|
01 Feb 01 - 08:07 AM (#387347) Subject: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'I've just visited the little boys room (more info than you need I know - but we all do it!) and had to replace the toilet roll AGAIN!!!! Three times now in three days! Why oh why oh why oh why are some people incapable of performing simple tasks????? IT MAKES ME MAD!!!! And why are us blokes supposed to put the seat down when we have finished? Why can't you women lift the seat up when you have finished instead??? Nothing worse than having to lift up a warm bog seat.... These are the important issues... We need answers.... Dave the Inquisitive Gnome |
|
01 Feb 01 - 08:43 AM (#387361) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Troll YOU replaced the bog roll? WAY TO GO, DAVE! Now they'll know that we know how to do it and they'll expect it from now on. Why do we have to put the seat down? It shows that we "care" and it's a damn sight cheaper that chocolates and flowers. Sheesh! Do we have to tell you young guys EVERYTHING? troll |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:07 AM (#387372) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lady McMoo My word! You use a lot of toilet paper Dave! Yours in admiration, mcmoo |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:11 AM (#387375) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: LR Mole Because you have one of those extra "u"'s in the word "humor".BUT as a fellow mechanical whiz (ha ha) who is the only one capable of manipulating the TP dispenser in a household of four (five if you count the dog, who isn't really involved) I begin another Mudcat poll: is the roll to be put hanging down next to the wall or over the top AWAY from the wall? I'm a wall-side guy, myself. |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:14 AM (#387380) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lady McMoo I'm over the top... mcmoo |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:16 AM (#387383) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Away.... and I always tidy it up so the perforations are aligned (sad or what???) and I didn't use it all myself McMoo - honest!!! (Why McMoo BTW - I think it's a brill name) DtG |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:23 AM (#387391) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lady McMoo Thanks Dave! ...it's short for McElroy Moore. mcmoo |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:28 AM (#387397) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: alison wall, ever tried a padded loo seat?... interesting sensation....lol slainte alison |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:32 AM (#387402) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome My wife went into the ladies in a lovely old pub in Bilston, Staffs. About 30 seconds later she came out muttering about thinking again if they wanted her to go anywhere near the sponge padded, pink vinyl toilet seat...YUK. DtG |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:39 AM (#387409) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: alison it's very odd... the first time I encountered one I wasn't expecting it..... sat down and thought I'm being absorbed into this loo........ I was expecting the usual hard seat... and kept sinking into this thing... so weird an experience that I dragged the blokes in the band into the ladies loos to experience it too...lol...... (sorry alan... your street cred is gone for good...lol).... they didn't have them in the gents...... slainte alison |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:46 AM (#387420) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome they didn't have them in the gents...... Just as well realy;-) DtG |
|
01 Feb 01 - 09:51 AM (#387424) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock wall side. Padded WHAT? Isn't that unhygenic? |
|
01 Feb 01 - 10:04 AM (#387438) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: flattop Come on guys and gals. This is a music site. What's with the toilet humour? |
|
01 Feb 01 - 10:12 AM (#387446) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: kendall In that little white washed building by the barn The most important building on the farm Grandpa cursed the devils soul When his pipe fell down the hole In that little white washed building by the barn... |
|
01 Feb 01 - 10:14 AM (#387448) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Come on guys and gals. This is a music site. What's with the toilet humour? It's a cafe init??? Isn't it compulsory to have toilets in a cafe??? To keep it on track though - just in case - I'll go and pay a visit now - I'll whistle Handels WaterCloset Music to let everyone know I am there. (The lock broke weeks ago...) Any other suggestions? A bit of rock and toilet-roll? Bog Bad John? Oh deary, deary me, I must be bored.... DtG |
|
01 Feb 01 - 10:18 AM (#387450) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Bun My gramma, had a polystyrene cover on her toilet. It was always warm to sit on and kind of an uncomfortable feeling that you had just sat down seconds after someone else. i would like to point out that the first thread I ever started was about "constipation" this is not toilet humor, but I had lots of strange advice on how to cope with it - thank god I am not a mathematicion. Bun |
|
01 Feb 01 - 10:22 AM (#387451) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: bill\sables I think the only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one. |
|
01 Feb 01 - 10:34 AM (#387454) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Michael in Swansea Over the top. While we're on the subject, a couple of weeks ago one of the bars in Swansea opened a "twin pan loo" for the ladies. One cubicle two bog pans. Well? Mike |
|
01 Feb 01 - 10:46 AM (#387461) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome I thought My gramma, had a polystyrene cover on her toilet and the only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one were both brilliant song titles (where are you, Micca???) ...but where does Twin Pan Loo come into it? Isn't he a short green stripey guy in Star Wars - The Phantom Menace??? DtG, getting more and more brain dead by the second... |
|
01 Feb 01 - 11:00 AM (#387471) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Big Mick So this auld lad is sitting enjoying his morning constitutional on 1/2 of a two hole outhouse. In walks this fella who sits down beside him and they have a wonderful conversation. The auld boy stands up and as he does so a 25 cent piece falls out of his pocket and down the hole. "Bad luck" sez the other fella, as the auld boy takes out a $20.00 bill and throws it down the hole. "You damned fool" sez he, "what the hell did you do that for?" The auld lad sez "You don't think I am dumb enough to go down there for 25 cents, do you?" |
|
01 Feb 01 - 11:14 AM (#387480) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Midnight Cowboys - in a Lancashire setting - were the blokes who came round in a horse and cart every night emptying the contents of peoples 'privies' into the cart before taking it away to be desposed of elsewhere... One warm summer night old Bert was shovelling away in his shirt sleves and knocked his jacket into the cart. "Bugger" he says as he puts his arm in... "Oh, bloody 'ell" says young George, retching, "It's only a jacket - can yer not get a new 'un?" "Aye," says Bert, fumbling about, "I could, but I've left me butties in't pocket..." |
|
01 Feb 01 - 11:38 AM (#387492) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Pseudolus Drunk gets up from the bar and goes into the mens room. A few minutes later there's a blood-curdling scream from inside. A few minutes later another scream. After the third scream the bartender goes to the door and yells, "Is everything ok in there?". The drunk yells out, "I'm trying to flush but every time I try, something reaches up a sqeezes the hell out of my balls!!" The bartender goes in and says, "Ya damned fool, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!"
