02 Dec 00 - 01:14 AM (#350047) Subject: Christmas Parodies From: Banjer Ah it's that time of year again! It's beginnig to look a lot like Christmas (there's a song in there somewhere) You folks in the Northern lands have snow on the ground to tell you that Christmas time is almost here. In the South we gauge how close Christmas is by how many storage trailers are stacked up behind our local Wal-Mart. This is also the time of year that many of us start singing some of the Christmas carols we learned in our youth. I'm talkin the really good ones, not the goody two shoes versions that we had to learn in school. One that comes to mind is the old favorite from the time when Alvin and Theodore were making their presence known: Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Jack Frost picking at his nose Santa came down the wrong chimmeny again That's the way shit goes.... Do any others come to mind? Share them with us all in the spirit of the season... |
02 Dec 00 - 01:47 AM (#350053) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Haruo I like Deck Us All (which is in the Digitrad). Liland |
02 Dec 00 - 01:52 AM (#350056) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Haruo And my dad always sang something that went "Hark the herald angels sing, Beecham's pills are just the thing! One for man and two for child, oh, they work so meek and mild." (I don't recall that it went beyond that point, and it's not all that exciting as it stands but may have possibilities as a base on which to build.) He was a Baptist minister whose musical career began as a high-school student at church camp singing a falsetto "Bird in a Gilded Cage". See recent thread on Tom Lehrer for link to his Xmas outrage. Liland |
02 Dec 00 - 05:40 AM (#350074) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: bill\sables Hi Liland the pone you are probablt thinking of is one I learned at school but not from the teachers Hark the herald angels sing Beechams pills are just the thing Move ye gently meek and mild Two for an adult one for a child Regular administration just the thing for constipation How can man to are aspire When his soul is not on fire How can man to atr aspire when his hole is not on fire Bill |
02 Dec 00 - 05:43 AM (#350075) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: bill\sables My spelling is shit the above words are supposed to read "the one you are probably thinking of " |
02 Dec 00 - 06:26 AM (#350083) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: MARINER To my mind the best Christmas parody of all time is Frank Kelly's ( Father Jack of Fr.Ted fame) parody on the Twelve Days of Christmas called I think, Christmas Countdown. It actually topped the charts in Ireland on its first release and also charted on subsequent releases. I don't know if its still available but if it is,get and listen, its probably one of the funniest parodies ever put on vinyl. Mariner |
02 Dec 00 - 11:04 AM (#350149) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: sophocleese We three kings of Orient are Smoking on a trick cigar.....BANG!!
We two kings of Orient are
I a king of Orient are |
02 Dec 00 - 12:48 PM (#350197) Subject: Lyr Add: SANTA IS RETIRING (parody) From: Clinton Hammond2 SANTA IS RETIRING
They passed a law at Yule Tide
The women's groups were saying
It ain't fair, it ain't right
They won't give him a pension
Of all the cut-backs it's the last straw
Cause Santa is retiring and they won't be rehiring |
02 Dec 00 - 04:29 PM (#350319) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: John P I have a hazy memory of singing this in high school: "Angels, we have heard, get high They get high, so why can't I?" We never got around to finishing it . . . |
02 Dec 00 - 04:31 PM (#350320) Subject: bill/sables, what's that other word? From: Haruo Thanks for your version of Hark the herald angels sing Beechams pills are just the thing but what is the word before "aspire" in How can man to are aspire When his soul is not on fire, ... and How can man to atr aspire when his hole is not on fire Eh? Liland |
02 Dec 00 - 04:35 PM (#350324) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Haruo Here in Seattle we just got through the anniversary of our WTO uproar with a minimum of renewed violence, and the pastor (I'm posting from the church computer, we're Hanging the Greens today) who is a Bush Republican type was just singing snatches (all he knows) of a "Silver Bells" parody that includes the line "it's rioting time in the city". He says it dates from last year. Anybody know the whole thing? Liland |
02 Dec 00 - 04:57 PM (#350332) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Zebedee "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin flew away" Not great, not amusing, but a childhood memory... |
02 Dec 00 - 06:38 PM (#350388) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: sophocleese Chorus for The First Noel
No ale, no beer, no wine, no stout, That's all I was taught, its possible there is more but my older brothers wouldn't teach it to me. |
02 Dec 00 - 06:53 PM (#350403) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: John Routledge While shepherds washed their socks by night - All seated round the pot - The angel of the Lord came down - And scoffed the blooming lot. To the tune While shepherds watched their flocks by night. Happy childhood !! Geordie Broon |
02 Dec 00 - 07:31 PM (#350416) Subject: Lyr Add: GOD REST YE UNITARIANS (parody) From: Stewart Here's one for all you Unitarians. GOD REST YE UNITARIANS God rest ye Unitarians, let nothing you dismay, Glad tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact, There was no star of Bethlehem, there was no angel song, Glad tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact, Much of our Christmas custom comes from Persia and from Greece, Glad tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact, Cheers, S. in Seattle Unitarian parodies: https://www.uua.org/files/documents/stew-dev/singing_green.pdf -Joe Offer- |
02 Dec 00 - 09:05 PM (#350481) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,JennieGwhohasnowresethercookie.. G'day all, We used to sing this here in Oz when I was a fair bit younger: While shepherds washed their socks by night All seated on the ground A bar of Sunlight soap And bubbles floated round My kids had one to "Deck the Halls" too, but I can't remember it all - something to do with burning the school down! Bah humbug JennieG |
02 Dec 00 - 09:06 PM (#350485) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,JennieGagain Sorry - the third line should have read A bar of Sunlight soap came down Fingers typing quicker than brain thinking... JennieG |
02 Dec 00 - 09:12 PM (#350488) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bill D and who remembers Walt Kelly taking many weeks of manipulating story lines in "Pogo" to build up to the punch line... "yes, Santa Claus, there IS a Virginia"? |
03 Dec 00 - 01:16 AM (#350579) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Ebbie Liland, since Bill hasn't got back to us yet, in context it looks like the word in both cases should be 'art'. Ebbie |
03 Dec 00 - 01:37 AM (#350583) Subject: Lyr Add: WALKING 'ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR^^^ From: catspaw49 WALKING 'ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR (Tune: Walking In a Winter Wonderland) Lacy things the wife is missin' Didn't ask for her permission I'm wearin' her clothes, silk pantyhose Walkin' round in woman's underwear In the store there's a teddy With little straps like spagetti It hold me in tight, like handcuffs at night Walkin' round in woman's underwear In the office there's a guy named Melvin He pretends that I am Murphy Brown He'll say are you ready, I'll say whoa man Let's wait until the wife is out of town Later on if you wanna We can dress like Madonna Put on some eyeshade and join the parade Walkin' round in woman's underwear Walkin' round in woman's underwear Walkin' round in woman's underwear ----A personal favorite. Spaw ^^^ [grin] |
03 Dec 00 - 03:45 AM (#350609) Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS IN VIETNAM / JUNGLE BELLS From: Banjer If my HTML works right this should show up as verse and chorus. Otherwise please use the imagination and sort it out.
