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27 Sep 00 - 10:53 PM (#307076) Subject: Wisdom From the Podium From: Uncle Jaque I recently recieved this from a Musician freind in Texas, and a fellow Mudcatter to whom I forwarded it suggested that I share it with the community, so here it is. Can any of you relate? Instructions to the Orchestra: Real Things Said by Real Conductors in Real Rehearsals
*"Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato."
*"There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them."
*"This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of your mother-in-law."
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27 Sep 00 - 11:05 PM (#307077) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Uncle Jaque While we're at it... Here's another (slightly irreverant) one! The Biblical Origins of the Club Date:
(you didn't know they went back that far??) In the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him: "Noah, awake and heed my words!" And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth there?" And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of all things, dummy!" And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?" And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band. "For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets." And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord." And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader." And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?" And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou will be my Contractor. Ask not why!" And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?" And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument on the band, just to be safe." And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?" And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all payments. "Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore." And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?" And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. "First, find me a Drummer. And Three Things above all must this Drummer possess." And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?" And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess me not, my servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. "And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing. "And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness, in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player." And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?" And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all." And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?" "Next shall be the Piano Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. "Furthermore, he shall always be Late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge." And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!" "Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'. "Also shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For Lo; the Guitarists who Readeth shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels. "And his tux shall be the Rattiest." And Noah did say, "It shall be done." And the Lord saith, "Next thou shall need Horns. "First shall be the Saxophones. And they shall be Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when 'In The Mood' is called." "Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing. "And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band." And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!" "Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach Pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great anguish and suffering. "And their job shall be to adorn themselves in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to lament and wail about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing." And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?" And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers. "And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. "And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock 'N Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. "And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco. And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs. "But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, and forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment. "And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why." And Noah did say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord." And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a Committment must be secured from All. And while you're at it,start looking for Subs." And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done." And lo, it was, and is, to this very day! |
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27 Sep 00 - 11:06 PM (#307078) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: bbelle Cute ... gave me a giggle. Loved the "drive-by viola solo." Conjurred up a nifty mental picture. |
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27 Sep 00 - 11:14 PM (#307086) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Sorcha I can seriously relate to this.......I have had an orchestra conductor say most of that, but not so "cutely". My current "piano accordian" player is of the Drummer Mentality. He absolutely does not understand a back beat. But then, neither does Hubby the bodhran player. Sad, ain't it? |
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27 Sep 00 - 11:35 PM (#307097) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny Lawrence Welk: "And-a here we go, so remember, poys, pee on your toes-a." |
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27 Sep 00 - 11:41 PM (#307103) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Margaret V Well, Uncle Jaque, as one who has never once used the shorthand "LOL" in any of my posts, I must report that I have just been LAUGHING OUT LOUD (despite it being nearly midnight)! Something about orchestra admonishment #3 put me over the edge; it has a Pythonesque quality to it, I think.... Margaret |
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28 Sep 00 - 03:51 PM (#307516) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Morticia thank you for these....and verily, she laughest mightily. |
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28 Sep 00 - 03:58 PM (#307521) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Kim C Uderwear? |
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28 Sep 00 - 05:12 PM (#307589) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Morticia no well dressed fresian would be seen without it |
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28 Sep 00 - 07:36 PM (#307721) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Liz the Squeak German knickers as opposed to French knickers.... and we were in hysterics the evening the conductor told the French Horn players to make their puddles over the kettledrums so we could have tea at half time. (for those who don't know, there is a little lever at the bottom-most curve of a french horn (that's the bendy one you cuddle)that opens to let out the condensed water/dribble that builds up over a performance. Our horn players had created such a large puddle at the previous rehearsal that it had ducks on it....) I like the idea of Orpheus in his underpants - I've also had to sing straight faced through the Dream of They're onto us.... with a particularly loud alto section..... LTS |
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28 Sep 00 - 08:05 PM (#307766) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: hesperis I wish my lovely single F horn had one of those nifty levers - I'm always having to turn the dang thing upside down in the middle of a performance, and twist it till the "water" comes out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I need a double. I shouldn't be insulting my instrument. (I've just had a terrible rehearsal and had to leave early. I should be insulting my conductor, but here's not the place for that...) |
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28 Sep 00 - 08:07 PM (#307770) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Liz the Squeak No, here IS the place for that!! LTS |
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28 Sep 00 - 08:31 PM (#307792) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: sophocleese "Sopranos you don't have the melody in this song, you will have to sight read. I'll get some altos to help you." AAARGH!! |
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28 Sep 00 - 08:39 PM (#307797) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: hesperis Well, if you're sure about that... Well, I'm just feeling very unappreciated right now. RANT: I'm the person who started the whole Brass Quintet off, and we've earned more money for the Orchestra in the past year than the whole Orchestra has for the past three years, but one of the Trumpet players got an award for 'helping' make that happen, and I merely got a small verbal nod, only because I have been struggling with personal and health problems and was constantly late for rehearsals. The conductor takes it personally that I have problems, and blames me for it all.
When they need a soloist for a community event, who volunteers? Me. When they need posters designed, who volunteers? Me.
And if I make an extra effort, I can get to the performance on time.
I recently got a part-time job so that I can pay for medical treatments, and I am having an allergic reaction to several things in my workplace. So my energy level is rather low.
I am seriously thinking of leaving, and it grieves me. I LOVE French Horn. I don't belong with that group, they're too bound by rules and conventionality to see what's in front of their focking noses! And I don't have the energy to deal with "blame-the-victim" attitudes right now. END RANT.
Sorry if this post was too much of a bummer, |
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28 Sep 00 - 10:12 PM (#307862) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: sophocleese Sympathy to you hesperis. That's crappy stuff to have happen. Come over sometime and listen to some Goon Shows they'll take your mind right off of it, in fact they'll take your mind right off and dump it somewhere strange beside Neddie Seagoon's knees. |
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28 Sep 00 - 11:22 PM (#307921) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Little Hawk I'm sorry to hear about that, Hesperis. Anyway, your efforts are certainly appreciated by some of us, if not by your blockhead of an orchestra conductor, who doesn't recognize a gem when she sees one. She sounds like another little petty tyrant to me...give 'em a little power and they start throwing their weight around. BTW, Sophocleese is right about the Goon shows...quite funny stuff. Maybe check it out at some point... Enjoy the books in the meantime. LH |
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28 Sep 00 - 11:43 PM (#307948) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: hesperis Thanks, folks. I did need a good dose of sympathy there... I have regained my equilibrium, and am having fun with my art program. I will just have to make it clear to her that this year is for getting myself healthy, not for being a supporting pillar for somebody else's agenda. (In a nice but firm way, of course...) |
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29 Sep 00 - 06:42 PM (#308519) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Liz the Squeak If you do have to give back the horn, take up the tuba instead - take the advice of Flanders and Swann..... Seriously, hope everything works out for you, I've been in similar situations, you bust your arse to do things for people and they crap all over you, then blame you for the smell. They ain't worth killing yourself over. Mind you, if you aren't the only one at the fund raiser, but are the only one threatened with having to pay, you could get justifiably angry.... I would.... Take care, and keep making those puddles....! LTS |
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29 Sep 00 - 07:58 PM (#308584) Subject: RE: BS: Wisdom From the Podium From: Sorcha hesp, I felt just the same way about SCA (medieval re-enactment) cooking. And they treated me the same way. I do not want to quit forever, but I have taken over a year off, and they have found out (after numerous phone calls to beg me!) that someone else can INDEED do it! Tell 'em to tuff it out! |