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Lyr Add: The Christmas Fairy (Frances Dunlop)

16 Dec 22 - 02:24 PM (#4159487)
Subject: Lyr Add: The Christmas Fairy (Frances Dunlop)
From: Monologue John

CHRISTMAS FAIRY
(Frances Dunlop)

I am a little fairy
On tap o' the Christmas Tree
It's no' a job I fancy
Well how would you like tae be me?

Aw tarted up wi' tinsel
It's enough to mak ye boak
An a couple o' jaggy branches
Rammed up the back o' yer frock.

An' these wee lights a'roon me
I canna get ma sleep
An' there's the yearly visit
Fae Santa ......Big fat creep!

On Christmas Day A'm stuck up here
While you're a' wirin' in 
An' naebody says, "Hey you up there
Could ye go a slug o' gin?

It's nae joke bein' a fairy
The job's beyond belief
You've got to go roon' the wean's beds
And lift their rotten teeth 

But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets
An' I've mentioned only some 
The very worst is sitting up a tree
Wi' pine needles up yer bum 

When a' the fairies meet again
By the light of' the silvery moon 
Ye can tell the Christmas fairies
They're the wans that canna sit doon

The Christmas tree's a bonny sight
As the firelight softly flickers
But think o' me A'm stuck up here
Wi' needles in ma knickers 

So soon as Christmas time's right by
An' A stop bein' sae full o' cheer
A'll get awa back tae Fairyland 
An' A'll see yous a' next year. 


Here is a new poem, read it in your best Scottish accent, ...... Beano
This poem was written by Frances Dunlop 1993

17 Dec 22 - 12:40 PM (#4159540)
Subject: ADD: The Tale of the Christmas Tree Fairy
From: Richard Mellish

On a similar theme there's also this one.

Text from link added by Joe Offer.

THE TALE OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE FAIRY
By Tim brooks and Mick Fall, 1972.

I’ll tell you an old Christmas story,
as we sit round the log fire at night.
Why each Christmas tree has its fairy on top
and why Santa’s beard is so white.

It happened one winter in England,
on a dark Christmas Eve long ago
There was Santa out doing his rounds
and playing on t’ sledge in t’ snow.

He were taking all t’ presents t’ t’ houses
and then, when that job were done,
he went round once again with his fairies
putting Christmas Trees in every one.

Now just when he thought he might finish
an’ ‘t’ last house were comin' in sight.
He went to fetch more trees off t’ toboggan,
And he found he were just, four trees light.

This discovery quite upset Santa,
So he gave to his reindeer a shout (whoa up!)
And he sent for his Christmas Tree fairy
to chastise her for leaving them out.

"Eeee by gum, tha’s a daft little fairy.
Tha’s daft as a fairy could be.
When you loaded the sledge up this evening
Tha must‘ve missed off some o’ trees".

“Oh Sod it!” replied t’ little fairy.
Which was really quite un-fairy like,
“I’ll ‘ave fer t’ go back t’ factory.”
And with that she got on her bike.

“Hold on a minute,” cried Santa
“There’s a way that won’t let yer forget
Fetch one tree back fer each finger
On ‘t right ‘and – you’ll get it right yet”

Then off like a shot went our fairy.
Much faster than t’ light from ‘t sun
‘Cause Einstein hadn’t been invented
and she wasn’t to know it weren’t done.

Now if you could ‘ave watched ‘t little fairy
There was trouble to come, you could tell.
For when she were counting her fingers,
She added her thumb in as well.

Now Santa, he waited for hours
‘Till his patience were running quite dry
When at last he saw t’ fairy peddling
For all she was worth through t’ sky
.

But then, as the fairy got nearer,
Santa’s anger it grew more and more.
He could tell by the load she was bearing,
that she’d fetched him five trees, not four.

Then Santa got redder and redder,
started roaring with all of his might.
Till the glow from his nose outshone Rudolph’s
and his beard, it began to turn white.

“Why, tha’s stupid”, he yelled at the fairy,
“Tha’s four times as thick as I’d thought.
Now go and put t’ trees in t’ houses
And when tha’s finished - report.”

So straightway off went the fairy,
and as soon as she’d finished, t’ last place
She brought fifth tree back to Santa
And waved it in front of his face.

“Whatever shall I do with this one?”
Our innocent fairy enquired,
So Santa, he upped and he told her
‘Cause by now he were feeling quite tired.

The fairy, she looked up at Santa
And her face it went a mite red
But then, being the good little fairy she was
She upped and she did as he said.

So now, at the end of my story
You’ll see why to this very night,
each Christmas Tree has a fairy on top
And old Santa’s beard is quite white.

The moral, should ever you want one
is simple – when doing your sums
If you really must count on your fingers,
Don’t forget to remember your thumbs.

18 Dec 22 - 08:51 AM (#4159616)
Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Christmas Fairy (Frances Dunlop)
From: Richard Mellish

Better, here it is on Tim's own website.