 Jan 22 - 02:31 PM (#4131833)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

The Police have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66.. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"


10 Jan 22 - 03:32 PM (#4131840)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

Sorry for the printing mistake on my previous post... here it is again as it should be.                         Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for£10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.


10 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM (#4131841)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Bob Saget


10 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM (#4131844)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

What's the punch line? Dead celebrity?


10 Jan 22 - 05:46 PM (#4131859)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Date: 10 Jan 22 - 01:04 PM


10 Jan 22 - 06:27 PM (#4131862)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

My father said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support.


10 Jan 22 - 07:38 PM (#4131877)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

The sign at the bottom of the escalator said DOGS MUST BE CARRIED.

I couldn't use it: I didn't have a dog...


10 Jan 22 - 08:11 PM (#4131881)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back, doctor..."

The doctor said, "It's just old age, my dear."

The woman said, "What! I demand a second opinion!"

The doctor said, "OK, you're ugly as well..."


10 Jan 22 - 08:35 PM (#4131883)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing… What covid is doing is just plaguerism.


11 Jan 22 - 02:50 PM (#4131975)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

Perhaps a few of these might get a laugh.....Collected over many years....


. Think I must have paid for my meal out today with my ‘Donor’ card… It cost me an arm and a leg.

I applied for a great job at Citroen but they wanted 2CVs.

A man was in court today for damaging books by putting Tippex over all the full stops. He got a long sentence.

Traffic warden who had passed away was being buried. Suddenly his voice came from the coffin. ‘’Let me out, let me out. I’m not dead’’. The vicar leaned down and said ‘’Sorry sir it’s too late, I’ve done the paperwork’’

Last night, the local cinema was robbed of goods to the value of £200. The thieves took 2 bags of popcorn, a combo meal, two bars of chocolate and a large bottle of coke!!

I had a phobia of speed bumps when I was driving which I slowly got over.

One of the joys of talking to yourself is that someone is always listening!

Saw a man standing on one leg at the cash machine. I think he was just checking his balance.

At school I loved geography but I could never find the classroom.

I didn’t like history at school. Just glad it’s a thing of the past.

Was going to join a weight watchers website but decided not to when they told me I had to accept cookies. I think it was a test!!.

Buying a brand new 50 inch television. It is reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could I turn it down.

I write songs about sewing machines. I'm a Singer Songwriter.

Local Chinese druggie just asked me ‘’Have you seen my cocaine’’? I replied,No…. not since he was in ‘The Italian Job’ !!

Just thought you should know, I’m in Hospital for eating what I thought was an onion but it was daffodil bulb. They say I’ll be out in the Spring.

I remember once telling my ex that I would never want to live in a vegetative state, depending on a machine and fluids from a bottle and if it ever happened, she should pull the plug. She unplugged the computer and threw my beer down the sink!!!!

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today. I said ‘’It’s the last thing I need!

I asked my grandfather , after 65 yrs together, why he always called my grandmother ‘Darling’ and ‘Gorgeous’ all the time. He said ‘’I forgot her name a long time ago and am afraid to ask’’!!

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me …Well I am one!!! and they’re not laughing now!!!!

Went to see my dentist again this morning and as usual she looked down in the mouth!.

Asked my ex what she wanted me to do with the left over bubble wrap. She said ‘’Just pop it in the utility room’’… It took me nearly an hour!!

A blonde friend rang the RSPCA today to tell them she had just found six puppies in a suitcase at the side of the road....
"Are they moving?" asked the operator....
"I'm not sure" she replied, "But that would explain the suitcase”....

I used my discount card to clear the ice off my windscreen this morning but it only took 40% off!

Since my doctor told me to go on his diet I have put a lot of weight on. What with my diet and his as well I guess it’s no wonder!

In the swimming baths, I was having a crafty wee in the deep end. The attendant blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!.

It said on the news today that three cliff walkers have fallen to their death. Amazing that it’s three people who have the same name.

I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would work but I stand corrected!!

A weasel walked into a pub. ‘’What can I get you’’? said the landlord . ‘’Pop’’ goes the weasel.

My friend went to a healing session last night. He said it was so bad that even a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out!.

Went to see a gynaecologist friend yesterday....It was his day off so he was decorating his hall... through the letterbox

I was considering becoming vegetarian but was told it would be a big missed steak.

I gave up my job crushing ‘Coke’ cans because it was soda pressing!

My lawn is bird proof.. it’s impeccable.

A bear couldn’t decide whether or not he liked snow… I think he was a bi-polar bear.

I’m taking steps to avoid elevators.

Doctor told me it wasn’t good to keep things bottled up. so I’m just finishing the third bottle of wine.

I only recognise 25 letters in the alphabet and I don’t know ‘Y’.

For pharmacists, alcohol is not a problem… it’s a solution.

Is it true that electricians have to strip to make ends meet?

To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.

Dogs aren’t allowed to operate scanners but apparently catscan.

Mountains aren’t funny. They’re Hill areas.

I’ve always thought that double negatives are always a no-no.

Is the opposite of wrinkly….. Irony?

The problem with Political jokes is they sometimes get elected.

Is being afraid of santa… claustrophobic?

A lorry full of Vicks vapour rub overturned on the M1 today but the road was not congested.

Someone has been adding topsoil to my allotment!!! The plot thickens…

A new tomb has been discovered in Egypt and the mummy was covered in chocolate and nuts. They believe it is the remains of Pharaoh Rocher.

I took several old pocket watches and joined them together to make a unique belt. `~~~~~~~Really it was a waist of time.

Before crowbars were invented, most crows drank at home!!

My ex said ‘’I don’t understand what cloning is’’. I said ‘’That makes two of us’’

My friend once asked me what the secret of my happy marriage was. I said ‘’Chemistry’’……. ‘’I am on vallium and she’s on Prozac.

I was queueing for the bus this morning with a very large/overweight lady in front of me. Her phone began to ring and the young boy behind and to the side of me, pulled me backwards very quickly as he said 'Look out, she's reversing.

Got fired from the calendar factory…. all I did was take day off!!!

There have been several reports over the past few days of a spate of muggings by a 'mechanical man'. It's probably a wind-up.

When I was younger I was wanted for my body…… Now I’m older, the only people who want my body are the finders of my ‘Donor’ card.

A man was in court today for stealing a calendar… He got twelve months!!!

I told my ex she was really like dandruff….. I couldn’t get her out of my hair.

I heard that some monkeys are sharing an Amazon account…. does that mean they’re Prime mates?

I told my ex… Next door always kisses her husband before he goes to work, why don’t you do that’’? She said ‘’Well I don’t really know him’’

When my ex wife told me I should stop behaving like a flamingo….. I
really had to put my foot down!

My ex once asked me to help her with a jigsaw saying it was supposed to be a tiger. I replied ‘’Will you please put the Frosties back in the box’’

On my birthday last year, I opened one of my cards and rice fell everywhere. It was from Uncle Ben.

I stood looking at my orange squash bottle for an hour today….. it said ‘Concentrate’ !!

My ex wife asked me what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. I said ‘’I don’t know and I don’t care!!.

I used to have a phobia about walking under chestnut trees but at last I’ve conkered it!!

I asked the lion what it was doing in my wardrobe.. the reply I got was ‘’It’s Narnia business’’!!

I have a new job in which I get paid to sleep… it’s a dream job.

I started my weight training with two 5lb potato sacks, then worked up to 10lb potato sacks, then 20lb potato sacks, eventually I was using 56lb potato sacks..... then it hit me that my next move could be to put potatoes in them.

I once worked for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged…


When I told my doctor that I thought I was shrinking, he suggested I should be a little patient.

Yesterday I decided to do nothing and today I continued to as I hadn’t finished yesterday. I’m no quitter.

My friend always hid from exercise…. he claimed he was on a ‘’fitness protection programme’’

Awww the days when my dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down the hill. They were goodyears.

