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03 Jun 00 - 10:52 AM (#237839) Subject: elvis in Scotland From: little john cameron Ah hope ye dinnae mind but ah stertit a new threed as this is a bit lang.Anyhoo here goes. By Ingrid MacPherson Fears continue to grow over the sanity of Glen Lachart resident, "Mad" Tam Macmillan, following his continued claims that the ghost of Rock & Roll icon Elvis Presley haunts his chimney.
As reported in previous issues of The Star, Tam has been plagued by the Hillbilly Cat's creepy crooning ever since moving into his new house on the village High Street. Despite a lack of any sort of evidence whatsoever, Tam insists that Elvis - who died in August 1977 - resides half-way up his chimney, regularly performing such hits as "Blue Moon of Kentucky", "Heartbreak Hotel" and "Love Me Tender" at "all bloody hoors o' the mornin'". COMMANDS As if this wasn't bad enough, Tam claims that the spectral Presley has taken to giving him a series of unusual commands between songs, commands which he allegedly has "nae choice but tae follow".
"I huv tae dae whit he tells me, plain an' simple" laments Tam, "ye just dinnae argue wi' The King."
NEIGHBOUR On one occassion Tam waited by the door, ready to spring out at the first sound from outside. When a sound did come, however, it turned out to be Tam's startled next-door-neighbour, Alvin King, who'd "popped round to borrow some milk".
"Alvin must've scared Elvis aff that time, cause nae bugger touched the burger yon day."
Recently, Elvis' demands have taken a more unusual turn, with the supernatural singer ordering Tam to start shipping in some rather odd machinery which has been coming to the village in large crates filled with cosmoline and painted with Russian markings.
TANK "He wants me tae build a tank," offered Tam. "A big tank fur him tae drive aboot in."
The tank has been identified by Tam as a Russian T-34, and the pieces are alleged to have been purchased from "Krazy Ivan's Surplus" - in St. Petersburg. Known as a T-34/76 and originally built at the Chelyabinsk Tractor Works, this model was used extensively during the battle of Kursk in July 1943. According to represetatives of Ivan's Surplus the vehicle sports an 85mm cannon.
Dinnae ask me hoo Elvis is goin' tae drive it, whit wi' him bein' deid," said Tam. "One thing's for sure, though, them idjits o'er in Lachart Bridge have been askin' for trouble ever since the slaggin' they gave us when Cameron got gubbed at golf. This tank could be just the very dab for gettin' wir own back!"
Councillor Cameron himself said he "wouldn't stand" for anyone taking revenge on the residents of Lachart Bridge.
"One thing that I will definitely not tolerate is anyone driving a Russian tank along Lachart Bridge High Street and across their golf course, ruining all the greens," warned Cameron.
"And I can't stress enough how little respect I'd have for anyone who drove said tank through their club house, knocking it down like a house of cards. That wouldn't be on."
BANGING The fact that Tam is building a tank goes a long way to explain the "clanging and banging" that's been heard around Glen Lachart at night recently, and which has been discussed in the Glen Lachart forums.
Fortunately, Tam is not alone in his tank-building venture, with Alvin working along side him day and night to help him complete the heavily armoured vehicle. Unlike Tam, however, Mr King insists he has never heard a sound from the spirit of "The Pelvis".
"Alvin's awfy excited aboot gettin' this built," said Tam. "He's puttin' in an awfy lot o' work, jist tae help oot a mate. I couldnae dae it withoot him."
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03 Jun 00 - 11:00 AM (#237840) Subject: RE: BS: elvis in Scotland From: wysiwyg Couple of reactions... 1. I am getting lost in the various nationalistic threads up right now, so, I have to ask, are the Welsh generally welcomed in Scotland? 2. Tom Waits poem/tune off what I think is still his latest CD, "What's he BUILDING in There???" 3. Hardiman the Fiddler (my husband) tells a really funny story about a piece of string tied into the neighbor's house, which, when tensioned and vibrated from outside by prankish boys, makes the sound of banshees and other horrible unholy creaturs emanate from the very frame of the house. So, I have to wonder about the local prepubescents, especially knowing how important cheeseburgers can be to a good, high-testosterone growth spurt. ~S~ |
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03 Jun 00 - 11:02 AM (#237842) Subject: RE: BS: elvis in Scotland From: Jon Freeman That is hillarious! Jon |
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03 Jun 00 - 11:14 AM (#237846) Subject: RE: BS: elvis in Scotland From: Jon Freeman Let's put it put it this way Priase, I am English but live in Wales. On the times I've visted Scotland, I come from Llandudno. The only thing to watch about the Scots is they are mean - so mean that last time I was up there in 1981 travelling back on a motorbike and a little stuck (frozen to death - it was a terrible winter) we arrived in Callander bartered (we were nearly out of money) for B&B and to our suprise, there was a huge breakfast waiting for us the following morning and a chap standing over us insisting that we needed to eat it all if were going to survive the cold all the way back to North Wales. I still reckon that it must have cost them more to cook and provide the quantity of food they did than we paid for the B&B. Jon |
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03 Jun 00 - 11:28 AM (#237852) Subject: RE: BS: elvis in Scotland From: wysiwyg So if Elvis is actually Scottish, he would say, "You'reWelcomeVeryMuch"? Oh those hips in a kilt!!!! Have mercy! ~S~ |
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03 Jun 00 - 11:43 AM (#237857) Subject: RE: BS: elvis in Scotland From: little john cameron Ah Praise, the welsh, irish an' scots are aw' pretty close genenalogically, but the english are a different breed. No better or worse. jist different!!! LJC |
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03 Jun 00 - 11:46 AM (#237859) Subject: RE: BS: elvis in Scotland From: wysiwyg "I say," sez English Elvis, "You are none other than a hound dog!" "Too right, mate!" Like that? ~S~ |
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03 Jun 00 - 12:22 PM (#237867) Subject: RE: BS: elvis in Scotland From: Mbo I get sae lanely, bairn I get sae lanely, bairn I get sae lanely, I co' dee --Mbo |
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03 Jun 00 - 12:26 PM (#237869) Subject: RE: BS: elvis in Scotland From: little john cameron Guid ane, Mbo. LJC |