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24 Oct 02 - 12:36 PM (#810267) Subject: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Amergin Well...I wrote this for a friend...who's brother was killed in Bali...and well i was wondering what you all thought before i sent it to her... Memories Stay (title not in stone as yet) (tune: Water is Wide) There is a candle it burns right well Shining bright in my heart it dwells But the wind it came strong and stout And blew that bright burning candle out Oh, he was staying there in Bali Town When the bombs blew the hotel down And the blast shook me to the bone For now he'll never be coming home I see him coming through the door I hear his steps stomp across the floor I hear his voice whisper soft and clear As my fingers feel my hot wet tears In the window a candle burns bright Calling him home in the dark night The pain it fades as the years go by But the memories stay in my heart nearby nt Thanks... |
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24 Oct 02 - 12:46 PM (#810275) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: MMario 'gin - I would put the second verse last if it were me. Other then that all I can say is "goose bumps". |
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24 Oct 02 - 12:48 PM (#810280) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland I think that it is a fine song, Amergin. Tom Hamilton |
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24 Oct 02 - 12:53 PM (#810285) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: artbrooks Were it me (and I can't even write BAD poetry), I think I'd leave out the second verse entirely, or find an alternative to "When the bombs blew the hotel down". That line evokes a different, and more violent, image than the rest of it does. Please understand that I only commented because you asked. The entire thing is excellent. |
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24 Oct 02 - 01:07 PM (#810292) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: GUEST,glenda 53 at work Excellent work. I wouldn't change a thing. IMHO g |
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24 Oct 02 - 01:18 PM (#810304) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Declan A great piece of work. A few small suggestions : The first two lines of the second verse don't work for me either. Is there a Bali Town ? I don't know. I'd have another look at these. Line one in verse 4 would scan better if it was "A candle burns in the window bright". Line three in that verse might be better as "The pain may fade as the years go by" - just seems that its a bit soon to say that the pain will fade. |
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24 Oct 02 - 01:44 PM (#810313) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Clinton Hammond Ya... nice... but I agree... the 2nd verse is out of place... maybe try some circumlocution... talk about it, without stating it directly... |
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24 Oct 02 - 04:09 PM (#810413) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Amergin how's this for the second verse? my heart stopped beating when the phone rang I heard the news as the salt tears sang The blast it shook me to the bone For now he'll never be coming home |
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24 Oct 02 - 04:15 PM (#810419) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Amos Amergin: Wind is hardly ever thought of as "stout". You could call it "stark" and rhyme it with "turned that burning candle dark..." or "bold and cold, or grim and dim, or shift it around some other way. A nice piece of work, man! A |
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24 Oct 02 - 04:20 PM (#810425) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: MMario Amos - "a stout wind" is actually a pretty common phrase |
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24 Oct 02 - 08:58 PM (#810620) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Stephen L. Rich It's wonderful! Send it! Stephen Lee |
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25 Oct 02 - 03:44 PM (#811332) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Amergin ok here's what looks to be the final product...thanks all... The Memories Stay (tune: Water is Wide) There is a candle it burns right well Shining bright in my heart it dwells But the wind it came strong and stout And blew that bright burning candle out My heart stopped beating when the phone rang I heard the news as the salt tears sang The blast it shook me to the bone For now he'll never be coming home I see him coming through the door I hear his steps stomp across the floor I hear his voice whisper soft and clear As my fingers feel my hot wet tears In the window a candle burns bright Calling him home in the dark night The pain may fade as the years go by But the memories stay in my heart nearby nt |
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25 Oct 02 - 03:48 PM (#811341) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: MMario still giving me chills and goose bumps - good work! |
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25 Oct 02 - 03:53 PM (#811346) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Amos Main Entry: 1stout Pronunciation: 'staut Function: adjective Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French estout, of Germanic origin; akin to Old High German stolz proud; perhaps akin to Old High German stelza stilt -- more at STILT Date: 14th century 1 : strong of character: as a : BRAVE, BOLD b : FIRM, DETERMINED; also : OBSTINATE 2 : physically or materially strong: a : STURDY, VIGOROUS b : STAUNCH, ENDURING c : sturdily constructed 3 : FORCEFUL ; also : VIOLENT 4 : bulky in body synonym see STRONG - stout·ish /'stau-tish/ adjective - stout·ly adverb By God, look at that!! I stand corrected, comment withdrawn. Thanks, guys!! Long time!! :>) And here i thought I knew EVERYTHING! A |
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25 Oct 02 - 04:38 PM (#811369) Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend From: Clinton Hammond Stout gives me the wind from time to time... ,-) |