Song Challenge! Part 40

28 Sep 00 - 11:02 AM (#307320)
Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Hello Challenge!rs -- Can you believe it, we've done almost 40 of these?!? Unbelievable!! Thanks to all of you for playing along, and I hope that we've inspired some of you to start writing songs, and re-inspired others of you to keep up the good work. That's what the Challenge! is all about, so remember to encourage your fellow Challenge!rs with a good word about the songs you like, and you'll get a good word in return.

So, here we go -- Get your tea or coffee ready, sit down in your comfy chair, and let us consider:

The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread. A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket. That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.

Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique. Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods." A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread. "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies. The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."

Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior." Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Go for it, Challenge!rs!! -- Áine

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28 Sep 00 - 11:15 AM (#307326)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Mbo_at_ECU

DOUGH!!

---

28 Sep 00 - 11:28 AM (#307335)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C

Little Sammy Squeezer

Sammy likes to squeeze bread
He can't help himself
When he sees all the goodies
On the grocery shelf

He's squeezin' all night
And he's feelin' all right
Sammy squeezes baked goods
When he can't sleep at night

Not even the fruit-filled cookies are safe
Sammy's little thumbprints
Get them all out of shape

He's squeezin' all night
That boy ain't right
Sammy squeezes baked goods
When he can't sleep at night

Thumb in, thumb out, thumb in, thumb out
Smash that bag and twist and shout

He's squeezin' all night
And he's feelin' all right
Sammy squeezes baked goods
When he can't sleep at night

---

28 Sep 00 - 11:38 AM (#307345)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Dang, Kim C. -- You must've peeked on my PC to have come up with a song that fast! Great job, too. You are hereby awarded the Honorary Five Minutes Flat award. Well done!!

-- Áine

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28 Sep 00 - 12:04 PM (#307359)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C

Gracias, Madame. :)

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28 Sep 00 - 12:25 PM (#307369)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

Mr. Feldman, the bun-squeezing man
(to the tune of "Titanic" -- at least the one I first learned!)

Mrs. Feldman dressed her husband
And took him to the store
And they wandered down
The fresh-bread aisle once more

But when her back was turned
Wringing bread is what he yearned
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

Oh it was sad!
Oh it was sad!
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns
(Man he crushed them good!)
The cookies and rolls,
Felt his viselike hammerhold
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

So they put a camera out
In the Giant grocery store
And they said "we'll catch
Him squeezing bread once more"

And they dusted all the crumbs
On the cookies he would thumb
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

(repeat chorus)

Now they've caught poor Mr. Feldman
And threw him in the can
And they sent out for
A good head-shrinker man

His defense team says he's cracked
The bakers just want their money back
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

(repeat chorus)

(C) 2000 Alex E. Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

AINE -- don't even ask! Of course you may put this in your vaunted vaults!

Man, I love this place.

Alex
O..O
=o=

---

28 Sep 00 - 12:32 PM (#307374)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Catrin

Ummmmm,

My first entry

SAM THE BUN

Sam's gone shopping, it's time for his tea
He wonders through the aisles to see what he can see
Bread and cakes and biscuits are fine for you and me
But Sam has got a passion, he cannot let them be

Chorus
Squeeze Sam squeeze
That icing feels so sticky
Squeeze Sam Squeeze
It's better than a quicky
Squeeze Sam squeeze
Your wife has turned away
Grab a feel of warm soft cake
You've got the hots today

Sam's wife she hollers from till twenty-three
Its 'come along now Sam, wherever can you be?'
'What a cheek you've got, acting like you're free?
Stand up straight and look sharp and carry the bags for me!

Chorus

Sam he dreams of currant buns, of pastry and of cakes
Of cinnamon spice (and all things nice), and the pleasure a biscuit makes
But once he thinks of cream cakes, he smiles a lustful smile
He can't wait 'til the next time he's alone with his aisle

Chorus

Sam he had been this way for a year or maybe three
He thought them unsuspecting, that 'no-one notices me'
But little did he realise, the cameras were in store
They'd captured him in action on aisle forty-four.

Chorus

Sam's passion is all wasted, it's not the same, not now.
His love affair with beloved buns, it's all gone stale somehow.
His wife can't understand him, the neighbours laugh and jeer.
They show the film of his passions at his in-laws, once a year.

---

28 Sep 00 - 12:52 PM (#307387)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C

heeheeheeheee

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28 Sep 00 - 12:53 PM (#307388)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Ooooh, I just love it when a Challenge! brings in a flurry of entries! So, for all you early birds, here's the first set (I hope) of Silver B.L.O.B.s:

Kim C for:

Thumb in, thumb out, thumb in, thumb out
Smash that bag and twist and shout

mousethief for:

But when her back was turned
Wringing bread is what he yearned
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

and Catrin for:

Squeeze Sam squeeze
That icing feels so sticky
Squeeze Sam Squeeze
It's better than a quicky
Squeeze Sam squeeze
Your wife has turned away
Grab a feel of warm soft cake
You've got the hots today

Fantastic!! Keep it going, my brilliant Challenge!rs!

-- Áine

---

28 Sep 00 - 01:04 PM (#307395)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,emily b

Doughboy Sam

Who could be treating those cookies so poor?
The bread loaves are mangled and look mighty sore.
There's a mystery there on aisle fifteen,
The whole Giant is stumped and in an uproar.

A camera is mounted - a prankster to find.
Who would have thought there are those of this kind.
They fondle the buns and the fruit-filled delights.
Clearly this doughboy in not right in the mind.

A trial is held to convict doughboy Sam.
He did unspeakable things to sweets filled with jam.
His m-o never altered, his lust did him rule,
He'd have never been caught if he'd just tried a ham.

line breaks fixed by elf/joeclone

---

28 Sep 00 - 01:05 PM (#307396)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,emily b

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28 Sep 00 - 01:07 PM (#307401)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,emily b

Just when I think it's safe to hit return, it isn't. Aaargh! Obviously I haven't figured out the line breaks, either. Sorry about that. I know somewhere is some direction for it. I'll try to find it and keep it handy.

Emily B

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28 Sep 00 - 01:21 PM (#307411)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C

Once upon a time, a long time ago, my then-boyfriend had stopped at the Mapco for some cigarettes or whatever, while I stayed in the car. Through the window I saw a small child take a doughnut out of the case, take a bite, and put it back. Really.

I guess they start early....

but all this talk about breads is making me HUNGRY!

---

28 Sep 00 - 01:36 PM (#307422)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Here's your Silver B.L.O.B., emily b. for:

A camera is mounted - a prankster to find.
Who would have thought there are those of this kind.
They fondle the buns and the fruit-filled delights.
Clearly this doughboy is not right in the mind.

Well done!

-- Áine

---

28 Sep 00 - 01:40 PM (#307428)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

OK, I'm going to say this one more time -- Remember to encourage your fellow Challenge!rs with a good word about the songs you like, and you'll get a good word in return.

