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Puns: Give us your worst/best

25 Apr 01 - 07:17 AM (#448828)
Subject: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Big Mick

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

Let's have some fun. Mudcat wit is legendary, post your best (or worst, depending on point of view) pun/play on words here. I will start with this one.


Once upon a time there was a guy called Stan Roberts.

Stan had done very well for himself. He had a great job that paid well enough for him to live in a fantastic six bedroom house and to cap it all he had a girlfriend called Lorraine Butt who was very beautiful and he liked her a lot.

One day when out for an evening with friends he met a another girl. Her name was Claire Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Claire while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just didn't know what to do. Eventually he summons up the courage and takes her for a walk along the river bank. They are just starting out when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. He dived in after her but the current rapidly carried her off and she drowned despite his efforts to save her.

The guy got out stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.......


....................."I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"

25 Apr 01 - 07:30 AM (#448833)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Crazy Eddie

One particular butcher was so successful, he wound up owning large numbers of slaughter-houses, and had lots of money. To gave his two sons a good start in life he bought them a cattleranch. The boys couldn't agree on a name for the ranch, so the agreed to ask their father to name it. The father thought for a minute, then declared "It's obvious, there's only one name that fits. It must be called the Focus Ranch .
Why was this the obvious name?

25 Apr 01 - 07:31 AM (#448834)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: kendall

A man was in a serious accident in Australia. He was taken to Mercy Hospital, and, had to undergo a long healing process. Every day the nurse would come to his room with a vile mixture which he had to drink. One day, he asked what that stuff was made with, and the nurse told him it was ground up Koala bear, made into a tea. He asked if they could at least strain the hair out of it, and she said, "Oh no sir, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

25 Apr 01 - 07:38 AM (#448836)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49

Those really suck guys!!! GREAT JOB!!!!! As for me, well..........Awhile back we were running a thread discussing the Tallahatchee Bridge and the story of Billie Joe and all of that. I posted this one and it suckered in a lot of folks. These are always better if you pull them off in context.......Anyway, here ya' go.

The story of Billie Joe is based in truth but stylized to some degree. It is an old story, dating back to the the late 40's when the only daughter of John Hatch, a Mississippi Klansman of some note, was in love with the first black attorney in the state. Jubilee Simmons was the grandson of slaves and had gone to school at the University of Chicago and returned to his family's home state, taking up residence in Carroll county in 1948.

John Hatch's daughter was known to be a bit wild and young Kelli had already incurred her father's wrath on numerous occasions. Kelli was living with two other 22 year old women in the small town of Campton, Mississippi when she met and began dating Simmons. Her father learned of it a few weeks later and came into town drunk with some Klan buddies to hunt down and kill Simmons. Simmons law offices were in the county courthouse and from an open window he could hear the drunken invectives hurled his way from across the square. He slipped out a back door of the courthouse and went to Kelli's house to take her away and save them both from the murderous rancor of her father and his "brethren."

Not finding Jubilee in his office the Klansmen split up to search for him and John Hatch went to his daughter's, presumably to beat her or possibly worse. He arrived before the pair had left and headed in the back porch door adjoining the kitchen. Seeing him coming, Simmons grabbed a kitchen knife and jumped atop the counter and then onto the top of the refrigerator that stood by the door. As John Hatch passed, he didn't notice Simmons who then jumped him safely from behind and in the ensuing struggle, Hatch was stabbed with the knife. The lovers bagged his body and threw it off a bridge on their way out of town. They were on their way to Chicago when they were arrested in Clarksville, Tennessee and returned for trial in Mississippi. Jubilee represented both and thanks to the testimony of one of the roommates and Mrs. Hatch who had suffered abuse for years at the hands of her husband, both were acquitted and moved to Chicago where he established a moderately successful practice on the south side.

The original song told the story as it was, but owing to legal considerations, the Gentry version was done instead. The original was titled, "The Day that Jubilee the Barrister Jumped Off of Kelli Hatch's Fridge."


25 Apr 01 - 07:41 AM (#448839)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Les from Hull

An Inuit, fed up of hunting seals in the long cold winter bought a paraffin (kerosene) stove. Unfortunately a big wave upset it and he was very badly burned. Ah well, you can't have your kayak and heat it.

25 Apr 01 - 07:50 AM (#448845)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dave the Gnome

This was told by my woodwork teacher in 1968 so bear in mind some of the terms may not be politicaly correct. Please be aware that no offense is intended!

An American Indian Chief had 3 wives. The first he held in high regard and so he sat her on a hide made of Buffalo. The second he also held in high esteem and sat her on the skin of a mountain lion. The third, and youngest, he loved dearly and had a hippopotomus hide specialy imported for her.

The years passed and his three wives bore him a fine son each. The two elder wives however became bitter and jelous of the younger. When their boys were old enough they told them to go and murder the child of the youngest.

One dark night they crept from their tents to commit the foul deed but the son of the youngest wife woke and fought of his two half brothers bravely and so survived. Just proving that...

The son of the squaw on the hippopotomus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.


Dave the Gnome

25 Apr 01 - 08:05 AM (#448854)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Frug

Mahatma Ghandi spent years wandering round in no shoes and as a result ended up with feet in poor condition. His frugal vegetarian diet meant that he was very lean of frame and gave him bad breath but nothing could detract from his razor sharp mind and powerful presence. He could easily be described as the SUPER CALLOUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC PLAGUED WITH HALITOSIS

25 Apr 01 - 08:08 AM (#448860)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Troll

Benny was married to a witch and he was one of those people who could never seem to complete a project. One day he came down to breakfast and it was apparent that he had not shaved.
"What's this?"< said his wife.
"I'm growing abeard", said Benny.
"Right!" said his wife, I'm tired of you starting things that you never finish. You grow that beard out, full and luxriant, or I'll turn you into a vase to put flowers in."
"Yes , dear." said Benny.
After about a week, the beard looked horrible and it itched and one morning Benny came down to breakfast calen-shaven.
"I warned you!" cried his wife, and ZZZZZAP!, she turned him into a vase of roses.
The moral of the story is (drum roll please),

A benny shaved is a Benny urned.


25 Apr 01 - 08:44 AM (#448892)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49

Technically, these are shaggy dogs, but what the hell..........

Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys, also became an avid golfer, but his friends objected to him playing in cowboy boots. Roy also felt that some real spikes would help stabilize his swing and as he was a pretty fair long ball hitter, he went out and bought a new pair of Etonics which he took home and began "working over." Roy new a lot about leather of course and was treating the new shoes the same as he would Trigger's tack. When he was finished he put them out on the back porch for the night.

In the morning, Roy found the back porch completely trashed and his new golfing footwear in shreds as though they had been chewed by some animal. He and Dale knew immediately that this was the work of a rogue mountain lion that had been causing trouble for several weeks around the Double R Bar Ranch. A group of his friends gathered and after viewing the damage, set out to trap the cougar and move it to higher country.

Several hours into the search they had met with limited results. Suddenly they heard a low grumbling, growling sound. The search party stopped in their tracks and Roy told them to be very still and not say a word. One of the men saw movement and then the form of the mountain lion emerge just across the ravine from where they stood. He reached over and tapped Roy on the shoulder trying to be as quiet as possible, but Roy didn't turn around. Three attempts later, Roy finally turned looking aggravated that someone should disturb their silence. The fella slowly pointed in the direction of the cougar and then asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

I have never been able to think of Chattanooga without thinking of this one. Even worse, when I first heard it, I was LIVING in Chattanooga.


