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20 Dec 01 - 09:39 AM (#613617) Subject: World's best joke From: Cappuccino Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Mudcat's hunting fraternity will like to know that one of their jokes came second in a survey of the world's best jokes (the Guardian, Britain, today): A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" Horrifingly, the best one was the one about Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Watson, and the tent. Doesn't bear repeating. - Ian B |
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20 Dec 01 - 09:44 AM (#613621) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: catspaw49 Aw c'mon Ian......Don't tease me like that....Let's hear about Holmes and Watson! Spaw |
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20 Dec 01 - 09:50 AM (#613625) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Gary T Here you go, Spaw. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they settled in for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent." |
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20 Dec 01 - 09:52 AM (#613627) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: MudGuard Especially for spaw: Holmes and Watson awake in the middle of the night, seeing a brilliant sky of stars. Holmes asks Watson, "What does it mean that we can see all the stars?" Watson: "The sky is cloudless" Holmes: "No. Our tent was stolen." |
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20 Dec 01 - 09:55 AM (#613628) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: catspaw49 Thanks guys......I have a terrible memory for "jokes" and as soon as Gary got started, I remembered the turkey. I thank you both!!! Spaw |
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20 Dec 01 - 10:12 AM (#613641) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Wolfgang Let's not forget to mention that the study found that among all nations studied the Germans laughed most often that is they judged the jokes presented as being more hilarious than other subjects did. Which led the researcher (Richard Wiseman) to ponder two hypotheses: (1) the Germans have much more humour than the British like to think (2) The Germans live in a world with not much to laugh about that's why they laugh even about the stupidest jokes. Assuming that there is only one Richard Wiseman, Professor of Psychology, in Britain, I understand why he now studies humour. He is better known for his studies about parapsychology the results of which led him to a very skeptical point of view. Parapsychology is such a sad subject to study... Wolfgang |
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20 Dec 01 - 10:34 AM (#613649) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: GUEST A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had all of the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow." |
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20 Dec 01 - 10:38 AM (#613650) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Guessed Oh Wolfgang, don't be too cynical. this cultural stereotyping comes from somewhere solid. The reason Far Asian nations are more likely to get drunk on less alcohol than western Europeans (and be more affected by its toxicity) is because in that part of the world they had boiling to purify water whereas the West chose fermentation to prove the water was potable. The early diers and evolution gave us the rest of the story. I'll drink to that. maybe the many rules that we Anglophones see in Tuetonic langauges makes rulebusting puns and wordplay all the funnier. And in the plethora of exceptions with such a bastardized language like English, things that buck the rules are not as unusual though it does afford more scope for ambiguity. There you are humour is not as funny when analysed Anyway the English make the best comedians but the Japanese can make 'em smaller and cheaper. |
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20 Dec 01 - 11:01 AM (#613665) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Bobert Man and his wife were playing golf and the man hooked the drive and the ball ended up in front a barn. Well, the doors were open and he could see the green thru the doors so he figured he could use a five iron and shot thru the barn to the green. When he swung the ball hit just over the door, bounced straight back, hit his wife square in the middle of her forehead and killed her dead on the spot. A few months later, the same guy was playing with a friend whose drive landed exactly in front of that barn. Upon examination, his friend exclaimed, "Hey, I think I can squeeze it thru the barn with a five iron." to which our guy responded, "I was in the same place a few months ago and tried the five iron and ended up boggying the hole. Use the 4 iron." |
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20 Dec 01 - 11:49 AM (#613686) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) Help! In the same Telegraph article, this joke was the leading joke for Canada. What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head? Beatrix. Is it the point that there is no point to Canadian jokes? Dense Canadian. |
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20 Dec 01 - 11:57 AM (#613688) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Jacob B Oh, Sherlock Holmes and THAT Doc Watson! I was trying to imagine a joke about a British detective and a blind American guitar player ... Dicho, I think the point is that, said with the proper accent, Beatrix would sound like Beer Tricks. |
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20 Dec 01 - 12:02 PM (#613690) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) But Beatrix has three syllables: Beh-a-trix. |
