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Non-music;Game for the literary minded.

31 Oct 00 - 05:34 PM (#331425)
Subject: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Morticia

These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwar Lytton contest (run by the English Dept of San Jose State U), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS... 1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers,pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

As, by and large, we are at least as funny and as creative as the efforts above would suggest, I thought people might like a crack at coming up with their own worst lines with which to start a novel.....or a folk song. Mine would be:
He knew she knew he knew she knew, and she knew he knew she knew he knew, but neither knew that Nugent knew.

31 Oct 00 - 07:03 PM (#331482)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: katlaughing

I'll have a go at it, but yours was excellent!

"Twisting away, yet facing forward, in a juxtaposition of body parts, their entangled limbs found new postures, made them pretzels of love....."

31 Oct 00 - 07:05 PM (#331485)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Morticia

LOL Kat, think I might go and nudge Gomez, see what he reckons to a little pretzeling :)

31 Oct 00 - 07:13 PM (#331493)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: kendall

This is great! I firmly believe that the really funny things are said, not done.

31 Oct 00 - 07:52 PM (#331531)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Ebbie

She had been gone a really long time and there were inumerable events that had happened to her in her vicinity that she could tell others about if only she would remember them at the right moment and then they would understand the situation more better and not maybe blame her so much and not talk about her behind her back when she wasn't there and make it so hard to sleep.

31 Oct 00 - 10:38 PM (#331640)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: sophocleese

The glow from a distant streetlight, sporadically obscured by trees dancing in the rising breeze, created strange shadows around the swing set that made it seem as if ghost children of her childhood were still gliding feather light down the slide, softly stealing onto a swing to run off again, or circling her and teasing her, daring her with voices soft as whispered leaves, to yell back at them, her father always said her tongue would get her into trouble, and he was right too, Lydia thought, as she once again cursed the urge that had prompted her to lick the cold frost off of the candy striped metal, would it ever warm up?

31 Oct 00 - 11:05 PM (#331649)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: DougR

I ran to the window to see what had frightened Nigel. "Hark, he said, "Two two Grizzly bears are copulating on the front lawn!

It was the first hint I had that Nigel was blind.

DougR

31 Oct 00 - 11:05 PM (#331650)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Ebbie

Oh, you guys, you're just too funny! LOL!!

Ebbie

31 Oct 00 - 11:17 PM (#331654)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Peter Kasin

He knew that it only took a split-second for an eternity of thoughts to pass through him, as he thought with his mind about how he would consider pondering the unthinkable.

31 Oct 00 - 11:35 PM (#331662)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: catspaw49

Every morning Kendall awoke with the certain knowledge that this day would bring no new joys to his life and he longed to rewind the clock to that night in '63 when an itinerant moose had made off with his genitals.

Spaw

31 Oct 00 - 11:51 PM (#331667)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Ebbie

'itinerant', yet. hahhahha

Ebbie

01 Nov 00 - 01:11 AM (#331711)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Lonesome EJ

She was the kind of girl that would laugh in that carefree way she had,dodging,skipping nimbly away with your balls in her hand,her eyes filled with the anticipation of hysterical ecstacy that would overtake her when the sharp SNAP announced that she had finally let them go.

01 Nov 00 - 01:25 AM (#331715)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: WyoWoman

<<>>

The evening wore on, until at last the sun splashed its technicolor yawn over the Pacific and passed out quietly.

01 Nov 00 - 01:32 AM (#331717)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Ebbie

Oh, Lonesome! hahahhaha

Eb

01 Nov 00 - 01:33 AM (#331718)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: GUEST,leeneia

It was in 1973 that I quit taking James Joyce seriously.

01 Nov 00 - 01:57 AM (#331727)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: katlaughing

Wending her way across the wide broadpaths of the winding moor, she went crosswise and widdershins to meet her Moor, wishing upon a star all the while that he would do the winding of her bedsheets with her wound up in them, whimpering softly in wild ecstacy while he whispered sweet nothings in her winsome ear, her whimpering for more of her Moor, on the moor, forevermore.

