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How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

17 Jun 02 - 11:29 AM (#731464)
Subject: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Peter T.

In conversation, Jenellen remarked that she had put this bonus question on a exam for her students, the answers ranging from duct tape to genetic manipulation. Anyone have any inventive solutions that would bear repeating?

yours, Peter T.


17 Jun 02 - 11:31 AM (#731465)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Mary in Kentucky

Having the name "Mary" I've heard a few that really shouldn't be repeated.


17 Jun 02 - 11:33 AM (#731467)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Ebbie

OK- NOW I believe in the Inner Clique! :)

What IS the problem about Maria?


17 Jun 02 - 11:33 AM (#731468)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Mary in Kentucky

But one that can be repeated...from the musical Camelot, how to handle a woman,...Love her, simply love her...


17 Jun 02 - 12:24 PM (#731486)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Peter T.

An Inner Clique made up of all those who saw "Sound of Music"..... yours, Peter T.


17 Jun 02 - 01:11 PM (#731509)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Amos

Just change her name to "Hope Sunflower Joy Peace Moon-Unit".

Her personality will follow suit, after a reasonable period of transition, and the problem will vanish! It's elegant, and that's always good. Time tested principle, too. I think...

The only other approach that could possibly work is much more expensive -- a series of long phone calls, originated at unpredictable intervals.

The name change is a much more economical solution, and much more reversable in the event of unpredicted complications, than genetic re-engineering.

If that fails, duct tape handles almost anything. There's always that! :>)

A


17 Jun 02 - 01:17 PM (#731513)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: katlaughing

Send her for a long stay at the NYCFTTS. :-)


17 Jun 02 - 01:21 PM (#731518)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: lady penelope

Nail her other foot to the floor.........

TTFN M'Lady P.


17 Jun 02 - 01:21 PM (#731519)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Wincing Devil

Send her off to be Governess to the bratty brood of a Retired Austrian Naval Captain!


17 Jun 02 - 01:55 PM (#731540)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: JenEllen

Oh sure, kat. I can see it now:
"Doh, I'm stuck in the NYC
Ray, the guy with thorazine
Me, alone in a padded cell...


17 Jun 02 - 01:59 PM (#731544)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: katlaughing

Phaw! it tastes terrible!
So, as in I told you,
La, tee da, I don't care... LOL!!


17 Jun 02 - 02:03 PM (#731548)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: katlaughing

She could have her own wing and fill it with all of those brats!*bg*


17 Jun 02 - 02:06 PM (#731550)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: JenEllen

....and the next thing you know, all the candy-stripers at the NYCFTTS are singing along, and it's still impossible to open a window without hearing it...

JE-16goingon17
(who once, in a late-night chat with the indefatigable 'Peaz' of 'Peaz and Kay Rotz' fame, agreed that we should both have scads of illegitimate children and name them ALL "Sunbeam-Moonbeam-Save the Whales-Safetybelt-I can't drive 55-Jones". Moral of the story: Trust me, name changes don't work!)


17 Jun 02 - 02:13 PM (#731554)
Subject: Explaining "How do you solve?"
From: JenEllen

From a note I sent to Ebbie (in lieu of cliquification)

Have you ever seen the Sound of Music? The Ellensburg Community Theatre is doing that play this summer, and they took up practicing on the grass in between the science building and the library. For a solid week, every time I opened either the office or classroom windows, "So long--Farewell" "The hillllllssssss are allllliiiiveee"....Drove me (and everyone else) completely nutso.

On the freshman biology final, I added the bonus question:
"How DO you solve a problem like Maria?"

I sat for a solid hour giggling and grading exams! "Duct tape and leeches" "Have her spayed and de-barked" "What? The drugs didn't work? The only other option is electro-shock therapy"


17 Jun 02 - 02:19 PM (#731557)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Amos

I think there's a book in it somewhere, JE -- "The Cliquification of Maria", or "Duct Tape or ECT? -- You Be the Judge", perhaps. At least they were singing!

