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02 Sep 22 - 04:13 PM (#4151818) Subject: Lyr Add: Mandalay by Billy Bennett From: Monologue John MANDALAY (1) by Billy Bennett (Almost a Gentleman) By an old whitewashed Pagoda Looking Eastwards to the West There's a Burma girl, from Bermondsey Sits in a sparrow's nest. She's as pretty as a picture Though she's lost one eye, they say Through the Black Hole of Calcutta Perhaps the keyhole of Bombay. Look as far as you can see, boy Look a little further, son For that Burma girl is burning Stick a fork in, see if she's done. Oh, there's not a drop of water In that waste of desert land And the soldiers' tongues are hanging out And trailing in the sand. Oh, they're hanging out like carpets And you'll hear the natives say Mr Drage has laid the lino On the road to Mandalay. As the temple bells are ringing Comes a soldier from his hut Will he be in time for service? No, too late, the canteen's shut. There's a pub three miles behind us And we've passed it on the way Come you back, you British soldiers There's a Scotsman wants to pay. See, the desert moon is rising For the golden sun has dropped And the Burma girl is sleeping Sleeping sleeps she never slopped. She is lying on an ant hill Soon the ants come out to play Then she wakes and finds she's bitten On the road to Mandalay. See that stately dromedary As it walks along with pride On its back there's two mosquitoes Cheek to cheek and side by side. On its hump there sits a Hindoo And, as up and down he bobs All the troops shout, "Stop you're swanking 'Cos you're sitting with the knobs." Oh, that land of plague and pestilence Where the natives die in shoals And they have to vaccinate them Till their torsos' filled with holes. Where they have to sit on red hot stones To keep the flies away It's no wonder they get sunburnt On the road to Mandalay. There's a farm on the horizon Looking eastward to Siam We could have some ham and eggs there... If they had some eggs and ham! But they've only got one hen They call her Mandy by the way But they've found out she's a cock That's why they can't make Mandy lay. The poor sandpiper cannot pipe He's all wheezed up and croaked He's swallowed so much sand His blinking carburettors choked! He cannot whistle through his throat He's in a sorry plight So he sticks his beak into the sand And whistles through the night. There were no maps for soldiers In this land of Gunga Din So they picked the toughest warrior out And tattooed on his skin. On his back he's got Calcutta Lower down he's got Bombay And you'll find him sleeping peacefully On the road to Mandalay. |