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27 Nov 01 - 05:52 PM (#598809) Subject: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Intrigued by the current flood of invective against Jay Leno for his unfortunate remarks about the French teaching the Taliban surrender techniques, I would be interested to read any examples of jokes which are really funny and politically correct at the same time. I fully anticipate this thread being one of the shortest in Mudcat history. Murray |
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27 Nov 01 - 06:26 PM (#598835) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Mr Red Political correctness is it not black humour? Oh s**t is that non PC? |
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27 Nov 01 - 06:32 PM (#598842) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Bill D only 'jokes' which play on silliness of children or on gentle embarassments...etc..seem to be totally safe, and they are seldom really funny. |
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27 Nov 01 - 06:35 PM (#598844) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Bill D but...try this one: The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left at home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me." |
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27 Nov 01 - 06:40 PM (#598848) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Gareth Actually going the rounds in the "Royal Oak" tonight was the following :- "I see the fighting in Afghanistan is over" "Why" "The French are commiting troops" Gareth Sorry - tribal memories are long this side of the Pond. |
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27 Nov 01 - 06:41 PM (#598851) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Sorry Bill, but that joke is totally unacceptable, this child obviously requires counselling urgently, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she hasn't suffered serious abuse at the hands of all the male members of the family, and I would be much obliged if you would cease making fun of children with serious psychological problems.......... Murray
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27 Nov 01 - 06:47 PM (#598859) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Bill D ok, Murray...I do see your point! Poor kid...and I was holding him up to ridicule!... so...how about this?: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh! Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone," he responded. |
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27 Nov 01 - 06:56 PM (#598866) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: DonMeixner Murray aren't you assuming the child was a girl? |
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27 Nov 01 - 07:10 PM (#598880) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Jeez, Bill, how sexist can you get ? Pandering to the role stereotyping of males only being interested in beer, and women spending all their time in vapid chat on the telephone ? Sorry, I want POLITICALLY CORRECT !! (But keep them coming anyway, ROTFL here ....And yes, I did rather assume the child was female, didn't I ?) Murray |
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27 Nov 01 - 07:20 PM (#598892) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Amos A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. |
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27 Nov 01 - 07:30 PM (#598895) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST,HippieChick This is a cut and paste from www.folkmusic.com which is John McCutcheon's website. He's really on target with this one. Talkin' Tinkie Winkie Words & music by John McCutcheon Work version (2/21/99) There's no melody—it's a talking blues... Let me tell you all a story Though I'm sure you've heard If you've paid the least attention Then you've gotten the word About the latest in America's Favorite mix: I'm talking Politics, religion and sex Yeah boy, brought many a dinner party, talk show, and federal government to a grinding halt It seems that there's a preacher that's Spending his days Channel surfing searching for Signs of gays And he's just uncovered something That the rest of us missed Aimed at two year olds And the guy is pissed We're talking televised brain washing directly from Gay Control Central...plus it's British! Those fairies! Teletubbies, Tinkie Winkie, You know the deal He's purple, he's gay And I say, "Get real!" The color's pink, Jerry And he's further news: If he's gay his purse would Surely match his shoes And you've got the wrong message It seems to me The question is Why should two year olds be watching TV? But I know you've got a lot of Witch-hunting to do So I thought I'd help you out 'Cause you missed a few: like: —Fred & Barney: remember the song? "We'll have a gay old time"? —Donald Duck: "never wore any pants...spent a little too much time w/all those nephews, don't you think?" —Batman & Robin: wealthy single guy and younger man living in that big mansion, leading a double life, lots of tights and capes. Come on... —Uncle Sam: he's your uncle, he wants you. —and, of course, the Purple One himself: Barney "I love you, you love me"... Gay. See, what I can't figure Are his days so free That he can waste 'em watching All that kid's TV We'd all be better off If you'd just begin Preaching love and compassion Instead of trolling for sin |
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27 Nov 01 - 07:31 PM (#598898) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: katlaughing Oh, yeah, and the car just had to be female and be "opened up" didn't it! LOL!! These are old ones, youse guys, gotta come up with some new and improved!! |
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27 Nov 01 - 07:40 PM (#598906) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod You are right kat, I should have caught that one ! Cars do tend to be thought of as female don't they? I suppose it's the way they purr gently when they're being restrained .............. Murray (TIC) |