Alternatively you could try and make her into a Mudcat Icon, but I doubt you would have Little Hawk's bottomless patience for debate!! LOL.

A


17 Jun 02 - 02:22 PM (#731558)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: GUEST,Old Scratch

Ha!! You are all wrong!

Send her to me and I will take care of her "problem"!

OS


17 Jun 02 - 02:23 PM (#731559)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: SharonA

Rip out her distributor? (Hey, it worked for the Nazi's car, so...)


17 Jun 02 - 02:42 PM (#731564)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: McGrath of Harlow

Repair a likable mom?


17 Jun 02 - 02:50 PM (#731569)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Bill D

have her canonized, then write a song about her like Santa Lucia

(maybe unnecessary, since Colombus already named a ship after her)


17 Jun 02 - 04:56 PM (#731663)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca

Frontal Lobotomy always worked well. So did Electroshock "Therapy"! Look at Frances Farmer's story!


17 Jun 02 - 05:17 PM (#731681)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Liz the Squeak

I've got a very big stick that might work.....

LTS


17 Jun 02 - 06:30 PM (#731730)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: GUEST,Just Am y

Swift kick right in the keester.

OR we could tie her up and bring out the cat-'o-nine tails then rip her blouse down the back exposing . . . .

excuse me I have to go..........


17 Jun 02 - 07:13 PM (#731760)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Stilly River Sage

Maria,
I've just met a girl named Maria. . .


17 Jun 02 - 07:16 PM (#731763)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: mousethief

First off, make her stop wearing curlers under her wimple. That is just an abhomination unto the Lord.

Alex


17 Jun 02 - 08:03 PM (#731797)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: GUEST,Old Scratch

Yes, Mouse, you are correct. Curlers under the wimple was my idea, and it just bugs the Big Guy to no end! In fact, I think you and many of the Mudcat gang would look smashing with curlers under the wimple!!!

OS


17 Jun 02 - 11:59 PM (#731955)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: GUEST,DW at work

I'm just very VERY confused.

What did Maria ever do to you? And why name her after a fart anyway?

DW


18 Jun 02 - 04:41 AM (#732045)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Jeanie

So, what's the problem ? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em by going to a Sing-a-long-a Sound of Music Show !

Arrive in full costume (nun, Nazi, mountain goat, whatever), watch the film and join in with the songs on subtitles, wave your Edelweiss aloft, boo the Nazis, cheer for Maria, heckle the Baroness...

More details than you ever wanted to know (plus games, photo gallery, list of tour dates) to be found on www.singalonga.com

Good news ! The same company are now starting a Sing-a-Long-a-Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat show, too !!

Zose Canaan days we used to know, where 'av zey gone, where diiiiiiiiiiid zey go ......and now, raise your berets for zose Caaaaaaanan dayz.....

- jeanie


18 Jun 02 - 04:53 AM (#732048)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Nigel Parsons

Then there was the story of a fancy dress sing along session where one fan arrived in a long curly wig, and dressed as an Hassidic Jew. When queried he said it was from the line:
"So long, farewell, auf wiedershein A jew. a jew, a jew to you and you and you"


18 Jun 02 - 05:13 AM (#732055)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Micca

Jen, my solution would be "(13+1+18+9+1) therefore

Maria= 42


the answer to "Life the Universe and Everything" so there you are..problem solved


18 Jun 02 - 05:23 AM (#732062)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Mark Cohen

I would have written, "The solution is left as an exercise for the teacher."

Aloha,
Mark


18 Jun 02 - 07:13 AM (#732103)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: GUEST

get her rebored.


18 Jun 02 - 07:38 AM (#732110)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: lady penelope

Ah, but if you have read the books, Micca, you'd know that "We are sorry for the inconvenience".....

TTFN M'Lady P.


