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31 Aug 01 - 03:30 PM (#539161) Subject: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'So this piece of string crawls into a chapel and wriggles all the way up to the altar and cries out, "How long??? How long???" Would you believe I just made that up? Jeez!!! Part One of this entertaining thread is over here... Regards, A |
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31 Aug 01 - 03:58 PM (#539178) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Jack the Sailor Amos, Different Jokes, Same punchline. Inchworm crawls the lenth of a leaf, ladybug asks him.... Measuring tape string crawls into a chapel and wriggles all the way up to the altar and crys..... Woman walks up to a man in a bar and asks..... One Chinese lady asks another one what is your boyfriend's name?... I'll bet you can tell I made these up!
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31 Aug 01 - 04:00 PM (#539179) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Jack the Sailor Big John -------- One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass." |
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31 Aug 01 - 04:51 PM (#539209) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Gloredhel A theif jimmies the lock of the back door of a house and opens the door a crack. A voice says "Jesus is watching you." He gets scared and leaves. Two days later he tries again. He gets a few steps into the room when the voice says again, "Jesus is watching you." He quickly leaves. The theif decides to try one more time. This time, absolutely sure that no one is home, he turns on the lights. A parrot on a perch in the corner of the room says, "Jesus is watching you." The theif starts to laugh, but hears a low growl behind him. He turns to see a large pitbull eyeing him. The parrot says "Sick'em, Jesus!" |
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31 Aug 01 - 05:12 PM (#539230) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Rollo How do you starve a newfie? - You hide his unemployment cheque beneath his working shoes.
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31 Aug 01 - 06:06 PM (#539294) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Deda Five Cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Defense Department Organization. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Division Chiefs and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaning lady!" |
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31 Aug 01 - 06:19 PM (#539304) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Gareth Then there was this missionary, in Darkest Africa, trying to convert the Ungodley. He had taken years to convince the tribes as to how they should fear God and respect the elderly. One day his home chapel in South Wales decided to ask him what it was that he needed to spread the Word. And after many months a reply came back " A bicycle - it would make life so more efficient" So a collection was held and and a bicycle paid for and sent to the mission station. The Missionary was very pleased with his new bike, and cycled into the bush to reach his most far away tribe of canibals.
As he reached the village, a messenger ran to the cannibal chief. "Ah Chief, you remember how Missionary Jones kept telling us how the Welsh looked after the elderly ?". Gareth For the benefit of the Cousins "Meals on Wheels" is the generetic term for Social Services delivering cooked meals to the elderly or infirm at home,
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01 Sep 01 - 01:37 PM (#539706) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Justa Picker Moses has just finished receiving the 10 Commandments from God. He takes a few steps towards the bottom of Mt. Sinai, and then stops, turns around, shakes his head, and says to God..."So lemme make sure I've got this right. The Arabs get all the oil and we get to slice our pricks?" |
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01 Sep 01 - 07:14 PM (#539879) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Gloredhel A Jewish man had a son. When the boy grew up, he announced to his father that he was becoming a Christian. The man didn't know what to do. So he went to the rabbi. "Rabbi, I had a good Jewish son, but now he says he's a Christian. What am I going to do?" The rabbi says, "I had a good Jewish son, too, and he became a Christian. I don't know what to do, but let us pray." So they both went into the synagogue and prayed, asking, "God, we had good Jewish sons, but they are Christians now. What should we do?" The earthe began to shake, lightning flashed, and God said, "I had a good Jewish son...." |
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01 Sep 01 - 07:47 PM (#539903) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Troll Wife Control
Three guys were drinking in a pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife? troll |
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02 Sep 01 - 06:50 AM (#540101) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Crazy Eddie A Scotsman, Italian and Irishman are all having a good time and agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says; "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink,then you buy another drink, then MacDougal himself will buy you your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did this actually happen to you?" |
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02 Sep 01 - 07:46 PM (#540477) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Banjer Three Irish lads are staggering home and singing at the tops of their lungs at three o'clock in the morning. As they pass by one house the shutters open and an irate lady is heard to yell, 'Shut up all that catterwallin' ye bunch of hooligans'. One of the boys calls out, 'Would that be the Missus O'leary bellerin' at us in that tone'. "Yes it is and I'll be thankin' ye to let decent people sleep' 'Well now Missus O'leary', comes the reply, 'If you would be so kind as to tell us which of us is yer husbin', the rest of us will be goin' on'!! |
