BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need

12 May 02 - 03:21 PM (#709604)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani

Perfect for Mother's Day. Please put my order in asap.

Dani

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12 May 02 - 03:27 PM (#709607)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Big Mick

Spaw, I love this!! But I must point out that we have spent whole lifetimes doing jack shit. With what amounts to Black Belt, 10th dan status at this, sometimes that we forget that it isn't so simple as just saying we will do it for them. Sometimes examples are necessary. Let me cite some examples of our services:

Are you a sports fan and just don't have time to watch. For a very nominal fee, we will be happy to come to your home on the appropriate day, eat your food, lay on your couch, and watch the game.....playoff.....match.........whatever.

Got a new hammock, that due to your busy schedule has never been broken in properly? Call LFPS and one of us will personally stop by and nap in it, and see to it that it is properly ready for you when you are. Worried about size? The four of us have varying sized arses and will send the appropriate one of us to see to it that when you are ready to layabout, your hammock will be ready too!

Are you one of these folks who are so involved with your carreer that you have no time for a vacation? Give us a call. We will arrange the appropriate fee and take it for you. And as the leading professionals in the fine art of laying about, we will take all steps to insure that it is appropriately lackadaisical. We will come back from it completely refreshed for you. Satisfaction guaranteed!!

Lane, Fielding, Patterson & Swan.
Layabouts at Large and for Hire.
"It's the least we can do......."

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12 May 02 - 03:30 PM (#709611)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

Happy to handle it for you Dani. I am actively engaged in absolutely nothing and will be for the rest of the day so I'm sure you'll be feeling the benefits of the ultimate in relaxation available only through LFPS...Layabouts At Large and For Hire.

Spaw

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12 May 02 - 03:31 PM (#709612)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: CapriUni

Are you hiring? ;-) If so, please PM me...

(not born for the working class)

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12 May 02 - 03:39 PM (#709615)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

Quite true Mick.......If anyone has something specific, we can answer any and all requests as we are experienced in a wide variety of leisure pursuits.

Ever want to just spend several days sailing on the winds? No problem

How about a few days at the old fishing hole? Happy to oblige

Want some time to just sit back and pick some wonderful tunes and do it like a pro? We got you covered

You name it and we can put together the finest nothingness you can imagine.

LFPS
When Doing Sweet Damn All Is Just Too Damn Much

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12 May 02 - 04:25 PM (#709640)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani

Well, it's a beautiful hot sunny North Carolina day, with a lovely eastern breeze.

I am working on a very detailed business plan (due to the bank in days) working out the details of running a restaurant in a few short weeks, starting cooking for a catering job for 13 in the a.m., planning for my daughter's birthday (also tomorrow), trying to figure how to recognize my wedding anniversary (also tomorrow) and wishing I could do more for my own ma, who is due in minutes for a dinner I haven't prepared.

Would you mind terribly putting your feet up with a glass of Jameson's? It would help if you put your head back, felt the breeze ruffle through your hair, and hummed a happy tune.

Any of y'all up to it?!

Sorry you offered?

Dani

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12 May 02 - 04:36 PM (#709645)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST

LOL!

Catspaw, you are just the funniest!

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12 May 02 - 04:39 PM (#709647)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

Dang, I think your new promtoional campaign is terrific, Spaw, but I am concerned your business model may be under-resourced. You are certain to capture a major segment with your aggressive niche-defining position -- I don't think anyone has ever defined their market position as intentionally prone before! The result will be a flood of business, and even your proven talent for turning huge numbers of requests into nothing may be taxed. Capri and I are preparing resumes as we speak, as soon as we get around to it, and in the meanwhile, we will send you some blank sheets of paper -- could you send a SASE for the purpose?

We really think we can help take up some of the overload in the Doing-Fuckall-At-Great-Expense business, and as a government contractor I have a great deal of qualifying experience!! LOL!

We look forward to hearing from you, if you get around to it, but whatever, ya know!