18 Jun 02 - 08:41 AM (#732131)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Peter T.

Perhaps the best solution would be to get her to take her vocation seriously. This would get her off the damn mountains, and behind bars where she belongs. The guitars and the wooden Canadian actor and the children (not her own!) are snares and delusions. First step: immersion in the works of St. Therese of Lisieux, so she learns humility. Second: immersion in the works of St. Teresa of Avila, so she learns the true meaning of being the bride of Christ (!). Third: listening very carefully to the words of the Holy Father, as he cements his church's relations with the German and Austrian governments in the late 1930's, thus learning mindless obedience. Fourth: penance, penance, penance. Hairshirts, whips, and having to sit quietly while Sister Barbara explains the catechetical virtues of the Saints. Fifth: remove all mirrors and cover the bath water with powder so as to expunge the last vestiges of secret pride that one resembles Julie Andrews. That should do it.

yours, Peter T.


18 Jun 02 - 09:04 AM (#732144)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Amos

Jeeze, PT, that's one helluva regimen, if I may say so! Are you sure the problem deserves such an impressive and erudite solution?

:>)

A


18 Jun 02 - 09:32 AM (#732158)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: catspaw49

I was thinkin' that maybe Rodgers and Hammerstein could arrange a trade with Leonard Bernstein and get Natalie Wood for Julie Andrews. They'd have to throw in some of those oh-too-cute Trapp munchkins, but Bernstein could turn them over to the Jets for a slice-n-dice.

Spaw


18 Jun 02 - 09:58 AM (#732168)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: JenEllen

Oh yeah...."We can't go over to THAT side of Austria! We might have to dance...I mean rumble!"

Bright silver switchblades
And black leather jackets
T-shirt sleeves rolled
Around cigarette packets
Oh, for the rumble
The stuff I should bring
These are a few of
My favourite thiiiiinnngggssss

~JE (y'all are too too much)


18 Jun 02 - 10:10 AM (#732184)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: GUEST

Put her in the lock-up 'til she's sober.
Shave her head with a rusty razor.
ETC.


18 Jun 02 - 10:41 AM (#732199)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Willie-O

Well, if we posit from the question that
Maria (M) = Problem (P)
then
World - M = World - P = No Problem.

Egads, we have found the solution to not only Maria, but all human and other suffering! A world without a problem!

Alternatively, dump her on a mountaintop in Vermont...

W-O


18 Jun 02 - 11:37 AM (#732225)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: lady penelope

Is there something about Mount Vermont that you should treat it so? :)

TTFN M'Lady P.


18 Jun 02 - 05:59 PM (#732487)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Jeri

Well, GUEST up there got to it before me, but

What do ya do with ol' Maria
What do ya do with ol' Maria
What do ya do with ol' Maria
Earl-eye in the morning (lapse into "All God's Critters"
...or day, or night, or anytime at all

Make her listen to Shatner records
Tie her in a sack with a couple of tom-cats
See how many ticks will fit in her arm pit
Roasting's OK but broiling's better
Add fava beans & a nice cianti

...that sort of thing.


19 Jun 02 - 01:40 PM (#733021)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: lady penelope

"Add fava beans & a nice cianti" FFFFFFFFabulous *G*

TTFN M'Lady P.


19 Jun 02 - 02:07 PM (#733043)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: SharonA

Actually, I think they hit upon the solution in the movie: at the end, she and the Von Trappes are walking on the hills. Since the hills are alive, the hills will attack and devour the strange humans who have trodden upon them.


19 Jun 02 - 02:27 PM (#733064)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: JenEllen

Actually, Sharon...that was one of the answers I got on the exam! "The hills, being easily provoked, and not all that crazy about kids to begin with...."


19 Jun 02 - 03:54 PM (#733132)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: SharonA

JenEllen: LOL!!


20 Jun 02 - 02:22 PM (#733794)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: EBarnacle1

Lithium is good. How did she get into the monastary in the first place? Did her parents leave her there to get rid of her?


20 Jun 02 - 06:03 PM (#733919)
Subject: RE: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
From: Liz the Squeak

She got into a MONASTERY? No wonder she has problems!!!

LTS