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BS: Senility

14 Apr 02 - 04:21 PM (#689940)
Subject: Senility
From: Louie Roy

Just doodeling this Sunday morning
God,grant me the senility to forget the people I have never liked anyway,the good fortune to run into the ones I do,and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older(but refuse to grow up)here's what I've discovered
1--I started out with nothing,and I still have most of it
2--My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran
3--I finally got my head together,and now my body is falling apart
4--Funny,I don't remember being absent minded
5--Funny,I don't remember being absent minded
6--What were we talking about
7--It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser
8--Some days you're the dog,Some days you're the hydrant
9--I wish the buck stopped here,I sure could use a few
10--Kids in the back seat cause accidents
11--Accidents in the back seat causes Kids
12--It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere
13--The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom
14--If God wanted me to touch my toes,he would have put them on my knees
15--When I'm finally holding all the cards,why does everyone else decide to play chess
16--It's not hard to meet expenses,they're everywhere
17--The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
18--These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter,I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after
19--If all is not lost,Then where is it
20--Did I send this to you already?
21--Or did you send this to me?
I'm sure there are a lot more that can be added to this

14 Apr 02 - 04:42 PM (#689947)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Dave the Gnome

Aparantly there is more money spent on research into breast implants and viagra than there is into Alzheimers disiese. It is expected that by the yesr 2030 there will be more people wandering around with large breasts and erections than there will be people remembering why they wanted them...;-)

Cheers, or in the words of the great togmeister himself (Ask a Brit if you don't know), Do I come here often???

Dave the Gnome

15 Apr 02 - 05:23 AM (#690268)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Hrothgar

Is there an old thread about this?

15 Apr 02 - 05:28 AM (#690270)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: RichM

I can't remember...

15 Apr 02 - 05:53 AM (#690284)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Fiolar

I can always recall working with a colleague who assured me that he had saved up enough sleeping pills to see him off if he ever got senile. The only thing worrying him, he then said, was that he would never remember what they were for.

15 Apr 02 - 06:02 AM (#690289)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: C-flat

Thanks for those Louie Roy, I'm going to print it off so I can remember them.

15 Apr 02 - 06:39 AM (#690298)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Wincing Devil

I'm not OLD! I'm chronologically enhanced...

15 Apr 02 - 10:12 AM (#690424)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Mr Red

As Mick Jagger said (& he should know) "they're not wrinkles they are laughter lines" to which George Burns (and he should know) added "NOTHING is that funny!"

15 Apr 02 - 03:51 PM (#690712)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Crane Driver

I'm told there are three things you lose as you get older - the first is your memory .... I can't remember the others.

Now, who was I?

Oh yes, Andrew. I was him.

15 Apr 02 - 03:56 PM (#690718)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Morticia

I am already so absent minded that when, and if, I reach elderly status( which I am looking forward to enormously), I fear few will be able to tell the difference between senilty and my usual modus operandi.

15 Apr 02 - 03:59 PM (#690722)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Mr Red

Roy Bailey has a few of those - like he says to the other 'intimate' person "is this my place or your's?"

15 Apr 02 - 04:00 PM (#690724)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: RolyH

Right...Now....what was it I wanted, Oh yes...dog worming pills, yes that was it.Can I have some er .....

15 Apr 02 - 08:57 PM (#690872)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Bill D

my muscle tone is very good since I have reached 'that age'...my memory is now my exercise program--the more I forget, the more I get to run up & down stairs for!

But I am almost sure I don't have...ummm...whatsisname's disease..

16 Apr 02 - 05:47 AM (#691101)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Hrothgar

At least you can hide your own Easter eggs!

When you get older, there are three things you start to forget. The first one is where you live. The second one is what day it is. The third is er, um. ah ..........

(The bloke who told me that was about to crack 80, and he was stll firing on all eight cylinders).

16 Apr 02 - 11:01 AM (#691278)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Louie Roy

There is a story going around about an 85 year old man who was sitting on a park bench crying.A stranger walked up and asked him why he was crying and he said I'm married to a beautiful 20 year old lady she is very passionate and she loves me very much. We have a nice home and I'm financially well off.The stranger said MR you should be very happy.The 85 year old replied I know that but I forgot where I live.

16 Apr 02 - 11:04 AM (#691280)
Subject: RE: Senility
From: Liz the Squeak

I was going to post something really funny, but I forget what it was.....

Did I do it already??

LTS

16 Apr 02 - 02:59 PM (#691384)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: fat B****rd

Dear Mr. Red It was George Melly to Mick Jagger, but thank you for reminding me...all the best from the hair-splitting fB

16 Apr 02 - 03:42 PM (#691426)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Pseudolus

I like the one about the 80 year old guy who is sitting in the confessional talking to a priest and said, "Father, I'm 80 years old, I'm married, I have 5 kids, 11 grandkids, and 2 great-grandkids. I've always been faithful but last night, I spent the night with two beautiful 25 year olds and we made love all night long." The priest asked, "My son, how long has it been since your last confession?". The old guy says, "I've never been to confession Father, I'm Jewish." The priest asks, "Well my son, why are you telling me this?". The old guy says, "Are you kiddin me father? I'm tellin everybody!!!!"

