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20 Aug 00 - 05:20 AM (#281075) Subject: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Peter Kasin It still feels like August 19th, which marks two years since my father died from several catastrophic illnesses that afflicted him for almost a year. My day job was hectic yesterday, working to put finishing touches on organzing music at a festival in San Francisco, so there was no time for reflection. I called my mother and sister this evening, and otherwise stayed in and thought about him and life without him. He's still very much missed. He was no saint - he could be irascible and stubborn, and he was a complicated person, but he lived life with alot of passion, and had a wonderful, humorous and loving side to him that brought him many friends. I'm glad that we drew closer during the last seven years or so of his life, and had no unfinished business. I wish that everyone here is "right" with their parents. If there are problems, think about swallowing some pride and getting things straightened out with them. It could haunt you if they're not. It's bad enough missing a parent even when things were good with them. So, since he's been gone, it's hard to think about what's happening in the world today and not wonder what dad would have thought about it. He would have loved The Onion's satirical book "Our Dumb Century." I always link that book with him, but he didn't live to see it. We used to go into his computer to read the latest missives from The Onion's site, and laugh our heads off at their headlines and fictionalized news stories. Well, I could go on and on, but I don't intend this to be a completely self-indulgent thread. I really want to urge you to be careful in your relationship with your parents as you all get older. Give them a little slack in the little things they do that you find annoying, don't say things to them that you would regret deeply. Being right is not always worth the trouble in arguing your points with them, if it leads to heated arguments. With that thought, I will bid my computer and you all a good night. -chanteyranger |
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20 Aug 00 - 05:25 AM (#281076) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: CarolC chantyranger, I'm sorry about your father. I hope you feel better soon. Carol |
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20 Aug 00 - 06:14 AM (#281082) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: karen k chantyranger, Anniversaries like this are difficult whether its two years or fifty. You are certainly right about making peace with your parents while you have the opportunity. I hope you will spend some time remembering the good times and thinking about how many are better people because your dad was in their lives. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. karen k |
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20 Aug 00 - 08:29 AM (#281093) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Crowhugger Chantey-o, I get the feeling that, while there wasn't unfinished business at the time of your father's death, questions or issues have emerged that you now wish you could ask or sort out. It is very kind of you to offer valuable advice even while you're feeling new aspects of grief. I find it helpful to be reminded to adopt positive approaches to life's challenges. Thanks. You didn't sound self-indulgent at all. CH. |
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20 Aug 00 - 08:30 AM (#281097) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: campfire chanteyranger: I'm sorry for your loss. It's good advice - I will try to live by it and hope everyone else does, too. campfire
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20 Aug 00 - 09:43 AM (#281127) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: catspaw49 Always tough my friend. Thanks for sharing the story. My Dad has been gone 27 years and my Mon 33 years.....and I'd like to say to you that it gets easier, but it really doesn't much. The memories do become happier over time and I cry less and smile more in November 16 and April 25. Spaw |
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20 Aug 00 - 10:07 AM (#281134) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Dulci46 Please everyone read and reread this thread. Then if you have a parent or loved one that you need to make things right with, do it while you still can. We never know when someone will be taken from us. What chanteyranger says is very true. It's bad enough losing someone when things are good, but I can tell you it will haunt you the rest of your life if things aren't right. Don't wait until tomorrow to make things right, tomorrow may never come. Judy |
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20 Aug 00 - 11:07 AM (#281155) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: winniemih Very wise advice,Chanteyranger. My father died a year ago Aug. 15. He had a chronic illness that was terminal, and because of his slow decline I was able to put aside old conflicts and "get things right" with him over a period of months. I am so grateful I had this opportunity. I have worked as a nurse for many years and have seen many families that did not have a chance to do this, when illnesses or accidents happened suddenly. I hope your advice is heeded. Forgiveness happens if we are able to open our hearts. My family, incidentally, had a gathering that included singing some of the songs we sang at my dad's funeral. It was a bit awkward, since it is a new process for us to be publicly demonstrative, but ultimately it felt like we had honored our father with the remembrance. |
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20 Aug 00 - 12:01 PM (#281166) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Alice July 19th is the day my parents and an aunt were killed in a car accident, back in 1979. Sudden deaths like that are a shock and usually mean that there are unresolved relationships. I'm the youngest of seven. I have two older brothers and four older sisters who are half sisters. We had the same dad, but he got custody of my sisters and they were raised by my mom and dad. They resent it to this very day, and feel that their mom was a martyr and my mom was a wicked step-mother. It is so true that unresolved problems continue to hang over some people when their parents die. Not only that, there is a ripple effect to other relationships. Three of my sisters are old enough to be my mom. One of them is so bitter that she called me last Christmas and had me in tears telling me how evil she thought my mother was. She's in her 60's, and she still has not resolved these emotions about her childhood. She plays them over and over. Yes, it's good advice to resolve these things as soon as possible. You never know when the end will come.