We've got some great stuff here already -- Pat each other on the back, you all deserve it!!

-- Áine

---

28 Sep 00 - 01:44 PM (#307432)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

Well I'm dissatisfied with my entry, now that I've seen the quality of the others'. Way to go, gang! This is more fun than wringing the bejezuz out of a loaf of warm Wonder Bread!

Alex
O..O
=o=

---

28 Sep 00 - 02:07 PM (#307449)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum

WILL THE COOKIES BE ALL BROKEN

{sung to ,will the circle....}

(chorus}: Will the cookies be all broken,
And the loaves of bread attacked,
I can't rest till Betty Crocker,
And the doughboy have been whacked.

My name is Sammy Feldman,
And no one can understand,
The kind of thrill it gives me,
To smash baked goods with my hands.

{chorus}

Doesn't matter if it's whole wheat,
It doesn't matter if it's rye,
Or a loaf of pumpernickle,
Gives me a twinkle in my eye.

{chorus}

I was standing by the baked goods,
With my wife there by my side,
When she turned to get some crackers,
I committed yeasticide.

{chorus}

Then I headed for the cookies,
Yet they knew not of their doom,
First I'll start with Honey Grahams,
Then I'll stalk the Lorna Doone.

{chorus}

But I did not see the camera,
That taped all these violent tales,
I was hauled away in shackles,
With cookies neath my fingernails.

{chorus}

Now I'm standing in the courtroom,
I can't plead my innocence,
Cause they've got a bag of Oreos,
Covered with my fingerprints.

{chorus}

Now the judge thinks I'm unstable,
He says I'm crazy in the head,
But in jail they give you 3 squares,
And each meal's served with bread.

Will the cookies all be broken,
And the loaves of bread attacked,
I can't rest till Betty Crocker,
And the Doughboy have been whacked.

Ron, whoallofasuddenhasacravingforadonut.

line breaks added by elf/joeclone

---

28 Sep 00 - 02:13 PM (#307458)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Catrin

Mousethief - you the talented one! - KimC and EmilyB too. What fun this is - I stayed late at work finishing that - can you believe it?!

I was giggling to myself all the way home on the bus! Some strange looks indeed..........

---

28 Sep 00 - 02:57 PM (#307469)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: McGrath of Harlow

I can't help, my fingers tingle,
I don't know where this will end;
in the crowded shops I mingle,
no-one know what I intend.
Oh what fierce and deep revulsion!
See, I wear the mark of Cain.
what a strange and sweet compulsion.
"The cookie crusher strikes again."

Twisting loaves, I show no pity,
fingers clenched, I tear and rend.
Panic runs throughout the city,
like a phantom I descend.
Oh what dark mysterious notions
run within this fevered brain,
acting out my dread devotions
"The cookie crusher strikes again."

Hear my words now - when I've spoken
time for you to turn away.
Like the loaves that I have broken,
I was touched upon that day.
Supermarket, super budget
wrapped and packed in cellophane
You can look, but if you touch it
"The cookie crusher strikes again!"

I thought there just might be another side to this.

---

28 Sep 00 - 03:05 PM (#307474)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Bardford

There is some tasty stuff cooking in this thread, any way you slice it.Here's mine: (The poem I ripped off has a stove in it - coinicidence or....)

There are strange things done in the bread section
By the men who shop for buns
The crumbs leave trails
That speak of lost sales
Clearly something must be done.
The market lights have seen queer sights
But the queerest they ever did see
Was the day Sam, spouse of Marge,
Was busted and charged
In The Takedown in Aisle Three.

Now Sam, you see, was from down in Yardley,
A quiet Pennsylvania town
How it got in his head to mess with the bread
Is a story that needs written down.
Like some baby boomers, he was just a consumer,
Attracted and smitten by labels
Though he'd often say in a pensive way
"I feel the need to crush a few bagels."

One Saturday as Marge made her way
Through the morning shopping throngs
Sam slipped away to the Twinkie display
Right next to the vanilla Ding-Dongs.
Heart beat a fast clip, beads of sweat on his lip
Over his hands he had no control
He could not resist, unclenching his fist
Sam digitally examined a roll.

The tension abated, urge temporarily sated,
But over time his compulsion grew stronger.
Sam's trips to the store became more and more
And at the bakery he'd linger longer.
He'd stand transfixed and amazed , eyes like donuts, o'er glazed,
And survey the assortment before him.
Cookies, loafs buns and cakes gave him trembles and shakes
And Sam lost all sense of decorum.

Not a baked good escaped being squeezed and reshaped
By Sam's prodding fingers and thumbs
If he had his will, he'd be feeling buns still,
But for the prints, and the trail of crumbs.
The baker had his suspicions, and closed circuit television
Helped to identify Sam as the guy
Who'd abused the baked items, more woe betide him,
The SWAT team was called by and by.

All the Giant clients agree the scene in aisle three
Was like nothing they'd ever witnessed
The cops were later praised for their tact,
Their compassion, and physical fitness.
After the arrest, Sam looked depressed
In the squad car for the first couple blocks
But his animosity towards the cops turned brotherly,
When he saw next to him, a dozen donuts, on the seat, in a box.

line breaks added by elf/joeclone

---

28 Sep 00 - 03:07 PM (#307476)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

Nice rhyming, Bradford! Clever twist at the end too!

Alex
O..O
=o=

---

28 Sep 00 - 03:11 PM (#307478)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Bardford

Sorry about that, I dropped an "r" in the break.
There are strange things done in the bread section
By the men who shop for buns
The crumbs leave trails
That speak of lost sales
Clearly something must be done.
The market lights have seen queer sights
But the queerest they ever did see
Was the day Sam, spouse of Marge,
Was busted and charged
In The Takedown in Aisle Three.

Now Sam, you see, was from down in Yardley,
A quiet Pennsylvania town
How it got in his head to mess with the bread
Is a story that needs written down.
Like some baby boomers, he was just a consumer,
Attracted and smitten by labels
Though he'd often say in a pensive way
"I feel the need to crush a few bagels."

One Saturday as Marge made her way
Through the morning shopping throngs
Sam slipped away to the Twinkie display
Right next to the vanilla Ding-Dongs.
Heart beat a fast clip, beads of sweat on his lip
Over his hands he had no control
He could not resist, unclenching his fist
Sam digitally examined a roll.

The tension abated, urge temporarily sated,
But over time his compulsion grew stronger.
Sam's trips to the store became more and more
And at the bakery he'd linger longer.
He'd stand transfixed and amazed , eyes like donuts, o'er glazed,
And survey the assortment before him.
Cookies, loafs buns and cakes gave him trembles and shakes
And Sam lost all sense of decorum.

Not a baked good escaped being squeezed and reshaped
By Sam's prodding fingers and thumbs
If he had his will, he'd be feeling buns still,
But for the prints, and the trail of crumbs.
The baker had his suspicions, and closed circuit television
Helped to identify Sam as the guy
Who'd abused the baked items, more woe betide him,
The SWAT team was called by and by.