01 Nov 00 - 02:56 AM (#331742)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: bseed(charleskratz)

"No, Lord Farthingworth," the maiden whispered, pushing him away firmly but respectfully, "even though your wife my sister is mute and paralyzed, I'll not become your mistress and provide you with an heir. When she married you she knew not what I know: your father claimed his right to my mother on the night of her marriage. You, sir, are my brother."

--seed

01 Nov 00 - 03:23 AM (#331748)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Metchosin

All I can say is "You guys a pretty damn good!" ROTFLMAO

Billy Macafee, contemplating horizons beyond the ken of mere mortals, sat astride his idling motorcycle, a lengthy coil of rope attaching it to a robustly constructed fence, then cracked open the throttle, temporarily hurtled through space, and into local legend. (true story)

01 Nov 00 - 09:33 AM (#331845)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Mrrzy

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant...

01 Nov 00 - 09:36 AM (#331847)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: L R Mole

They ceased shoveling. "Sy," she said, shyly sighing," surely Cecilly should see, soon." "Sophie", sniffed the shepherd, shying several spurious shales skyward, "scythes and saucepans should suffice small spuds such as us'n . Cecilly's social stratum shall succor her slumming." "So it shall", sniffed Sophie, and they split.

01 Nov 00 - 09:50 AM (#331860)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Steve Parkes

Last night I dreamed I went back to Manderley; it was shut.

01 Nov 00 - 10:05 AM (#331867)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Clifton53

It was ill-behooving to his poor battered brain to think of her again in that light which switched his emotions back to zero again, he thought. But, and he knew it was true, she had burnt him with the brunt of her forceful forced laughing. It was going to be a dark daylight today.

Clifton Fadiman

01 Nov 00 - 10:23 AM (#331877)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Patrish(inactive)

We used to get on like a horse on fire, unless one of us mentioned the war - that was a mute point(settled and never to be spoken of again.)Increasingly I was feeling as if I were between a hard and a rock place - I didn't want to go there, but I'd buttered my bread so I suppose I will have to lie in it
Patrish

01 Nov 00 - 11:55 AM (#331953)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Robby

As the sun spilled its golden rays over the brilliant reds, yellows, oranges, browns and greens of the hills in Autumn, Zeke took down the old flintlock from where it hung over the fireplace, thinking: "This time I'll get that thar bar, fer shure, and looking down the barrel to see if it needed cleaning he lit a match for some light and....

True story and a Darwin Award Honorable Mention. The name, of course, was changed.

Robby

01 Nov 00 - 12:20 PM (#331986)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: JulieF

With a slow, deliberate motion Chief Inspector Southerland reached down the side of his leg. Danger had never been so close. Its focus moved about twenty feet in front of him, combing the crowd with urgent eyes. With one quick movement Southerland undid the strap around the inside of his leg, grasped the hard metalic objects and slid them quickly into his rucksack. They fell with a metalic chime. Hell, he was glad that he had finished changing after that last Morris Session when he had spotted his young constable, He prefered his private obsession to stay private.

01 Nov 00 - 02:48 PM (#332101)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Morticia

See, I knew you lot could do better.....haven't laughed so much in ages.....one of Roger McGoughs occured to me today...... "I'm at breaking point" she snapped.

01 Nov 00 - 02:53 PM (#332106)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: SINSULL

The stench of yesterday's curry permeated Chris' cubby with a nastiness he called "Permafart".

Also true.

01 Nov 00 - 04:07 PM (#332167)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: katlaughing

Puffing his chest out and crowing like a cock, he drew out his snickly-sounding long rapier, while lathering the whiskers before him in the blackened-back looking glass; "Cock-a-doodle-doo; any cock will dooooooo, but I'm the one for you!" rang out through the snaky halls of the grandiose villa, while in the next room, striking a chic pose, draping her long, soft feathery hair across her breast, she answered him, "Cluck, cluck, are you suuure? Paaaawwwwk, paaaawwwkk, c'mere, big guy!"

