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02 Jul 02 - 06:16 PM (#740982) Subject: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC Pierre Henry wrote an interesting piece about playing the tambourine in a recent issue of The Onion. I've copied it here in case it disappears from the Onion site...
You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine
My lord, what are you doing? Your crude handling of that beautiful instrument borders on the obscene! You cannot carelessly strike a tambourine and expect it to sing its beautiful song. You must coax it out of her. You must romance the music out of the tambourine.
The way you strike that tambourine makes me cringe with horror and disgust. Would you strike a beautiful woman? Of course not. You would gently stroke her, caress her, whisper sweet nothings in her ear. So, too, you must with the tambourine. Tell the tambourine you love her, and your reward will be a beautiful music. Treat her roughly, and she will slap you in the face with her velvet glove.
The tambourine can be deceiving. True, she has a taut skin and round figure like the drum, but that is where the similarity ends. Take your finger and run it along her edge. There. Do you feel it? Little miniature cymbals! That... that is the secret of the tambourine. If you gently tap her, the little cymbals will sing the body electric. If you clumsily hit her like your fingers are sausages and your hands spicy hams, she will recoil in disgust.
Make no mistake, this is a courtship. A grand design of love. You must carefully woo the tambourine to make her do your bidding—and not through deceit or treachery. To a tambourine, what matters most is honesty. Your playing must come from a place that is pure and true. You cannot play the tambourine one shake at a time, preventing her from stretching her long legs and reaching her natural, majestic stride. You must think three shakes ahead, but still live wholly in the moment, adjusting your movements to her mercurial moods. Only then will you prove yourself worthy of the tambourine's affections.
Take in the wholeness of the tambourine. A tambourine is an endless river of mystery. There is a depth there that most men do not see. They see only a noisemaker, some paper horn with streamers or a metal box that clicks noisily when you spin it around. But those are for little boys, not men. Do you want to be a little boy playing with a toy? Or do you want to be a man with a muse? If you wish the latter, then you must surrender yourself to the tambourine completely. She will not be deceived by pretenders. She will only bear her fruits to those who devote themselves fully to the task of tilling her fertile soil.
The tambourine has an endless bounty of love to offer, but you must first favor her with your own affections. Do not clutch her as a baby does a rattle. Grip her firmly but knowingly. Tap her lightly with your finger. I said lightly, you buffoon! Try again. There. Does she not coo for you now? The timbre of the tambourine should set the stage for romance, but only if you draw it out with patience and sensuality. Banging her repeatedly, as you were just doing, produces music unfit for a tableau of fez-wearing clowns in tiny cars.
Now comes the question: What is your endgame, O wooer of the tambourine? Do you shake her for her sex appeal? Have you seen men playing tambourines on stage, using them to attract painted women in short skirts, and decided that you, too, would like to use the tambourine to attract a painted lady of your own? Then you love the tambourine for all the wrong reasons. Lay her down gently and walk away. You are among the undeserving. Do not feel alone. Most are undeserving. But if you are pure of heart and prove yourself worthy of her considerable charms, the tambourine will treat you well. This, however, is a long, hard road, and the journey down this path requires great seriousness of purpose and commitment. If you decide that you are incapable of such things, then you should seriously consider the oboe. That is an instrument for the true vulgarian. |
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02 Jul 02 - 06:17 PM (#740985) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC This is my response...