25 Apr 01 - 08:52 AM (#448900)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Crazy Eddie

In case you haven't figured it out:
One particular butcher was so successful, he wound up owning large numbers of slaughter-houses, and had lots of money.
To gave his two sons a good start in life he bought them a cattle ranch. The boys couldn't agree on a name for the ranch, so they agreed to ask their father to name it.
The father thought for a minute, then declared "It's obvious, there's only one name that fits. It must be called the Focus Ranch" .
Why ? Because it's where the Sun's rays meet. ( where the sons raise meat)

25 Apr 01 - 08:54 AM (#448903)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Dita (at Work)

Frug you might like this one, a true story.

last season when Caledonian Thistle, a Scottish football team from a lower division, beat Glasgow Celtic yhe headline in one paper read


25 Apr 01 - 09:08 AM (#448917)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dharmabum

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needles to say,this was an especially important deal,& it was imperitive that he make the best possible impression.
On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas,in large volumes,with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "Honda."
The man was beside himself. Every few minutes,"Honda," "Honda"......
Unable to stop this aberrant behavior,& in desperate need to terminate these odious & rather embarrassing emissions,he sought a physicians aid.
After a full examination,the doctor told him there was nothing inherently wrong with him & that he would just have to wait it out.
Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs,he visited a second & then a third doctor,all of whom told him the same thing.
Finally,one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.
Well,although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help,he visited one anyway.
Lo and behold,the dentist said,"Ah,there's the problem."
"What is it?" the man asked.
"Why you have an abscess"said the dentist.
"An abscess.How could that be causing my problem?"asked the man.
"That's easy,"replied the dentist."Why everyone knows,"......................



25 Apr 01 - 09:08 AM (#448918)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Crazy Eddie

Way back in the Middle ages, on the eve of a great battle, the blues managed to capture a senior office of the reds, one Count de Monay.
He was brought in front of the red's Commander, who said "either you tell us all of the blues plans, or we torture you orribly orribly!"
"You'd never do it" quoth the count. "I am of noble blood, and protected from such nefarious peactices by the code of chivalry"
"Good point" said the Red commander. "However, there is nothing to prevent us from chopping of your head if you don't tell us!"
"I will never betray my comrades" declared the Count heroically.
They put his head on the block, and the axe-man took up position, axe upraised.
"Last chance" said the red's commander.
"OK! I'll tell yo...." "WHOOSH" the axe descended before he could finish.
Furious, the red's commander screamed at the axe-man: "You idiot, how many time do I have to tell you ................................................................................................................

Never hatchet you Count's before they chicken"

25 Apr 01 - 09:09 AM (#448919)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Pseudolus

Two guys are walking down the street and one of the two is a great lover of puns and the other HATED them. The pun-lover claimed he could make his friend laugh at a pun and he started telling some. He told 1,2,3 puns no laugh. He told three more and still nothing. Finally he ended up telling his friend tens puns to make him laugh but he was very disappointed because ,"No pun in ten did".


25 Apr 01 - 09:16 AM (#448924)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49

Frank, you have just told one of Mr.Thieme's favorites.


25 Apr 01 - 09:21 AM (#448928)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Fibula Mattock

A Freudian Slip - when you say one thing and mean a mother.

25 Apr 01 - 09:29 AM (#448933)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Wolfgang

Once Sigmund Freud was listening to a lecture by a nervous young colleague who did not forget to praise the old master during his lecture. After the lecture, Freud went to the young colleague and said: "Many fine and true things have you said about me. But you know when you made me smile? When I've heard you mispronounce my name as 'Sigmund Fraud'. I've been greatly abused by it."


25 Apr 01 - 09:36 AM (#448941)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: John P

A true story:
My wife used to be a newspaper reporter/editor. She once ran a story about a man with no arms who became drunk and violent in a tavern. When the police arrived, he attacked them, flailing at them with stumps of his arms. They were confused about how to subdue him; the handcuffs clearly wouldn't work. She wrote a great headline for the story: Police Are Stumped


25 Apr 01 - 09:45 AM (#448947)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dunkle

About the young man chosen to chief of his African tribe; had to live in a grass hut, too small for bed and his throne at the same time. Devised a system of pulleys, so during the day the throne was down, bed up at the roof, vice versa at night. Big storm one night, throne comes crashing down on his head...tragic ending. There's an important lesson to be learned here! People who live in grass houses, of course, shouldn't stow thrones!

25 Apr 01 - 09:51 AM (#448950)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Frug

Guy decides he wants to get rid of his wife and so advertises in an appropriate journal for a mercenary to do the job. Was he surprised when the man who accepts the job is none other than his old school buddy Arthur whom he hasn't seen for many years. Hearing of the job Art. says that as he's an old pal he'll do the job for a pound and is duly given a picture of the unfortunate lady and also told that on wednesdays she always shops at safeways and she always wears a vivid red coat and scarf. Art hides behind the frozen food on the appointed day and sees a flash of vibrant red and leaping out strangles the woman only to find that it's not the same woman as in the photo. He hides the body in one of the freezer cabinets and prowls the store. Again he sees a woman in red and strangles her too but again he's got it wrong. Hiding this body as well he walks around and there coming towards him dressed in vivid red is the lady in the photo. This time no mistake he strangles her and is in the process of hiding the body when he is spotted, arrested and sent for trial. The day after the trial the newpapers carried the story


25 Apr 01 - 09:53 AM (#448951)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler

scribble, scribble, keep 'em coming....!

25 Apr 01 - 10:01 AM (#448958)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Pinetop Slim

We recently adopted a dog that has extra toes, positioned about where a human's ankles would be.
"You should name her Kodak," my daughter recommended.
"Because she has faux toes."

25 Apr 01 - 10:17 AM (#448975)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler

OK, I weakened...this is the oldest known example of the genre, told by a bard at the court of King Arthur ( or was it King Nevil the Ne'erdowell?).
No time to post it all but you'll get the drift from the punchline:"What?" said Sir Lancelot, indignantly refusing to ride the magy wolfhound, "Send a knight out on a dog like that?

25 Apr 01 - 10:18 AM (#448979)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper

In deepest Siberia, Natasha Grodnick and her husband Rudolph were sitting in their kitchen when Natasha looked out the window and remarked, "It's starting to snow."

Her husband looked out the window and told her, "That's not snow, it's rain!"

She replied, "I hate to argue with you, husband, but it's most definitely snow."

To which he said, "Rudolph the Red knows RAIN, dear!"

- Al

25 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM (#448982)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Mary in Kentucky

Thanks Crazy Eddie for explaining that if somebody can just explain Kendall's... "quality" "strained" ??????

Spaw, same here about the Chattanooga one. And I'm one of the ones who bit hard on your Tallahatchie one the first time around!

Here's mine...

A famous pitcher, Mel Famey, had a bit of a drinking problem. He acually had a beer can in his back pocket when he was on the mound. In an important game he walked the first batter, then the second, then the third. With the bases loaded, the runner on second turned to the second baseman and said, while pointing, "That's the beer that made Mel Famey walk us."

25 Apr 01 - 10:49 AM (#449005)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Wavestar

I know it ruins the joke, but, Spaw, I don't understand your first one. I'm being young, naive and dumb, but could you explain?


25 Apr 01 - 11:02 AM (#449021)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49

Mary, we must have the same sourcs....I was just about to post that one!!