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02 Sep 01 - 08:12 PM (#540486) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Gloredhel Mruphy goes out to the pub every night. One evening, Mrs. Murphy complained and asked him if he wouldn't spent just one evening with her. "Alright," says Murphy,"If you want to spend an evenin' together, you come to the pub with me." So she went to the pub with him, but since she didn't drink, she didn't know what to order. Murphy ordered a pint o' Guinness, so she asked for just a small glass of the same. Murphy took a big swig from his pint, and Mrs. Murphy took a small sip, but promptly spit it out. "Jay-sus, this is terrible stuff, Murphy! And you come here every night to drink it?" says she. "And all this time you thought I was enjoyin' meself," says he. |
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03 Sep 01 - 06:57 PM (#541063) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST A Scots soldier goes into a pharmacy (chemist's, to those of you across the pond) and walks up to the counter. "May I help you?" says the pharmacist. "Perhaps you can," replies the soldier. He reaches into his bag and pulls out an obviously much-used condom. Pointing to it, he says, "Can you see the tear in it?" "Aye, I can," replies the pharmacist. "Can it be repaired?" "Aye," says the pharmacist. "How much to repair it, then?" asks the soldier. "One shilling." "How much to replace it?" "Two shillings," is the reply. "Thank you very much," says the soldier, and he puts the condom away and leaves. The next day the soldier returns. "May I help you?" says the pharmacist. "Aye, you can," replies the soldier. "The regiment has voted to have it repaired." |
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14 Nov 01 - 06:33 PM (#592787) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Recent notes on Human Logical Capabilities: Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags", and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...... does that mean that 1 out of 5 actually enjoys it? The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 326 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals. He just thinks they need more supervision. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a "whack"? If a pig loses its voice, is it "disgruntled"? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you "put your two cents in", what happens to the other penny? Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a "broker"? When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety-one"? If lawyers are "disbarred" and clergymen "defrocked", doesn't it follow that electricians can be "delighted", and musicians can be "denoted"? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? \Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps, so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? |
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14 Nov 01 - 10:05 PM (#592915) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: katlaughing Thanks to Little John Cameron for this one: Christmas with Louise, long story but very funny. An article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize. CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE . As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year, I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been to an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush Hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house. |
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14 Nov 01 - 11:36 PM (#592946) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Bill D When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to other, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big breasts. |
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15 Nov 01 - 12:39 AM (#592989) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: katlaughing Hmmmm, has Ferrara seen this, BillDee?**BG** |
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15 Nov 01 - 11:29 AM (#593280) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Bill D I'm still typing, ain't I? |
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15 Nov 01 - 02:41 PM (#593433) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Dead Horse *Borrowed* from a cajun web-site:- The Hole in the Ground Boudreaux and Pierre were walking through the woods one day, when Boudreaux grabbed Pierre by the arm pulling him back. Boudreaux says, "Whooee, Pierre, look at dat big hole you almost stepped in!" Pierre looks down into the hole, and says, "Whooee, Boudreaux, dat sure looks like a deep hole. I wonder how deep dat hole goes ?" They find a rock, and throw it into the hole, listening to see how long it will take to hit the bottom. They don't hear nothing. They find a bigger rock and repeat the process, but still don't hear it hit. Pierre notices a railroad tie lying in the bushes, picks it up and throws it into the hole. While they are listening for the railroad tie to hit the bottom, a little billy goat comes running out of the bushes, runs right between them and jumps into the hole. A few minutes later, their friend, Thibodaux comes walking through the bushes. Boudreaux says, "Hey Thibodaux, what you doin' way out here in de woods?" Thibodaux answers, "Well I'm out here looking for my little billy goat." Pierre says, "You want to hear sometin funny, Thibodaux? The strangest ting just happen. A little billy goat just came running out dem bushes, and jumped right in dat deep hole right dere." Thibodaux says, "Oh, dat couldn't have been my billy goat. My goat was tied to a railroad tie back in dose bushes!"
