BS: Martha Stewart Thanksgiving

21 Nov 00 - 09:44 AM (#344461)
Subject: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: Naemanson

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes, as follows.

1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

6. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

7. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

8. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

9. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

10. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

11. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

12. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

No, Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.

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21 Nov 00 - 10:01 AM (#344472)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: GUEST

SIGH. Are we going to post EVERY SINGLE email forward here now? Are we that desperate for material?

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21 Nov 00 - 10:02 AM (#344473)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: Troll

WHAT? No little turkeys made of pine cones with construction paper tail feathers? I am SOOOOOOOO disapointed!

troll

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21 Nov 00 - 10:31 AM (#344496)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: SINSULL

One year, in a tribute to Martha, I made a vegetarian turkey out of an eggplant with assorted fruits and vegetables to represent various body parts. It looked like a Girl Scout project gone bad. A fitting and lasting tribute!
Another time I provided a 4' chocolate bunny as an Easter centerpiece. Magnificent. Except the temperature happened to reach 90 degrees that year and the ribbon around his neck acted like a noose. Mid main course, his head fell off leaving a decapitated bunny as the center of attention.
I haven't received any dinner invitations in a while - picnics, buffets, etc. but no dinners. Naemanson, if I come and promise to behave, can I sit with the kids in your neighbors house?

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21 Nov 00 - 10:33 AM (#344497)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: catspaw49

Hey Guest...Get a grip. Its cute and yeah, a lot of us read it before, but personally what the hell makes the difference?

I was thinking as I was watching her on CBS's early show today that once again she has way too much "warm-fuzzy" for me. Anybody who implants little parsley sprigs in homemade potato chips is a couple of finger sandwiches shy of an afternoon luncheon.

Spaw

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21 Nov 00 - 10:35 AM (#344504)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: catspaw49

LMAO Sins........The chocolate rabbit is classic!!!

Spaw

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21 Nov 00 - 10:35 AM (#344505)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: GUEST,Matt_R

My sister wrote something a bit like this, back about 5 years ago. I'll have to post it, it's really funny!

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21 Nov 00 - 10:36 AM (#344506)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler

Well it made me laugh and I've never seen Martha S (though we have her ilk on UKtv as well!)
RtS

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21 Nov 00 - 10:42 AM (#344513)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: SINSULL

One year, after a particularly bad series of misfortunes, I joined my brother's family for Thanksgiving dinner. As a token gift, I brought a set of seasonal napkin rings - brown bands with acorns and a little tiny ear of corn. They were pretty and my sister-in-law collects Thanksgiving decorations so... She was in the kitchen when I brought her the gift, opened it with no enthusiasm, looked and asked with a perfectly straight face - "And where are the little jock straps that come with these?" Years later they are still tucked away safely in that little box awaiting suitably sized protection.
Guest, I must live in a vacuum. I never heard it before and thought it was hilarious. Happy Thanksgiving, all.

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21 Nov 00 - 11:47 AM (#344566)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: Lyrical Lady

I loved it! The part about the turkey in the dryer cracked me up ...reminds me of the time I tried to thaw a salmon in the dishwasher! ...LL

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21 Nov 00 - 11:53 AM (#344576)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: Naemanson

Oh Guest, I apologize profusely for having abused your use of this forum by posting such a trivial batch of electronic tripe. I will never again presume to think that you would appreciate anything I post nor will I believe it has any merit for the world that revolves around you does not recognize that anyone else might not have seen the tedious detail which you must endure.

NOT!

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21 Nov 00 - 01:56 PM (#344670)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: JenEllen

Aw, Sins....LMAO and then some. You can come here for dinner ANY time!!

~Elle

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21 Nov 00 - 02:09 PM (#344677)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: Hollowfox

Folks, if any of you know where I can get a videotape of the first Martha Stewart Thanksgiving special, let me know where I can buy it. Really. I saw it in 1984 and laughed so hard I nearly went into labor.

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21 Nov 00 - 02:16 PM (#344680)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: SINSULL

I still see Martha color co-ordinating her pantihose to her plants when interviewed on 60 Minutes or some such show everytime I set foot in the garden. Howlingly funny.

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21 Nov 00 - 02:31 PM (#344685)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: lamarca

It's amazing how quickly these E-mail jokes lose their attributions... for the record, this particular essay (which I found hysterical) is copyrighted as follows:

By: Barbara A. Tyler (as Printed in Today's Woman, November 2000)

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22 Nov 00 - 11:25 AM (#345137)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: GUEST,Reta

A friend sent this to me this morning. I love it! Reminds me of the 'good old days'. Thanksgiving blessings to all. Reta

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22 Nov 00 - 12:58 PM (#345194)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: Naemanson

Thanks, lamarca, for the attribution. I always wonder where these things originate.

I think the internet will eventually prove to be responsible for the greatest number of additions to the body of work by that greatest of all authors, Anonymous.

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22 Nov 00 - 09:48 PM (#345485)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: Pelrad

Ooh! Ooh! I want to know where to get that video too! We need to induce labor before Wednesday here (otherwise the nasty drug pitocin gets a chance at it). Now I'll just have to decide which is less palatable: an hour of Martha or a few tablespoons of castor oil. Hmmmmm......

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23 Nov 00 - 04:06 AM (#345588)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler

Dear Martha, someone in Ascot UK was having a loud fireworks display at 3am this morning which woke me up even though Herself claims I'm going deaf. Would this have been expat Colonists celebrating early? If so could you find out who they are so I can donate a rocket where the sun don't shine? And I've got a day of interview candidates here so have to be bright eyed and alert!
RtS

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23 Nov 00 - 04:26 AM (#345597)
Subject: RE: BS: MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING
From: GUEST,CarolC (at her parents' house in Wheaton)

My dad just showed me his new fart sound effect machine. This is how I experience the true spirit of the holidays. Martha...Oh Martha...!

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