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28 Jun 01 - 09:21 PM (#494404) Subject: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Áine Call me a whiney titty baby; but, dang it, it hurts, It Hurts, IT BLOODY HURTS!! I've just put my back out again -- via pinched nerve from an old car accident -- and now, my knees are hurting like hell too (via old cheerleader/softball injuries). If katlaughing sees this thread, she can explain how I got this way . . . What I need from you darlin' 'Catters is some 'down in your back' humour -- Please, make me laugh, 'cuz it upsets my dogs when I wince, moan and scream like this -- not to mention Dear Hubby and the Wonder Kids . . . I'm callin' my 'lifeline' here, folks . . . Damn, it HURTS!! -- Áine (sorry, no grinny face this time...) |
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28 Jun 01 - 09:29 PM (#494409) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: kendall Get used to it dear, you have reached the age where your back goes out more than you do. |
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28 Jun 01 - 09:55 PM (#494423) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: hesperis Awwww... I can always.. no... I'd better not post the link... |
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28 Jun 01 - 10:13 PM (#494429) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: JenEllen Aw, baby face! (girl starts hummmmmiinnnngggg)
Spasmed back
What's the cure?
My sweet pet
Spasmed back (followed by way-cool cheer, double somersault, and the splits....you'll be joining me in no time!)
luv and gentle hugs,
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28 Jun 01 - 10:40 PM (#494441) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: wysiwyg Me too, but no laughs, it's the place where front-side breathing muscles reach around the back and it hurts to laugh! I am now CRABBILATED and DECREPPIFIANT. Wince, moan, upset animals, yes... in my case, yips and grunts and other un-Susanlike emissions of pain. Hurts to sit at puder too so SEE YA LATER. ~S~ PS, I'm putting your ass out on the prayer list TOMORROW. |
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28 Jun 01 - 10:44 PM (#494442) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Sorcha Why her ass? It's her back that's down....... |
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28 Jun 01 - 10:48 PM (#494445) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Amos Awwww!! C'mon, darlin -- fill them pinched nerves with that green mystic beamlight and HEALLLLL!!!! So this horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?" BBBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr----Chianmnnnnggg!!! Ask Jenna to send you the Tale of the Hungry Duck.... Or ask her to describe the grease trap down at the Lucid Goose or whatever that steamy restaurant is called... The problem is probably that you are getting up too early. You've been told this is only the Right and Moral way to live, I imagine. But just remember, lass: The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Actualy if ya don't heal you can sue those jerks!! Get a lawyer, but make sure it is a good one. It pays to keep in mind that 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. And as long as you're set on living in Bush country, remember to support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have!!! BodddaBang, boddabing!!! Get stretched with some Epson Salts in a hot bath or whatever else makes the ache go away, and recover!!!! Remember those Green Beams!!! Love ya, A |
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28 Jun 01 - 10:50 PM (#494446) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Áine To kendall down to Sorcha -- giggle, giggle, ouch, ouch, giggle, giggle, ouch, sh*t, giggle, etc. . . . still hurts like hell, but 'Ta' to you all . . . -- Á. |
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28 Jun 01 - 10:53 PM (#494447) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: katlaughing Oh my dear darlin', don't you go near that codeine, no matter what our Songstress says! Remember the lollipop people! **BG** Think Tiger Balm and aspirin; think standing in the shower, with help of course, and letting the water loosen all those tight-ass muscles. Think relaxed and blow out those long deep breaths, slow-like, now, no hyper-ventilating. If I have to I'll put a paper bag in front of your face and make you breath in it all night!**BG** NOW, think about how we Mudcat Righteous Wimmin, Your Sisters, are gonna come down there and kick that rat-assed bastard of a snivelling, runny candy-nosed, lazy, good for nothing, supposed a/c repairman where the sun don't shine and his ass isn't gonna be in TexASS anymore! Nope, nosiree, he's not gonna be anywhere near our Goddess-Sister, sitting on his pointy, devil-tailed butt in an a/c truck while she does the work he's being paid for, putting out her back! By the time we get done with him, he WILL know how to treat a lady and he WILL know how do do an honest day's work, or he will get picked to pieces by the Buzzards of the driest, the hottest, the most snake-infested, gawdforsaken patch of desert on gawd's otherwise green earth and he will never, I said, never, pull a boner like he did today! Now, let's see, you wanted laughs, eh? luvya and tell Layne he gets LOTS of extra karmic brownie points for babying you, tonight...mehitabel