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15 Nov 01 - 07:08 PM (#593641) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amergin Aussie Windows |
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16 Nov 01 - 10:06 AM (#593933) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Bill D Redneck Windows No purty pitchers. |
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16 Nov 01 - 04:07 PM (#594217) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Mrrzy I laughed so loud at Louise and the grandfather that people in neighboring offices were looking out... that is a howl! Thanks! |
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23 Nov 01 - 03:02 AM (#597972) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amergin One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse!" "Amen," replied the congregation. |
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23 Nov 01 - 06:34 AM (#597983) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Fibula Mattock This one is coutrtesy of the landlord at my local: There were these two blokes drinking in the pub, and the barman goes over to them and asks them what they do for a living. "I'm a beekeeper," says the first one. "I keep bees" "Really?" asks the barman. "And how many bees do you have?" "Ten thousand" says the man. "Right. And how many hives do you have for them?" "Ah, five." So the barman turns to the second man and asks "What do you do?" "I'm a beekeeper too" he says. "Ah, your not serious are ya?" says the barman. "Aye," says the second man. "That's how we know each other - we both keep bees." "Well, how many bees do you have?" asks the barman. "About a million," says the second man. "So how many hives have you got?" "One. Fuck 'em." |
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28 Nov 01 - 11:52 PM (#599922) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." Shaquille O'Neal, prior to the Lakers winning the NBA title, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet." Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a losswhat he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, only darker." Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care." Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." |
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12 Dec 01 - 12:32 AM (#608182) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos
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12 Dec 01 - 01:11 AM (#608191) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Giac Amen. |
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12 Dec 01 - 01:45 AM (#608194) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Peter Kasin Good words, Amos! I am reminded of this joke, though: Two old men are sitting on the front porch of a rest home. One asks the other, "Did you and your wife ever have mutual orgasm?" The other pauses for a few seconds, and answers, "No...we had Allstate." |
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17 Dec 01 - 06:29 AM (#611445) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: CarolC A woman came home just in time to find her husband having an affair. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his tally-whacker in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to... cut it off, are you?!"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire." (I didn't write this. I stole it.)
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17 Dec 01 - 06:35 AM (#611448) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Murray MacLeod In that situation, Carol, my MO is to remove the blade from the hacksaw and use the frame as a makeshift vise handle. Much less painful..... Murray |
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17 Dec 01 - 08:01 AM (#611462) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Paul from Hull The al Qaida, finally realising the game is up, abandon Bin Laden in his cave. However, once they all get above ground, they realise that things are looking bleak. They are almost surrounded...the Northern Alliance are approaching, predictably, from the North, U.S. Ground troops are coming from the East, & Westwards up the valley, air attacks are making things so unpleasant that there is no chance of escape that way. Only to the South does there seem any chance, for all they can see that way is some strange thing against the sky over the ridge. As they get closer, they see its a kite, being flown by a lone figure on the crest of the ridge, & there is the sound of Western music from what must be a portable stereo. Incensed by this, many of the al Qaida charge towards the figure, while their Commander & his less reckless troops stand watching, passing a pair of binoculars around... "Is the British...is the S.A.S." they decide, after careful observation, & they watch in amazement as the lone figure continues flying his kite, jigging about to the music, & rubbing a bayonet across his chin, making gestures that look like shaving, towards the charging troops....then he steps back behind the ridge, the kite sill flying high overhead. Over the crest go the charging al Qaida, & there is the sound of considerable gunfire, & cartoon-like, figures are thrown up in the air, indicative of a fierce fight...while the kite just bobs up & down a little, & the music continues, as all other noises subside. Then the same lone figure comes dancing uo to the crest of the ridge again, still flying his kite. More shaving gestures, & the angry commander sends the rest of his men charging up the slope, & stands there with his binoculars, watching this impudent British soldier. As the troops are almost at the top of the ridge, a bearded figure, his turban unravelling, comes crawling back over the ridge,battered, bleeding, & ragged toward the advancing rabble... "Go back, go back" he shouts hoarsely, waving a weary arm. "Go BACK..its a trap..There's TWO of them..." ey thenkyew.....*G* |
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17 Dec 01 - 08:05 AM (#611464) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Paul from Hull ...& Murray...the hacksaw 'frame'...it sounds like you speak from experience? *G* |
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17 Dec 01 - 12:18 PM (#611659) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST Right on, Amos, you old geezer! I assume you're an "old geezer" because all of your posts that I've ever read seem to have the wisdom behind them that only comes from years of experience. Cheers |