01 Nov 00 - 04:10 PM (#332169)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Matt_R

One of my favorites from the book It Was a Dark & Stormy Night Part II was :

The butler walked into the room dragging his foot behind him......on a rope.

01 Nov 00 - 05:22 PM (#332213)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Peter T.

These are really very good, gang. Next year we should make a corporate entry.

"Perhaps", said Dr. Steinberg, my psychiatrist, triggering the impulse that happily led to the moment when this novel first began to see the light of day, "you might consider writing a novel that would enable other people to at least experience fully the indescribably disgusting, miserable, debilitating, tedious, and grossly irritating world that you so drearily and endlessly inhabit."

01 Nov 00 - 05:58 PM (#332235)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Mark Cohen

Not THE Clifton Fadiman? (That's an exclamation, not an entry!)

01 Nov 00 - 06:11 PM (#332242)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: GUEST,Bardford

I made my way through the crowded pub, shopping bag in hand, and sat down between the violin player and the guy with the flute thingy, excited and anxious to have a go at playing real seltic music on my brand new bow-dran drum, purchased only moments before.

01 Nov 00 - 06:11 PM (#332243)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Robo

"I was sitting on the bowl, thinking," he said, "that I don't have time for this shit."

Rob-o

01 Nov 00 - 06:28 PM (#332258)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: GUEST,khandu

"YES, YES", shouted Percy, the gimp, as he ran helter-skelter through the crowded theatre lobby (the feature starred that flamboyant rascal, Jack Webb) exhulting in his new-found revelation that he, Percy, was more like he is today than he was when he was like what he was before he got to be like he is today.

01 Nov 00 - 09:43 PM (#332433)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: katlaughing

What Dr. Steinberg, his psychiatrist, really meant was Write the novel, with the brilliant main character being THE psychiatrist, modeled on myself of course, and feed my ego, feed my ego, tell the whole WORLD how I healed your penchant for living in such an `indescribably disgusting, miserable, debilitating, tedious, and grossly irritating world.' YES! Tell the world!!!, he laughed maniacally, quoting himself being quoted in the now written novel.

01 Nov 00 - 10:29 PM (#332457)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Troll

As the bouncer grabbed my shoulder and spun me around , I let him have it in the solar plexus with a fist full of a roll of taped-up quarters; he just stood there,shaking his head in a pitying way and I knew right then that it was going to be a very long day.

troll

01 Nov 00 - 10:36 PM (#332463)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Matt_R

Edsel was so excited about his date tonight with Angie that he hardly noticed as the band saw slowly severed his hand from his arm.

01 Nov 00 - 10:41 PM (#332469)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: CarolC

Oh!...the beach..the beach...it was so lovely, and there were ever so many different kinds of shells, pink ones, tan ones, yellow ones, even brown ones, so many different colors of shells, and I said to Percival, I said, "Percival, I must tell Kitty all about it when we get home...see if I don't!"

L R Mole. Do you check you're personal messages?

Happy birthday.

Carol

01 Nov 00 - 11:04 PM (#332482)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: zonahobo

I pondered on her sagging beauty. I wonder if she used to be as old as she is now?

02 Nov 00 - 08:14 AM (#332642)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Lena

It was right at the beginning of that suumer that Fiona,the fairiest among all maidens ,started having this salivating feeling.

She would just let her head hang low,her mouth wide opened, her jaw too heavy to lift.

02 Nov 00 - 09:18 AM (#332681)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: A Wandering Minstrel

As he stood in the pillory with the rotting lettuce, putrid eggs and mouldering oranges forming a highly inedible Florida Salad in his hair and nostrils it slowly came to Reuben that he had not led a blameless life....

02 Nov 00 - 09:33 AM (#332694)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: okthen

On being told I'd lost the plot, I knew immediately that there was a plot, and that I had been right, and all those smart young men young men in their clean white coats were wrong. I told them there was no need for all those pills, injections and restraints, or that room with the soft walls,which only served to stop me from talking to those other people there who believed me. I told them there was a plot,I told them, I just don't know what it was.

cheers

bill

02 Nov 00 - 10:16 AM (#332723)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Peter T.

freeform it was novel to be of pathbreaking postmodernist Sandra artichoke to read variety fun you bet!

