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01 Jan 25 - 02:03 PM (#4214524) Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Happy new year. This is the successor to the 2024 joke thread. I'll update this thread once I can think of something worth saying. |
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01 Jan 25 - 06:35 PM (#4214546) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Stilly River Sage I fear a lot of gallows humor will be popular this year. From this side of the pond it is difficult to think of anything funny at this point. |
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01 Jan 25 - 08:10 PM (#4214551) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy How do trees get on the Internet? They log in. -Mrrzy, feeling thick as two planks |
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02 Jan 25 - 05:36 AM (#4214561) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Here's an oldie- Two flies were perched on a cow pie when fly A broke wind. Fly B says,"Hey, gimme a break, I'm eating here." |
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02 Jan 25 - 07:55 AM (#4214566) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Sandra in Sydney another oldie What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes? answer A nervous wreck |
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02 Jan 25 - 04:22 PM (#4214602) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Sandra, one of my faves! |
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03 Jan 25 - 03:00 AM (#4214624) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Sandra in Sydney it came from a book of kids jokes I read sometime this century (ie. when I was a very grown up person) & I've never forgotten it - it's the only joke I can tell without forgetting bits or fluffing it! One year our kid's traditional music workshop (6-18yrs) included a joke session & I contributed my joke - naturally it wasn't out of place among their contributions. sandra |
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03 Jan 25 - 07:46 AM (#4214639) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Well, if we are going in the ocean we have to resurrect fish jokes What does 70mph at the bottom of a lake? A motorpike and side carp |
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03 Jan 25 - 03:18 PM (#4214651) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D I kinda wish these threads were named HUMOR, as many of the submissions are merely puns or riddles...etc. Real "jokes" are a bit in the minority recently. |
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03 Jan 25 - 05:53 PM (#4214653) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Agreed, Bill, but as someone said before - Humour is like a frog. Once you start to disect it, it dies. How about you tell us a 'real' joke? |
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03 Jan 25 - 08:35 PM (#4214661) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy In a big forest full of secrets and shadows, there was a young couple who loved to explore. This forest was their special place, away from all the noise and busy life. One day, while they were walking deep in the woods, they heard a deep, gruff voice say, "Boy." They looked around, but couldn't find anyone. This mysterious voice made them a little scared but also very curious. They kept going back to the forest, and every time they did, they would hear the same deep voice say "Boy." They started to think maybe the forest was telling them they would have a baby boy one day. When their first baby came, it was a girl! They laughed and thought, "Maybe the forest spirit got it wrong." But they still loved going back to the forest, and each time they heard the voice say "Boy." After their second baby girl was born, they really wanted to know what was going on. So, they went to the wise shaman in their village and told him about the voice. The shaman listened and then said with a bit of a laugh, "That's no forest spirit, you fools. Everyone knows it's the wolf who cries ‘boy.’" |
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04 Jan 25 - 05:37 AM (#4214674) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be. "Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions." |
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04 Jan 25 - 07:33 AM (#4214682) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome First from Steve this year :-) Bloke was chatting to his mate in the pub. "I've just bought these amazing hearing aids. Four grand, latest technology, total state of the art, best in the world!" "Blimey, that's impressive! Four grand, eh? Where did you buy em?" "Half past two..." |
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04 Jan 25 - 03:01 PM (#4214702) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D A guy was in Las Vegas, having bad luck at gambling. Finally, he took his last hundred dollars, filled up his car and headed back to California. He got about 20 miles when a little voice in his head..or somewhere....said "Stop the car!" Startled, he pulled over to the side of the road. "Who is that?" he asked the air. The little voice said, "Turn around, go back to Vegas." Now he was really nervous. "I can't go there, I just lost most of my money!" The voice insisted, "Go BACK to Vegas." This was too much to resist. He turned around and in 30 minutes, he was back. "Go the the Sands Hotel!", said the little voice. But that's where I almost went broke!" The little voice said "The Sands!" Incredulously, he parked and nervously walked into the casino floor. "Go to the roulette table!", said the little voice. He now had this feeling.. so he crowded into the group at the roulette. "Wait!," said little voice. "Two more spins!" He waited for two more spins. "Now," said little voice, "Put your $100 on #23 black!" Immediately, he followed this specific order. The croupier spun the wheel, and the ball went round& round and finally settled into.. #18 Red! "Hmm... how about that", said little voice. |
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05 Jan 25 - 05:29 AM (#4214740) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Okay, so I don't know what Armageddon means. It's not the end of the world. |
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05 Jan 25 - 08:11 AM (#4214749) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Nice shaggy dog story Bill :-) |
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05 Jan 25 - 03:46 PM (#4214792) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Bet I can tell your age! called an old lady at an old gentleman walking by. After a couple of denials, the old man asks, how? The old woman says, come behind these bushes and drop trou, and I'll tell you your age. Intrigued, the old guy agrees. And does. Hmmm, not sure, please jump up and down? OK... 87! You're 87! Amazing! How could you tell? Silly, I was at your birthday party last week! |
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08 Jan 25 - 07:35 AM (#4214935) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome My mate sez to me in the pub, "If you could choose anyone famous, alive or dead, to sit here and have a drink and chat with, who would it be?" " The alive one..." The doc asked me, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?" "I drink it..." |
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10 Jan 25 - 11:09 AM (#4215076) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy The live one, hahaha! In the spirit of learning that Kipling had lived in Vermont, I will now tell my Vermont joke, acquired while my sister was at Middlebury College. Two Vermonters decided to go bear hunting in the woods. They get all their gear together, hop into a pickup truck, and head out. As they are nearing the woods, they come to a fork in the road. The signpost said, Bear Left. So they went home. |
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11 Jan 25 - 06:58 AM (#4215128) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome A very drunk fellow was staggering home via a very dark alley. He bumped into, er, a lady of the night. Sez he to her, "How much do you charge for sex?" "Twenty quid." "OK!" So they were getting on with it when a police officer came down the alley and shone his torch on them. "'Ello, 'ello, and what's going on 'ere then?" "Er, I was just making love to my wife, officer..." "Ah, I didn't realise she was your wife, sir..." "Neither did I, officer, until you shone your torch on her face..." |
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12 Jan 25 - 05:22 AM (#4215184) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes? Sandra - Squid Vicious or if you are old enough - Frankie Prawn OH! Should that have been in music thread? Since when was a pun not humor? Of course it is humour. There are people out there who have a different take on humour.................. and absolutism too! |
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12 Jan 25 - 06:48 AM (#4215187) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Perhaps we should change the title of this thread to Joke and a Lecture (2 bits). |
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14 Jan 25 - 11:40 AM (#4215304) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Or "joke and carping" - why not? We still haven't excised the culprits. Now for the joke - or whatever you prefer to call it. Q) What is a sob sister? A) A lass who sits on your lap, and bawls, and makes it hard for you. |
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14 Jan 25 - 05:29 PM (#4215327) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Jesus steps in to stop the stoning of an adulteress "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... Mother, put that rock down!" |
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17 Jan 25 - 07:50 AM (#4215445) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Sol Got thrown out the Greek Mythology class today. Lecturer: "Which creature was half man, half beast?" Me: "Buffalo Bill". |
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17 Jan 25 - 08:16 AM (#4215448) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. |
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17 Jan 25 - 03:04 PM (#4215473) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel At the marriage counselor's office, a wife was recounting every slight, every loss of intimacy, every argument that her husband started while the husband audibly sighed. After 20 minutes of her disappointments, lack of her own car and communication the counselor stood up, pulled the wife into his embrace, kissed her deeply and punctuated his hug with a grope of her buttocks. The counselor asked the husband ... "can you do this three times a week?" The husband said, "I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I golf or go to the pub before the ball game". |
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19 Jan 25 - 02:45 PM (#4215551) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor A monkey was arrested at the local zoo yesterday for flinging lit feces at his attendants, several of whom were admitted to the hospital for turd debris burns. |
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22 Jan 25 - 04:55 AM (#4215693) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Neil D A couple celebrating their anniversary went back to the bar(pub) where they met. After a couple drinks the wife asked the husband "Do you remember what we did the last time we were here?" he said "Yeah, We went out back and made love up against a fence." She gives him a sly look and asks "Do you think that fence is still back there?" Only one way to find out. So they sneak round back and sure enough the fence is still there so he drops his drawers and lifts her skirt and backs her up against it. There happened to be a cop sitting in his car up the alley. He's about to go and break up these scofflaws but he is struck by the vigorous, frantic lovemaking, lots of shaking and loud moaning. When they finally break free of each other the cop rushes up and says "That was amazing. how do you explain vitality and physicality of your lovemaking, at your age?" The old boy says "Thirty years ago, that fence wasn't electrified." |
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22 Jan 25 - 05:14 AM (#4215698) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor In a new study researchers have determined that one out every seven dwarves is Dopey. |
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22 Jan 25 - 06:44 AM (#4215704) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Q. Why do frogmen always dive backwards off the boat? A. Because if they did it the other way round they'd just fall into the boat. |
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23 Jan 25 - 05:35 AM (#4215780) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel In 2025 two Trump judges bump into each other just outside the courtroom. One is laughing out loud. ‘Hello, judge, what you’re laughing at?’ ‘Never mind, I just heard the funniest Trump joke ever!’ ‘Tell me!’ ‘No, I can’t, I just sentenced a man to ten years for telling it…’ |
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23 Jan 25 - 07:20 AM (#4215788) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor A man in Wyoming who was completely wrapped in brown paper was arrested yesterday. He was charged with rustling. |
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23 Jan 25 - 08:15 AM (#4215797) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome That is actually quite funny Don. One of your own? |
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26 Jan 25 - 10:23 AM (#4216000) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel It is a personally customized former Stalin joke. |
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30 Jan 25 - 06:22 PM (#4216288) Subject: RE: BS: Joke & carping thread for 2025 From: Mr Red One from Stephen Fry, though he didn't say who told him: "Elon Musk is not a Nazi, Nazis made exceedingly good cars" |
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31 Jan 25 - 02:14 PM (#4216364) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy I'm still snickering over the parrot. Back in the day, we would sing If I can't get a man, then I'll have to get a carrot! for the last verse of Old Maid In The Garret. Music thread! McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes." Kirk: "But you can't play them." McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!" |
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31 Jan 25 - 02:35 PM (#4216365) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Just spotted two stories (yesterday and today) in The Register; the subject lines tell it all. Startup plugs AI datacenters into biogas-powered energy Welsh woman fined for flatulence-fueled cyber harassment |
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31 Jan 25 - 05:36 PM (#4216384) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Lifted directly from Faceache C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. |
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01 Feb 25 - 12:41 PM (#4216424) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Pelvic floor exercises? You mean puss-ups? |
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02 Feb 25 - 06:06 PM (#4216505) Subject: RE: BS: Joke & carping thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Delorean for sale, only used from time to time. |
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03 Feb 25 - 10:36 AM (#4216543) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Probably been posted here before but here's a musical description of you know who- "Super Callous Fragile Racist Sexist Nazi POTUS" |
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03 Feb 25 - 04:51 PM (#4216596) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome A bloke was marooned on a remote island after a shipwreck. The only other survivor was a small terrier. The only other occupants of the island were a small flock of wild sheep. After a few weeks the chap's natural manly appetite was getting the better of him. He'd noticed that one of the sheep was quite placid, so temptation got the better of him. But no sooner had he dropped his trousers that the terrier started to bark incessantly and dash frantically round his legs, completely frustrating his intended, er, enterprise. Over the days, this happened again and again and the poor fellow never got his wicked way with the ewe. Months later there was another shipwreck just off the island. The only survivor was an absolutely beautiful young woman, badly injured and half-dead as yer man dragged her on to the shore. For weeks he tended to her wounds and looked after her until she was fully recovered. One day she said to him, "I'm so grateful to you for saving my life and restoring me back to health. I'd like to return the favour - I'll do anything you ask...and I do mean ANYTHING..." "OK," he replied, "Would you just watch the dog for ten minutes?" |
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05 Feb 25 - 09:17 AM (#4216718) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Your change of thread title sounds a bit fishy, Mr Red. Are you thinking 'eel not notice' or trying a bit of codology? |
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05 Feb 25 - 10:18 AM (#4216720) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Trump Gaza Casinos will be four-star with the sale of gambling, alcohol, prostitution, and Hamas Cheese sandwiches. |