All the Giant clients agree the scene in aisle three
Was like nothing they'd ever witnessed
The cops were later praised for their tact,
Their compassion, and physical fitness.
After the arrest, Sam looked depressed
In the squad car for the first couple blocks
But his animosity towards the cops turned brotherly,
When he saw next to him, a dozen donuts, on the seat, in a box.

---

28 Sep 00 - 03:14 PM (#307481)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum

Kim,Alex,Catrin & Emily, WOW!!!!Great stuff!

Ron.

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28 Sep 00 - 03:24 PM (#307488)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum

McGrath, Bardford,& all the rest.

I BOW HUMBLY AT YOUR FEET.

Ron.

---

28 Sep 00 - 03:29 PM (#307495)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C

If I were having a Coke right now, y'all would make it come out my nose. (that's a compliment, see?) :):):):):)

Especially Dharmabaum!

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28 Sep 00 - 03:37 PM (#307501)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Geez loueez -- This just keeps getting better and better! And I see we have a brand new Challenge!r, too. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Bardford!! Looks like another round of Silver B.L.O.B.s are needed, so here ya go:

Dharmabum for:

I was standing by the baked goods,
With my wife there by my side,
When she turned to get some crackers,
I committed yeasticide.

McGrath of Harlow for:

Oh what fierce and deep revulsion!
See, I wear the mark of Cain.
what a strange and sweet compulsion.
"The cookie crusher strikes again."

Bardford for:

Heart beat a fast clip, beads of sweat on his lip
Over his hands he had no control
He could not resist, unclenching his fist
Sam digitally examined a roll.

And for you newbies, a Silver B.L.O.B. is a little in-thread award 'Silver Best Line O' Bull' for special bits of verse that deserve special attention ;-) -- You all still get the 'big prizes' at the end of the Challenge!, so keep checking in...

Well done, everyone!!

-- Áine

---

28 Sep 00 - 03:51 PM (#307515)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Well, here goes my little ditty -- It pales in comparision to all that went before it -- But, I kept thinking about the cause and effect, shall we say. So, here's my (perverse) take on it:

With Extra Relish (No tune -- any suggestions?)

Well Sammy's wife, Zoe, was so worried,
That Sam had a wandering eye,
She went in for a little tooshy tuck,
But the result made our poor Sammy cry.

Instead of the soft buns that he cherished,
His Zoe now had two hard mounds,
Now when he gave them a little loving squeeze,
His heart sank right down to the ground.

One day at the market, our dear Sammy
Found himself in the bakery aisle,
Perusing the rows of buns and cakes now,
Our Sammy grew a big foot-long smile.

Now Zoe could never imagine,
Why Sam suddenly seemed to yearn,
To do all the shopping at the market,
And her handmade bread always would burn.

For three years their marriage was blissful,
'Till at the news stand our Zoe did stop,
And there on the front page was her Sammy,
For bun bashing he had been popped!

The trial made the TV and the Internet,
CNN and MSNBC, too,
But Zoe kept quiet through it all now,
And made plans about what next to do.

Well they moved to Las Vegas in the springtime,
And Zoe got tucked at the top,
With her biscuits and buns, she got a new job,
And Sam promised his habits to drop.

Now Zoe she's dancing at casinos,
And Sam sells hot dogs on the side,
With a smile he dispenses 'Sammy's Special',
A foot-long with a bun extra wide!

---

28 Sep 00 - 04:51 PM (#307567)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

This is too fun. Sorry if it's against the rules to post twice. I'll stand by my first song for the judging. But who can resist this topic?

Big Bad Sam
(to the tune of Big Bad John -- with apologies to Jimmy Dean)

Every morning at the store when the bread arrived
You could smell it from the meat section to aisle five
It was soft and yeasty and smelled so fine
But something was unhinged in the so-called mind of big Sam
Chorus: Big Sam, Big Sam -- Big, bad Sam (repeat after each verse)

Now Sam came to the Giant every day or two
With his wife, Mrs. Feldman, who loved him true
She walked around with Sammy through the aisles so wide
Never knowing he was contemplating loaficide, that Sam

But after the Feldmans had checked out and gone
The manager noticed that something was wrong
In the bread aisle, the loaves were mangled black and blue
And they wondered if this had something to do with big Sam

So they set up a camera to tape record
What happened to the bread at the Giant store
And what did they catch on that 18-hour tape
But Sam getting fresh with Little Debbie's cakes, bad Sam

Yes the tape showed Sam taking liberties
With the baked goods he ought to have gently squeezed
He stood like a thief, and when wifey looked away
He fondled the buns in a brutal way, bad Sam.

They brought him into court and the judge cried "Foul!"
And Sammy's wife let out a mournful howl
They cuffed him up and drug him off to cell #9
And everybody knew it was the end of the line for big Sam.

Now Sam's in treatment for his fetish so strange
And his wife is praying his obsession will change
As she said to the press in a tearful whine,
"He squeezed the store's buns, but he never squeezed mine." Bad Sam.
Big Sam, big Sam, big bad Sam.

© 2000 Alex E. Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

-----

Alex
O..O
=o=

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28 Sep 00 - 04:54 PM (#307570)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Uncle_DaveO

Wow, Aine! And I'd thought the earlier songs were good!!!

Dave Oesterreich

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28 Sep 00 - 04:58 PM (#307575)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Catrin

What a clever bunch of catters!!!

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28 Sep 00 - 05:00 PM (#307577)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: MMario

oh, sure, I'm off the 'cat for a lousy 18 hours and you guys go to town!!!!

What an incredible collection of challenge entries! My hat is off to all of you. I'm up to my neck in training and transcribing, so I'll catch the next one, maybe...

*BRAVO!* to you all!

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28 Sep 00 - 05:17 PM (#307598)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Dear mousethief -- You can enter as many songs as you want to, darlin'! (And that goes for all Challenge!rs, by the way). And here's another Silver B.L.O.B. for:

Now Sam's in treatment for his fetish so strange
And his wife is praying his obsession will change
As she said to the press in a tearful whine,
"He squeezed the store's buns, but he never squeezed mine." Bad Sam.
Big Sam, big Sam, big bad Sam.

I love it!!

And MMario -- You know what the Keeper of the Book always says -- A Challenge! is never over!! When you get a minute, just type in your entry, and appropriate cudos and awards will be bestowed...;-)

-- Áine

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28 Sep 00 - 06:31 PM (#307653)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Bradypus

This is getting to be a classic Challenge! So many good songs in the first six hours, it's hard to keep track of what compliments to give to whom. I love McGrath's language, rich the whole way through, and mousethief's tunes (both of them, well executed), and Aine's title, and Catrin's chorus, and Bardford's first entry (welcome to the club) and and and anyway, I'd better try to write something myself!

Bradypus

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28 Sep 00 - 07:00 PM (#307677)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Bradypus

Bread Squeezin' Blues

I got the bread squeezin' blues, babe
I got them all the day
Until I find a loaf to squeeze
These blues won't go away.