A

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12 May 02 - 05:11 PM (#709664)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Eric the Viking

Nnaaaaa, chasing sheep too exciting for you to do. Better not be welcomed at the next euro gathering!

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12 May 02 - 05:15 PM (#709667)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: kendall

Hey you Johnnies come lately! I've been a total no 'count for years! Want some lessons?

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12 May 02 - 05:22 PM (#709672)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: kendall

There is an Australian song called the Swag & the Shiner which coveres this subject. It's not in the d.t. anyone want it?

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12 May 02 - 05:31 PM (#709677)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Rick Fielding

Sorry...I saw this an hour ago, but the effort it took to read it convinced me I needed a nap before posting. Actually one of the biggest drawbacks to being part of this consortium is the sheer brain-power needed in deciding whether to wear the nifty tee shirt, sweatshirt or formal zip-up number....gawd I hate decisions!

I'm verrrry impressed with Alice's work on the logo...it's so much better than those dumb 'property of Dallas Cowboys' things, or 'show us your tits for Mardi-gras' efforts. Wearing this I actually feel like a worthwhile human being....but that will pass.

The REAL problem is that although Lane, Patterson and Swan, CLAIM to be layabouts.....I actually AM. Other than a year spent counselling troubled youth (youts) so they wouldn't end up like me, I really HAVE spent my whole life singing and playing those damned songs.....and if that ain't bein' a Layabout, I don't know what is!

Lets do lunch

Rick

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12 May 02 - 06:19 PM (#709712)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: MMario

kendall - of course we want the song!

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12 May 02 - 06:40 PM (#709731)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,mg

can you subcontract an idler at the beach? I just took my Sunday nap at the beach and now I am going to lie down and read a Harlequin Romance. I also have two trees in front that would be perfect for a hammock. I am knee deep in clutter but I am going to walk right over it on my way to my second nap of the day. mg

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12 May 02 - 07:07 PM (#709748)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: SINSULL

When will the Infomercial be ready? Careful Spaw. The FCC will take offence if someone actually sends you money...and you know they will.

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12 May 02 - 07:15 PM (#709751)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST

ROTFLMAO!!!!

You Mudcat people are something else.

You are TOO funny!!!

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12 May 02 - 07:27 PM (#709764)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: WyoWoman

What's the charge for just whispering a few sweet nothings?

ww

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12 May 02 - 09:21 PM (#709821)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

Pansy Mae Rue Bob WW Twidgett.........I believe any of us would be happy to fill your request at no charge. We do a certain amount of our work on a pro bono basis and anything to further the good ol' bone fits that category................

LFPS-Working Hard at Hardly Working

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12 May 02 - 09:51 PM (#709842)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: mack/misophist

For a reasonable fee, I could be persuaded to open a branch in San Francisco. Wouldn't that look great on your letterhead?

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12 May 02 - 10:29 PM (#709861)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Mark Cohen

Amos...prone is too hard on the neck. I prefer supine. And Kendall...it's a skylark!

Aloha,
Mark
P.S.,I hate to tell you guys, but you have lots of competition in Hawaii. But don't worry, quality will always rise to the top. Or bottom. Whatever.

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12 May 02 - 10:54 PM (#709871)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Steve Latimer

Well guys, if you need an apprentice in the Toronto area...

Wow, to learn at the feer of the Master.

Steve

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12 May 02 - 11:55 PM (#709896)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: katlaughing

Do any of you break in thongs? Not the kind you wear on your feet...the ones that ride up your crack...well, unless you are a certain Mick and have a spud back there! That spandex needs breaking in before Rog can wear them properly...it's such trouble to wiggle into them...just a few good stretches would do...

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13 May 02 - 12:40 AM (#709909)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

LOL, kat!! What an image! :>)

A.

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13 May 02 - 01:46 AM (#709932)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: hesperis

Thanks for the tip in the other thread, Spaw. I really appreciate the work you did in typing it out, having to move the mouse to click the "submit" button... now that's work!