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17 Dec 01 - 12:32 PM (#611676) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Micca A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped apackage on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. Theclerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?" |
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17 Dec 01 - 12:48 PM (#611690) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Mrrzy The one about Lou Duva reminds me of a friend who had a lovely country house with a large glassed-in room facing South; he claimed the advantage in the wintertime (and I quote) was that you didn't have to get up at the crack of dawn to see the sun rise. The one about the kite-flyers reminds me of Rory o'the Glen, from I believe either Roger Zelazny or Larry Niven. Very funny! And I especially like the tallywhacker in the vise. There ought to be a Lorena Bobbitt reference in there somewhere... So, OK, not new, but I've been running into people who haven't heard it...this is my favorite sexist joke: |
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17 Dec 01 - 01:08 PM (#611700) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST Ned had this hunting dog he called old Joe. Smart dog was old Joe. Ned was always coming back from hunting with a whole mess of birds. Ned's buddy Sam was curious about Ned's luck, and asked him about it. Ned said, "Why, it's old Joe here that tells me whar all the birds are. He kin count 'em. Sam said, "Uh, huh. Yeah, right. Ain't no dog kin count. Ned says, "C'mon out with me, an' I'll show ya." So they go out real early the next morning. All of a sudden, old Joe stands stock-still, looking at a bush, and barks twice. Ned says, "Thar's two pheasants in that thar bush." Sam says, "C'mon now Ned, you really 'spect me to believe that thar dawg knows 'zactly how many birds'r in thar?" Ned says, "Yep, watch this. He gives the bush a kick, and out flies two pheasants. They come to another bush, and old Joe stops abruptly, stares at the bush and barks four times. Sam says, "Don't tell me. I s'pose thar's four birds in that bush." "Yep", says Ned and gives it a kick, and sure enough, out comes four pheasants. Sam is absolutely amazed. He just has to have that dog. He begs Ned to sell old Joe to him. Ned finally gives in and turns old Joe over for an agreed-upon sum. Two days later, Sam meets up with Ned and demands his money back. Sam says, "Ya' done tricked me. I took that dang dawg out a' huntin' yesterday, an' allovasudden, he sniffs at this bush, starts runnin' all over tarnation, picks up this big' ol' tree branch, comes back at me, jes' a shakin' the dang thang like crazy, and a humpin' on my dang leg. I figgur this here's a mad dawg. Ain't no use to me." Ned says, "Naw, hold on now, Sam. Old Joe ain't crazy. He waz jes' tryin' to tell ya' there waz more f--kin' birds in that bush than you could shake a big stick at." Old Joe was a shaggy dog, by the way. |
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17 Dec 01 - 01:30 PM (#611711) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST,Parent Raising a teenager is like trying to nail jell-o to a tree. |
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17 Dec 01 - 05:11 PM (#611862) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: CarolC Does that happen to you very often, Murray? |
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17 Dec 01 - 06:12 PM (#611924) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Murray MacLeod Paul and Carol, perhaps I should have written, "My suggested MO would be to remove etc etc. Perish the thought that I should ever have to put it into practice .......(what's the emoticon for "wince" ?) Murray
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17 Dec 01 - 07:03 PM (#611969) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Paul from Hull Exactly, mate! *eyes watering* |
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18 Dec 01 - 11:37 AM (#612357) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven only knows where to. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the bag full of toys fell to the ground and scattered them everywhere. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa just cussed on his way to the door, for he surly did not need the interruption at this time. Totally frustrated now, he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?" And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. |
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18 Dec 01 - 11:38 AM (#612358) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos A Guy's Guy The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" |
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16 Jan 02 - 11:19 AM (#628998) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos > An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He > painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of > coffee. > > The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over > there?". The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a > cup > of coffee too. > > The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He > shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. > He > also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over > there?". > The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot > tea > too. > > The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. He swaggered > over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, hows > about > gettin me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant > and > asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the > Redneck > said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke too. > > As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the Irishman and touched him and > said "For your kindness, you are healed. The Irishman felt the strength > come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door. > > Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your > kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening > up > and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back > flips > out the door. > > Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells, > "Hey > man, don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability !" |
