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BS: Just a Joke

21 Jul 00 - 03:12 AM (#261993)
Subject: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Banjo Johnny

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


New York. A police sergeant is preparing a rookie for his duties. "We're assigning you to the World Trade Center. Now, what would you do, if you have to arrest a Welshman?" Answer: "Call for backup!"

== Johnny


21 Jul 00 - 03:30 AM (#261996)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Chanteyranger

Two women are in a queue in front of a liverpool movie theatre. They see a friend walk by and invite her to join them. The friend asks what movie they're going to see. They answer, "Moby Dick." "Oh," say's their friend, "I don't go in for all these movies about sex." The two women tell her "it's not a movie about sex. It's about whales." "Well," say's the friend, "I don't go in for these foreign films, either!"


21 Jul 00 - 03:47 AM (#261999)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Racer

Once upon a time, someone figured out that we can get milk from cows. I was wondering: What was this guy doing when he figured that out?

-Racer


21 Jul 00 - 01:38 PM (#262248)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Phil Cooper

Two older women (nationality of choice) are sitting on a park bench. Says one, "I hear young Mairi's getting married." Says the other, "I didn't know she was pregnant." Says the first, "She's not." Say's the other, "Swank!."


21 Jul 00 - 02:20 PM (#262275)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Fortunato

So this (ethnicity of choice) woman goes to her doctor and this conversation takes place:

"Doctor, I'd like some of those contradictory pills." "Madame, you're ignorant", he says. "Yes, six months," she says.


21 Jul 00 - 09:50 PM (#262487)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Amos

Lady goes into a Cheapside doctor for treatment to a bite on her forearm. Doctor cleans it up and looks at it frowning. "This is strange -- it's too small for a horse, the wrong shape for a dog, and too big for a squirrel...."

"Oh, suh", she replies. "It warn't no ANimule! It were ANUVVER LYDY!"

But maybe you hadda been there.


21 Jul 00 - 09:56 PM (#262489)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Kristi

A horse wanders into the local pub, goes up to the bar, the bartender comes over and says, why the long face?


21 Jul 00 - 11:34 PM (#262537)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Sorcha

An Scotsman (or choose ethnic) walks into a bar with a large plastic sack under his arm. Bartender says
"HEY! Whazzat you got there?"
Oh, just a sack of C-4 explosive."
"Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid it was bagpipes!"


21 Jul 00 - 11:41 PM (#262541)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Mbo

2 guys are in a restaurant, and after looking at the menu, they order. One guy orders the steak platter, the other guy orders the Oasis steak platter. After finishing dinner the one guy says, "Hey what was with the Oasis steak platter? It looked no different from what I had." The other guy says "No, mine was different...it had a roll with it."

--Matt


22 Jul 00 - 12:12 AM (#262549)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Bill D

how about just the punch lines, like they used to do on "Laugh In"?...they'd refer to jokes you couldn't TELL on the air!

"well, Thursday's YOUR day in the barrel"

".. but sir, the men just use her to ride to town"

"the whole shovel full, Mr. Dillon"?

"...never get a room next to the elevator!"


22 Jul 00 - 12:37 AM (#262553)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,late 'n short

and " Hey Mister, your sign fell down!"


22 Jul 00 - 12:42 AM (#262556)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,late 'n short

or "Wrecked him? It nearly killed him!!"


22 Jul 00 - 12:54 AM (#262559)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Gary T

Why do you ask, Two Dogs F**king?


22 Jul 00 - 01:56 AM (#262580)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: JenEllen

My fave one-liners are of Pinky and the Brain fame....

"Pinky, are you thinking what I'm thinking??"
"Yeah Brain, but burlap chafes me so...."
-or-
"Yeah Brain, but this time you put the pants on the monkeys..."

~Elle


22 Jul 00 - 02:06 AM (#262586)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Banjo Johnny

I don't get it.


22 Jul 00 - 02:18 AM (#262592)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: JenEllen

They're Pinky and the Brain
Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius
The other's insane
To prove their mousey worth
They'll overthrow the Earth
They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain

Two lab mice that escape their cages at night and plot to take over the Earth. At the critical moment, smart mouse always says "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"


22 Jul 00 - 04:11 AM (#262617)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: sledge

A white horse walks into a bar and orders some beer.

The barman say's we have a drink in here named after you.

The horse looks at him and say's, what, Eric.