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28 Jun 01 - 10:57 PM (#494448) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Áine Weezie -- my sympathies to you and your po' back, with lots of love, hugs & snogs. And my dearest Amos B.O.T.F. -- ha! And please remember, 'Dah Shrub' ain't no Texan - he was born in Connecticut -- no offense intended, dear kendall (my favourite Yankee)... -- Á. |
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28 Jun 01 - 11:03 PM (#494451) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull If you need a laugh take a look at David Ickes website (www.davidicke.com), this guy is CRAZY! He alleges that the brittish royal family are lizards, and the queen mother is a witch who secretly eats small children. |
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28 Jun 01 - 11:08 PM (#494453) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: alison aine.... find yourself a good reflexologist... they can fix backs very quickly..... slaint alison |
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28 Jun 01 - 11:30 PM (#494466) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Amergin what I am wondering...is how did you hurt your knees as a cheerleader? This is great! I can insult my favourite redheaded Texan and not have to worry about any new bumps on my poor abused noggin to add to my ever growing collection of mouth wounds..... Old Aine, it ain't so bad as long as you can reach your glass ful of teeth.... |
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28 Jun 01 - 11:30 PM (#494467) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Sorcha Not a funny, but when I spasmed really badly several years ago, the only thing that helped was FLAT on my back on ice packs. Was only allowed to get up to pee, and it took 3 of us to accomplish that. Heavy duty pain drugs and a week later a cortisone injection.
Couldn't stand up long enough to shower, hurt like HELL to sit down to pee, and it took 4 months to really heal. You ever try to eat FLAT on your back?? No pillows under the head, either. Hope yours is not that bad, dearie. (Watch your ass, Whizzy is after it..........) |
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28 Jun 01 - 11:40 PM (#494474) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: JenEllen Oh NO!!! Not the Tale of the Hungry Duck!!!! She'll KILL me deader than an A/C repairman!!!! Darlin'GG, just joshin wi'ya... stay away from the drugs. I'm sending you a big ol'mental footrub from the girl. Tea too.
So....
The next day, the same dumb-assed guy gets to work, and now his other eye is blacker than the first. His buddy asks him, "What the hell happened this time?"
Third day, old Sam walks in to work, with his two shiners and a brand-spanking new neck brace. "JAYSUS!! What the hell happened to YOU?"
(((((hugs))))))
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28 Jun 01 - 11:43 PM (#494477) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Amos Well it ain't no use in straightening your back, babe The back that's wracked with pain Ain't no use in straightening your back, babe You'll just get knocked down again, When the pain from your muscles makes you start to spin Remember that the Mudcats are yore lovin' kin, And you're in awful fine shape for the shape yore in! But don't stand up, you'll fall down!!! It ain't no use a sittin' at your 'puter, babe Ringachinkachingarinkaching, wahhhwahhhhwahhhwoooo!!! Thank yew fer makin' me what Ah am today, babe! B. D. Zimmerman |
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29 Jun 01 - 12:02 AM (#494487) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: GUEST,Cherry Eatin' Cat Want some coffee? I just made a fresh pile of beans. |
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29 Jun 01 - 12:09 AM (#494492) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca Áine, hey, you should have a look at Dave Stone's song I Love My Back |