So... ARE you hiring? And if so, for what positions? *bg*

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13 May 02 - 03:02 AM (#709953)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,macca

As I see it, the only real problem with this great new alternative leisure-time marketing concept is that the competition already seems to be firmly in place. Here in Down-Underland, the Commonwealth Government, each State Government and every local authority seem to have filled the available market for doing nothing at great expense and in great detail pretty thoroughly.

Still, if you are looking for Australian agents, let me know. I'd think pretty seriously about leaving no stone unturned in my drive to establish a NGO alternative.... Call me soon - before I fall asleep.

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13 May 02 - 05:50 AM (#710015)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: gnu

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13 May 02 - 05:55 AM (#710018)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: kendall

It's a sparrow, says he... I'll post the lyrics elswhere.

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13 May 02 - 06:09 AM (#710033)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Banjer

Good concept guys, but I'm afarid you are being copy-cats. As far as I can tell our governments in all levels have already used this concept for years. Is there a union for this? I know here there must be a union for 'shovel leaners'. Have you never wondered why it takes eight people to dig a hole? One with the actual shovel and the other seven to stand and watch? I wish you success in your venture, but if you want to get in with a group of real experts get a job with a government agency. There you will learn much!!

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13 May 02 - 06:34 AM (#710048)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: mooman

Can you guys handle international contracts?

I've been so busy lately I haven't even had the time to break wind. Perhaps Mr Patterson with his expert knowledge in this area could help me with that particular problem?

Being skint I cannot afford much but my plight is too serious, and my moral conscience too great, to let you work pro bono.

Payment could be in unconsumed crates of Belgian beer left over from the recent Brussels EuroGathering 2002 if that's OK with you guys?

Yours in anticipation,

mooman

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13 May 02 - 07:09 AM (#710066)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Morticia

There was beer left over????Hang your heads in shame, euro-catters!! See how much we need LFPS this side of the atlantic? Bet there wouldn't be any left over bee with proper professionals!I would be interested in hiring someone to sit in my garden for a while, I haven't even been out there since last year.You may be required to shake your heads sadly at the proliferation of weeds from time to time but that's aboutit.

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13 May 02 - 07:31 AM (#710087)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani

How're you all getting along on this job?

Am I feeling better?

Dani

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13 May 02 - 11:06 AM (#710233)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

Morticia I think we can handle your request. AS you probably know, at least two of our Managing Partners will be in the UK during this year and since they will be goofing off anyway, I'm sure they can do it just as well in your garden.

Dani, we need some more time on this, but you're definitely feeling more refreshed and charged already. A few more days like yesterday and the sky's the limit.

Spaw...LFPS, Managing Partner---We do it so well, you will barely notice the change.

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13 May 02 - 11:19 AM (#710244)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: MMario

LFPS - "We're number One - at nothing"

LFPS - "Doing less - for you"

LFPS - " When nothing seems the right thing to do"

y'know - there are a lot of catchy phrases that could be used for advertising this firm.

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13 May 02 - 12:02 PM (#710272)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: katlaughing

Oh...so stretching spandex is too much work....?

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13 May 02 - 12:34 PM (#710295)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

Wyo:

For a few sweet nothings, I have a special on for this lifetime only, at a price which cannot be refused. See me after class...

A

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13 May 02 - 12:37 PM (#710300)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Fortunato

1)Is that Wayland, Massachusetts? (We have relatives there who are badly in need of servicing.)

2)I smell a rat, Pat. I suspect all you really want is to get paid for doing nothing (again). That is, you will not actually deliver anything and your clients will receive no benefit.

Do you deny this? I think you may guilty of raising false expectations. I have contacted my lawyers Ben Dover and Will Scruya for pair a legal consulation.

Stand by for further develpments. (Or lie by, if that requires too much energy).

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13 May 02 - 12:55 PM (#710313)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani

I think it might be working, but it's hard to quantify. Might be you want to do an extra good job, so I can testify for y'all, being as, compared to Kendall, y'all are new to the field.

Question: do you bill me, or do you barter?

Dani

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13 May 02 - 01:53 PM (#710363)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: p.j.