Dashing through the mud, in a Jeep that should be junk,
CHORUS: Jungle bells, mortar shells, VC in the grass,
Christmas time is here, as everybody knows,
The moral of this song, it's plain as it can be, |
03 Dec 00 - 05:40 AM (#350614) Subject: Lyr Add: THE CHRISTMAS FOOD HYGIENE CAROL From: Sooz Here's my favourite: THE CHRISTMAS FOOD HYGIENE CAROL ©John Stothard and lan Clarke 1987 Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Steven Ever since he's been in bed with his insides heaving He didn't cook his turkey right, he let the bugs keep growing It didn't cook right through you see, and now it's got him go-o-oing God rest you merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay, Though some of you may well be ill soon after Christmas day. If you don't thaw your meat right out, the bugs will make you pay, Oh Ignore our warnings if you dare, if you dare, Oh, ignore our warnings if you dare. On the worst day of Christmas my true love gave to me Food Poisoning, a dose of trots, pains in the tum A very sore head, And a week in the infirmary. Dashing through the snow, rushing to the loo Through the house we go, heaving all the way It really isn't fair, if only we had known If the trifle had been in the fridge, the bugs would not have grown. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Oh how cruel it is to have the runs on Christmas day Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Use the fridge to keep food cool, stay safe on Christmas day When you cook your Christmas fare, please follow the instructions If you don't you may end up with terrible constrictions May we remind you one and all that care with food is vital Ignore our warnings if you will, the danger's intestinal. Take heed and have an excellent festive season! |
03 Dec 00 - 07:24 AM (#350624) Subject: Lyr Add: OH COME GET A FACE-FULL (parody) From: GUEST,Reggie Miles A little ditty I whipped up in honor of the Christmas feast. Sung to the tune of Oh Come All Ye Faithful- OH COME GET A FACE-FULL Oh come get a face-full. Christmas dinner's ready. Oh come eat, oh come eat, the turkey is done. Potatoes and dressing, all smothered with gravy. Eggnog and Christmas cookies, pumpkin pie with whipped cream, eat until your pants scream, too tiiiiight, no more! |
03 Dec 00 - 08:19 AM (#350640) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: John P I can only remember the first line of this. Does anyone know any more? It was fairly popular around where I grew up in Michigan. Good King Peptic Juice looked out At the feast I'd eaten P.S. I see there are some other folks from Seattle posting to this thread. Liland, are you at Fremont Baptist? I spend my days a couple of blocks over at Dusty Strings. Small world, huh? Reggie, is that you? Bluesman, formerly of Strangers With Candy? Stewart, I liked the Unitarian song -- it reminds me of the old joke that says the only time God gets mentioned in the Unitarian church is when the janitor accidently kicks the mop bucket over. John Peekstok (of Telynor), Seattle |
03 Dec 00 - 09:55 AM (#350673) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: reggie miles Hey John! Happy Holidaze to you and Anna! |
03 Dec 00 - 10:22 AM (#350684) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Banjer Yes,there are some really good parodies in here so far. I have to wonder though, is Catspaw telling us more than we really ever wanted to know about him? But hey, I guess if it's a good fit and there is nothing to put into a bind then what the heck, if it feels good.....etc., etc..... |
03 Dec 00 - 11:11 AM (#350697) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: dick greenhaus If you search DigiTrad for @parody @Xmas, you'll get 20 hits. For a variant of Beecham's Pills, try a search for Ovaltine. |
03 Dec 00 - 01:20 PM (#350746) Subject: Lyr Add: WHILE SHEPHERDS WASHED THEIR SOCKS BY... From: Snuffy Yet another version - we used to sing: While shepherds washed their socks by night All seated round the tub The angel of the Lord came down And they began to scrub. Not forgetting: Good King Wenceslas knocked a bobby senseless Right through Woolworth's window. Up came a copper with a rusty gun "Right, you beggar, I'll make you run" Wassail! V |
03 Dec 00 - 04:50 PM (#350798) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Liz the Squeak My brother in law, then a military nurse with the RAMC, along with some "friends" once dressed an anatomy model up as Santa, stuck it in a wheelchair and wheeled it round the German hospital they were working in at the time, singing carols. When they got to the Psychiatric ward they sang 'God rest ye, Jerry Mentalmen'.... needless to say they were on guard duty all over Christmas.... LTS |
03 Dec 00 - 05:00 PM (#350803) Subject: Lyr Add: WE THREE KINGS OF LEICESTER SQUARE From: Bernard We Three Kings of Leicester Square Selling knick-knacks, tuppence a pair. They're fantastic - no elastic! Buy your granny a pair... O-oh! Star of wonder, star of night Sit on a box of dynamite Light the fuse, away we go Around the world to Mexico... |
04 Dec 00 - 12:20 AM (#350942) Subject: Lyr Add: DECK US ALL WITH BOSTON CHARLIE From: Abby Sale Liland: Some of it is. Here's more. This is my least expertise but I wanted to post in time for any who wish to refresh themselves on the simple text in time for any Christmas show they may perform. I think it's time to post America's favorite - perhaps the entire English-speaking world and Australia's favorite Christmas song. This was thoroughly researched by several Members of rec.music.folk to get definitive. There were several emendations and popular renditions have, of course, been subject to much variation through the Folk Process. This is the most widely available version: (My ex-ex-ex-brother-in-law, Charlie from Boston's favorite song, for some reason.) Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower alley'garoo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Bark us all bow-wows of folly, Hunky Dory's pop is lolly gaggin' on the wagon, Deck us all in bowls of barley, Bark us all bow-wows of folly, There were several revisions - this one as printed in Outrageously Pogo, © 1985, Simon & Schuster.
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04 Dec 00 - 12:27 AM (#350944) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,PoohBear From the SCA collection:
Silent knight, unconscious knight, Or. . .
We came upon a midnight clear and battered down the gates. |
04 Dec 00 - 01:31 AM (#350955) Subject: Lyr Add: OH, CHRISTMAS TREE From: GUEST,Al Here's one we made up to Oh, Christmas Tree
Oh Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree
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04 Dec 00 - 04:10 AM (#350975) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Seth My family has been singing "Deck Us All with Boston Charlie" for years, but my wife insists there is yet another Pogo carol " Good King Sauerkraut", but she can't recall the lyrics, if there were any. I say it was an extended dialouge between Albert, Churchy and Pogo about why good king Sauerkraut didn't invite the guy in from the cold, or give him some turkey, or something besides walk around with him in the snow, picking up sticks. YOu do that with the homeless people where I used to live, you might get your lights punched out. Anyway, does anyone know it? My kids always favored Alan Sherman's "Twelve Days of Christmas." Seth from China |
04 Dec 00 - 09:18 AM (#351022) Subject: Lyr Add: HARK! THE JELLY BABIES SING From: Bernard Hark! The Jelly Babies sing Beecham's Pills are just the thing! Safe, effective, strong yet mild Two for an adult, one for a child If you want to go tp Heaven Take a dose of six or seven If you want to go to Hell Take the bloody box as well! Hark! The Jelly Babies sing Beecham's Pills are just the thing! That's the version I know... |
04 Dec 00 - 10:06 AM (#351047) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: MMario So - would this be the place to post "Boris the blue-balled reindeer"? or "What do you do with a Christmas turkey?" |
04 Dec 00 - 10:17 AM (#351050) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: dick greenhaus I don't recall that Good Kimg Sauerkraut ever got completed. As I recall, Good king Sauerkraut went out Om his feets uneven. When the snoo lay all about.... And here someone would ask "What's snoo?" And be asnwered, "NBothing much. What's snoo with you?" |
04 Dec 00 - 10:24 AM (#351053) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,John Leeder The Kipper Family have a terrific album of Christmas carol parodies, "Arrest These Merry Gentlemen". |
04 Dec 00 - 10:33 AM (#351060) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Wolfgang Christmas comes but once a year (or: Thank Christ for Christmas Wolfgang |
04 Dec 00 - 11:22 AM (#351087) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,Ed MMario, post "What do you do with a Christmas turkey", please! |
04 Dec 00 - 11:51 AM (#351105) Subject: Lyr Add: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A CHRISTMAS GOOSE? From: MMario since the piper insists on playing "What do you do with a drunken sailor" during our Christmas gig on the streets of Skaneatlas - I've come up with this Christmas song.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A CHRISTMAS GOOSE?
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04 Dec 00 - 12:14 PM (#351124) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: MMario oops! or turkey - whichever - depends on what gags we've had running beforehand.... |
04 Dec 00 - 12:17 PM (#351126) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: sophocleese I want Boris, I want Boris! Ple-e-e-e-ease MMArio. |
04 Dec 00 - 12:23 PM (#351129) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GeorgeH Glad someone mentioned the Kipper Family's "Arrest these merry gentlemen" . . great favourite of ours. There was also a cassette tribute to Nigel Chippendale which included a set of "Christmas inserts" he did for a radio program . . much musical hillarity, and well worth looking out for. G. |
04 Dec 00 - 12:34 PM (#351135) Subject: Lyr Add: BORIS, THE BLUE-BALLED REINDEER From: MMario YOu know Basher, and Canker, and Pander and Vixen Vomit and Stupid, and Blunder and Shitzen; But do you recall....The most frustrated reindeer of all? Boris, the blue balled reindeer had two balls that really glowed! and if you ever saw him You would say it really showed! All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names They wouldn't let poor Boris join in kinky reindeer games Then one starlit Christmas Eve Mrs. Clause came to say Boris with your balls so blue Have I got a Christmas Present for you! Oh how that woman loved him! As they achieved ecstacy! Oh Boris the Blue-balled Reindeer Taught her beastiality! |
04 Dec 00 - 07:15 PM (#351405) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bill Hahn//\\ Tom Lehrer has a great piece---just called Christmas Carol. Sung to the tune of Hark the Herald Angels Sing. I also love John Forster's All Purpose Carol. If you tune in to WFDU 89.1 FM (Teaneck NJ) or on the web www.wfdu.fm between 3-6 PM I guarantee you will hear both and a lot more on the TRADITIONS program that day. Bill Hahn |
04 Dec 00 - 07:59 PM (#351439) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: weststar Bill H. Was it " Hark, the Herold Tribune sings Advertising toys and things " ? |
04 Dec 00 - 08:33 PM (#351456) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Banjer Oh how I love it! I never realized there were so many parodies around.....Do keep them coming.....Please!! |
05 Dec 00 - 10:16 AM (#351687) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock Well I have to admit loving Kevin Bloody Wilson's moving Christmas ballad (bad language alert): "Hey Santa Claus you c***, Where's me f***ing bike? I've been through all this other sh*t And there's nothing here I like" etc etc. Perhaps of little musical merit, but it made me laugh the first time I heard it. |
05 Dec 00 - 05:12 PM (#351959) Subject: Lyr Add: FROSTY THE SNOWMAN From: Andrea Assuming the "Frosty the Snowman' you're looking for is the regular one:
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN |
05 Dec 00 - 06:03 PM (#351982) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bardford Here's a 12 days of Christmas favourite by my good buds Bob and Doug MacKenzie, poet laureates of the Great White North On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Eight comic books Seven packs of smokes Six packs of two-fours Five golden toques Four pounds of back bacon Three french toasts Two turtlenecks And a beer in a tree (Bob & Doug didn't cover days nine through twelve.) |
05 Dec 00 - 06:06 PM (#351986) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bardford My mistake. That should be poets laureate. What a hosehead,eh? Bardford |
05 Dec 00 - 06:21 PM (#352000) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bill Hahn//\\ Yes---Westar--those were the words, but Lehrer's title was just a Christmas Carol. On his recording he led into it with an intro which explained all the things that come later.
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05 Dec 00 - 06:22 PM (#352001) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bill Hahn//\\ Yes---Westar--those were the words, but Lehrer's title was just a Christmas Carol. On his recording he led into it with an intro which explained all the things that come later. I fyou like this check out John Forster's work.