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06 Feb 25 - 09:20 AM (#4216783) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Roger the Skiffler If Trump is looking for ideas for his Riviera of the Middle East he could have a girlie bar called Braless in Gaza (apologies to Aldous Huxley). RtS |
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10 Feb 25 - 02:52 PM (#4217004) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red :) |
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10 Feb 25 - 03:29 PM (#4217006) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Don't be too hard on Trump, he's just a confused old man. He can't decide whether he's Hitler or Mussolini. |
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10 Feb 25 - 04:45 PM (#4217014) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome A seasonal one For as long as I can remember, I have had a Valentine's card from an unknown admirer and never found out who it was. It's been a terrible year so far. My Granny died last month and now this... |
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11 Feb 25 - 04:08 AM (#4217031) Subject: RE: BS: Joke, wit & wisdom thread for 2025 From: Mr Red From a packet of Paloma paper handkerchieves: "Good friends don't let you do stupid things - alone". |
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11 Feb 25 - 08:37 AM (#4217042) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Is that a joke, wit or wisdom? |
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11 Feb 25 - 02:24 PM (#4217069) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver She was only the pilots daughter but she had a fur lined cockpit. She was only the tobacconists daughter but the best bit of shag in town. She was only the telegraphists daughter but she didit didit didit. |
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12 Feb 25 - 10:57 AM (#4217110) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bob the Postman She was Shostakovitch’s daughter but she certainly knew how to conduct herself. |
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12 Feb 25 - 12:00 PM (#4217113) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Hear about the new restaurant, Karma? There's no menu - you get what you deserve Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na... What do frogs wear on their feet? Open toad sandals |
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12 Feb 25 - 02:12 PM (#4217116) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel She is only the President's daughter but she will be in charge of the Trump Gaza Plaza & Casinos as long as the Palestinians are deported to Greenland in which case Don Jr. hopes to open a heavy coat store and Seal blubber restaurants. |
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12 Feb 25 - 05:09 PM (#4217124) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor oy! |
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13 Feb 25 - 11:56 AM (#4217138) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk I'll let someone else say " .... vey". |
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13 Feb 25 - 04:39 PM (#4217153) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor I asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with. She said, "Yes, the others were eights or nines" |
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14 Feb 25 - 07:18 AM (#4217174) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel gevalt |
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14 Feb 25 - 07:29 AM (#4217177) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Watched an interesting doc last night about insane nudists called "I see You're Nuts". |
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14 Feb 25 - 09:46 AM (#4217181) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome The doctor asked me why I had a steering wheel fastened to my underpants. I said it's driving me nuts... |
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14 Feb 25 - 12:55 PM (#4217206) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D I've always enjoyed humorous word play, so when I heard there was going to be a punning contest, I went down to see if a few to tickle my funny bone... But no pun in tendid.... |
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15 Feb 25 - 04:18 AM (#4217240) Subject: RE: BS: Joke & pun thread for 2025 From: Mr Red A pundit eh? |
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15 Feb 25 - 11:28 AM (#4217260) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome I suppose you think that's punny... |
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15 Feb 25 - 12:17 PM (#4217261) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor You guys are just punderful. |
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15 Feb 25 - 12:57 PM (#4217264) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Old song by ABBA: Punny, Punny, Punny must be punny in a rich man's word ... |
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16 Feb 25 - 05:00 AM (#4217298) Subject: RE: BS: Joke & paronamasia thread for 2025 From: Mr Red I saw a pot plant being sold off cheap, so bought it for the GF for Valentine's Day. A special offer, for a special lady She laughed. But otherwise unimpressed! |
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16 Feb 25 - 06:18 AM (#4217303) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor USA played Canada last night in the 4 Nations Playoff and there were 3 gloves-off fights in the first 9 seconds of playing time. Reminded me of the old Rodney Dangerfield joke, "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out". |
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16 Feb 25 - 07:02 AM (#4217310) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Presleyopia: causes the sufferer to see Elvis working in the chip shop, the supermarket etc. |
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16 Feb 25 - 07:11 AM (#4217314) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome You are a PTerry fan aren't you MaJoC? Do you reckon the whole of Soul Music was geared to the line where the hero ends up working in the local chip shop? :-D |
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16 Feb 25 - 08:33 AM (#4217318) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Nah, DtG: that punchline was just a bonus. .... As it happens, I'm a rock guitarist in remission. Whenever I read Soul Music, I find it messes summat cruel with my wetware. |
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16 Feb 25 - 08:40 AM (#4217320) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Are you guys Spamming us? I'm getting a link to ThomasHardydigital in your posts.
-Joe Offer- |
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16 Feb 25 - 08:56 AM (#4217322) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel My Abracalabrador is magical and is fairly wild but meditates. I call him aware wolf. He eats pooched eggs for breakfast and has collar ID on his bone. But if you ask him anything about baseball he always says Ruth even if the correct answer is Ohtani. |
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17 Feb 25 - 08:22 AM (#4217385) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Ruth eh? Is he your Babe? |
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17 Feb 25 - 10:13 AM (#4217390) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver I asked my ex if I was the only man she ever slept with...she replied 'Of course!! All the others kept me awake all night.' |
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18 Feb 25 - 09:29 AM (#4217472) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver A small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem. The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them. The Methodists decided that the situation needed dealing with humanely and strapped the squirrels before moving them to the local park. Within 3 days they returned. The Catholics decided the best idea would be to baptise them, which they did. Now they only see them at Easter and Christmas. |
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19 Feb 25 - 09:50 AM (#4217571) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Fresh this morning: What do you call a showoff dinosaur on a Harley-Davidson? A wheeliesaurus. |
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20 Feb 25 - 05:27 PM (#4217676) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Naemanson Georgiansilver, re: Squirrels in church I heard there was also a synagogue in town. It was also plagued by squirrels until the rabi started circumcising them. |
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20 Feb 25 - 06:57 PM (#4217683) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor This woman got breast implants made of wood. It would be great if this joke had a punchline... ...wooden tit? |
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21 Feb 25 - 02:16 AM (#4217692) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard gillymor, in German (at least in Bavarian), there is the expression "Sie hat viel Holz vor der Hütte" ("she has a lot of wood in front of the hut/cabin") which refers to a woman's breasts ... |
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21 Feb 25 - 04:51 AM (#4217696) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome We live near Haworth and see plenty jokes with variations on "Bronte saw us" :-) |
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21 Feb 25 - 06:02 AM (#4217698) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor MudGuard, we used to say, she's got a big front porch and a swinging back door. |
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21 Feb 25 - 07:50 AM (#4217700) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor A pedophile, rapist and priest enter a bar. He orders a beer. |
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21 Feb 25 - 01:52 PM (#4217722) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome You are going straight to hell, gillymor :-D |
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21 Feb 25 - 04:20 PM (#4217728) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Considering the sitch over here, Dave, it might be an improvement. |
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22 Feb 25 - 06:32 AM (#4217759) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome gillymor - :-D Before we get too political though, a couple from Steve :-) A bloke sees a blind man with a dog at the bus stop. Suddenly, the dog cocks its leg up and pees down the blind man's leg. "Hey, mate, your dog's just peed on your leg!" "Ah, thanks for telling me that." Upon which the blind man pulls a doggie treat out of his pocket and gives it to the dog. "Hey, surely you're not rewarding the dog for peeing on you!" "Nah. I'm just finding out which is its front end so that I can kick its arse..." A woman is upstairs in bed with a bad leg. The doctor calls round and the husband shows him upstairs. Five minutes later the doc comes down and asks if he can borrow a screwdriver. Ten minutes later he comes down again, asking for a saw and a pair of pliers this time. The chap is frantic by now. "What's going on, doc? What are you doing up there? Is her leg worse than we thought?" Sez the doc, "I haven't a clue, mate. I'm still trying to get my medical bag open..." |
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22 Feb 25 - 01:09 PM (#4217795) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Solve this: If Mr & Mrs Bigger have a baby, which of the Bigger's is the biggest? Fred |
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22 Feb 25 - 01:37 PM (#4217796) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred I'll tell you... The baby because it's a little Bigger! :) |
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24 Feb 25 - 08:06 AM (#4217888) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome A few Roman jokes from an erstwhile contributor A Roman centurion went into a bar and said to the barman, "I'll have a martinus please." The barman said, "Do you mean 'martini'?" The centurion said, "Look, pal, if I'd wanted two I'd have ASKED for two..." An ancient Roman is trying on some new clothes. He turns to his wife and asks her, " Does my gluteus look maximus in this toga?" A rather overweight tourist goes into a clothes shop in ancient Rome and asks the assistant, "Do you have XL togas?" "Certainly sir, but why do you want so many?" Most Romans don't think that Cleopatra is beautiful, but that's the way Julius Caesar... |
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24 Feb 25 - 08:07 AM (#4217890) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome I went in the hardware shop today and asked what was best to clean ovens "Ammonia cleaner" said the assistant "Sorry, I thought you were on customer service..." |
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25 Feb 25 - 06:46 AM (#4217977) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes from QI thread for 2025 From: Mr Red One from Stephen Fry "My Great Uncle had his tongue shot off in the war - he never talks about it" |
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26 Feb 25 - 03:53 AM (#4218016) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Neil D Here's one for that guy that hates puns. What do you call a magician who lose his magic? Ian. |
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26 Feb 25 - 08:57 AM (#4218029) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!! |
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26 Feb 25 - 12:24 PM (#4218038) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Can you guys get me a copy of The Flying Machine by L.E.Copter? :) Fred |
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26 Feb 25 - 01:41 PM (#4218044) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Thanks, Bill D; that's the best and most enlightening thing I've read all day. Much mirth ensued when I showed it to Herself just now. --- Oops: just looked at my original notes, and my contribution above should have involved "a stunt dinosaur on a motorbike". Silly me. Now to try the corrected version on the grandchildren .... |
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26 Feb 25 - 03:27 PM (#4218049) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Lol, Bill. |
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26 Feb 25 - 04:04 PM (#4218053) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred A man goes into a pet shop to buy a bird. The lady owner says "Sorry, sir, we don't sell birds" and the man says "Well that's funny cos I've been told you've had a cockatoo!" |
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26 Feb 25 - 08:12 PM (#4218057) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor A new study reveals that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who comment on it. |
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28 Feb 25 - 04:16 PM (#4218156) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred lol gillymor Fred |
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01 Mar 25 - 07:54 AM (#4218200) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Q: Is tripe kosher? AI: It depends on the religion of your cow. |
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02 Mar 25 - 09:00 AM (#4218249) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Reaching the 100 point reminded of the darts match Player throws a double 20 followed by another. His third darts though bounces off the wire and hits a nun seated close by in the temple, causing her to drop dead on the spot. The announcer calls "One nun dead and 80..." |
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04 Mar 25 - 05:42 PM (#4218465) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Just seen this: What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels. |
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05 Mar 25 - 11:56 AM (#4218502) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Two philosophers on their holidays were sitting by the pool. Sez one: "Have you read Marx?" "Yeah," sez the other, "It's these bloody wicker chairs..." |
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06 Mar 25 - 03:53 PM (#4218582) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says, "you're fine how am I?" Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says "Hi there, how's it going?" The other thinks, "Wonder what he meant by that?" |
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06 Mar 25 - 07:56 PM (#4218593) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel "Honey, whats this baggie behind the empty egg carton in the fridge?". Oh, that's from the White House that we got in the mail. " What are we supposed to do with it?" It said to refrigerate it before use, smell it. "It smells like shit...uh...Honey, whats this baggie behind the empty egg carton in the fridge?". |
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06 Mar 25 - 08:17 PM (#4218595) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor oi |
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10 Mar 25 - 06:50 PM (#4218811) Subject: RE: BS: Joke & satire thread for 2025 From: Mr Red I think the Gulf of America is between Elephants and Donkeys |
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10 Mar 25 - 07:03 PM (#4218812) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel The Golf of America may soon face DEI and restriction problems again. |
