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07 Feb 01 - 11:59 PM (#392849) Subject: Only the Good... From: Steve Latimer So I found out tonight that a guy I know died last night. 43 years old, father of two, non-smoker, casual drinker, from a salt of the earth family. I've known this guy since I was 13 years old, his father gave me my first part time job that year. I played hockey with him when I was a kid and later as an adult, lost touch when I moved away from Toronto until I found my eight year old son playing with his eight year old son last season. His dad came out to just about every game last year, remembered me and my dad from all those years ago. He turned 81 the week before his son died and is still paying hockey and softball. I really don't know what I'm saying here, other than he is the first guy to go from my generation that I've known at all, and if I were God or the devil I'd have picked many people I know before him. Sorry, a bit of a disconjointed rant. I've had a few drinks thanking God it wasn't me, missing my firend and feeling for his 9 year old son, his widow, his daughter and his parents.
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08 Feb 01 - 12:06 AM (#392858) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: katlaughing Oh, Steve, I am so sorry to hear that. This is a good place to let the rambling sorrow come through. You'll receive nothing but the best of love and care each one of us holds in our hearts. May time and memories sustain you and his family through this tough time. I'll be sending you some good thoughts and support. kat |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:13 AM (#392863) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Sorcha Oh, Steve, I am so sorry, my heart is on the ground for you. I have been there, lost friends and family my own age, and it is hard, so hard.
What is getting harder and harder for me is to realize that I am now approaching my own mortality......and there is so much I want to do that I haven't done.... Cry a little, scream a little, go out side somewhere that you can be alone, and really let it out.......if you don't, it will fester. |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:13 AM (#392864) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Steve Latimer Kat, Thanks, I've never felt this way before. I've lost relatives who were either quite old or smoked dead end cigarettes their whole life and I could deal with their dying. I'm having a tough time with this one though. Thanks for your thoughts. I'm going to bed. Steve |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:16 AM (#392865) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Steve Latimer Sorcha, I missed your post before I replied to Kat's. Thank you. I've always been taught to be Irish/Scottish Stoic and have sometimes found the Mudcat support posts a little sappy, but I guess I'm learning differently now. Steve
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08 Feb 01 - 12:24 AM (#392868) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Steve Latimer Oh yeah Sorcha, I'm in a pretty new relationship, 10 months with a wonderful woman. She wanted to stay up with me a few hours ago. I felt a need to be by myself. I hope she understood, but I wasn't ready to share my thoughts because I hadn't come close to formulating them yet. I hope she unederstands my aloofness. |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:29 AM (#392871) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: catspaw49 I'm sorry Steve. Very tough and a feeling that will sadly become more familiar. Perhaps it is the generational thing......it hit me very hard too. I've lost several now and two of them were my closest friends. Its no consolation, but I know how you feel. Remember though that friends cannot leave holes in your heart, only fill them with the best of memories. Its what our hearts are made of.....those thoughts of friends and warm memories. Take a little of your time in the future for his family.....it helps all of you. Spaw |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:32 AM (#392873) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Sorcha Steve, go to bed. Try to sleep. If you absolutely can't sleep, clean the stove. At least it's productive, and quiet. You can take your anger out with a scrubbie. Have done that, lotsa times. |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:36 AM (#392877) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Steve Latimer 'Spaw, Good to hear from you. I know it will become more familiar, I thought I'd been mentally prepared for this sort of thing for ages. When it actually takes place though, you realize you're not even close to being ready. I'm going to bed. Thanks to all. Steve |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:48 AM (#392887) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: catspaw49 I don't know what it takes to "be prepared." I knew the day would come as you did Steve, but when it arrived, I was in the same shape you are. As others came, it did not become any easier, just more familiar. The two who were my closest friends were just incredibly tough and in the one case, I knew for almost 5 years that the day was coming. Get some rest my friend and over time you'll begin to assimilate his passing and loss. I am serious about spending some of your time with his family. It will be a help to all of you. You are in my thoughts and you have my best. Spaw |
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08 Feb 01 - 01:00 AM (#392894) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Ebbie Steve, I am so sorry. A friend of mine wrote a song that has this verse:
"In my heart there is a hollow space Ebbie |
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08 Feb 01 - 01:02 AM (#392895) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: CarolC I'm sorry for your loss, Steve. I wish I had more words to offer that would be of some help. Carol |
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08 Feb 01 - 01:32 AM (#392907) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Metchosin They are only sappy when your not in the middle of them Steve, but when you're in pain they help. They have helped me just to know someone would take the time to acknowledge that I hurt.