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20 Aug 00 - 01:53 PM (#281211) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: CowboyDan chantyranger, my Dad died 26 years ago. A couple of months before he died, I went home and spent about six weeks with him. We spent a number of late evenings drinking and singing the songs he used to sing on car trips when I was a kid. He had a fine voice, but a terrible sense of timing. Playing the guitar, I had to hurry to keep up and slow down to wait all the time. Lately I've felt the need to pull together as many of those songs as I can, from my memory and those of my siblings and my one surviving uncle, as well as any outside sources I can find. One bit of advice: Not to sound to New-Agey, but, if you look deep inside yourself, I think you'll find your father still there, still able to geve advice and comfort. If you're like me, you'll find, the older you get, the more sense his advice makes. |
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20 Aug 00 - 02:31 PM (#281216) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: RocketMan My Dad died suddenly 5 years ago. Like you, there was no unfinished business. He was not a musician, but he supported me in my music as well as all other aspects of my life and I miss him dearly for that. I still feel sad on that anniversary and at other times when I think of him. Thanks for your thoughts. RMan |
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20 Aug 00 - 03:03 PM (#281222) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Quincy Chantyranger, Firstly, please accept my condolences at this time. You are so right when you say that everyone should be 'right' with their parents or any loved ones. There's many a cross word can be exchanged between parents and children as they help us to adulthood but these should help strengthen the bond if we are fortunate enough to have it. I was widowed suddenly nine years ago at the age of twenty-two and it was then that I understood that we should never take it for granted that tomorrow is ours. Myself and my husband both believed that we should never go to bed on an argument and rightly so as it turned out. Since then I have sometimes had disagreements with my parents or grandparents....as families often do, but I always try and make sure that I'm more tolerent. I've been known to drive over late at night after leaving under a cloud earlier in the day to 'put things right'. My family are all very stubborn but also very close, me being pig-headed sometimes makes it difficult to back down so it's not always easy!! Keep the memories of your father close to your heart, never be worried or ashamed to express your grief in whatever way helps you best. Anniversaries are always difficult but it's the build up to them that can be worse than the actual day itself. A poem I can remember having on a sympathy card has stayed with me since. Near shady wall a rose once grew, Budded and blossomed in God's free light, Watered and fed by the morning dew, Shedding it's sweetness day and night. As it grew and blossomed fair and tall, Slowly rising to loftier height, It came to a crevice in the wall Through which there shone a beam of light. Onward it crept with added strengh With never a thought of fear or pride, It followed the light through the crevice's length And unfolded itself on the other side. The light, the dew, the broadening view Were found the same as they were before, And it lost itself in beauties new, Breathing it's fragrance more and more. Shall claim of death cause us to grieve And make our courage faint and fall? Nay! Let us faith and hope receive-- The rose still grows beyond the wall, Scattering fragrance far and wide Just as it did in days of yore, Just as it did on the other side, Just as it will forevermore. Take care, God Bless, Yvonne
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20 Aug 00 - 05:31 PM (#281274) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: JenEllen It's good advice Chantey, not just for parents, but for everyone you come in contact with. Don't ever leave upset, you might not get another chance to make things right. Stick with it until you love each other again! My mother died twenty-one years ago, the day before Christmas. I was seven years old, and she was only 26. We lived far from our family in the first few years of my life, and instead of telephone calls my dad made audiotapes and sent them to the grandparents. I recently inherited some of these, and it was a real shock. I had just imagined her as a 'mother', and had forgotten that when I was little, she was just a girl too. The tapes are full of laughing, singing, and dirty jokes. Totally un-motherly, and I love them. They are nothing like I remember her, sick and cancer-ridden, they are pure gold. Long story short, I'm so very glad she had a life, even if I don't remember it. I'm glad your father had a life too, and even more so that he has you to remember him. Give yourself a good solid hug, Elle