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29 Jun 01 - 12:59 AM (#494510) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: catspaw49 Damn there Darlin'...........What I hate here though is that I been there,done that, too and it ended with back surgery...........I'm really a friggin' wreck aren't I? On the plus side, at least medical technology is outpacing my medical conditions! Here's something fun though.......If it helps to lay flat with your feet up---and your bathroom has the right shape----run a tub of hot water and lay flat on the floor with your legs over the tub. If you lay small sheet of plywood over the tub, this is really quite comfortable! For more enjoyment, strip down nekkid and lay with your ass against the tub........now fart. It will reverberate thoughout the house and considering your predilection for gassy Texas food, you could probably register something on a seismograph.................... Spaw |
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29 Jun 01 - 01:13 AM (#494513) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Dear Hubby Warning ... All Mudcatters be on alert: Áine has taken the pill! Repeat, Áine has taken the pill! Please keep this information in mind if any further posts from her over the next 12-24 hours mention odd references to lollipop people, snakes in the mattress, or personal conversations with Mary Shelley, Bram Stoker or Francis Ford Coppola. Once again, this is a Vicodin warning from the Goddess Emergency Broadcast System (GEBS). Áine has taken the pill! Please contact Dear Hubby or a Mudcat Elf in your area for further instructions on how to proceed. Thank you for your support. DH
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29 Jun 01 - 01:24 AM (#494516) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: catspaw49 Just thow her into a bathroom with her ass against the tub and turn on the tape recorder........Playback the tape on continual loop and when pill really kicks in she'll be ready for a few months of tiple treatment at the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed. Spaw |
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29 Jun 01 - 01:44 AM (#494527) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Liz the Squeak Love to help you but after an asthma attack earlier in the week, my back AND sides are still sore.... feels like I was kicked solidly for an hour by my own army boots. So I sympathise, take care and we can do the virtual hug thing if nothing else. (((LTS))) |
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29 Jun 01 - 07:19 AM (#494626) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: kendall It's ok to mention that Bush was born in Connecticut. That does not make him a New Englander, if you cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call them bisquits would you? |
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29 Jun 01 - 07:26 AM (#494629) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: kendall Some years ago, I suffered with back pain, sciatica, the whole catastrophy, but, I got talked into seeing a chiropracter, and, as luck would have it, I found a good one. The first one was a quack, so, I "ducked" out of there, but, the second was a genius. I still see her from time to time, and, instead of being unable to drive more than 20 miles, like before, I can now drive 300 miles. |
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29 Jun 01 - 07:46 AM (#494644) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Trevor Last time I went to the doctor with a bad back he told me to say aaah. I said 'why?', he said 'cos my cat's just died' |
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29 Jun 01 - 08:18 AM (#494666) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Les from Hull Sorry to hear about the back, Aine - been there, done that. All I can do is lie on my back on a hard surface. You don't want to be sitting at a computer reading this! You should think about seeing a chiropractor or similar. They can often do some good, but like kendall says they vary. If the first one don't fix you, don't give up. |
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29 Jun 01 - 08:28 AM (#494672) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: GUEST,Dancing Mom ooooh! Been there. Hurts to stand, hurts to sit, hurts to do anything for very long. I lived on ibuprofen. Sleeping on your side with a pillow between the knees might help. Don't bend forward to do ANYTHING. Actually, Catspaw's idea does work. The sofa works well for that , too. I never tried the fart thing, though. Interesting. I guess it could act as one of those vibrating messagers, just on "pulse" instead of "continuous" mode. S. |
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29 Jun 01 - 08:29 AM (#494674) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Micca Dear Aine who lives out in Texas put her back out while doing reflexes she is now lying prone in the bathtub alone and pain behind her solar plexus |
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29 Jun 01 - 09:56 AM (#494738) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Dharmabum Seems to me ,if you fart on the inside of the tub,you at least get a bubble bath outta the deal!