As we all know, Art Thieme is the Chief Pundit around here and I have always enjoyed Art's ability to stick them into a thread or thread them in as the case may be. In my first few months around here I tried to keep up with him, but it's frankly impossible when he gets on a roll. Of course butter is better on a roll and we're talking about Art and not Frank, but ..............

One day we were talking about canaries and trains (don't started out as something else but Art got us on to canaries) and somehow Art managed to work in the following post and even change to pigeons in the process:

Subject: RE: Wreck of the Old 97
From: Art Thieme
Date: 29-Dec-98 - 10:57 AM

Catspaw, (as opposed to Cat's Maw---I used to think a pap test was to figure out who the father was)

As I mentioned here once somewhere else, on the Misssissippi River, barges ("We don't need no stinkin' barges!!") were often filled with live pigeons. When the tow (term for several barges pushed by a towboat) went aground, a guy would crack his bullwhip & get the birds to flyin'--- that lightened the load enough to get 'em floatin' on their way. These were famous from Lake Itasca in Minnesota all the way to the dead zone below New Orleans as PIGEON TOWS.Sometimes hammers were transported that way too---hammer tows. Even tic-tac candy...

My 500 pound uncle once dropped a safe he was moving & broke his foot. We had to call a toe truck to get him to the hospital!


I tried some lame one about transporting free corn chips (Fritos), but it's really kinda' hopeless when Art gets going.


With Admiration,


25 Apr 01 - 11:05 AM (#449023)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Matt_R

Jess...ever hear "Ode to Billy Joe"?

25 Apr 01 - 11:13 AM (#449031)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Midchuck

I'm not sure but what I've told this on here before, but my son came up with it spontaneously as we were driving in Utah once, and I was filled with paternal pride, so...

As you all know, the LDS church requires all its young men to do a term of missionary work before they marry and settle down. We've all seen these clean-cut young guys in suits wandering around in pairs or trios.

But recently, the church as been experimenting with letting some men stay at home and due their missionary duties over the internet. They stay up late at night and send out multiple messages and newsgroup posts attempting to convert people to Mormonism.

This is known within the Church as a nocturnal e-mission.


25 Apr 01 - 11:22 AM (#449037)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49

Hi Wave..........Sorry, as Matt said, it's based on "Ode to Billie Joe" a song by Bobbie Gentry about 1967, the main theme line being, "The day that Billie Joe McCalister jumped off the Tallahatchie bridge." It was a sort of mystery as to what Billie Joe and some mystery person threw off the bridge prior to Billie Joe's leap.


25 Apr 01 - 11:37 AM (#449049)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dharmabum

Had a dog once that had no legs>
Named him "cigarette"
Used to have to take him out once a day for a "drag".

25 Apr 01 - 11:43 AM (#449055)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Matt_R

Dutch pyromaniacs are ofter referred to as a "Flaming Jan".

25 Apr 01 - 11:50 AM (#449069)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dave the Gnome

We called our dog Grieg. All he could do were pee agin't suite.... (Must be said in a Lancashire accent:)


25 Apr 01 - 11:58 AM (#449076)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bill D

well, technically most of these are a marriage between puns and shaggy dog stories made famous by Grendel Briarton in a sci-fi magazine years ago, featuring the time-traveling space dective Ferdinand Feghoot.

(yes, there were earlier ones...notably the African King series...("People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones"....etc...)

here is a Feghoot:

It was because of Ferdinand Feghoot that the great composer Richard Wagner found himself under arrest on the planet Madama Butterfry in the year 5735. Feghoot had told him of the planet whose inhabitants claimed that every opera theme had been stolen from them. "Vhat!" cried Wagner. "Only Teutonic ideas are good for grand opera! Vhere is this planet? Come, ve take your space-time machine. I vill show you!"

Upon their arrival, they went through customs, where they were ordered to declare any arias, operas, etc. Wagner sneeringly gave them a list. Immediately he was arrested and charged with grand theft. "This is an outrage! Vhat themes could I possibly have stolen from you?" demanded Wagner, and the officer offered to give them a tour.

First, they came upon a vendor camped beneath a tree. His sign announced, "Root Bottom Stanley! Best deals in the galaxy! Absolutely no being in the universe undersells me! Garfinkels, $2 each." Nearby was a modest stand manned by a mole-like person. His sign said simply, "Garfinkels, 6 for a dollar."

"Vhat does this have to do with me?" said Wagner. Ferdinand Feghoot replied, "Tree Stan Undersold."

Next, they moved on to a storage shed filled with jars of fruits, preserves, and so on. A thin rubbery organism grasped the opening of one jar, crying out in a thin plaintive voice, "Please, can't I have some jam? Please, just a taste? Oh, how I long for it!"

"Doubtless," said Feghoot before anyone could speak, "This is the Nibble-Longing Lid."

Finally, the travelers were taken to a dock where a frog-like creature sat trapping shellfish. His topknot glowed fitfully, barely visible in the evening twilight. Mournfully, he kept to his task.

Wagner flew into a rage. "Vhat rubbish! Vhat could this possibly have to do with me!"

"Dim Oyster Sinker," said Ferdinand Feghoot.

25 Apr 01 - 11:58 AM (#449077)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,an is guy

a few years back, the book Clan of the Cave Bear was very popular
what people don't realize is that there is an historical basis for this book

long long ago in the kingdom of wu, there was a demibear who was the godling of this kingdom
any who wished to serve as a knight in this place was sent to the bear for his testing

the knight was to face the bear, unflinching as the bear struck a single blow
the blow was of such cunningness that any movement on the part of the knight proved fatal

of course many tried, and most failed the test, the bear being of horrible mien

there was a consolation prize...
to the family of the failed knight, the bear sent one of his prize pekinese the day after the test...

which goes to show...
on the day after a horrible knight, nothing's better than the dog of the bear that hit him

25 Apr 01 - 12:00 PM (#449080)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Mike Byers

A fellow bought a grand old house in Savannah, Georgia and decided to restore it to what it had been in the 1800s. He contacted the local historical society to insure that whatever work was done would be correct for the historical period and, during their survery, one of the historians pointed out that the lane behind the house was a true rarity. "You see," the historian said, "Savannah is built on swampy ground and in the 1800s the only way they could stabilize the soil was to get a crew to beat it with sledge hammers until it was as hard as concrete. You've got a real piece of history here, so make sure this isn't damaged." The man, excited about this find, called his builder over to take a look and told him about the historian's discovery. "I'm afraid they're entirely wrong," said the builder. All they really did back then was just mix some nut shells with the dirt. It's no big deal; you can find these all over Savannah." "Good grief," the man said, "you mean my hammered alley is really cashew's clay?"

25 Apr 01 - 12:07 PM (#449085)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: kendall

Mary, it is from Shakespere.."The quality of mercy is not strained, it falleth like the gentle rain from heaven".. I dont remember the rest of it.

25 Apr 01 - 12:12 PM (#449091)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bill D

side note...the 'early' shaggy dog stories were notable in that the punch line had no serious point, and simply were designed to make the audience groan that they had listened, whereas one with a pun/word play at least makes you giggle or groan AT the atrocious pun. I'm not sure that there is a standard 'name' for these medium length stories with punny endings, but in sci-fi circles it is "Feghoots".