Frank P.S. Is this thread creep, or a creepy thread? who knows!! |
|
01 Feb 01 - 12:08 PM (#387508) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: mousethief Over the top. Definitely. Also, I too am the only person in the house capable of changing the roll. Or turning out the bathroom lights. Which is why I'm installing a timer knob for the damned things. |
|
01 Feb 01 - 01:05 PM (#387546) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Snuffy Wall side, definitely. 3-year-olds like making the toilet roll spin round and round - and guess what happens if it's not wall-side! |
|
01 Feb 01 - 01:06 PM (#387549) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Hollowfox I was raised Wall-side, my husband was raised over the top. For twenty years I put up with over the top behavior, and when he left, I told the kids that whoever changed the roll got to put it on either way, as they chose. There are enough "do it the right way" chores in the house without adding one more. (georgeward's lady wife told me to choose my battles wisely when it came to teenagers.) |
|
01 Feb 01 - 01:17 PM (#387561) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Micca Dave the Gnome, are you referring to "Flushed from the bathroom of your heart?? by any chance...I might add the warm seat as a verse.. if I can see how...mmmmmmm???? |
|
01 Feb 01 - 02:19 PM (#387632) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST Legman reported a joke book printed on a roll of toilet paper. Is that what disappeared? Thank heavens they didn't print sheet music on it, as all those sharps would make it as bad as corncobs to wipe with. |
|
01 Feb 01 - 03:01 PM (#387679) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Uncle_DaveO I'm an over-the-top man, by conviction. Indeed, so much so that if I find a roll installed wall-side I will take it out and fix it right! Dave Oesterreich, the Loo Pedant |
|
01 Feb 01 - 03:23 PM (#387695) Subject: Lyr Add: FLUSH THE MAGIC TOILET (Ian Mills) From: bill\sables FLUSH THE MAGIC TOILET Ian Mills Flush was a magic toilet the finest in the land With golden bells and cherubs all around his ornate pan His pipes were made of silver his cistern was the same And down came crystal waters when you pulled that golden chain Flush the magic toilet lived by the sea And flourished in the autumn mist in a land called Peterlee Flush the magic toilet flowed into the sea Polluting all the beeches for the folk like you and me
Little Suzie Snodgrass used Flush every day
Little Suzie Snodgrass adored that magic loo
Flush lived in this little hut outside Suzie's door
Flush was so broken hearted when he found he'd lost his friend |
|
01 Feb 01 - 03:47 PM (#387707) Subject: Lyr Add: LITTLE RUSTIC HUT (Watt Nichol) From: bill\sables LITTLE RUSTIC HUT Watt Nichol. Tune Garden where the Praties Grow In a little rural village that's where I was born With silver flowing streams and fields of flowing corn But in my childhood memories the thing I most recall Was the little rustic hut that stood against the garden wall
There were flowers in our garden a pleasure for to see
I often used to curse when just a tiny tot
First time I saw it I never shall forget
As I sat on my little hole one night I had a plan
My father often came home drunk when I was only young
Though the house was bared and shuttered it was burgled twice or more |
|
02 Feb 01 - 05:25 AM (#388097) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Liz the Squeak Tune: Little Black Stove.