22 Jul 00 - 05:14 AM (#262633)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Banjo Johnny

(This joke has whiskers but maybe there are one or two kids who haven't heard it.)

A guy in an apartment building is practising the tuba very late at night, when someone knocks at the door. It's his neighbor in pajamas, looking pretty angry. "Say, do you know it's three o'clock in the morning and my old lady is having a fit?" --- "No, but ... hum a few bars and I'll fake it."


22 Jul 00 - 05:52 AM (#262638)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: kendall

...sure, but if you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase..right Joan?


22 Jul 00 - 07:25 AM (#262651)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Bob Schwarer

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."


22 Jul 00 - 07:37 AM (#262654)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Catrin

A man walks into a bar

THUD!

(An iron bar!)


22 Jul 00 - 07:38 AM (#262655)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Catrin

A man walks into bar with a piece of tarmac on his shoulder. He says 'I'll have two pints please, one for myself, and one for the road.'


22 Jul 00 - 07:44 AM (#262656)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: gillymor

Did you hear about the famous west coast spiritual medium with really bad breath?

She was a Supercaliforniapsychicextrahalitosis.


22 Jul 00 - 07:47 AM (#262663)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Catrin

QUESTION: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

ANSWER: Fish


22 Jul 00 - 08:12 AM (#262666)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Dharmabum

In the summer of 1962 Jonny arrives to pick up his date Becky. Becky's father answers the door & informs Jonny that his daughter is still getting ready & invites him in to wait."So what have you kids got planed for this evening?" the father asks. "we'll probably just go see a movie" Jonny says. "Why don't you go out & screw?"says the dad. Jonny can't believe his ears so he asks her father to repeat it. "Sure,Becky loves to screw,she'll do it all night if we let her". Jonny's really looking forward to this date now. Just then Becky comes downstairs in her poodle skirt&ponytail & she & Jonny leave. 20 minutes later Becky storms through the door, hair all messed up poodle skirt torn, " DAMNIT DADDY, THE TWIST, IT'S CALLED THE TWIST".


22 Jul 00 - 08:28 AM (#262668)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Gervase

"...and the vicar smiles wanly and says to the old poacher, 'Ah, but by the grace of God and a sharp stick, I was able to get it all back in again'."


22 Jul 00 - 08:46 AM (#262673)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Mbo

Bob, my Dad is a Jerry Clower junkie, and he does that story really well, except in the end he says "When you have a pig that special, you only eat him one ham at a time..."

--Mbo


22 Jul 00 - 10:11 AM (#262687)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Liz the Squeak

Eat it madam? You hold it between your knees!

LTS


22 Jul 00 - 12:00 PM (#262708)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Morticia

.........a roll of the ship!...it felt more like a roll of lino!


22 Jul 00 - 12:11 PM (#262710)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Micca

"..... A Pineapple and a tube of KY Jelly"


22 Jul 00 - 12:17 PM (#262711)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: sledge

..........but Just one sheep I tell you.


22 Jul 00 - 12:27 PM (#262714)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Morticia

A rabbi, a priest and a vicar walk into a bar.The barman says" Is this some kind of a joke?"


22 Jul 00 - 12:49 PM (#262721)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Bill D

"..but then it looked so good, I ate it myself"

"...you wanna open the beer bottle or not?"

"....he says he knows Mother"


22 Jul 00 - 01:28 PM (#262730)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Phil Cooper

A man walks into a bar with the largest salamander imaginable. He says, "a beer for myself and one for my friend, Tiny?" "Tiny," says the bartender, "that's the largest amphibian I've ever seen.!" "Can't you tell it's my newt?"

Source Jeffrey Hoagland, someone who had us for a concert in New Jersey.


22 Jul 00 - 03:47 PM (#262734)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,bob

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done. It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it. Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed, "Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"