25 Apr 01 - 12:15 PM (#449098)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Grab

A man takes his dog to the vet, because the dog has been feeling poorly of late. In the surgery the vet examines the dog, taking temperature, feeling the dogs abdomen and smelling his breath. The vet steps back and shakes his head ruefully.

"I'm sorry" he says "Your dog has kidney failure. He has two days left to live."

The man is appalled at this terrible diagnosis, and demands a second opinion. "Well, okay" says the vet, and picks up the phone. He mutters into the receiver for a few seconds and then puts the phone down. A minute later a cat comes into the surgery.

The cat looks the dog over for a short while, and then turns the vet and says "Kidney failure?"

"That's what I thought" says the vet.

"Yep. I'd say he has two days, maybe three." and the cat walks out.

The man reacts angrily to this. "What the hell was that? I'm not taking a cat's opinion. Get someone else."

The vet replies "Okay" and picks up the telephone again. After a short conversation, and a little wait, a Labrador walks into the surgery. The Labrador examines the other dog briefly and then announces "Kidney failure, by the look of it. Not much more than two days left in the old boy."

"I concur" says the vet and the Labrador leaves the room.

The man has had enough and decides to leave "Right. I'm leaving."

"That will be 450 dollars" says the vet.

"What! That's a fortune! What the hell do you think you're playing at!"

"Well if it had just been me" says the vet "it wouldn't be that much, but after the cat scan and the lab report..."


25 Apr 01 - 12:16 PM (#449099)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Grab

A German guy approaches a prostitute, "I vish to buy sex vit you".

"OK", says the girl, "I charge 50 an hour".

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".

"No problem" she replies, cautiously, "I can do a "little kinky".

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck call.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees".

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you".

She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck call. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:

"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"

"Ah" says the German "Four-sprung duck technique".


25 Apr 01 - 12:21 PM (#449106)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Fibula Mattock

What about when Lief Ericsson, the Viking who sailed to America, came home after his travels? He went to vote in a general election, but found that they didn't have any record of him. He complained to the government official, telling him that he was a famous explorer and just because he was off travelling didn't mean he no longer existed. "Sorry," said the official. "I must have taken Lief off my census".

25 Apr 01 - 12:22 PM (#449108)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Matt_R

There was a world-class Chess championship being held at a hotel in Chicago. On the night before the competition started, the hotel lobby held a reception for the players, spectators, and chess enthusiasts from the area. Well, being such a world-class event, many many people showed up for the reception (and the delicious buffet!)

The only people who weren't pleased were the bellhops, baggage handlers, busboys and waiters. A few of them were standing talking behind the front desk, generally complaining about the whole event. In walked a rather exhausted-looking waiter from the lobby.

"Man," he said "Nothing is more annoying than a bunch of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

25 Apr 01 - 01:31 PM (#449159)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Long Firm Freddie

The Laird of the Manor was presiding over the annual fish eating competition. His son, Fyfe, was last year's champion, but the villagers had high hopes that the blacksmith's son, Steven, would gain the day.

As was traditional, a draw was made the week before to see what sort of fish would be eaten. Fyfe had hoped that it would be trout, as that was the chosen fish the previous year when he had won. However, it was not to be, as the Laird drew a piece of paper from his tweed hat and read it out: Tench.

And so the day of the contest arrived. The two men sat down at opposite ends of a long trestle table, tubs of tench in front of them, the crowd held back by the Laird's gamekeeper and his men.

They began to eat; Fyfe raced away, leading by half a fish after only a few minutes. By the time he had reached his eighth, Steven was one behind.

Suddenly, disaster struck! Fyfe was in agony as he bit down on his next fish. His molar came out, and he could eat no more.

Steven, in the few minutes left, overhauled him and won the competition, to the great acclaim of the villagers.

And the headline in the local paper was:



25 Apr 01 - 02:00 PM (#449185)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Naemanson

These are great!

Loss of emotional control and violent oubursts are well documented among postal workers. There is even a phrase, "Going Postal", that describes this phenomenon.

It is a little known fact that there is a similar phenomenon that has been documented among the fishermen here on the coast of Maine. In the summer, when the plastic powerboats and sailboats are cluttering up the bays and harbors the poor fisherman is hard pressed to keep his gear intact. For some it is too much and the become violent, they go coastal.

25 Apr 01 - 02:46 PM (#449209)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper

A renouned piano tuner named Oskar Oppernockity was employed by Carnegie Hall to tune their pianos in preparation for Vladimir Horowitz' last concert there. Several months later, Billy Joel was coming to Carnegie hall, and they tried to get Oskar again, but he declined.

He told them, "Oppernockity only tunes once...."

- Al

25 Apr 01 - 02:48 PM (#449211)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper

Two hyenas were flying to New York from Africa, each had 2 dead gazelles for luggage. The gate agent wouldn't let them board.

She told them, "I'm sorry, only one carrion per passenger...."

- Al

25 Apr 01 - 02:55 PM (#449216)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper

A monastery of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that -

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars....

- Al

25 Apr 01 - 02:56 PM (#449218)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a rootcanal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication....

- Al

25 Apr 01 - 02:58 PM (#449220)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,

"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

- Al

25 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM (#449279)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Chip2447

I always wanted to be an archeologist, until I discovered that career lay in ruins.

Then I wanted to be a doctor, but I found that I didn't have the patients.

Finally I thought about being a farmer, so I could be outstanding in my field.

So, heres to sitting on a birthday cake...just don't burn your end on both candles.

25 Apr 01 - 04:25 PM (#449282)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Long Firm Freddie

Er, in the one about the fish eating contest, I forgot to say that Fife's surname was Hicks. So he's called Fife Hicks. Sorry. (mumble mutter...)


25 Apr 01 - 04:36 PM (#449292)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Kim C

This is a true one.

When I was in high school, one of my friends came to class with a string of Christmas lights wrapped around himself. He sat down at the desk and plugged himself in.

"I'm pining away for Christmas," he said.

After that there was a great string of tree-related puns but this has only been about 16 years ago so I don't remember them all.

25 Apr 01 - 05:16 PM (#449334)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Naemanson

Well, OK, true story...

I play the bones. I have made several sets but only two pair really work well for me. One day a friend handed me on of a pair of ebony bones. So now I have one black bone that I call my Zen Bone. On stage I will sometimes pull it out and ask the audience if they have seen its mate. Then I can talk about the sound of one bone clicking (a la Zen Bone). Then I point out that I am fully prepared for Canadian ice hockey rinks because I have a "...zen bone, eh?"

The latest will be when I want to play rhythm for a cajun song. I have a bone that is already pan blackened...

25 Apr 01 - 06:15 PM (#449384)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon

I already posted my best effort here. And I see someone else had previously posted another version of it here. (Same pun, different story.)

You're right, Spaw. The best way to tell these stories is to work them into a context where you can have the listener believing them right up to the last line. It was done to me that way, and I was finally able to pull it off while talking to some friends about a month ago. Awfully hard to work it into a thread, though. Congratulations, Spaw. Too bad I missed your original posting.