In the little shed down the back, Well, I got a bit flustered by the end.... Micca, don't even think about it. And if this is a music site, what about all the verses of 'Oh dear what can the matter be?' And ours is upright, on a spike. No walls near enough and I refuse to turn 180 degrees, wrenching my back, spraining my wrists and dislocating my shoulders to get it off the top of the cistern. Whose stupid idea is it to put loo roll holders behind the loo. Daft or what?! LTS |
|
02 Feb 01 - 05:34 AM (#388101) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Gervase Sorry, but this was irresistible: Please don't burn our shit-house down, Mother has promised to pay. Father's away on the ocean wave And sister's in the family way. Brother dear has gonorrhea And times is fucking hard; So please don't burn our shit-house down Or we'll all have to shit in the yard. Ah, I love those ol' tearjerkers! |
|
02 Feb 01 - 08:33 AM (#388167) Subject: Lyr Add: SWEET VIOLETS From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler I'm sure I posted this version of Sweet Violets to an earlier thread but it's not one of the three in the DT. One of the first "naughty" songs I learned which my grandpa taught me (to grannie's disgust!). SWEET VIOLETS (Dedicated to the workers at Minworth sewage works) They say that your father's a muckman And works in the middens all night And when he comes home in the evening He's covered all over in— CHORUS: Sweet Violets Sweeter than the roses Covered all over from head to toe In sweet violets When he comes home for his breakfast There in his chair he will sit Have four or five mouthfuls of breakfast And four or five mouthfuls of— CHORUS They say that he's kind to his children To please him they try all their might But when he's dead, they will bury him In four or five acres of— CHORUS RtS |
|
02 Feb 01 - 08:49 AM (#388174) Subject: Lyr Add: SHINE YOUR BUTTONS WITH BRASSO From: The Walrus at work An addition to Roger's offering SHINE YOUR BUTTONS WITH BRASSO My old dad was a hard working sewerman He shoveled by day and by night And when he got home in the evening He stank of the smell of the .. Shine your buttons with Brasso It's only three ha'pence a tin You can buy it or nick it from Woolworths But I don't think they've got any in. (verse forgotten) Some say that he died of a fever Some say that he died of a fit But I know what my old dad died of He died of the smell of the .. Shine your buttons with Brasso It's only three ha'pence a tin You can buy it or nick it from Woolworths But I don't think they've got any in. Some say that he's buried in gravel Some say that he's buried in grit But I know what my old man's buried in He's buried in six foot of ... Shine your buttons with Brasso It's only three ha'pence a tin You can buy it or nick it from Woolworths But I don't think they've got any in. Sorry I couldn't remember verse 2. Regards Walrus |
|
02 Feb 01 - 09:48 AM (#388213) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Metchosin a definite over the top, especially for those occasional night visits.
It's frustrating fiddling around in the dark, trying to find the leading edge, especially if the despenser is recessed in the wall.
And please lads, seat down, there is nothing worse than expecting to find familiar firm resistance, only to discover the shock of your knees at ear level and your bottom dipped in icy water. It takes more than flowers and chocolate to put one in a good mood after that. (tiny women have been known to disappear and come back later with their attorneys)
On the other hand, for a male there is also nothing worse than having to take a desparate whizz only to discover a fluffy toilet seat cover which refuses to stay up mid-stream. Standing on one foot whilst holding the lid open with the other, is a challenge to both balance and aim. And kneeling holding the lid up with your forehead would, only appeal to some religious groups. Although, an acceptable alternative could be the bath tub, your aim doesn't have to be good and you can always rinse it out if you care to. This will depend on the degree of mutual contempt in the relationship. Or alternatively, you could follow the path of my cousin who sleep walked to the clothes closet to relieve himself. |
|
02 Feb 01 - 10:06 AM (#388220) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Gervase I wonder if your cousin is related to a pal of mine. In the time I've known him he's pissed in or on: (1) a wardrobe; (2) an ornamental punch bowl in someone's china cabinet; (3) a telephone; (4) my head. A strange lad, it's true, but it's amazing how much you can forgive a good singer! |
|
02 Feb 01 - 10:16 AM (#388230) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Bun |
|
02 Feb 01 - 10:19 AM (#388231) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Metchosin ROFLMAO ......what can one say......perhaps a little Bacchanalian like my cousin as well? |
|
02 Feb 01 - 10:19 AM (#388233) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Bun whoops..........used the keyboard not the mouse, and before I knew it .........gone.
I once knew someone who was sleeping in a large hall with many others, after a hard drinking, singing night he got up onto the stage and proceeded to pee on all those in range - thankful i was not among them! |
|
02 Feb 01 - 10:47 AM (#388248) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Metchosin To the tune of Viva la Companie
Archibald jumped up and down on the porch
Open the door songs of my youth.... |
|
02 Feb 01 - 11:37 AM (#388283) Subject: Lyr Add: THE PASSING OF THE BACKHOUSE (J W Riley) From: Bill D THE PASSING OF THE BACKHOUSE When memory keeps me company and moves to smiles and tears, A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years. Behind the house and barn it stood, a half a mile or more, And hurrying feet a path had made straight to its swinging door. Its architecture was a type of simple classic art, But in the tragedy of life it played a leading part; And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy. We had our posy garden that the women loved so well. I loved it too, but better still I loved the stronger smell That filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer, And told the night-o'ertaken tramp that human life was near. On lazy August afternoons it made a little bower, Delightful, where my grandsire sat and whiled away an hour; For there the summer morning its very cares entwined, And berry bushes redded in the steaming soil behind. All day fat spiders spun their webs to catch the buzzing flies That flitted to and from the house, where Ma was making pies. And once a swarm of hornets bold had built a palace there, And stung my unsuspecting aunt—I must not tell where; Then father took a flaming pole—that was a happy day— He nearly burned the building up, but the hornets left to stay. When summer blooms began to fade and winter to carouse, We banked the little building with a heap of hemlock boughs. But when the crust was on the snow and sullen skies were gray, In sooth, the building was