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10 Mar 25 - 09:17 PM (#4218821) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Wouldn't this ...stuff be more at home in the Trump thread. |
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10 Mar 25 - 09:27 PM (#4218823) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor and what's Golf of America? Sounds like a putt putt course. |
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11 Mar 25 - 03:50 AM (#4218827) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Someone mentioned 'Golf' ......so here's a golf joke.. Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole. The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help. She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’. |
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11 Mar 25 - 04:22 AM (#4218830) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome He's been banned from posting shite on the Trump thread gillymor. |
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11 Mar 25 - 05:12 AM (#4218831) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Not so long ago he was also told to refrain from posting to this thread, Dave, but like a recurring fungal infection... |
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11 Mar 25 - 06:34 PM (#4218894) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Elon Musk is not a Nazi. Nazis made really great cars. Ignore the slander and propaganda. |
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11 Mar 25 - 08:22 PM (#4218899) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Joke stolen from Stephen Fry |
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12 Mar 25 - 11:23 AM (#4218951) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome I know it couldn't be yours, Don. It was vaguely funny Very poor for Stephen Fry though |
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12 Mar 25 - 11:40 AM (#4218953) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel zero for three like America's credibility, economy, and goodwill. To destroy America, the new Truth Reinvention Administration has had a great deal of success rewriting history, bios, data, budgets, culture, and record-keeping. Uberfeurer Stephen Miller claims it is a vast improvement compared to propaganda minister Goebbles, but everyone knows he's lying. |
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12 Mar 25 - 11:54 AM (#4218955) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Wtf is that doing on the joke thread. A moderator told you to dump your nonsense in a mother of b.s. thread and stay off this one. Your compliance would be appreciated. |
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12 Mar 25 - 12:16 PM (#4218959) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Its getting harder to tell Putin apart from Elmer Fudd and Zelenskyy is the wise cracking Wabbit. Some jokes kill so I went to my boss’s funeral service … I knelt next to the coffin and whispered, “Who is thinking outside the box now?” Where are mathematicians buried? The Symmetry. When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough for the dog's funeral?" The preacher replied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?" |
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16 Mar 25 - 01:54 PM (#4219240) Subject: Satirical Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Apparently Teslas are being recalled because they keep turning far right. From YouTube comments. |
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16 Mar 25 - 03:11 PM (#4219246) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor It's important to note that though Musk gave the Nazi salute at the inauguration he is not a Nazi, he's a South African. There's a slight difference. |
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17 Mar 25 - 07:20 AM (#4219278) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Thank you Mr. Himmler, that's a knee-slapper. |
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17 Mar 25 - 08:52 AM (#4219279) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor I thought you would enjoy that, Herr Goebbels. |
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17 Mar 25 - 10:52 AM (#4219294) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome and Goebbels has no balls at all... I rang the leisure centre and asked "Is that my local swimming pool?" They said "I dunno. Depends where you are ringing from" |
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18 Mar 25 - 05:04 AM (#4219327) Subject: UK Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red So: Musk didn't inherit the polite Canadian gene then? And one for the older UK 'catters (which is truer than funny) - sorry US I can't see a translation that comes close - but if anyone cares to try... "The older I dance, the richer I get. Now I have two ape knees to rub together" two 'apenees to rub together <US> a half penny ~ no money </US> (looses a little in the translation?) |
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20 Mar 25 - 04:49 AM (#4219487) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Guy goes into ticket office. "I'd like a return ticket please" "OK. Where to?" 'Here of course!" |
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21 Mar 25 - 03:47 PM (#4219574) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Me and the Mrs found out how to make love back to back Invite another couple... |
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21 Mar 25 - 07:13 PM (#4219583) Subject: Old Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red I Googled: ‘Missing medieval servant’……it came back: ‘Page not found’. |
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22 Mar 25 - 05:24 PM (#4219617) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome We went to a fetish restaurant today. I got toed in the hole |
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23 Mar 25 - 05:17 AM (#4219634) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Guy goes into a butchers. "Steak and kidley pie please" "You mean steak and kidney" "That's what I said diddle I" |
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24 Mar 25 - 04:31 AM (#4219690) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Pessimist: This can't get any worse! Optimist: Yes, it can. |
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26 Mar 25 - 09:53 AM (#4219813) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk I thought it was: Masochist: Hit me, hit me .... Sadist: *NO*! |
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27 Mar 25 - 02:56 PM (#4219920) Subject: RE: BS: Colloquial Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red OK maybe this may only work well in certain regions of the UK, let me know if you are confused. Q What's the difference between a young miner and an old miner? A A handful of slack |
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27 Mar 25 - 02:59 PM (#4219922) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red the discussion thread, best to answer there lest the joke police complain here. |
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28 Mar 25 - 04:34 AM (#4219941) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome There are no joke police but, as a rule of thumb, if the joke needs to be explained it isn't worth repeating Yes, I got the slack one and yes it was quire funny but I suspect it may not be transatlantic. Not that it matters really. I don't get some American humour |
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29 Mar 25 - 09:59 AM (#4220004) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor For you back country hikers and campers- How do you identity grizzly bear scat? It's full of bells and smells like pepper spray. |
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29 Mar 25 - 04:54 PM (#4220025) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Some people don't understand the difference between your and you're. There stupid. |
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31 Mar 25 - 01:57 PM (#4220090) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor I had brunch at a 50's-themed restaurant the other day and they served eggs benedict on a hub cap. I really enjoyed it, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise. -Blame Colin Mochrie for that one. |
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01 Apr 25 - 05:35 AM (#4220117) Subject: RE: BS: Universal Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red gillymore je ne comprends pas - trois fois. So one that will translate and resonate moreso in the US Q How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? A How many can you afford? |
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01 Apr 25 - 05:36 AM (#4220118) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red They're you are |
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01 Apr 25 - 06:48 AM (#4220120) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel By executive order, only all white Pandas will be allowed at the zoo. The rest will be deported. |
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01 Apr 25 - 07:05 AM (#4220121) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Was your banishment from this thread lifted, Don? I didn't hear about it. |
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01 Apr 25 - 07:44 AM (#4220123) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor and, Red, remember it wasn't me who complained about your "hand full of slack" joke. There's nothing funny about a limp member when you're in the throes of passion. |
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04 Apr 25 - 09:43 AM (#4220297) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy There was a young man From Cork who got limericks And haikus confused |
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04 Apr 25 - 06:36 PM (#4220319) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? The bad marksman can shoot but can't hit. |
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06 Apr 25 - 06:56 AM (#4220381) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred North America's Deep South. It's a Sunday and the congregation has gathered. The preacher says "All you sinners who have been a he-in' and a she-in' go and stand in that corner. All who've been a he-in' and a he-in' stand in THAT corner. You who've been a she-in' and a she-in' stand over there". It leaves one old man still seated and the preacher asks him to stand and take a bow. He says he can't "Why not?" "Ah's been a me-in' and a me-in'!" |
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07 Apr 25 - 05:52 PM (#4220460) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel contempt of court |
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11 Apr 25 - 04:28 AM (#4220671) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red There's nothing funny about a limp member when you're in the throes of passion. Puts you right off your stroke. OK what was your limp excuse? |
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11 Apr 25 - 04:35 AM (#4220672) Subject: Medieval Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red A Tudor joke, (you had to be there) Landed Gentry to a drunken citizen Q Gadsooks, sir, you seem unable to stand Drunkard A Forsooth, I am able to stand, but it is my feet that can't stand From a book of similar whimsies. |
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11 Apr 25 - 04:37 AM (#4220673) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Donuel - cartoon - Is he being judged by his peers? |
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11 Apr 25 - 06:24 AM (#4220678) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Good job ferreting out that illicit cartoon, Red. We need a go-getter like you in the JPD. |
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12 Apr 25 - 08:17 PM (#4220783) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bob Hitchcock Two Flutes meet on the street and one says "who was that Piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other one says "that was no Piccolo that was my Fife" Sorry about that. |
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12 Apr 25 - 08:19 PM (#4220784) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bob Hitchcock What musical instrument can be found in the bathroom? Tuba toothpaste. I used to teach special needs kids and they loved it. |
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13 Apr 25 - 08:40 AM (#4220814) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Not sure what scale that joke was on but it was worthy of note And one from Steve - Mother-in-law went to see her daughter-in-law. So she knocked on her door, and, to her shock, the daughter-in-law opened the door and she was stark naked. Says the mother-in-law, "What are you doing? I could've been anybody! And you open the door and you're stark naked!" The daughter-in-law said, "Well you see, the thing is, this is my love suit!" Says the mother-in-law, "Your 'love suit'? Well that's ridiculous! I'm appalled!" And off she went, but on her way home she thought to herself, "Well maybe that's not too bad an idea after all. Love suit eh? Maybe I'll try that too..." So later, when her husband got back from work, she opened the door to him, stark naked. "What the devil do you think you're doing!" He exclaimed. "Well this is my love suit!" She replied. He looked her up and down and said, "Well next time you put it on, make sure you've ironed it first!" |
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23 Apr 25 - 01:05 PM (#4221500) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Even a defective parachute will last you a lifetime. |
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29 Apr 25 - 09:29 AM (#4221778) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: HuwG Did you know thatJohann Sebastian Bach produced not only more than a thousand musical scores, but also twenty children (which may explain why one of his works was unfinished). For one anniversary, they all went to a local wirtshaus. Johann Sebastian asked "What would everyone like to drink?" Frau Bach replied, "Not in my condition, thanks." The children all asked for lemonade, fruit juice etc. When the landlord totted up, it came to only nineteen drinks. Johann Sebastian asked "Where's young Wilhelm?" "He's in the gents" said someone. "Oh dear" said Johann Sebastian. "Shall we wait for him to come back?" "I've a better idea" said the landlord. He turned to a waiter and said, "See what the Bach in the boys' room will have." That one was from Dennis Norden |
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29 Apr 25 - 01:59 PM (#4221793) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome They opened his coffin years after his death and found him lay there crossing out all his scores He was decomposing |
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29 Apr 25 - 05:59 PM (#4221804) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel A MAGA Trump supporter walks into a bar He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Black man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that diversity Black over there!" The MAGA turns to the Black smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the MAGA turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Black!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Black grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Black still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the MAGA's direction. The MAGA turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Black". The MAGA satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Black smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the MAGA turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Black? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar." |
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29 Apr 25 - 06:30 PM (#4221805) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash You really are one sick Puppy. |
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29 Apr 25 - 07:44 PM (#4221813) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel A very disturbed lady took her sick puppy to the Dogtor. He said the puppy had a case of Taggy Rash and needed a cone on his head. The lady said I've heard those called a cone of shame. The dogtor said that's only when the dog has a minor emotional disorder or wound, your puppy has a serious psychological condition that is often cured by seeing less of a mean owner. She said My new job at Homeland Security keeps me so busy I'm seldom home so the maid feeds and walks him. Excellent, stay away some more. |
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29 Apr 25 - 07:50 PM (#4221814) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Don, if you're not on drugs you probably should be. |
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29 Apr 25 - 08:01 PM (#4221815) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Did you hear about the psychic contortionist who saw her own end. |
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29 Apr 25 - 08:31 PM (#4221819) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Christy Noem is a joke even without killing dogs. |
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29 Apr 25 - 08:37 PM (#4221821) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Don, you were banned from this thread for obvious reasons, show some respect for moderation and post that stuff somewhere else. |
