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Jokes please !!!!!!

28 Nov 03 - 05:12 AM (#1062395)
Subject: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: GUEST,jim clark london england.

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How about a few jokes to take our minds off all the misery in the world at the moment.

Heres one I just read which made me giggle to myself ha ha.



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Small Talk at the Takeaway

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.

While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "they're complimentary."

28 Nov 03 - 05:47 AM (#1062410)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: GUEST,ian

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned
on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he
finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When
that was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts.

That's it! She blows her top!

"You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even
say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "It's started!"

28 Nov 03 - 06:00 AM (#1062421)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: Ian

Do you require the jokes for your own use or for us all to share?
As I have some which I will not share in this public domain.

First Christmas joke of the season

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols"

28 Nov 03 - 06:07 AM (#1062422)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: Ian

And the second joke of Christmas.

The Teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each

of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young

Patrick Murphy.

"Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my

twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we

sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince

pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all

excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come

with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do

you do at Christmas?

" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum

and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.

We put cookies and milk by the chimney ! and we hang up

our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus

to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied.

"That's also very nice Jimmy," she said.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not

wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked

Isaac Cohen the same question.

"Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well we also sing carols!"

Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing.

"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office.

We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory.

When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves

and begin to sing, " What a friend we have in Jesus."

Then we all go to the Bahamas."

28 Nov 03 - 06:23 AM (#1062432)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: Leadfingers

A skeleton walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a mop.

28 Nov 03 - 06:44 AM (#1062453)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: VIN

While on his state visit to England, George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing the way my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."

Bush thought long and hard and eventually asked "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes .... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy ... you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist..... How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

The Camel

A captain in the foreign legion gets transferred to a desert outpost. On arrival he spots a mangy old camel. He say's to the sergeant "What is the camel for"

The sergeant say's "Well sir, We're a good distance from anywhere,and the men do have sexual urges. When they do, we have the camel." The captain say's "Well if it's good for the men's morale, it's good enough for me."

After a couple of weeks the captain becomes a little frustrated himself, and tells the sergeant to bring the camel. The camel is brought to his quarters, he gets a foot stool and begins to have vigorous sex with the camel.

When he's finished he say's to the sergeant "Is that how the enlisted men do it" The sergeant say's "Well no sir. They usually ride it to the Brothel in town."

28 Nov 03 - 06:57 AM (#1062460)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: GUEST,jim clark london england.

No I just thought it might cheer us up to read some jokes so fire away i'm not writing a book or anything else ha ha.

Its great seeing the reaction jokes have on people you meet isnt it?. So I'll certainly be trying the ones that get me laughing out on a few of my associates.

Geat stuff so far you've already got me giggling ha ha..I'll pinpoint a few favourites as more jokes are added.



28 Nov 03 - 07:14 AM (#1062462)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!

Ever since reading about Jack the Ripper I tend to be rather wary of people who actually write ' ha ha '!

28 Nov 03 - 07:33 AM (#1062473)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: Ian

Subject: In Seattle
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach,

where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight.

He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible

for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave,

and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail,

but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,

let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied.

Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

P.S.: Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at
how hot it is down here.

28 Nov 03 - 07:35 AM (#1062476)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: Micca

When I die?

WIFE: "If I died first, would you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)." < BR> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

28 Nov 03 - 07:46 AM (#1062480)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: Wilfried Schaum

Hi Jim - Fine thing you have started, but you are not the only one. Have also a look at this thread: Any New Jokes?


28 Nov 03 - 07:49 AM (#1062483)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: GUEST,IanN

Why did God invent line-dancing?

To give Morris Dancers someone to take the piss out of.

28 Nov 03 - 08:06 AM (#1062490)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: IanC

Could be called a joke, I suppose, but this one happened. Just a bit of Ashwell folk talk, really.

We have a session in The Rose & Crown, first Monday of the month. I usually go round about 8:30 and have a drink. When there's enough of us, or when we feel like it, we settle down and start.

A couple of months ago, a posh bloke, not a local, turned up in the bar some time after 8. When I turned up at 8:30, he'd struck up a conversation with one of the old blokes in the bar.