I take the bread and squeeze it
It makes me feel so good
And when I find some buns to squeeze
It eases up my mood

Obsessive compulsive disorder
Sing it if you can
Cos baby, I'm an obsessive, compulsive
Disorderly breadsqueezin' man

I found a bag of cookies
I gave the bag a squeeze
Some mudcatters lost their cookies
Well, they won't be wantin' these

The security camera caught me
My excuses all sound lame
But now that I'm on film, you see
I've got bread squeezin' fame

They said 'Why did you do it
Why squeeze the bread just so ?'
I tell them why I do it
It's because I need the dough

They got a court psychiatrist
To look inside my head
She said that all my brains looked just
Like blue mouldy squeezed bread

Bread squeezing blues, dear
I don't think I'm mad
Squeezin' bread and cookies
Is the only fun I've had

Don't give me no whisky
Lovin' me's no use
There ain't a cure in all the earth
For bad bread squeezin' blues

Oh Yeah !!!!

---

28 Sep 00 - 08:05 PM (#307765)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

My dear Bradypus, a wunnerful, wunnerful entry as usual. Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for:

Obsessive compulsive disorder
Sing it if you can
Cos baby, I'm an obsessive, compulsive
Disorderly breadsqueezin' man

Sing those blues, Mr. B.!

-- Áine

---

28 Sep 00 - 08:13 PM (#307775)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum

THE BAKER BOYS LAMENT

I'm little Sammy Feldman,
And my story's to be told,
I hang out in the market,
Where the bread and cakes are sold.

I am a little scary,
Even by my own admission,
I feel that I am going through,
A rather strange transition.

I cannot pass a pastry,
Without giving it a punch,
The same goes for the cookies,
I just have to hear them crunch.

My mother said it started,
When I was just a boy,
I wasn't like the others,
Who were playing with their toys.

I had a strange desire,
A call I had to heed,
I never could control it,
Call it a need to knead.

When I became a young man,
I thought a baker I could be,
It made a lot of sense,
It fit my strange activity.

And so I joined the college,
Of cullinary arts,
Where I learned to bake all kinds of bread,
And pies ,& cakes , & tarts.

While there I met a young girl,
She stole my heart in a big way,
And we planned to wed each other,
Until our wedding day.

You see I had to tell her,
Of my rather strange desire,
To feel the warmth of bread dough,
Than to feel her inner fire.

She took the news quite poorly,
I knew it wouldn't work,
As she ran off I heard her say,
"You're just a kneady jerk"!

Now I lament my lost love,
In this supermarket isle,
Squeezing all the pastry,
With a slightly evil smile.

And so you see this is the way,
I fulfill my fantasy,
Cause there is no better way,
To please a weirdo just like me.

Ron.

line breaks added by elf/joeclone

---

28 Sep 00 - 08:20 PM (#307784)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

LOL!!! ROTFLMAO!!! I can just hear you snickering as you wrote that, Ron . . . Here's another Silver B.L.O.B. for:

Now I lament my lost love,
In this supermarket isle,
Squeezing all the pastry,
With a slightly evil smile.

I'm so glad you're such a naughty boy, you know... ;-)

-- Áine

---

28 Sep 00 - 08:36 PM (#307796)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum

Thanks Aine, I am a very naughty boy {snicker, snicker} Ron.

---

28 Sep 00 - 09:26 PM (#307835)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Uncle_DaveO

Bradypus, your Bread Squeezin' Blues would go with "Ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe"--You know, "Don't think twice, it's all right.!

Dave Oesterreich

---

29 Sep 00 - 05:54 AM (#308042)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock

Apologies in advance, but I couldn't resist it:

You put your right thumb in,
Your right thumb out,
Your right thumb in
And you squish it all about,
You do the Cookie Pokey
And you turn around,
And that's what it's all about....

WOOOAAHHH bread and cookie pokey,
WOOOAAHHH bread and cookie pokey,
WOOOAAHHH bread and cookie pokey,
And that's what it's all about!

---

29 Sep 00 - 08:09 AM (#308072)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Catrin

me too ROTFLMAO!

Every time I look at this thread I'm more and more impressed by us all!

Cheers,

Catrin

---

29 Sep 00 - 10:04 AM (#308135)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

I love the cookie pokey! Made me literally laugh out loud at work this morning! Thanks, Fib!

Alex
O..O
=o=

---

29 Sep 00 - 10:14 AM (#308141)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,emily b

Wow! Everybody is joining in and we're all LOL. Good work to all. Is it just me, or did the food theme really speak to you all, too?

Aine, thanks for starting all of this amusement. I didn't discover the challenges until somewhere in their 20's. I must go back and read through the older ones. This is just too much fun.

I look forward to more great songs.

Emily

---

29 Sep 00 - 10:56 AM (#308163)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST, "5 minutes Flat"

You guys are really rolling along. I am amazed at the wealth of talent the Cat attracts.

If you can persuade your Song goddess to do so, you might have fun with this whacky situation from Reuters:

Pencil-Carrying Camel Convoy Blocked

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Saudi Arabia has refused to allow a convoy of camels carrying pencils to Iraq to pass through its territory, Iraqi newspapers said Thursday.

Quoting an Interior Ministry source, the newspapers said the pencils were donated by the people of the United Arab Emirates (UAE) in a gesture of support for ordinary Iraqis.

``Sheikh Sa'd Bin Tha'in al-Mansouri and a number of the UAE people decided to organize a convoy of camels to transport one million pencils to Iraq via Saudi Arabia,'' the source said.

He said al-Mansouri submitted a request to the Saudi embassy in the UAE requesting permission to cross Saudi territory, but this was turned down.

Iraq's relations with the six-member Gulf Cooperation Council -- a regional alliance comprising Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, Oman, Bahrain and the UAE were strained by Iraq's 1990 invasion of Kuwait. Kuwait and Saudi Arabia have yet to resume diplomatic relations with Iraq.

The UAE, which joined a U.S.-led alliance that drove Iraqi troops out of Kuwait in 1991, has led calls to end Iraq's isolation.

In 1998, the UAE began a ferry service between Dubai and Iraq's port of Umm Qasr with United Nations permission. In April the UAE reopened its embassy in Baghdad.

My father used to play in a Dixieland band, and they did a real footstompin' version of the "Sheik of Araby" when they got into their cups; after every phrase of the song, they would all yell "With no pants on!" at the top of their lungs. Just try it next time you're singing that ditty...

The metaphors about leads in pencils and grinders used for sharpening pencils and so on also flood tot he fore as fodder for your fertile imaginations....

G'wan, ask the Goddess!

Regards,

Amos

---

29 Sep 00 - 11:03 AM (#308168)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: SINSULL

A foot long with a bun extra wide??? HEE HEE HEE.

A need to Knead???
This has to be the best challenge ever.