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20 Dec 01 - 12:04 PM (#613692) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: GUEST It has 2 in England Bear-trix Like Jacob said... |
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20 Dec 01 - 12:09 PM (#613696) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Gary T And in some New England accents, "beer" is pronounced "be-ah." (I didn't get it before seeing the explanation, either.) |
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20 Dec 01 - 12:22 PM (#613703) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Willie-O My (Canadian, natch) parents liked to tell about a rather snobbish party they went to once, where someone who didn't have a taste for the rarified alcoholic beverages being served, asked for a beer. The host's response was "They-as no be-ah he-ah, so THEY-AH!" Kinda like pahking yer cah in harvahd yahd, costs you a nominal egg. W-O |
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20 Dec 01 - 01:41 PM (#613743) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Cappuccino Yes, Wolfgang, I did see that bit about Germans - I didn't mention it for fear of carrying on a national stereotype. Every time I go to Germany, which I do a lot, the locals always seem ready for a laugh. But perhaps its the way I speak German they find so funny...! - IanB |
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20 Dec 01 - 02:30 PM (#613767) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Wolfgang Ian, without the web I wouldn't know at all about that stereotype. I once searched for 'jokes about Germans' and to my big surprise found out about that stereotype (other stereotypes like 'follows even the most stupidest order' didn't surprise me, but this did). I told some friends since and none of them knew about us being humourless until I told them. By the way, one stereotype in Germany is that British humour is the best in the world. I hope that stereotype is not too far from being true. Wolfgang |
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20 Dec 01 - 02:41 PM (#613773) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Bill D best joke?..Wow!...and will they publish a list of the world's best songs next?...and how about the best recipes!...and of course, the world's most beautiful scenery! I wish someone would just figure out why people tell...and laugh at....stupid, ill-prepared, badly constructed LAME jokes!...they aren't ALL German...*grin* |
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20 Dec 01 - 02:44 PM (#613777) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: LoopySanchez Why do Canadians prefer having sex "doggy style"? So both people can keep watching "Hockey Night in Canada". |
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20 Dec 01 - 03:02 PM (#613790) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Jack the Sailor Yeh Loopy, but it is better, between periods. |
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20 Dec 01 - 03:05 PM (#613791) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Mr Red Like the architect who had his house maid backwards They did this story on TV tonight and the Holmes gag, it was argued, translates well into other languages because it is a situation joke rather than pun. they put Frank (Its the way I tell 'em) Carson on who fired a salvo of "better gags" which don't translate into other tongues eg An Eng, Irish & Scotsman bring Xmas artefacts to the party, English man the holly, Scotsman the misletoe and the Irishman a pair of knickers. "Why?" they ask, "Well" says Paddy "They're Carol's!" It is the way he tells 'em. |
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20 Dec 01 - 03:32 PM (#613813) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) Carol was a golfer in the 1920s? |
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20 Dec 01 - 04:23 PM (#613829) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: GUEST,Desdemona As told by my 3rd-grade son: So ham and eggs walk into a bar and order a couple of beers. The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here." |
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20 Dec 01 - 06:11 PM (#613893) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Jeanie Two samples from the hundreds of German websites dedicated to jokes: The "Best Joke of the Day" from www.der-beste-witz.de (Which means "The Best Joke"): "Is it possible to make love with an open window ?" "Yes, in principle, but it would probably be better with a woman." www.gagtime.de has a *German* joke about towels and hotels: "Don't stay at the Harriot Hotel ! The towels are so thick and fluffy that you can scarcely get them to fit into your suitcase."
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20 Dec 01 - 06:17 PM (#613895) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Jim Dixon It may not be the best, but here's The World's Biggest Joke. |
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20 Dec 01 - 06:53 PM (#613913) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: catspaw49 That's a riot Jim!!!! Spaw |
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20 Dec 01 - 07:16 PM (#613932) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: GUEST World's best joke? Indeed! But, then again, this is the kind of crap found on mudcat these days. Yeah, I know. And I posted to the damn thread. |
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20 Dec 01 - 07:36 PM (#613941) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Mark Cohen That's great, Jim! I just sent it to a friend with the subject line, "Why you need RoadRunner" Aloha, Mark |
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20 Dec 01 - 07:45 PM (#613947) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: little john cameron Here's one to you guys and my pal Reg in TEXAS. I'll have to write this in english as he doesn't understand Dundosian.