My parents always struggled to put food on the table…. they were dwarves.

She said she was looking for a man with personality… I told her how lucky she was as I have several.

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. All agreed that he should have had a second coat!


11 Jan 22 - 04:45 PM (#4131988)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Tour de force there, mate, and every one a joke! Alleluia!


11 Jan 22 - 06:00 PM (#4132005)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

Whew, that was a Marathon. Thanks for all the laughs, Georgiansilver.


11 Jan 22 - 06:22 PM (#4132013)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I was standing at the bar in the pub when a bloke sidled up to me and said, sort of confidentially, "Hey, mate, between you and me we've got five bollocks."

I said, "Why, have you only got the one?"


12 Jan 22 - 06:38 AM (#4132066)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Did you hear about the man with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...


12 Jan 22 - 10:28 AM (#4132094)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

Since you appreciated the marathon of one liners.... here are some more which are all connected with singers/groups.

I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’ !.

My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’

Prince took an airline company to court over missing luggage. He lost his case.

I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!!

I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’!

I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was the chives talking.

The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’!

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’

I tried to stop my ex going to the Englebert Humperdinck concert but she said ‘’Please release me, let me go’’.

I bought a U2 Sat Nav but it’s useless…. ‘The streets have no name’ and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’

No-one wants to listen to ‘Whitesnake with me ‘’So here I go again on my own’’

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. ‘’It’s a little fit bunny’’.

My friend Joe went on the ‘Dolly Parton’ diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.


I just received a confirmation text that I have won £200 or tickets for an Elvis tribute night…….. it said to press ‘’One for the money, two for the show’’

Joined a Carpenters study group last week. Not done anything yet ‘’We’ve only just begun’’.


12 Jan 22 - 10:31 AM (#4132095)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

And a few more.....

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.


12 Jan 22 - 12:48 PM (#4132112)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

lol again.


12 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM (#4132114)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

While all these were posted before its always nice to see old friends.


12 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM (#4132125)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

"I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’"

A variant: Sean Connery told me he'd sold all his books. He told me, "I just don't know what to do with my shelf."


12 Jan 22 - 04:32 PM (#4132132)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

bumper stickers;
I brake for the vaccinated
Save the Ales
Leading cause of death -God
Jesus was jabbed -how bout U?


12 Jan 22 - 04:47 PM (#4132138)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Tshirt: I identify as vaccinated


12 Jan 22 - 05:21 PM (#4132153)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Q-BGL = identifies as dyslexicrazy


12 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM (#4132156)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

It's a joke thread. Just thought I'd mention it. Again.


13 Jan 22 - 03:33 AM (#4132212)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL

Washington Post neologisms:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


13 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM (#4132228)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

Lol


13 Jan 22 - 08:36 AM (#4132232)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

No joke for Steve https://www.forbes.com/sites/ajherrington/2022/01/11/study-finds-cannabis-compounds-prevent-infection-by-covid-19-virus/?sh=7a09


13 Jan 22 - 10:19 AM (#4132245)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I've already read that. Far too much crucial information missing about the "research" in my opinion, and talk about a misleading headline..

A bit of a joke really, so I suppose it belongs here.


13 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM (#4132249)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.


13 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM (#4132289)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard

I melted all my Pink Floyd vinyls, cast them into a rectangular block and stuck that into a hole in the facade - now it is just another brick in the wall.


13 Jan 22 - 04:35 PM (#4132290)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard

Btw, thanks for all the one-liners.
I am quite proud of me - for understanding most of the puns without using a dictionary (I'm not a native English speaker)


13 Jan 22 - 04:59 PM (#4132294)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

German, right?


14 Jan 22 - 02:22 PM (#4132309)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard

yes, Donuel, I am German (or more exact: Bavarian)


14 Jan 22 - 07:56 PM (#4132344)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

— What is the difference between a Turk and a Bavarian?

— The Turkish person can speak better German.


14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM (#4132346)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

This a joke thread. Just a reminder.


15 Jan 22 - 09:44 AM (#4132407)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard

Donuel, you got Saxons and Bavarians mixed up ...


15 Jan 22 - 10:10 AM (#4132412)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

(Bavaria has a very strong dialect that is a sort of middle point between Hochdeutsch and Swiss German?) Dialects do fade over time.

A German and an American are building houses. They place a bet on whose house will be finished first. After four weeks, the American announces triumphantly, ‘Only 14 days and my NY house is finished!’ to which his German friend excitedly replies, ‘Only 14 more forms to fill out and then I can get started, I'm still waiting for the bomb survey’

ps A Bavarian luthier sold me the best cello I ever had.


15 Jan 22 - 11:14 AM (#4132425)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Beethoven's 9th;
"It was the bottom of the 9th and the bassists were loaded."


15 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM (#4132472)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!


15 Jan 22 - 05:30 PM (#4132480)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: HuwG

I told my girlfriend "I am going to make you mine."

She said "Lovely!"

I handed her a pickaxe.


15 Jan 22 - 06:05 PM (#4132485)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?


Iron Man is a superhero, whereas Iron Woman is an instruction.


15 Jan 22 - 10:13 PM (#4132515)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much.


16 Jan 22 - 04:44 AM (#4132534)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

Iron man has an iron will.

DC


16 Jan 22 - 05:34 AM (#4132541)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

"Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much."

You have demonstrated over many years that you have yet to appreciate that humour is multi-layered. In fact, you have yet to learn what a joke is. Thanks for the barb anyway.


16 Jan 22 - 07:16 AM (#4132553)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

My ex wife told me one evening. 'Tonight I am going to make you the happiest man in the world'...... I replied 'Fantastic, but you can do your own packing'!!


16 Jan 22 - 08:07 AM (#4132554)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

A man rushes into the house and shouts to his wife:
"Pack the suitcases! I've come up big-time on the lottery".
"Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" she asks.
"I don't care what what you take", he replies, "just pack your bags and clear off!"


DC


16 Jan 22 - 10:33 AM (#4132563)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Man goes into living room and sez to his missus, "Come on, love, get your coat on..."

"Ooh, good! Are we going somewhere nice?"

"No, I'm off to the pub and I'm turning the heating off..."


16 Jan 22 - 12:50 PM (#4132588)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

When my ex-wife ran off with by best buddy I was totally devastated.....I really missed him!!


18 Jan 22 - 07:30 AM (#4132767)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

I went to my first meeting for people with low self esteem today. Sign at front of building read ‘’Low self esteem group, use the back door’’

I went to the anger management support group today but they were shouting so much I just left!

The asthma support group I went to today was so good it really took my breath away.

I was going to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome support group today but I couldn’t get out of bed.

I was going to the ‘Dizzyness’ support group today but I fell over on the way.

Was going to the exercise addiction support group today but ended up running past it.

Went to the Gambling Addiction support group today and it made me a little better.

Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family.

Went to the Insomnia support group today but missed it all as I fell asleep.

Went to the Irritable bowel syndrome support group today but got fed up with all the bellyaching.

Went to the Kleptomaniacs support group today and came home with a lovely pair of silver candlesticks.

Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.

Would have gone to the Migraine sufferers support group today but came home with a headache last time, so gave it a miss.

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.

Was going to go to the Phobia support group today but was too frightened to go.

Was on my way to the Shopping addiction support group today but didn’t get there as M&S was open.

Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

First visit to the Unemployed support group today.. it was just the job.

The next time travellers support group meeting will be last Thursday at 2pm.

I went to the ‘Hernia sufferers group’ today but I found no support there.

I went to a meeting of the ‘Premature Ejaculators support group today but arrived too soon.

The Autopsy club will meet on Friday for an ‘Open Mike’ night.


18 Jan 22 - 08:51 AM (#4132775)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

And the time travelers' club will meet last Wednesday.


18 Jan 22 - 10:55 AM (#4132781)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

"Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family."