Dear Mudcatters,

On behalf of Mary Lou Lane, Heather Fielding, Karen Patterson and myself, Pamela Swan, may I implore you all to be patient and go easy on our fellas. As with any new venture, one expects grueling hours, huge amounts of overtime and great personal sacrifice during the early period when getting a new business off the ground.

But I feel the need to point out that, since the startup of LFPS and its advertisement on the Mudcat, business has increased to the point that the partners of the partners have noticed a marked decline in our husband's ability to do anything whatsoever.

In addition to many new clients who demand professional quality lethargy at the drop of a hat, they must also service their original contracts from the days when freelance loafing helped to make their name in the business. Loyal to these early customers, they continue to provide high standards of low activity without increasing their rates.

As their reputation for repose continues to grow, many are aware that LPFS has already begun to set the industry standard for tirelessly refraining from work during the business day. But do you also realize that these modest men, who would never brag about it themselves, spend most days off donating their valuable services, free of charge, to various non-profit organizations? They share a strong commitment to volunteer non-participation, in the spirit of giving nothing back to the community.

While we admire our spouse's relentless pursuit of relaxation, strong out-of-work ethic and selfless charity loafing, lately these circumstances are leaving virtually no time for them to do nothing for us.

We miss the days when it was our gutters that weren't being cleaned, our family rooms that weren't being painted and, yes, our cars that weren't being washed. We remember fondly when the whole family used to gather together to play hooky, but now it's just a busman's holiday for them. Sometimes, when we look over at them in the morning, we're not even sure who they're sleeping for.

We appreciate your support of the LPFS organization, and are proud of our husbands for providing this much-needed layabout service for others. Just please be patient about having your leisure orders filled– we need them to have a little time to do nothing for us as well.

Sincerely yours,

Pamela Swan (p.j.)

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13 May 02 - 02:08 PM (#710373)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Eric the Viking

Dear p.j. Thankyou for your explanation extolling the virtues of the layabouts club. But will you let them come out to play next year in Holland?

Sincerely yours.

Eric the sheep-sorry! Viking)

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13 May 02 - 02:25 PM (#710377)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Alice

The little folder on my computer labeled LFPS, containing type and logo, has taken on a new meaning... I now feel like I am on the ground floor of an entirely new global industry! Thanks, guys, for letting me be a part of the new economy!

Alice

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13 May 02 - 02:39 PM (#710384)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: MMario

But do you also realize that these modest men, who would never brag about it themselves, spend most days off donating their valuable services, free of charge, to various non-profit organizations?

Somehow I do believe that this is a statement that is not far from the truth.

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13 May 02 - 02:58 PM (#710392)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: katlaughing

Me, too, MMario.

Alice, NICE job! I heard about it firsthand from Spaw, so it's great to see it, too. Really classy. I'll bet it will cause a few double-takes when people realise what they've just read!

katlaughing

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13 May 02 - 03:21 PM (#710406)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: lady penelope

Nice one Mrs Swan......HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

"Quality loafing, accept no substitute".

TTFN M'Lady P.

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13 May 02 - 03:26 PM (#710414)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

PJ:

Cracking up!! Beautifully turned, elegant of phrase, and side-sore funny!!

A

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13 May 02 - 07:05 PM (#710557)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: gnu

I thot my application above would stand me in good stead for a position, but, apparently, I have to prove myself, again. F*** it. Like I said on the other thread, pick a pup on your way out and close the damn door behind you this time. I can't be bothered with the flies. I mean, Jaysus, I worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends, oh Spaw, won't you you lease me...

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13 May 02 - 07:27 PM (#710571)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Big Mick

Well.........thanks a million, peej. I have now managed to spew fluids through every available portal on my body from laughing so damn hard. That is twice you have done this to me ("If you see anything you don't understand, feel free to ask.............ROFLMAO). Jaysus, woman, would you give me a bit of a warning????

Love to you and my fellow layabout,

Mick

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13 May 02 - 07:29 PM (#710572)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

I dunno, gnu -- yopur application looks perfect to me, but maybe ya left something out? Hit the "Submit" key too energetically? Ya never know in an exacting profession like this how low the standards have to be maintained...