25 Apr 01 - 06:31 PM (#449403)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49

Well, I just read Jim's and even though it's linked, it deserves to be posted here it is, direct from JIM DIXON:

Long before I knew her, my wife was a volunteer EMT – Emergency Medical Technician – in the small town in southern Minnesota where she lived. Once when we were driving through that part of the country, she pointed out a certain low-hanging railroad overpass, and told me about a bizarre accident that had occurred there in her day. This was in the time when CB radios were all the rage, and a lot of people were having them installed in their cars, trucks, whatever, and some of them had real long antennas, often installed by people who didn't really know what they were doing. Once a van passed under that overpass with an extra-long whip antenna, much longer than it should have been. The beaded tip of the antenna caught in a bolt-hole in a girder overhead, and it snapped off at the bottom. The aerial had flexed so far that when it broke loose, it went flipping back the other way, and struck a rider on a motorcycle that happened to be following behind the van. The sharp, broken end of the antenna pierced the man through the throat. He was badly hurt, but he survived the accident. They airlifted him to an emergency hospital in the Twin Cities, where they treated his wound. He seemed to be recovering OK, but a week or so later, he developed an infection in the wound that was resistant to all the antibiotics they tried. He finally died of the infection. The particular bacterium that infected him was so rare that it didn't have a name until then, but a name finally caught on because of the accident. Maybe you've heard of it. It's called van-aerial disease.

(When my wife told me that tale, she had me believing it right up to the punch line. I've never yet been able to get her back for that....Jim Dixon)

25 Apr 01 - 06:47 PM (#449413)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Hollowfox

A false pregnancy is a phallicsy. (from my friend Mitch, in college)

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Eskimo Christian Italian
Eskimo Christian Italian who?
Eskimo Christian Italian no lies. (from one of those little Peter Pauper Press books, but I don't remember which one.)

BTW, I seem to remember reading that knock-knock jokes originated in the era of speakeasies, with passwords at the door, etc. but I can't track down where I read it. If anybody runs across it, I'd appreciate knowing where. Thanks M

25 Apr 01 - 07:08 PM (#449425)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon

I heard this a long time ago:

"What is 'Fee fie foe fee fie foe fee'?"

Answer will be given later.

25 Apr 01 - 07:08 PM (#449426)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Kernow John

My lad got detention at school when asked what a simile was. His reply " ahappy dyslexic". KJ

25 Apr 01 - 07:20 PM (#449434)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon

What is 'Fee fie foe fee fie foe fee'?

That's Leon Spinks' telephone number.

(If you don't know who Leon Spinks is, click the link.)

25 Apr 01 - 07:29 PM (#449438)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: John Hardly

Double Petunia

A petunia is a flower like a begonia,
A begonia is a meat like a sausage,
A sausage and battery's a crime,
Monkeys crime trees,
Tree's a crowd,
The rooster crowd in the morning and made a loud noise,
The noise in on the face like the eyes,
Eyes are opposite nays,
A horse nays, has a colt,
And wakes up in the morning with double petunia.

25 Apr 01 - 07:39 PM (#449446)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49

Oh.....We're doing tose too huh? Okay.............


Because 2=2 is 4
And 3x4 is 12
There are 12 inches in a foot
A foot is a ruler
Queens are rulers
The Queen Mary is a ship
Ships sail on the sea
There are fish in the sea
The fish have fins
The Finns fought the Russians
Fire Engines are always rushin'
And that's why Fire Engines are RED!


25 Apr 01 - 07:48 PM (#449449)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: John Hardly

30 days hath Septober,
April, June and no wonder,
All the rest have peanut butter,
Except for Pasedena, which hosts the rose bowl.

25 Apr 01 - 07:55 PM (#449453)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: NightWing

Somehow this one seems particularly appropriate in this setting:

A neighbor of mine once got a phone call from his cousin in Australia. The cousin thanked him for loaning some money and said that in payment he was sending my neighbor a rare Australian animal: a Rary. A few days later, the animal arrived and immediately began eating my neighbor out of house and home. My neighbor tried to take it to the zoo, but they knew about how much Raries eat and wouldn't take it. He took it to the dog pound to have it put to sleep, but they said they couldn't do that to endangered species. So he drove to the top of a cliff and prepared to push his car off the edge with the Rary in it. Before he could, however, a cop came up and asked what he was doing. My neighbor explained about the Rary and how much it ate and how the zoo wouldn't take it and how he had decided that the only thing to do was to kill it by tipping his car off the cliff. The police officer looked over the edge of the cliff and shrugged, "I dunno. It seems like ... [wait for it]

It's a long way to tip a Rary.


25 Apr 01 - 08:37 PM (#449488)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,an is guy

someone mentioned "Feghoots"...
i didn't think anyone remembered them

it has a simple format: it begins with "ferdinarnd feghoot, the great traveler in time and space" and ends with a HORRIBLE pun


ferdinand feghoot the great traveler in time and space received a distress signal from a microscopic race that lived in some human's lower bowel.
when he arrived, he was informed that the entrance to the race's world (the human's sphincter)was in a state of constant irritation, and humans being (ahem) human, he was constantly scratching it.
causing immense disruption in commerce and destruction of transportation facilities.
ferdinand took a long look at the troublesome orifice, painted in the race's national colors (vermillion and cerise).
he immediately advised having it painted a plain gray.
amazingly enough, the problem ceased.
feghoot was quick to explain...

the source of your problem was obvious... gaudy anus, itchy door

25 Apr 01 - 08:41 PM (#449490)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Art Thieme

WHAT IS : Sis-boom-baaahh ?

Thw sound of an exploding sheep.

25 Apr 01 - 09:07 PM (#449507)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Blackcatter

Years ago when I was learning about Paganism in a group setting, a bunch of us went out to dinner after one of the meetings. One of our leaders/instructors and I were the first ones at the restaurant and we needed to get a table for 15 or so people. It was fairly crowded and the instructor said to me, "Well, we're Witches maybe we can do a spell to make a bunch of chairs." Without missing a beat and without realizing I was going to say it until I was saying it, I replied, "I'm just a new Witch - all I can do is produce a little stool."

The instructor had a funny look on her face the rest of the night.

pax yall

25 Apr 01 - 09:15 PM (#449509)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: kendall

Leon Spinks had no front teeth.

25 Apr 01 - 10:44 PM (#449550)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best

Friends, Romans Countrymen, lend me your ears. I have come to seize her berry not to praise it. Sorry - I just can't do it again. See the "Rites of Spring" thread.

25 Apr 01 - 11:07 PM (#449561)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bugsy

The Famous Barnum, was looking for a new act for the circus. After searching for many years he finally met an old gentleman in a bar who offered him a Gnu for $500.00. This was the first Gnu that Barnum had ever seen and he was sure that it would be a great addition to his troupe. Barnum enquired of the gentleman as to how long the lifespan of a Gnu was and was informed that this one was 40 years old and that they only lived to an average age of 45, however the price was right so Barnum decided that he would easily recoupe his outlay within the first 6 months once he got the Gnu to perform (Jumping through hoop, Sitting up and begging, offering his front hoof to be shaken, rolling over and playing dead etc.).

The problem occured when he tried to get the Gnu to perform any of these tasks. "SIT!" Barnum would commnand. But the Gnu would just stand there with a vacant look in his eyes. "BEG!" he commanded. Still the Gnu just stood there. "ROLL OVER AND PLAY DEAD!" Shouted Barnum. Still no response from the animal.

Barnum never did get the Gnu to perform, and finally sent the animal back to the wilds to live out his days in peace.

The Moral of the Story??




25 Apr 01 - 11:50 PM (#449574)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Mike Byers

Although few people today know about this today, back in the 17th century there was a group of violin makers in Belfast. But unlike most violins of the time, their's were made in a different manner as the carved scroll, instead of facing up, was facing down. Unfortunately, due to this feature and the acoustic properties of the wood they were using, their violins were unable to play the note "C". And as a consequence of this slight problem, the Belfast violin makers soon went out of business and were forgotten. These days, hardly anyone remembers that the Irish were responsible for the dead "C" scrolls.

