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01 Apr 01 - 01:20 PM (#430616) Subject: Lancashire Jokes From: Roughyed Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Does anybody know any Lancashire jokes. I'm doing a Lancashire night at the end of April and have lots of songs but not much in the way of chat between them. As they say, Lancashire folk don't mind anyone laughing at them as long as we're earnin more brass than them. Come to think of it, Yorkshire jokes will do just as well. Ta |
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01 Apr 01 - 02:47 PM (#430669) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Bernard Lanky dialect can be fun - Eeh! Ah've bin up sin' crack o'sparrer fart - meaning 'I got up very early'... What's a Wigan kebab? 4 Meat pies on a brush steel... (A brush steel is local dialect for broom handle...) Missus! Tha' dog's spoilt! How dare you, sir! No, it's spoilt - I ran over it wi' mi' truck... ...more where they came from!! |
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01 Apr 01 - 06:37 PM (#430830) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Scuttlebutt The chap from Darwen who had to go to London by train Got to Preston station and the gave the girl a £50 note -her laconic response was "change at Crewe" the guy from Darwen replied he wanted his change right then. When he got to London he was approached by a young lady who offered to sleep with him for £200 - he replied that he was not tired but could do with the money ! Keep Lancashire tidy - drop your litter in Yorkshire To be fair there are many good things to come out of Yorkshire - most of them roads into Lancashire - yes I kow they are like me old and corny but it is late at night Jan |
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01 Apr 01 - 07:11 PM (#430846) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Bernard What do you call a pretty girl in Salford (substitute the town you're near, but not in...)? A tourist!! Bloke runs into a Salford pub: 'Anyone got a large black cat with a white collar?' 'No!' 'Bugger! I've run over the Vicar...' Bloke runs into a Salford pub, bleeding profusely: 'Whose is that black Jaguar on the car park?'
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01 Apr 01 - 07:15 PM (#430849) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST,Bruce O. You might try "Robbie and Granny" or "Warrington Fair" on them, in the Scarce Songs 1 file on my website. www.erols.com/olsonw |
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01 Apr 01 - 07:17 PM (#430853) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Tyke I rember when Jane Fonda brought out a new keep fit vidio! During the world launch they booked Wigin Town Hall. It was packed out with 500 Lankashire Ladies all line up on leotards looking like an advetisement for Michelin! Out comes Jane Fonda and say's all right Ladies! Hands on Thieghs! And all the Ladies went like this (place palms of your hands over your EYES! |
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02 Apr 01 - 08:14 AM (#431095) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Mr Red You can always tell a Yorkshireman but you can not tell him much. |
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02 Apr 01 - 08:37 AM (#431114) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Dave the Gnome Jumbo Jet full of passengers in flight when all engines fail. Pilot announces that they have 30 minutes gliding time but as they are mid North Atlantic there is no chance of making land. Furthermore, due to inclement conditions there is little chance of rescue and whoever survives the crash will, like as not, die of hypothermia. Everyone is very calm, fatalistic almost. Some begin to pray quietly, some write letters to loved ones. Others speak in hushed tones of their love for each other when all of a sudden a young lady stands and, with all eyes on her, cries, "I am still a virgin. I don't want to die without ever becoming a woman. Will some one help me, please!" All are embarrased apart from old Albert, a Lancashire miner who after working at Leigh colliery for 40 years has decided to have a good holiday. He stands up and begins to unbotton his shirt. Some look away but some cannot take their eyes of the scene. In his best lancy accect he says "Don't worry thi'sen lass. Ahl make a proper woman out o'thi." Throwing his shirt to the floor in front of her he makes his demands. "Get me shirt iron't quick. Ah've a darts match toneet..." Cheers and hope yer do is reet gradely Dave the Gnome |
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02 Apr 01 - 01:21 PM (#431300) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Mr Red Try telling the one.... The Beatles wrote a song about Wigan pause just long enough to have clear sight of the emergency exit and sing "Wigan work it out"! Enjoy. |
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02 Apr 01 - 01:22 PM (#431303) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Bernard Us Lanky fowk reckon Cheshire is dead posh - they gerrout o't'bath fer't 'ave a pee... they 'ave fruit on t'sideboard when no bugger's ill... they think sex is what we put our coal in... |
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02 Apr 01 - 02:03 PM (#431340) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Long Firm Freddie Kid carries basket into the vet's and says "Hey Mister, me cat's sick"
Vet says "Is it a tom?"