A

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13 May 02 - 08:11 PM (#710597)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,The Inevitable Troll

Yep, that's me alright. Just posting the facts here...the other side of the story. You just knew it was gonna happen.

The above group of gentlemen are, I believe, misrepresenting themselves. They *claim* to be "layabouts." I wonder if they can explain how incorportation and subsequent advertising fit in with the general image of a layabout!! I mean, it takes *work* to do these things and they claim to avoid work. Somebody had to design and create that logo, and *that* took work! Don't tell me they hired someone to do it because none of them has any money. (Unless they've received charitable contributions, in which case I want to see their form thingie. Right now! Go get it - I'll wait.) I happen to know that one Mudcat member, Jeri, whom I don't have any connection with whatsoever, has *thought* about starting a professional house guest business, but that's the difference - she just *thought* about it, but she didn't actually *do* it, and she doesn't actually do much of anything except write a lot of run-on sentences, but I am *not* connected with her!

(Mick, some of those portals aren't supposed to spew liquids of any sort. Eeeew!)

Sincerely, The Inevitable Troll (Who has absolutely no connection with Jeri)

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13 May 02 - 08:28 PM (#710604)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Tinker

SIGN ME UP!!!! But I think what I need most is encouragement and training in loafing and layabout. As part of the target market will your service not only make me feel better, but can you guarantee it's contagious????Can it infect a whole household???? I let 3 kids each sign up for 2 sports each this spring and my husband was given dual departments to manage..... My garden is crying for someone to go sit and enjoy it... I know it's under the weeds.. . somewhere...

Tinker

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13 May 02 - 08:31 PM (#710609)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: kendall

Banjer, When I was withnthe National Marine fisheries service, my district was the whole state of Maine; a coastline of 3000 miles. When I left, they replaced me with three men.

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13 May 02 - 08:40 PM (#710613)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dave Swan

The one eyed hound-dog, the Chevy on blocks, and the beer gut and torn T-shirt are registered service marks of LFPS. Any unauthorised use of these will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the.....yeah, whatever.....soon as I can...we'll see about.....huh?zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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14 May 02 - 12:36 AM (#710690)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Ebbie

You guys are making me so sleepy...

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14 May 02 - 12:41 AM (#710692)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,ozmacca

Hey Kendall, when I told my boss I was doing the work of three men, he asked me who the other two were so he could fire them.....

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15 May 02 - 05:20 PM (#711103)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

I was overjoyed to find the 'Cat down for awhile as I was able to get really serious in my relaxation and because of that I can say that Dani is now 100% relaxed, refreshed, and ready to go!!!

Kat, one of us would do the thong thing for you and Rog, but as you are probably aware, serious Layabouts also avoid any and all forms of pain and this of course includes thongs. Sorry Darlin' but there are some things we won't do........as a matter of fact there are a lot of things we don't do because of the effort required as well.

Spaw

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15 May 02 - 05:35 PM (#711114)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

Call yourselves professionals, huh? And then lay about with a bunch of disclaimers: "There are some forms of doing nothing up with which we will not put...". Huh!! Sissy lil amateurs!! LOL!! I'll break in your darn thongs, Kat, and that for half of what these loafers charge and in only twice the time!!

But I ain't washing them!!

a

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15 May 02 - 05:46 PM (#711124)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

Amos, the job is yours but I must point out that pain does NOT enter the true Layabout equation. Also.......

I'd like to announce that at Lane, Fielding, Patterson, and Swan we have also found dogs very useful in a variety of layabout non-activities. We even have a company mascot that is quite expert in the field as well. My Longhaired Blue Weimaraner met all of the criteria needed to be a Layabout Mascot as you can see here and also at his best in this photo.

Spaw

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15 May 02 - 05:52 PM (#711131)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: DonD

Representation in Greater New York area is available. Please send any assignments and FEES to my wife who will roll me over and put them in my pocket.