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16 Jan 02 - 11:26 AM (#628999) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Good Southern Humor... How do you know when you're staying in a Southern hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead." __________________________________________________ How can you tell if an redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. __________________________________________________ Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. _________________________________________________ What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Texas? A documentary. __________________________________________________ How many rednecks does it take to eat a deer? Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic. __________________________________________________ Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. ________________________________ An Alabama HP pulled over a pickup truck on Highway 2. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says "Bout what?" __________________________________________________ Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
__________________________________________________ Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas? Nearly everyone has the same DNA.
__________________________________________________ Did you hear that Clinton's house in Hope, Burned Down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
__________________________________________________ Two Rednecks are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a bag. When they meet, one says "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guess how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmmmmm . . . five?"
__________________________________________________ What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Texas and a flood in Alabama have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
__________________________________________________ A Redneck came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?" _________________________________________________ Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movies theater in groups of 18 or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
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17 Jan 02 - 02:12 AM (#629530) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Troll Dumb Blondes (?) ------------ A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Fat Theology ------------- And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs. troll
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18 Jan 02 - 03:48 AM (#630280) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: allie kiwi I'd love that last joke if i knew what an HMO was...
Allie |
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18 Jan 02 - 08:22 AM (#630392) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: jeffp HMO=Health Maintenance Organization - a poor way of delivering health care, full of frustration, service denials and waiting.....especially waiting. jeffp |
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18 Jan 02 - 08:38 AM (#630403) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: kendall Paul, have you ever heard Matt McGinn's song about the Roman soldiers and the Highlander? Same plot. |
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18 Jan 02 - 08:45 AM (#630408) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: kendall Investment returns If you bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00 If you bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all of the beer and returned the cans for the nickle deposit, you would have $79.00. Conclusion? Start drinking heavily and recycle. |
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18 Jan 02 - 12:42 PM (#630589) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST,Spot (at the kennels) Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surpise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset because the CD had become precious to me but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it." To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324 "I cannot understand the fiery letters" I said. "No, but I can." he said. "The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:" One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
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22 Jan 02 - 12:23 PM (#633090) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans." Dividing into 10 groups of three,the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "TopTen List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. |
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22 Jan 02 - 01:21 PM (#633141) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Jim Dixon Reminds me of this list of Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom Week which was being circulated as office photocopy-lore long before we all started using the Internet. (I'm too embarrassed to copy and paste.) |
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28 Jan 02 - 08:49 PM (#637498) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos
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29 Jan 02 - 06:58 PM (#638248) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos And for futher wordivore delectation: [This strongly suggests another Washington Post contest, but my source gave no source. MJP] Â AFROPHOBIA Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles (or the Jackson Five). PSEUDONYMHOMANIA Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name. DEJA FLU The feeling that one has had this cold before. HYPOCOINDRIA Fear of not having correct change. HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool. HERPES CINEPLEX Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50. CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER Herbal-tea addiction. VISACARDITIS The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit. ALPOPLEXY Canine feeding disorder. STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME Excessive displays of affection. SONSTROKE An attack during the reading of a will ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien. POST-DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER Formerly David Caruso/Shelley Long Syndrome. RUMBATOID ARTHRITIS Joint stiffness caused by "La Vida Loca." OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk. Regards, A. |