Bill H
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05 Dec 00 - 07:18 PM (#352045) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bert THREAD OF THE WEEEEEEK!!!! |
06 Dec 00 - 02:19 AM (#352225) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Ana 's not fair to tantalise me, and not provide the words!! Any lyrics for "Arrest these Merry Gentlemen"?? Cheers Ana
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06 Dec 00 - 06:30 AM (#352268) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: mkebenn Twenty years ago, two friends and I created this mess. I claim credit for the middle four, a lawyer wrote the first and a milkman the last. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a porno movie staring Brooke Shields.. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two Danish whores... On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three French ticklers.. On the four the day of Christmas my true love gave to me four filthy posters.. On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me fine felatio.. six Colleens cumming..seven sheep asweatin'..eight lesies lickin'..nine nymphos nibblin'...ten bungholes bobblin'..eleven excellent erections...twelve tantalizing titties...Mike |
06 Dec 00 - 08:42 AM (#352295) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GeorgeH OK, I'll try transcribing "Arrest these Merry Gentlemen" and post it here before Christmas. But I'll draw the line at the Kippers' version of "Gaudetee". G. |
06 Dec 00 - 08:54 AM (#352298) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: skarpi Hallo all , here in Iceland is NO snow just warm and windy at the moment, but it coult snowing on sunday. Oh and christmas time it is to long in Iceland. To all of you MERRY CHRISTMAS from land of Ice and fire..........and Earthquakes. All the best skarpi Iceland. P.S I am going now on the NASA wepside looking info about a very,very bright star in north sky. Bless. |
06 Dec 00 - 08:59 AM (#352300) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Mrrzy ALthough my fave was always the Lehrer one, I have to laugh at some of these posted here. There was one my sisters and I used to sing, to the tune of Sheep on the Hillside, it started Shit on the hillside, shit on the hillside, stinking up the shadows / Flies all around it Flies all around it.. and I don't remember the rest. Will investigate... |
06 Dec 00 - 11:17 AM (#352377) Subject: Lyr Add: HARK THE HERALD ANGLES SING (parody) From: GUEST,LD I'm not proud of this, hence not giving my name. During the Korean conflict (does this date me?) I was stationed at a base where we had to march in formation everywhere we went. The base Chaplin ordered that during the month of December we were to sing Christmas songs while we marched. Our squadron wrote and/or stole several parodies and sang them as we marched. Most were simple gross - this is one I can print. BTW, we were confined to barracks for two weeks, and the order to sing was rescinded. To the tune of "Hark the Herald Angles Sing":
Uncle George and Auntie Mable |
06 Dec 00 - 11:58 AM (#352405) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bat Goddess I've got a little book of cat carols around someplace, but I can't find it so I an't give an attribution right this minute, but here's my favorite: Joy to the world, 'cuz cats are here They fill our hearts with joy. Let everyone Prepare them food And let them eat their fill And let them eat their fill And let, and let them eat their fill And right now I have to get back to looking for the kitten. The door blew open and when I came downstairs Creamsicle ran it, but I can't find Banjo. She's never been outside before (since she was born under a house), though has been very curious about it. I've been trying the old treats trick but no luck. She may even be hiding somewhere in the house. I'm going to bring in another load of firewood and hope she shows up. (Sigh) Wish me luck. Bat Goddess |
06 Dec 00 - 12:08 PM (#352413) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Naemanson Good Luck, BG! I always worry about the White Cat escaping. |
06 Dec 00 - 12:31 PM (#352430) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: rabbitrunning Ah, I've missed you guys... Sophocleese, we sang it as: We three kings of Orient are Tried to smoke a rubber cigar It was loaded and exploded Creating yonder star (pause for somber look...) Silent night... Also, we sang just the beginning of "Jingle bells, Santa smells, easter's on the way..."
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06 Dec 00 - 01:52 PM (#352473) Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE COOKHOUSE From: The Walrus at work There is, of course the Great War piece, parodying a Christmas recitation (Christmas Day in the Workhouse)rather than a carol:-
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE COOKHOUSE Good luck Walrus |
06 Dec 00 - 01:55 PM (#352475) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Mrrzy Keep'm coming! These are great! |
06 Dec 00 - 04:46 PM (#352572) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Haruo Abby Sale What exactly constitutes an ex-ex-ex-brother-in-law?John P Yep, Fremont Baptist. The Church at the Center of the Universe. I frequently listen to your speakers while waiting for the bus. Thanks. |
06 Dec 00 - 05:37 PM (#352606) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bert An Ex-Lax Brother in Law Maybe??? |
06 Dec 00 - 08:40 PM (#352726) Subject: Lyr Add: A CHRISTMAS CAROL (Tom Lehrer) From: GUEST,Peter from Easton PA Tom Lehrer's "A CHRISTMAS CAROL" is too good not to be printed here complete. A classic.
Christmas time is here, by golly
Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens
On Christmas Day you can't get sore
Relations, sparing no expense'll
It doesn't matter how sincere it
"Hark the Herald Tribune sings
"God rest ye merry merchants
"Angels we have heard on high
So let the raucous sleighbells jingle Here's another version of "We Three Kings":
We three kings of Orient are
We two kings of Orient are
I one king of Orient are |
06 Dec 00 - 10:41 PM (#352803) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Naemanson There is a poem out there somewhere that consists of a list of retail stores and products and ends, "Oh God, What have we done to Christmas?" Does anyone know where to find it? |
07 Dec 00 - 08:45 AM (#352995) Subject: Lyr Add: ARREST THESE MERRY GENTLEMEN From: GeorgeH OK, here's "Arrest These Merry Gentlemen". Fortunately I found it in "Since Time Immoral: The Kipper Family Songbook" which made my life easier. Perhaps I'll copy the only other Christmas song for Monday. ARREST THESE MERRY GENTLEMEN (C) Dick Nudds and Chris Sugden
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07 Dec 00 - 09:52 AM (#353029) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,Mary in Kentucky To the tune of Jingle Bells, dedicated to all of us Yorkie lovers...
Stomping thru the snow,
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07 Dec 00 - 10:17 AM (#353037) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Trevor Have you heard the thing by (I think) Joyce Grenfell, based on 'The Twelve Days', which starts with a thank you note to her beau for the wonderful gift of a partidge in a pear tree, and ends with a solicitor's letter demanding removal of the ten lords-a-leaping, seven maids and so on. Brilliant! |
07 Dec 00 - 11:33 AM (#353091) Subject: Lyr Add: GOD DAMN YOU, HARRY MENDELSON From: catspaw49 Lovely all...just completely sick and perverted .... and I love to see other Pogo fans around. Here's one for my tailor.
God damn you Harry Mendelson
God damn you Harry Mendelson
God damn you Harry Mendelson Merry Christmas! Spaw
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07 Dec 00 - 12:49 PM (#353137) Subject: Lyr Add: THE TWELVE THANK YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS From: Bernard THE TWELVE THANK YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily. Dec 26 Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily. Dec 27 My darling Edward, You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely! Your devoted Emily. Dec 28 Dearest Edward, What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. Love from Emily. Dec 29 Dearest Edward, The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. Bless you, Emily. Dec 30 Dear Edward, Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? Love, Emily. Dec 31 Edward, I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily. Jan 1 Edward Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing. Emily. Jan 2 Look here, Edward, This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! Emily. Jan 3 As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. Emily. Jan 4 This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied. Jan 5 Sir, Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. I am, Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law. Phew!!
https://www.monologues.co.uk/Parodies/Twelve_Days_Correspondence.htm |
08 Dec 00 - 05:24 AM (#353527) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Wolfgang Bernard, I hope you haven't typed all that. It is in the DT: Wolfgang |
08 Dec 00 - 11:41 AM (#353706) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bernard Ever heard of 'cut and paste'?!! |
11 Dec 00 - 01:33 PM (#355053) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Mrrzy The thank-you notes I saw lo these many years ago were different, I recall "the groundsmen have orders to shoot you on sight" being in the last letter. Still very funny! |
12 Dec 00 - 11:52 AM (#355729) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Mrrzy OK, I was telling a friend about this thread, and he started singing this: Kenneth Starr Is Coming To Town ... And that is all he recalls, anybody know the rest? Thanks! |
12 Dec 00 - 12:17 PM (#355748) Subject: Lyr Add: X-RATED 'SLEIGH RIDE' From: catspaw49 First, I DID NOT WRITE THIS!!! Second, it was sent to me by another 'Catter (female) with only the comment, "Oh my God!!!" So let's just add it to the collection here and go on................. X-RATED "SLEIGH RIDE"
I feel my pecker tingling, balls are jingling too.
Get it up, get it up, get it up, let's go.
I need a new position for sperm worm fishin' with you. There ya' go............ Spaw |
20 Dec 00 - 01:13 AM (#360219) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Wesley S |
20 Dec 00 - 02:01 AM (#360227) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Seamus Kennedy Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen, Turned his trousers inside out, because his ass was freezin.
It was Christmas day in the workhouse and the orphans were standing about, Merry Christmas all.. Seamus |
23 Dec 00 - 04:55 PM (#362386) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Mrrzy refresh - I need this and more, please... |
23 Dec 00 - 05:38 PM (#362411) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Uncle_DaveO Naemanson, the product-oriented Christmas poem you mention is actually poems. The guy on NPR (forget his name) who does it ever Christmas updates it yearly, so it's a moving target. But as you mention, it always ends, "Good---Lord! What have we done to Christmast?" I WOULD like to have the full text of it for a year--any year! |
23 Dec 00 - 05:42 PM (#362415) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,NH Dave This reminds me of a similar ditty called Christmas in the Mess Hall, where the Commander comes 'round to make his Christmas inspection (in some services it is also the custom for the officers and senior NCOs to serve Christmas Dinner to the troops.) The lyrics are in Kiss me Goodnight Sergeant Major, which I don't happen to have handy.