---

29 Sep 00 - 11:13 AM (#308174)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Dear "5 Minutes Flat" (a/k/a Amos),

What, you forgot my email address? What's up with this sticking a different Challenge! suggestion in the middle of another one? You're really throwing a spanner in the works as far as my 'numbering system' goes, ya know...

OK, Challenge!rs, if you want to pen a pencil song, so to speak, go for it...but remember, it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of an eraser than to make Amos behave himself...*BG*

-- Áine

---

29 Sep 00 - 11:19 AM (#308179)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

I think we oughtta put the chill on any new topics until this one has run its course.

I was actually hoping for attack monkeys, myself.

I mean hoping for attack monkeys as a challenge! topic.

Alex
O..O
=o=

---

29 Sep 00 - 11:27 AM (#308187)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Oops! Dear Fibula Mattock -- I forgot to say how much I like the Cookie Pokey!! You are hereby awarded a Silver B.L.O.B. for your entry. Now, have you thought about what you might do with all the other appendages?!? That might lead to some really interesting verses (hahahaha)!!

And mousethief - Just between you and me, I'd already planned to steal the attack monkeys for the upcoming Song Challenge! Part 42. Bert has already sent me a great suggestion for Part 41. Aaahhh, the anticipation mounts!

-- Áine

---

29 Sep 00 - 11:43 AM (#308199)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock

Thank you!!! I feel so proud!! Yes, the Cookie Pokey can continue, but I'm not eating from that particular store! Oooh, the buns, the baps, the crumpet...bread related innuendo is just toooo delicious!

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:02 PM (#308216)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Mbo

Cookiemangler
Tune: "Acquiesce" by Oasis

I don't know what is that makes it seem so fun
I don't know why I like to maul and mangle buns
I don't know why I smash fruit-centered cookies with my thumb

I do it all the time in every store I see
I can fondle, smash, and mash but no one catches me
It really gets me off and the best part is it's free

I love to squeeze all the baked stuffs
From apple pie to the cream puffs
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff
I love to squeeze all the baked stuff
From the apple pie to a cream puff
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff

The cookies aisle's empty and I'm all alone
I gotta dip my thumb into a buttered scone
And crumble English muffins until there's naught left but cornpone

I don't like when my wife comes to the store with me
So I smash behind her back so that she can't see
Oh quishing break and cookies is such sweet ecstasy!

I love to squeeze all the baked stuffs
From apple pie to the cream puffs
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff
I love to squeeze all the baked stuffs
From apple pie to the cream puffs
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff

I love to squeeze....I love to squeeze
I need to squeeze....I love to squeeze
I want to squeeze....I love to squeeze

--Matt

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:09 PM (#308220)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock

Mbo, I though you would turn up with that Oasis bready ode to soup: "You get a roll with it..."

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:13 PM (#308227)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Mbo

I don't worry, Fib, I've told that joke SO many times, my family is sick of it. BTW did I mention I'm a rapidly closing in on owning ever piece of music Oasis has ever recorded? My name is Matthew Richards, I'm quite an Oasis buff...

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:14 PM (#308228)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

oops! sorry about that -- forgot to turn off the bold and the font size. Could'a swore I did that. Sigh.

Alex
O..O
=o=

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:20 PM (#308233)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock

Mbo, I have seen the scathing attacks on the critics of the Mancunian scene. I must admit I'm not a fan. I wouldn't go out of my way to listen to them BUT I wouldn't turn of the radio if they were on. I remember years ago when I was waitressing in a cafe back home, and their first ever single had been released. It came onto the radio and the girl I was working with said "Oh, my cousin's in that band" (her surname being Arthurs). I thought "Hmmm, another bunch of no-hopers. They'll never make it. How wrong I was...

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:27 PM (#308238)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Mbo

OH MY GOD!!! You worked with Bonehead's cousin! WHOA!!!!!! I bow at your feet!!!! Bonehead (Paul Arthurs) is AWESOME! Sadly, he left the group, but he's a great guy. Their album Be Here Now was dedicated to his mother. BTW that very first single was 1994's "Supersonic", a KICKASS song, that I was singing just today! WORSHIIIIIIP!!!!

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:29 PM (#308240)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock

It's a tenuous connection, though. It would have been a lot more interesting if I'd actually BEEN that cousin!

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:34 PM (#308242)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Mbo

That's so cool still! BTW "Bonehead's Bank Holiday" is on my new tape, which is FINISHED and should be getting sent out in about 2 weeks.

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:38 PM (#308246)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock

Gotta go - pub awaits and I'm offline for the weekend. I have to go and see the nightlife in my new city of residence.
Bye, Fib.

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:39 PM (#308248)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

Knew this thread couldn't go on much longer without a hijacking.

Alex
O..O
=o=

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:42 PM (#308251)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock

Ha! Mousethief! I stayed around long enough to see that!!! (By the way, an aside again, but referring to Jethro Tull, does the mousetheif get caught by their mousepolice?)

---

29 Sep 00 - 12:44 PM (#308252)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

Ya caught me, ya ol' funnybone!

Never been caught by the mousepolice, thankfully. Don't get the Jethro Tull reference.

clueless in Seattle,
Alex
O..O
=o=

---

29 Sep 00 - 03:25 PM (#308376)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

What the heck happened here?!? I go off to the park with my ankle biters, and what do I come back to but interminable thread creep!! *BG* Mbo, Fibula, consider your buns spanked for all this chit-chatting (Mbo - get that sly smile off your face, now...)

Well, at least there are two more great Challenge! songs to award Silver B.L.O.B.s to, so here we go:

To Mbo for:

The cookies aisle's empty and I'm all alone
I gotta dip my thumb into a buttered scone
And crumble English muffins until there's naught left but cornpone

To mousethief for:

And if you find it helps your mind better squeeze 'em fast
It's a blast
Wish that I could make it last

Well done, both of you!

-- Áine

---

29 Sep 00 - 05:18 PM (#308463)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum

WOW, you guys have really come up with some kick ass challanges on this one!

I could use a title for this one.

Sung to {these are a few of my favorite things}

Squashing the hot dog rolls makes my heart flutter,
Mangling bread loaves with tops made of butter,
Destroying a donut just makes my heart sing,
Raising hell in the market's my favorite thing.

Squeezing the cupcakes with sweet frosted topping,
Once I get started there just ain't no stopping,
Smashing the cookies with my clenched fist,
Where are the Twinkies they're next on my list.

{Chorus}
When the boss yells,
When the wife's pissed,
When I'm feeling sad,
I take it out on a box of Ding Dongs,
Then I don't feeeeeeeelllllll,
Soooooooo Baaaaaaaad.

I'm on a mission to search & destroy,
With a gleam in my eye I look rather coy,
It looks like a warzone in my aftermath,
When the bakery isle has suffered my wrath.

The doctors all tell me I have a condition,
The police just tell me assume the position,
I hear little voices inside of my head,
They keep telling me to squeeze loaves of bread.