Not sure what this has to do with this thread....sorry for the creep!

Frank

16 Apr 02 - 05:33 PM (#691496)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Dave the Gnome

Old man sat on a park bench crying his eyes out. Young lady goes to comfort him. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"It's my 97th birthday today" he replies. "I have a 21 year old wife who loves me and makes passionate love to me every night. I have millions of pounds, a Rolls Royce and everthing I could ever need."

"Well, why are you crying?" asks the girl

"I can't remember where I live..."

16 Apr 02 - 10:21 PM (#691705)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Bill D

Dave...you posted without reading..*grin*

16 Apr 02 - 11:37 PM (#691771)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Pseudolus

Maybe he read it but forgot.....*bigger Grin*

Frank

16 Apr 02 - 11:58 PM (#691784)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Amos

What did he post?

A

(Ouch!! That is stupid enough to strike close to home!! :>)))

17 Apr 02 - 11:29 PM (#692571)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: GUEST

Did I send this to you already?

17 Apr 02 - 11:39 PM (#692575)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Bob Bolton

G'day all,

I have been sending this on to friends (including many Mudcatters ... sorry - sorry if you have seen it from me or elsewhere!): Do you also have AAADD too?

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!!
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.
Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.
I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the bin is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the rubbish out ...
But since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now, where is my cheque book? Oops, there's only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk.

Oh, there's the tea I was drinking. I'm going to look for those cheques.
But first I need to put my tea further away from the computer ... or maybe a drink of cold water would be nice.
I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water.
I put my tea on the counter and uh oh!
There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning!
I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots-Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen.
We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.
I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor,
I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and
I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day:
The car isn't washed,
the bills are unpaid,
the tea is sitting on the kitchen counter,
the flowers are half watered,
the cheque book still only has one cheque in it and
I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I know I was busy all day long!!!
I realise this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first I think I'll check my e-mail.
Please send this to everyone you know because I don't remember to whom I've sent this!!!
Except don't send it back to me! Oh, go ahead and send it back to me ... I won't remember anyway ... !

From a fellow sufferer.

Regard(les)s,

Bob Bolton

17 Apr 02 - 11:41 PM (#692576)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Amos

LOL, Bob!! Ya got me number!!

A

17 Apr 02 - 11:43 PM (#692579)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Bob Bolton

G'day ... er ... whoever ...

It seems that there was a bold code I forgot to cancel ... way up in the second line!

I also forgot to say that I was posting this because it reminds me of some great on-stage stories by Roy Bailey ... very much along the lines of this story!

Reguardedly,

Bob Bolton

Do you also have AAADD too?

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!!
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.
Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.
I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the bin is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the rubbish out ...
But since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now, where is my cheque book? Oops, there's only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk.

Oh, there's the tea I was drinking. I'm going to look for those cheques.
But first I need to put my tea further away from the computer ... or maybe a drink of cold water would be nice.
I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water.
I put my tea on the counter and uh oh!
There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning!
I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots-Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen.
We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.
I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor,
I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and
I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day:
The car isn't washed,
the bills are unpaid,
the tea is sitting on the kitchen counter,
the flowers are half watered,
the cheque book still only has one cheque in it and
I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I know I was busy all day long!!!
I realise this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first I think I'll check my e-mail.
Please send this to everyone you know because I don't remember to whom I've sent this!!!
Except don't send it back to me! Oh, go ahead and send it back to me ... I won't remember anyway ... !

From a fellow sufferer.

18 Apr 02 - 11:46 PM (#693390)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Ebbie

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry!

18 Apr 02 - 11:49 PM (#693393)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Stephen L. Rich

comment on age and memory from the comic strip Arlo and Janis:

"I can remember all the words to a commercial jingle that I haven't heard for thirty years, but I can't remember why I just walked int this room."

19 Apr 02 - 12:10 AM (#693405)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Amos

Probably to post the jingle to Mudcat, which you forgot.

I suppose it was Pepsodent, Babo (The Foaming Cleanser -- bbabababababummbumm) or maybe 1-2-3-4--Skybar!! Or the Limelighters singing about L&M having found the secret!!

A

19 Apr 02 - 04:05 AM (#693492)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Hrothgar

You'll wonder where the yellow went, when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent!

...and I haven't even heard that since about 1960.

19 Apr 02 - 04:45 AM (#693508)
Subject: RE: BS: Senility
From: Trevor

I got into my car the other day after refuelling, put it into gear, took off the handbrake and released the clutch - nothing. Then I realised you're supposed to start the engine first. And I was humming the theme tune to 'Robin Hood', circa 1957. Scary!