They end up with a young corporal suggesting where the CO can stick his Merry Christmas, if memory serves. Dave |
23 Dec 00 - 06:24 PM (#362431) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,mary ellen Who knows the Celtoid days of Christmas? |
24 Dec 00 - 12:28 AM (#362581) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Liz the Squeak Jingle Bells, Rudolph smells, Santa's run away, with the Fairy from the Christmas tree, she's in the family way! Sorry, been singing that since I was 10.... hee hee hee! LTS |
24 Dec 00 - 01:20 AM (#362594) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,Eluned This thread is GREAT! I've had several immensely satisfying chuckles ... 'tho I think 'spaw's last contribution was kinda icky. But she is also the only one to refer to a Bob Rivers tune. Some of his are really funny! I think "Twisted Christmas" is the most original new (-ish) Christmas humor album I've heard. Anyone else know some of his? |
24 Dec 00 - 02:24 PM (#362780) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,Phil We three Kings of Orient are, One on a tractor, one in a car. One on a scooter tooting his hooter, Following yonder star....oh! Star of wonder ,star of light, Beauty bottler, she'll be right. ....i forget the rest! |
24 Dec 00 - 02:44 PM (#362785) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bernard CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE You'll need the following: 1 C water 1 tsp. baking soda 1 C sugar 1 C brown sugar 4 large eggs lemon juice 2 C dried fruit nuts 1 tsp. salt 1 bottle of your favorite whisky a) Sample the whisky to check for quality. b) Take a large bowl. c) Check the whisky again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. d) Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. e) Turn on the electric mixer. f) Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. g) Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. h) Make sure the whisky is still okay. m) Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. l) Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. x) Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. t) Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. r) Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. s) Wheck the chisky. x) Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. y) Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. t) Grease the oven. t) Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. k) Don't forget to beat off the turner. m) Throw the bowl out the window. t) Chick the whesky again. a) Go to bed. Who the @$&* likes fruitcake anyway??!! All the Bury Vest, folks!! |
24 Dec 00 - 03:45 PM (#362808) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,Smokey Oh you better watch out, You better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is dead. |
24 Dec 00 - 10:02 PM (#362934) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: catspaw49 Hey Eluned........"Spaw" be a "He"----but that's OK......That "icky" one was sent to me by another 'Catter, a female 'Catter, who knows Ol' Spaw got no reverence for nothin'!! I don't want to use any names here but this female 'Catter plays banjo and lives in Toronto.............. Spaw |
24 Dec 00 - 10:08 PM (#362941) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: sophocleese Whew! So it wasn't me. I was worried for a while there... |
24 Dec 00 - 11:35 PM (#362969) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: dick greenhaus check out J** H*ck*rs*n's Christians roasting on an open fire Lions nipping at theur toes..... It's in DigiTrad |
25 Dec 00 - 12:15 PM (#363132) Subject: Lyr Add: I WANT A KEG OF MURPHY'S STOUT FOR... From: GUEST,Catwoman Here is one that I am in the middle of writing. If you are interested, I can post the rest as soon as I finish it up. It is to the tune of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" I WANT A KEG OF MURPHY'S STOUT FOR CHRISTMAS
I want a keg of Murphy's Stout for Christmas
I want a keg of Murphy's Stout for Christmas
I can see me now on Christmas morning
I want a keg of Murphy's Stout for Christmas Rest to follow |
25 Dec 00 - 11:12 PM (#363333) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,.gargoyle I sincerely hop DICK GREENHOUSE
Is "mining" this thread....there are some good, original ones here.
Folks.....in the interest of "academic research" could you PLEASE post, when and where you heard the song....or verses...and approximation is ALL that is necessary.....
Good Lordy....this could be such a "well spring" of information....if Dick had not "sold-out" to Max...
PLEASE FOLKS>>>>permanently banish me from this site and refer ".gargoyle" to a legitimate "research" data-base....and the LOC don't count.
|
26 Dec 00 - 01:53 PM (#363527) Subject: Lyr Add: RINGADANGDOO From: GUEST,.gargoyle I am eternally thankful to the Catter who pointed out a link to "Hash Songs" last year. It got me into the HHH, connected to people who sing my kind of songs (raunchy), drink my kind of beer (homebrew), and who genuinely trash folks who whine. It also got me out of the litter box, out of your hair, and into humanity, health and happiness. No modem necessary. Worldwide in all major cities. Here a couple from the Christmas Eve ....2000 Hebrew Hash THANX
RINGADANGDOO Tune: My Ding-A-Ling
The ringadangdoo, pray what is that?
I once knew a girl, her name was _________.
So she took him to her father's house,
The very next day her father said,
So she went to twon and became a whore,
She charged three for two
There came to that town a son of a bitch
|
26 Dec 00 - 01:55 PM (#363529) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,.gargoyle Twelve Nights of Hashing
On the first night of hasing my true love gave to me
Two shit house ducks
Three french whores
Four fornecators
Five blow jobs
Six sixty-niners
Seven sucking sisters
Eight aching assholes
Nine gnawed off nipples
Ten torn off titties
Eleven leaping lesbians
Twelve twats a twitching
|
26 Dec 00 - 01:56 PM (#363530) Subject: Lyr Add: EIGHT DAYS OF HANUKKAH From: GUEST,.gargoyle EIGHT DAYS OF HANUKKAH
On the first day of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
A pastrami from the deli
2 chotchke Doves
3 French Yentas
4. Roasting Birds
5 Gold-en Blintzes
6 Geese a Schmoozing
7 Swans a Shvitzing
8 Maids A-Milchik
|
26 Dec 00 - 04:03 PM (#363601) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: catspaw49 Well Garg, its always nice when someone has found their calling. Looks like you have quite a future if you decide to go that way. Spaw |
03 Dec 01 - 04:21 PM (#602917) Subject: Lyr Add: FLEECE MOM AND DAD! From: Genie Here's one I wrote 2 years ago for our church's "Alternative Gift Market and Buy-Nothing Day" project.
FLEECE MOM AND DAD! (Can be sung to "¡Feliz Navidad!" by Jose Feliciano) Chorus We'll make the kids want a brand new Nintendo Chorus For many months how the kids have implored 'em Chorus Letters to Santa can be so heart-rending Chorus For many months how the kids have implored 'em For Beanie Babies--just watch people hoard 'em--, Video games to relieve kiddies' boredom, And the latest trading cards! Chorus And the bottom line stands hard!
|
03 Dec 01 - 04:24 PM (#602919) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie Please excuse the SNAFU in the above post (inadvertent duplication of one verse and a tag). The post was s'posed to end after the 3rd verse and a chorus. Dunno wha hoppen. Genie |
04 Dec 01 - 01:31 PM (#603479) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: brid widder Good King Wenceslas looked out of the bedroom winder Silly bugger he fell out on a red-hot cinder Brightly shone his bum that night Though the frost was cruel Till the doctor came in sight Riding on a Mu-uel Can't remember not knowing that! ...or...
Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat Ah, Christmases of old! |
25 Nov 02 - 10:25 PM (#835081) Subject: Lyr Add: DON'T REST, YE HARRIED SHOPPERS From: Genie Here's another one we used for the Alternative Gift Market: DON'T REST, YE HARRIED SHOPPERS Don't rest, ye harried shoppers, then, let nothing you deter. Avail yourselves of savings now, with interest deferred, To save from 10 percent and up, come in and join the herd. (Refrain) Oh, try buying your comfort and joy, comfort and joy! Oh, try buying your comfort and joy! From Saks, Wal-Mart and Bloomingdale's the blessed ad men came And unto us, their customers, brought lures to play their game, How that if we don't spend and spend, it sure would be a shame! (Refrain) Oh, try buying your comfort and joy, comfort and joy! Oh, try buying your comfort and joy! |
18 Dec 02 - 12:39 AM (#849427) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie Hark Some Lines That Anglers Fling |
18 Dec 02 - 12:51 AM (#849436) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie Ho Ho Ho, A Fishing We Will Go |
18 Dec 02 - 12:59 AM (#849439) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie We Wish You Would Clean Our Fish Mess |
18 Dec 02 - 01:02 AM (#849440) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie several "carols" for fishermen |
18 Dec 02 - 07:17 AM (#849524) Subject: Lyr Add: GAUDY TREE From: Dead Horse GAUDY TREE (Translated from the Latin original) Chorus Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles It's all baubles and tinsel, they say Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles It's all baubles and tinsel, they say There's a fairy on the top, and her wand it flickers Wooden soldier down below, he's looking up her…. Cheapo flashing lights around, strung on plastic wire Made in Hong Kong I'll be bound, soon there'll be a …. Fathers doing magic tricks, just to entertain us Mother has the Paxo out, stuffing the turkeys…. Sister has her boyfriend round, his name is Charlie Tucker They're going out in his new sports car, & then he'll try to … Granddads on the booze again, Grandma begs his pardon As she slips viagra in his glass, to help him get a …. Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles It's all baubles and tinsel, they say Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles It's all baubles and tinsel, they say. |
18 Dec 02 - 08:25 AM (#849547) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Rapparee Years ago, "Mad" magazine published "Carols For Other Holidays": Wreck The Walls (For Halloween) Wreck the walls and fences, golly! Falalala Lalalala Isn't Trick-or-treating jolly? Fa (etc.) Ring that doorbell, slash that tire, Fa... Trip the old man with a wire. Fa. Dressed in sheets and odd appareal, Fa... Can't tell John from Max or Carol, Fa... Which is good 'cause no one else can Fa... Just like grown-ups play Ku Klux Klan. Fa... |
18 Dec 02 - 08:58 AM (#849561) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Rapparee And they had one for New Years' Eve: You'd better watch out You'd better not try Travelin' about I'm tellin' you why: Sodden clods are painting the town. They're wrecking the bars They're starting street fights They're having one of their naughtiest nights: Sodden clods are painting the town. Blythe New Years' drivers pickled In alcoholic brine Will gaily bounce off walls and trees To strains of "Auld Lang Syne." So... You'd better stay home And drink your own rye You're crazy to roam It's obvious why: Sodden clods are painting the town |
18 Dec 02 - 08:52 PM (#850008) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: JennieG G'day all, Here's this year's favourite, with thanks to Bob Bolton: Tune: Lilli Marlene Christmas has been cancelled, Santa Claus is dead, They found himn in a toyshop with a bullet to his head And on his chest was pinned a note And this is what the papers wrote That he was on the payroll of Toltoys and Mattel.... Cheers JennieG |
19 Dec 02 - 09:46 PM (#850863) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Malachy Hey Dead Horse..'Gaudy Tree' was the best!! |
19 Dec 02 - 11:40 PM (#850920) Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED (P Mortimer) From: JennyO Here's the whole of "CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED" Tune: Lili Marlene These words: Paul Mortimer Christmas has been cancelled, Santa Claus is dead. When the scandal broke He put a bullet through his head. Pinned to his chest they found a note Admitting what - the papers wrote: That he was on the payroll Of Toltoys and K-tel. It was bigger still than Lockheed Worse than Watergate. Kids throughout the world Called for his head upon a plate The myth was destroyed and in its wake, Old Santy stood there a callous fake. And evidence is mounting That he was C.I.A. The Church it tried to brand him A charlatan and worse. The Pope said 'Keep off Christmas, mate, We used that number first, As a time when all good Christians sing Of Jesus Christ and cribs and things. Of course it's only bulldust To get the faithful in.' Further allegations Have made the papers wail, That Santa's love for children Was way beyond the pale, He always liked to give out toys To little girls and little boys. It seems that he was harmless But some don't understand. Well we can still be jolly And celebrate New Year, And we'll be nice to other folks More than once a year. With no tinsel trees or plastic snow Or jingle bells or yo ho ho's. And no more f***ing reindeer Or little drummer boys. Repeat first verse This little gem usually rears its ugly head in the Sydney folk scene around this time of year. First heard Carol Fyfe singing it. Jenny |
20 Dec 02 - 08:55 PM (#851501) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie Doggie Wonderland |
20 Dec 02 - 11:18 PM (#851555) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: JennieG Thanks JennyO - see you at Gulgong? Cheers JennieG |
20 Dec 02 - 11:59 PM (#851561) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Cluin Part of one we used to sing in school: We three fools from Sudbury are Drinking beers and driving our car Whistling, mooning, yelling, drooling... Taking things way too far. Especially when the Hounds were playing the Wolves. Northern Ontario rivalries, y'know... By the way, I had a slightly different version of "The Ring Dang Doo" posted above. Ended with the verse: And now she lays beneath the sod Her soul, they say, is gone to God But below, in Hell, when the Devil's blue He takes a whirl on her Ring Dang Doo. |
21 Dec 02 - 02:16 AM (#851590) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: JennyO Yes, Jennie G, we'll be at Gulgong, tarting around as usual, and in Dale Dengate's workshop too . See ya there. Jenny |
21 Dec 02 - 09:33 AM (#851641) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bob Bolton G'day JennyO, Thanks for the full text of Christmas Has Been Cancelled (requested in another thread)... I suspected that it was one of Paul Mortimer's little parodies - but I don't have his book! Regards, Bob Bolton |
17 Nov 03 - 11:20 PM (#1055909) Subject: Lyr Add: FROSTY THE DEFROSTED SNOWMAN From: Jim Dixon Transcribed from the sound file at http://www.megspace.com/entertainment/judya/xmas.html FROSTY THE DEFROSTED SNOWMAN (As sung by Homer & Jethro) Frosty the Snowman got a job out on the farm, And the farmer knew he'd never do the animals any harm. Frosty had a little lamb and he put it on the shelf, And ev'ry time it wagged its tail, it spanked its little self. They sent him out to shovel snow and Frosty looked so grim, For ever' time he stopped to rest, his work piled up on him. Frosty the Snowman liked to herd the sheep, it's true. Ev'ry day he could hear the rams a-singin', "Ewe, Ewe, Ewe." Frosty tried to milk the cows but he was such a grouch (?) The cows would never holler "Moo." They'd only holler "Ouch!" He fed the cows some sugar and they drank from a frozen stream. Now when old Frosty milks the cows, they only give ice cream. He cross-bred beets and taters, and imagine his surprise: When the taters started to grow, they all had bloodshot eyes. Frosty the Snowman backed into the stove one day. Though it felt so warm, it ruined his form. He melted plumb away. |
18 Nov 03 - 12:49 AM (#1055953) Subject: Lyr Add: FATTY CLAUS (Johnny MacRae) From: danceswithcats The one posted above from a year or so ago was done by John Valby, AKA Dr. Dirty. He's done many other bawdy tunes-think of him as an X-rated Weird Al. One I heard on a jukebox some years ago: FATTY CLAUS by Johnny MacRae Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit and all them stinkin' reindeer I believe in Santa Claus yeah, I believe that he's a prick 'cuz though he comes but once a year it's enough to make me sick him and his Christmas spirit are really a lot of bunk I'll have to bust my ass for another year just to pay for all this junk CHORUS Well, I believe in Santa though he's got me in a mess 'cuz I'm over the limit on my MasterCard and my Visa and American Express While I'm sweatin' and grievin' 'bout this money mess I'm in he'll be up there sittin' ON HIS BIG FAT ASS until Christmas comes again CHORUS Here comes Fatty with his Ho, Ho, Ho's and there my money all go, go, goes I'd like to punch him in his big red nose make him wish he'd never came here |
18 Nov 03 - 07:53 AM (#1056117) Subject: Lyr Add: 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TECHNOLOGY VERSION) From: Sandra in Sydney Not a song - but I love it. 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TECHNOLOGY VERSION) On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?) On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!) On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything) .. Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?) On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over) .. Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?) .. Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?) On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!) .. Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold? .. Three French users (No, we don't have foot pedals on PC's. Why do you ask?) .. Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!) On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!) .. Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!") .. Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!) .. Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen...) .. Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the ceiling!) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was written?) On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Seven license failures (Expired? When?) .. Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!) .. Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?) .. Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time...) .. Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but...) .. Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!) On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!) .. Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?) .. Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?) .. Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?) .. Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back - DAMN!) .. Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program) .. Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?) On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?) .. Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?) .. Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!) .. Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?) .. Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?) .. Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that already.) .. Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?) .. Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!) On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that God-awful beeping?) .. Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a men’s room? Why?) .. Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet here!) .. Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?) .. Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus!) .. Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?) .. Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before...) .. Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!) .. Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?) On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?) .. Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?) .. Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?) .. Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?) .. Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!) .. Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!) .. Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling!) .. Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!) .. Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!) .. Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!) On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: .. Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be two!) .. Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?) .. Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like Xmas lights.) .. Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before backups?) .. Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.) .. Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know it.) .. Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!) .. Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!) .. Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end up with you?) .. Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds!) .. Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring...) .. And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, Norway. We were just talking and were cut off...) http://www.chucklesofchoice.com/r-jokes/holidays/christmas/12chris009 |