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30 Jan 02 - 05:08 PM (#638896) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos This one had me crying in my keyboard over you.... The Canonical List of Outrageous Country/Western Song Titles/Lines Submitted to HumourNet by Steve Willoughby of the Oracle Service Humor List Augmented by various others, including Laura White "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight?" "Don't Cry On My Shoulders Cause Your Rustin' My Spurs" "Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the Goal posts of Life." "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares." "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?" "How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?" "I Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral." "I Can't Love Your Body if Your Heart's Not In It" "I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling." "I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me" "I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart." "I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine" "I Meant Every Word That He Said" "I Wanna Whip Your Cow" "I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town." "I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yecch!" "I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win" "I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy." "I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him" "I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate our Home." "I'm Just A Bug On The WIndshield of Life." "I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here" "I've Got Four On the Floor and a Fifth Under The Seat" "I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed 'n' Cryin' Over You." "If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You" "If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?" "If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?" "If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low" "If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love" "If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will" "It Takes Me All Night Long To Do, What I Used To Do, All Night Long" "Learning to Live Again is Killing Me." "May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose" "My Every Day Silver Is Plastic" "My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus" "My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him" "Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears, and My Glasses are Slipping Down, but Baby I Can See Through You." "Oh, Lord! It's Hard to be Humble When You're Perfect in Every Way" "Please Bypass This Heart" "She Got the Gold Mine, and I Got the Shaft" "She Got the Ring, I Got the Finger." "She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty" "She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without." "Swing Wide Your Gate of Love" "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone" "There Ain't No Waste in My Baby's Love Canal" "They May Put me in Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face from Breakin' Out." "When the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, you'll Know it's me." "You Can't Deal Me All the Aces and Expect Me Not to Play." "You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd" "You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat." "You're Ruining my Bad Reputation." "You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly" "I'm Just a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love" "Tennis Must be Your Racket Because Love Means Nothing to You" |
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15 Feb 02 - 01:17 PM (#650916) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST,Uberzole ========================================================================== In case you're confused about what might have gone on last night... ] ========================================================================== CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that,as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . .so that means it was. . . let's see. . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means. . . lemme check the odometer. . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. COMMUNICATIONS GAP And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their. . . "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. 'Maybe I should never have. . . Oh God, I feel so. . . " (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that. . . It's that I. . . I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. A BEFUDDLED BEAU (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) IT'S ANALYSIS TIME The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?" -- Robert F. Dailey |
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19 Feb 02 - 10:31 AM (#653363) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST,Galen Why men aren't secretaries:
Husband's note to wife on refrigerator: Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said Pabst beer is normal. |
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19 Feb 02 - 11:28 AM (#653390) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Johnny Squints classic: Guy walks into a bar, and sees that there's a huge jar of money in back of the bartender. He gets a little curious, and asks "Hey man, what's the money for?" "You see that man over there?" the bartender replies, "well, he's a betting man. Likes to keep all his money over here. I wouldn't go against him, though: never seen him lose." And so, the guy sits down, has another seven drinks or so, and eventually stumbles over to the guy that the bartender pointed to. "Hey, man," he says "I heard you're a betting man. What do you gamble on?" "You see that window over there?" The guy with the money says, "I'll bet you that I can jump out that window, do a backflip, and bounce up quicker than you can." "Are you crazy?!" Says the first guy, "It's seven stories down!" "Those are my stakes. Take 'em or leave 'em." The first guy thinks for a while. "OK, I agree. But you have to go first." So, the guy with the money jumps out the window, does four backflips, and bounces back up, all in under half a minute. The first guy is flabbergasted, but it's already been done, so he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and jumps. He falls seven stories, screaming, to a terribly ugly death. The bartender looks at the second guy as he's putting the money in the jar, and says "Superman, you're an asshole."
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19 Feb 02 - 12:00 PM (#653418) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Bill D So, two Psychiatrists meet on the street.
"Hi, there" says #1, as they pass.