Heheh. That reminds me of the time I was in the waiting room at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-ray on my shoulder. A doctor who was also a drinking buddy of mine sailed through the waiting room, and spotting me sitting there, called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh hi, Steve, I didn't realise that the impotence clinic was running today!" and promptly disappeared through a side door, leaving me with a bunch of other patients staring at me curiously...


18 Jan 22 - 02:15 PM (#4132806)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

Ha Ha Steve!!


19 Jan 22 - 01:00 PM (#4132935)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

3 employees were watching the funeral pyre of their mutual boss.
They each commented on the momment.
"Look at the wonderful light the pyre casts"
"For me its the glorious warmth"
"If you can't smell that you both might have Covid!'


19 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM (#4132940)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Off topic. It's a joke thread.


19 Jan 22 - 02:20 PM (#4132945)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D

A business executive had a cute secretary, and he asked if she could "do some extra work over the weekend". She knew exactly what he meant, but didn't mind, and said she would. Boss says, "great, we'll work aboard my yacht". She says, "oh dear, I get really seasick!" He says "don't worry, I'll take care of it."
So he stops at the drugstore and asks for dramamine and condoms. The druggist says, "If it makes you sick, why
do you do it?"


19 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM (#4132960)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Chap goes to a fancy dress party carrying a naked young woman on his back.

"Good grief! Said the host, "So what have you come as?"

"A tortoise!" replied the chap.

"So, er, what's she doing on your back...?"

"That's Michelle!"


19 Jan 22 - 04:31 PM (#4132965)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

its a floor wax and a dessert topping


19 Jan 22 - 04:43 PM (#4132968)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

mmm good


19 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM (#4132976)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

A man is looking in a catalogue for a costume for a fancy dress party. He finds the perfect one - Adam - and sends off his order. After a few days, he receives a small fig leaf but sends it back with a note:
"Dear sirs,
       Please send me a larger fig leaf. This one
is not big enough to cover my requirements.
Yours sincerely, "

He receives the replacement but, again, returns it saying that it was not large enough to cover his requirements.

The same thing occurred with the large, XL and XXL sizes. Each time he returned it as not being large enough to cover his requirements.

Eventually, the supplier wrote to him offering him a custom made, quadruple extra large size, adding
"This is the largest size we are able to make. If this does not suffice, we suggest that you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump."


DC


20 Jan 22 - 09:08 AM (#4133024)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

"Doctor, I'm having real trouble pronouncing my Fs and THs..."

"Well, you can't say fairer than that, then..."


20 Jan 22 - 11:33 AM (#4133040)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Doctor came into the ward to see a patient recovering from surgery.

"I have good news and bad news," sez the doc.

"So what's the good news, Doc??"

"Well, in the end we only had to remove half of your leg!"

"That's great! But what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."


20 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM (#4133045)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I went to the doctor. He told me I had hypochondria.

I said wearily, "Well I might as well have it. I've got everything else..."


20 Jan 22 - 03:20 PM (#4133072)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

After his operation, Bill was told by the surgeon that he had some bad news and good news for him.....firstly, unfortunately they had made a mistake and removed his good leg. However the good news was that his bad leg was getting better.


20 Jan 22 - 03:30 PM (#4133075)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Doctor is saying to patient, ""Good news and bad - the good news is that I found the pills that will help you, but you'll have to take one a day for the rest of your life."

Chap says, "Oh, at least I'm alive, so I don't mind that!"

But looking at the bottle of pills he notices that there are only two in the bottle, and he looks back up at the doc.

"Ah yes," says the doc, "I haven't got round to the bad news yet..."


20 Jan 22 - 08:24 PM (#4133103)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!"


Hey, Lone Ranger, what time is it?

Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten ten ten...


...And where are you going with that car-load of rubbish?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump...


21 Jan 22 - 06:37 AM (#4133124)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force

A big hole opened up in the road outside our local police station. A spokesman for the police said they were looking into it.

-

And some of our cops were seen rehearsing their annual Christmas pantomime round at the local recycling centre. A spokesman for the police said they were acting on a tip.

-

And then someone broke into our local police station and stole all the toilet seats. A spokesman for the police said they had nothing to go on.

(It's the way I tell'em!)


21 Jan 22 - 07:02 AM (#4133127)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Nigel Parsons

Man wakes up in a hospital bed after a motorcycle accident, and Screams:
"Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

"No sir, we amputated your hands!"

_______________________________________________________


Woman gets a phone call from the local A&E unit:
"Mrs Jones, your husband is here, he had an accident at work and we've had to amputate his finger."

"His whole finger?"

"No, the one next to it!"


21 Jan 22 - 09:39 AM (#4133145)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

The police canine centre was broken into last night and numerous items taken. A police spokesman said they definitely have no leads.


21 Jan 22 - 10:46 AM (#4133152)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I've been a copper for twenty years. Anyone who tries to tell me that the police are corrupt can kiss my Rolex.

A policeman looks down at his stomach. He mutters to it, "You're under a vest..."


21 Jan 22 - 10:51 AM (#4133154)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A woman is in court, accused of killing her husband by hitting him over the head with his guitar.

The judge peered up at her over his specs and said, "First offender?"

She replied, "No, Your Honour. First a Les Paul, THEN a Fender..."


21 Jan 22 - 11:04 AM (#4133156)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Ken Dodd, one of my all-time favourites, once said "I'm not saying thatm I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped me mother..."


21 Jan 22 - 05:59 PM (#4133204)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Then a Fender... A+


22 Jan 22 - 06:00 AM (#4133259)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash

Donuel, I suspect that many, if not most, people on this side of the pond cannot see why your last post is humourous. Could you please explain.


22 Jan 22 - 06:20 AM (#4133260)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I think he was giving the guitar joke an A-star, Raggtytash. Sadly, not a Shaw original, though I wish it was. I sent it to my guitar-playing lad this morning and he nearly fell off his chair. You do have to know what a Les Paul is first, though, and if you have to explain it, either before or after telling the joke, well, er, the moment has passed...


22 Jan 22 - 07:17 AM (#4133269)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Well I did fall off my chair and busted a mirror that could give me seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.


22 Jan 22 - 07:24 AM (#4133271)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

If mods ever read these these threads, for example to take time off from obsessing over our one-and-only Brit thread, may I plead with them to remove the extraneous letter m from my Ken Dodd joke...


22 Jan 22 - 07:46 AM (#4133272)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome

Bloke starts a new job looking after a chipping machine in a potato processing plant. The gaffer tells him that it often jams but he must never put his arm in to free it.

Of course on the first day it jams and he sticks his arm in to free it with subsequent loss of limb. His co-workers pack the arm in a plastic bag and rush him to the hospital. Next day, arm stitched back on, he is in work bright and early. The manager reminds him that he must never put his arm in so when it next jams he tries freeing the blades by stamping on the blockage.

Surprise, surprise. He loses his leg. As before, his work mates pack the leg in ice in a plastic bag and rush him to hospital again. Next morning he astounds everyone by waltzing in as if nothing had happened. The gaffer, getting a bit wiser, tells him to never put a limb in the machine. At the next jam he heeds the advice and tries to headbutt the blockage to force it through. Well, as you can imagine, he is decapitated so his pals put his head on ice in a plastic bag and take him to hospital.

The next day he doesn't turn up so the boss nips round to the hospital to find that the poor chap had suffocated...


22 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM (#4133338)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Justa Picker

Two dim wits are sitting in lawn chairs in one of their back yards, knocking back beer after beer on a warm summer night ... just staring at the stars in the sky.

After a while, one turns to the other and says wistfully:

"So what do yah figure is farther ... Florida, or the Moon?"

The other one laughs & says to his friend:

"You know ... you're a f--king idiot. Can you SEE Florida?"