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30 Apr 25 - 02:02 AM (#4221828) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: The Sandman Why did the hurlers cross the ditch? A: To get to the other side... and then argue about the best strategy with the guy on the ditch. |
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30 Apr 25 - 08:07 PM (#4221888) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Nigel Parsons Following on from an earlier comment. Men, for contraception, try a stone in your shoe. It makes you limp! ;) |
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01 May 25 - 11:36 AM (#4221908) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard could someone please explain HuwG's "See what the Bach in the boys' room will have." to a non-native speaker (= me)? I don't get that one. TIA, Andreas a/k/a Andy a/k/a MudGuard |
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01 May 25 - 01:03 PM (#4221911) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Play on "see what the boys in the back room will have" which, I think (had to look it up) was from a Marlene Deitrich song |
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01 May 25 - 01:12 PM (#4221912) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome When I first saw your joke, gillymor, I read it as psychic cartoonist and thought of Don :-D |
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01 May 25 - 01:23 PM (#4221913) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor I can see that, Dave. :') |
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01 May 25 - 03:38 PM (#4221916) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Thanks, Dave! I assumed it was some "Bach" vs "back" thing, but didn't know about the Marlene Dietrich song - so it made no sense to me ... |
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01 May 25 - 09:32 PM (#4221928) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Pappy Fiddle A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at a woman there, walked over to her and hugged her. She jumped back and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, "I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her." |
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08 May 25 - 06:27 PM (#4222290) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red The projected Spies' Cookbook with contributions from Julian Assange & Edward Snowden has failed to publish because they both refused to reveal their sauces. It was a recipe for disaster anyway. |
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11 May 25 - 03:22 PM (#4222402) Subject: Cosmic Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red What Copernicus' mother said to Copernicus... "You think the world revolves around you." |
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13 May 25 - 02:12 PM (#4222495) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric I'm sorry sir, you can't come in here. But I'm Donald Trump, President of the USA! Yes sir, but are you a member? Yes, I'm a country member. Oh yes, I remember. |
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13 May 25 - 02:19 PM (#4222496) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred When I was a child I had a globe. It meant the world to me. |
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15 May 25 - 08:31 PM (#4222595) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor It was raining cats and dogs this afternoon, I stepped into a poodle. |
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16 May 25 - 09:15 AM (#4222622) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome We always referred to Copernicus as copper knickers Kids humour is the best :-D |
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16 May 25 - 01:41 PM (#4222637) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash One from my youth Dave. Two lions having just escaped from Belle Vue Zoo were walking down Market Street in Manchester. One says to t'other "it's quiet for a Saturday isn't it" |
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16 May 25 - 02:22 PM (#4222638) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her. |
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16 May 25 - 09:17 PM (#4222673) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: HuwG OK, let's try another long and obscure one... When Clint Eastwood was electedmayorof Carmel, he invited many of his showbusiness and media friends to a celebration. One of them was Roy Rodgers, who checked into a hotel in the town. Roy was wearing a pair of brand new cowboy boots, which he left outside his room for the hotel staff to clean. For some reason, the hotel cat took exception to the boots, and clawed and chewed them to shreds. Roy was incensed. He called up Clint, and when he arrived, showed him the ruined boots. "Look at what the darned hotel cat did to my band new boots" he complained. Clint narrowed his eyes and said "Wait there, while I go collect a posse." A few minutes later, Clint returns, holding by the scruff of its neck a spitting, gouging and very cross cat. Clint takes it to Roy and says "Pardon me Roy. Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?" |
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17 May 25 - 08:02 AM (#4222692) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Back in Belle Vue Zoo two snakes are sitting in a vivarium. One snake says are we the type of snake who wrap ourselves around our victims and crush them or are we the type of snake who bite our victims and inject them with venom. Don't know says the other snake, why do you ask. I've just bit me tongue says the first. |
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17 May 25 - 08:36 AM (#4222695) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor A promoter advertised a concert featuring the "World's Tallest Piano Player" but when the musician took the stage he was obviously less than 6 feet tall. Just another instance of a guy lying about the size of his pianist. |
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17 May 25 - 09:02 AM (#4222696) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric “Grandad, tell us about the times when you were a pirate. How did you get your wooden leg.” “Arr, that were when we taking a merchantman, she only had one cannon, and she only managed to fire once and that cannon ball, took the bottom part of me leg clean off.” “ Gosh, and how did you get the hook for a hand.” “Arr, it were a cutless fight with a navy ship who tried to board us. I was about to finish one of them off when another came from the side and cut off me hand with the cutless. But I got him with me pistol with my left hand, then I knocked the first one unconscious with the pistol and kicked him overboard.” “And how did you lose your eye?” “Arr, I were looking up when a seagull shit in it.” “I didn’t know seagull poop was that dangerous” “Arr, that were the day after I got me hook.” |
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17 May 25 - 12:00 PM (#4222710) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred A fox catches a rabbit for his dinner. He lays it down until he answers a call of nature. A dog sneakes, grabs the rabbit, runs across the road into an house, puts on its owner's hat and trousers and sits in a chair pretending to read a newspaper. The fox bursts in and says "Hey, have you seen a dog?!" and the dog says "Do you mean the one who stole a rabbit?" and the fox said "F...... hell, is it in the paper already?!" |
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17 May 25 - 12:48 PM (#4222716) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Still searching for an out-of- print book: Carpentry For Women by Patty O'Dorrs. |
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18 May 25 - 05:55 AM (#4222773) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Quote from a bagpipe player (last night) When the bagpipe is in tune, the party in over! |
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18 May 25 - 06:05 AM (#4222775) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red is! |
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18 May 25 - 11:43 AM (#4222794) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel An older man was fitted with the most advanced hearing aids, and at his follow up appointment the audiologist said "Congratulations your hearing tests perfectly. What does your family think? The man said "I haven't told them a thing, but after listening carefully to them at dinner I have changed my will twice. |
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18 May 25 - 02:21 PM (#4222802) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick ;-) DC |
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20 May 25 - 11:18 AM (#4222917) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Book title "Obesity" Author Hugh Jass |
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22 May 25 - 06:25 AM (#4223022) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Well if it's books you want.... The Cannibals by Henrietta Mann. Starvation by Euphemia K Krumm. Cloakroom Work by Mahatma Koht and Mayum Brela. Prayer by Neil Down more to come. |
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22 May 25 - 06:59 AM (#4223023) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Rusty Bedsprings by I P Knightly |
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22 May 25 - 07:03 AM (#4223024) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred The Joys of Being A Gypsy by Orson Trapp |
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22 May 25 - 07:15 AM (#4223025) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Modesty by Ivor Biggen |
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22 May 25 - 08:51 AM (#4223028) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Falling Off A Cliff by Eileen Dover |
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22 May 25 - 09:02 AM (#4223029) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Botany by Teresa Green |
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22 May 25 - 10:20 AM (#4223032) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Red Vegetables by B Troot |
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22 May 25 - 10:34 AM (#4223033) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred The Telescope by I C Moore |
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22 May 25 - 11:05 AM (#4223035) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Dentistry by Phil McAvity |
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22 May 25 - 11:52 AM (#4223037) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D "The Yellow Stream" by I.P. Freely |
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22 May 25 - 12:33 PM (#4223040) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Armed Heists by Robin Banks |
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22 May 25 - 12:49 PM (#4223042) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Antlers in the Trees by Who Goosed the Moose. |
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22 May 25 - 01:52 PM (#4223045) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Art and Culture by Phyllis Stein |
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22 May 25 - 01:59 PM (#4223046) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace |
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22 May 25 - 02:14 PM (#4223048) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred I Like Fish by Ann chovies Good Work by Ben Evolent Golly Gosh by G Whizz It's Magic by Sven Ghali Shift Your Ass by Sheik Aleg |
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22 May 25 - 03:48 PM (#4223050) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Venereal Diseases by Dick Hertz. |
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23 May 25 - 02:46 AM (#4223066) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Sea Birds by Al Batross |
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23 May 25 - 02:57 AM (#4223067) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Beekeeping by A P Arry |
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23 May 25 - 03:24 AM (#4223070) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Effective policing by Laura Nawder Ghost stories by Hugo Furst |
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23 May 25 - 08:18 AM (#4223080) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Mensa hy Gene Yuss History Of Welsh Comedians by Dai Laffin Hypnosis by N Trance Thunderstorms by Wayne Dwops |
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23 May 25 - 08:27 AM (#4223082) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred UFO's My Ass by Frank O'Pinion |
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23 May 25 - 10:08 AM (#4223084) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Cooking by Stu Potts |
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23 May 25 - 11:48 AM (#4223088) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Indecision by Willy Wontee |
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23 May 25 - 11:57 AM (#4223089) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Traditional Fuels by Pete Burns |
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23 May 25 - 03:18 PM (#4223098) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Sewing and Embroidery by Fred de Needle |
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24 May 25 - 05:59 AM (#4223113) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Military Tactics by Doug A. Trench |
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24 May 25 - 06:21 AM (#4223114) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred It's Unfair my Y Mee That's it, I've reached bottom. Anyone knows any more, fire away. Cheers :) Fred |
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24 May 25 - 06:25 AM (#4223115) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred By not my, dummy! |
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24 May 25 - 03:45 PM (#4223134) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Fight me? by Ewen Douzami. |
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24 May 25 - 06:09 PM (#4223144) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Six Of The Best by Ben Dover |
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26 May 25 - 03:13 AM (#4223205) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Not a book, but true nominative determinism a dance teacher, mostly Scandi social dance Ella Sprung. |
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26 May 25 - 01:33 PM (#4223235) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Keeping House by Ella Vamess. |
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26 May 25 - 02:06 PM (#4223237) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor he he |
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26 May 25 - 06:17 PM (#4223250) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Crime and Punishment USA by Penny Tentiary |
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26 May 25 - 06:28 PM (#4223251) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Bullfighting by Matt Adore |
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26 May 25 - 06:35 PM (#4223253) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Bacteria by Mike Robes Advantageous by Benny Fishall |
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27 May 25 - 04:29 AM (#4223272) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred American Breakfast by Chris P Bacon |
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27 May 25 - 10:58 AM (#4223282) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Crap Roofing by Lee King |
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27 May 25 - 11:26 AM (#4223284) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick The Unsigned Letter by Anne Onymous |
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27 May 25 - 11:34 AM (#4223285) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Is Forgery an Art Form? By Fay King |
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27 May 25 - 11:34 AM (#4223286) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Shellfire by R Tillery |
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27 May 25 - 11:41 AM (#4223287) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred My Worst Journey by Helen Bach |
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27 May 25 - 11:44 AM (#4223288) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Large Snakes by Anna Conda |
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27 May 25 - 11:48 AM (#4223289) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Seaside Amusements by Penny R Cade |
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27 May 25 - 11:58 AM (#4223290) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred It's A Fake by Artie Fishall |
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27 May 25 - 11:59 AM (#4223291) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Fred, you should start a book club. :') |
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27 May 25 - 12:09 PM (#4223292) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Truancy by Marcus Absent |
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27 May 25 - 12:18 PM (#4223294) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Gilly, I've no time me old mate - kept hard at it by Mrs Fred. Drains, gutters, walk the dangerous beast, you know how it goes ;) Fred |