So, two Psychiatrists meet on the street. "Well," says the first..."You're fine, how am I?" |
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20 Feb 02 - 11:00 AM (#654006) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Pied Piper A woman went into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre so he gave here one. |
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02 Mar 02 - 01:41 PM (#661398) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won. "Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea! I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of junk sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. "Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. "I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. "Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my dry chamber decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I get in the chamber. "The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for 2 days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt."
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02 Mar 02 - 04:23 PM (#661488) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: CarolC This is pretty funny...
Go here. When you hear the baby laughing, start moving your mouse around on your screen. Move it around a lot. Try swinging it wide, and then move it around in circles. You'll be glad you did. |
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03 Mar 02 - 02:36 PM (#661937) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Mickey191 Jane & Tarzan meet, after a few days she asks what he does for sex. He points to a knothole in a tree and says I use that. Jane lays down and says Come over here, I'll show you the right way.She explains what he is to do, and he agrees. Suddenly he punches her in the stomach. She says, Why did you do that? He says, "I always check for bees first." |
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03 Mar 02 - 05:26 PM (#662054) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Uncle_DaveO Carol C: I get no sound. I see the kid laughing and having a good time, but no sound. And yes, my sound card and speakers work just fine. Dave Oesterreich |
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03 Mar 02 - 06:43 PM (#662093) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: CarolC That's weird Dave. I get the sound of a baby laughing. But you can still get some fun out of it if you move the mouse around. I don't know how they did this, but it's pretty interesting. |
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04 Mar 02 - 12:07 AM (#662239) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Elf A man walks into a bar. Ouch! Two men walk into a bar. I'd have thought the second man would have seen it. |
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04 Mar 02 - 05:30 AM (#662324) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Nigel Parsons Abraham takes his son to the rabbi for ritual circumcision. The rabbi opens his drawer, and takes out a scalpel to perform the op. Abraham is a little concerned to notice that the scalpel does not gleam, and queries the rabbi. "That's right" says the rabbi "It's made of wood, Juniper wood!" After the op, Abraham asks the rabbi why he continues the practice, rather than leaving it to a doctor. "Ah!" says the rabbi, "The pay may not be good, but I get to keep the tips". Having, finally, understood the first two replies, Abraham asks what god the tips might be. The rabbi shows him a small purse made from half a dozen foreskins sewn together. Abraham then points out that it is rather a lot of trouble to go to just for a purse. The rabi replies "Yes, but if you rub it, it's a suitcase!" |
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04 Mar 02 - 02:10 PM (#662599) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST,Hamshank This gal had been married for a few years, and she was getting fed up with her husband's complete lack of interest in sex. She decided she was going to do something about it, once and for all. She remembered having seen some crotchless panties in a lingerie store awhile back, and thought maybe they'd do the trick. So she went and bought herself a pair. One night, she was feeling particularly amorous, and her husband was in front of the TV as usual, oblivious to everything else. She went and took a shower, got all freshened up and pretty, put on her crotchless panties, sauntered into the livingroom and got between her husband and the TV. She put her foot up on the arm of his chair, leaving everything to view, and said, "Want some of this, tiger?" He said, "Are you kiddin' me? Look what it did to your underwear!" |
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04 Mar 02 - 02:36 PM (#662605) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Mrrzy What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty! |
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05 Mar 02 - 02:01 PM (#663173) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Micca A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse were he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied. "No, I won't." Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool. See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh !" "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you." |
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05 Mar 02 - 02:10 PM (#663181) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: The Walrus at work Two nuns are driving through Transylvania at night when a vampire lands in the road ahead of them. One nun turns to her companion "Quick, Sister, Show him your cross" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts "Oi, you! Bugger off!" No one said they had to be funny Walrus |