"I thought there was some sort of music here at half past eight."
"Well, so there is, but t'aint arf parst yit.
"My watch says half past, and it's one of those satellite things."
"Ar, but we goo by Ashwell time."
"What's that then?"
"Well, goo outside an' look up a the ole church clock. Tell me if that says arf parst."
(returning from outside, now looking rather worried)
"No, it doesn't!"
(... here I have to explain that we'd had a power cut around half past five. The church clock's electrically wound and stops when there's a power cut. In fact, it's set by the atomic clock at Rugby, but the mechanism is that it waits till the time comes round again, then continues ...)
After a pause, the posh bloke says:
"Er, how can I tell when it's half past eight, then?"
(triumphally ... he'd been waiting for this)
"Ar, well. You see that notice there?"

"Yes, it says 'Folk Music at 8:30'. Oh! ..."


28 Nov 03 - 08:14 AM (#1062494)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!

Over heard in Coseley, Birmingham.
ENOCH:- "What are you making Horace?"
HORACE:- "A rocket"
ENOCH:- "What for?"
HORACE:- "I`m going to fly to the sun"
ENOCH:- "You`ll get all burned up"
HORACE:- "I`m going an night!"

28 Nov 03 - 08:46 AM (#1062506)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: Ian

Subject: FW: Taglines

Imagine if....

          Imagine if all major retailers started making their
own condoms
                and kept the same tagline............

          Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
          Tesco Condoms - every little helps
          Nike Condoms - Just do it.
          Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
          Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
          KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.
          Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
          Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
          Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
          Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
          Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
          Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less,it's that simple
          Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
          Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper
          Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"
          FCUK condoms - no comment required.
          Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
          Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork.
          Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.
          On digital condoms - plug and play!!!!
          Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
          Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
          Renault condoms - size really does matter!
          Maltesers condoms - the lighter way to enjoy chocolate
          Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin
          Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes
          Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim
          Heinekin condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
          Carling condoms - probably the best condom in the world
          Mars condoms - a condom a day helps you work, rest & play.
          AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
          Pepperoni condoms - it a bit of an animal
          Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

28 Nov 03 - 01:08 PM (#1062643)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: GUEST,jim clark london england.


The run on Condoms is brilliant ha ha.


28 Nov 03 - 01:22 PM (#1062648)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: GUEST,jim clark london england.

How about some more well known slogans applied to the condom.

Extra strong mint condoms - You either love e'm or you hate e'm
Esso Condoms - Put a tiger in your tank
Kodak condoms - Capture the moment
Macdonald's condoms better known as - The double cheeseburgher

Come on help me out as you can no doubt tell i'm struggling ha ha.



28 Nov 03 - 01:24 PM (#1062650)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: GUEST,jim clark london england.

Opal fruits(Starburst Condoms) - made to make your mouth water

28 Nov 03 - 02:38 PM (#1062676)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: HuwG

Apparently a true story, though Les Dawson picked it up as a joke. A radio DJ announces, "This next record has been requested for a Mr. Smith, who is one hundred and eleven. Congratulations Mr. Smith. One hundred and eleven is a remarkable age to reach, and we wish you the best."

The track is played, the DJ comes back on the air and says apologetically, "I'm very sorry. That last track was actually meant for a Mr. Smith who is ILL."

29 Nov 03 - 07:54 AM (#1062736)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: GUEST,noddy

I dont care what star you are following!....GET THOSE CAMELS OUT OF MY GARDEN.

I dont care what you are doing up here !.....GET THOSE REINDEER OFF MY ROOF.

29 Nov 03 - 07:55 AM (#1062738)
Subject: RE: Jokes please !!!!!!
From: GUEST,van lingle

A doctor gets off duty from the hospital everyday at 5 P.M. and proceeds to the bar across the street where Dick, the bartender, has an almond daiquiri waiting for him at 5:10 every evening without fail. Well, on one particular evening Dick finds he's out of almonds and panic sets in as all he can find are hickory nuts. So he throws a handful of them in the blender and whips up the doctor's cocktail and places on the bar just as he sits on the stool. The doctor takes a sip and says "That's not an almond daiquiri, Dick." And Dick replies "You're right, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."