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20 Aug 00 - 06:43 PM (#281296) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Irish sergeant Chanteyranger: I too pass along my condolences My mother died 35 years ago and my father 29 years ago. They are still missed. Your advice is sound and I hope those with parents or relatives they have issues with will take a long hard look and say "To hell with the BS" and mend fences. Life is too short for hard feelings and there is never enough tome to put things like that off. Kindest reguards, Neil |
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20 Aug 00 - 07:51 PM (#281339) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: GUEST I am sorry for your loss and sorrow. Hope my siblings will make peace with our father before it is too late. |
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20 Aug 00 - 09:30 PM (#281381) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Susan A-R Hi Changyranger. I was just thinking of Dad, who died a little less than a year ago. This past week was the anniversary of what we refer to as the last really good day. He spent the day blackberrying, and spent the evening singing at my Birthday party, and the next day he couldn't get out of bed. He'd lost his hip bone structure to cancer, and could no longer walk. About a month and a half later he died. The hole in life is huge, there was never any peace to make with him for me. I was his youngest daughter, and he was always kind, supportive, and dear to me (conflict avoidant, absent minded, yes, but generally an amazing human being.) You are right. It is difficult to get through the anniversaries. It's also really critical to treasure the time you have. I am hoping to go mushrooming with Mom tomorrow. We'll treasure each other's company, probably talk, laugh and cry about dad, and keep life going. Thanks for posting Peter. Susan |
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20 Aug 00 - 09:41 PM (#281386) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Sorcha Ah, Susan, I remember my Dad's Last Good Day--we were hunting in the High Uintas, in Wyoming. Were having a wonderful day just being out in the beautiful country. Suddenly, Dad had an Oxygen deprivation Panic Attack. It was another 4 years before he was allowed to leave us.....and my Mom's last Good Day was the day before he died. She had to live another 101/2 years with out him, and was sad/angry/unhappy EVERY DAMN DAY of those 10 years, because he had the GALL to leave her behind. She never let any of us forget it, either. Make peace, my friends, make peace with whatever you need to. Someday, you and yours will be very glad you did. chanteyranger, my heart is with you at this difficult time, as you know. |
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21 Aug 00 - 03:56 AM (#281529) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Peter Kasin Thank you all for your kind thoughts, and for sharing your own experiences. The death of one or both parents has already come about for many of you, I see. It is good we have this Mudcat community of ours to support each other and to have some dialogue about issues of our parents and their passing. Do you all sense a sort of virtual fireside chat going on here? Thank you again, Mudcatters. -chanteyranger |
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21 Aug 00 - 10:20 AM (#281661) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Catrin My father died when i was a small child. My last good memory of him is when he used to throw me up in the air and catch me. I can still feel the lurch in my stomach. Other memories too, like a smell of tobacco, a green jumper and a certain way of laughing. That was many years ago. I still think about him and 'talk' to him, but even though I am all grown up (well 'ish') with two daughters of my own, it still hurts sometimes. I think there's something really important about keeping a special place in our heart for somebody. It is possible to find love from other people because we each have an infinite capacity for love, but those I love will always be special. Each person occupies their own place. With time the pain lessens but those we love can never be replaced, we just, somehow, learn how to deal with it. Catrin |
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21 Aug 00 - 11:18 AM (#281677) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Yo My condolences too Chanteyranger. It's all true what you mentioned earlier. And we should not try to get things right because maybe some of us could die, we should make things right so we can live ! We had some losses in our family too, and I look at my kids, how they deal with it. They seem to accept so easy, no why's. It helps me a lot to also accept the pain. I think you started a good thread here, and hope somebody can find something here that'll help him or her. Also thanks for your thoughts. Yo. |
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21 Aug 00 - 11:18 AM (#281678) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Yo My condolences too Chanteyranger. It's all true what you mentioned earlier. And we should not try to get things right because maybe some of us could die, we should make things right so we can live ! We had some losses in our family too, and I look at my kids, how they deal with it. They seem to accept so easy, no why's. It helps me a lot to also accept the pain. I think you started a good thread here, and hope somebody can find something here that'll help him or her. Also thanks for your thoughts. Yo. |