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27 Nov 01 - 07:43 PM (#598908) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: ddw I always thought political correctness was the biggest joke around.... david |
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27 Nov 01 - 08:26 PM (#598941) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Thanks there Hippie Chick....Can't believe I hadn't heard that one! Love talkin' blues....... Let's see, a totally non-offensive joke, reality based so only the truth is apparent which cannot be disputed or taken for slander............ Completely average human being with female genitalia lifts the kilt of a Scotsman and says, "Your cock and balls are microscopic! Are all Scotsmen like that?" "Yes," replies the Scotsman, "We're quite thrifty." Not exceedingly funny, but certainly meets the politically correct definition! Spaw |
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27 Nov 01 - 08:40 PM (#598952) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jim Dixon How did people measure hailstones before golf balls were invented? How did people discuss matters of rudeness and bad taste before the term "politically correct" was invented? And what was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread? |
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27 Nov 01 - 08:44 PM (#598954) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Little Hawk They compared them to the headman's testicles. They used to say: "It's an outrage!" "It's unconscionable!" and things like that... Olive oil. - LH |
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27 Nov 01 - 08:46 PM (#598955) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 In answer to your questions Jim........ How did people measure hailstones before golf balls were invented? They used my balls instead and hail was a lot bigger back then too! How did people discuss matters of rudeness and bad taste before the term "politically correct" was invented? Politcally Incorrect was once known as "Non-Spawistic Phrasing." And what was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread? I think it was perforated toilet paper. Spaw |
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27 Nov 01 - 09:20 PM (#598993) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Sorcha Aahhhaaaaa, hahhhahha, ROFLMAO here!! There are no P.C. jokes that are funny; that's an oxymoron. I've never heard that particular McCutcheon before, but I can hear him doing it............ The Greatest Thing before sliced bread was Canned Ham, wasn't it? Ball sized hail stones.....eeeehhhaaa. The Scots had to invent the "golf ball sized" to stop the equating of hail to balls........eeeehhh.....I have to stop............Blue Ribbon Thread!! |
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27 Nov 01 - 10:08 PM (#599026) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) Jerry F. missed a few. How about My Old Kentucky Home, Good Night? "'Tis summer, the darkies are gay." The DT has politically and morally correct 1st and 3rd verses but missed making a correction to the 2nd. My! My! These references to gays must be expunged! (Under the changed title Old Kentucky Home) |
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27 Nov 01 - 10:19 PM (#599036) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull What do yew get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A=A wooly jumper. |
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27 Nov 01 - 10:20 PM (#599037) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Mary in Kentucky I'm not really in this thread... RE: My Old Kentucky Home started out, The Darkies are gay. Then it became Everyone's gay. Now it's, The children are gay. |
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27 Nov 01 - 10:23 PM (#599038) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Why not "Most of those in attendance are in a generally happy mood?" Or does that present a big problem in scanning? Spaw |
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27 Nov 01 - 10:24 PM (#599040) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Spaw, I laughed out loud at that Scotsman "joke". And you are right, it isn't remotely funny , but it still made me laugh. Maybe I am suffering from stress after all. Murray |
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27 Nov 01 - 10:27 PM (#599043) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Yep.....Sure sign of stress Murray! Take two hailstones and call me in the morning. Spaw |
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27 Nov 01 - 10:29 PM (#599049) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Sorcha Hell with that. Just eat Mountain Oysters and call it a day. |
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27 Nov 01 - 10:47 PM (#599056) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) Sauer Kraut! Do-Wop! Spic and Span! Cold Turkey! Dutch treat! We have only begun to cleanse. Clean language, clean mind! (Don't mention the b--y). |
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27 Nov 01 - 11:31 PM (#599096) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Sorcha Spam....................fried. baked. boiled. breaded. casseroled. with eggs. nuff said, eh? ooowwwwccchhh! Doan DO that!! |
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27 Nov 01 - 11:36 PM (#599100) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Little Hawk Okay... A (physically descriptive term ommitted) person of no observable gender or nationality walks into a bar. He, she or it says to the bartender, "Hey didja hear the one about the (omitted)(excised)(not acceptable word) who (verb removed) his/her/its (word removed)?" "Well it may have looked like he/she/it was (action deleted), but he/she/it was actually (censored)-ing a parrot!" "Oh," says the bartender. "So does my brother!" Pretty damn funny, eh? And it doesn't offend anyone at all...does it? - LH |