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15 May 02 - 06:11 PM (#711151)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Sorcha

Now listen all you lay-abouts!! What I need is somebody to clean this joint up! Ovens, windows, carpets, yard,,,,,all that crap. If you guys can't do the job I guess I'll just have to hire somebody else!!

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15 May 02 - 07:15 PM (#711203)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Alice

Sorcha, Layabouts don't do windows... or carpets, ovens, yards, or any of that crap.

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15 May 02 - 07:20 PM (#711208)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani

Wheew! Much better. I'll check in again next week.

Bill? Or can I start a tab.

Dani

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15 May 02 - 07:24 PM (#711210)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

Knowing Spaw, he'd start a tab and then forget where he put it. Of course he always wanted to be, like, Tab Hunter, so it evens out somehow....

A

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15 May 02 - 09:08 PM (#711265)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: kendall

Check out this song, "The Man who fell through"

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15 May 02 - 09:09 PM (#711266)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: kendall

Check out this song, "The Man who fell through"

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16 May 02 - 07:26 AM (#711484)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Mark Cohen

Gnu, you had a song there, too, when you said "Won't you lease me?" Remember the old Eddy Arnold favorite:

To waste my time is not a sin
Please lease me, and let me loaf again

Aloha,
Mark

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16 May 02 - 08:58 AM (#711531)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: mooman

Personally, I cannot believe 'Spaw has passed over the chance of doing what comes naturally on my behalf in exchange for a crate of Belgium's finest! Perhaps the effort involved was just too much!

This demonstrates conclusively to me that LFP&S are exactly what they claim to be...a fully accredited and qualified bunch of layabouts and therefore to be recommended to anyone who wants nothing doing properly!

mooman

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16 May 02 - 02:10 PM (#711739)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Eric the Viking

Arh well Richard-guess skipjack will have to do your beer next year-see you next week!

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25 May 02 - 04:58 PM (#717320)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

Well, this morning I had my first negative reaction to the business. I'm in line at Big Bear getting a few groceries and the man behind me asks about the shirt. I go into my tongue in cheek spiel and he gets irate that anyone would even consider doing it and that we were taking advantage of people! It took about 5 minutes to "unwind" the guy (about 65 or so) and explain. The store manager (who knows me) fortunately found it humorous as did most of the other folks around.

I guess the old fart won't be using our services.............

Spaw

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25 May 02 - 05:19 PM (#717324)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Jeri

Well, I just planted and Astilbe in my garden. Good thing I bought it, or Astilbe sittin' on my butt through the day, watching the hours roll away. (Sounds like it'd make a good song. Hmmm.)

Spaw, he couldn't have possibly thought you were trying to take advantage of anyone - it's not like you're not advertising truthfully! ("Hmmm...something's wrong with this. I'm not sure what, but durn it! Gonna give him crap anyway!")

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25 May 02 - 05:22 PM (#717325)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: DonD

Amend previous application for free-lance assignments; no longer limited to Greater New York Area.

Now available on world-wide AND interplanetary basis. Wherever in the universe and beyond you have a job you don't want done, I am ready to not do it for you!Neglecting to explore the far side of the Moon, Mars, etc. a specialty/speciality/specialite. (Note trilingual malingering capabilities.)

Particular care given to those avoiding enlistment into Morris groups by the "I won't dance, you can't make me" division.

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25 May 02 - 05:40 PM (#717331)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Jeri

Parody, While-U-Wait. 20 Minutes! (Didn't have to change much)

SITTIN ON MY BUTT THE WHOLE DAY

Sittin' in the mornin sun
I'll be sittin when the evenin' come
Watchin the old TV
And I only get up to pee
Yea
I'm sittin on my butt the whole day
watchin the time roll away
Ooh
I'm just sittin on my butt the whole day
Wastin' time

I left my chair this mornin'
Where I sat in my usual way
Cause I thought I'd experienced boredom
But I farted, then I felt OK
So I'm just goin to sit on my butt the whole day
Watchin the time roll away

Ooh

I'm sittin on my butt the whole day wastin time

Look pal nothin's goin to change
Inertia - that's the name of the game
I won't do what anyone tells me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same

Yes

Sittin' here restin my bones
Oh hark - that sounds like the phone
Yes
Should I answer - nah, it's too far to roam
I wish they'd just leave me alone

Now I'm jus' gon' sit on my butt the whole day
watchin the time roll away

Ooh

Sittin on my butt the whole day wastin' time

Whistle Armpit-fart-noise solo to end

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25 May 02 - 06:06 PM (#717335)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

Geeziz Jeri....You are TOO Too Much!!! Love it!!!!!