You cannot win the heart of the tambourine with gossamer Elven caresses, or delicate little finger taps. She laughs at your faintheartedness. She is the thunder in the waves breaking upon the jagged rocks of your soul. She is the wind that roars through the emptiness where once lived your heart. Remember? She tore that from you, beating still, all the while shrieking with laughter. You can hear it even now... the rhythmic pounding of your heart... thub a dub a dub... the shriek of the wild thing... iiiieeeeeeee!!!! You want to go back. Back to the safe place in your life where you never knew such wildness, but you know you can't. She has your heart now. Hear it? It's beating to the rhythm of her pounding waves, the crashing of her mighty cymbals! She holds you in her hand and she shakes you and pounds upon you until you surrender your music to her. And then she leaves you, crumpled and dazed, drained of any will to try her again. But she's not worried. She knows you'll be back. She is the tambourine. |
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02 Jul 02 - 08:14 PM (#741046) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: catspaw49 Frankly, I can't romance a tambourine properly as my equipment is of the correct circumference, but the tambourine lacks sufficient depth for me to make use of my prodigious length. On the other hand, thank gawd the article was in The Onion rather than Sing Out!!! Spaw |
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02 Jul 02 - 08:18 PM (#741050) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC So it would be a didgeridoo of epic proportions for you then, Spaw? |
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02 Jul 02 - 08:23 PM (#741052) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: catspaw49 Perhaps a double bass alpenhorn would suffice............ Spaw |
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02 Jul 02 - 09:39 PM (#741093) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Jack the Sailor I pluck and caress flail and wail, for what is my banjo, but a tambourine with a tail? |
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02 Jul 02 - 09:47 PM (#741099) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: GUEST,ozmacca Now do I mourn with solemn grief / In that I find this new belief / My bodhran, made, raw nerves to tingle / From a tambourine - without a jingle. / This neutered hoop with edg-ed nails / Casts others down and never fails....... |
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02 Jul 02 - 10:17 PM (#741112) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: khandu Poor, poor dear old Spaw, off in never-ever land again, a world of delusion and fantasy. Now, he should come to Mississippi to see what a real one looks like! I tried to play a tambourine, it was beyond me. To treat it as a woman is also beyond me. I am not born to hob-nob with tambourines. Now, the kazoo! That's another tale! khandu
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02 Jul 02 - 10:18 PM (#741114) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: katlaughing Well done, all!! |
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02 Jul 02 - 10:22 PM (#741117) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC Tell us about the kazoo, khandu. |
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02 Jul 02 - 10:42 PM (#741122) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: GUEST,ozmacca ..or, to coin a phrase.... NO! khandu...... Ahem, sorry 'bout that.... |
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03 Jul 02 - 10:12 AM (#741410) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Jack the Sailor I long to be touched I long to be caressed I long to pound against her shapely chest (Sorry hips.) I am electronic. I am Programmed I have no corpreal Existance. Yet I am packed for all her tours and trips I have no skin or bells to ring. I am software in a drum machine. I am Madonna's Tambourine |
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03 Jul 02 - 11:18 AM (#741454) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Clinton Hammond The tambourine is surpassed only by the spoons as something that NO ONE should EVER EVER play! |
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03 Jul 02 - 11:32 AM (#741465) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: MMario If you truly believe that Clinton - then you have never heard a GOOD player on the spoons. The real problem with insturments such as bones, spoons, tambourine, bodrhan, etc is many people consider them "easy" instruments - but they are quite subtle and intricate when played WELL |
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03 Jul 02 - 11:44 AM (#741478) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Jack the Sailor I have to say I've enjoyed a tambourine performance or two in my day. Remember the Archies? Betty was HOT when she played that tambourine!! |
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03 Jul 02 - 03:21 PM (#741681) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: RichM |
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03 Jul 02 - 03:24 PM (#741686) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Nigel Parsons This reminds me of the old saying, which may also be applicable to tambourines, "The woman, the dog, and the walnut tree; The more you beat them, the better they be!" Nigel |
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03 Jul 02 - 03:40 PM (#741695) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie Spoons ARE tricky to play! Even little hand percussion instruments require good technique- just because they're small doesn't mean any idiot can play them, or should. This reminds me of an 18th century tune about a man who sits (accidentally) upon a lady's violin and breaks it. The singer puts a curse upon the "huge masculine bum" that perpetrated the act. The last line of the song goes, "Kiss my bum fiddle." :-D That wasn't the sort of romance you was lookin for? |
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03 Jul 02 - 03:43 PM (#741700) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: catspaw49 Rich, that reminds me of the old limerick........... There once was a young man from Kent Whose dick was incredibly bent It curved left and right too And whenever he'd screw Instead of coming, he went. Spaw |
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03 Jul 02 - 03:51 PM (#741704) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: RichM Here's another...‹br›‹br›
There once was a man named Screwy Dick, ‹br› A man who was born with a spiral prick.‹br› His life was spent in one long hunt‹br› to find the girl with the spiral cunt.‹br› When he found her he dropped dead,‹br› 'cause that woman had left hand thread!!!‹br›
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03 Jul 02 - 06:03 PM (#741778) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC Here you go, RichM...