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27 May 25 - 05:08 PM (#4223309) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred And one more: Insurance by Justin Case |
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27 May 25 - 06:11 PM (#4223317) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Going to the airport is becoming a terminal illness. |
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27 May 25 - 06:35 PM (#4223322) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a small pig tucked under each arm. As he’s about to board the plane, a Secret Service agent stops him and asks, “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the pigs?” Donald motions to one and says, “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.” The secret service agent nods in approval and says, “Excellent trade, sir.” ---------------- AIR FORCE ONE was reported to have crashed near a Nebraska farm When the sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess he did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away, as if nothing had happened at all. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did," the farmer said, cutting off his motor. "Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out. I done buried them all myself." "Oh my god. President Trump is dead?" "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!" https://www.tiktok.com/@rickmarston/video/7283528071561465093?lang=en |
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27 May 25 - 11:23 PM (#4223339) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Back to the books: Cheating at Sports, by Anna Bolika, Eve Nedrine and Do Ping |
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28 May 25 - 04:12 AM (#4223343) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Gambling by Monty Carlo |
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28 May 25 - 04:15 AM (#4223344) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred It's A Holdup by Nick R Elastic |
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28 May 25 - 04:19 AM (#4223345) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Pub Crawl by Carrie Meholm |
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28 May 25 - 04:26 AM (#4223346) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred I Love Mathematics by Adam Hup |
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28 May 25 - 06:13 AM (#4223349) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Tyrant Of The Potatoes by Dick Tater |
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28 May 25 - 10:58 AM (#4223367) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Fifty Yards To The outhouse by Willie Maykit; Forward by Betty Wont |
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28 May 25 - 11:06 AM (#4223368) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Deception by Miss Lead |
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28 May 25 - 11:21 AM (#4223369) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor The Unknown Rodent by A. Nonny Mouse |
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28 May 25 - 11:38 AM (#4223370) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor V.D.: Nothing to Clap About by I.P. Screaming |
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28 May 25 - 12:05 PM (#4223373) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred The Death Penalty by X E Cautioner French Cooking by Sue Flat Artificial Clothing by Polly Ester |
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28 May 25 - 12:12 PM (#4223374) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Flay not Flat. It's Gilly's fault - got me in a flap :-D |
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28 May 25 - 12:27 PM (#4223377) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor What the F by Fred Flap |
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28 May 25 - 01:13 PM (#4223384) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Falling from trees by R. Stornaway. |
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28 May 25 - 01:58 PM (#4223386) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred You guys will have to manage without me for a while. I know it's hard but you'll have to try lol. Going up to Aberdeenshire for a couple of weeks - the wife, our two daughters, the dog and me. Stay safe, hope you have good weather, see ya when we get back. All the best Fred |
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28 May 25 - 02:10 PM (#4223387) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome I'm selling my John Lennon vinyl collection on Ebay Imagine all the PayPal... |
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29 May 25 - 06:33 AM (#4223423) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Snitches get Stitches by Ima Ratt. |
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29 May 25 - 09:54 AM (#4223432) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor A Field Guide to UFOs by I.M. Nutz |
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29 May 25 - 12:29 PM (#4223443) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Just a quick one from my holiday chateau ;-) Smart Beer Making by Bud Wiser |
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30 May 25 - 02:56 AM (#4223474) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red I seem to be coming up with real people - How about the Democrat's envoy to the Middle East? Anthony Blinken. He used to be in a rock group and traded as.......... (refer back to politics) A Blinken I bet he was nervous playing at theatres! |
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30 May 25 - 04:02 AM (#4223476) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred School Sports by Jim Nasium Not too Hot Not Too Cold by Lou Quarm The Apiarist by Bea Hives Pancakes by Mabel Sirrup |
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30 May 25 - 04:12 AM (#4223477) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred And last from me: Leaflet Design by Pam Flett |
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30 May 25 - 07:08 AM (#4223484) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Pamphlet Design by Leif Lett even! |
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30 May 25 - 08:28 AM (#4223486) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred An History Of Rabbits by Bunny Warren |
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30 May 25 - 08:39 AM (#4223487) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Suspended by Dan Glynn Right, that's me, I've got to get on. Later Fred |
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30 May 25 - 03:05 PM (#4223498) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred It Wasn't Me by Ivan Alibi |
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31 May 25 - 03:19 PM (#4223541) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Archaeology by Roxanne Minerals Living On A Budget by Penny Pincher |
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31 May 25 - 03:25 PM (#4223542) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Sorry Geology by Roxanne Minerals Too much wine lol Fred |
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31 May 25 - 04:33 PM (#4223544) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Alternative fuels, by Vin Diesel |
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04 Jun 25 - 02:37 PM (#4223751) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Einstein developed his theory about space and it was about time too. |
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06 Jun 25 - 02:34 AM (#4223806) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome He would have made a good Doctor Who :-) I just saw an advert for a pen that can write underwater. Dunno if it can write other words... |
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06 Jun 25 - 04:26 AM (#4223812) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Thirst Quenchers by Bev Arage Lumberjack by Tim Burr |
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08 Jun 25 - 04:06 AM (#4223889) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Broken Window by Eva Brick Chinese Arsonist by Kin Dling |
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13 Jun 25 - 11:46 AM (#4224121) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Roger the Skiffler This made me smile today: Archaeologists have discovered a mummy's tomb. The mummy was covered in nuts and chocolate. The believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher. RtS |
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13 Jun 25 - 12:09 PM (#4224122) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred The Joys Of Motoring by Ivor Crankshaft |
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13 Jun 25 - 12:25 PM (#4224124) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred American Independence by Bertha Vanation |
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13 Jun 25 - 08:29 PM (#4224136) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Dreadful Titles by Fred Bled What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure? A rebel without a clause. What has twenty-seven actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? Six hundred and seventy-one Hallmark movies. |
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14 Jun 25 - 06:21 AM (#4224147) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome A woman had had some blood tests at her local doctors' surgery. She was unable to collect the results herself so she asked her husband to call in and pick them up for her. When he told the receptionist his wife's name, the receptionist hesitated and said "Er, just wait a minute, sir, while I call the doctor to see you..." So the doc came in and said to the bloke, "I'm really sorry Mr Smith, but when your wife came in there was another Mrs Smith in at the same time giving samples, and we've got their results mixed up..." "Well can't you just do the tests again?" "Well, the tests are very expensive and your medical insurance wouldn't finance a repeat..." "Well why not just give me the results of both women and maybe we can work it out.." "Hmmm, Well OK, but I need to tell you that one woman's tests showed that she has dementia and the other showed gonorrhoea..." "Blimey doc, so what would you advise?" "Well, if it were my wife, I'd drop her off in town for a shopping trip. If she made it home I wouldn't have sex with her..." |
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14 Jun 25 - 10:51 AM (#4224150) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Voice Amplification by Mike Raphone Coffee Maker by Phil Turr Dog's Dinner by Nora Bone |
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14 Jun 25 - 03:25 PM (#4224162) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Rain Dog Something I remember from approx. 50 to 55 years ago. You probably have to be from the same generation as myself to recognise the pun. What do you call someone who looks down rabbit holes? A burrow surveyor. |
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14 Jun 25 - 05:46 PM (#4224170) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Not sure ourAmerican friends will understand this one..who knows? You can't even go to the seaside now without witnessing violence and outrageous behaviour. There was a man and a woman on the beach arguing in front of a group of children. She actually hit him in the face and they both ended up hitting each other. A policeman arrived to sort the problem and had to use his nightstick to hit the man. However, the man wrestled the nightstick of the policeman and started beating him with it......... then a crocodile appeared and ran off with some sausages!!!! |
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15 Jun 25 - 11:41 AM (#4224207) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome That's the way to do it... :-) Use truncheon instead of nightstick though if you want it to be proper British! |
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25 Jun 25 - 04:55 PM (#4224715) Subject: Religious Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red A Preacher was ‘sounding off’ from the pulpit. “Nobody is perfect”, he said. “Hands up anyone here who thinks they are perfect”. There was no response from the congregation, so he tried again: “Hands up anyone here who is perfect “. A little man towards the back slowly raised his hand…… “Are you telling me you’re perfect?” asked the preacher, “No” said the man “I’m speaking on behalf of my wife’s first husband”. |
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27 Jun 25 - 03:44 AM (#4224765) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome I saw a man going uphill with a trolley full of four leaf clovers, horseshoes and rabbits' feet. I thought: "He's pushing his luck..." Talking of pushing his luck... How about thought for today. Try to post jokes :-D |
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27 Jun 25 - 09:57 AM (#4224774) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred As a wheel fell off a bus, the driver stopped, got out and burst into song..... "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!" |
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27 Jun 25 - 10:42 AM (#4224775) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Contempt For Human Nature by Miss Ann Thropy Amphibians by Newt and Sally Mander |
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27 Jun 25 - 10:53 AM (#4224777) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Wills by Benny Fishery |
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27 Jun 25 - 11:52 AM (#4224782) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Inevitability by Fred Soh (you inspired that one, Fred) |
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27 Jun 25 - 12:02 PM (#4224784) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Russian snooker by Inoff the Red Russian castration by Ivor Bollokov |
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27 Jun 25 - 01:20 PM (#4224786) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Glad to be of some use, Gilly. Lol |
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27 Jun 25 - 03:35 PM (#4224790) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler "Skin diseases" by Ivan Elevanitch. Robin |
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27 Jun 25 - 05:00 PM (#4224793) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Cave fsh have no eyes. |
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28 Jun 25 - 01:47 PM (#4224833) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Credit where it is due. I liked the fsh one, Don. New slant on an old joke :-) Talking of old, I went to the doctors this morning to ask him to lower my sex drive. He said, "come off it. At 72 it's all in your mind." I said, "yes, that's why I want it lowering" :-D |
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28 Jun 25 - 03:27 PM (#4224837) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred An 80-year-old man goes to his GP "Doctor, I'm not getting any fun out of sex anymore". "Not getting any fun out of sex anymore and you're eighty and your wife's seventy-nine?! When did you first notice this?!" "Twice last night then again this morning". |
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29 Jun 25 - 05:48 AM (#4224855) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk From the front-matter page of How it works: THE CAT:
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29 Jun 25 - 07:02 AM (#4224859) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor So this flasher was going to retire but he decided to stick it out for one more year. |
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29 Jun 25 - 07:15 AM (#4224861) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor In case no one's heard this one- A guy walks into his shrink's office wearing nothing but a piece of plastic wrap around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts." |
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29 Jun 25 - 07:17 AM (#4224862) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Here's a chance to bag a 300, Dave. Whoops |
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29 Jun 25 - 08:41 AM (#4224863) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Marvin the magician was bitten by his rental snake and suffered a reptile dysfunction. |
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29 Jun 25 - 09:29 AM (#4224868) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Damn you Gilly! :-D So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' |
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29 Jun 25 - 03:14 PM (#4224880) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Drinking To Excess by Al Coholic Empty Glass by Phil Ettup |
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29 Jun 25 - 05:46 PM (#4224883) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Eating Disorders by Anna Recksia |
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02 Jul 25 - 05:52 AM (#4224990) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red From Ken Dodd c 1969 - Russian Strip Tease artist - Eza Vestoff. |
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02 Jul 25 - 06:01 AM (#4224992) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Tiger's Revenge by Claude Ballz. Masectomies by Vladimir Nibblatitsov. |
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02 Jul 25 - 07:16 AM (#4224994) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Don, the second entry in your last post was crude, tasteless and the opposite of funny. Btw, weren't you banned from posting in this thread? |