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21 Aug 00 - 03:24 PM (#281816) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Gervase Chanteyranger, ol' fruit, it doesn't ever get any easier, but the scars do harden. My father died when I was just 21, when I was still chock-full of testosterone and self-righteousness and thought I knew it all. Of course I didn't, a fact which had already been proven by the circumstances of his death. Which were that my parents came up to stay with me where I was living in Suffolk, after maybe three years of what might be called 'bad karma' between me and them when I constantly thought "Bollocks, I'm too proud to give ground on this to a pompous old fart." But then, after four years of serious conniptions, we found ourselves on November 5 (Guy Fawkes' Night) standing next to each other watching all the fireworks going up and I finally thought to myself "Hmm, he's not so bad after all. Maybe, 'cos he's my dad, I should give him a hug." But then, of course, the rational side kicked in and said "Hey, but you hate each other - leave it for him to make the first move". So I almost put my arm around him to give him a hug - but the nastier, ,more reationmal side of me said "Hang on, let's not be hasty about this. Maybe the next time." However there never was a next time, because - four days' later - he keeled over with a massive heart attack and died, and I never did make my peace with the old curmudgeon (who was, if I but knew it, SO like me!). All of which means...well, I'm not sure. Only that, if any of you can - and Chanteyranger, I know it's now too late, but I hope you let him know in time - tell the bugger what you really feel. All I can say now is that it's nearly 20 years since he died, and there's not a week when I don't think about him. As they say, it's not until you bury your parents that you realise that, in the end, there's just you, standing all on your lonesome, between now and then, with just a bunch of shadows standing behind you. And better the shadow you know... |
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21 Aug 00 - 03:55 PM (#281836) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Peter Kasin Thanks, Gervase. Fortunately my father and I were way past the teens/twenty-something attitudes one has for their parents. That was a very tough age for you to lose him, when things were in that stage. When we're that young, it's hard not to think that we know everything and they don't know anything, being from the stone age. Hopefully we can remember that enough from our own youth so that we can recognize similar patterns of youth in our own kids and not take their attitudes too hard. (Easier said then done, eh? Obviously I don't have kids of my own yet!) All the best, -chanteyranger |
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21 Aug 00 - 04:04 PM (#281843) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Pseudolus Seems August wasn't a good month for Mudcatters and their families. My mother died on August 19th, 1985. My mother had an AWESOME sense of humor!! Once while she was cracking some eggs for egg salad, I leaned over and while giving her a kiss goodbye on the cheek, I switched one of the hard boiled eggs with a raw one, then I stood back and waited. You have to understand that my mom didn't just tap the egg, she "banged and rolled" to get the egg started. Needless to say, when she got to the raw egg, it went everywhere. she really wanted to be mad at me, but she was laughing so hard she couldn't talk. Before anyone gets mad at me, she could dish it out too!! Anyway, unlike a lot of you I DO have a regret, just one, but it's there. I showed my Mom in many ways that I loved her, not just exploding eggs mind you, I gave good hugs, always kissed her goodbye but the one thing that I regret is that I didn't get to say goodbye and tell her that I loved her, the death was very sudden. Maybe if I had said it more often, but even the one regret has an upside. Ya see, it was the last gift my Mom gave her husband and six kids. I never hang up the phone from a sibling or my Dad, leave one of their houses, or in anyway say good bye without telling them that I love them. there not emotional goodbyes necessarily but they are heartfelt and have become a part of us. Thanks for the posting, seems like now even if I cry about the loss of my Mom, it's through a huge smile and this thread definitely made me smile!! Frank |