23 Jan 22 - 11:31 AM (#4133450)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

I'm singin' in Ukrain, just singin' in Ukraine
What a glorious feeling It's Crimea again.
I'm laughing at smoke, so dark afar
The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for war

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place
Come on with the tanks, I've got troops on my flanks.
I'll walk down the trench with a gun in my clench
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine

Why am I smilin' and why do I cling?
Why does February seem sunny as Spring?
Why do I get up each morning to start shooting
And get up with mud in my gun?
Why is each new attack, so fun to do?
cause I am living a life of Russain troops

I'm clingin' to Ukraine, just clingin' to Ukraine
What a glorious feeling we're Russain again.
I'm laughing at smoke so dark above
The sun's in the sky and I'm ready to die.

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place.
Come on with the ice, I've a smile on my face
I'll walk down the lane with a happy refrain
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine


23 Jan 22 - 12:03 PM (#4133459)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

And the punch line is what?


23 Jan 22 - 12:31 PM (#4133462)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

You, apparently.

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I think I have a split personality, said Steve, being frank.


23 Jan 22 - 12:57 PM (#4133468)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Oi, mate, just count the number of real jokes that I've posted in this thread!! Let's all stick to jokes from now on, shall we? Tell your pal!

Chap goes to the doctor who tells him he has good news and bad news.

"Which would you like to hear first?"

"The good news, Doc!"

"Well, this is the last annual prostate examination you'll be needing..."


23 Jan 22 - 02:32 PM (#4133475)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I agree.

Mrrzy, what was the joke that you added? I seem to have missed it.



I think I have a split personality .....

That makes four of us.

DC


23 Jan 22 - 02:35 PM (#4133477)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

Sorry Mrrzy. I've just seen the Steve/Frank connection. I am a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.

DC


23 Jan 22 - 03:44 PM (#4133485)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I agree with you, Doug. Me too.


23 Jan 22 - 07:53 PM (#4133514)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Old McDonald was dyslexic
OIOIE


23 Jan 22 - 09:31 PM (#4133539)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Snicker at you two!

Apparently Paris rarely floods.

That's because the water is normally l'eau.


23 Jan 22 - 10:19 PM (#4133545)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

Would it still be permissible to repeat the old one about the L-n-t-c who drowned himself while in Paris? Punchline, "he was in Seine"/"insane". Scared to write the "L Word" in full, or tell this weak pun in public, lest someone seize the opportunity to take offence at the essential word.

Much prefer the one about the Frenchman seeing the tide rising and saying, "Merci", though the play on sounds might only be instantly understood in Scotland.


23 Jan 22 - 11:40 PM (#4133551)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Why do the French have a single egg at a time?

Because one egg is an œuf.


24 Jan 22 - 03:06 AM (#4133556)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL

There was once a mother cat with four kittens who, for reasons which need not concern us, were named Un, Deux, Trois and Quatre. Their story ends tragically.
One cold winter's day their local pond froze over, and they went out to play on the ice. However the ice was too thin, and it broke, and Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre - cinq!


24 Jan 22 - 04:24 AM (#4133560)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Your jokes are in Seine, Mrzzy.


24 Jan 22 - 05:45 AM (#4133565)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

L-n-t-c ??       the "L Word" ???

Give me a clue, please!




What do you call a Frenchmen wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.


DC


24 Jan 22 - 06:39 AM (#4133569)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome

One egg is un œuf surely?


24 Jan 22 - 07:25 AM (#4133572)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

He was a good egg until he cracked.


24 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM (#4133576)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

Humpty Dumpty and Chicken Licken have just made love and are lying back, enjoying a post-coital cigarette. Humpty says:

"At least we know the answer to the question."


DC


24 Jan 22 - 10:18 AM (#4133595)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Excuse me, this is a joke thread, not a yolk thread. :-)


24 Jan 22 - 11:50 AM (#4133617)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou

My mate Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It certainly made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean Joe lean...


24 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM (#4133620)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Oh I am reminded of this old chestnut:

Remember Divine Brown, with whom Hugh Grant was caught canoodling? Apparently back when that story broke, Bill Gates was smitten with her, and got Hugh to set them up for an evening.

Afterwards, Bill says dreamily, I can see where you got the name Divine.

And I, said Divine, see where *you* got the name...

...Microsoft.


24 Jan 22 - 02:10 PM (#4133654)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

I was in a bar yesterday and saw three rather obese ladies talking. I heard an accent and thought they must be Scottish, so I said ‘’ Are you three lassies from Scotland?. They chorused back rather nastily, ‘’WALES’’. I said ‘’ OK, are you three Whales from Scotland’’? That was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in hospital!


24 Jan 22 - 02:19 PM (#4133656)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome

I told the doctor I couldn't get the song "Green green grass of home" out of my head

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome and when I asked if that was common he said "It's not unusual"


25 Jan 22 - 02:08 PM (#4133797)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

An elephant and a snake met in the jungle. They struck up a conversation about being bored with little to do but look for food. The elephant suggested they play a game of snooker but awarding points for tricks they could perform, to which snake agreed. Elephant immediately stood up high on his hind legs and snake awarded him a red and blue (total six points). The snake then stood on his tail end and was awarded a red and brown (total five points) as it was not so difficult. The game progressed until the elephant was seven points in front. The snake said that it had been a great game but he had to go and could he have one last chance of winning by sliding up elephants trunk and out of his rear end for a red and black (eight points). A twinkle came into elephants eye as he agreed to the challenge. Snake slid quickly up elephants trunk. Elephant reached round with his trunk and inserted it into his rear end, then triumphantly shouted 'Shnookerred you shnake.!!


25 Jan 22 - 03:40 PM (#4133816)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red

One egg is un œuf surely?

A good egg's ample?


I heard a true pun tonight on R4 (or 4extra)- Sally Philips' friend is a Yarn Bomber and goes by the pseudonym of.............

Deadly Knit Shade


26 Jan 22 - 11:57 AM (#4133918)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A bloke rang his mate to tell him that he had two bits of bad news.

"Don't mess about," said his mate, "Just blurt them both out at once!"

"OK, I'll tell you then...Your wife is cheating on both of us..."


26 Jan 22 - 12:06 PM (#4133919)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Bob and Mick had both been keen footballers. But, sadly, Bob was on his deathbed.

"Sez Mick, "Promise me that when you get to heaven you'll send me down a message to tell me whether they play football in heaven," to which Bob agreed.

So Bob died and went to heaven. A few days later, a ghostly voice appeared to Mick in his dreams. It was Bob...

"Mick, great news! They DO play football in heaven!"

"...But the bad news is, you're in goal on Friday..."


26 Jan 22 - 04:23 PM (#4133943)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Speaking of football, I have been watching the African Cup of Nations (sorry, Côte d!Ivoire!) and in this game with Mali there are 2 refs, one much taller. Equatorial Guniea was, unsuccessfully, calling for a foul, and the guilty-looking opponent was fiddling around behind the line...

Don't waste time in the back, Mali,
The big ref said to play on!


26 Jan 22 - 05:07 PM (#4133946)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Liverpool have three of their star players (Mo Salah Egypt, Naby Keïta Guinea, Sadio Mané Senegal) in that competition. We are literally pooping our pantalons in case they come back injured. At the same time, it's a wonderful competition. I can only take in so much football and at the moment the season is so thrilling that I'm watching three or four domestic or European games per week. If I watched the African competition as well, Mudcat be bereft of my contributions. And that would be no joke... ;-)


26 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM (#4133948)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

WOULD be bereft!


26 Jan 22 - 05:57 PM (#4133953)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

Have I missed something or were the two posts above (at 4:23pm and 5:07pm) focussed purely on (yawn!) football?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM

This a joke thread. Just a reminder.


Still, followimng the principle of "At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!"