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02 Jul 25 - 01:39 PM (#4225008) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Rescuing frozen cattle by Thora Hird. |
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02 Jul 25 - 04:05 PM (#4225017) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel While not banned, to gilymor's delight, I was gelded by chainsaw, acid attacked, dehumanized, defamed, and drawn and quartered. All posts are now done by AI. Long live Dave Chappel. |
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03 Jul 25 - 04:21 AM (#4225041) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Yes, Don, you were told by a moderator not to post to this thread any longer, for obvious reasons. I remember it well because you threw such a hissy fit. |
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03 Jul 25 - 06:47 AM (#4225051) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Get Rid Of Your Possessions by Lester Worriebout |
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03 Jul 25 - 07:06 AM (#4225053) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel don't look |
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04 Jul 25 - 01:46 PM (#4225146) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver I didn't Donuel!! |
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04 Jul 25 - 03:14 PM (#4225150) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel good on you mate. A guy is driving around the back woods of Maryland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard." |
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05 Jul 25 - 07:51 AM (#4225185) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome In the same vein - one from Steve :-) A chap is chatting to his butcher when a large dog comes into the shop with a bag round its neck. "Good morning Fido," sez the butcher. "And how many steaks is it today?" "Woof woof!" So the butcher puts two steaks into the dog's bag. "And how many pork chops?" "Woof woof woof woof!" So into the bag go four chops. "And how many pounds of mince?" "Woof woof woof!" In go the three pounds of mince. The butcher takes a twenty pound note out of the side pocket of the bag and puts some small change back in. Off trots the dog on its way home. The chap is so impressed that he decides to follow the dog home to see what happens next. When the dog arrives at its house, it barks like mad and scratches at the front door. A woman opens the door and in goes the dog. The chap sez to her, "Excuse me, but I just have to say that you have a remarkably clever dog there..." "Huh, he's not as clever as you think," sez she. "That's the third time this week that he's forgotten his key..." |
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06 Jul 25 - 10:12 AM (#4225246) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Why doesn't a pterodactyl make any noise when it urinates? The “p” is silent. |
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06 Jul 25 - 11:31 AM (#4225247) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Ach, gillymor: That reminds me of the time (which I'm sure I must have mentioned before) when we took Socrates and Ptolemy to the vet's for the first time. The receptionist read the card, and was saying "Socrates, and .... I don't know how to pronounce this ....", and I missed the opportunity of a lifetime to say "the P is silent, as in 'bath'". |
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06 Jul 25 - 12:41 PM (#4225251) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Fading Away by Peter Innout |
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07 Jul 25 - 01:14 PM (#4225296) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome And you always have to watch for the silent P in Wranglers... |
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09 Jul 25 - 09:07 AM (#4225394) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver A young lady went to a tattoo parlour and asked for a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh.. She takes off her trousers and panties and the tattooist does one which she is not happy with so he does one of her other inner thigh but she is still not happy. He gets a bit exasperated and says that he will get a lady off the street to look at them and if she doesn't recognise who it is she can have them for free. He brings a lady in and asks her if she recognises the tattooed faces. She said. 'Well I don't recognise the twins but the one in the middle is Trump!!! |
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09 Jul 25 - 10:11 AM (#4225396) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome A 96-year-old man is sitting alone in the corner in a pub enjoying his pint. But two little old ladies on the other side of the bar have spotted him and they keep on talking and pointing to him. Eventually, one of them goes over to the man and she says, "Excuse me, but we think we know you. Weren't you part of a strong man act sometime ago?" The old man says, "Well yes I was. But that was an awful long time ago, at least 60 years!" The old woman said to him, "I seem to remember as part of your act in those days you could bend an iron bar over your willy! Can you still do that trick?" So he said to her,"Well, I can't do that anymore because my wrists have gone.-... *** Dunno about that bloke but I am getting stronger as I get older. When I was 27 I couldn't bend my willy. Now, at 72, I find it easy |
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09 Jul 25 - 10:22 AM (#4225399) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric "I'm sorry miss, I can't allow you to come in here topless" "But I have a perfect right" "Your left isn't bad either, but your still nor coming in." |
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13 Jul 25 - 05:46 AM (#4225562) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Trump had his periodic colonoscopy last week, they didn't find anything but his head. |
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13 Jul 25 - 09:54 AM (#4225571) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Goodbye Cruel World by Sue Acide Harassment by Percy Kuwshiun |
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13 Jul 25 - 10:21 AM (#4225575) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric The lawyer said, “Your honour, he was a drunk as a judge” The judge said “You mean as drunk as a lord?” The lawyer said “Yes, sorry m’ Lord” Just then a man wearing a top coat, cap, and scarf came into the courtroom and ran around all the females present feeling their breasts. The next day the newspaper said “At the lawyers comment, a muffled titter ran around the courtroom” |
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13 Jul 25 - 10:56 AM (#4225578) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Found this, once I'd waded through the small ads in The Compleat Ankh-Morpork City Guide, and discovered the Clubs and Societies section:
The nearby panel advertisement shows a chap sat on a chair playing a piano-accordion, with a notice on the wall behind him saying DO NOT DISTURB. At his side is a woman sitting arms folded, with a facial expression best described as "seriously dischuffed, but determined to not explode .... yet". |
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14 Jul 25 - 06:08 AM (#4225604) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, but set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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15 Jul 25 - 08:23 AM (#4225681) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor I asked my wife if she'd still love me if I was old and overweight. She replied "Yes, I Do". |
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15 Jul 25 - 02:30 PM (#4225698) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Breaking The Law by Kermit A. Krime |
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15 Jul 25 - 02:53 PM (#4225701) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Grave Mistakes by Paul Bearer Military Rules by Marshall Law Funny B*stards by Joe Kerr Get Out There by Sally Forth My Lost Causes by Noah Veil |
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16 Jul 25 - 08:58 AM (#4225735) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel |
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16 Jul 25 - 09:47 AM (#4225738) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Patient: I'm a little nervous, doctor. This is my first operation. Doctor: Mine too. |
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16 Jul 25 - 11:34 AM (#4225749) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Animal Illnesses by Ann Thrax |
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16 Jul 25 - 11:38 AM (#4225750) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Mexican Revenge by Monte Zuma |
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16 Jul 25 - 12:26 PM (#4225752) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Pampering by Molly Coddle |
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16 Jul 25 - 12:30 PM (#4225753) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Looking Younger by Fay Slift |
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16 Jul 25 - 12:34 PM (#4225754) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred The Nudist Camp by Seymour Butts |
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16 Jul 25 - 02:25 PM (#4225761) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred One for musicians: More Of A Lute Than A Guitar by Amanda Lynne |
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16 Jul 25 - 03:41 PM (#4225765) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red From an old-fashioned squareish Volvo from the early 90s and obviously still going strong. "I do not identify as a Polestar! & "If it leaks oil, it has got oil" |
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16 Jul 25 - 07:20 PM (#4225772) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Mr Red, could you please elucidate, I haven't a clue what you are on about! |
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17 Jul 25 - 05:24 AM (#4225777) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat? |
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17 Jul 25 - 07:29 AM (#4225782) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Mapping Your Country by Sir Veigh |
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17 Jul 25 - 07:38 AM (#4225783) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Leather Preparation by Tanya Hyde Life Before Cars by Orson Buggy Helping Hand by Abel N. Willin |
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17 Jul 25 - 07:38 AM (#4225784) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Pete Hegseth just installed a new alternative fax machine. The problem with Trump jokes is that Republicans don't think they are funny, and Democrats don't think they are jokes. What did the new weather service say when asked how to respond to Hurricane Sally? “Pay her less than Stormy Daniels!” |
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18 Jul 25 - 06:33 AM (#4225827) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor The problem with CEOs is that the 90% who are crooked give the rest a bad name. |
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18 Jul 25 - 10:19 AM (#4225833) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk A chain of comments a historical article in The Register on the Smoot (a unit of length .... ach, read the article):
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18 Jul 25 - 10:27 AM (#4225834) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Is there a joke in there somewhere? |
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18 Jul 25 - 10:35 AM (#4225836) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk I thought there was, but there was a puff of wind, and .... |
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18 Jul 25 - 10:40 AM (#4225838) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Perhaps we need a thread named something like "Things I Find Humorous", it might help keep the joke stream running clear. I won't start it but I'd probably contribute to it. |
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18 Jul 25 - 04:57 PM (#4225856) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel That's the spirit. You tend to your stream and we'll tend to ours. Crossing the streams is not as dangerous as first feared. “Why worry? Each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on our back.” “Yep. Now, switch me on." |
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19 Jul 25 - 02:51 AM (#4225873) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Yebbut some streams stink and splashing them over everyone else's shoes is not on |
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19 Jul 25 - 05:24 AM (#4225879) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred A couple go into a restaurant. The man orders two bowls of soup as a starter. When the waiter returns, the man notices that he has his thumb in his, so he says "If you're thumb's cold, why don't you shove it up your ass?!" and the waiter says "Well, I do when I'm in the kitchen!" -F |
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19 Jul 25 - 08:48 AM (#4225893) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy I made up a new word! I call it Plagiarism. |
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19 Jul 25 - 09:09 AM (#4225894) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor That's a good one. I'm stealing it. |
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19 Jul 25 - 03:18 PM (#4225918) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Gilly - Here's a vote for you to stay. -F |
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20 Jul 25 - 10:44 AM (#4225959) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel They say it's best to have unlikely relationships and when disagreeing, to not be disagreeable, so a few advanced alien lifeforms have learned to share their observation of Earth. A first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves." |
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20 Jul 25 - 12:10 PM (#4225961) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred My Motorcycle Accident by Kay Moffitt |
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22 Jul 25 - 05:02 AM (#4226038) Subject: Things I find amusing From: Mr Red After dancing with an elderly dancer she says "that was energetic I am sweating" Says I with a knowing smile "was it good for you?" after just enough delay to prove the ambiguity had registered - she laughs gently and reflectively. Remembering something. cue joke police |
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22 Jul 25 - 07:27 AM (#4226043) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel In a discussion in physics class about the Fermi paradox, a young student asked, " What's a billion years of difference in evolution among friends?" The professor quickly answered, "It's about the same difference between a Mimosa plant and Einstein." |
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22 Jul 25 - 02:55 PM (#4226059) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver I asked God what would our lifetime be in His reckoning He told me it would be less than a second. asked God 'What would £1,000,000 be like if it were yours...God replied that it would never be but that a million pounds would be like a penny to Him. I said to Him...'Can I have one of your pennies'? He replied 'Of course my son..just wait a second' |
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24 Jul 25 - 06:19 AM (#4226145) Subject: chip designer's joke From: Mr Red One from Don Macmillan who does very funny jokes with PowerPoint. Why is the Higgs Boson the Pope's favourite particle? Because without the Higgs, there would be no mass. he was a chip designer at IBM |
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24 Jul 25 - 07:50 AM (#4226149) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred What is God's favourite chord? Gsus |
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24 Jul 25 - 01:33 PM (#4226172) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric My brother is a lovely girl. She's my transister. |
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24 Jul 25 - 04:04 PM (#4226182) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Stolen from the comments section for Stop flooding us with AI-based grant applications, begs Health Institute in (surprise) The Register:
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24 Jul 25 - 06:26 PM (#4226190) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Perhaps in the wrong thread? |
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26 Jul 25 - 09:20 AM (#4226251) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy I am resisting reposting my joke about plagiarism! |
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26 Jul 25 - 10:40 AM (#4226257) Subject: you either think it's a joke or you don't From: Mr Red I "cooked" up a joke about Marmite, it's a crocker......... I tell 'em better (in a Frank Carson voice) but I can't tell you it's in bad taste |
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27 Jul 25 - 06:27 AM (#4226288) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver There is a joke about margarine too but not heard it lately as people are not spreading it. |