Spaw

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25 May 02 - 06:49 PM (#717357)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Jeri

Lotsa people say that, Spaw. "Jeri, you're too much. Couldja get the hell outta here!" They said it a lot when I was a kid. Then I grew up and learned how to behave, more or less. Then I came here and "met" you. End of story. I'm your fault.

(And I can just imagine you trying to patiently explain to the guy in the store, all the while trying to keep from saying something smart-assed.)

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25 May 02 - 07:09 PM (#717366)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

Knowing Spaw he didn't try very hard.

He could have just skewered the guy with a look, and said, "Look, man, if you don't like what my shirt says on it, don't read it!!"

:>)

A

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25 May 02 - 07:15 PM (#717370)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

No really Amos....I'm a nice guy....really. I tried to explain but it wasn't getting through and yeah, I was tempted, but I just apologized and smiled at the other folks around.

Spaw

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29 Aug 03 - 01:46 PM (#1010344)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: katlaughing

I just got back from the dollar sale at the local used bookstore. There I found a book that could have been written with you fellahs, the Layabouts At Large, in mind:

Meditations for Men Who Do Next to Nothing (And would like to do even less) by Lee Ward Shore. Some examples: "Just today, give me the willingness to do nothing at all." On Hopes & Dreams..."To hell with the future, I want my guitar!" On Courage: "Brave men take naps where workaholics fear to tread."

I'll post more wise words later.**bg**

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29 Aug 03 - 10:35 PM (#1010568)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,Li'l Aussie Bleeder.

Do you conduct 'Layabout Shops' or 'Lethargy Shops' I would like to find out if I am doing it right.

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01 Sep 03 - 10:00 PM (#1010861)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

Even if you are not doing it right, no-one will be able to discern the difference, so why bother asking?

A

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01 Sep 03 - 10:40 PM (#1010890)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Big Mick

Dear LAB,

First off, if you are over the age of about 10, it is too late for you to enter the professional ranks of layabouts. This is a talent that has to be practiced over a lifetime. It is 25 years in the learning, 25 years in the practicing, and 25 years in the laying about. Hence, unless you are a prodigal layabout, I have serious doubts as to whether you could achieve pro status in the time you have left to you. If your desire is to simply emulate the greats to some degree, I am sure that if you happen to show up at one of gatherings, you could pick up a few pointers.

Mick Lane
Founding Partner

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02 Sep 03 - 12:01 AM (#1010946)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: mg

how come it seems to be all men? Do you discriminate?

mg

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02 Sep 03 - 12:21 AM (#1010957)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos

Men layabouts would WELCOME and EMBRACE females candidates (if a bit slowly) but there always seem to be so few who are truly inspired by the calling of layaboutitude...

A

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02 Sep 03 - 12:34 AM (#1010960)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49

Although it is against our general policy for more than one of us to comment on anything (wasted effort=work), I will add a bit to what Brother Lane has said to LAB.

I need to point out that we have no actual workshops or any course of study. To do either of these things would require actual work as opposed to laying about and hence defeat the entire purpose and lie afoul of the Mission Statement of LFPS, where doing sweet damn all is doing too damn much.

Spaw
Founding Partner

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02 Sep 03 - 09:25 AM (#1011165)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,MMario

you have to realize these men have the highest standards as to the quality of laying about.

I disqualified myself for membership when I actually managed to meet 'spaw; having driven almost 15 miles out of my way in order to do so. The exertion required quite obviously showed that I was not up to their standards.