My thoughts are with you. I know you hurt. I too am sorry for your loss. Susan |
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08 Feb 01 - 02:03 AM (#392917) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: wdyat12 Steve, You have been dealt a great loss right now like most people here at one time or another in our lives. It's never pretty, but it's real. It's never the end, It's always a beginning. wdyat12 |
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08 Feb 01 - 02:10 AM (#392919) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: wdyat12 So, Go and tell your soulmate, your lover, your friend, what you are feeling. I hope we have helped you to formulate the means to do this. wdyat12 |
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08 Feb 01 - 02:59 AM (#392928) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: KT Steve, I'm so sorry....May it help in some small way to know that many hearts are reaching out to you and his family. Take good care.......KT
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08 Feb 01 - 06:24 AM (#392992) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler I remember when I read in the professional press of the death of one of my college roommates, also in his 40's. As you say, it pulls you up short. Since then, a few more contemporaries have gone and I check the obituary column before the sits vacant now. So many who are still alive seem to have taken early retirement I sometimes think I'm the only one still working. It's always sad for the family when children go young. RtS |
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08 Feb 01 - 10:18 AM (#393117) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Steve Latimer Thanks for all your support. I'm going to have a tough time seeing his family at the funeral. He discovered last year that he had a Brain Tumour. Had an operation and Chemo. He seemed to be doing pretty well, but found out a few months later that it was back. Cancer is such a horrible disease. Once again, I thank you all for your support. I'm going to drop this thread and get on with life, the greatest gift we'll ever receive. |
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08 Feb 01 - 11:11 AM (#393155) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: AllisonA(Animaterra) Oh, Steve, I'm sorry. I lost a dear friend to cancer last year, and another friend to an unnamed disease last month. The pain is real and intense, but it will pass. Soon you will be able to reach out to his little boy, and perhaps be a presence in his life. The funeral will be tough, but I'm glad you're planning to go. Grief is exhausting; take care of yourself, go to bed early, read a favorite book, hug your sweetie, and treat yourself tenderly. And know that we care. |
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08 Feb 01 - 11:21 AM (#393165) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: GUEST,Pete Peterson Steve, don't drop the thread; hope you got some good hugs including a cyberhug from me. I'm sorry about your friend. |
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08 Feb 01 - 11:30 AM (#393174) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: SINSULL Steve, My cousin (27), a newlywed in perfect health, didn't wake up a few weeks ago. She was in a coma with a cyst in her brain that her left her brain dead. I am still trying to comprehend it. One day at a time. And try not to shut out the one you love the most. She may need you to share this with her. |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:08 PM (#393217) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: mousethief Steve, love and prayers from a snowy Seattle. May his memory be eternal. Alex |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:27 PM (#393232) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Steve Latimer I was lurking and saw Sinsull's post. I'm very sorry to hear that. It's the comprehension thing though, isn't it. It just makes no sense. I have a friend who is in his eighties, he's an alcoholic, smokes Players Navy Cuts like a chimney, has survived throat cancer, heart attacks (I've twice been called by his wife saying the doctors didn't expect him to survive the night becuse of them, the last time was two years ago). He was an extremely energetic man when I met him over thirty years ago. These things have taken their toll and he can't do any of the things he used to do, has to get his son to come and cut the grass, shovel snow, lift things etc. I know that he doesn't want to live like this anymore and would welcome death. But he's still plugging along drinking and smoking. I can't figure it out. |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:39 PM (#393244) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: GUEST,JulieF Steve - you have my sympathy. We had a family death a couple of weeks ago. I think it upset me because it was my father's younger brother and I never really thought of loosing my parents - although both of Tim's are now dead. I must admit I have been wary in the past of posting to one of these threads - even though I sympaphised deeply because I felt I didn't want to intrude. I think this is the dour, reserved Scot bit. I am practising showing my emotions on line and I am glad you are as well. All these people do care. Julie |
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08 Feb 01 - 12:58 PM (#393268) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Lonesome EJ Steve, my sympathy for your loss. It sounds as though your friend lived his short time fully. I think on these occasions of my friend Ken, a larger than life, humorous and profane character with a fondness for loose women and Boodles gin, who left a year ago at the age of 45. And Peggy, my best friend's beautiful and intelligent wife, killed in a car accident back in 72. Shortly before her death, I had taken her for a motorcycle ride and she left her pea-jacket with the embroidered peace symbol in my saddlebag. I still have it, and it hangs in my closet as a remebrance of her, and of that day. They stay with us, these people we have lost. I think on them with a heartache, its true, but also with a smile. |