Kid says "Nay, I've browt it wimme..." LFF |
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02 Apr 01 - 05:02 PM (#431470) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Bernard Kid carries basket into the vet's and says "Hey Mister, me cat's sick" Vet says "Say aaaah!" Kid asks "Why?" Vet says "It's dead!" |
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02 Apr 01 - 05:08 PM (#431479) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Bernard (from upstairs) - 'Mam! Maaaaa-am!' What's up, ewr Johnny? 'Ewr Billy's tekin' all t' overcoat fer 'imsel' (The Vicar has come to tea, Mam is embarrassed, and tries to gloss over things. She doesn't want the Vicar knowing she can't afford decent bedding...) Silly lad! It's called an 'eiderdown', not an overcoat! (Time passes) (from upstairs) - 'Mam! Maaaaa-am!' What's up now, ewr Johnny? 'Ewr Billy's pull't'sleeve off our eiderdown!' |
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02 Apr 01 - 05:12 PM (#431485) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST Try 'Journal of the Lancashire Dialect Society' for older ones. |
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02 Apr 01 - 05:16 PM (#431491) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST,#1 Sorry, that last was me. It's that Altzheimer's. |
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02 Apr 01 - 08:09 PM (#431593) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: bill\sables Whst's the diference between a Manchester girl and a shopping trolly. A shopping trolly has a mind of it's own. |
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02 Apr 01 - 09:15 PM (#431648) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Tone d' F That last one sounded like an adapted blond joke to me Jokes about Lancashire mmmm... Lancashire Best thing about Lancashire is leaving on the M62 |
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03 Apr 01 - 08:17 AM (#431899) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Mr Red I heard the trolly one as an Essex joke but that's the folk process. |
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03 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM (#432214) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST,#1 I'ze Yorkshire, too. But that one's so ancient that everybody should know it by now. |
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03 Apr 01 - 01:47 PM (#432221) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Bernard Two blokes go into t'pub. Pint o'bitter, and a half o'shandy for my mate 'Donkey', please! 'Ere - what's with him calling you 'Donkey'? Oh, 'e aw, 'e aw, 'e allus calls me that! |
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03 Apr 01 - 03:46 PM (#432343) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST,wilbor |
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03 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM (#432349) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST,#1 FLASH! Chesire cat just got wilbor's tongue. |
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03 Apr 01 - 03:55 PM (#432352) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST,wilbor during the war of the roses in a village near the border the villagers hear the cry "one yorkshire man`s stronger than one hundred lancashire men. so they run towards the source but none return. so the next day further along the border the same thing happens and still noboby returns.the next day the same ,but before the men of the new village run towards the source they are stopped by a lone surviver and he says "stop dont go It`s a trap theres two of them". |
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04 Apr 01 - 02:54 AM (#432797) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Terry K ..... just for clarification, the Wars of the Roses were fought between the Yorkists and the Lancashites. Cheers, Terry |
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04 Apr 01 - 07:29 AM (#432872) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: okthen it still is, Terry K, it still is. cheers bill |
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04 Apr 01 - 07:57 AM (#432883) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST,Mr Red at the Library better take a Bacup file of this. ho ho. |
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04 Apr 01 - 12:06 PM (#433044) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST,#1 My favorite from the War of the Roses: Rose is red,
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04 Apr 01 - 12:23 PM (#433054) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: John J How come you've got more jokes than anyone else Bernard?! JJ PS CU at the John Kirkpatrick concert on Thursday night? |
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04 Apr 01 - 12:49 PM (#433081) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST,johnl Man walks into a butcher's shop on the Yorkshire side of the border. "I'd like a pig's head please" The butcher calls in to the back "One pig's head, Fred!" Then the customer says "Make that a Lancs pig's head" "Take the brains out, Fred!" |
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04 Apr 01 - 01:26 PM (#433111) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Bernard Lanky mon sez to his mate: 'I know where we can each get a pie, a pint and a woman for a fiver!' His mate replies: 'Whose pies are they?' |
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09 May 18 - 12:25 PM (#3923157) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: GUEST How was copper wire invented? Someone put a penny on the border between yorkshire and scotaland |
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09 May 18 - 04:32 PM (#3923214) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Will Fly Two Lancashire blokes meet. Bert: "Doin' much, Fred?" Fred: "Nowt, but it's steady". |
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10 May 18 - 05:13 AM (#3923351) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: banjoman A Yorkshire man is a Scotsman with the generosity squeezed out |
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10 May 18 - 05:21 AM (#3923352) Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes From: Dave the Gnome Oldham Tinkers joke. We call our dog 'Grieg'. All he can do is pee agin't suite. |