25 Apr 01 - 11:52 PM (#449575)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon

I was an actor once. I had a small role in a play. I only had one line. It was, "Hark, fair maiden! I come to snatch a kiss, and fill your soul with hope!" But I got the line all screwed up ... (shakes his head solemnly) ... all screwed up ...

26 Apr 01 - 01:33 AM (#449620)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bert

Nightwing wait for it...

26 Apr 01 - 04:23 AM (#449649)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Chip2447

Once upon a time, many years ago an adventurous Rabbi traveled to the ancient European city of Tredel whose inhabitants are called Treds as matter of course. The Rabbi wanted to climb the local Mountain and visit the hermit that was said to live on the Mount. The Rabbi and his two hired local guides started out early the next morning. Just about lunch time they were startled to hear a great rumbling James Earl Jones voice shout. "WHO DARES CLIMB MY MOUNTAIN?" Which only barely preceded a scraggly old man rushing out from the shadows and planting a hobnail boot on the arse of the nearest local guide, sending him tumbling headlong down the mountain. Halfway to the summit, the strange incident repeated itself. "WHO DARES CLIMB MY MOUNTAIN?"...Punt...."AIIIIIEEEEE" Tumble tumble ouch crash bounce bounce splat. Our poor rabbi is in such a state, but he's determined to reach the summit and presses onward... Just few short steps from the top the strange voice echos again... "WHO DARES CLIMB MY MOUNTAIN?" The Rabbi drops to his knees and begs. "Please hermit of the mountain dont kick me off." To which the Hermit replied.... "SILLY RABBI, KICKS ARE FOR TREDS"

26 Apr 01 - 05:54 AM (#449669)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,lynda

A camping equipment retailer was having a spring sale. The notice in his window read Now is the discount of our winter's tent

An eskimo was feeling cold in his boat so he tried to light a fire to keep himself warm. The boat got all burned up which proves that you can't have your kayak and heat it

26 Apr 01 - 06:33 AM (#449682)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Crazy Eddie

Um, am I being really thick here? 'Cos I don't get it, I'm afraid.

I'm a bit stuck for time, so you'll have to construct your own stories for these. (Hint, If you like seafood, you'll have met most of the characters).
"I'm a prawn again, Christian"
"I know I just got back to heaven, but I must return to earth.....I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco.
"Good morning, Mr. shark" said Ollie the Octopus, "Here's the sick squid* I owe you"

* sick squid = six quid. A quid is a pound (money)Sorry, this one doesn't work if you use Dollars. But maybe someone can re-work it with six bucks (stags?).

26 Apr 01 - 07:29 AM (#449700)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Tony in Sweden

A deaf man and his mate enter a pub. The deaf man said to his mate "you find sit, me buy beer".
The deaf bloke asks the barman for two pints of Beer, "£10 please" said the barman,
"Sorry, what did you say?" asks the deaf man
"£10 please" repeats the barman,
"For 2 Beers, That's dear"
"It's because we've got live music tonight explained the barman,
"Sorry what?
"We've got LIVE MUSIC! shouts the barman,
"Ahh moozic" said the bloke "I bet I know what type, Wok and woll"
"WRONG" said the barman
"Wong?". "No wok and woll, den it muz be popmuzic"
"WRONG AGAIN" replies the barman
"Wong again? no wok an woll, no popmoozic, den it goda be boozemuzic!"
"FRAID NOT" said the barman "NONE OF THEM"
"wong again, no wok and woll, no popmoozic, no boozemoozic, but der is no udder moozik"
"WRONG" said the barman, "It's some Country & Western"
"Sorry, what?" said the deaf bloke
"SOME COUNTRY & WESTERN!" yells the barman
"OK dats fine" said the deaf bloke and takes the beers to the table.
"Ahh that's a good beer" said the 2nd man
"Sorry, what?" asks the deaf bloke
"That's a good beer"
"should be, £5 a pint!" replies the deaf man
"WHY SO DEAR?" inquires his mate
"Ahh" sighs the deaf, "There's live moozic, Mooooozic"
"Bet it's Rock and Roll" snapped his mate
"what?" asks the deaf man
"ROCK AND ROLL" shouts his mate
"WONG" laughs the deaf man
wrong? no Rock and Roll, then it's got to be popmusic
"what?" said the deaf man
"POP MUSIC" shouts his mate
"WONG" said the deaf man
Wrong again? no Rock and Roll, no Pop, then it's got to be Blues!
"What?" said the deaf man
"BLUES MUSIC" shouts his mate
"WONG, WONG, WONG" said the deaf, "NONE OF THEM"
What all wrong, no Rock and Roll, no Pop, no Blues, OK, WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING?
"DUNNO" said the 1st "the barman said it was...."



26 Apr 01 - 07:58 AM (#449708)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia

26 Apr 01 - 08:17 AM (#449714)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dave the Gnome

German pun. If the answer is 9W, what is the qestion?

Do yo spell your name with a 'V' Herr Wagner?

26 Apr 01 - 08:22 AM (#449717)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia

Gee, too quick on the draw.

A hiker, lost for many days in the alps, finally staggers up to a lonely monastry one night and knocks on the door. A monk opens the door and the hiker says, can you let me in, I'm lost, wet and hungry. The monk replied that it was forbidden to permit strangers into the monastry but, as the hiker was so distressed, the monk relented. He told the stranger he would give him a spare habit to wear and as long as he followed the monk, and copied his actions, the head abbott should be none the wiser. The hiker was fed and put to bed. At 4.00am the monk woke him up and told him to put on the habit as they had to go to the first chanting session of the day, it was still dark. They went to a large hall where all the monks were assembled before the abbott. The abbott chanted "gooood mooorrrning". The monks replied in kind but the poor disoriented hiker replied "gooood eeeevening". The abbott immediately smelt a rat and chanted ;


JG / F.M.E.

26 Apr 01 - 08:29 AM (#449723)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: kendall

sorry, I didnt see the blue clicky on Spinks.

26 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM (#449790)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dunkle

I've imagined a big billboard along the road; litle girl with a bib up to her elbows in potato chips, in her hair, all over her lips...

The wording underneath: Little Helen from Troy, NY - the face that lunched a thousand chips!

26 Apr 01 - 10:32 AM (#449799)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Naemanson

Q. What is another name for a cow's udder?
A. A calfeteria.

Q. What is black and white and red all over?
A. Vanilla - Licorice Swirl Ice Cream with strawberry topping.

Q. What is a cow's son called?
A. A bullet.

Q. Why was the little calf crying?
A. He couldn't find his fodder.

Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A. A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. A cat has claws at the end its paws.

We put an unopened container in the microwave. The kangaroo and finally exploded.

A scientist tested his time machine on a large beast of burden. He called the experiment yak to the future.

My car had to be toad when it got stuck in the mud.

People with unconventional beliefs often congregate insects.

When you play the commodities market, it is often necessary to hedgehogs.
Cats enjoy warmth and may try to sleep on your computer monitor. You MUST allow this because the monitor is a cat toed ray tube monitor.

Zebra: Let's switch roles for awhile.
Lion: OK, I'm game.