It was the birds versus insects football match. Within 5 minutes the birds scored their first goal. Another quarter of an hour saw two more goals and by half time, the insects were down 5 - nil. The second half saw the birds add yet another two goals. With 15 minutes to go, the insects made a substitution. A beetle came off and the centipede came on. Within a minute he had scored. Then another and another. Like a tornado, he moved across the pitch scoring goal after goal. By the final whistle, the insects had won 10 - 7.

After the match, the two coaches were talking. The birds coach said what fantastic player the centipede was and asked his opposite number why he hadn't been brought on earlier.

"Oh, he's a fantastic player, alright," said the insect coach, "but it takes him that long to get his boots on".

DC


26 Jan 22 - 06:09 PM (#4133954)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Well I've posted so many quality jokes in this thread, Doug (count 'em!), that I feel I might be permitted a slight, benign diversion in order to address Mrrzy's excellent though off-topic point about football. I can only conclude from your curmudgeonly intervention that you must be a Man U fan. Very sad.

And that last joke of yours is so old that I'm guessing that it was first told to Methuselah by Noah...


26 Jan 22 - 06:21 PM (#4133956)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

... you must be a Man U fan.

Not any sort of fan. I don't even know which end the wickets go.

DC


26 Jan 22 - 07:08 PM (#4133961)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Your loss, pal, and that's no joke!


26 Jan 22 - 10:31 PM (#4133981)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Mine *was* a joke.


27 Jan 22 - 04:15 AM (#4133993)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

Oh!


27 Jan 22 - 06:25 AM (#4134003)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

One of Barry Cryer's favourite jokes, in honour of that great funnyman:

"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.

"'I appear to have killed your cockerel,' he says. 'I'd like to replace it.' The woman replies: 'Please yourself - the hens are round the back.'"


27 Jan 22 - 08:32 AM (#4134016)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome

I guess "Don't waste time in the back, Mali, The big ref said to play on!" is a pun but I can't figure it out yet!


27 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM (#4134049)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Big Muddy.

Anyway, why don't grasshoppers watch football?

They prefer cricket.


27 Jan 22 - 01:15 PM (#4134050)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

You wouldn't get Barry Cryer telling that one. :-(


27 Jan 22 - 08:18 PM (#4134102)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with 10 bottles of champagne.”


The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”


27 Jan 22 - 09:19 PM (#4134112)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A horse went into a bar during happy hour and ordered a pint. The horse paid the really cheap happy hour price and started to drink his pint.

Eventually the barman said to the horse, "Hey, mate, you've just enjoyed a nice cheap pint in my nice warm pub, so why the long face?"


28 Jan 22 - 06:02 AM (#4134130)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Why did the turkey cross the road? The chicken tested positive.


28 Jan 22 - 09:37 AM (#4134157)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

I swear he's dense , look at the way the light bends around him!


28 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM (#4134158)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic).


28 Jan 22 - 09:54 AM (#4134159)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic) - excuses, excuses. Wouldn't wash today!

If I said I was discalculic - would that count?

But I can count up to 2...............
I'll get my coat.


28 Jan 22 - 10:43 AM (#4134162)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

A weasel walked into a bar. 'What are you drinking;;? asked the barman. 'Pop' goes the weasel.


28 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM (#4134163)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast
that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three
to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've
got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing
all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've
still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs
are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the
better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem
with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and
take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something
the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.   His jaw dropped the moment
he saw the sign.
'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch for chicks!'


07 Feb 22 - 06:50 AM (#4135676)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

Edge and Bono walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, “Not U2 again!”


14 Feb 22 - 07:20 PM (#4136643)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Right Honourable Lord Justice Shawp listened intently to a 10 year old who claimed his mother beat him, his father beat him and even his only other relative great aunt Liz beat him. Against protocol the judge asked the young man who he preferred to be his Guardian.
He said Manchester United, they don't beat anybody.


14 Feb 22 - 07:32 PM (#4136645)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

So as protect you from Raggytash, I should inform you that Manchester United are currently fifth in the English Premier League, arguably the top domestic league in the world. They topped their group in the group stage of this year's Champions League, arguably the greatest club competition in the word, and are playing in the last 16 this week. Do keep up.


14 Feb 22 - 07:41 PM (#4136648)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Joke thread, Steve.

At the Super Bowl a man notices an empty seat. Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."


14 Feb 22 - 07:56 PM (#4136650)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

That's a good 'un! Reminds me of the Billy Connolly one about the bloke who buried his wife in the front garden, leaving her bum sticking out. His mate asked him why he'd buried her with her bum sticking out. "Well I've got to have somewhere to park my bike!"


15 Feb 22 - 03:45 AM (#4136685)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red

Manchester United, they don't beat anybody. aka Manchester Untidy

A bit like Aston Vanilla - easily licked. (by Birmingham Titty &/or West Bromwich Ambulances)

I could have added Preston Both Ends, Rent A Sunderland & Acrid Tone Stanley, with apologies to US readers for being too parochial


15 Feb 22 - 04:14 AM (#4136686)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Or, as Billy Connolly said about his boyhood local club, he always thought its name was "Partick Nil."


15 Feb 22 - 05:59 AM (#4136695)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Too parochial? Then go political instead! Manchester Citeh? Chelski?


I haven't worked one out for Paris St Germain as yet...


15 Feb 22 - 06:27 AM (#4136698)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

An Asylum seeker arrived at Dover to be met by a Government fairy who offered him three wishes. The asylum seekers first wish is for food and a good meal appears before him. His second wish was for good and large accommodation and a lovely large four bedroomed house with a swimming pool was readily available. For his third wish he asks to be a British citizen and everything vanishes…… ‘’Where has it all gone’’?, he asks the fairy. She replied ‘’You are a British citizen now so you’re entitled to nothing’’!!!!!!!!


15 Feb 22 - 06:44 AM (#4136701)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

The White Nationalist 'Mein Koch' Cookbook has added new recipes to their white bread and mayonaise classic; KKKabbage slaw, Gazpacho Police Soup, Schindler's Bisque, Marjorie Greene's tossed salad,
Lynched Chicken Filet, Broth Keepers Chili and Proud Big Boy's Burger.


15 Feb 22 - 09:55 AM (#4136724)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

A bloke in the pub was bragging about his successful marriage. His mate asked him what his secret was.

He said, "Well, for our 25th anniversary I took her on a surprise luxury trip to the South Sea islands..."

"Wow, that's great! So what will you be doing for your 50th?"

"Well, I'm going back there to pick her up..."


15 Feb 22 - 10:57 AM (#4136735)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

A man sits, at a few minutes past midnight, weeping quietly in his kitchen. His wife comes doown and asks, what is up? He answers, it's our 20th anniversary... She starts to tear up. He says, remember how we met? You were 15, I was 18, at that dance? Her tears spill, but she's smiling. Remember how later, your dad caught us in the back of my car? And threatened me with a 20-year sentence for statutory rape?

I'd have gotten out today...


15 Feb 22 - 12:49 PM (#4136753)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Steve hopes Manchester City beats Rottingham Hoturds this Saturday.


15 Feb 22 - 01:00 PM (#4136757)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

All I want is see beautiful, flowing football played by two skilled teams, men or women. The only way I can think of putting a joke into this post is by inserting the two words "American football..."


15 Feb 22 - 01:24 PM (#4136762)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

I think the NFL is judged/refereed more subjectivly than figure skating. It aint Baseball.


15 Feb 22 - 01:36 PM (#4136766)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Joke thread?

Why don't helicopters fly in the mornings?

Twirly.


16 Feb 22 - 03:04 AM (#4136837)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

From a man who know everything!

(Hint) funny relates to your "sphere of exposure" (aka knowledge). Following the minutia of US politics would explain, but it might shock. Truly shock. You wouldn't believe!