{Chorus}
When the boss yells,
When the wife's pissed,
When I'm feeling sad,
I take my frustration out on some whole wheat,
Then I don't feeeeeellllll,
Soooooooo Baaaaaaad.

Ron.

Can't you just picture Julie Andrews singing this one?

line breaks added by elf/joeclone

---

29 Sep 00 - 05:21 PM (#308465)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Mbo

DB, that's a pure riot! Aine, Silver Blob for this man! The part about the search & destroy gets it!

Boy, it must be the combination of Oasis, and a cool Friday afternoon, but I can't stop laughing!

---

29 Sep 00 - 05:22 PM (#308466)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: MMario

"My carbohydrate thing?"

---

29 Sep 00 - 05:54 PM (#308479)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: McGrath of Harlow

Some amazing stuff here. Keep going, we're on a roll! (How appropriate that expression suddenly seems...)

---

29 Sep 00 - 05:59 PM (#308485)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Geez, Ron, you didn't make it at all easy this time to pick a verse for your Silver B.L.O.B.; but, this is the one I finally decided was my favourite:

The doctors all tell me I have a condition,
The police just tell me assume the position,
I hear little voices inside of my head,
They keep telling me to squeeze loaves of bread.

Ooohhh -- my sides are hurting from laughing all day! Keep going, Challenge!rs!!

-- Áine

---

29 Sep 00 - 07:21 PM (#308551)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Alrightey then, Challenge!rs, put on your top hats, tails and tap shoes -- It's time for putting on the Ritz (cracker, that is!):

Bread Does Something To Me
(Tune: You Do Something To Me, with abject apologies to Cole Porter)

Bread does something to me,
Something that makes me feel so squishy,
Yeast has a pull over me,
Watching it rise can hypnotize me.
I'm totally under its spell,
Let dough do that voodoo that dough does so well,
For bread does something to me,
That nobody else can do.

When I cram my thumb into jam,
It's better than any slam, bam, thanks ma'am,
I feel like a full charging ram,
Even though many call me 'Mad Sam',
When I choke a croissant,
I change from depressive to a bon vivant,
For bread does something to me,
That nobody else can do.

(Orchestral bridge with plenty of violins . . . Solo tap dance with single pink cell spot on center stage . . . that's it, step-ball-change, step-ball-change, slide, slide, wash the windows, wash the windows, slow turn tipping top hat and pointing cane to the four corners . . . Orchestra gently flows back into the melody for song . . .)

But when I was caught in the act,
Exposed, I had to face the fact that,
Buns, bread and bagels so fat,
Could bring me too soon to requiescat,
So I've got a new tune,
Playing Elvis in Vegas at weddings 'till noon,
For bread does something to me,
(Orchestra builds...) That nobody else can do!
(Down on one knee, holding top hat and cane out to each side)

Thunderous applause and a standing ovation!!!

---

29 Sep 00 - 07:49 PM (#308576)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum

Thunderous applause & standing ovation.

YAY Aine!!!!!!!!

---

29 Sep 00 - 08:15 PM (#308594)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Thank you, thank you very much... ;-)

---

29 Sep 00 - 11:40 PM (#308720)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: MMario

The keeper of the book doesn't contribute often, but when she does it's always a winner!

---

30 Sep 00 - 05:47 AM (#308873)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Catrin

Claps and claps and applauses!!!!

---

30 Sep 00 - 06:20 PM (#309185)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

OK, Challenge!rs -- Is that it? Have you all exhausted yourselves on the bread fetish issue? Are we done with this one? Let me know, 'cos I've got another great Challenge! waiting in the wings . . .

-- Áine

---

30 Sep 00 - 06:26 PM (#309193)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Uncle_DaveO

Hold on a bit. I was awake with this for about an hour last night in bed, had it just about written in my head. Mighty pleased with myself. When I sat down to a piece of paper today, it's gone, but I know the song I'll sing it to and the general approach. Going to a family birthday celebration tonight, but I should probably have it in tomorrow.

Dave Oesterreich

---

30 Sep 00 - 06:55 PM (#309205)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Brilliant! Dave O -- We'll wait for you to eat some birthday cake and get some bakery good inspiration. Can't wait to see what you come up with!

-- Áine

---

01 Oct 00 - 06:41 PM (#309828)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Just refreshing this for DaveO...

-- Áine

---

01 Oct 00 - 07:03 PM (#309845)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Uncle_DaveO

Sorry, I've just lost it. Haven't been able to retrieve what I had thought was pretty decent. MAYBE later, but go on without me. Thanx for your patience.

Dave Oesterreich

---

01 Oct 00 - 07:45 PM (#309873)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Naemanson

Well, I didn't think inspiration would strike until too late. I was beginning to worry that I couldn't be inspired while suffering from this damn cold. But this came to me today and I jotted it down. Hope you like it.

Use the tune to the Sailor's Grace. The title is also the first line.

Bread loaf, Bread loaf, why sit you there,
Safe on the shelf without a care,
All wrapped up and stacked so neat
The white bread, rye bread, bran and wheat.

Then you know who comes along
Old Sam Feldman with fingers strong
When his wife has turned around,
He crushes you and puts you down.

Even cookies feel his grip,
He grabs them quick and his thumb he slips,
Under the cellophane and into the goo
The thumb presses fast and your crumbs too.

The managers at the Giant store,
Put up with this for 3 years or more,
Video cameras they then installed
To jail the criminal to haul.

Feldman's fetish runs so deep
That baked goods into his dreams they creep,
Rack on rack of bread and cakes
He crushes them as quick as they're baked.

They caught Sam in the act they did,
Caught him bread handed just like a kid.
They arrested him and hauled him to jail,
I'm innocent they heard him wail.

I squeeze bread just like everyone,
Never been arrested though I've squeezed a ton.
I've squeezed bread on a mermaid boat,
And at the wake of circus bloke.

When Uncle Harry left the cops perplexed,
I squeezed their donuts and left them vexed,
The dungmeister's sandwich I did too
Though I cringed to see it held brown goo.

In Sperlonga I went to drink
Coffee black and in a wink,
When she wasn't looking I reached out
And crumbled the biscuits all about.

But now my crumbing days are o'er
They took me to jail and closed the door.
My only friend in this lousy bitch
Thinks M&M's will make him rich.

---

01 Oct 00 - 08:33 PM (#309902)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

YEE-HAW AND ALL RIGHT, NAEMANSON!!!! You've qualified for the Golden Cow Chip with Two-Fer-One Coupon (The Two-Fer-One Coupon is awarded to those Challenge!rs who use two or more Challenge! topics in one song) -- You've got SEVEN topics so far . . . With just THREE more, you'll win the Imperial Order of the All-In-One Genius with Platinum Tufts Award (The Imperial Order of the All-In-One Genius with Platinum Tufts Award is given to the Challenge!rs who use ten or more Challenge! topics in one song).

C'mon Naemanson, c'mon Naemanson, c'mon Naemanson -- We're all rootin' fer ya, baby!!!

