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17 May 01 - 09:59 AM (#464600) Subject: Handy Tips From: Patrish(inactive) BLUES MUSICIANS! One way to start the day on an "up" note is to wake up in the afternoon, cleverly avoiding all that nasty morning stuff. Patrish
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17 May 01 - 10:01 AM (#464604) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: Kim C I'm not a blues musician and even I can second that. Unfortunately my job won't let me. |
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17 May 01 - 10:04 AM (#464608) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: LR Mole But then what would you sing about? |
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17 May 01 - 10:18 AM (#464615) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: Patrish(inactive) CONVERT BLACK LABRADOR DOGS into seals by taking them to cafes twice a week and feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits. Patrish |
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17 May 01 - 10:19 AM (#464618) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: KingBrilliant Woke up this afternoon, got them low down had no breakfast blues. Milkman's been and had his way with my snake-hearted cheating woman The dog shat on my pillow And I can't find my clothes Kris (its a man song because only men are that lazy :) ) |
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17 May 01 - 10:38 AM (#464628) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: GUEST,Gitte Next time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. That'll make Tescos/Asda feel like your own living room. Gitte |
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17 May 01 - 10:57 AM (#464645) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: Bagpuss When thinking of handy hints, go and read the Viz "Top Tips" section. It saves you the bother of having to think up funny things for yourself! Bagpuss |
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17 May 01 - 11:50 AM (#464711) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: marty D "folksongs about average people" (to make us feel better about ourselves) Come all ye Chickenshit sea-faring men. My woman done left me...and I'm a feelin' pretty ambivalent. Lordy lord. John Henry drove 14 feet, the steam drill 129. Come gather round me people and a story I'll try not to screw up marty |
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17 May 01 - 04:35 PM (#464990) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: GUEST Give a pair of rubber gloves and a scissors as a wedding gift, labeled as "SAFE SEX and/or DISHWASHING KIT"(you make the choice!) |
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18 May 01 - 11:37 AM (#465583) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: GUEST,R246 LBV I saved a fortune on a personalised number plate for my car by changing my name to R246 LBV. And then I had to hand the bloody company car back. Chiz! |
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18 May 01 - 05:18 PM (#465855) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: Kim C Give my heart to the junk man and give my love to Rose. :-) |
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18 May 01 - 05:47 PM (#465874) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: mousethief Always wear mirrored sunglasses. When people ask why, say that you have a rare degenerative eye condition. Then you can look, gawk, or ogle at anything you want, and nobody will be the wiser. Alex |
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18 May 01 - 06:27 PM (#465896) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: Tony (home) in Sweden Save Gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think that you've broken down and help push. Save electricity by swithching off all the lights in yor home and walk around wearing a miners hat. |
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18 May 01 - 06:30 PM (#465899) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: mousethief Miners hats use electricity. |
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18 May 01 - 06:50 PM (#465912) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: Sorcha OH NO!! (i resisted as long as i could.....really!) My nephew's name is Handy, and my first thought when I saw this title was that poor Handy had tipped and couldn't get up! (sorry, no cool tips from here today!) |
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18 May 01 - 06:53 PM (#465915) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: gnu Yeah, but you can charge em up on the neighbour's outdoor receptacle. |
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18 May 01 - 09:32 PM (#465999) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: Ebbie MT, remember not to salivate and drool. Ebbie |
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18 May 01 - 09:51 PM (#466007) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: gnu If you're getting a cell and have to choose between the plastic clip that slides onto your belt or the case that has a belt loop, take the belt loop. They're expensive to replace when you step on them ! Plus, it protects them from the rain, fro..ooom the raaaain (apologies to Carole King). |
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18 May 01 - 11:37 PM (#466055) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: SeanM Remember, if you make errors in word processing that you can save wear and tear on your backspace key by using white out on your screen. Using this method, it is recommended to replace your monitor monthly. More, if you can't type. M |
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19 May 01 - 04:35 AM (#466117) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: lady penelope Always join an already seated party in a restaraunt, act as if you're meant to be there by saying things like "oh, Susan said it would be fine if I took her place, do you know John? " most of the time they should be too confused to ask you to leave. "Woke up yesterday morning Woke up today as well And I wake up tomorrow morning It'll make three days in a row!" TTFN M'lady P. |
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19 May 01 - 07:40 PM (#466501) Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips From: Bill D BRIDES! Why take risks on your wedding day? Place four or five marshmallows under your wedding cake to help it withstand any minor earthquakes or tremors.
(mousethief..early miners hats were carbide powered I knew a guy once who had one, and who would spend 2 hours tinkering with it so he could walk around for 30 minutes showing off.... |