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27 Jul 25 - 09:03 AM (#4226297) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Roger the Skiffler Have you heard the covers band Paper? Apparently they only cover Rock. RtS |
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27 Jul 25 - 03:01 PM (#4226306) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy What' a moslem's favorite Mexican dish? Inchalladas! |
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28 Jul 25 - 10:42 AM (#4226351) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver I told a friend the joke about the wall....He couldn't get over it. |
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28 Jul 25 - 04:46 PM (#4226365) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Waiting For Dinner by Sally Vating |
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29 Jul 25 - 08:46 AM (#4226375) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel A husband would always turn the lights on when he initiated a romantic encounter, but his wife would then turn them off. One day, he said, "I am surprised you still feel shy and turn off the lights". The wife said, "That's so cute. You think it's me, I don't want you to see". |
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31 Jul 25 - 04:41 PM (#4226515) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred What's the difference between a banjo player and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four. |
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01 Aug 25 - 07:35 AM (#4226569) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Pete Seeger fed his family despite the banjo because of good ideas. What urban creature keeps musical time? A metro-gnome. |
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01 Aug 25 - 08:00 AM (#4226571) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel There are 3 high temples of materialism in America, 1. The Mega Prosperity Churches. 2. TV shows like The Price is Right and Let's Make a Deal, which is more honest since you run a one in three chance of getting a worthless Zonk deal. 3. Then there is the new Presidency. |
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01 Aug 25 - 10:01 AM (#4226576) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Yesterday I was in Gainsborough and found myself behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed in ice. Oops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called Lincoln Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck." |
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01 Aug 25 - 12:24 PM (#4226579) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Sorry Don. We don't keep time. We built the Paris underground train system. |
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02 Aug 25 - 08:38 AM (#4226623) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Shooting at Stones by Rick O'Shea |
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07 Aug 25 - 01:11 PM (#4226845) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel How to be Irritating by Nancy Mace Nancy Mace calls herself Trump in high heels |
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08 Aug 25 - 10:34 AM (#4226894) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Couple of Yorkshire jokes from my fellow ex-pat Lancastrian :-D Q. How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a light bulb? A. Eyup, lad, it's not that dark... A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed. He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. He'd asked for his family to be gathered in his bedroom to say their goodbyes. “Is me darling wife here wi' me?” “Yes, love, I'm here..." “And me son, is he 'ere in t'bedroom wi' me?” “Aye, dad, I’m here.” "Warrabout me lovely daughter?" "Aye, dad, here I am, and all your grandkids are here too. Everybody's here..." “Then why's bloody light still on in t' front room?” |
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10 Aug 25 - 08:09 AM (#4226966) Subject: a dancing joke From: Mr Red At a dance in Sidmouth I commented when the name of the dance was called. The caller thought it so excruciating he decided to repeat it. Probably in his repertoire now. He "Bishop" Me "Mitres Well" The groans from the assembled dancers were very rewarding. |
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10 Aug 25 - 05:38 PM (#4226984) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Those who hate speeding tickets, raise your right foot Those in favour of glove puppets, put your hand up. |
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12 Aug 25 - 04:36 PM (#4227070) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Donald Trump is flying over Washington DC. He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people lucky!" Don Jr. looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy." Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!" Melania turns to him and says, "Master, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people as pleased as punch!" Donald looks at her and says, "That is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!" The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people ecstatic?" |
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14 Aug 25 - 05:12 AM (#4227121) Subject: Quantum Joke for 2025 From: Mr Red A quantum computer start-up in Australia - PsiQuantum - one of its four co-founders - is the grandson of Erwin Schrödinger source New Scientist - though he must be an investor, not listed on website. But as PR goes - it goes a long way So the fate of his cat may hang eternally in the balance but his name lives. |
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14 Aug 25 - 05:16 AM (#4227122) Subject: due diligence From: Mr Red er, the name just died! Terry Rudolph Note to self.......... read the small print |
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14 Aug 25 - 10:08 AM (#4227127) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Found this in Genius at Play (a book about the mathematician John Conway): Conway was at a pig-roast, at which it happened that there was a table of French speakers, and another of English speakers (including Conway). A French person gestures to two spare chairs at the latter table, and asks, "May we?" CONWAY: Mais oui! It is his proudest pun, of which he's said, "I've been trying to set it up again ever since." |
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16 Aug 25 - 07:04 PM (#4227244) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel The car repair shop that fixes cars whose symptoms disappear when brought to the dealership uses excarcisms and is called 'The power of Chrysler compels you'. |
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17 Aug 25 - 03:52 PM (#4227273) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric A lot of people say "Donald Trump is a piece of shit" But they don't say that on the Isle of Lewis, where his mother came from. They say "Donald Trump is a piece o' shite". |
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18 Aug 25 - 08:35 AM (#4227313) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel ...a rare real lol... |
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24 Aug 25 - 03:16 AM (#4227564) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Just found this in an unrelated context: How to Use a Microwave Without Summoning Satan
Go safely when you cook, folks. |
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26 Aug 25 - 11:45 AM (#4227692) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red The Welsh for Microwave (Oven) is: Poppty Ping The literal translation for poppty is "oven" - note to Cymraigophones that is what Google thinks also "popty microdon". & I did buy a packet of Welsh Cakes that declared - "Poppty Jones" - Jones the Baker I guess. |
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27 Aug 25 - 07:40 AM (#4227717) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Just saw this ....
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28 Aug 25 - 06:21 AM (#4227750) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk New terms I haven't seen before: in answer to "does anyone have one [a PDP11/73] to test it on?", someone said:
There then followed a discussion on the possible Freudian slip for "filing system", concluded by:
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29 Aug 25 - 09:55 AM (#4227798) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven say a lot about the anticipated traffic numbers. |
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29 Aug 25 - 03:35 PM (#4227803) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Infants and toddlers can be aggravating and loud, so god made a baptism rule to get into heaven. Recently, god made the cutoff at 24 hours after birth. Heaven is much quieter now. Rules are rules. |
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31 Aug 25 - 03:36 PM (#4227882) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred A preacher has fallen through a rope bridge crossing a raging river. He's managed to grab a rope and is dangling in mid-air. A man calls to him from the bridge "Do you need any help preacher?" "No, no. I've put my faith in God, he'll look after me". A boat comes along and the skipper tells him to drop to the deck "No, no. I've put my faith in God, he won't let me down". The preacher eventually falls into the river and is eaten by a crocodile. He gets to Heaven and says to God "I've served you, had faith in you - what happened?" And God says "Well, I don't know, I sent a man and a boat..." -F |
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06 Sep 25 - 04:41 PM (#4228164) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel In Chicago with troops in the streets, the Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!" Trump replied, "Bullshit. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope slapped him hard in the face and the crowd went wild! |
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07 Sep 25 - 09:38 AM (#4228191) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Well done, Don! That was actually a joke :-D Mind you, it would never happen. If the Pope was wearing his frock, Trump would try to shag him... |
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07 Sep 25 - 09:39 AM (#4228192) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Oh, and 400 :-D |
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08 Sep 25 - 07:56 PM (#4228273) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy What has two butts and kills people? An assassin! |
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08 Sep 25 - 08:29 PM (#4228279) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Dave, Trump's Erectile dysfunction is so severe the only thing Viagra makes hard is his heart arteries. |
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12 Sep 25 - 07:52 AM (#4228444) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel In the US, reading for fun is down by 40% but an exception is a series of books for older people called 'Night of the Assisted Living Dead'. |
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14 Sep 25 - 06:42 AM (#4228551) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome One from Steve :-) An undertaker decided to update his fleet of cars, so he had them converted via AI to self-driving. He thought he'd better try one out before using them for real funerals, so he took it to the edge of a lake, fully expecting it to stop automatically at the edge of the water. Unfortunately, it didn't, and the poor chap was drowned. The moral? You can take the hearse to the water but you can't make it think... |
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14 Sep 25 - 06:48 AM (#4228552) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Reminded me of the African tribal chieftan who had a golden throne made. It was so beautiful that after a while he decided he had better hide it away in case someone tried to steal it so he hoisted it up to the rafters of his home where no-one could find it. Trouble was, his house was made in the traditional manner with Wattle and daub walls and a grass thatched roof. It couldn't hold all that weight and the roof eventually collapsed. He was in at the time and when the throne fell it killed him :-( Just goes to prove that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones... |
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14 Sep 25 - 08:51 AM (#4228556) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel The chairman of a local MAGA cell decides to go check how his fellow conservatives are doing. He walks into a MAGA revenge rally and sits down. Before the rally starts, there are 15 minutes of Trump propaganda, with him giving a boring speech "like no one has ever seen". Everyone stands up and starts wildly clapping and cheering. The local chairman is so inspired that he is frozen, soaking in the love. A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his right bends over and whispers directly in his ear. " I know how you feel, but if you don't want to be deported, you'd better stand up and clap." |
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17 Sep 25 - 05:33 AM (#4228672) Subject: a viol joke From: Mr Red How to tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle 1) a violin has a brown neck at the end, a fiddle has a redneck. 2) a violin has strings, a fiddle has strangs. 3) look at the nut holding the bow 4) the beer stains from Words Unraveled videos Bonus quip = "As new Theremin for sale - untouched" |
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18 Sep 25 - 04:12 AM (#4228766) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Then there is the fella who invented a clockwork rectum So he could wind up an asshole. |
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20 Sep 25 - 03:14 PM (#4228948) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver She must have been a pilots daughter because she had a fur lined cockpit! She was the Tobacconists daughter..best shag in town! She was the telegraphers daughter and she didit didit didit! |
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24 Sep 25 - 06:26 AM (#4229132) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver The new manageress arrived at the Care Home. She called a meeting of all staff and residents and told them that male resident rooms are out of bounds for female residents and vice versa. Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined £10 the first time, £20 the second time and £50 the third time…….. An eighty two year old lady stood up and demanded ‘’So how much is a season ticket’’?? |
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25 Sep 25 - 06:01 PM (#4229242) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Tylenol is the new bleach |
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25 Sep 25 - 06:49 PM (#4229243) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel You can't make a joke about a comedian's free speech. Because by the time you're done, they've already tried to cancel you for not being funny enough. Knock knock. Who's there? Free Speech. Shut up and use the fucking doorbell. |
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26 Sep 25 - 05:21 AM (#4229256) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Donuel~?~?~?~? Do doorbells have sex~? |
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26 Sep 25 - 08:59 AM (#4229265) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel No, but many of them are now voyeurs. |
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27 Sep 25 - 09:23 AM (#4229295) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Donuel - that is funny |
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28 Sep 25 - 06:49 AM (#4229324) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red The spread of COVID was caused by: 1) A dense population 2) A dense population |
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29 Sep 25 - 01:19 PM (#4229422) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome I was walking through the graveyard earlier and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone I said "'moring" He replied "No, just having a shit" |
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29 Sep 25 - 04:54 PM (#4229429) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Elon Musk wants to send people to Mars. I think we can all agree that he is the most creative serial killer of all time. |
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03 Oct 25 - 03:46 AM (#4229596) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red "most creative serial killer" Grain of truth there. just a "rye" thought but what will they grow & eat when they get there? |
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03 Oct 25 - 06:52 AM (#4229599) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Pomme d'terre merde? |
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04 Oct 25 - 08:01 AM (#4229645) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel In the movie Martian, poop fertilized potatoes was the main course. Yum. |
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23 Oct 25 - 05:13 AM (#4230531) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel On a crisp October evening, our family was roasting marshmallows and making S'mores when we heard a commotion. The house across the street was on fire! We all ran over to the house and saw our neighbors had rescued their dogs as flames grew high. The neighbor's wife looked up amid the sirens in the distance and sobbed 'How could you?" starring right at us. We looked down and saw we all had marshmallows on a stick. |