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08 Feb 01 - 01:37 PM (#393326) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Jim the Bart There is no explanation for why some go on and some get cut short. And there is little consolation when death comes to someone close to us. Philosophizing falls so short at times like these. I am terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. Bart |
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09 Feb 01 - 12:54 PM (#394280) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: LR Mole Preparing to help bear the caasket of a friend, I told my aunt about it. "Saddest one you'll ever go to," she said.That whole day the sentence wouldn't leave my head: "You're gonna make me lonesome, when you go." Hang in there: one foot, other foot. |
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09 Feb 01 - 12:55 PM (#394283) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: GUEST,kendall I too am sorry for your loss. The older we get, the more often this happens.I cant speak for anyone but me. but, I firmly believe that everyone who comes into our life does so for a reason...to learn or to teach. When their job is done, they move on. This physical plane is a drop in the bucket compared to eternity, and, I'm as sure as I can be that we will meet again on the other side of the veil. |
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09 Feb 01 - 03:26 PM (#394383) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Jon Freeman I'm sorry Steve. I don't know what your beliefs are and I don't like ramming the bible down people's throats but Isiah 57 1-2 may be of some consolation to you at the moment: 1 The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. 2 Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death. Jon |
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09 Feb 01 - 03:32 PM (#394392) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Kim C Oh Steve, when my dad died last summer I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear for an indeterminate amount of time. I so rarely have the luxury to just be alone and I really needed it then. Ever since I have felt the need to be alone more often and sometimes it is hard to make people understand that. But sometimes you have to go ahead and take care of yourself - everyone else will come around later. Two years ago the wife of a school-days friend was tragically killed in an auto accident. She was 4 months pregnant with a baby they didn't think they could have. Kathy was only in her early 30s and was truly a ray of sunshine. And I had the same thoughts as you - of all the people, why on earth Kathy, who meant so much to so many? There are things we can never understand. I am sorry for you and your friend's family. And you too, Sinsull. |
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09 Feb 01 - 03:41 PM (#394408) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Steve Latimer LR Mole, I had a Dylan line help me through the most difficult time of my life a few years ago. "The only thing I knew how to do was to keep on keepin' on" it almost became my Mantra. Kendall, John, Kim, thanks.
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09 Feb 01 - 04:34 PM (#394462) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Sorcha Re reading this one, here. I lost my Mom, as some of you know, in Sept. 98. I had to move in with her the last 6 mos of her life, and "Things" were so horrible until she died that I could not remember her without anger.
Then, I had to be the Exeutrix (read Bad Guy for over a year until all was settled. Mom had done very, very well getting her affairs in order, so this time it was anger with the sister and Bro in Law, because they were determined that I had exercised "undue influence" to get everything divided equally 3 ways. (???)
I never really had a chance to grieve and remember- - anger and DoStuff took up too much of my time. It is only now, 2 1/2 years later, that I am beginning to be able to miss my Mom, and cry for what I have lost. For 2 years I drove past "her" house every day.
I wouldn't look at it, just said, Fuggit. Now, I can't drive by the house without a lump in my throat.
Upshot--this thread, and the things people have said in it to you, Steve, has helped me too. I am learning to find my mother and all that she was again, instead of the sick, cranky, angry woman that she was in the last few months of her life. Thank you all. |
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09 Feb 01 - 05:06 PM (#394489) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Kim C Sorch, why do you reckon it is that people get snippy when there's a death in the family? We just went through that with my stepsisters from my dad's SECOND marriage, who didn't have any rights to anything but the house, and they fairly ran my dad's 3rd wife out of it, even though he had made provisions for her to live there as long as she wanted. I feel like this was disrespectful to my father, who had taken care of Their Mother as she lay dying of cancer many years ago. This is another thing I will never understand... |
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09 Feb 01 - 06:39 PM (#394578) Subject: RE: BS: Only the Good... From: Dave Wynn Life hurts Steve....Celebrate their living then mourn their death. Easy to say say I know but when you meet your friends greet them and treat them as if it could be the last time. Spot (who has known sadness) the Dog.
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