22 Jul 00 - 03:57 PM (#262739)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: ivy b*

a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "ive no money but im really thirsty. if i show you my amazing dancing frog will you let me have a pint?" the bartender is a bit sceptical but he agrees to consider it if the frog is really that amazing. so the man fishes into his pocket and pulls out this frog which he places on to the bar. suddenly the frog jumps up and gives an amazing rendition of the can-can followed by a jig with a condensed ballet solo to finish. the bartender is so amazed he lets the man have a free pint. but then the man says "well im still thirsty, and youve already seen my frog, so how about i show you my amazing singing duck for another pint?" the bartender is a bit worryed about giving away beer free but he was so amazed by the frog he agrees. the man fishes about in his bag and pulls out a small green duck which he places on the bar next to the frog. suddenly the bar is filled with the most beautiful singing that the bartender has ever heard. about half an hour later it finally finishes and, wiping the tears from his eyes, the bartender gives the man 2 free pints, because he was even more impressed by the duck than the frog. not only that but everyone else in the bar is so overcome with emotion they all order extra beers for themselves and the man. later that evening the bartender takes the man aside and begs him to sell him the duck. the man ponders for a while and then says, "well alright then, you can have it for £100" the bartender gets the money straight away, grabs the duck from the bar and immediatly closes in order to get rid of the man before he changes his mind. another bloke who had seen all this came up to the first man and said "you fool! that duck could have made you millions and you just sold it!" to which the man replies " its all right, the frogs a ventriloquist."


23 Jul 00 - 03:04 AM (#262945)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST

Hee haw hee haw hee always says that.


23 Jul 00 - 09:19 AM (#262988)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: sophocleese

"So the Pope says, "Holy Water!?! I thought it was 7up!"

AS the actress said to the bishop...


23 Jul 00 - 09:43 AM (#262991)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: kendall

..you chose the ugliest one in the flock..


23 Jul 00 - 10:57 AM (#263015)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Marymac90

The chorus was singing a fugueing piece in two parts, one for soprano and alto, one for tenor and bass. They couldn't seem to get the timing right for the entrance of the men. The director said "If the ladies will examine their parts, they will see where the gentlemen are supposed to enter."

from "Roundman" Sol Weber


23 Jul 00 - 11:46 AM (#263035)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Liz the Squeak

Duh, do I look like I have Sara Lee tatooed on my forehead??

(one of my favourites - the vicar used it in a sermon the other week and I damn nearly died......!

LTS


23 Jul 00 - 12:38 PM (#263063)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: sledge

A penguin walks into a bar and asks if the barman has seen his brother.

The barman replies "what does he look like"


23 Jul 00 - 12:46 PM (#263065)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Amergin

The Princess & The Frog Once upon a time, a smart, independent, self-assured princess came across a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess: "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a handsome prince and then we can marry and move into the castle with my Mother. And you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night while the princess dined on a delicious repaste of frog's legs, she laughed to herself and thought....

"I don't fucking think so."


23 Jul 00 - 03:21 PM (#263129)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Phil Cooper

A woman walks down the sidewalk when she hears a frog say, "Help me! Help me!" She looks at it, puzzled and the frog says, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a sensitive singer/songwriter." She picks up the frog and puts it in her pocket. The frog says, "wait, wait, you're supposed to kiss me." She says, "Babe, you're worth more as a talking frog." source Dr. Joe: ]

And another one. A soprano is making love to her saxophone playing boyfriend. Remembering that she has neglected her birth control she says, "honey you should pull out." He says, "Why, am I sharp?"


23 Jul 00 - 03:37 PM (#263134)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Liz the Squeak

A priest was walking down the road when he found a talking frog.

'I'm a young prince, and I've been turned to a frog by an evil witch. I need to spend the night with a righteous and godly person to be transformed back to my rightful self'

The priest, being a godly and righteous sort of person picked up the frog and took it home with him. He placed it in his bed, laid down and spent the night in this way.

In the morning, he woke up and lying next to him was a young boy, with golden curly hair and a cherubic face.

And that M'Lud, concludes the case for the defence....

LTS


23 Jul 00 - 06:33 PM (#263191)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Morticia

No, I didn't...it's ice cream!


23 Jul 00 - 06:40 PM (#263195)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Bill D

"..they're NOT...one's me muvver and one's me sister"


23 Jul 00 - 06:46 PM (#263199)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Catrin

There were three little boys sitting on a park bench talking about what they were going to spend their pocket money on.

The first little boy said 'I'm going to spend mine on sweets!' The second little boy said 'I'm going to spend mine on comics!' The third little boy said 'I'm going to spend mine on Tambpax!'

The other two little boys looked at him, astonished. 'What on earth do you want Tampax for?'

'Well, you can go swimming, horseriding .....'


23 Jul 00 - 07:07 PM (#263206)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Jeri

Liz, Bill Sables does a song about "the Vicar and the Frog."