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02 Sep 03 - 12:53 PM (#1011315)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Rick Fielding

Although I'm too lazy to read this and find out what it's all about, I do have the tee-shirt and sweatshirt, so I thought I should at least respond.

RLF

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02 Sep 03 - 01:45 PM (#1011353)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dave Swan

yawn, stretch. Will somebody please read this thread to me, type a response and get me a beer?

D

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02 Sep 03 - 05:36 PM (#1011548)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: katlaughing

Well, doesn't that just beat all!? Here I up and bring in new recruits, leave some quotes for yer eddyfeekayshun and ya'll are too bizzee doin' nuttin' to even notice! Hmmmphhh....lazy-good-fer-nuttin'-but-laying-about-louts...afraid I might make more work for ya with a few more quotes? No siree....I have over-exerted m'self and must go lie down....oh, for my lavendar-scented hanky!

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02 Sep 03 - 11:24 PM (#1011758)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Big Mick

MEMO
TO:       Mssrs. Fielding, Patterson and Swan
From:    Mick Lane
SUBJECT: Layabout wannabees

------------------------------------------------------------

Brothers, as you can see, we have many wannabe layabouts seeking to join our ranks. The trouble is that they are expending so feckin' much energy tryin' that they are disqualifying themselves just trying. And they are impinging on our layin about because we have to take time to read this aul pile of shite. Training is obviously needed. I would suggest that we form an organization called "The Layabout Scouts" modelled very loosely on the Cub Scouts. One of the main differences is that no attention would be payed to gender, sexual preference, age, or style of music preferred. In fact, we would be so busy layin' about that we wouldn't pay attention to anything. One similarity would be that we would have to have Den Parents/second mommy/second daddy/backup singers to take care of all the actual training based on their observations of us, as that would constitute work which we don't do. Perhaps the formidable group of Mary Lou, Heather, Karen and the right honourable p.j. could take on the task? Hell, they do all the work in our respective households as it is.

Maybe we could come up with cutesy little outfits for them, eh?

What say you all?

Mick Lane
Founding Partner
Lane, Fielding, Patterson, and Swan
Layabouts at Large and for hire
It's the least we can do........

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02 Sep 03 - 11:44 PM (#1011771)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Tinker

Mick, I don't often get layabout practice but your post makes my head spin... If the Honorables don "cutesy little" outfits might it not tempt the layabouts to raise their... ummm, exertion levels to less than lazy standards???? How do those who do too much for those who do too little, pass on the ability to others to recline and refrain when they themselves continually care and create???

I think I need a wee dram and a rest...perhaps if I just reflect on it a little longer...

Tinker

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02 Sep 03 - 11:52 PM (#1011776)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Big Mick

OF COURSE...........WHY DIDN'T I SEE IT??????......TINKER.....SHE WOULD BE PERFECT...

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02 Sep 03 - 11:58 PM (#1011780)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Tinker

For what Mick?

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03 Sep 03 - 06:25 AM (#1011889)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,Lil Aussie Bleeder

A girl friend and I decided many years ago that fat mothers had thin children....... all that fetching!!!

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03 Sep 03 - 07:57 AM (#1011921)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani

Exactly. Tinker knows, dontcha? There is no layabout without there is a layedupon.

Dani(who aspires to layabout: as likely as that I'll learn to play the damnbanjo!)

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03 Sep 03 - 09:47 AM (#1011971)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

Mister would probably nominate me for the ranks of Layabout. ;-) I'm pretty good at it when I set a mind to it.

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05 Sep 03 - 03:30 AM (#1013166)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Nigel Parsons

I spotted this on the web a little while ago, but in line with the interests of this thread, I procrastinated!
Slacker Day!

Nige...zzzzzzzzzzz

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05 Sep 03 - 10:05 PM (#1013689)
Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: darkriver

I could never "aspire" to slacking, or anything else, for that matter. Leave 'em alone, I say, and let them not get on with not doin' they jobs.

Honey, type everythin' I'm sayin', sign it

Doug

and email i

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