Big Jim was driving down the road and saw this fine looking woman walking down the road, when he looked in his rear view to get a better view he noticed that it was his ex wife, so he pulled over and offered her a ride.When she got in he said he hardly recognised her as she had lost so much weight.She said that times had changed since they were married and she didn't have to eat all those pies and chips that he lived on. |
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21 Dec 01 - 01:10 AM (#614062) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Red Eye Canadian joke ......more...... What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head and play snooker at the same time? Beatrix Potter.....
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21 Dec 01 - 03:08 AM (#614073) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: MudGuard Red Eye, see this posting |
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21 Dec 01 - 01:11 PM (#614260) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Dharmabum A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. As the nurse is leading him down the hallway to the examination room, he glances into a room on the right hand side of the hallway. In there, a man is standing, pants to his ankles, tool in hand, feverishly masturbating. "What on earth is wrong with that guy?" the man asks the nurse. "Oh, he's got spermatosis. It's a rare disease in which the symptoms can cause frequent masturbation.” As they continue down the hallway, the man notices another room in which there is another man with his pants to his ankles, only this man is having oral sex performed on him by a beautiful nurse. "Now what on earth is wrong with that man?" he asks the nurse. "Oh, same thing,” says the nurse, "He's just got better insurance." DB. |
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21 Dec 01 - 02:25 PM (#614288) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Cappuccino Especially for Wolfgang, and I'm ashamed to admit it's from British TV this afternoon: At the European athletics games, a commentator goes up to an athlete and says: 'are you the pole vaulter'? The guy says: 'no, I'm German - but how did you know my name?' That should close this thread neatly. - Ian B |
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21 Dec 01 - 07:00 PM (#614436) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Bill D Q: How does a German eat mussels A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* ... AUFMACHEN !!! |
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22 Jan 02 - 09:50 AM (#632958) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: GUEST,Susie Well, I was interested in reading the World's Biggest Joke, Jim, but the download time was estimated at 4381 years and, of course, my C drive wasn't big enough anyway. Must be bigger than I thought. Susie |
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22 Jan 02 - 10:41 AM (#632984) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Ringer On German stereotyping: there was a poster advert in England (10 years ago ish) for... I forget what it was advertising (must have been a good advert?)... let's say for Hoffelbroth Lager, but it could equally well have been for VWs "Knock, knock We Germans may not have much sense of humour, but Hoffelbroth is the best lager in the world." |
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22 Jan 02 - 10:59 AM (#633000) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: KingBrilliant Now that is exactly the type of Knock Knock joke my mum comes out with. To our frequent hilarity she just doesn't understand how they work. My personal favourite is: Mother : Knock Knock Us : Who's there? Mother : Tomato Us : Tomato who? Mother (brightly) : Tomato sauce. There - was that funny? Us (rolling on floor) : No, it wasn't. And then of course there is always: Mother : Knock Knock, who's there? Oops! That's not it, is it? Kris |
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22 Jan 02 - 11:40 AM (#633047) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: VoxFox Just got this one from my sister, Four men are showing off what their cats can do. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T'Square, do your stuff." T'Square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was very good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was really good too. Then the three men turned to the Goverment worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The Goverment worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. *BG* VF |
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22 Jan 02 - 01:35 PM (#633154) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Jim Dixon A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied: “You are in a hot-air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.” “You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.” The woman below responded: “You must be in Management.” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.” |
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22 Jan 02 - 03:56 PM (#633253) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Fasteddy Someone in the crowd shouts to the portly footballer 'how come you're such a fat bastard?' Portly footballer retorts 'because every time I shag your wife she gives me a biscuit!