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27 Nov 01 - 11:57 PM (#599112) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST Hi Little Hawk, I happen to be that bartender's brother, and let me tell you that I find that very offensive. I never did that, and anyway the big lug promised not to tell anyone! Surely it is OK to tell jokes about animals? They can't write to their TDs/ MPs/ Congressperson to complain. So this kid went into a petshop and asked to buy a pet wasp. "Son, we don't sell wasps." was the reply. "Sure you do," said the kid, " you had two in the window yesterday!" |
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27 Nov 01 - 11:59 PM (#599114) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST Guest? Guest???? The above post WRT wasps in window belongs to Crazy Eddie who seems to have lost his cookie! Eddie |
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28 Nov 01 - 12:04 AM (#599117) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) I'm nobody's pet WASP! |
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28 Nov 01 - 12:09 AM (#599123) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: katlaughing Totally offensive to men everywhere, Spaw. Those are no "cock and balls!" Please! Refer to them using the anatomically correct terms: take yer pick er....I mean choose one. |
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28 Nov 01 - 12:48 AM (#599146) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Rick Fielding OK Murray, just because it's you, I'm gonna create a hilarious Politically correct joke for you. Yes, as we speak..I mean right now... Um, um,.... One dark rainy night a travelling sales person arrives at a farmhouse. The farmperson opens the door. "Well good evenin' there young worker, I'd be proud to put you up for the night but I'm afraid you'll have to share a bed with my progeny". No problem, says the sales person...if you don't mind two units of the same species sharin' a bed. At that point the Farmperson's progeny arrives and the salesperson can't take their eyes off two of the most amazing non-gender specific attributes. The progeny says "Parent,....... Ahh hell, it IS too hard, forget it Murray. Rick |
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28 Nov 01 - 01:08 AM (#599161) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Sorcha It was a sheep, right Rick?..........VUUN............(Velcro Users Unite Now)......bad, Sorch, bad. Real bad. Go to bed now. |
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28 Nov 01 - 08:32 AM (#599276) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Gary T I don't believe this joke would be personally offensive to any person or group, although I could see where some particularly sensitive types might find it a tasteless thing to joke about. Still, I think it's funny, so screw 'em. A statistician read in his copy of "Statistics Monthly" that the odds of being on a commercial airplane that had a bomb on board were one in thousand, and the odds of being on a plane that had two bombs on board were one in ten million. So every time he flew, he carried a bomb. |
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28 Nov 01 - 10:04 AM (#599342) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Wolfgang Gary, the way you tell that old joke gives it a completely new twist which made me smile. In the trad. version the odds for being in a plane with two bombs is one instead of ten million which means that the two incidents (one bomb carried, another bomb carried) are completely independent. The laugh in the trad. version is on the stupid statistician who wrongly thinks that he can influence something by carrying out an act that is completely independent of that something. In the new (ten million) version the two incidents (one bomb carried, another bomb carried) are interdependent in a very curious way, namely that the probability of a second bomb being on board under the condition that a first one is on board is much smaller than can be expected by chance alone. Kind of bombs repelling each other. With this scenario, carrying a bomb that is under my control actually lowers the rsik that another bomb is on board and therefore is a completely rational action. In this version, the laugh is on those who wrongly consider the statistician's action irrational. This is the version I would expect to read in a 'Statistics Monthly' for it creatively changes the target of the joke from statisticians to non-statisticians by just changing three letters. That's their crooked way of thinking. Wolfgang |
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28 Nov 01 - 10:33 AM (#599356) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: LR Mole A person/thing goes somewhere where he/she/it receives an impression that certain bits of information are accurate. However, this is wrong. Everyone smiles politely. |
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28 Nov 01 - 10:49 AM (#599363) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Guessed Spaw Sliced bread tastes better than TP, just. the best thing since SB - has to be the Mudcat Cafe Spam spam spam spam spam, spam spam............... no spam at the MC though, spam is OFF. How many martians does it take to........ - none - there are no martians is that PC or what? |
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28 Nov 01 - 11:29 AM (#599384) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: mousethief Two persons of an unmistakeable but undisclosed social, ethnic, or gender group walk into a bar. The third person, being of a different social, ethnic, or gender group, ducks. -- A person of no particular gender, ethnic, or social group is riding a motorcycle. The shirt on this person's back reads, and I quote, "If you can read this, then the person who was riding behind me, whose value as a companion I am ambivalent about, has fallen off somewhere along the way." -- A person who speaks a second language with an accent which gives away that person's primary language, says something in the second language which is ambiguous due to the aforementioned accent, and can be taken sexually while not meant that way by the person uttering it, in such a place or at such a time that a sexual utterance is socially embarassing. -- This is too hard. Why do kilts fasten with safety pins? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away. Alex |