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05 Mar 02 - 03:23 PM (#663226) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Jim Krause Dead Horse reminds me of another Cajun story One hot summer day, Boudreaux decides a cold beer would be just the thing. So he goes down to Isidore's Pub to have a beer. So Boudreaux is sipping his beer, and Isidore says to him "Hey Boudreaux, how many doors you think I got in dis place?" Boudreaux says "Why Isidore, ev'rybody knows you only got two doors, a front door an' a back door." Isidore says "Bet you five bucks I got four doors." Boudreaux says "OK, lay your money down. You got a front door an' a back door." And Boudreaux starts to reach for Isidore's five dollars. "Not so fast, Boudreaux. I got a front door an' a back door, dat's two." "Right. So gimme dat five dollah." "Oh, no. What's my name?" asks Isidore. "Why ev'rybody knows it's Isidore." says Boudreaux. "An that brass spitoon, ain't that a cuspidore?" inquires Isidore. "Dat's four doors, front door, back door, Isidore, and cuspidore." says Isidore triumphantly, and takes Boudreaux's five dollars. "By dam, I never thought of that. I'm gonna try that on Thibodeaux when I see him." It wasn't three minutes later when Thibodeaux walks in. "Hey Thibodeaux, how many doors you think Isidore has in here?" says Boudreaux. "Why Boudreaux, ev'rybody knows he's only got but the front door and the back door." "Bet you five dollars he got four doors." says Boudreaux. So Thibodeaux lays his money down without a word. "Now," says Boudreaux, "he's got a front door and a back door, that's two." And Thibodeaux strats to reach for the money. "Not so fast, Thibodeaux. What's his name?" "It's Isidore." "Ain't that a door?" says Boudreaux. "And that....that....that.....that damn spitoon done cost me ten dollah today!" |
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07 Mar 02 - 10:12 AM (#664174) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Uncle_DaveO How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter. The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans- dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'. Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). Independent studies have also shown that beer goggles frequently cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. Now we all know... |
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07 Mar 02 - 04:42 PM (#664523) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. "A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well." |
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07 Mar 02 - 11:13 PM (#664808) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Disorder in the court
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent, don't miss the last one. |
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08 Mar 02 - 02:08 PM (#665212) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Jim Krause A rabbi, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar. And the barkeep asked, "What is this, some kind of joke?" Jim |
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08 Mar 02 - 02:45 PM (#665241) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Justa Picker Not appropriate for children...or those easily offended. PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN 8:15 am : Wake up to hugs and kisses. 8:30 am : Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday 8:45 am : Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 am : Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 am : Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 am : Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00 pm : Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 12:45 pm : Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 1:00 pm : Shopping with friends. 3:00 pm : Nap. 4:00 pm : A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 4:15 pm : Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 5:30 pm : Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 7:30 pm : Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 10:00 pm : Hot shower. Alone. 10:30 pm : Make love. 11:00 pm : Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling 11:15 pm : Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN 6:00 am : Alarm. 6:15 am : Blowjob. 6:30 am : Massive dump while reading the sports section. 7:00 am : Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and tea. 7:30 am : Limo arrives. 7:45 am : Bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15 am : Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 am : Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 am : Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 11:30 am : Blowjob 11:45 am : Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 pm : Blowjob. 12:30 pm : Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 2:15 pm : Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 2:20 pm : Blowjob 2:30 pm : Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 3:15 pm : Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 4:15 pm : Blowjob. 4:30 pm : Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs. 5:00 pm : Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel. 7:00 pm : Watch Sportscenter. 7:30 pm : Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20oz. New York strip sirloin. 9:00 pm : Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar. 10:00 pm : Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs. 11:00 pm : Massage and Jacuzzi. 11:45 pm : Go to bed. 11:46 pm : One last blowjob. 11:59 pm : Let loose a 14 second, fluctuating 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 12:00 am : Laugh yourself to sleep. |
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08 Mar 02 - 04:33 PM (#665322) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Spaw's dogs are trained -- they never leave the room!! A. |
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09 Mar 02 - 03:08 PM (#665841) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Uncle_DaveO "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as I did."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"
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10 Mar 02 - 12:20 PM (#666318) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos LOL!! For the benefit of those who have slower connections this thread is continued in Chapter III of Humor Us, found by clicking on the link just provided. Regards, A |
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10 Mar 02 - 12:22 PM (#666319) Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Mickey191 OLD Jewish lady walking from her job in the NY garment district. Young man in a raincoat approaching her, whips open the coat to expose himself. As he passe she says, "Lousy Lining." I love that joke. |
