BS: lawyer jokes

16 Aug 02 - 10:51 AM (#766443)
Subject: lawyer jokes
From: wilco

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#1. An elderly preacher was dying, and he asked two members of his large congregation to come and stay with him as he passed-on. They were a lawyer and an IRS agent. They sat quitely with him for several hours, before they finally asked the preacher why he had called them, since the congregation had hundreds of members who were closer to him personally. The old preacher mustered up some strenth and managed to barely whisper, " Christ died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too."

#2. A very wealthy man was dying, and he called over three people, his doctor, his minister, and his lawyer, He wanted to tell them of his final wishes. He handed them each an envelope with ten thousand dollars in it. He told them that, although he knew it was foolish, he wanted them to each place the envelopes in his coffin when he died, so he would have some cash in the afterlife (just in case). Several months after the funeral, the three ran into one another at a restaurant. The doctor seemed very troubled, and he said that he had only put in $9000.00, havving kept one thousand to pay some of the deceased medical bills. The minister started crying and confessed that he had kept the same amount for the deceased favorite charities. The attorney was just indignant, and he blustered, "I can't believe it. I am in shock. I didn't keep a dime. I put my own personal check in that coffin, for the full ten thousand dollars!"

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16 Aug 02 - 10:54 AM (#766447)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: GUEST

how do you know a layer is lying. His lips are moving.

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16 Aug 02 - 11:04 AM (#766452)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: Deda

(This is an old one.) 95% of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name. Same could be said of corporate CEOs.

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16 Aug 02 - 11:13 AM (#766453)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: HuwG

Not so much lawyer jokes, as judge jokes, which in Britain means "senile lawyer". (Well, senile barrister, which is the type of lawyer that wears wigs and gowns).

A judge comes into court to announce a verdict in a civil case. After all the bowing and scraping, everyone sits, but then the judge says, "I have reached my decision in this case, but unfortunately I have left it in my chambers. I regret that we will have to adjourn until it can be posted or brought by messenger". One of the counsel stands up. "Fax it up, m'lud ?", he suggests. "Yes, it rather does", replies his lordship.

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Another one, popularly attributed to a famous barrister, E. E. Smith (later Lord Birkenhead).

Judge I have listened to your address for several hours now, and am no wiser.

Barrister Perhaps not, m'lud, but you are much better informed.

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16 Aug 02 - 12:36 PM (#766498)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: Midchuck

I am monitoring this thread for the American bar, and have taken the names of those participating from the US. The writs and summonses will start being delivered by your local sheriffs early next week.

Can we get a volunteer who is a member of the British bar to take care of the matter on that side of the pond?

Peter.

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16 Aug 02 - 12:50 PM (#766508)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: The Walrus at work

Peter,

Public bar, Saloon bar or snug?

Walrus

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16 Aug 02 - 02:03 PM (#766554)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: Dave4Guild

A rather brilliant engineer dies after a long and successful career, and, after a serious clerical error at the Pearly Gates, was sent down below, by mistake. The Devil doesn't know quite what to do with him, so asks him what jobs he'd like. The engineer points out that since it was rather hot he could install air-conditioning. The devil agreed and two weeks later the job was done!
After two months there was hot and cold running water, showers, and a jacuzzi, after four months, a swimming pool, gymnasium and massage parlour, and after six months a sauna, central heating and a patio.
Later that week, God pops in to see how his old adversary is getting on and is amazed at all these creature comforts, and asks what has happened. So Old Nick tells God about the mistake with the engineer, and God gets quite miffed. "I want that Engineer back in Heaven where he belongs" quoth God, "and if you try to keep him I"ll get a Lawyer. "Don't be silly" said The Devil, "Where will you find a Lawyer?"

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16 Aug 02 - 02:08 PM (#766558)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,Mary Katherine

Q. What happens when you throw a lawyer into a tank full of pirhanas?

A. Nothing. Professional courtesy.

Q. What do you call one hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A. A good start.

Mary Katherine <-----who has a close friend who's a Mississippi lawyer

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16 Aug 02 - 05:31 PM (#766666)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: dwditty

A drunk stands up in a bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes"

Another drunk stands up and says, "Hey, I resent that!"

The first drunk says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second drunk responds, "No, I'm an asshole!"
dw
P. S. Why do lawyers wear neckties? A: To keep the foreskin from creeping up over their heads.

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16 Aug 02 - 07:32 PM (#766718)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: RangerSteve

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom feeding scumsucker, the other is a fish.