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28 Nov 01 - 11:41 AM (#599400) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Wolfie, You're the only guy I know who can get a chuckle out of a joke through analyzing the damn thing! LOL.......Geez man, does anything ever just crack you up for no reason....or some stupid reason that you don't want to admit? Well, in any case, you cracked me up!!! I luvya' man!!! Spaw |
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28 Nov 01 - 05:09 PM (#599651) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jim Dixon LittleHawk, Spaw, and others: I enjoy your comments, but you kind of missed my point when I asked "How did people discuss matters of rudeness and bad taste before the term 'politically correct' was invented?" What I really want to know is, "How did people accused of rudeness and bad taste defend themselves before…?" I eagerly await your response. |
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28 Nov 01 - 05:17 PM (#599656) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST wolfgang, I think you may have dropped a "million" along the way (product of 2 independent events). always check your math |
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28 Nov 01 - 05:19 PM (#599659) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Clinton Hammond I'm with Dave... PC is bad joke enough... |
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28 Nov 01 - 06:09 PM (#599700) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jack the Sailor Politically and historicaly correct version of Mr. Leno's joke. The French have answered Mr. Bush's request and agree to send troops to Afghanistan. It is generally thought that these troops will be unsuitable and only fit to teach the Taleban to surrender because sixty years ago the French and British armies were overrun by the German Blitzkreig and while remnants of the British Army barely escaped accross the channel at Dunkirk. It should be noted that although it was apparant and inevitable that at some point the USA would be drawn into this conflict, that country chose to bravely wait at home for Germany to increase its hold on the resources of Europe, making the fight all the more difficult.
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28 Nov 01 - 06:15 PM (#599707) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Mmm some valiant attempts here, and I am amazed the thread has lasted this long. Rick, you were doing sooo well ........perseverance, that's what it is all about. Alex, I have to correct your fallacious statement that kilts fasten with safety pins. The kilt doesn't fasten at all, making it faster still for the kind of special operations which we are sometimes called upon to perform while roaming the heather. The kilt-pin (which can sometimes resemble a large safety pin ), is inserted in the outer layer of the kilt, and does not fasten the garment in the way one might expect. Wolfgang, I can see now why none of the new wave of comedians list "Statistics Monthly" among their big influences .......... But as a result of your post I am going to suggest to President Bush that airlines issue a bomb to each and every passenger as they board. That should render the probability of an unauthorized bomb to somewhere near zero. And I agree that Gary T's version was funny. And, I think it probably is a politically correct joke, recent events notwithstanding. Murray |
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28 Nov 01 - 06:20 PM (#599713) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: mousethief Boy, take all the fun out of a lame joke why don'tcha. Alex |
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28 Nov 01 - 06:26 PM (#599722) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jack the Sailor Murray MacLeod I think there are thousands of politically correct jokes out there. If we were honestly tying to find such jokes it would be easy to find hundreds and even easier to clean up some existing jokes. It takes a little more effort but I think it is worth it. |
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28 Nov 01 - 06:51 PM (#599745) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Jack, I thought it was funnier the way Jay Leno told it. And Alex, your joke was funny. Strange thing is that in Scotland we always tell these sheep-shagging jokes about the Welsh ...... Murray |
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28 Nov 01 - 07:01 PM (#599751) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Okay Murray.....In my lifelong quest to sup at the dogdish of all knowledge, what the hell good is a pin that fastens to the outer layer of a kilt? Not knowing is killing me and if you'll enlighten me I'll see if I can get an extra special discount on a Gordon Bok Fan with the Cookie Duster HEPA filter and the Downeast Crapper Whapper and the switch that allows it to turn on toward morning. JIM DIXON.....I have no idea Jim, and as someone of bad taste, I should know!!! More to learn, more to learn............ Spaw |
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28 Nov 01 - 07:05 PM (#599755) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Gareth Murray - At least we admit our relations with sheep. Gareth |
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28 Nov 01 - 07:07 PM (#599757) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Teresa What do you call two lesbians on a bus? Passengers. |
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28 Nov 01 - 07:07 PM (#599758) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: alison There were three men all from varying cultures and ethinic backgrounds, all strangely enough christened Paddy, who walked into a bar................. nope I give up
slainte alison |