-- Áine

---

02 Oct 00 - 01:03 PM (#310290)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

C'mon Naemanson, c'mon Naemanson, c'mon Naemanson ...

---

02 Oct 00 - 01:17 PM (#310299)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief

Naemanson: I like "bread-handed." LOL!

Alex
O..O
=o=

---

02 Oct 00 - 01:17 PM (#310300)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum

WHOOF,WHOOF,WHOOF,WHOOF,WHOOF,WHOOF,WHOOF,

---

02 Oct 00 - 02:15 PM (#310340)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

OK, Naemanson, just to give you some more encouragement; here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for:

When Uncle Harry left the cops perplexed,
I squeezed their donuts and left them vexed,
The dungmeister's sandwich I did too
Though I cringed to see it held brown goo.

Although, I have to say that it was extremely difficult picking just one 'cherry' verse out of that song -- C'mon Naemanson - go for the Platinum!!!!

-- Áine

---

02 Oct 00 - 04:04 PM (#310392)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Naemanson

Oh how can I resist. Let me review the previous cahllenges and see what I can come up with.

---

02 Oct 00 - 04:26 PM (#310402)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Naemanson

There I was sitting at home, watching a movie and suffering with this cold, not wanting to do anything. then I said maybe I'll check in with the old Mudcat. And what do I find? Cheering hordes egging me on to flights of inspiration that I may not be up to. So I dragged the keyboard closer and leave these words as my last breath escapes my body.

There's one batch of cookies almost done me in,
They were setting in the window of a kitchen
Catrin's cookies were easy to crack,
But I tasted my fingers and almost went back

Lucky Charms I did crunch 'em too,
In the box it was one hard job to do
But I foiled the Mudcatters in their toil,
When they looked inside their songs were spoiled.

And so the judge he says to me,
You're sentenced to the penitentiary
A court psychologist you must meet
After they pry him from the outhouse seat.

---

02 Oct 00 - 06:20 PM (#310500)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

We knew you had it in ya, Naemanson!! See what talent can do, even if it has the sniffles?!? Well done, Challenge!r, and I do hope you will enjoy your newly bestowed O.A.I.O.G., P.T.! -- Although the other two recipients have complained about some scratchiness... ;-)

All other Golden Chips et al. to be awarded later this evening.

-- Áine

---

02 Oct 00 - 07:02 PM (#310547)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Naemanson

There I was, just loafing around, when I thought I should write one more crumby verse. Rye-ly I settled down at the keyboard. With a mumbled prayer I croissant myself and settled down to work. Fortunately I found I could rise to the occasion, at yeast one more time. All I kneaded was inspiration. So I bagel your indulgence for one more verse.

Aine is queen of Challenger's all,
She sets 'em up, we make them fall,
When she reads them she's so pleased,
When she finds her buns have been squeezed!

Or is this toast considered a browned nose verse?

---

02 Oct 00 - 07:07 PM (#310552)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Well, Challenge!rs, I think you've said it all about this topic -- and you've been brilliant! Here are your well-earned awards. Cudos, Congrats, and Thanks to each and every one of you:

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song):
The Cookie Crusher Strikes Again by McGrath of Harlow
Cookiemangler by Mbo
Doughboy Sam by emily b
My Carbohydrate Things by Dharmabum
Sammy's Song by mousethief

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon (The Harp Ribbon is given for being able to make The Keeper of the Book fall on the floor laughing OR make her short out her keyboard with tears):
The Cookie Pokey by Fibula Mattock
Little Sammy Squeezer by Kim C
Mr. Feldman, The Bun-squeezing Man by mousethief
Strange Things In The Bread Section by Bardford

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest (The Guinness Crest is awarded for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song):
The Baker Boys Lament by Dharmabum
Big Bad Sam by mousethief
Sam The Bun by Catrin
Will The Cookies Be All Broken by Dharmabum

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Cleigh's Blue Fume Shield (Cleigh's Blue Fume Shield is given to the best blues rendition of any challenge topic):
Bread Squeezin' Blues by Bradypus

Winners of the Imperial Order of the All-In-One Genius with Platinum Tufts (The Imperial Order of the All-In-One Genius with Platinum Tufts Award is given to the Challenge!rs who use ten or more Challenge! topics in one song):
Bread Loaf, Bread Loaf, Why Sit You There by Naemanson

Note To All Challenge!rs: A special announcement concerning the Whole Bag O' Chips Special Award (The Whole Bag O' Chips Award is given to the Challenge!rs who have won all the other Challenge! awards possible) -- Where before this award excluded the "Two-Fer-One" and "All-In-One Genius" awards, from now on it will include those two awards as prerequisites for earning the Whole Bag O' Chips.

I hope that you all are ready for the next Challenge! -- It was sent in by Bert and I think you're gonna get some real hands-on experience out of it . . . ;-) See ya tomorrow for some more fun,

-- Áine

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02 Oct 00 - 07:12 PM (#310556)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum

To be honest with ya Naem, once ya get past the scratchiness it feels kinda nice. Tho, it does make ya walk kinda funny.

Congrats on a job well done! Ron.

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02 Oct 00 - 07:22 PM (#310563)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Dear Naemanson,

If ya can't brown-nose to win a Cow Chip, when can ya? ;-) Again, congrats on your new status as a Master Song Challenge!r (and one of the sweetest brown-nosers I know!). *BG*

-- Áine (a/k/a The Cow Chip Princess)

P.S. It's nice to know that the Tufts aren't that bad -- besides, now we'll all know you by your walk *LOL*)

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02 Oct 00 - 08:09 PM (#310582)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Naemanson

Thank You, All. I was so impressed with the other entries I didn't want to write one. I feel special being included with such a talented bunch.

And you're right DB, once you get past the scratchiness...

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02 Oct 00 - 09:57 PM (#310646)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Naemanson

Ooo, ooo ooo! I thought of another!

But now I'm out in cyberspace,
You'll find I'm very hard to trace,
I flit about from place to place,
Your Mudcat cookies I'll erase.

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02 Oct 00 - 10:01 PM (#310647)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Alrightey there, Naemanson, I'll add that last verse to your ditty -- But, please darlin', don't mix your Robutusin with the hot toddies anymore, OK? ;-)

-- Áine

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03 Oct 00 - 07:02 AM (#310818)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,micca at work

Aine, sorry to me so late in on this one, here is an "Offering" too
Bread and retribution By Micca
Tune Bread and Roses

As we went shopping ,shopping
In the hypermart shed
I was alarmed and startled
by the sudden call for bread
and there upon the shelving
as the supermarket clos-ed
there was nothing left but mangled
Cookies, cakes and bread lo—oves

As we go shopping, shopping
We're shopping too for cakes
And they are being broken
And let there be no mistake
they're setting hidden cameras
And when the market closes
Then they'll have coloured pictures
Of the man mangling the lo---oves

Now he is sitting, sitting
In the sad courtroom line
And he expects probation
Or a large and nasty fine
For he's been caught red handed
As the supermarket closes
A fondling others buns
And of mangling the lo-oves

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03 Oct 00 - 09:46 AM (#310894)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Hey there Micca! It's always great to have you in on a Challenge! And of course, no Challenge! is ever really over. That's a wunnerful, wunnerful entry, and you are hereby awarded the Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster, AND a Silver B.L.O.B. for:

As we go shopping, shopping
We're shopping too for cakes
And they are being broken
And let there be no mistake
they're setting hidden cameras
And when the market closes
Then they'll have coloured pictures
Of the man mangling the lo---oves

Maith thú a stór!