17 Feb 22 - 06:34 AM (#4136956)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

The Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"


17 Feb 22 - 03:24 PM (#4137014)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

A group of 40 yr old men met and were discussing where they should have lunch. They agreed to meet at The Black Horse because the barmaids had big breasts and wore mini skirts. They met again aged 50 and decided on the Black horse again as the waitresses were attractive , the food was good and they had great beer. Aged 60 they met again and decided on the Black Horse again because it had good parking, the music was not too loud and it was good value for money. Aged 70 they met again and decided on the Black Horse because there was good wheelchair access and they had a toilet for the disabled. Aged 80, they met again and decided on the Black Horse for lunch as they had never tried there before.


19 Feb 22 - 04:46 AM (#4137154)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: the lemonade lady

Knock knock
Who's there?
Grand Dad
.
.
.
.
STOP THE FUNERAL!!!!



Barry Cryer


19 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM (#4137207)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

I told Bill Withers that ‘’Aint no Sunshine’’ was not good grammar…… He replied ‘’I know, ,I know, I know, I know, I know.’’


19 Feb 22 - 06:44 PM (#4137238)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

That grandad one has had me quietly belly-laughing all day!

Here's another Barry joke:

An 82-year-old man goes to his doctor. “I want a complete physical examination. I’m about to get married,” says the old man.

“How old are you?” the doctor asks.

“I’m 82 and she’s 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything’s working properly,” says the old man.

The doctor says, “24! Well, I’ll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.”

“Yes, yes, what a good idea,” says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later. “Did you get married?” asks the doctor. “How’s your young bride?”

“She’s pregnant,” says the old man proudly.

“And, erm, how’s the lodger?” says the doctor nervously.

“She’s pregnant too,” says the old man...


22 Feb 22 - 02:57 AM (#4137461)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red

Overheard in a bar in Rome circa AD 45

Galdiator 1  A Martinus, bar tender.
Bar Tender  Did you mean Martini ?
Galdiator 1  If I'd wanted a double I would have asked for one


Gladiator 2  calls for 5 beers and holds up two fingers separated

OK, № 2 is a visual joke, two fingers one hand. From Victoria Coren-Mitchel


22 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM (#4137484)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.


24 Feb 22 - 07:29 PM (#4137732)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

I had a friend, his girlfriend was a midget.

He was nuts over her.


24 Feb 22 - 09:05 PM (#4137736)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Your first one is a cracker, your second one is in serious need of a rethink.

Picasso was burgled, and he did a drawing of the robbers. The police arrested a horse and two sardines.   (Kudos, Barry Cryer!)


25 Feb 22 - 07:29 AM (#4137773)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

A Desperate Ukrainian posted 'Mercedes for Sale @ $10'
No one responded, until an old man needed anything to evacate.
A Lady sold him a Maybach Mercedes with 12,000 Kms, for $10.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
As the old man was leaving, he said, tell me why was this car so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased Russain husband, it's written that the money from the sale of his Mercedes would go to Russain veterans.


25 Feb 22 - 07:39 AM (#4137776)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Jesus wept.


25 Feb 22 - 08:27 AM (#4137783)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Mods please change the title of this thread to The Critic Corner :^~


25 Feb 22 - 08:41 AM (#4137784)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I used to think I was really good in bed, then I discovered that all my girlfriends had asthma.


25 Feb 22 - 08:45 AM (#4137787)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

That was one from the great Ken Dodd. Here's another:

"The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."


25 Feb 22 - 08:46 AM (#4137788)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

How many people from Cornwall does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't care, as long as they do it better than people from Devon.


25 Feb 22 - 08:51 AM (#4137790)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

And another Doddy one:

"We went to see a topless lady ventriloquist last night. Nobody saw her lips move..."


25 Feb 22 - 08:53 AM (#4137791)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Dunno. It's never been tried...


25 Feb 22 - 10:00 AM (#4137798)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

If it wasn't for scatological, religion and alcoholic jokes, Seve' would have no holy shit drunk jokes at all and would only make fun of gender and race.

Prince Andrew was a mite in shining armour.
Now e's just a dick.


25 Feb 22 - 10:09 AM (#4137800)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

What do Newquay plastics and Cornish pasties have in common?
They're both made in Cornwall.


25 Feb 22 - 10:31 AM (#4137804)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Judge Judy: There is a reason God gave you one mouth and two ears, now shut up.
Defendant: Your honor, some people talk out of their ass.


25 Feb 22 - 11:44 AM (#4137816)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and the Ukraine thread for talking about our concerns and fears regarding the terrible situation there instead of making up silly names for a brutal dictator?

Anyway, here's a joke:

I tried to phone up the spiritual leader of Tibet, but the next day I received a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I'd phoned Dial-a-Llama.


27 Feb 22 - 02:50 AM (#4137922)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red

Jesus wept.

so would you with nails in your hands


27 Feb 22 - 05:57 AM (#4137944)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I'm no Bible scholar but I believe the weeping referred to (in the shortest verse of the Gospels, apparently) was on a different occasion. I haven't got a Bible to hand so I can't nail that right now... (see what I did there?)


27 Feb 22 - 06:37 AM (#4137947)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Sadly, Radio 3 has just been playing some of that shite jazz (which is most of it in my intolerant and prejudiced opinion), and it reminded me of this old chestnut:

Q. What's the difference between rock music and jazz?

A. Rock music has three chords and an audience of thousands, whereas jazz has thousands of chords and an audience of three.


27 Feb 22 - 09:43 AM (#4137960)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A banjo player and a piano accordion player are playing a New Year's Eve gig at a local club. When the gig's over, the club owner comes up to them and says, "You guys sound great! I'd love to book you for next New Year's Eve. Are you available?" The two musicians look at each other, then the club owner, and the banjo player says "Sure, we'd love to. Is it okay if we leave our stuff here?"


16 Apr 22 - 01:00 AM (#4139212)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

What are a chocolate bar’s pronouns? Her/she.


16 Apr 22 - 08:17 PM (#4139310)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Hershey chocolate is absolutely no joke, I can assure you. Unfortunately, it's available here.


17 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM (#4139346)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

My ex-wife and I were driving through North Wales when we went through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
We were not so much arguing as having a heated discussion on the pronunciation of the place name, when we saw a ‘Burger King’. We decided to stop and eat and at the same time ask a local how to pronounce the name. Whilst my ex was ordering the food, I asked a blonde member of the staff if she could help by pronouncing the name of the place we were in but syllable by syllable and slowly. She said ‘’Certainly Sir’’ The name of the place we are in is………………………
BBuuuuuurrrrrggggggeeeeerrrrrrr KKKKiiinnnnnggg.


18 Apr 22 - 08:10 AM (#4139420)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and not having an inane editorial preface by the mayor of joketown.


18 Apr 22 - 11:10 AM (#4139435)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Wouldn't it be great if, for a welcome change, you contributed something to this thread that was actually funny?


18 Apr 22 - 11:45 AM (#4139443)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Yes Mayor. Humphrey will get on that with all deliberate speed.


18 Apr 22 - 11:52 AM (#4139445)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

I agree donuel, the self-appointed mayor of joketown needs to be impeached. Let's keep it light and non-judmental.


18 Apr 22 - 12:14 PM (#4139448)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

The Mayor prefers to say the election was overturned. The matter will be ultimately settled in the fullness of time, when the moment is right, upon the recounting of the recounted recounts.


18 Apr 22 - 12:29 PM (#4139450)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

Whoa, "non-judgemental".


18 Apr 22 - 12:46 PM (#4139453)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Well let's just ignore you two silly buggers and consider instead two classic Billy Connolly funnies (read them in his accent for best effect):

Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything - I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was 'How are you getting on?'"

Bonnie Prince Charlie: the only man ever to be named after three sheepdogs...


18 Apr 22 - 12:51 PM (#4139456)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

The former Mayor aka The faster master of hereafter disasters was responsible for African style shake down roadblocks called the burley gates by the locals.
Peter Smalls says it was refreshing to see corruption in the light of day and become so transparant.