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28 Nov 01 - 07:15 PM (#599765) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: AliUK Im not even going to try to come up with a PC joke! I mean...whats the point? spaw the pin is to prod the sheep to see if it still alive in the morning. |
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28 Nov 01 - 07:16 PM (#599766) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Teresa Hey, Alison, I remember hearing Mick Maloney's version of a song about an Irish immigrant to the States named Kelly, who was going around a large city looking for relatives. He asked people of all different ethnic backgrounds if they knew any Kellys and they all said their names were Kelly. |
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28 Nov 01 - 07:21 PM (#599774) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Spaw, I agree with you, what good is a pin that doesn't fasten? Its function is purely decorative, it is just one of these things. Sartorially it would be a faux pas of the grossest sort to actually fasten your kilt with the pin. (NB correct application of split infinitive there btw) It is like the "sghian dhu" (sp?) the knife, or "dirk" which we wear tucked into our "hose" (knee length socks), when we wear the kilt. This is purely ceremonial nowadays, although it had a functional origin, being used in days of yore to gut, or "gralloch" deer, and to dispatch stray Englishmen. Murray
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28 Nov 01 - 08:01 PM (#599801) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Amos |
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28 Nov 01 - 08:20 PM (#599818) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod No more nihilist jokes please, Amos Murray |
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28 Nov 01 - 09:08 PM (#599844) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Bill D let's see if this makes PC ...but it many NOT be funny enuf! 3 buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" |
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28 Nov 01 - 09:16 PM (#599849) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Made me laugh Bill ! Maybe there are politically correct jokes which are funny as well, after all. Murray |
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28 Nov 01 - 11:55 PM (#599926) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Amos Sorry, Murray. How about this one: What is the sound of one person laughing? |
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28 Nov 01 - 11:55 PM (#599927) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Little Hawk Jim Dixon - ""How did people accused of rudeness and bad taste defend themselves before…?" Well, if I can go by historical novels, cowboy films, etc...they usually responded with further rudeness and bad taste, verbal abuse, fisticuffs, gunplay, and other forms of mindless violence, including frequent duels, carefully organized ahead of time, with seconds and surgeon standing by. Alexander Hamilton was an unfortunately fatal casualty of one such duel, due to the acrimonious relations between him and Aaron Burr. I always liked Hamilton better. What a bummer. - LH |
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29 Nov 01 - 01:10 AM (#599980) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Rick Fielding A man of no specific nationality wearing a checked dress-like form of apparal walks into a chemist's shop. He asks the chemist-person in a rather heavy but non prejudicial accent if he may have a latex safe-sex device (which we all should use) repaired. The Chemist-person recoils in horror at the man's request*. "I think you should buy a new one" he/she says. The man in the dress-like form of apparal exits the store, only to return the next day. "After careful consideration, the war mongering running dog Militarist oppressing cartel I belong to has decided to have the item replaced"! *although not because he/she feels that the man should be censured for displaying any National characteristics of fiscal pucilamity. Rick |
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29 Nov 01 - 01:23 AM (#599991) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Rick, I think that is very funny but it is only funny because I know the original joke. And I may as well tell you now that we are not going to rest until all anti-Scottish jokes have been eliminated, They may hide in caves they may hide in canyons, but rest assured we will find them. And we will destroy them. We will also cut off their financial lifelines, no more Simpsons stereotypes, no more Mike Myers. God Bless America Murray
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29 Nov 01 - 02:12 AM (#600003) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Tone d' F 1st cow:- Moo 2nd cow:- Moo 1st cow:- Moo 2nd cow:- Moo Moo 1st cow:- Don't change the subject sorry just a load of bull realy |
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29 Nov 01 - 06:24 AM (#600070) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Wolfgang Well, Spaw, I sometimes get my laughs in a different way than others. I remember the night when a writer was reading from his new book and I was laughing out loud when he was reading something like 'the small cold sickle of the new moon shed not much light when we went home shortly after midnight'. They all turned to me and I think nobody knew why I was laughing. I often like 'twisted' jokes better than the original version. Here's one I always tell when the lecture about human errors comes. (I think I can transport the double/single meaning of the relevant word into English) I first tell the original version ("solely for didactical reasons" I say and my grin tells I'm lying): A man had erectile dysfunction and none of the conventional doctors could help. So he went to this alternative nutrition analysist who told him that eating a lot of whole wheat brown bread would cure his limpness. The man by now was ready to try anything and went into the bakery and said: "Give me three loafs of brown bread please." The seller says: "THREE loafs!!! Aren't you afraid half of it gets hard?" "O.K., give me six loafs then."