23 Jul 00 - 09:25 PM (#263265)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Biskit

The BIG BAD WOLF jumps out an' says I'm gonna eat you Little Red Riding Hood!Lil' Red says, eat,eat,eat, doesn't anybody sc#*w anymore!!-Biskit-


23 Jul 00 - 09:33 PM (#263269)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: death by whisky

Aman walks into a pub with a giaffe.Orders a pint for himself and one for the giraffe.This goes on all night.Eventually the giraffe collapses on the floor.The man gets up to leave but the barman says"you can't leave that lyin there".The man replies"Its not a lion its a giraffe"


23 Jul 00 - 11:13 PM (#263293)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Phil Cooper

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?

The jewelry.


24 Jul 00 - 12:49 AM (#263334)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,JamesJim

George was concerned that his wife might be losing her hearing, so he slipped up behind her and said, "honey, can you hear me?" When there was no response, he decided to say it a little louder; "Honey, can you hear me?" Still no response, so he moved right up behind her and put his mouth close to her ear and very loudly said, "HONEY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?" She turned around, looked him in the eye and said, FOR GOD'S SAKE GEORGE, FOR THE THIRD TIME, I SAID YES!


24 Jul 00 - 01:31 AM (#263345)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: SDShad

...twenty bucks, same as in town!

...that sheep is a feckin' liar!

...it's just they've rung up from the pub this morning, and you've left your wheelchair again.

...light a match and I'll drive my truck out.

...hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe!

...I'm jusht fine. Now, where'sh th'lady with the tooth?

...I was just fine until I wanted to go home and asked somebody where the bus lepot was. (hee hee--gotta love Sioux humor....)

...oh, that's not hamburger, dear, Daddy has leprosy and he's waving goodbye.... (the single most disgusting joke I know)

Shad


24 Jul 00 - 01:37 AM (#263351)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Amergin

One day a wife was looking at her breasts in the mirror and she asked her husband, "Are my breasts too small, dear?" "Well, they are kind of small.." "Maybe I should think about getting implants." "No, just get a wad of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few weeks, that might make them bigger." "Ok" Everyday for two weeks, she would get some toilet paper and rub it between her breasts for three hours at a stretch, but still her breasts were not getting any bigger. She asked her husband, "Are you sure this is going to work? Been doing it every day and they're not getting any bigger." "It worked for your butt didn't it?"

Well, the guy lived and with several months of intense physical therapy, he may be able to walk again.


24 Jul 00 - 01:38 AM (#263352)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Psaltry Psue

An orchestra was putting on a performance of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There were two bass players who had a part in the first movement, and a part in the finale', but nothing in between. They requested permission from the conductor to leave the stage during the long period of inactivity, and were granted their request.

At the end of the first movement, they exited the stage, and one said to the other "let's go across the street for a minute and grab a drink." They had one, then another, and finally one says "hadn't we better get back? They'll be getting close to the end." The other says "oh, don't worry. I've tied the last two pages of the conductor's sheet music together with string."

The two bassists finally returned to the auditorium, to see the conductor conducting with one hand while frantically trying to untie the string with the other.

The audience were on the edge of their seats with tension. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.


24 Jul 00 - 07:05 AM (#263407)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Gervase

...you should have seen the monkey trying to get the cork back in.
...come on, Eileen.
...no, because he f***s pigs, stoopid.
And many, many more.

Remind me of the group of friends who were so familiar with each other's jokes that they gave them all numbers. In the bar at night, one would only have to call out "thirty six" and the rest would fall around hooting and sobbing.
A stranger walks up and asks them what they're doing. They explain, and he says: "Can I try then?" Sure, they say, and the the stranger cldears his throat. "Er, twenty seven," he ventures.
Silence.
"What was wrong with that?" says the stranger. "Heck, it's the way you tell 'em," he's told.


24 Jul 00 - 07:42 AM (#263418)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: SDShad

But then another stranger gives it a try, steps up and says "seventy-two!" The place collapses in hysterical, side-splitting gales of laughter. When the bartender, wiping tears from his eyes, can finaly talk again, he comes up and claps the fellow on the shoulder and says "and sure, they've never heard that one before."

Shad


24 Jul 00 - 12:31 PM (#263596)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Passing Stranger

Q: What is the question to which the answer is "9 W"?

A: "Do you spell your name with a V, Herr Wittgenstein?"


24 Jul 00 - 12:56 PM (#263621)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Kim C

Q: Why does it take four women with PMS to change a lightbulb?

A: BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, DAMMIT!!!!!


24 Jul 00 - 01:01 PM (#263624)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Pseudolus

A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop....