26 Apr 01 - 10:38 AM (#449807)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon

Two athletes, from different countries, in town for an international competition, happen to meet in a bar. One says, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The other says, "No, I'm a German. But how'd you know my name vas Valter?"

26 Apr 01 - 11:19 AM (#449840)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon

"From 1954 to 1966, Minneapolis radio and television personality Clellan Card portrayed a Scandinavian screwball named Axel Torgeson on a local children's TV show called 'Axel and His Dog.' "

That's from a good web site devoted to him, called Axel's Treehouse.

He was fond of puns. His trademark was a certain poem by Robert Louis Stevenson, which he would recite with his own twist:

A birdie with a yellow bill
Hopped upon my windowsill,
Cocked his shining eye and said:
"What's that in the road -- a head?"*

He repeated that poem hundreds of times in his career, varying the last line. The punchline always fit a formula: It was always a question, the last few words always included a pun, and the pun always depended on a crucial pause before the last word or two. The compiler of the web site calls this form a "birdie" in Card's honor. The example given above is not typical - he usually didn't bother with meter and rhyme.

What would you do if your wife drank -- liquor?
What's the matter with Hazel -- nuts?
How old were you when you got the colt -- 45?
What did you do after you ate the banana -- split?
What did you do when she stole your milk -- shake?
What do you think this is, Mary -- Christmas?
What's for dinner, Mother -- goose?

The web site gives many more examples.

*I just learned from the web site that the first example I gave may not be authentic, but it's still the one I like best.

26 Apr 01 - 11:25 AM (#449845)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49

HEY BRETT.......You said:

A scientist tested his time machine on a large beast of burden. He called the experiment yak to the future.

I think he conducted another experiment later called "Yak to the Future, Part Gnu"


26 Apr 01 - 12:10 PM (#449879)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Grab

"Gaudy anus, itchy door"? Anyone care to explain that?

Japanese business is currently in real trouble. Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

However, staff at Sake bank are in good spirits - the bank is completely loaded.


26 Apr 01 - 12:11 PM (#449880)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: mousethief

I don't get the four-sprung duck call one.

The "Silly rabbi" is a spoof on a line from a breakfast cereal commercial: "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for Kids" (the rabbit in these commercials is always trying to steal Trix(TM) brand cereal, but it's just for kids, don't you know.)

And now, from the punny headlines department:

All toilets at precint stolen overnight. Police have nothing to go on.


26 Apr 01 - 12:18 PM (#449884)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: mousethief

"Gaudeamus igitur" ("therefore let us rejoice")

A song, I think, from some famous university?


26 Apr 01 - 01:29 PM (#449957)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dahlin

"Gadeamus Igitur" Very early student drinking song adapted and used in the musical "The Student Prince"

26 Apr 01 - 01:38 PM (#449963)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bardford

I was shopping for a Volkswagen microbus. A fellow who lived in the country had one advertised, so I went out to have a look. The guy had festooned the van with painted images of Sesame Street characters- Bert, Ernie, Big Bird, Cookie Monster etc. He handed me the keys for a test drive, and to take the bus to my mechanic for inspection. I was driving down the highway and saw a car on the side of the road with its hood up, and two nuns flagged me down. I pulled over (who wouldn't) and offered them a lift into town. Turns out they were both named Patty, and I figured having them in the bus would certainly test its suspension, as both were quite corpulent.

A few minutes down the road, another car broken down, and a young fellow in a wheelchair with his thumb out. I couldn't very well pass him by, especially since the two nuns in the back seat made it quite clear I should stop. I did so, and the nuns got out and picked up Ross, as his name turned out to be, chair and all, and squeezed him into the middle of the van. He was on his way to the wheelchair basketball tryouts for the Special Olympics.

Not five minutes later, another car broken down on the side of the road, well dressed fellow with a briefcase standing beside it. What the hell, I had an empty passenger seat, so I picked him up. Introductions all around, he was Lester Meese, going in to town for a very important meeting.

It took a while to get the van up to cruising speed, what with all the weight, but it handled surprisingly well. We were toodling along nicely, when, too my surprise, Lester Meece took his shoes and socks off. I looked in the rearview mirror- the nuns and Ross were staring gape-mouthed at him. Lester nonchalantly began scraping and digging at the callouses and corns on his feet, and I, in my utter astonishment, took my eyes off the road momentarily. The van hit the gravel shoulder and sailed off into the ditch, landing on the passenger side, trapping all my passengers in the bus.

A policeman arrived and took my statement, and called in to get some assistance:

" I'll need some help here. We've got two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Meese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

26 Apr 01 - 01:51 PM (#449974)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper


Do you know the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team?

One is a cunning bunch of runts....

- Al

26 Apr 01 - 01:56 PM (#449984)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Long Firm Freddie

Last night two tankers collided in the English Channel. One was carrying purple paint, the other was carrying red paint. Both crews were marooned.


26 Apr 01 - 02:16 PM (#450017)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Sue

I own an Iguana that like to sit on top of my computer screen because it's warm.... he's a monitor lizard.

Notes: Banff is a mountian tourist community in Alberta, Canada

There's this black bear and he's wondering around the forest, & decides he's thirsty, so he goes into Banff & wonders into the first bar he sees asking the bartender "May I have a beer?" The bartender relplies "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Banff" "Okay" says the bear & leaves, as he walks down the block he thinks - that's discrimination, I'm a bear, I won't stand for it.... and besides I really want a beer. So back he goes to the bar when he walks in he looks at the bartender and demands "Bartender I want a beer!" "Sorry," says the bartender "we don't serve beer to black bears in bars in Banff" "Grrr" says the bear "I demand BEER!!!", and he rips the head off the cute blond sitting at the bar "I'm sorry," says the bartender... "We don't serve beer to beligerant black bears in bars in Banff, or Drug users" "Drug users!" exclaims the bear "Yes drug users," says the bartender..... "That was the bar bitch you ate" -Sue

26 Apr 01 - 02:22 PM (#450025)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Troll

MI-5 has recently opened its files and certain heretofore unknown facts have come to light.
It seems that Lord Kitchner, when he was in Egypt with his troops preparing to go to Khartoum to try to rescue General Gordon, contracted a skin condition that proved untreatable. Over the course of time, the itching caused by the condition affected his mind to the extent that his grip on reality began to slip.
By the time the campaign was over, he was as mad as a hatter and decided that the Monarchy must be overthrown and replaced with a military dictatorship with himself at the head. Since he was a hero to the British people, the whole matter was hushed up and he was kept in seclusion until a cure for the skin problem could be found.
A cure was found, administered, and the Generals sanity returned.
As I said, MI-5 has kept this secret until recently. So good was their security that no word of it ever got out except for the name given to the file wherein the details were kept and even that gave no real clue. Most people simply took it as a nonsense phrase used in regard to small children.
The name of the file was.....

The "Itchy Kitchy Coup"


26 Apr 01 - 02:34 PM (#450045)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Long Firm Freddie

One day, Mr Rodgers was in his music shop, when he heard a small scurrying sound. He looked over the top of the shop counter, and looking down, he saw a tiny little mouse.

It was obviously a girl mouse, because it was wearing a rather fetching pink tulle skirt.

"What can I do for you, little mouse?", asked Mr Rodgers.

"Have you got a mouse organ?", said the little creature.

"No, I'm afraid not. I've never heard of one of those. Sorry."

The little mouse thanked Mr Rodgers for his time, turned, and hurried out of the shop.