This was Elisabeth's joke, she could tell it perfect and we had heard it often for she loved to retell it when a new person came into our group. But we never laughed as hard as we did when one day she told this version (and I retell it "for didactical reasons only" to the audience): I just love jokes gone wrong in the telling. GUEST Date: 28-Nov-01 - 05:17 PM, I have checked the math, I don't see any error. Wolfgang |
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29 Nov 01 - 06:24 AM (#600071) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST,Stavanger Bill A man/woman who has always wanted a parrot, finally manages to acquire one that is a guaranteed talker. The parrot is delivered to the house, settles in and from that point forth proceeds to F and Blind about the place in a most profuse and obscene manner. The new owner puts this down to the parrot's previous environment and attempts to change the parrot's behaviour and language by talking to it nicely, playing soothing music and never raising his/her voice. This has absolutely no effect the parrot blithly continues as before. The owner finally reaches the point of complete frustration, grabs the parrot, gives it a damn good shaking and throws it in the freezer to teach it a lesson. Standing by the freezer the parrot could be heard scrambling about inside, this is interrupted by a loud squawk followed by complete silence. The owner suddenly thinks - Hell's teeth! I've just paid over two thousand pounds for that bird and I might have killed it. On opening the freezer door the parrot hops out onto the outstretched arm of the owner and climbs up to sit on the owner's shoulder. As the owner looks at the parrot, the parrot says, "I really do think that I owe you an apology. It's obvious that my language and general behaviour have upset you tremendously and by way of redress I can only offer you my most sincere apologies and my promise that as of now I will definately change my ways." The owner accepts the parrot's apology and they agree to start from scratch. After a couple of minutes, the parrot nibbles the owner's ear and says, "Excuse me but can I ask you a question". "Yes, certainly! Of course you can" Replies the owner. Then the parrot asks,"Would you mind telling me what the chicken did to upset you." For Murray, According to one explanation I've heard. The Skien Dhu translated from gaelic means dark knife. No Highlander could ever be totally unarmed, and the Skien Dhu was traditionally a secret (concealled) weapon, which he would hide on his person. No Clan Chieftan could refuse an audience to any member, or broken man, of his clan. The only condition was that the person requesting the audience had to divest himself of his weapons. But no Highlander could be totally unarmed, so to satisfy all requirements, the person requesting the audience was shown into a room where he would remove all his weapons, take the Skien Dhu from it's normal place of concealment and place it in the top of his hose. The Chieftan would be armed during the audience and would know exactly where the only other person in the room's weapon was. The significance of wearing a Skien Dhu in the top of your hose is that you come in peace, intending no ill-will to any person present. Bit of a bastard though if having gone through all that rigmaroll your right knee starts to itch. |
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29 Nov 01 - 11:06 AM (#600209) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jack the Sailor Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here." ¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ Crazy Laws ----------- In Temperance, MS, you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers. In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses. In Kansas City, KS, saying the name "George Washington" without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents. In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery. An old statute in Flint, MI, compels dentists to offer a slug of whiskey with no additional charge to said patient. The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name San Francisco. It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year. In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life. In Salzburg, Germany, any child born on August 18th must be tested for possible witchcraft. This is due to a local legend that an evil warlock was born on that day in 1638. ¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ His mother was now living in Miami Beach, and the young man didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called. "Ma, what do you think of the bird?" "The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer." "You ate the bird?!? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!" "Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?" ¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I." ¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive." I asked, "What's the difference?" He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education." ¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ A father is In church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The five-year-old was taken by the whole procedure of pouring water over the infant's head... With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and whispered, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby? ¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo." The bartender gives him a tall, ice-cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says, "I'll have a waterloo too.'" The bartender gives him a tall, ice-cold drink. He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water ! " The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it IS water...right Lou?" ¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, l've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "Look, I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" |