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22 Aug 00 - 12:32 PM (#282436) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: GUEST,Winters Wages Peter, it's amazing how time passes by. It is about this time of the season that we somehow begin to reflect more on individuals or parents that have gone on so to speak. you know the problems I went through. Just know that you have a lot of friends and support to help you through these moments. Remember the verse in the song "It's I'll be here, in sunshine or in shadow". You are your fathers legacy. Take care and try and not get stressed out over the festival too much. As many times as you have done it, it will kind of all fall in place. Warm Regards Winters Wages er I mean Steven David..or er Gee I fogot I was back in my Living History mode again **BG L.J. |
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22 Aug 00 - 04:19 PM (#282635) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: Melani I was fortunate enough to spend a pleasant evening with my dad 12 hours before he died very suddenly. He missed his grandchildren by two years. You're right, chanteyranger, August has been pretty bad so far, but I'm sure September will be an improvement, just like last year. |
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22 Aug 00 - 11:39 PM (#282980) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: IvanB Uncanny timing for this thread. My mother died last Friday and will be buried tomorrow. My wife and I had planned a visit in early Sept. to give my stepdad a little break from her care (she was in a skilled nursing facility but he visited her for at least two meals a day and usually all three). As luck would have it, we received a call that he had fallen and broken his hip, so we moved our visit ahead and thus were able to start him on his recuperation and visit with mom. Although mom lived much of the last six months in the distant past, she always recognized me and seemed happy to see me. Although I doubt that everything that needs be said between two people ever does, we had probably come pretty close to that ideal and her death, while sad for those of us remaining, was really a blessing due to the poor prognosis for any real recovery. Mom would often brook no argument about her pronouncements, no matter how ridiculous, but she was also one of the most generous and loving people I've ever known. I started missing her six months ago when her mind started going, but the pain is especially intense now that she's physically gone as well. Thanks to all of you who have posted to this thread. The feelings expressed have greatly helped me. I'll be setting my tracer on it, and will probably refer to it frequently as a source of comfort and inspiration. |
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23 Aug 00 - 12:45 AM (#283023) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: wysiwyg chanteyranger, You do your father proud in this thread, and you portray him so clearly that I can see your feelings for him in rich array. It must have pleased him to know that you would go forward from his life into your own future.... and I think you remind those of us who are parents that we too have a share of clearing up old unfinished business with our children. God bless you. ~S~ |
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23 Aug 00 - 02:49 AM (#283058) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: GUEST,Hutzul October 11 will be two years without my Dad. We were seldom in the same house for more than an hour without a battle (I lost - always!) I would never have believed I would miss him so much. I think we were too much alike. But he's the one who gave me music. A wonderful legacy. |
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23 Aug 00 - 04:09 AM (#283084) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: CarolC IvanB, I'm sorry about your mom. Best wishes, Carol |
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23 Aug 00 - 05:59 AM (#283102) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: GUEST,Michael in Swansea My dad died April 2 1986 of bowel cancer and of course I still miss him especially on Sundays. We used to have a pint or two together on Sundays. I feel his death was uneccesssarily early as the doctor diagnosed anxiety and gave him valium. Valium for cancer!!! It was 5 months before he had a second opinion and was diagnosed with the big C and by that time it had spread. If was caught earlier he'd have had a cholostomy and maybe still be with us. Last week the doctor who prescribed anxiety died. All bitterness, that I didn't realise I had pent up inside me, disappeared. That night I said a little prayer for the doctor. Thank you for listening. I suddenly feel a lot better. MYAWIS (may you always walk in sunshine) Llawer o gariad (LOL) Michael Michael |
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24 Aug 00 - 12:54 AM (#283786) Subject: RE: BS: feeling sad: 2nd anniv. of dad's death From: P05139 It can be hard to get over a death. My little sister would have been 14 this October but she was a still birth so I never knew her. I didn't find out about her until I was 9 but ever since then I've cried when I think about her. I'm crying by just typing this. The people who have posted on this thread are lucky that they have memories of the loved ones they have lost, but I haven't because of her still birth. I would just like to say that the pain never goes no matter what you do. It is alright to cry though because you often feel better afterwards. |