-- Áine

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03 Oct 00 - 11:30 AM (#310968)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C

thank you, Golden Cow Chip Princess!!!!!

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01 Jan 01 - 07:53 PM (#366901)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Liz the Squeak

Mangling the loaves
Mangling the loaves
He will be arrested
For mangling the loaves...

to the tune of 'Bringing in the sheaves'...

LTS Remember, I was very, very drunk....

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02 Jan 01 - 04:05 PM (#367233)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Al Boyce

Oops! I had this written before I read that the challenge was closed. Oh well.... Enjoy!

- Al

PAWS IN THE DOUGH
(Tune: Rosin the Beau)

The Feldmans would go out shopping
When their pantry supplies would grow low,
While his wife would select all the groceries,
Sam just puts his paws in the dough.

CHORUS:
Sam just puts his paws in the dough
Sam just puts his paws in the dough
Whenever his wife takes him shopping
Sam just puts his paws in the dough

(on subsequent verses replace the third line of the chorus with the third line of the verse.)

They'd start out at Piggly-Wiggly,
To the A&P then they would go,
In the markets of east Pennsylvania,
Sam just put his paws in the dough.

While his wife was perusing the poultry,
Sam to the pastries would go,
And when she was deciding on duckling,
Sam just put his paws in the dough.

He'd deliberately fondle foccacia,
He'd crush the croissants in a row,
And he'd mangle the muffins and matzohs,
Sam just put his paws in the dough.

At last when Sam was apprehended,
The baker was angry, just so!
He said, "Sam you owe Eight thousand dollars
For putting your paws in my dough!"

So next time you strangle a struedel,
Throw breadsticks around to and fro,
When playing with bagels, remember...
Sam just put his PAWS in the dough!

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02 Jan 01 - 04:25 PM (#367244)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Larry Boy Pratt

I'm new to this, so here goes with apologies to Sonny Boy Williamson.

Take Your Hands Off of My Wrapper

Take your hands off of my wrapper
There ain't nothin' in there that belongs to you
Take your hands off of my wrapper
There ain't nothin' in there that belongs to you
If you don't stop squeezin my wrapper
I'm going to have to call the police on you

Take your fingers out of my cookies
That fruit filling is just fine without you
Take your fingers out of my cookies
That fruit filling is just fine without you
If you don't stop feelin' 'round my cookies
I'm going to have to tell your wife on you.

You poke my cookies, squeeze my bread,
And flatten out my cream puff.
Please stop beatin on my baked goods,
I have had about had enough
Take your hands off of my wrapper
There ain't nothin' in there that belongs to you
If you don't take your hands off my wrapper
I'm going to have to call the police on you

line breaks fixed by elf

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02 Jan 01 - 04:28 PM (#367246)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Larry Boy Pratt

OK, so what is the trick in getting the line breaks? I cut and pasted from MS Word. Do I need to write it directly into the box?

Sorry for the run on sentences.

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02 Jan 01 - 04:39 PM (#367252)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: MMario

Al - *officially* according to section III sup-paragraph four of the rules, (or maybe it was Section VII, sup-paragraph XX.VIII.a) the challenges never close.

larry boy - for line breaks see the new-comers FAQ thread at the top of the list, under handy HTML tricks.

welcome to the mudcat.

BTW - as a coda to this, I heard recently on the Radio that this man has been sentenced and fined for the damage he did to the bread.

fixed by elf

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02 Jan 01 - 04:45 PM (#367256)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: MMario

boy did that mess up...

Calling Joe and/or clone!

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03 Jan 01 - 02:39 PM (#367924)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Al and Larry Boy -- Great (better late than never) additions to this Challenge! Your songs have both been awarded the prestigious Golden Cow Chip with Harp Ribbon for giving the Keeper of the Book a great laugh once again, and have been entered into the Tome of Challenges! Cudos, thanks and congrats to both of you. ;-)

-- Áine

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03 Jan 01 - 02:56 PM (#367935)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: McGrath of Harlow

I read somewhere in the paper over the holidays the guy has recently actually come up for sentending - but with ione thing or another I never got to reading what happened to him. Any newsaholics who can track it down and tell us?

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03 Jan 01 - 03:36 PM (#367954)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine

Dear Kevin,

To satisfy any of you Challenge!rs sense of closure on this matter ;-), I searched and found this story on MSNBC.com from November 21, 2000:

THE 38-YEAR-OLD ADVERTISING executive, convicted of squeezing, poking and crumbling $1,000 worth of baked goods during criminally finicky shopping sprees in suburban Philadelphia, was sentenced this week to 180 days' probation - 90 days each for the bread and the cookies.

He was also ordered to pay $1,000 restitution. 'You engaged in behavior that was not just odd, it was criminal,' the Philadelphia Inquirer quoted Bucks County Judge David Heckler as telling Feldman at a Monday sentencing hearing. 'You caused harm to people.'

Sensationalized as the 'Cookie Crumbler' by local news outlets, Feldman was accused of manhandling bread and cookies at suburban supermarkets over a two-year period that ended in 1999, when he moved to Las Vegas.

Police charged him with two counts of criminal mischief. He denied wrongdoing at a September trial, even though footage from in-store surveillance cameras showed him poking and prodding boxes of cookies and running his hands over dozens of loaves of bread.

Two bakeries claimed that Feldman caused irreparable damage to products worth nearly $8,000 in total.

Feldman's wife testified at trial that he was simply a picky shopper who wanted to ensure freshness for his family.

The judge said his actions rose to the level of vandalism and worried that a recent psychiatric report quoted the accused as saying the real bread squeezer was still on the loose.

But the sentencing hearing did produce an admission, the Inquirer reported. 'I do touch too much bread, yes, more than the next person,' the newspaper quoted Feldman as telling the court, with a lowered head and a slight voice.

Ahh, I feel much better now, knowing that Sam's gotten his just desserts . . . ;-)

-- Áine

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05 Sep 01 - 09:09 AM (#542376)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: MMario

If the state police don't catch you; we're sending for the Feds!

Inspired!

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05 Sep 01 - 09:15 AM (#542381)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Aidan Crossey

Thanks, MMario. As I write I've only got 8 left to do!

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05 Sep 01 - 09:16 AM (#542382)
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Aidan Crossey

Thanks, MMario. As I write I've only got 8 left to do!

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