20 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM (#4139657)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet symphony orchestra back from a US tour.


20 Apr 22 - 10:17 AM (#4139661)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Putin, during a during a JD Power award ceremony for the troops said: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of my Russia, drop by drop.”


A note is passed up to the podium: “Dear Comrade Putin, why drag things out? Give it all now.


20 Apr 22 - 04:09 PM (#4139673)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

That is in bad taste in what is supposed to be a joke thread. What is the matter with you?


20 Apr 22 - 05:27 PM (#4139679)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

On mudcat
an American said I have the freedom to go to the White House and yell Down with Biden. So what, the Russain said. I can go to the Kremlin and yell that too.


20 Apr 22 - 05:56 PM (#4139683)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Told to me by the magician from the atheist conference:

A magician goes for a blow job. When he's done, his partner says wait, are you really done, there was no ejaculate. Says the magician...

...Check your ear!


20 Apr 22 - 06:20 PM (#4139685)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

?


20 Apr 22 - 07:48 PM (#4139691)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash

Sorry Mzzry you'll have too explain that one to me to.


20 Apr 22 - 08:32 PM (#4139695)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

I got it, Mrzzy. Lol and eeyuhh.


20 Apr 22 - 08:37 PM (#4139696)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Lol? Really??


20 Apr 22 - 09:24 PM (#4139699)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor

This is a joke thread, not a pissing contest. Lighten up, dude.


20 Apr 22 - 09:35 PM (#4139700)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Perhaps England does not have table magicians like the US.
Magicians are master distractors. I have been amazed.
Maybe its a trick like this.
Some jokes aren't meant for everyone.
I'm still pondering Bill's Arab joke about a big nostril.


21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM (#4139733)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Top pop songs in Russia: Crimea River and Ukraine


21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM (#4139734)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Get a grip, yanks, you're simply confirming the stereotype...

A couple from the great Tommy Cooper:

I went to the doctor and told him that I thought I was becoming a kleptomaniac. The doc said, here, take these tablets and if you're no better in a week bring me a colour TV...


I said to the waiter, hey, this chicken you brought me is stone cold. He said, I'm not surprised - it's been dead for two weeks...


21 Apr 22 - 08:40 AM (#4139742)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

The Mayor of Joketown is suspected of Putinesque poisoning of enemy comedians. Invention of jokes has a vastly different definition than repeating and borrowing jokes. Inventors beware.


21 Apr 22 - 08:54 AM (#4139744)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I look around and I can't see any of these alleged "comedians..." If only we could agree that a joke is something to make us giggle, lighten the mood, mitigate this vale of tears in which we live...not something to make us squirm, feel sick or groan with embarrassment, something we end up wishing we hadn't read... Georgiansilver, where art thou!


21 Apr 22 - 09:12 AM (#4139747)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Bill Mauldin cartoons banned in Russia.
Black History banned in Oklahoma and Texas.
Sense of humor banned in UK village.


21 Apr 22 - 09:22 AM (#4139748)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

The new medication to mitigate depression and vale of tears is called Screwitall. It comes in a fast acting inhaler or the longer lasting suppository.


21 Apr 22 - 12:55 PM (#4139763)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.


21 Apr 22 - 03:19 PM (#4139770)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I went on the Big Dipper at the pleasure beach the other day. Half the time I was in floods of. tears, the other half I was laughing my head off. It was an emotional roller-coaster...


I went to buy a train ticket to go to France.
"Eurostar?" said the ticket agent.
"Well, I've been on the telly, but I'm no Dean Martin..."


21 Apr 22 - 03:31 PM (#4139771)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Ernie in the care home went down to the weekly sing-song. He enjoyed himself, but the care workers were very worried because he kept beginning to fall sideways and they kept having to push him back upright. They were so concerned that they called the doctor to his room after the sing-song.

"Are you feeling OK, Ernie?"

"As right as rain, Doctor!"

"Hmm. Do you like it here, Ernie?"

"I love it, Doc. The only thing is, they won't let me fart..."


21 Apr 22 - 03:53 PM (#4139773)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

'Can We Take a Joke' is a film worth watching.

"The duty of a comedian is to find the line and then deliberately cross it".
George Carlin

I expect the right wing to crave censorship but I am surprised that the left wing is now going safe zone for everyone with inane censorship or worse.


21 Apr 22 - 04:16 PM (#4139776)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I'm not saying I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped my mother...


22 Apr 22 - 04:39 AM (#4139824)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link

How do you determine the gender of an ant       Put it in water ; if it sinks = girl , if it float = buoyant


22 Apr 22 - 04:43 AM (#4139825)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link

A theist and an atheist having a debate about origins . After awhile the atheist host says “. I’ll better go and do the coffee , it won’t make itself “       “    Why not “ says the theist !


22 Apr 22 - 05:36 AM (#4139830)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Well at least we know that God has a wicked sense of humour: he created bacon then forbade his chosen people from eating it...


22 Apr 22 - 09:25 AM (#4139867)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A pair of Scottish ones.

Q. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

A. Bing sings but Walt disnae...



I went into a Scottish baker's shop. I pointed to a confection in the window and said to the baker, "That looks tasty. Is it a cake or a meringue?"

"No, you're right, it's a cake..."


22 Apr 22 - 12:03 PM (#4139889)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk

The ant joke has reminded me of an incident in my childhood. The family was on holiday, and we ended up at (in?) Poole harbour. My father and mother kept saying: "Look, there's a buoy in the water," but however hard I looked I couldn't see anybody.

Mind you, I've had my revenge on the next generation. There's a certain shape of nose (and an accompanying joke) that I inherited from my father, and bequeathed to my son. Only recently did our daughter tell us that she took ages to work out why the primary-school teachers burst out laughing whenever she said "noses run in our family".


22 Apr 22 - 08:25 PM (#4139931)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh

"Our Dog hasn't got a nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Dreadful."


23 Apr 22 - 06:56 AM (#4139962)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

In 1986, Peter Davies was on a gap year in Kenya after graduating from Salford University UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, but eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through a Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes’ legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Don’t think it was the same elephant.


24 Apr 22 - 05:31 AM (#4140044)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

This went in the wrong thread, so yertis in the right one! Ahem...

Not quite on-topic, but I can't resist. It was my uncle's funeral yesterday (I wasn't close and I didn't go), at Blackley cemetery near Heaton Park. As the coffin slowly disappeared from view, the song played was Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" ...


04 May 22 - 02:26 PM (#4141087)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Chappel was attacked this morning while performing his comedy.
Chris Rock was there too.


04 May 22 - 09:05 PM (#4141118)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Patrick the rest home gigolo is respondsible for a mass spreader event in more ways than one.


05 May 22 - 06:23 AM (#4141145)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Jon Freeman

Only Chappel's (actually with a double "l") I can think of are former Australian cricketers with Greg probably being the most noted of the brothers. Mind you, Donuel's "jokes" usually have me stumped...?

Anyway, as I can't think of anything better, back to a silly childhood one.

Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spider.


11 May 22 - 05:28 PM (#4141469)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

If Freud were alive today he might say "sometimes a rainbow is just a rainbow".


11 May 22 - 06:56 PM (#4141482)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

And the punchline is...?


11 May 22 - 07:06 PM (#4141484)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and …...........soda."

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”


12 May 22 - 12:35 PM (#4141503)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

A horse walked into a bar and ordered a whisky and soda. 'Why the long face'? asked the barman.


12 May 22 - 04:23 PM (#4141518)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

An ass hole authoritarian walked into a bar and everyone else left.


12 May 22 - 04:45 PM (#4141521)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

If Michael Bolton is making a comeback. why not Bob Dylan?
Because Michael Bolton is making a comeback.


12 May 22 - 06:24 PM (#4141529)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A bloke walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks "What's this about?"

The barman replies "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to try it?"

The chap replies "Nah, the steaks are too high."