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16 Aug 02 - 07:59 PM (#766726)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: artbrooks

The Pope died and went to heaven, and St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. After the usual greetings on behalf of God, St. Peter showed him to what would be his home for all of eternity...a one-room apartment with a cold water shower and a toilet down the hall. The Pope was surprised, but didn't say anything until he and St. Peter went back outside and he noticed a palatial mansion up on the hill. "Hey, Your Saintliness, who lives up there", he said. St. Peter replied, "that's a former attorney from Kansas City". The Pope responded "how come a lousey lawyer gets a palace like that and I'm stuck with this lousey one-room flat?". The answer? "We have a lot of Popes here, but he's the only lawyer."

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16 Aug 02 - 09:11 PM (#766743)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: Wincing Devil

So far I count only TWO jokes! (The rest are all true!)

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17 Aug 02 - 07:08 AM (#766914)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: mooman

Q: What happens to a lawyer if you give him Viagra?

A: He just gets taller!

mooman

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17 Aug 02 - 07:23 AM (#766919)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: gnu

It was so cold this morning, I saw two laywers with their hands in their own pockets. Difference between skunk and lawyer roadkill is skid marks in front of the skunk.

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17 Aug 02 - 03:14 PM (#767087)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: The Walrus

You have a pistol with two only bullets.
If front of you stand Saddam Hussain, Osama Bin Laden and a lawyer.
Question: Who do you shoot?

Answer: The lawyer - twice! (just to be sure).

Walrus

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17 Aug 02 - 03:46 PM (#767100)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: Bev and Jerry

There's a long line at the pearly gates and suddenly St. Peter goes way back in the line and pulls a man out and brings him to the front of the line. "To what do I owe this honor?" asks the man. "I'm just a humble lawyer". St. Peter says, "According to our records, you were one hundred and thirty eight years old when you died. That's a record here". The lawyer says, "There must be some mistake. I was only forty three when I was hit by a car". After a pause St. Peter replies, "You're right, there is a mistake. We were looking at your billable hours".

Bev and Jerry

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18 Aug 02 - 06:55 AM (#767374)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: GUEST

Banjo players get the same treatment ...
Cheers,
Brian

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18 Aug 02 - 07:14 AM (#767379)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: Troll

Ques. How many lawyers does it take to change a light-bulb?

Ans. How many can you afford?

troll

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18 Aug 02 - 09:57 AM (#767413)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: Banjer

Wincing Devil, which two do you see as the jokes? Seems like all are true!

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18 Aug 02 - 07:12 PM (#767640)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: Jim Dixon

Not so much a joke as a proverb:

A town that is too small to support one lawyer can often support two lawyers.

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28 Aug 02 - 08:20 AM (#772839)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: gnu

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase..."

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28 Aug 02 - 06:01 PM (#773211)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: Gareth

Story - Warrented True. Uk Catters might appreciate this.

I was having a run in over the phone with one of these "Accident Management Companies" that seem to infest the UK at the moment.

It was the usual problem, some bloody fool teenybopper in a old, rusty High Milage B reg Ford Escort had tried to undertake a HGV (Tractor and Rig/12 Wheeler in USA) and got flattened.

The Escort was worth £150 at best (Top Book) The Engineer had valued it at £50.00 ( With a full fuel tank !) and it was obviously going to be cheaper to pay than argue.

But no this "Accident Management Company" was holding out for £1,500 and a massive loss of use claim. And Totaly ignoring the fact that if you try to cut in on the inside of an HGV on a round a bout you deserve every thing that you get, or so the Court's say.

Me " Well do you understand the concept of liability ?"

She " I'am legally qualified !"

Me ( getting totally p****d off )" I see, and what are your qualifications ?"

She , sceaming " I've got a GCSE (*) in Law "

Seems that failed Wannabe Lawyers are just as bad as the qualified shysters !

(*) GCSE = General Cartificate of Secondary Education - taken by 15/16 year olds - and in "Law" thats pretty basic !!!

Roll on medical retirement !!!

Gareth

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29 Aug 02 - 08:57 AM (#773546)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: HuwG

Apparently a true story:

In Britain (England and Wales, anyway; the Scottish legal system is different) the vast majority of trivial offences are tried in magistrates courts, rather than Crown courts before a judge (and jury, sometimes). Magistrates are supposed to be prominent, upright citizens. Three normally sit in a court, assisted by a lawyer known as the "Clerk of the Court", who advises the magistrates on points of law, but doesn't interfere with their discussion on the evidence.