The year is 1962.Johnny arrives to pick up his date,Becky. Becky's father leads Johnny into the parlor & sits him down on the couch. And Becky shouts.....THE TWIST DAD,...IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!!!!! Hope you're feeling better soon. Ron. |
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29 Jun 01 - 10:04 AM (#494746) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: John J This won't make you laugh, but it could bring the smile back to your face. There is a brilliant book called 'Treat your own back' by Robin McKenzie, ISBN 0-9597746-6-1 If you go through the book, cover to cover, it will explain the nature of many back injuries, and more importantly, tell you how to stop the hurting. Buy it, it's superb. It's available from WH Smiths here in merrie england. John (long term sufferer of back problems, now almost sorted) |
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29 Jun 01 - 10:15 AM (#494755) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Kim C Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he's put up in a lovely 25,000 sq ft mansion on 250 acres, with his own personal barber and all that. It's peachy keen. One day, he's out walking in this splendid park and meets a very nattily dressed gentleman. "Wow, that's a really nice suit," Bill says to the man. "Yes," he replies. "It's one of many I was given when I came here." "So where do you live?" asks Bill. "I live in the 50,000 sq ft mansion on the 500 acre lot," says the man. Bill is surprised a little. "Wow, you must have been very important on Earth. What did you do, anyway?" "Why, I was captain of the Titanic," the man says. "Captain of the Titanic!" Bill exclaims. "Look, I'll see you later, okay?" Bill rushes off to find St. PEter. "Peter!" he hollers. "I need to talk to you just a minute." "Certainly, Bill. What can I help you with? "Well, I just met the captain of the Titanic and - well, I'm not complaning or anything - but he's got a bigger house and more property and nicer clothes than I've got. The captain of the Titanic! I don't get it." "Well, Bill," St. Peter says, "you see, the Titanic only crashed once." :-D |
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29 Jun 01 - 10:29 AM (#494767) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Sam Pirt Heres some jokes then: I saw a magic tractor the other day *pause* it turned into a field. I saw an amazing scarcrow the other day *pause* it was out standing in its field. I appogise for my level of jokes but hey they made me laugh!!! I hope your back gets better soon Cheers, Sam |
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29 Jun 01 - 10:34 AM (#494771) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: GUEST,SharonA Owwwwch... sorry to hear that you're hurting. I've never had back problems, specifically, but I do have lupus and have found Vioxx to be very helpful in managing the pain. Celebrex is in that same general family of medications. They ain't cheap, though, and you have to twist some HMO arms to okay payment for them, but it can be done. So a priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "You again?" SharonA |
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29 Jun 01 - 10:43 AM (#494777) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: SINSULL AT the risk of appearing mundane: I am sorry you are hurting. Back pain is a bitch. Hot baths, relaxation, and good drugs will put you right. Be well. Mary |
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29 Jun 01 - 10:47 AM (#494785) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Bert Awww! here's loads of sympathy for ya from another ol' fart who's bin there. Yeah you get these pain pills that say take two every four hours, and they don't work, so you take four every two hours. They take an hour to kick in and give you some relief for half an hour, then the pain comes back during the next half hour so you take another double dose. Then you find that they don't work at all because your body has grown immune to their effect so you switch brands and start again. Then all those pills make you constipated and you can't strain 'cos your back hurts. A bundle of fun ain't it. Get yerself a chair, lie flat on your back on the floor and bend yer knees and rest your calves on the seat of the chair. The good news is that it will get better and if you take very good care with your posture and supporting your back, it wont happen too often. After it's hit you a few times you'll get used to reading the warning signs so it will rarely recur. Don't ever again bend over to pick anything up, always bend at the knees. Carry a small cushion to put in the small of your back when you sit down - especially when driving. Lots of love and sympathy, Bert. |
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29 Jun 01 - 10:56 AM (#494794) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: GUEST,Walking Eagle |
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29 Jun 01 - 10:57 AM (#494796) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: GUEST,Walking Eagle |
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29 Jun 01 - 11:01 AM (#494803) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: GUEST,Walking Eagle I'll get the hang of it THIS time. A tourist feller was talking to a Cherokee one day. How do you say hello in Cherokee, he asks. The Cherokee said, Well, you go down to the court house steps in Cherokee N.C. and yell out HELLO! Sad, isn't it? |
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29 Jun 01 - 11:03 AM (#494805) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Fortunato A young father bought a Doberman Pincher puppy as a family pet. The puppy was loving and playful, a good companion. When the dog reached a year and a half he became aggressive, nipping at the children and the neighbors. The veterinarian tells the dog's owner that the dog has reached puberty and the solution is castration. The owner makes an appointment for the following Tuesday for the procedure. That Saturday the man is walking the dog down the street near his apartment when the dog spots a homeless man going through a trashcan down the alley. The dog becomes agitated, breaks loose from his owner, races down the alley and attacks the homeless man. The owner rushs down, pulls the dog off the homeless man who has been bitten several time on the arm and says:
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29 Jun 01 - 11:07 AM (#494807) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: wysiwyg I'll tellya what's funny is trying to wipe your ass when you can't bend over, reach back, or do anything but howl. How come nobody warns you about THAT part of back problems? ~Susan |
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29 Jun 01 - 01:23 PM (#494894) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: McGrath of Harlow As they say, Áine, death is nature's way of telling us to slow down - and a backache is a milder way of saying the same thing. Too much digging is bad medicine.