12 May 22 - 07:41 PM (#4141531)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

A bloke walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the barman even returns with the bill, the man has necked ten of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the fellow finishes his final shot, the barman asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The chap replies, "You'd be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The barman asks, "Why, what do you have?"

The bloke says, "25p..."


16 May 22 - 11:04 AM (#4141852)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Times have changed. People used to make bathtub gin during prohibition
Now they make internet bathtub baby formula.


16 May 22 - 07:18 PM (#4141898)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Today on MSNBC
Coming up: President Biden on Baby Formula.


16 May 22 - 07:21 PM (#4141901)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Maybe he'll tell us a joke.


16 May 22 - 10:28 PM (#4141912)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

https://www.davideriknelson.com/sbsb/index.php/2017/10/this-is-a-kinda-rapey-application-of-steve-shaws-psychokinetic-touches/


17 May 22 - 10:23 AM (#4141923)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

That is seriously offensive. You have no judgement, have you? Idiot.


17 May 22 - 10:40 AM (#4141926)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

Only if you are that Steve Shaw, no?

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.“
-A Shaw, but not Steve


17 May 22 - 12:03 PM (#4141935)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

The intention was transparently obvious. Disingenuousness doesn't suit you. The allusion to rape in a piece with my name in it is utterly disgraceful. Anyway, here's a hearty Irish joke (from the Irish Post, so don't blame me!)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after Mass.

He says: "So what's bothering you?"

She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"

"He did, Father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."


17 May 22 - 12:26 PM (#4141939)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

There are more Steve Shaws than you can shake a shtick at.
My comic gods know how to find the line and cross it.
You are a Milton Burle joke theif and I am a George.


17 May 22 - 03:50 PM (#4141951)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

The only thing you are is a confounded bloody idiot. Do keep on showing yourself up. It could become quite enjoyable, though I'm sure the narrative will disappear.


17 May 22 - 04:32 PM (#4141953)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

Whatever you say, but I am kind.


17 May 22 - 04:49 PM (#4141956)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

You're nothing. You're just an idiot.


17 May 22 - 05:30 PM (#4141959)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

Why do the French eat snails?


......


......


......


They don't like fast food.

DC


17 May 22 - 06:04 PM (#4141964)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

I wonder exactly how many French people actually do eat snails...or frogs' legs... (not to detract from your excellent joke - at least some of us round here actually know what a joke is...)!


17 May 22 - 07:26 PM (#4141972)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash

Donuel, your "jokes" do not translate to this side of the pond, if indeed they are jokes.

This has often been a problem for American comedians trying the ply their craft in the UK.

Your link earlier, if it had happened in the UK, would be seen to be in very poor taste (at the least) and would not be found to be "funny" in any way, shape or form.

Steve's jokes are often, to many of us here on this side of the water, old and perhaps jaded but they have the distinct advantage of being funny and sometimes they are downright bloody hilarious.

Perchance you could learn some humour (correct spelling) from him.


17 May 22 - 07:29 PM (#4141973)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash

Just an after thought, do your fellow Americans find them funny.

A genunine question, I am curious.


17 May 22 - 08:24 PM (#4141974)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

They may be old and a bit jaded, Raggytash, but they're not as old as some of Jim's were! :-)


17 May 22 - 08:45 PM (#4141977)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. On seeing this round, spiky object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend “Hey Paulo, it’s a mine, it’s a mine!” Paulo replies,” OK, Luigi, you can-a have it!


18 May 22 - 12:21 PM (#4141985)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

A keen gardener had, over the years, built up his hobby into a successful business and was now doing very well for himself; enough, in fact, to provide his daughter with a private education at one of the country’s leading public schools. In spite of this, he had never lost his country ways. When asked for the secret of his success, he would reply loudly “Manure, manure and more manure!”. This caused his prim and proper daughter acute embarrassment.

Knowing that he was likely to be interviewed on television at the upcoming RHS Chelsea Flower Show, she said to her mother, “Oh Mummy, can’t you get him to call it fertilizer?”

“You leave him be, my dear” replied her mother. “It took me nigh on 15 years to get him to call it manure!”

DC


18 May 22 - 01:28 PM (#4141994)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

100 years ago an American joke was spawned from the back rooms of Vaudville. In the day people auditioned for the vaudville stage and you never knew what you were going to get. This is a version of the joke that was told only among comedians in private and has evolved over the years. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk
Olde jokes don't do it for me.


18 May 22 - 02:27 PM (#4142001)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

comedy roasts including the roast of donald trump
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXo31OBIdUw

dead
comedians
being serious
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqPy5SXQ_qw


18 May 22 - 06:42 PM (#4142014)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash

I listened to about 15 seconds of your first post Donuel, not only was it crude it was offensive.

I suspect that if your American brothers and sisters listened to it they would be appalled.

If I was a moderator it would delete the post and censor you for posting it.


18 May 22 - 07:05 PM (#4142017)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

At least the "olde jokes" can give you a groan or a belly laugh in turns. That link was completely disgusting and I don't know what you think you were doing posting it without giving us a health warning first. One thing's for sure: it has nothing to do with jokes. You are wrecking this thread and it's becoming more and more difficult to get past you and restore the spirit of the thread by telling actual jokes, "olde" or not.

On topic, a groaner perhaps (but still a joke):

"Is there anything great about Switzerland?"

"I don't know, but at least the flag is a big plus..."


18 May 22 - 07:16 PM (#4142018)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

The link to the comedy roasts, posted above, opens a video titled "The Best of Gilbert Gottfried". If that is the best, I will skip the rest, thank you very much.

DC


19 May 22 - 08:59 AM (#4142064)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

I wish a speedy recovery to the tender hearted exposed to the joke 'Aristocrats'. The accepted treatment and remedy is to watch Richard Attenborough twice a day for a week and avoid all contact or mention of of sex and bodiy fluids. Get well soon.

The exposure to this joke may cause wincing groans or seizures depending upon how much a distraction is needed after a tradgedy. The vaccinated suffer mild or no symptoms.
Vaccines are available at andrew/epstien.com


19 May 22 - 10:10 AM (#4142071)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

It's not a question of being tender hearted - it's just that I don't want to waste my time on something that simply isn't funny.

DC


19 May 22 - 12:01 PM (#4142084)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick

? ? ?




Back to the joke thread:-

A woman was chatting to her neighbour over the garden fence, discussing their tomato plants. A day or two before, both of them had plants laden with unripe fruit but now his tomatoes were red and ready to pick while hers were still green. She asked him what he done to achieve such a transformation. He said that the night before, he had just got out of the bath and remembered that he needed to put something away in the greenhouse. He went out in just his bathrobe and slippers and as he reached up to put a box on a shelf, his bathrobe fell open, revealing his masculinity. He joked that the tomatoes must have blushed with embarrassment at the sight as overnight they had turned red.

That night, as she was getting ready for bed, she thought that she would give it a try. She went out into the garden and, after checking that no one was around, she opened her dressing wide. The next day she told her neighbour what she had done:

“Did it work?” he asked.

“No!” she replied. “They’re still green but the cucumbers have grown quite a bit.”

DC


19 May 22 - 07:54 PM (#4142117)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stilly River Sage

Gilbert Godfried and Bob Saget are both deceased now, so they won't be making any new videos. They are an acquired taste.


22 May 22 - 12:03 PM (#4142248)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stanron

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."


22 May 22 - 09:29 PM (#4142285)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw

An apple pie, a burger and a cheese sandwich walked into a bar.

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "but we don't serve food here..."


23 May 22 - 08:02 AM (#4142313)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’


23 May 22 - 10:36 AM (#4142331)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy

If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?


23 May 22 - 10:39 AM (#4142333)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel

There was a gambler from Uoton New Hampshire. Who used a nude dancer
to screw the bet handler. When she bent over he quickly reached over
but did not elude his capture