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23 Oct 25 - 10:47 AM (#4230541) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver The new manageress arrived at the Care Home. She called a meeting of all staff and residents and told them that male resident rooms are out of bounds for female residents and vice versa. Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $10 the first time, $20 the second time and $50 the third time…….. An eighty two year old lady stood up and demanded ‘’So how much is a season ticket’’?? |
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24 Oct 25 - 02:53 AM (#4230577) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Pomme d'terre merde? Hold the gravy............... |
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27 Oct 25 - 08:22 AM (#4230714) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red I just came across a suggestion for an addition to the game of chess. A piece called the executive. It can move in any direction to any square. I can't be taken or take, it just "gets in the way". |
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27 Oct 25 - 01:57 PM (#4230722) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel This Halloween will be without cheap Chinese products, but the Trump zombies will search to fire the remaining brains, witches will fly off their broom handles, and ghouls without costumes will get whole brain bread because of the high price of chocolate. "There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies." Why is the pedophile's favorite holiday Halloween? Free delivery. What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump-kin Why did the witch divorce the warlock? Because he had a hollow weenie. Why don’t witches wear panties? Better grip on the broom |
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27 Oct 25 - 04:57 PM (#4230728) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome I must be getting old. I can remember when this was a joke thread |
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28 Oct 25 - 11:57 AM (#4230752) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D "joke" has become a catch word for any vaguely humorous utterance.. Puns, riddles, limericks...etc. Even actual attempts at relating real jokes are often trite and lame with silly premises, edited references and awkward punch lines. |
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29 Oct 25 - 04:27 AM (#4230777) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome I know, Bill. It's a joke... |
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29 Oct 25 - 08:24 AM (#4230782) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel I was going to joke about construction, but I’m still working on it. I was going to joke about time travel, but time ran out. I was going to joke about electricity, but it was shocking. I was going to joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy. I was going to joke about chemistry, but I didn’t get a reaction. I was going to joke about stairs, but it was a step down. I was going to joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell you later. I was going to joke about paper, but it was tearable. I was going to joke about infinity, but it never ends. I was going to a joke about an elevator, but it let me down. I was going to make a joke about gardening, but I drought its funny.. I was going to joke about math, but it didn’t add up. You should write the official rules of the joke, pass a law and convict perpetrators who break your rules. Author itarians love that shit. |
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29 Oct 25 - 11:19 AM (#4230799) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk One for the mathematicians in our midst:
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29 Oct 25 - 11:29 AM (#4230800) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric I don't suppose any of you useless pathetic tossers have any ideas why I just can't seem to get on with people? |
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29 Oct 25 - 12:28 PM (#4230804) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard There are 10 kinds of persons - those that understand binary numbers, and the others. |
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29 Oct 25 - 03:12 PM (#4230808) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red There are two sorts of people in the world. those taht divide the world into two sorts of people, and those ............................. that don't |
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30 Oct 25 - 03:56 AM (#4230833) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Seeing as jokes now seem to be anything that the teller finds vaguely amusing... What do you call a penguin with a wooden leg? Albert Comedy store here I come :-) |
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30 Oct 25 - 09:37 AM (#4230854) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Did you hear about the polar bear that came up from a hole in the ice and said "radio"? No.. well, what about the polar bear who was taking a shower and called to his wife, "Please hand me the soap"? She replied, "No soap, honey... radio!" Still not sure? Then think about the polar bear who was driving his sports car when he was stopped by the police. The policeman said, "Okay, let's see your license!" He replied, "Polar bears don't have driving licenses, but I have a radio!" If you still don't get it, tell these to some friends..... |
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30 Oct 25 - 10:50 AM (#4230855) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk I thought it was: Two sorts of people: those who divide the world into two sorts of people, and the rest of us. .... but what I really came here to quote (from guess where) was:
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30 Oct 25 - 02:44 PM (#4230875) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red A misanthrope, a narcissist and a joke policeman went into a pub. The barman said to him "That's just not funny" |
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31 Oct 25 - 04:59 AM (#4230968) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Did you hear about the bloke who was told his jokes were crap? He saw red and attacked his critics... |
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31 Oct 25 - 04:15 PM (#4230985) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel There will never be anything as beautiful as a... heckler critic with his head up his ass. or a tree. The kindest and most empathetic treatment of the critic is here. |
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02 Nov 25 - 08:58 AM (#4231057) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick A deaf and dumb accountant was working for a Mafia family. When it was realised that large amounts of money were missing, the Don sent some heavies round to to the accountant’s appartment with a sign language interpreter. “Ask him where the money is” says one of the mobsters. The interpreter signs the question and the accountant signs back: “What money?” “The Don’s account is down by 10 G’s. We know he took the money. Ask him again!” The interpreter duly signs the question and gets back the reply “Honest, I don’t know what you are talking about”. The mobster draws a gun and says “Tell him he’s got one minute ro come up with the dough or I’ll blow his brains out”. This time, the accountant signs back “OK, OK! It’s under the floor boards in the next room. Please don’t kill me”. “What did he say?” asks the mobster. The interpreter replies “He says you can go and **** yourself”. DC |
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02 Nov 25 - 10:01 AM (#4231062) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Sorry Doug but that is an actual joke... :-D |
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03 Nov 25 - 04:09 AM (#4231076) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Did you hear about the bloke who was told his jokes were crap? He saw red and attacked his critics... Methinks the laddie doth protest too much. |
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03 Nov 25 - 08:37 AM (#4231087) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick A couple lived on a remote farm. One winter's night there was a particularly heavy snowfall, so much so that the woman was unable to make it home. When she arrived the next morning, she told her husband that she had stayed at friend's house. Suspicious, he phoned round her ten best friends and one of them did, in fact, confitm that she had stayed over. The next winter. It was the husband's turn to get stranded and claimed to have stayed over with one of his drinking buddies. When his wife phoned round his ten best friends, six of them confirmed that he stayed with them and two reckoned that he was still there. DC |
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06 Nov 25 - 05:39 AM (#4231240) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick A husband and wife, both teachers, lived in house facing a bank on the opposite side of the road. One day, as they were arriving home from work, they witnessed an attempted armed robbery taking place outside the bank. The quick thinking security van driver put the van into gear and drove away, leaving the frustrated would-be robbers to make a dash to their get-away car and speed off, empty handed, in the opposite direction. After it was all over, the couple saw a bag lying on the floor where the security van had been. They picked it up and peeked inside. It was full of money. It must have fallen from the van when it drove off with its side door open. They took it inside the house and counted the cash. It came to £5,000. "We'll have to take it to the police station to hand it in" said the husband. "No we won't" replied his wife "Finders keepers!" "But that would be dishonest" he said. "The insurance company will sort the bank out. They will just assume that the robbers took it. It's about time a bit of good fortune came our way. I'm going to hide it in the attic. If we spend it bit by bit, nobody will be any the wiser". "Well I don't approve. I don't approve at all". The next day, the police were going from house to house, asking the locals if they had seen anything that could be useful to the investigation. When they knocked on the couple's door, she said "No, I didn't see anything. I was in the back garden at the time. I like keep myself to myself". Just then her husband shouts from living room, "DON'T BELIEVE HER! She's got £5,000 hidden in the attic". "Don't pay any attention my husband" says the woman in an anxious tone. "He's going senile!" "Even so madam, I think we need to talk to him" said the policeman. "Now then sir, what can you tell us about yesterday?" "Well, Jane and I were walking home from school ..." "Thank you madam" interrupts the policeman, "We've got a lot of doors to knock on. I'll leave you to look after your husband". DC |
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06 Nov 25 - 09:40 AM (#4231245) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: The Sandman humour is subjective , i do not find [DC] your post at all funny. it is rather sad, not a joke at all |
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06 Nov 25 - 05:02 PM (#4231268) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Keep them coming Doug |
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09 Nov 25 - 10:42 AM (#4231410) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver At last I have found a dating site for people of my age.......It's called 'Carbon Dating' |
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09 Nov 25 - 11:20 AM (#4231412) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Editorial remarks are the least funny of all. Parents used to teach their young, 'if you don't have something good to say don't say anything' at all. Of course, hearing what you don't get or find humorous by text is on the ridiculous side. My girlfriend told me she was on birth control, but it wasn’t true. Turns out she’s dyslexic and got a DUI. Germans don't need birth control. Instead, they have a repellent sense of humor. |
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11 Nov 25 - 06:03 AM (#4231501) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Donuel Have you ever asked your GF how she manages to e-mail the Dyslexia Society? Oh! That DUI, she wasn't texting "you" while driving was she? :) |
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11 Nov 25 - 12:01 PM (#4231517) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome I've given up on the "jokes" I'm afraid. As someone said, it is all subjective and I am not prepared to subject myself to any more! Hopefully someone will start a new one for 2026 but it will not be me. |
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11 Nov 25 - 05:44 PM (#4231543) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red "I call my girlfriend Apostrophe ............. she is so possessive". (Frankie Howard 1973) Who of course couldn't possibly be funny, now could he? |
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12 Nov 25 - 03:33 AM (#4231549) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: BobL I once knew a girl called Simile - dunno what I met her for. Th old ones are still the best... |
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14 Nov 25 - 01:32 PM (#4231617) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Ernie, in his eighties, was admitted to a care home some years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. A Senior staff member, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door of the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Suuupersexxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'. Michael J Hill Feb 1998. |
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19 Nov 25 - 11:33 AM (#4231762) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red While we are on lexicographical humour. Did you know you can't run through a campground? You can only ran, because it's past tents. I am sure there is a lot more scope with tentative jokes. |
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19 Nov 25 - 02:29 PM (#4231767) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Imade my campsite next to the precinct and the cops arrested me for loitering within tent. |
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19 Nov 25 - 04:35 PM (#4231773) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel The greatest divide between American humor and other countries is probably due to the satirical Mad Magazine. |
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19 Nov 25 - 05:06 PM (#4231778) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash No Donuel, Utter nonsense. Fifty odd years ago myself and many friends bought Mad Magazine and thought it was brilliant and still do. |
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20 Nov 25 - 04:30 AM (#4231789) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver As a UK resident Donuel, I have considered your humour as non existent....I'm so sorry if I have misjudged it!!! As you say, it must be the greatest divide!!!! |
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25 Nov 25 - 08:12 AM (#4232077) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red A guy, feeling his age, goes to the doc and says "if I press my finger to my forehead, it hurts, if it is shoulder it hurts, poke my knee it hurts" The doctor says "Hm..... Clear case of broken finger" Jay Leno, 2025 |
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25 Nov 25 - 03:27 PM (#4232097) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Kids and corporations are alike. They literally can't wait for Christmas, they profit enormously and then lay off jobs. |
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25 Nov 25 - 04:53 PM (#4232102) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric I love kids. In my spare time I’m a clown and I do kid’s parties. I call myself Budum Budum Why? Because thats the noise kids make. Well they do when you run over them in a Volvo. |
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26 Nov 25 - 08:40 AM (#4232131) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Billed in ElReg comments as a "very old joke":
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03 Dec 25 - 09:24 AM (#4232451) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Having been married a few times, I started to realise that there is one special type of food that makes a woman slowly lose her sex drive.....It's called ........wedding cake. |
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04 Dec 25 - 07:43 AM (#4232495) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Why does Raggedy Anne wear a scarlet letter A? Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's nose saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!" |
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04 Dec 25 - 09:50 AM (#4232503) Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Swiped from ElReg comments:
.... Was there not a song about this? sigh: now I've got "press Two to get despair" running around in my head in hobnail boots. |
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05 Dec 25 - 06:26 AM (#4232530) Subject: RE: tie a yellow ribbon From: Donuel Tap thee times for clinical depression. Once on the pipe, if you just want to fight. |