It used to be a rather true caricature of a magistrates bench that they were made up of a Lieutenant-Colonel (retired), a local shopkeeper or small businessman (ineffectual), and a housewife (easily swayed by the other two); in short a deep-dyed Conservative bench. No doubt this has not been true for many years. (I have very little direct knowledge of magistrates courts. I plead guilty to speeding offences by post, and I was due to appear as a witness once, but the defendant cheated me of my big moment by changing his plea to "guilty").

However, one rather unworldly magistrates bench in North Yorkshire in 1960-something was confronted with someone charged with the very serious offence of "buggery". The procedure for serious crimes is that the magistrates remand the accused into custody or bail, and commit him (not her, in this case) for trial at a Crown Court at some later date. Unfortunately, nobody on this particular bench, not even the retired Colonel, had heard of "buggery". Without consulting the Clerk, their Worships decided that the charge was actually "burglary" spelled wrong on the charge sheet. They pronounced, "As this is your first offence of this type, you will pay a fine of thirty shillings", or something equally trifling.

The rather stunned offender left court past the goggling ranks of reporters, public and police and kept going, very fast indeed once outside the building. The mistake wasn't pointed out to the bench until the housewife (who was married to a General Practitioner [=Doctor]), asked whether there was such as thing as buggery, and was told in graphic detail all about it. Unfortunately, "double jeopardy" prevented that bench from rectifying matters.

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Another magistrates court story, which has been claimed by courts all over the country as its place of origin, and is probably urban myth anyway. The place is Newcastle-upon-Tyne or Gateshead, and the first offender of the day is a merchant seaman of German origin, charged with being drunk and disorderly. It quickly becomes clear that the defendant speaks no English; and neither the prosecution nor the defence have brought an interpreter. The Chief Magistrate suggests adjourning the case until one can be found, at which point a Geordie likely lad in the public gallery, waiting for the next case, says, "Had on man ! I can speak German, aye." "You can ?" "Why aye, man, I was putting up scaffolding in Dortmund for three years". "Splendid ! Swear the young man in as interpreter, and we will proceed". The young man takes the oath, and the usher says, "Will you ask the defendant his name ?". "Aye, man", says Geordie. He approaches the dock, screws his face up and shouts, "VOT ISS YOUR NAME ?".

I believe that he got six months.

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Note: the offence of "buggery" has been replaced in England and Wales by that of "homosexual rape".

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30 Aug 02 - 12:31 AM (#774033)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: dick greenhaus

So there was an old lawyer and a young lawyer sitting at a bar, looking at a group of sexy young things at the other side of the room. "Let's run over and screw a couple of them!" said the younger lawyer. The older one replied "out of what?"

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny. And nobody else thinks that they're jokes.

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30 Aug 02 - 03:34 AM (#774063)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,Sledge

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

Ones a slimey bottom dwelling mudsucker, the others a fish.

Sledge

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30 Aug 02 - 10:23 AM (#774229)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: GUEST

What is it that a goose can do, a duck can't do, and a lawyer should do?

Shove his bill up his arse!

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30 Aug 02 - 10:32 AM (#774234)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: GUEST

There was a pediatrician, a lawyer, a priest, and a group of children in a building that was being evacuated during a fire. Time was running out, and it was total chaos, everyone was fending for themselves. The pediatrician shouted, "We must save the children, we can't leave them in here!" The lawyer said, "F--k the children!" And the priest said, "Well, O.K then, but are you sure we have time?"

Not exactly a lawyer joke, but I thought it was funny.

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30 Aug 02 - 11:21 AM (#774262)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: InOBU

The first day of law school, at NYU during orientation, they sat the entire incoming class in the auditorium and a pannel of law professors stood at a dias and repeted lawyer jokes thousands of them... it was great.
Cheers Larry

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30 Aug 02 - 11:23 AM (#774265)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: EBarnacle1

re: Shooting the Lawyer--wrong, wrong, wrong. Shoot Arafat and Hussein and hire the lawyer to run you for president.

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30 Aug 02 - 03:02 PM (#774396)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: dick greenhaus

"...and if you don't have a president, one will be appointed for you by the court..."

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30 Aug 02 - 03:27 PM (#774418)
Subject: RE: BS: lawyer jokes
From: EBarnacle1

As it was, so shall it be, but hopefully not unto eternity.

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