02 Nov 00 - 10:28 AM (#332734)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Matt_R

Mike slowly removed the lid from his can of softground. Setting the lid down, he placed his acetylene torch on it. With a click of his striker, a long, mesmerizing blue flame shot from the end of the nozzle. Smiling to himself, he unwrapped a few twinkies he had gotten from the snack machine. He put three on the lid and popped the forth into his mouth. Mike stood back and smiled. He lifted the loaded lid and carefully walked into the room. "Happy Birthday to Youuuuuuuu...." he sang.

02 Nov 00 - 11:24 AM (#332796)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Uncle_DaveO

Matt, I wonder if anybody but me knew what meant by "softground".

Dave Oesterreich

02 Nov 00 - 11:29 AM (#332804)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: GUEST,Matt_R

Probably not, Dave! Did I ever tell you that we wanted to start a band called "The Young Intaglios"? They're sortoff an underground act--you know, below the surface? Their hit song is "Needle, Don't Scratch." They do deal in acid too, unfortunately.

02 Nov 00 - 01:59 PM (#332888)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Diva

She smiled quietly to herself,watching him as he lay snoring softly on the four poster bed. Her bodice lay on the floor where it had been cast off in the height of their passion;ripped to shreds. She felt like a complete woman for the first time in her long and eventful life. The operation was a total sucess,no one would ever guess that Evelynne De Montelimar,auburn haired mistress of the King had until recently been better known as Herbert Higgenbottom, master butcher and part time prize fighter. She blessed the day she'd tried on her first silk chemise. Enough of this musing she quaffed. It's time for a shave..........

02 Nov 00 - 03:00 PM (#332938)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: wlisk

If I wore your glasses, could eye see you home?

02 Nov 00 - 03:21 PM (#332955)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Peter T.

People are breaking the rules: one sentence! (sorry to be persnickety)
yours, Peter T.

02 Nov 00 - 06:30 PM (#333092)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Morticia

Funny though......

02 Nov 00 - 06:55 PM (#333108)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Diva

DOH I got carried away.

02 Nov 00 - 07:51 PM (#333143)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: okthen

okthen what is "softground"

cheers

bill

02 Nov 00 - 08:07 PM (#333145)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Snuffy

"The Vicar's a long time coming," said the Duchess, stirring her tea with the other hand.

Wassail! V

02 Nov 00 - 08:45 PM (#333161)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: CarolC

Snuffy, if it were up to me, I think I would give the prize to you. (!)

Carol

02 Nov 00 - 10:48 PM (#333249)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: sophocleese

I vote for Snuffy too. Brilliant!

03 Nov 00 - 02:55 AM (#333354)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: bseed(charleskratz)

Snuffy gets my vote, too, along with Leej and his sadomasochistic take on the same theme.

--seed

03 Nov 00 - 03:15 AM (#333357)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Steve Parkes

If Snuffy gets the vote, then I move that we restart the whole thing and see who else can steal a better line!! I fell out of my pram laughing the first time I heard that one!

Steve

04 Nov 00 - 08:35 AM (#334370)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Bernard

He was a slim, knock-kneed estate agent, and she was a plump, bow-legged mortgage arranger. From the moment they met, they knew they were made for each other...

04 Nov 00 - 05:59 PM (#334689)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: Snuffy

The old ones are the best! I first heard the vicar and duchess one in the early 60s. But I think it was referring to a contest about 100 years ago. I can't remember for sure, but I think it might have been Kipling who submitted that one.

Wassail! V

04 Nov 00 - 08:21 PM (#334781)
Subject: RE: Non-music;Game for the literary minded.
From: tradman

"It wasn't me, I swear, it was the leprechaun!", he cried, for the umpteenth time as we stared at the broken vase on the parlor floor; and as I turned to Myrtle, I could see she was about to cry again.