18 Nov 03 - 02:08 PM (#1056389) Subject: Lyr Add: WE WISH YOU WEREN'T LIVING WITH US From: LilyFestre A favorite parody from my youth.........sung to the tune of We Wish You A Merry Christmas, taken from Twisted Christmas, Bob Rivers. WE WISH YOU WEREN'T LIVING WITH US We wish you weren't living with us, We wish you weren't living with us, We wish you weren't living with us, We're not happy you're here! You drive everybody crazy, You're hopelessly fat and lazy, You're constantly in the way here So pack up your gear! You're feeding your face You're taking up space, We wish you weren't living with us We' re not happy you're here. Excuse me if I'm mistaken, But those are long distance calls you're makin' How long do you plan on takin' Advantage of us? We wish you weren't living with us, We wish you weren't living with us, We wish you weren't living with us, Get out of town, now! Michelle |
18 Nov 03 - 07:37 PM (#1056572) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Joe_F The "Beecham's Pills" parody of "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" comes with a story. It seems that the local laxative manufacturer offered to provide free hymnbooks to the church, if it would be allowed in insert one advertisement. That seemed fair, and indeed, it appeared that the company had left out the advertisement. But next Christmas, the parishioners found themselves singing.... The version I heard (St Andrews University, 1958) ended How can man to art aspire If is soul is not on fire? How can man crawl into bed With his belly full of lead? The version of the Twelve Days of Christmas current at the same time & place had 12 twisted twats 11 lecherous lesbians 10 torn-off testes 9 gnawed-off nipples 8 aching arseholes 7 sex-starved spinsters 6 convicted vicars 5 choir boys 4 Boy Scouts 3 dirty whores 2 shithouse doors and my Lord Montague of Beaulieu -- the last having been had up for sodomy in a then fairly recent scandal. The following, IIRC, is by E. Gorey: Hark, the herald angels sing: Glory to the newborn Thing, Who, because of radiation, Will be cared for by the nation. Also in a somewhat filkish mood, I believe I saw the following in a fanzine some years ago: It came upon a midnight clear And ate up everything in sight. Finally, from Caltech ca. 1962 I recall O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, Oh, piss on thee, O Christmas tree! |
19 Nov 03 - 07:43 PM (#1057324) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Joe_F Oh, and how could I have forgotten -- Papa's nerves get frazzled, & wearing thin Mama in her wisdom gets drunk on gin The kids go build a roadblock, for Santa's sleigh Gonna have a big dead bird for dinner, on Christmas Day -- "Big Dead Bird", by Lou & Peter Berryman |
19 Nov 03 - 07:53 PM (#1057330) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Joybell Already on the Secret Santa thread from The oldpooparoo. Worth repeating. You better watch out, whatever you say, There's a big van parked over the way. Santa Claus is listening to you. He's watchin your house all the day long, Makin a list of what you do wrong. Santa Claus is checking on you. He knows if youve been washing your naughty bits and all; He's put a 2-way mirror right in your bathroom wall. He's under your bed, tappin your phone. Better give up, youre never alone. Santa Claus is spying on you. |
20 Nov 03 - 12:17 AM (#1057511) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Cluin I stil like this one. |
20 Nov 03 - 12:32 AM (#1057522) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: LadyJean There used to be a Children's TV show called Ricki and Copper, Ricki was the host, with Copper, her Irish setter. Some completely warped child sang the following on that show, one Christmas. Rudolf the red nose cowboy had a very shiney gun And if you ever saw it, You would turn around and run. All of the other cowboys, used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any poker games. Then one foggy Christmas eve, the sheriff came to say, "Rudolph with your gun so bright, would you kill my wife tonight." Then all the cowboys loved him, and they shouted out with glee, "Rudolph the red nosed cowboy, you'll be hanging from a tree." Jingle bellski jingle bellski jingle all the wayski! What are you doing? I'm Russian the season. Three kings of Orient are one of them lighted a big black cigar It was loaded it exploded Two kings of orient are. You work your way down to one king of orient are. He lights the exploding cigar, then you sing, "Silent Night". I have an eidetic memory. Aren't you sorry. |
20 Nov 03 - 06:55 AM (#1057668) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,rob my favorite female duo Taggart and Wright do a very good version of galde tae or however it is spelled. they are on at the Middlewich Winter Warmer festival this Saturday. I suppose it will be on their set list. |
20 Nov 03 - 11:58 AM (#1057826) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,ClaireBear For all you nautical characters . . . this is awfully silly, but it's been a real hit with the kiddies at Chanteyranger's park's "Christmas at Sea" event: What do you do with a red-nosed reindeer? What do you do with a red-nosed reindeer? What do you do with a red-nosed reindeer ear-lie Christmas morning? Way-hey, up he rises Way-hey, up he rises Way-hey, up he rises ear-lie Christmas morning (verses ad lib; our faves include the following:) Fill him up with figgy pudding Throw him in the eggnog, make him drink it Don't let him play any reindeer games Put him in charge of an elf self help group Give him a sack of magic feed corn Hitch him up to Santa's sleigh Send him on a fast flight 'round the planet That's what we do with a red-nosed reindeer . . . |
20 Nov 03 - 12:17 PM (#1057844) Subject: Lyr Add: THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID GENTLEMEN (Rivers) From: Alaska Mike THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID GENTLEMEN by Bob Rivers Sung to the Tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" The restroom door said gentlemen So I just walked inside I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride I heard high voices And I saw the place was occupied By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse What could be worse Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse The restroom door said gentlemen It must have been a gag As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag She sprayed me with a can of mace and hit me with her bag I could tell this just wouldn't be my day, What can I say It just wasn't turning out to be my day The restroom door said gentlemen And I would like to find The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign Cause I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind Now I can't sit with comfort and joy Boy oh boy No I'll never sit with comfort and joy |
22 Nov 03 - 09:51 PM (#1059347) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: The Fooles Troupe Lady Jean that 3 Kings joke is similar to what the Goon Show written by Spike Milligan did... :-) except there was a sound of a gunshot ... Robin |
23 Nov 03 - 02:16 AM (#1059391) Subject: Christmas parodies From: GUEST,Jane H I didn't see this Beechams version of Hark the Herald Angels Sing (my dad's favourite): Hark! The Herald Angels Sing Beechams Pills are just the thing! One at night and two in the morning They will work without any warning! If you want to go to heaven then you take a dose of seven, If you want to go to Hell Take the bloody box as well! Merry Christmas and thanx to all, particularly JennyO for Christmas Has Been Cancelled!! |
23 Nov 03 - 12:01 PM (#1059414) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Rapparee Oh little town of Bethlehem How still we see thee lie Above thy deep and lifeless sleep The mushroom clouds roll by. Yet in thy dark streets shineth That mushrooms glaring light The hopes and fears of all the years Were blown to hell, tonight. Yes, we sang it in high school. |
30 Nov 03 - 10:28 PM (#1063428) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: The Fooles Troupe A Charisma Scare Roll Go dressed team marriage end dull meant Lit north ink cutest May Forge eases cry star say fiord West boor non crisp mistake, Two safe assault form say tons spar Win whee wore gonifs tray; Owe, tide ink's off come fort enjoy, come fort enjoy, Owe tye eye dink's off come fort enjoy. |
30 Nov 03 - 10:30 PM (#1063429) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: The Fooles Troupe An Udder Charisma Scare Roll Oak gum ball if facefull, choy fall ant dry infant; Gum ball ease it is sins off heavy nabob. Gum band a door imp, barn off kinky faint shells. Oak omelet acid Durham, oak omelet acid Durham, Oak gum lettuce at Durhammm, cry, I still hoard. And a harp pine weir two ewe. Robin |
15 Dec 03 - 12:08 PM (#1072974) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: nutty refresh |
17 Dec 03 - 08:31 AM (#1074450) Subject: Lyr Add: POLITICALLY CORRECT NIGHT BEFORE XMAS From: Sandra in Sydney dunno where this came from - it was sent to me today by a friend. ............................... "T'was the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked bloody stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Oprah, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Mz . And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No soccer , no footy ...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, its price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." |
17 Dec 03 - 02:53 PM (#1074706) Subject: Lyr Add: THE SNOWMAN'S SONG From: GUEST,Jacqued Try this, Guest A1 THE SNOWMAN'S SONG Paper Angels - Artisan CD James and Mayor In the middle of the winter the snowman got quire bored, So he thought he'd take a holiday to a sunny land abroad. He wasn't frightened of the sun, he thought he'd be okay, But he went for a swim in the deep blue sea, And he melted clean away! It's c-c-c-c-cold being a snowman, it's fr-fr-fr-frosty stood out here, Me teeth they chatter like a chimpanzee, Oh what I'd give for a nice cup of tea, I'm a ch-ch-ch-chilly, chilly, c-c-c-cold, fr-fr-fr-frosty snowman! There once was a handsome snowman called Michael John O'Grady, Who fell in love on a winter's morn with another rather nice snow lady. She gave him a kiss on his frosty lips and then they had a cuddle, But then they got a bit too hot and turned into a puddle! Chorus There once was a snowman climber who climbed up a snowy peak, But he didn't feel like climbing down 'cos his legs had gone all weak! But snowmen they are clever and in the mountains you can spot 'em, They turn into an avalanche and slide down on their bottom! Chorus Oh pity the poor snowman out in a winter's storm, An old top hat and a football scarf are all that keep him warm. He'd sooner sit inside the house by the fireside nice and snug, But if he did he'd turn into a wet patch on the rug! Chorus There once was a showman snowman who played the ukulele, And though his fingers froze tot he bone he gave his concerts daily. He thought it was a small guitar 'cos once he had been told, That things got bigger when they warm up and shrink when they get cold! It's c-c-c-c-cold being a snowman, it's fr-fr-fr-frosty stood out here, Me teeth they chatter like a chimpanzee, Oh what I'd give for a nice cup of tea, I'm a ch-ch-ch-chilly-chilly, c-c-c-cold, fr-fr-fr-frosty snowman! Last line of chorus x 2 08/12/03 |