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29 Nov 01 - 12:07 PM (#600260) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST There are 3 kinds of people in the world: those who can do math, and those who can't... |
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29 Nov 01 - 12:27 PM (#600284) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Wolfgang I LOVE IT!! and Jack....thanks for several laughs too! Spaw |
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29 Nov 01 - 01:40 PM (#600346) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jack the Sailor A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?" Wah Wah wah wah wah...... |
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29 Nov 01 - 03:49 PM (#600461) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: mousethief Teresa, that's offensive. You're saying lesbians can't drive a bus. I know plenty of lesbian bus drivers, and they would all be shocked and offended by your joke. Alex |
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29 Nov 01 - 04:24 PM (#600492) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST,Les/ Manchester uk I guess the real challenge is to tell a political/social joke that is PC and still funny. Jokes are more and less funny according to context, the teller (or crackist?)and the audience. Jewish comedians with a majority Jewish audience can have the audience laugh at life and itself with a joke that would not work in another context. I bate (but gently) Irish friends and sound PC friends with: Why are Irish jokes simple? So that the English can understand them! It generally works but I don't think it would work with English people expecting an 'Irish Joke'
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29 Nov 01 - 07:55 PM (#600590) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: ddw Teresa, I think your joke about two lesbians on a bus is appallingly sexist! What! You think just because they're women, they are automatically in the passive role? Obviously one might be the driver. Shame on you! ;>) David |
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29 Nov 01 - 08:08 PM (#600596) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Guest wrote" "There are 3 kinds of people in the world: those who can do math, and those who can't..." Now that is funny, but why is it funny ? I gave always understood that conventional psychology holds that humor derives ultimately from observing the misfortunes of others from a "safe seat". But does Guest's joke fit into that category? I can't decide. Jack's "long face" joke I have always loved. I first heard it from Ian Bruce, Scottish singer extraordinaire. Some of his other jokes however are not so politically correct, although invariably funny. Murray Murray |
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29 Nov 01 - 11:25 PM (#600667) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Rick Fielding Murray, knock it off!! First I have to explain to my Glaswegian wife (the former Heather Docherty) that NO Scots people were injured (mentally or physically) in my brilliant joke....and now YOU! I give up! .......well maybe not. I'll try one more bit of hilarity that has nothing to do with any ethnic characteristics. At a Rolling Stones concert , people are happily singing along as Mick (no Irish reference intended) intones: "Hey you! Get offa my cloud"! A concert goer resplendant in non-pant-like lower attire, says to the person beside him/her. "They stole that song you know". The person is at first rather confused by the stranger's incomprehensible (but none the less valid) accent. "How do you know"? He/she asks. "It's an old folksong that the rest of us rural (not meant to demean the 'urbanly challenged') folk knew well. It really goes: "Hey Macleod Get off of my Ewe"! The discombobulated (or temporarily sanity challenged) concert goer is immediately thrown into a huge quandry as she/he is BOTH a member of "The society for Ethical treatment of animals" AND the "sexual freedom league" Rick |
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29 Nov 01 - 11:34 PM (#600672) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Bill D *grin*...well, actually *guffaw*...wonderful, Rick!! |
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29 Nov 01 - 11:58 PM (#600678) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Jees, Rick, if only I had a dollar for every time I have had to grin and bear that joke , I would be able to afford to buy that compilation CD (the one with Hesitation Blues on it ). Incidentally, while we are on the Scottish/kilt theme, further to my observations earlier about not using the kilt pin to fasten the kilt, if you have ever been to a Highland Games event and witmessed the spectacle of the kilted athletes throwing the hammer, you will not have failed to notice the frisson of excitement generated among the female spectators as the hammer thrower spins faster and faster and his kilt fans out horizontally under the influence of centripetal (or is it centrifugal?) force. The impact of this brathtaking spectacle would be severely diminished if the kilt were to be fastened instead of being able to swing free....... Murray
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30 Nov 01 - 12:02 AM (#600681) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Melani Q:How do you get a (social or ethnic group of your choice) to burn his face? A:Call him on the phone when he's ironing.