no place where one could wish to stay. We did our duties promptly there, one purpose swayed the mind; We tarried not, nor lingered long, on what we left behind. The torture of the icy seat would make a Spartan sob, For needs must scrape the goose-flesh with a lacerating cob, That from a frost-encrusted nail hung pendant by a string. My father was a frugal man and wasted not a thing. When grandpa had to "go out back" and make his morning call, We'd bundle up the dear old man with muffler and a shawl. I knew the hole on which he sat—'twas padded all around, And once I dared to sit there—'twas all too wide I found; My loins were all too little and I jack-knifed there to stay. They had to come and get me out or I'd have passed away. Then father said ambition was a thing boys should shun, And I must use the children's hole till childhood's days were done. But still I marvel at the craft that cut those holes so true; The baby hole, and the slender hole that fitted Sister Sue. That dear old country landmark; I've tramped around a bit, And in the lap of luxury my lot has been sit; But e'er I die I'll eat the fruit of trees I robbed of yore, Then seek the shanty where my name is carved upon the door. I ween the old familiar smell will soothe my jaded soul; I'm now a man, but none the less, I'll try the children's hole. James Whitcomb Riley |
|
02 Feb 01 - 12:12 PM (#388317) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lonesome EJ the definition of TORQUE- This phenomenon occurs to many men the morning after imbibing a quantity of beer. The only option in this case is to sit down to take a whiz. TORQUE is what raises your heels off of the floor when you do this. |
|
02 Feb 01 - 12:31 PM (#388349) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Grab Hmm, seat up or down? According to Metchosin, women'll sit down without checking where they're sitting. Now me, I tend to close the lid as well - what's the female response to this? Just pee on the fluffy cover? ;-) Incidentally, closing the loo seat and lid isn't out of courtesy, it's force of habit. We had a cupboard above the loo where we kept various toiletry stuff. After one toothbrush too many dropped down the pan, I decided enough was enough... To follow up the stories of strange places, I once peed in a rucksack whilst sleepwalking - the owner was not impressed the following morning! Grab. |
|
02 Feb 01 - 05:19 PM (#388661) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: R! Over the top. Seat and lid down after using. NO fluffy covers - ick. Why do grown up people refer to the toilet as the little boys/girls room? This is not a joke - I've always wondered about that phrase. |
|
02 Feb 01 - 05:29 PM (#388674) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: sophocleese My father-in-law stopped using the phrase "little boys room" after a long car journey. He walked into his son's house and said he had to use the little boy's room. His four year old grandson took him by the hand and showed him where he slept, where he kept his clothes, and every toy in his room. My poor father-in-law was in agony before his wife rescued him. |
|
02 Feb 01 - 05:33 PM (#388684) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: R! Funny story! |
|
02 Feb 01 - 05:38 PM (#388692) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Metchosin Grab, only in the dark in my own house. *BG* And I have to leave the lid up, the dogs couldn't cope if denied access to their favourite watering hole. No fluffy covers, my husband wouldn't be able to cope either. |
|
02 Feb 01 - 06:28 PM (#388748) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Snuffy And if any of you Yanks come to Britain you'll find that the bathroom is the room with a bath in it. It may also have a toilet, but don't count on it - most WCs are in a small room of their own. |
|
02 Feb 01 - 08:51 PM (#388877) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Banjer What's with all this talk of fluffy covers and padded seats. Are none among us who belong to the group that lobby and are active in the preservation of wooden toilet seats? Known in formal circles as 'THE BIRCH JOHN SOCIETY' |
|
03 Feb 01 - 12:33 AM (#389006) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: rangeroger Over the top. This summer I read a story about a 75 year old man in Virginia who hadjust come back from the store and was preparing to sit on the porchand play his banjo.He decided to use the outhouse first and it collapsed while he was in it. He had apparently built the outhouse himself 50 years ago and it was still in the original condition. He lay there for 3 days until the post man realized he hadn't picked up his mail and walked around back to check the back door.He then heard feeble noises from the outhouse and found the old man caught in the shattered boards.He was very dehydrated and had some broken ribs but was otherwise ok. He hadn't fallen all the way down. Afterwards he stated that maybe it was time to build a new outhouse. rr |
|
03 Feb 01 - 03:09 AM (#389050) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Liz the Squeak Gervase, why have you never told me that story whilst we were in the pub? Oh, having had hysterics for 20 mins now and frightenend the cat, I understand. Today's useless information. Toilets had lids put on them to prevent germ laden water particles being released into the bathroom when the flush was activated (known as flushback). Because of the way that seats and lids don't fit snuggly, they discovered that putting the lid down actually forces the water particles further and faster out into the room, widening the potential dampening circle and splashing germs even further to where they have a better chance of being picked up.... I always leave the lid up, but seat down. Phoebe has enough trouble not falling through that one.... if she had to sit on bare porcelain......!! Grandad had a huge Jacobean (16/17th Century) farmhouse that had a toilet seat the size of most coffee tables.... Great for those early morning communications with cup of coffee and newspaper! Varnished mahogany no less! Lasted for centuries.... We are on our third seat in 4 years.... only the second pan though. No comments please. LTS |
|
03 Feb 01 - 06:44 AM (#389090) Subject: Lyr Add: JIMMY'S UNLUCKY DAY (Pete MacNab) From: Dunc JIMMY'S UNLUCKY DAY By my big brother Pete MacNab One day Jimmy set off tae go tae the game. His wife said, "The bathroom you'll paint when yer hame. Ye'll clean it and scrub it and make it all bright, But ye'll be decorating when ye get home tonight." Well after the game Jimmy went tae the pub. "I'll hae a pint noo and get on wi' the job." But his team it was beaten, I'm sorry to say, And Jim had encountered an unlucky day. Now once he was hame and he'd finished his tea, The first place he went was the WC. He lifted the lid and sat doon on the pan, For Jimmy I'm told was a regular man. He looked 'roon the room as he sat there in state, And he lit up a fag tae help him ruminate. He casually dropped the lit match doon the pan, And the bowl and poor Jimmy blew up wi' a bang. Well Jimmy was burnt in a delicate part, And his wife in the kitchen she got quite a start. The spirits for cleaning she'd poured doon the pan, And there lay her husband – only half of a man. She dialled 999 and an ambulance arrived. They lifted poor Jimmy more dead than alive. They put him on a stretcher with his arse in the air, And began tae transport him doon the tenement stair. One asked Mrs Jim what had happened that night? She told them the tale of how the pan caught alight. They started tae chuckle. Aye, they both had tae laugh, And they wobbled the stretcher and poor Jim fell aff. With a terrible crash Jimmy fell doon the stair. He broke his left leg and his backside was bare. Now here is the end tae this terrible farce: Jim can't stand on his leg nor sit doon on his arse. |