17 Dec 03 - 03:12 PM (#1074719) Subject: Lyr Add: ARREST THESE MERRY GENTLEMEN (Sid Kipper) From: GUEST,Jacqued Ana, try these: ARREST THESE MERRY GENTLEMEN Sid Kipper Arrest these merry gentlemen and make them go away, Arrest these merry gentlemen it may be Christmas Day. But they're singing and they're shouting and they're causing an affray, So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy, So take tidings to Constable Joy. Arrest these merry gentlemen a'begging in the street, They're dirty and they're ragged, they've no boots upon their feet. They're not the type of person who we really wish to meet, So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy, So take tidings to Constable Joy. Arrest these merry gentlemen they're rough unruly louts, Now they've started arguing and loudly they do shout. And soon I think we'll see some Christmas boxing breaking out, So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy, So take tidings to Constable Joy. Arrest these merry gentlemen who in their gutters crawl, The good, the bad, the ugly, the long, the short, the tall. We'd like to wish a miserable Christmas to them all, So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy, So take tidings to Constable Joy 30/11/99. |
18 Dec 03 - 08:35 AM (#1075296) Subject: Lyr Add: 'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS From: JennyO You need to read this BEFORE Christmas. 'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS ============================ Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin' even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, While upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen and started to clean. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN." With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox. Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name: "Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's. To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!" He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load. Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU BOUGHT....... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!" Anon |
18 Dec 03 - 09:58 AM (#1075377) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Stephen L. Rich Good King What'shisface stood out on his feet uneven Tired from a drinking bout of the preceding evening His face was red he looked half dead His serving man said, "Well, sir It looks like time to go and get the Royal Alkaseltzer." Stephen Lee |
19 Dec 03 - 07:58 AM (#1076088) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Splott Man Haven't seen this one yet (from my youth) We three Beatles of Liverpool are John in a taxi, Paul in a car George on a scooter, honking his hooter Following Ringo Starr I believe it's an updated variant on a previous version And here's a Christmas dedication to Mair Daisby Marianne Bright Anne Mayall Yer Chris Mrs B White Happy Christmas |
19 Dec 03 - 09:03 AM (#1076134) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Snuffy Pretty close to my list, Ned. Mayor Dazeby Marion Bright Anne-May Allyer Chris Mrs B White Nadolig llawen |
19 Dec 03 - 09:22 PM (#1076578) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST Heard one on the radio this morning to the tune of "The Lady is a Tramp". Anyone have the lyrics? |
20 Dec 03 - 12:16 PM (#1076848) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,barry "I don't Care Who You are, Fatty, Get Those Reindeer off my Roof" I don't know if this is just a made-up song title I read somewhere or an actual song. |
16 Dec 06 - 01:07 PM (#1911110) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Desert Dancer Refreshing! |
16 Dec 06 - 01:43 PM (#1911134) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Bernard John Kirkpatrick's parody of 'Gaudete', which is part of 'Carolling and Crumpets'... on the new album of the same name. Cows eat hay But today it's juiced tomatoes Eggs for tea the turkey lay Yesterday. |
17 Dec 06 - 07:18 AM (#1911632) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Scrump JK's CD is highly recommended! :-) His Gaudete parody reminds me of the old Norfolk (and good) song: Awayday, awayday, loco in transit Omnibus, St Pancreas, awayday (etc.) |
18 Dec 06 - 06:04 PM (#1913071) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: voyager I don't think of Channukah as a 'parody' of the Xmas Season but.... the MUSE delivered a tune this year in the spirit of 'O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum'...... Here it is O Channukah, O Channukah Enjoy the holiday season! voyager |
18 Dec 06 - 08:52 PM (#1913188) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,Owlkat Spike Milligan's christmas song; I'm walking backwards for christmas Across the Irish sea I'm walking backwards for christmas It's the only life for me I've tried walking sideways, and to the front People just said, "Oh that's just a publicity stunt" I'm walking backwards for christmas The only thing for meeeeeeeeeeeee. ...think I got most of the words Cheers. |
19 Dec 06 - 05:37 AM (#1913405) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Scrump Don't forget: An immigrant lad loved an Irish colleen From Dublin's Galway Bayyeeeeeeee He longed for her arms But she spurned his charms And sailed o'er the foam awayyyeeee She left the lad at home on his own All alone, and sorroweeee-inggggggggg And sadly he dreamed, (Or at least that's the way it seemed, buddy) That an angel choir to himmmmmmm, An angel choir did singgggggggggggg |
19 Dec 06 - 05:26 PM (#1914102) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: oggie John Connelly has a great one but I can only remember the chorus Hark now hear the angels sing Listen to what they say, That in this world of sinners There's a mug bornevery day. Anyone got the verses? All the best oggie |
19 Dec 06 - 09:58 PM (#1914319) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: oldhippie Tune: "I'll Be Home For Christmas" I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love Even more than I usually do And although I'm lost, it's a long road back This I promise you... Well, I'll be home for Christmas You can plan on me So, please have snow and lots of mistletoe And presents under the tree Oh, Christmas eve will find me Where the love light gleams I'll be home for Christmas If only in my dreams |
20 Dec 06 - 04:15 AM (#1914470) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Ian This hit my inbox yesterday (Scouse is slang for Liverpudlian ie of Liverpool UK) Scouse Christmas Song - (to the tune of Mistletoe and Wine: ...) Christmas time, drunkenness and crime, Children playing - in filth and grime, With cars all on fire - loot under the tree Time to rejoice - in be-ing scally, It's a time now for stealing, a time for receiving, Knocked-off gear - oh worra great feelin Why pay top dollar - yer can nick it for free, Just like our lecky, - gas and TV Christmas time, p*ssed all the time Nicking ciggies, - spirits and wine Wearing-shell-suits and Nykees - all knocked off gear It's great getting p*ssed - on some other bloke's beer Its a time now for drinkin - six packs of Stella Dat yer got down the backs - from some dodgy Fella Christmas is sound - Christmas is best God bless our Cilla - and the DHSS Christmas time - time to joy-ride Then go and visit - family inside With Dad on a six stretch - and sis up the duff This 'City of Culcher' can get pretty rough So next time your driving - through Liverpool-city You may just know why - the streets look so sh*tty So keep a sharp eye out - for those dodgy deals But don't drive too slow - or we'll pinch all four wheels! And Merry Chistmas/Xmas/Yueltide to you all. Ian |
20 Dec 06 - 05:57 AM (#1914540) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,Jim I I remember when young (many decades ago) and non PC (still!) we used to sing God rest ye Jerry mentlemen Let nothing you dismay Although you're in a loony bin Ye might get out one day Unfortunately the ravages of time have deleted the rest from what passes from my brain. |
20 Dec 06 - 07:23 AM (#1914578) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Ian To follow on Jim I CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED 1. Schizophrenia --- Do I Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees And..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy... Oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle |
20 Dec 06 - 07:31 AM (#1914581) Subject: Lyr Add: JOHN HOWARD'S CHRISTMAS (John Warner) From: JennyO Here's one that John wrote last year about our prime miniscule: JOHN HOWARD'S CHRISTMAS John Warner - December 2005. Tune - Good King Wencessessesslauss [ don't know how to stop spelling it.] Christmas presents filled the mind Of wee johnny howard. He would rob the workers blind, To see the rich empowered. With his tiny brain in gear, Plans the lad was making, Gifts to give his mates this year, From all others taking. Workers who don't toe the line, Let the bosses sack them. Johnny howard says it's fine, They'll have laws to back them. All unfair dismissal laws, Tinsel wrapped with holly, Scrapped in the employers cause, Won't that gang be jolly. "Here's your nasal grindstone mate, Gift wrapped from your master. Don't complain or curse your fate, Kindly pedal faster." Round and round and round she goes, Wearing faces down sir, Bloody, red and flat our nose, Howard's nose is brown, sir. "Bring me flesh and bring me wine, Bring a barbecue sir. Plenty for these mates of mine, No, there's none for you sir. Lots of debts and lots of lies, Financial excision, If you dare to criticise, We call that sedition." Once a year does Christmas come, A subject for reflection, Noses flat and spirits numb, When's the next election? One more gift to open folks, And it's a back hander, One of howard's little jokes, A national gerrymander. Red suit and a fluffy beard, Don't suit our prime minister. Howard's puny soul is geared, To a dress more sinister. Mask and jemmy, stripey vest, Pitchfork, horns and tail sir, But broad arrows would be best, And ten years in jail sir. |
01 Dec 08 - 09:16 PM (#2505469) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie Refresh! |
02 Dec 08 - 07:05 AM (#2505694) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: trevek Bill Barclay's 12 days of Christmas, where he gets drunk singing it... http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=45868&messages=51&page=1 Boy Mongoose's version of 12 days http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE Achmed the dead terrorist's "Jingle Bombs" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wskT6YfVB6E |
04 Dec 08 - 10:06 PM (#2508249) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Cluin The Grinch Revisited. |
05 Dec 08 - 07:02 AM (#2508490) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: melodeonboy There's a really funny Christmas medley called "Christmas on the Estate" which appeared last year, and which I've adopted into my Christmas repertoire. I can't remember where it came from. If anybody knows where it is, perhaps they can put it onto this thread, with appropriate link. Failing that, I'll put the lyrics on here myself, but it would, of course, be better with both a link to the song and a credit to whoever wrote it. |
05 Dec 08 - 08:37 AM (#2508553) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: MMario When our Dikckens carolers go into the bakery we frequently sing our :Qaulity control Carol" Doughnuts, no yeast, pitch'em! |