Q: How did the (social or ethnic group of your choice) burn his face? |
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30 Nov 01 - 12:13 AM (#600689) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: katlaughing Murray, I think it is "centripenile" force. Stavanger BIll, thanks for the explanation! Jack, Phew! What a slew! |
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30 Nov 01 - 01:34 AM (#600715) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Centripenile force, I like it. That could well find its way into the dictionary, Kat. This force certainly guided me in my earlier years . And even today, with a following wind ................. Well, at least I can dream Murray |
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30 Nov 01 - 01:47 AM (#600718) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jim Dixon The sign on the café window said "Breakfast Any Time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. The sign on another café window said "Open 24 Hours." I started to walk in. The manager said, "Sorry, we're closed." I said, "But your sign says, 'Open 24 Hours.' " He said, "Yeah, but not consecutively." I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. --stolen from Stephen Wright |
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30 Nov 01 - 01:52 AM (#600724) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod That is FUNNY , Jim. French toast during the Renaissance, LOL !! Murray |
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30 Nov 01 - 03:37 AM (#600748) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Wilfried Schaum Methinks, Gareth's joke is incorrect. Centuries of warring against the French have taught us otherwise. The answer should be: The Italians are committing troops (last flop: 1940 joining Hitler's French war). But now a political very correct joke about our first king and emperor (of both French and German, died 814): One day Charlemagne rode out to hunt in the woods around Aix-les-Bains, where he happened to meet an old hussy collecting brushwood. "How do you do, old hussy" said Charlemagne. "How do you do, Charlemagne" said the old hussy. Such and similar stories they're telling still today around Aix-les-Bains about Charlemagne's cordiality. This joke fits very well Freud's definition (if I remember it well): At first a certain amount of tension is created, then it is unravelled by somthing totally unexpected. Wilfried |
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30 Nov 01 - 03:39 AM (#600749) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Wilfried Schaum And here is the missing e> of somthing. Wilfried |
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30 Nov 01 - 04:52 AM (#600777) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Bert It's centrifugal force and centripetal acceleration. |
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30 Nov 01 - 11:04 AM (#600937) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Rick Fielding Hey Murray, PM me your address and I'll send you a copy. The rest of my output you'll have to buy! Why this largesse on my part? Because, despite your being a crusty troublemaking Caledonian Conservative Curmudgeon, offending decent human beings in every corner of the planet.....you've given me quite a few chuckles this week. I detect this slight mischievous grin behind every outrageous statement you make. It IS there isn't it? Right? I mean it really IS, eh? eh? Now sit down by this roaring candle, and have a nice porridge sandwich. Ahhhhh now THAT'S true Scots hospitality! Cheers, Rick |
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30 Nov 01 - 02:03 PM (#601056) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) What is that? (Holding up the plastic net from a six-pack cluster). A(n) Irish, English, Scotch, Ukrainian, Indian, Japanese, Chinese, Italian, Portuguese, French, German, Hawaiian, Asian, European, Mexican, African Fly Swatter. |
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30 Nov 01 - 06:34 PM (#601248) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Gareth Sorry WIlfred, I concur that the Stem of the Joke refered to Italians - but thats the English version. The Royal Oak (Ystrad Mynach) version of this week was quite specific about the French - and I should know 'cos I was there ! There were no Italians at Agincourt, Poitiers, Calais etc. But the South Welsh Archers were there. Gareth (in chauvenistic Mood.)
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30 Nov 01 - 09:08 PM (#601363) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: leprechaun How do you top a car? Tep on the brake, toopid! You're stranded on a deserted island. When you look out to sea there are three boats coming toward the island, carrying a cannibal, a head hunter and an attorney. You have a gun, but only two bullets. What do you do, what do you do?
Shoot the attorney.
Twice. |
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01 Dec 01 - 05:08 PM (#601822) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Nigel.Parsons Wolfgang: the chances of the two bombs being on board; you say the presence of the first bomb reduces the chance of there being a second bomb, (yes, I know it's a spurious argument). But how do you ensure that yours is the "first" bomb ?? Murray: most of the U.K. tell sheep shagging jokes about the Welsh, but here in the capital, Cardiff, we tell them about people from the valleys Have you heard about the new leisure centre in Pontypridd ? Three sheep tied to a stake. Bill D: 3 guys trying to enter heaven a PC joke ? what about all those Atheists, Agnostics and reincarnationists you'rs alienating ? Finally: "It's hard to find, for love or money, A joke that's clean, and also funny" Nigel Parsons |
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02 Dec 01 - 06:02 AM (#602071) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: leprechaun I think all you folks are confused about the definition of "politically correct." It doesn't mean you can't offend anybody. In the world of political correctness, you just have to offend the correct people. Q. How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb? A. THAT'S NOT FUNNY! |
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02 Dec 01 - 06:27 AM (#602077) Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Gareth Snosrap - actually, in the Valleys we tell them about North Wales. Gareth |