|
03 Feb 01 - 07:06 AM (#389093) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Banjer I forget exactly how it goes but Gamble Rogers has a story about a painted toilet seat and his wife's experience with it. If anyone can find and trascribe it, it would fit in well here. |
|
03 Feb 01 - 11:15 AM (#389159) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Banjer I found my Gamble Rogers tape and transcribed “War Bunny.” It doesn’t do him justice. His voice and how he tells the story really add a lot to it. Since he is no longer with us, I feel that we can keep the spirit of his expert story telling alive by sharing this. I don’t think he would mind! I recall vividly the first time I heard this. I had just purchased the tape and was driving home listening to it. How I kept the truck between the lines in spite of my hysteric laughter is still a mystery! * * * I’ll never forget the time Still Bill came home. He had no sooner parked his pickup truck down by the garage than he became aware of the most incredible spate of keening and wailing billowing forth from his upstairs bathroom window and he recognized the harsh and assiduous tones of his good wife, War Bunny. It seemed as if she had been overwhelmed with dire exigency. He ran up the stairs and as he ran, he visualized her plight. He had not expected her back so soon and he had taken advantage of her absence to perform some tasks of home repair, specifically the re-enameling of the toilet seat. He knocked on the door and said, “Honey, it’s me, Bill. Are ya all right?” She said, “You idiot! I’m stuck.” He tried the door and it was locked. He said, “Let me in and I’ll help you.” She said, “I can’t get to the door, you fool! I’m stuck.” The door was indeed made fast against untimely intrusion, as War Bunny was well known in these pastoral environs as a righteous woman. Bill went out to the tool shed and gathered the tools necessary for the extrication of his spouse. A putty knife, a can of wheel-bearing grease, a crowbar, and a socket-wrench set in the event he had to dismantle the accommodation. He ran the ladder up the side, and chinned himself up over the sill. His worst fears were confirmed, for here he encountered his worthy spouse, mad as a boiled owl. He said, “Honey, I’ll have you out of this in no time at all.” He took a big dollop of the wheel-bearing grease, applied it, and broke out the crow bar to no good advantage. He had no recourse then but to dismantle the accommodation. He bent to his task with a socket wrench set and in no time at all he had her loose. Now, good people, you have got to visualize this with me: War Bunny came up just a bit rubber-legged. She had been seated seven and a half hours. She never really stood straight up. She was in a jackknifed attitude because the seat came up with her. She was hardly ambulatory. Bill had to carry her down the stairs, across the yard, and try as he might, he could not get her into the cab of the pickup truck in that attitude. He had to take her around back and set her up on her hands and knees in the bed of the truck. Then he went around front, got in, fired her up, just took off right down through the middle of Snipe’s Ford. He pulled up in front of the doctor’s office, carried her up the walk, through the waiting room, into the operating room, and set her up on the operating table. Well, the old Doc came out and made about three complete circles. Bill said “Well, Doc, you ever seen anything like that before?” Doc said, “Why yes, Bill, but never with a frame around it!” [Punctuation fixed, and paragraph breaks added by JoeClone 05-Feb-2001.] |
|
03 Feb 01 - 11:19 AM (#389162) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Banjer I don't know why, but where there are question marks should be either qoutes or apostrophes. Joe Clone....Helppppp!! |
|
03 Feb 01 - 12:22 PM (#389182) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Liz the Squeak HHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Oh what a mental image that conjures up.....!! Loved it, wish I could hear the tape!! Although, probably a good idea not to...... bats are a protected species here. LTS |
|
03 Feb 01 - 11:43 PM (#389469) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Owlkat Hi, I have to admit to having done my share of leaving the seat up, but I have never done that since my then-wife got up in the middle of the night for a visit to the loo, and, not turning on the light, as usual, fell in the bowl. At the time, I was vaguely awake and then I heard a sort of squawk and a splash. There was a moment or two of ominous silence, and then in a damp a frosty voice she told me to put the seat down. I've never forgotten that night and ever since I've made sure the seat and lid are down and ready.I doubt that put the final coffin nail into our marriage, though. I've heard of women who have threatened to put kitty litter around the toilet bowl if their men didn't start using a seated posture, or started to share the cleaning duties in the bathroom. One more toilet thought. There is an eastern superstition that an open toilet bowl lid lets bad spirits into the house and leaks good luck down the pipe and out of the house. Cheer. Owl |
|
04 Feb 01 - 07:12 AM (#389566) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: John Routledge In Great Langdale Cumbria many years ago a farm campsite had a triple seater earth closet type toilet. The holes were different sizes. Agricultural magazines were provided in lieu of toilet paper so instead of going to the toilet we said "Just going to read the Farmers Weekly" Happy Contempletion Geordie Broon |
|
04 Feb 01 - 07:56 AM (#389578) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Ickle Dorritt I really don't know what your all complaining about -when I lived in greece about ten years ago we had two footholds and a large dark hole in the middle -hopeless if you had either a bad aim or violent diaorrhea. about every two weeks the 'Vothros' lorry used to come around, put a big hose down the hole and suck up the contents-yes Greece -the cradle of civilisation. |
|
04 Feb 01 - 11:21 AM (#389660) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Uncle_DaveO A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy".