About half an hour later, another mouse turned up, this time wearing little blue shorts with shiny red buttons. A boy mouse, to be sure.

"Have you got a mouse organ, please Mister?", said the mouse.

"No, I'm sorry, I haven't. But it's funny, there was a little girl mouse in here asking for the very same thing, not half an hour ago."

"Was she wearing a pink tulle skirt?"

"Why yes, I do believe she was!"

"Oh, that'll be our Monica..."


26 Apr 01 - 02:53 PM (#450066)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Moleskin Joe

Another good source is Brian O'Nolan's characters Keats and Chapman. eg Chapman's horse escapes from its stable and sets off across the hills with Chapman in pursuit. The following day he meets Keats who aks him what he is doing. "Dogging a fled horse" says Chapman.


26 Apr 01 - 05:59 PM (#450198)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Kim C

I don't know how much of a pun this is, but here's another true one.

Mister and I were at a reenactment, and I got a small rip in my dress when it got hung on a very long bolt sticking out of the porta-pot door. Same thing happened to my friend Janine about two hours later. Later that night, we were singing around the tent and making quite merry, when the Fair Becky came back from the ball. "I'll be back to join you in a minute, after I go to the blue box."

"Be careful," we said.

"Why?" she said.

I said, very loudly, "Janine and I tore our dresses from the screw in the portajohn."

As soon as I said that, boyoboy was I ever sorry. ;-)

26 Apr 01 - 10:46 PM (#450309)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bill D

so, there were this African tribe, with two clans, living on opposite side of a very large lake. They almost never associated with each other due to an old feud, but because they were small, they needed to vary the gene pool now and then.

To accomplish this, every few years a group of young marriagable girls were gathered from each group and traded, as women have been for ages...there was a feast in the villages, then the girls were put into canoes and paddled out into the middle of the lake, where the young men from each group would haggle and trade various items until all the girls had new homes in the other clan.

All went well until one year. The meeting had just concluded when the waether turned bad and a large storm blew up, tossing the little canoes about until everyone feared for their lives! The tribesmen paddled for shore, barely managing to find a narrow beach, but it was unfamilar territory...they were totally lost! In fact, the situation was so bad, they didn't know which side their brides were bartered on!

And then, there was a mother who had two young boys in pre-school...and an unruly pair they were! Always in trouble! Finally one day, the teacher lost her temper and against ALL the rules, she popped the boys over her knee, yanked their pants down and spanked them soundly!

Well, shortly thereafter, Mom arrived to get them, and there they were, tears streaming down their shocked faces, as they had NEVER been spanked before, (being from a very modern family who belived in counseling children, not paddling them!)...Mother asked them what had happened, but they were so embarrassed, they just said that teacher had punished she asked the teacher, but the teacher didn't want to admit to corporal punishment. Well, Mom suspected that the boys had been hit, but no one would admit anything , for their own finally she just gave up and took them home, never knowing which side her brood was battered on.

27 Apr 01 - 01:54 PM (#450536)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Grab

Alex, the slogan for Audi cars is "Vorsprung durch Technik".


27 Apr 01 - 02:01 PM (#450547)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: mousethief

Thanks, Grab.

Okay, now I don't understand the Monica Mouse one.


27 Apr 01 - 02:37 PM (#450578)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Krause

This comes from Chester Drawers

Seems farmer Al Falfa's old dog Wrecks had taken rather a bad turn. So Al loaded up the dog in the pick up and took him downtown to Dr. Payne's veterinary clinic there on Second St. in Two Foot Falls. Well, Doc looked at ol' Wrecks and said "This doesn't look to good, Mr. Falfa, Ol' Wrecks is dead."

"Can't be." said Al. "Isn't there something you can do?"

"Well, I'll see." says Doc. Presently he goes out of the examining room and brings back this labrador retriever. The lab looks at Wrecks' comatose body, looks at Doc, then looks at Wrecks, then at Al. Finally Doc says "Yep, Ol' Wrecks is dead, all right. I'm sorry."

Al says "Wait just try once more. I really want a second opinion." So, Doc Payne takes the lab away, and comes back with this Siamese cat. He holds the cat over top of Ol' Wrecks and passes her from left to right, then from right to left. And the Doc says to Al, "No doubt about it now, Ol' Wrecks is dead. I'm sorry. That'll be $850.00."

"$850.00!" exclaims Al Falfa. "What do you think, money grows on trees?! How do you figure that?"

"Well, simple, $350.00 for the lab tests, and $500.00 for the cat scan."

27 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM (#450640)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Frug

A guy breaks out in a terrible rash and consults his doctor who then refers him on to a specialist. The specialist in turn calls for a third opinion and eventually has to inform the guy that he has contracted a very rare and incurable disease and that he will surely die a most horrible death. The guy goes out and considers how to spend his last days and while browsing the papers looking for something to do he spots an advertisement from a witch doctor who claims to be able to cure everything. The guy goes along and the witch doctor says that in order to save his life the guy most be prepared to sacrifice his best friend. As our hero does not want to die he arranges to meet his friend at the pub for a few beers. After a good drink they leave to go home and on the way our man kills his friend with a brick and takes the corpse along to the witch doctor. The witch doctor places the corpse in a large vat and boils it down for several days until all thats left is a gooey mess which he spreads all over our mans body. In the morning the rash has disappeared and our guy is delighted. Asked if there is a name for this form of treatment the witch doctor replies...........

Yea we call it PALOMINE LOTION

27 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM (#450667)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jacob B

A Mouse Harp is another name for an Our Monica - you know, the little instrument with reeds that you blow into?

Grendel Briarton is a pen name for (and an anagram of) Reginald Bretnor, who is best known as an artist, but who has also had stories published under his own name.

However, Spider Robinson is to blame for the following:

The weekly pun contest was going on down in the bar. This week, the theme for the contest was Science Fiction. The field of competitors had been narrowed down to two, a man and a woman. It was the woman's turn, and she told this story:

"The Israeli government was delighted when it received a secret communique from an Arab government, offering to negotiate a treaty. When the Arab dignitaries arrived for the negotiations, the Israelis thought it would be a good idea to treat them to some entertainment, and took them to an amusement park. One of the dignitaries particularly liked the carousel, and rode it many times. Unfortunately, he became so dizzy that he fell down when he got off the carousel, and he was immediately eaten by the second of three sheep that happened to be standing nearby.

"The Israeli official escorting the group was horrified. He rushed up to the sheep and said accusingly, 'Middle lamb, you've had a dizzy bey.'"

This story was greeted by a large chorus of groans. However, the woman's opponent protested. Her story, he said, had not stuck to the declared theme of the evening.

The woman smiled sweetly. "The story," she said, "was clearly about Zion's Friction."

She won the contest.

27 Apr 01 - 04:58 PM (#450692)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Naemanson

Oh, now you unleash Spider Robinson! In that case, and in the spirit of the website (music), try this on for size. You all know the tune.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee that a moray,
When a farmer has need to cut some more feed that's some more hay,
It's a New Zealand man with a permanent tan, that's a Maori,
You got vitamin B, C, D, and some E, you need more A,
A Canadian man introduces his mom, "That's me maw, eh."

27 Apr 01 - 05:44 PM (#450717)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: mousethief

Continued HERE


27 Apr 01 - 09:32 PM (#450821)
Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Extra Stout

There was a group of islanders who were so devoted to their traditional fishing boats that eventually, the people began to resemble the boats. They were a prowed people.