05 Dec 08 - 11:38 AM (#2508686) Subject: Lyr Add: MARY'S BOY CHILD From: Sooz Oggie asked for this two years ago - hope you're still around! MARY'S BOY CHILD (as re-written for Christmas Grumpies by Grumpy John Conolly …) Long time ago in Bethlehem,so the Holy Bible say Christmas was invented – but they couldn't make it pay .. They had no supermarkets,for to make the shekels roll – Such wasted opportunity offends my very soul … CHORUS : HARK NOW HEAR THE ANGELS SING –LISTEN WHAT THEY SAY – THAT IN THIS WORLD OF SINNERS, THERE'S A MUG BORN EVERY DAY … Now, I'm a Supermarket Boss, I've got a chain of shops And when it comes to Christmas time,we pull out all the stops… Christmas Carols on the Musak,hear them loudly play, And when they've pulled the punters in,we make the suckers pay … Now Santa Claus's Magic Grotto brings in kids galore While Mums and Dads are getting blotto, in the pub next door.. Come closing time,they'll wait in line ,to buy their Christmas tree – Of course,they're twice the normal price ,but – Buy One,Get One Free ! Step right in for "Peace on Earth" and FREE "Goodwill to Man", With our Olde English Christmas tat,made in Ye Olde Taiwan … Get your plastic Homer Simpson,he's the latest rave – You just unscrew his arsehole, and he's full of aftershave … Now,down our street it looks a treat ,each house got up in style, And our front garden's all lit up,like Blackpool's Golden Mile … It's down to Dad – he's just gone mad ,with his Outdoor Lighting Set .. And our New Year electric bill looks like the National Debt … Old Christmas Hits from Yesteryear get thrust at me and you – Like "Do They Know It's Christmas?" – YES, I THINK WE BLOODY DO !!! We've known since MID-OCTOBER,and I really think it's time To tell Cliff Richard where to stick his "Mistletoe and Wine " …. |
05 Dec 08 - 04:31 PM (#2508954) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie I like that doughnuts song, Leo. Is that the same tune as "Don't I Know This Possum?" |
14 Dec 08 - 11:52 PM (#2515453) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie Twelve Days of Cat-Mas Feline version of 12 Days Of Christmas |
19 Dec 08 - 03:52 PM (#2520077) Subject: Lyr Add: THE SCOUSE ROBBING DAYS OF CHRISTMAS From: GUEST,john_brunt THE SCOUSE ROBBING DAYS OF CHRISTMAS On the first day of christmas my true love robbed for me a hub cap of a ca-pri On the second day of christmas my true love robbed for me two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the third day of christmas my true love robbed for me three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the fourth day of christmas my true love robbed for me four prada shirts three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the fifth day of christmas my true love robbed for me five burberry hats four prada shirts three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the sixth day of christmas my true love robbed for me six pairs o' trainees five burberry hats four prada shirts three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the seventh day of christmas my true love robbed for me seven burgerburger kings six pairs o' trainees five burberry hats four prada shirts three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the eighth day of christmas my true love robbed for me eight petrol stations seven burgerburger kings six pairs o' trainees five burberry hats four prada shirts three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the ninth day of christmas my true love robbed for me nine ladies handbags eight petrol stations seven burgerburger kings six pairs o' trainees five burberry hats four prada shirts three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the tenth day of christmas my true love robbed for me ten gucci watches nine ladies handbags eight petrol stations seven burgerburger kings six pairs o' trainees five burberry hats four prada shirts three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the eleventh day of christmas my true love robbed for me eleven sovereign rings ten gucci watches nine ladies handbags eight petrol stations seven burgerburger kings six pairs o' trainees five burberry hats four prada shirts three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri On the twelvth day of christmas my true love robbed for me twelve o a p's eleven sovereign rings ten gucci watches nine ladies handbags eight petrol stations seven burgerburger kings six pairs o' trainees five burberry hats four prada shirts three shell suits two tee vees and a hub cap of a ca-pri |
19 Dec 08 - 04:15 PM (#2520091) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: VirginiaTam Melodeonboy please perform "Christmas on the Estate" this weekend at the Good Intent? |
20 Dec 08 - 02:14 AM (#2520391) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire (Bob Rivers) |
20 Dec 08 - 03:16 AM (#2520393) Subject: Lyr Add: THE CHRISTMAS THONG (Jeanene Pratt) From: Genie Back in Dec. 2001, Aine had a Song Challenge! concerning an office memo from Richard Branson to the Virgin Mobile staff re expected behavior (and verboten behavior) at the upcoming Christmas party - e.g., banning the practice of xeroxing rumps. This New Christmas Party Conduct Guidelines generated a veritable spate of irreverent and hilarious compositions. Those that were parodies of Christmas carols or winter songs include these: The Copied Bummer Boy Rack Your Balls (Upon The Copier) The Little Toner Drum Boy The Office Secretary (Tune: Ding! Dong! Merrily On High Just Bums Sitting On the Copier Jolie All Saints Melanie Give It A Rest, Ye Merry Revelers This one is probably my favorite of the ones I had submitted: Memo (Re Christmas Office Party) The Christmas Thong THE CHRISTMAS THONG Words: Jeanene Pratt © 2001 Tune: The Christmas Song (Mel Tormé & Robert Wells, 1946) Chester's perching on the copier; Jackson's ripping off his clothes; You'll find Carol being done by a buyer,* And folks act up like pesky shmoes. Ev'rybody knows that turkey with his mistletoe Guarantees a raunchy time; Fanny Scott (hers already exposed) Is in the fax-your-fanny line. We know there's gonna be horseplay - We're loaded girls and boys with booty to display. But Virgin's legal team is gonna spy For fear that some dear cuts her butt here and cries. And so they're offering this silly rule: "You kids, no copies in the nude. You know it's been said many years, many days, 'Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas-- You're sued!'" *Alternative lines (if the setting is altered a bit): Jewel's tied Carroll to a hunk from the choir You'll find Carol being done by the choir. Jewel's tied Carroll to a bunk by the fire. **Alternative line: And Boy George dressed up like a 'ho.' |
20 Dec 08 - 09:11 AM (#2520556) Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS ON THE ESTATE (Mike Gregory) From: melodeonboy 'Melodeonboy please perform "Christmas on the Estate" this weekend at the Good Intent?' Thank you, Virginia. It'll be a pleasure. (For details, see the Wassail at the Good Intent thread.) And here, as promised, are the lyrics: CHRISTMAS ON THE ESTATE (To the tune of "Rockin' around the Christmas Tree") There's nothing around the Christmas Tree 'cos the burglars come last night, We didn't even hear a thing 'cos we were wrecked on Diamond White, We don't know who did the job but we'll get back our loot, We're a couple of big lads with a van and we'll raid the next car boot. We'll won't tell the coppers that we've had the pikeys round, If we did, then we'd be sorry 'cos most of it fell off the back of a lorry. The kids' DVDs and PS3s are gone and it's not fair, They won't have a single piece of bling when they go back into care, But everything will be all right, we'll do as we've done before, We'll wait till they've gone to their granny's house and then we'll burgle them next door. (To the tune of "I saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus") I saw Bazza mugging Santa Claus, right outside the Dog & Duck last night, The lead pipe gave a thud, and there was lots of blood, Flowing from his head wound on his beard so snowy white, If I grassed on who mugged Santa Claus, they'd beat out of me seven shades of shite, And the cops will soon be here to get their share out of the gear, That Bazza nicked off Santa Claus last night. (To the tune of "Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem") Oh, little town of Sittingbourne, I hate it when you're shut, I can't get pissed at Bunter's Bar or hang around Pizza Hut, All the pubs are shut, so I can't get a pint or game of pool, But at least it's just another ten days 'fore I go back to school. (To the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas") On the twelfth day of Christmas my partner and me had Twelve different kids by Eleven different fathers Ten Benson & Hedges Nine, niniety-nine for Eight chicken nuggets Watney's Part Seven Six-pack of Stella Five......ring......tones Four-bedroomed house Free rental Too much to drink and A 52" plasma TV I've rewritten some of the lyrics, but I'm not the original songwriter. |
20 Dec 08 - 02:56 PM (#2520810) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Stringsinger Does anyone know the words to "Walking 'Round In Women's Underwear"? There is a classic recording of "Oh Holy Nightmare" which features a singer that is so bad that he is great. When he cracks the high note, you will crack up. Frank |
20 Dec 08 - 04:49 PM (#2520888) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: Genie Stringsinger, I think "Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear" is already posted in the forum (if not the DT). |
22 Dec 08 - 04:47 AM (#2522017) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,leanne frosty the yobbo Got out on parole The judge said he had no respect, And little self control Frosty the yobbo As everybody knows Is a snowman with an attitude and a carrot for a nose. The kids threw snowballs at him, With a constant whack whack whack, But they got more than they bargained for when he upped and chucked them back The police called in the special squad, Who cordoned off the park, They finally caught the snowman when they jumped him after dark They put him in the corner They couldnt let him thaw A magistrate will not convict a puddle on the Sorry i cant remember the last verse! floor |
22 Dec 08 - 04:00 PM (#2522416) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,Michele Callaghan My dad, Dale Tussing, wrote a double parody of O Tannenbaum and The Worker's Flag, which I think is up there with Pogo's Deck Us All With Boston Charlie. Our Christmas tree is painted green It's manufactured by machine. Ere its limbs grow stiff and cold, The green paint's dyed on every fold So raise the sylvan banner high Our Christmas tree will never die. Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer, We'll keep our Christmas tree all year. |
08 Nov 10 - 04:13 PM (#3027010) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,redcoon Hi all looking for an old song it was on a mix tape of twisted christmas songs back in the mid/late 90's probably older though here are the lyrics i remember, to the tune of silver bells starts off these three old ladies trying pay a bum for the corner he is on so they can sing carols ends up selling the spot for a quarter i think the music is on accordion but i'm not sure clanging bells, banging bells, God it's the Salvation Army. clattering, Shattering, Who needs a headache right now ok thanks all cant even find these lyrics on google!!! Grrrrr *one of the old ladies names is Nadine i know its been 2 years since the last post but i am hoping!!! redcoon4christ (at) yahoo.com |
04 Dec 10 - 03:52 AM (#3046052) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,free bird Joy to the world the teacher is dead we barbecues her head what happened to her body we flushed it down the potty and around and around it goes and around and around it goes around, around, around it goes |
04 Dec 10 - 09:56 AM (#3046199) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: framus Does anybody know Crawford Howard's version of the Twelve Days of Christmas, please? All I can recollect is the "Five pints of stout" and the opening "A bloody great hot whiskey" Youl'd probably need to be from the North Down area to have heard it, most likely in John Fealty's. Happy Chrysalids everybody' Davy. |
05 Jan 11 - 09:05 PM (#3068161) Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies From: GUEST,jax boymongoose presents: l2 cricket ball damperers ll syllable names lO minute yoga 9 telly marketers 8 hollywood films 7-ll workers six-sided graduates 5 indian games! 4 hardy kristians 3 buttered chikens 2 nosey inlaws and a totally inofficient diary |