Three guys walk into a bar, you'd think one of 'em woulda seen it!!

A man walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I'm 80 years old, I have 4 kids and 15 grandchildren and I've lived a good life but last night I strayed. I spent the night with two 18 year olds and we did nothing but drink and have sex all night." The priest asks, "My son how long has it been since your last confession?" The guy responds, "Father, I've never been to confession before, I'm Jewish." The priest is puzzled and asks, "Well then my son, why are you telling me this?" And the guy says, "Are you kidding me Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY!!!!"

Two nuns riding their bikes to school, because of construction, have to take a different route down a cobblestone road. One says, "I've never come this way before." The other says, "well, maybe it's the cobblestones!"

Enjoy, Frank


24 Jul 00 - 02:00 PM (#263659)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Susie

Man with small terrier-type dog walks into the bar and orders a pint. "No dogs in here" is all the response he gets, so he leaves. Tries the next bar, same response. After trying the next few bars down the street, he is getting thirsty and a bit tired of being turned away, when he notices in a shop the sign on the door - "No doge (guide dogs for the blind excepted)". Aha. The answer hits him.

In he goes to the next bar, where he receives exactly the same curt response as before - "No dogs in here". "No dogs at all?" he asks. "Well", replies the bartended,"we do allow guide dogs for the blind". "But I am blind" says the man. "What?" says the barman, "guide dogs are usually alsatians or labradors". "Oh" says the customer, "what have they given me then?"


24 Jul 00 - 03:14 PM (#263714)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: SDShad

Fella walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog, picks up the dog and starts swinging it around by its harness above his head. As the dog looks outward on the people around, there's a very alarmed look on his face. A floor manager nervously approaches the man and asks, "sir, is there any thing I can do to help you?"

"Nope," the man replies, "just looking around."

Chris


24 Jul 00 - 04:37 PM (#263783)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Liz the Squeak

Play it? When I get it's pyjamas off I'm gonna shag it senseless!!!

LTS


24 Jul 00 - 04:40 PM (#263787)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: radriano

In the days of the old west, a sheriff walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the barman:

"Bartender, I'm lookin' for a varmint. Wonder if you've seen him in these here parts?"

"Well, Sheriff," says the bartender, "what's he look like?"

"Well," says the sheriff, "he's gone on a paper outfit. Paper shirt, paper pants, a paper vest, paper guns in paper holsters, paper boots and spurs, and, oh yeah, a big paper coat and a big paper ten gallon hat."

"Can't say I've seen him in these parts," says the bartender, "but what's he wanted fer?"

"Rustlin'," says the sheriff.

Radriano


24 Jul 00 - 04:47 PM (#263793)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Liz the Squeak

Dog limps into a saloon. Hops up onto the bar, beckons to the barkeep.

'Hey, you seen a cowpoke with blue jeans, black shirt, silver handled pistols, big black hat and only one eye?'

'Nope' says the barkeep, 'why, you lookin for one?'

'Yup' says the dog.

'Wurl why's that then?' asks the barkeep.

'Lookin' for the guy that shot ma paw......'

LTS


24 Jul 00 - 05:59 PM (#263855)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Morticia

yes, but 20 years ago that fence hadn't been electrified


24 Jul 00 - 06:03 PM (#263857)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Bill D

..." ok," says the Texan.."where's that Eskimo woman you want me to wrestle?"


24 Jul 00 - 06:16 PM (#263864)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: wysiwyg

"No thanks, I'll take it to go." WHACK!!! "The head tastes best."

~S~


24 Jul 00 - 06:21 PM (#263869)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: The Walrus

Just after World War II, a sergeant in the one of the Guards regiments was comining up to retirement so he requested an interview with the Colonel. "Request permission to take my rifle with me when I retire" "Why?" Asked the Colonel "Well Sir, I've carried it on sentry go out side Buck House, It went with me to France in '39 and I brought it out at Dunkirk, it went back with me on D Day and I carried it al the way through to VE Day and now I'm retiring, I'd like it as a souvenir" The Colonel promisied to look into the matter and two weeks later, the Sergeant was up in front of the Colonel again, to be told that, on payment of a small sum and acquiring a firearms licence his request would be granted,he duly paid up, sucessfully applied for his licence and shortly after that, retired, the owner of a former service rifle. Two days after his retirement, the sergeants wife saw him building a small plinth right in the centre of their garden, he carefully built a pair of cradles in the top of the plinth, reverently placed the rifle in the cradles, carefully cemented the rifle into place,stepped back and said "Now you bastard...RUST !"