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!' Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't ever think about it. She let rip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!" |
|
04 Feb 01 - 12:26 PM (#389715) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Cobble I'd join in this one but I'm bogged down at the moment. Cobble. |
|
05 Feb 01 - 05:09 AM (#390254) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Gervase Wooden bog seats are the best - until the buggers split. Then they're absolutely lethal. As you shift your weight, they open and shut like the doors of Hades, pinching yer tender skin and causing yelps from the smallest room. A cracked bog seat must be the sure-fire way to make sure guests don't outstay their welcome! On the subject of my friend with the waywayd bladder (who will have to remain anonymous, as I know he has sometimes looked in on the Mudcat), he was and is quite legendary. One of the most unfortunate incidents was while driving in a minibus through one of the less salubrious bits of Glasgow at chucking out time when my friend announces, in a slightly panicky voice, that he's desperate. Not wishing to stop, another bright spark pipes up "Just piss in one of the beer cans - there's enough of them lying around." Sound idea, but my friend then proceeds to make a complete Horlicks of the timing of a delicate operation by whipping out his todger and opening the sluices before he manages to locate a suitable receptacle. Only to find that, in a fit if quite unnatural tidiness, another friend had cleared out all the empties and filled the box with full cans. With an awesome display of hydraulics he proceeded to spray the entire van. I can say from experience that sharing a fuggy minibus with a 15-stone ginger-headed pile of steaming wool liberally soaked in urine is not pleasant. |
|
05 Feb 01 - 11:47 AM (#390427) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Grab Geordie, there's a pub in the Peaks (the Barrel at Eyam) that has an old 2-holer in a prominent position in the foyer - now fortunately unused! For the detail you really didn't want to know, Greece has very small-bore pipes in its sewage system. As a result, you can't flush paper down otherwise it'll block the pipes. So every Greek toilet has a bin next to it, into which you place used bits of loo-roll. Thank God for air-conditioning, is all I can say. Grab. |
|
05 Feb 01 - 01:00 PM (#390497) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Metchosin Gervase, we have another similarly legendary character here by the name of Arthur, a very large, round Irish fellow.
After an evening of general carousing and late night Shanty singing at my brothers house, Arthur decided it was time to take his leave. When he got to the sidewalk on the street he decided to return to answer a call of nature.
He made his way in and stood door open, in the loo relieving himself, when all hell broke loose. Fortunately for a surprised and confused Arthur and my brother's equally surprised and confused next door neighbour, my brother was able to eventually straighten things out. Good thing for Arthur it was Canada eh? and not the US. I believe my brother's neighbour did started locking his door at night, after the incident. |
|
05 Feb 01 - 03:23 PM (#390662) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Jim Dixon A man with no arms goes into a bar and orders a beer. While the bartender is drawing it, he says to a man next to him, "Say, do me a favor, will ya? There's a ten-dollar bill in my shirt pocket. Will you take it out and lay it on the bar?" The man does so. When the beer arrives, it is obvious that the man with no arms again has a problem. "Will ya do me a favor again? Lift the beer up to my lips so I can take a sip." The other man is a bit annoyed, but unable to think of an excuse, he picks up the glass and tilts it so the man with no arms can drink it. This continues through several glasses. Finally, the man with no arms gets down from the barstool and asks, "Which way is the john?" The other man ponders for a second, and says, "Well … you go out the front door and catch the number 14 bus…" |
|
05 Feb 01 - 03:43 PM (#390675) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Jim Dixon A certain town has had an outbreak of salmonella, and all the restaurants are taking extraordinary measures to reassure their customers that their food is safe. One restaurant even puts out a sign saying, "Our food is untouched by human hands." One skeptical customer watches the waiters carefully and sees that, sure enough, each of the waiters carries a pair of tongs. Whenever a customer orders anything, even a doughnut or a dinner roll, the waiter uses the tongs to pick up the item and place it on a plate. He also notices that every waiter has a bit of yarn hanging out of the front of his trousers. Overcome with curiosity, he asks the nearest waiter what the yarn is for. "The manager here is so strict, he won't even let us touch ourselves when we go to the bathroom," says the waiter, "so I've got the yarn tied around the ol' Johnson, and I use the yarn to pull it out." The customer smiles appreciatively, and then frowns when another question occurs to him. "OK, I understand how you take it out," he says, "but how do you put it back in?" The waiter bends down and whispers, "I don't know what the other guys do, but I use my tongs." |
|
05 Feb 01 - 03:57 PM (#390695) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Bill D to the tune of "Turkey in the Straw"
"A man fell into a septic tank, ....stolen many years ago from Art Thieme..who knows where he got it.. |
|