There once was a man named Screwy Dick, Nice poem (song?) JtS! |
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03 Jul 02 - 08:18 PM (#741853) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Malachy I once played in a band with a lead singer who thought she was wonderful on the tambourine. She was so bad (no sense of timing).....she put the drummer off!! We 'bluetacked' the bells together when she wasn't looking. She left soon afterwards.....*cruel grin* |
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03 Jul 02 - 09:18 PM (#741877) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Cap't Bob When I was in elementary school we were fortunate enough to have a rhythm band. There were rather few exotic instruments like the tambourine, glockenspiel, try angle, castanets, whistles, and a whole slew of less exciting rhythm sticks. For some reason the girls usually got to play the really fun instruments and a bunch of us guys sat in a row in front with a small board and a pair of rhythm sticks. We would tap out some rather basic rhythm while the girls would have all the fun with the good instruments. I always longed to play one of the fun instruments but never got the chance. Well, er, almost ~ on the last day of school one year the teacher got out the rhythm band box and began assigning instruments. Low and behold the called my name and handed me the tambourine. Overjoyed, with my heart pounding away I took my place in the second row, holding the tambourine. At last, my chance. Well as luck would have it ~ when we were just about ready to play ~ the dismissal bell rang early and the teacher told us to put the instruments back into the box. Deep in my heart, I've always longed to play the tambourine. However, as years turned into decades I got involved with a great number of other instruments. Last Christmas I finally got my chance. I was in a music store and noticed a real nice selection of tambourines. Impulse, or whatever, took over and I bought myself a tambourine for Christmas. Sixty years was a long time to wait but I must admit it was well worth every minute. I seldom play the thing but just knowing its there on the shelf and available makes me feel real good. Cap't Bob |
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03 Jul 02 - 10:07 PM (#741890) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Jack the Sailor Hit me with your Rythm stick. Hit Me! Hit Me! |
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03 Jul 02 - 10:58 PM (#741908) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Cap't Bob BAM ditty, Bam ditty, Bam ditty, Bam ditty, Bam ditty, Bam ditty, etc. 10 minutes Hope that makes the Sailor Happy Cap't Bob |
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03 Jul 02 - 11:13 PM (#741913) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: GUEST,ozmacca Gad! Methinks this lad hath the gift of melody....... |
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03 Jul 02 - 11:57 PM (#741939) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Jack the Sailor It is apparant that he has played with his stick often and well. Bam ditty ditty ditty Bam Ditty Di |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:06 AM (#741943) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: The Pooka I've tried Romancing the Pennywhistle. Utterly unrequited. (She didn't give a toot...) |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:07 AM (#741944) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC Perhaps you were blowing into the wrong end, The Pooka. |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:14 AM (#741946) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Cap't Bob ozmacca ~ it's not a gift, I had it when I was born. Guess we know why they call you Jack the Sailor. Remember! It's not how hard you practice, its how you practice hard. No more free musick for you guys. Cap't Bob |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:38 AM (#741956) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: GUEST,ozmacca Well, if it's not a gift, is it deductible? |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:38 AM (#741958) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: The Pooka *G* - CouldB, CarolC. / Me dear oul' mother Gawd rest 'er always used to fondly liken me to the south end of a horse goin' north.... |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:38 AM (#741959) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC Yeah, Cap't Bob. You have to be careful where you play your instrument with this crowd. But I really enjoyed your childhood reminiscences. |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:42 AM (#741960) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC Me dear oul' mother Gawd rest 'er always used to fondly liken me to the south end of a horse goin' north.... Well, if she was the one who taught you how to play the whistle, I can see why you had problems. ;-) |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:42 AM (#741961) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: The Pooka I didn't give up easy on the tinwhistle courtin', CarolC. But when I tried it again it played "Croppies Lie Down". :) |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:44 AM (#741962) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: GUEST,ozmacca On a more serious note (mememememememe - close.) Didn't I read somewhere about the guitar being the epitome of romanticism in musical instruments, with its' close similarity to a voluptuous and sensual woman - as long as you don't mind the missing legs, the long neck and the six ears. |
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04 Jul 02 - 12:49 AM (#741965) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: The Pooka Carol & Ozmacca - *LOL* to yez both! heehee / CarolC, waddaya, kiddin'? I taught *her*. :) |
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05 Jul 02 - 01:32 AM (#742652) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Jack the Sailor She puts her lips to the tip fingers the shaft and coaxes the sweet nectar of music from the tinwhistle. |
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05 Jul 02 - 07:05 AM (#742782) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC Is it just me or is it hot in here? |
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05 Jul 02 - 12:12 PM (#742915) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: wysiwyg How'd this get to be a BS thread? ~S~ |
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05 Jul 02 - 12:15 PM (#742918) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Clinton Hammond Sorry MMario... There's absolutely NO such thing... Not in my book anyway... |
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05 Jul 02 - 04:29 PM (#743058) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: Jack the Sailor A guitar is like a woman. My guitar has a large bottom. It is a dreadnaught. Do any of you know any women who are dreadnaughts? |
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06 Jul 02 - 05:37 PM (#743454) Subject: RE: BS: Romancing the Tambourine From: CarolC Susan, en français, il signifie "Beaucoup Sexy". (French brought to you courtesy of Babel Fish) |