Walrus


24 Jul 00 - 07:06 PM (#263905)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Gary T

Three little kids are trying to out-brag each other about how far back they can remember. After a while, one figures he'll win this contest, and says "Well, I can remember getting that first slap from the doctor." The next one says "That's not so great, I remember seeing daylight for the first time through that hole in my mom." The third one says "Aw, that's nuthin'. I remember going to the Prom with my dad and coming home with my mom."


24 Jul 00 - 08:23 PM (#263931)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Bill D

in a moment of weakness a year ago, I posted this long joke about a horse with green hooves ...I will not clutter THIS thread with it, but it has a certain message, and has become a family 'line'..(the green hooves part)


24 Jul 00 - 11:15 PM (#264020)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: gillymor

...I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS!

A dentist informs his Buddhist patient that he has to extract a tooth and prepares an injection. When he raises the needle to the patient's mouth the Buddhist says "NO NOVOCAIN! I can transcend dental medication."

F


25 Jul 00 - 12:43 AM (#264063)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: katlaughing

Two old ladies were living in a nursing home. They were both smokers and had to go outside whenever they wanted a drag.

One day, they were out and it began to rain. Their cigs were getting wet, when one pulled out a condom and put it over her cigarette to keep it dry. The other one looked at her and said, "What in the world is that?"

"It's a condom. Ya buy them at the pharmacy. Just go in and tell them you want a box of condoms. Your cigs'll always stay dry that way!"

So, a few days later the other one decided to go buy herself some condoms to keep her cigs dry. She walked up to the pharmacy counter and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms.

Looking at her, the pharmacist is thinking "she's goyta be 80 years old at least, what would she want condoms?" So he tries to figure out if she is confused by asking her a couple of questions. "Ah, ma'm, do you have any preference? Any particular type?"

She says, "No, just as long as they will fit on a Camel!"


25 Jul 00 - 10:47 AM (#264249)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Pseudolus

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks" the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church", stated the pastor. "That`s OK", said the young man, "We`re not welcome at the A&P anymore either.


25 Jul 00 - 11:28 AM (#264279)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler

A story in today's papers says that Scottish kilt makers are including a pocket for mobile phones. "Is that a mobile phone ringing in your sporran or are you just pleased to see me?" springs to this depraved mind.
RtS


25 Jul 00 - 01:57 PM (#264373)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Amergin

New Employment Policies:

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $ 244.40 Outgo tax $ 45.21 State tax $ 11.61 Interstate tax $ 61.10 County tax $ 6.11 City tax $ 12.22 Rural tax $ 4.44 Back tax $ 1.11 Front tax $ 1.16 Side tax $ 1.61 Up tax $ 2.22 Down tax $ 1.11 Tic-Tacs $ 1.98 Thumbtacks $ 3.93 Carpet tacks $ 0.98 Stadium tax $ 0.69 Flat tax $ 8.32 Surtax $ 3.46 Corporate tax $ 2.60 Parking fee $ 5.00 F.I.C.A. $ 81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95 Life insurance $ 5.85 Health insurance $ 16.23 Dental insurance $ 4.50 Mental insurance $ 4.33 Reassurance $ 0.11 Disability $ 2.50 Ability $ 0.25 Liability $ 3.41 Unreliability $ 10.99 Coffee $ 6.85 Coffee Cups $ 66.51 Floor rental $ 16.85 Chair rental $ 0.32 Desk rental $ 4.32 Union dues $ 5.85 Union don'ts $ 3.77 Cash advance $ 0.69 Cash retreats $ 121.35 Overtime $ 1.26 Undertime $ 54.83 Eastern time $ 9.00 Central time $ 8.00 Mountain time $ 7.00 Pacific time $ 6.00 Time Out $ 12.21 Oxygen $ 10.02 Water $ 16.54 Heat $ 51.42 Cool air $ 26.83 Hot air $ 20.00 Miscellaneous $ 113.29 Sundry $ 12.09 Various $ 8.01 Net Take Home Pay $ 0.02

Thank you for your loyalty. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, Complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.


25 Jul 00 - 11:21 PM (#264752)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: PoohBear

Biskit, I thought the punch line was "Little Red Riding Hood pulled out her pistol and said oh no you don't, you're going to eat me, just like the story says!"