06 Feb 01 - 05:35 PM (#391661) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Jim Dixon I took the liberty of copying this from an old thread. From "A. C. Mery Talys," [A Hundred Merry Tales], 1526, #26 Of the gentleman that bare the siege board [toilet seat] on his neck. A chandler, being a widower dwelling at Holborne Bridge in London, had a fair daughter whom a young gentleman of Davy's Inn wooed greatly to have his pleasure of her -- which, by long suit to her made, at the last granted him and 'pointed him to come upon a night to her father's house in the evening and she would convey him into her chamber secretly, which was an inner chamber within her father's chamber. So, she according to the 'pointment, all thing was performed so that he lay with her all night and made good cheer till about four o'clock in the morning -- at which time it fortuned this young gentleman fell a-coughing, which came upon him so sore that he could not refrain. This young wench, then fearing her father that lay in the next chamber, bade him go put his head in the draught [privy] lest that her father should hear him -- which, after her counsel, rose in his shift and so did. But then, because of the savour [odor] of the draught, it caused him to cough much more and louder, that the wench's father heard him and asked of his daughter what man was that that coughed in her chamber. She answered and said, "Nobody." But yet ever this young man coughed still more and more, whom the father hearing said: "By God's body, whore, thou liest. I will see who is there-" and rose out of his bed. This wench, perceiving her father rising, came to the gentleman and said: "Take heed, sir, to yourself. My father cometh." This gentleman, suddenly therewith abashed, would have pulled his head out of the draught hole-- which was so very strait [tight] for his head that he pulled the siege board up therewith. And with it hanging about his neck, he ran upon the father (being an old man, gave him a great fall and bare him down and hurt his arm) and opened the doors and ran into the street with the draught board about his neck towards Davy's Inn as fast as he could. This wench for fear ran out of her father's house and came not there a month after. |
|
06 Feb 01 - 06:02 PM (#391685) Subject: Lyr Add: JUSTICE EN LIEU (Charlie Ipcar) From: GUEST,Roll&Go-C Words by Charlie Ipcar © 1993 Inspired by an Associated Press story – 9/9/93 Tune 19th Century Irish Music Hall: "I Wish They'd Do It Now." JUSTICE EN LIEU There are trials and tribulations as in life we make our way, Often there's little justice, you can hear the people say; Now comes the City of Machias, on Maine's rockbound shore, Justice was all confounded at the Courthouse bathroom door. 'Twas in the year of '93, September the eighth day, Judge Marsano left his chambers, or so the papers say; He entered his private bathroom, his duty to pursue, How could he have imagined – fourteen hours en lieu? When he tried to leave the bathroom, he found it was no go; The lock had jammed, his staff had left, no one could hear his woe; So this Justice was confounded – his story will endure – By the push-button locking system on the Courthouse bathroom door. REFRAIN: On the Courthouse bathroom door, On the Courthouse bathroom door, By the push-button locking system On the Courthouse bathroom door. First he tried to force the lock, but 'twas to no avail, If he'd only had a bucket, he might have gotten out on bail; Next he removed the hinge pins, but that door refused to budge, There seemed to be no earthly way to win early release for the Judge. If he'd only brought some law-books, he might have shown more zeal, He could have drafted a petition and gotten out on appeal; But this Justice was confounded – his story will endure – By the push-button locking system on the Courthouse bathroom door. On the Courthouse bathroom door, On the Courthouse bathroom door, By the push-button locking system On the Courthouse bathroom door. So early the next morning, his staff was surprised to hear Such unruly banging and shouting from the bathroom in the rear; They smashed the lock to free the Judge, and the super did allow: "It wasn't funny at the time but it sure is funny now!" |
|
06 Feb 01 - 06:37 PM (#391700) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: radriano The roll goes in over the top (away from the wall - so it doesn't touch the wall, of course). |
|
07 Aug 02 - 05:52 PM (#761510) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Charley Noble Ah, I see I posted the above song, "Justice en Lieu," under my old guest name Roll & Go-C. Cheerily, Charley Noble |
|
07 Aug 02 - 06:47 PM (#761528) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: X Dave the Gnome: Have you ever wondered who it is in your house whose butt is clean at the same time the T-P runs out, thus causing them to never have to put in a new roll to complete a job? Hugh |
|
07 Aug 02 - 06:54 PM (#761530) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Gareth Well many years ago when Guto (now deceased) the terrier was a Young Puppy I was staying with my parents for Xmas. A can or 5 of ale was drunk so I needed to go and shake hands with me best friend. Out into the yard, into the smallest room, dog follows. Dog sees some thing small and pink being waved about. Jumps up and "SNAP" OoooooooH ! Gareth |
|
07 Aug 02 - 11:34 PM (#761650) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Ophelia I have always preferred the over-the-top tp situation however when I was a kid, we had an outside toilet. Upon pulling on the tp as it rolled forward a huge huntsman spider (very common in country Australia) rolled forward with it and from there up my arm and into my hair. I proceeded to do the "spider-dance" at which time things started to go very wrong... Huntsman Spiders are hairy and can grow up to about the size of a drink coaster (leg span that is)- although they rarely bite, they are still scary. Another time, whilst trying to leave the very same toilet, I found a snake lying on the concrete in the sun. I yelled for my mum who came out and chased it away with a mattock. Possums jumping onto the roof at night were also a bit scary. When I was 12 we got an inside loo which made me very happy. |
|