There was this elephant going out for a walk, and he met a mouse.
Well, some elephants are scared of mice, but this one wasn't. "I am the the mighty elephant, greatest of beasts. I am strongest of all creatures - and you, you are a pathetic mouse. You are weak, tiny, and generally ridiculous. What have you to say for yourself?"
"Well",said the mouse "I haven't been well lately" .
And talking of elephants, visit this page and read a chapter from one of my favourite books, which is about a generally benevolent but at times quite acerbic elephant called Uncle.
And here's a song about getting better (from a knee operation). |
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29 Jun 01 - 03:49 PM (#494981) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Les from Hull Sorry forgot the joke: A woman goes into a bar (possibly the same bar that everyone and everything else has been going into in his thread) and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one. |
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29 Jun 01 - 04:35 PM (#495004) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Bert Ooh, and I forgot. Lay off of the caffeine. The last thing you need is something that's going to liven up those nerves. |
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30 Jun 01 - 08:18 AM (#495337) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Áine Thank you, thank you, thank you, one and all for the giggles, larfs, guffaws, and good advice!! Dear Hubby kept me abreast (oh behave, Amergin) of your comments and jokes yesterday, and believe me, they kept me prone all the while. ;-) I'm still hurting, but I can walk (slowly) now. I don't think I'll be digging in the garden for a couple of days, but I'm definitely on the mend. Cudos to all of you for making the pain in my ass (well, close enough for government work) bearable! You all deserve a standing ovation, which I will be able to give you in a couple of days, I promise. Thanks again to everyone who answered my 'lifeline' call, Áine |
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30 Jun 01 - 09:33 AM (#495356) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Mr Red How far down the back do you want it. I could rub you up the wrong way, what grade of sand paper do you normally take? "Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm?" "I dunno, ask yer dad!" |
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30 Jun 01 - 10:28 AM (#495370) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: catspaw49 Ya' know Aine, i just got to thinkin' that it could be worse........I mean like you could be a female Galapagos Tortoise during mating season and I've seen that and know they have it rough! Looks real painful even if you were feelin' good an.......uh, well...............let's not go there any further......................... And forget about Bert's advice because the last time he was laying in that position was a few months back when the CRS was acting up pretty bad and he went to the gynecologist instead of the gemologist and ask for an inspection of his jewels............BTW, the report came back as "dessicated and totally worthless." Spaw |
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30 Jun 01 - 04:14 PM (#495491) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Les from Hull Late addition - this joke from Maggie: Two nuns are walking down a lonely lane in Translyvania, when Count Dracula leaps out at them from behind a bush. 'It's Dracula!' exclaims one 'quick, show hime yer cross!' So the other shouts 'Fuck off you pasty-faced long-toothed git!' |
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30 Jun 01 - 04:34 PM (#495501) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Amos Wal, there was a Bush cousin from the next branch of the family over but one who was half Bush and half Italian. He made himself an offer he could neither understand nor pronounce. A |
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30 Jun 01 - 04:46 PM (#495511) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: Liz the Squeak Three nuns die and get to heaven. St Peter meets them and says, 'sorry ladies, you'll have to answer a question each correctly before I can let you in.' He looks at the first nun and says 'who was the first woman?' 'Eve' is the reply. 'Correct, in you go', says Peter. He turns to the second. 'Where did Eve live?' 'Ooohh, I know this one, erm.... garden of Eden?' 'Correct, in you go....' he turns to the third, a Mother Superior, 'What did Eve first say to Adam?' Mother Superior looks worried... 'Oh boy, that's a hard one.....' 'Correct!' says Peter, 'In you go!' (alright I stole it from the Vicar of Dibley, but what the heck, it's good to recycle and it's a bloody good joke. Well I thought it was....) LTS |
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30 Jun 01 - 05:09 PM (#495529) Subject: RE: BS: Make Me Laugh - My Back's Gone Out!! From: GUEST,Blind Drunk in Blind River Okay, like, so whats the differnece between a prostitute and a lawyer....??? The prostitute won't keep on screwin you after yer dead!!! :-D !!! BDiBR |