PB


25 Jul 00 - 11:28 PM (#264758)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Mbo

One I heard recently I like a lot. Not really a joke though. "Smile. It's the second-best thing to do with your lips."

--Matt


25 Jul 00 - 11:42 PM (#264762)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Mrrzy

Q: What's better than roses on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ!

...Death by BONGA!!!
...Make a drumhead out of that, asshole!


25 Jul 00 - 11:57 PM (#264775)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: rangeroger

Gosh, what did her mother say?

"Baa"

rr


26 Jul 00 - 03:55 PM (#265169)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Colwyn Dane

A motorist who was injured in a traffic accident wakes up in hospital and looks up at the doctor & nurses surrounding his bed.
A look of horror appears on his face and he shouts "Doctor I can't feel my legs."
"It's not surprising" replys the doctor,
"as we have had to amputate your hands."

Toodle-pip.


07 Dec 00 - 12:16 PM (#353116)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Jed at Work

A young newly-wed woman visits her doctor saying, "Doctor, after two weeks of marriage my husband has suddenly lost interest in sex." The Doctor assures her all is OK, "He has just lost the animal instinct, and we can fix that. I want you to crumble up a dog biscuit into his morning cereal, every day for a week, then come back and see me."

Encourgaed, the young wife goes home and follows her doctor's instructions carefully. One week later she returns the doctor."How is your husband?" asks the doctor.

"He's dead." says the young woman, "just the other day he was sitting in the driveway licking his balls when I backed over him with the car!"


07 Dec 00 - 12:44 PM (#353133)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: annamill

A man sticks his head into a barbershop and says "Bob Peters here?"

"No" says the barber, "Only haircuts and shaves".

Love, annamill


07 Dec 00 - 01:00 PM (#353145)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: CamiSu

Oh, OW!....Loreena!


07 Dec 00 - 01:08 PM (#353147)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Ringer

Jed at Work eh? A likely story!


07 Dec 00 - 01:12 PM (#353149)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,petr

so this seal walks into a club...

two guys went bear hunting, they saw a sign said bear left, so they went home.

In response to the how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb ?

Two: one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools

whats red and smells like green paint?

... ... ... red paint.


07 Dec 00 - 01:57 PM (#353163)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Long Firm Freddie

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

LFF


07 Dec 00 - 02:05 PM (#353168)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Jed at Work

annamill - oooo, but chuckle.

and bald eagle?? at work? yep, but not necessarily workin'!


07 Dec 00 - 02:14 PM (#353172)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Mrrzy

What's the difference between a hooker, a nymphomaniac, and a JAP (you can substitute your unfavorite ethnic group here)? The nympho says Is that all? The hooker says' That's All! And the JAP says...

(staring at ceiling)... peach... I think I'll paint it peach...

How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb? 14 - you got a problem with that?


07 Dec 00 - 03:28 PM (#353200)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: NightWing

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac amnesiac?

He stayed up all night worrying about whether there really is a dog. (Forget it!)

And a limerick:

There was a young lady named Sue
Who preferred a stiff drink to a s(&@w
    But one leads to the other
    And now she's a mother
Let this be a lesson to you.

BB,
NightWing


07 Dec 00 - 07:07 PM (#353310)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Ely

And Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each orders a pint. Just as they are getting ready to drink, a fly lands in each man's glass. The Englishman looks at it in disgust and pushes the glass away untouched. The Irishman picks out the fly, tosses it away, and drinks anyway. The Scotsman reaches in, picks up the fly, and cries, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"


08 Dec 00 - 08:12 AM (#353578)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Dr. Sunshine

An Englishman,an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Jew, A West Indian, a Gorilla, a duck, a giraffe,a horse,a penguin,a man with a parrot on his head...walked into a bar The barman said "what's this...some sort of joke"


08 Dec 00 - 09:34 AM (#353615)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Trevor

Doctor : How did you get that bump on your head?

Patient : A book fell on it

Doctor : Oh, don't blame your shelf.

or

Doctor : You've got chicken pox

Patient : Chicken pox! I want a second opinion.

Doctor : Oh alright, it's measles.

(courtesy T.Cooper)

or

Did you hear about the girl who went into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one?

Boom boom.


08 Dec 00 - 12:28 PM (#353733)
Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Uncle_DaveO

Hate to be a grump, but I wish people would tell the joke instead of the just the endings. They're not funny in themselves, and if you don't already know the joke they're meaningless. If you already know the joke, there's nothing funny about them.

Dave Oesterreich