08 Aug 02 - 01:07 AM (#761694) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Kaleea Way back above, on apparently thought the only thing worse than a cold potty seat would be a warm one. I submit that worse than that would be a wet one. My mother, having been born on a small farm in some midwestern hills to a poor, Irish family ("We may be poor, but we're not shanty Irish!!" quoth Granny), took me back to the farm regularly for visits. I hated to go "out the back way" and necessity would make it happen to my chagrin. What I hated more than the cold biting my backside was the constant creepy crawly critters ever present. "The ants go marching" had to be about the outhouse, I always knew. And what's up with the foo-foo guys using toilet ROLLS?!? A real man used the long lost Catalogue of Sears & Robuck & Co. |
|
08 Aug 02 - 02:36 AM (#761725) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Blackcatter Over the Top. Why are so many paper dispensers so low to the ground? Why am I always bending over and reaching 3 feet away to get the paper? Anyone ever do the old trick of putting plastic wrap on the bowl? I've never heard the term "bog roll" A friend of mine makes a device known as a "Down-Boy" It is a sensor attached to the bottom side of the seat with a time delay of 2 minutes. At the end of 2 min. of being in a vertical position it beeps to remind the man that he should put the seat back down. He sels them for $5 and has sold around 10,000 of them. Scary story - several years ago I was on a 9-ball pool team. We had a nice "home" pool hall in downtown Orlando, but every other week we traveled to a different bar. One week we were at a pretty rough place and I went into the WC to pee. There was a toilet and a urinal. I used the urinal and the toilet was occupied. While I was in there, another man came in and looked at the occupied recepticles, shruged his shoulders, and started to pee in the sink. When I finished, I wasn't sure if I should wash my hands...
|
|
08 Aug 02 - 05:18 AM (#761766) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Chip2447 Okay, you wild and wacky pranksters, I present one recipe for toilet humour; One bottle of generic blue food coloring... One small coin in your favorite denomination... One run of the mill folk festival/ren fest/outdoor event porta potty. Enter the box... Apply food coloring liberally to one arm, shoulder, and coin... Bang around for a few minutes, cursing, muttering, bellowing, and add a few EWWWWWWWS, YUCKS, and OUCHES thrown in for flavor. When you've gathered a curious crowd, emerge from the loo coin held high in triumph. A proud exclamation tossed in right here goes a long way..."FINALLY GOT YOU BACK YOU BASTARD...HAH!!!" You'll be amazed how quickly word of your deed travels the event grounds. The few times that I've (ahem) seen this done is usually well worth the effort. Chip2447(who has pulled the plastic wrap twixt the bowl and the seat trick. Wonders why he's single and women dont have a sense of humour) DEFECATE, OR EVACUATE THE FECAL COLLECTION RECEPTICLE |
|
08 Aug 02 - 09:08 AM (#761835) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: NH Dave While the song about the painter blowing yo his loo due to over use of cleaning fluid by his wife, may be urban legend by now, there was one case reported in the USAF Safety News back in the mid 70's, of a similar nature, and supposed to be true. Of course with no Internet, urban legends were much harder to debunk, Seems his wife was in the habit of clearing the spray nozzle of her can of hair spray by inverting it and spraying it into the loo. Hubby followed her into the bathroom, lit a cigarette, tossed the match into the loo, and the rest is history. Dave, who used to be a Safety Technician for the USAF. |
|
08 Aug 02 - 10:22 AM (#761879) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Charley Noble Blackcatter's story reminded me of one my father used to tell about the old bachlor who finally got married after living alone for years and years. When he next checked in at his favorite tavern, the boys had to ask him how he liked married life. Well, he was looking pretty stressed and replied, "My wife's a terrible housekeeper. Every time I piss in the sink it's full of dirty dishes." Cheerily, Charley Noble |
|
09 Aug 02 - 12:26 AM (#762316) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Joe_F ObSongs: Look up "They're Moving Father's Grave to Build a Sewer" in the database. There is also a long poem about Sonia Snell, who sat on a recently varnished seat & had to be taken to the hospital with it attached to her; but I haven't time to write it out here. However, the following can be sung: There was once a young man named MacBride, Who tumbled down one hole and died. MacBride had a brother, Who fell in the other, And now they're *interred* side by side. |
|
09 Aug 02 - 12:33 AM (#762320) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Bert Oh you're so right Blckcatter ...Why are so many paper dispensers so low to the ground?... But maybe that question would be better answered on the thread about back pain! |
|
09 Aug 02 - 02:09 AM (#762370) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Blackcatter And those giant dispensers in public restrooms - they're always seemingly installed so you have to be a contortionist to reach the paper if it's up inside to contraption. Why don't they put them up so that the bottom of them is at, say, chest level? |
|
09 Aug 02 - 08:42 AM (#762543) Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Charley Noble Our outhouse back on the farm in Maine was a 3-holer: small, medium and large. There were plastered walls with a mural of a sailor dancing a hornpipe on one and a lascivious "yellar gal" dancing a fandango on another. This was an inspiring space to occupy as a growing child, until the pine tree blew down on the roof during a hurricane in the 1950's and radically altered the angle of declination...Things never were quite the same there after. :~(, Charley Noble |