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22 Jan 02 - 04:14 PM (#633266) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Steve Latimer The Human Cannonball who gets shot out of the Cannon wants to retire after being shot out of the cannon six times a day for forty years. He goes up to the circus owner to give his notice. He says "I'm retiring, I just can't do this anymore, my ears are shot from the noise of the cannon, it hurts a lot more when I land, I constantly smell of gunpowder, I'm giving you two weeks notice so that you can find a replacement". The circus owner says "you can't quit." The guy asks why not. the owner says "where will I find another man of your calibre?"
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22 Jan 02 - 05:34 PM (#633331) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Kenny B (inactive) Three for the price of one
Two woman standing at the the back of a pipe band are discussing whats worn under the nearest drummer's kilt.
Man sufferring from terrible headaches is told by the neuroligist the he has to have a brain transplant, "Not too difficult we have a small selection of brains on the premises" he says and opens a cupboard to show him 3 bottled brains,
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22 Jan 02 - 05:49 PM (#633342) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Louie Roy During WW2 here in The USA during gas rationing days a farmer was going into town in Montana in a model "T" and he ran out of gas.A man came along in a Cadillac and asked if he could be of any help and the farmer asked him if he could siphon out a littl gas so he could get into the next town.The guy said no he only had an A card and he couldn't spare any gas but he would be glad to tow him into the next town.He hooked onto the Model "T" and then told the farmer he had a habit of driving a little to fast and if he got to going to fast just blow his horn and he would slow down.They got to going about 60 miles an hour and the farmer thought that was a little fast but he was doing him a favor so he let him go.They got up to 90 miles an hour and drove by a road house and a highway patrolman was there and he took out after them.About 30 minutes later the patrolman came back and the operator of the roadhouse asked him if he had caught those guys and the patrolman said hell no the last I seen of them the guy in the Cadillac was doing 120 miles an hour and that crazy farmer in the Model "T" was blowing to go around |
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23 Jan 02 - 04:08 AM (#633592) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: mooman OK ...I give in! Risque joke alert! Two fleas are on holiday on the beach in Italy. One is shivering uncontrollably. The first flea to arrive says "What's the problem...why are you shivering so much?" The second flea replies "I just arrived...travelled over the Alps in the beard of a man on a motorbike. I'm frozen stiff!" The first flea replies "That's not the way to travel, you should do what I did. Hitched a ride down to Dover. Saw an Italian registered car about to embark onto the ferry with a beautiful woman in it. Hopped on her leg and up! Arrived here no problem! That's the way to travel!" "Sounds great!" says the second flea "I'll try that next year!" Next year comes around and flea one is already settled in on the beach. The second flea arrives, once again shivering uncontrollably. "What's the problem?..." says flea one "...didn't you follow my advice?" "Oh yes..." says the second flea "...absolutely to the letter." "Got down to Dover, found an Italian car and a beautiful woman just like you said...hopped on and up and settled down to sleep!" "Next thing, I woke up and I was in the beard of a man going over the Alps on a motorbike!" mooman |
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23 Jan 02 - 07:10 AM (#633666) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: Trevor Chap turns up at a fancy dress party with a girl over his shoulder. Host: 'Well what have you come as then?' Guest: 'I'm a turtle' Host: 'Well why have you got that girl over your shoulder?' Guest: 'That's Michelle!' Best in Short Joke Category - What's brown and sticky? - A stick. |
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23 Jan 02 - 07:42 AM (#633682) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: VoxFox Two old men were sitting on the front porch of a rest home. One asks the other, "Did you and your wife ever have mutual orgasms?" The other pauses for a few seconds, and answers, "No, we had Allstate." (ba dum bum) |
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23 Jan 02 - 03:51 PM (#633989) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: annamill A man sticks his head into the door of a barber shop and asks "Bob Peters here". The barber responds "No", "Only haircuts and shaves" Tra-boom!
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24 Jan 02 - 02:55 AM (#634398) Subject: RE: BS: World's best joke From: GUEST,Mickey191 Mr. Smith goes to his wifes doctor for her test results. Dr. apologizes because there were 2 Mrs. Smiths getting tested, and He can't say for certain if this man's wife has Alzheimers disease or aids. Smith says there must be a way to tell which disease my wife has. The Doc replied, yes there is.Drop her off in the center of town and if she finds her way home-don't fuck her. |
