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03 Dec 03 - 03:08 PM (#1064963) Subject: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage A pickup truck crunches into the gravel drive and parking lot in front of a smallish solid log building. A warm glow eminates from the windows on the front and those in view on the side. Smoke curls from the chimney and occasional puffs of smoke come from behind the building. "Ah! It looks like MMario is stoking up the smoker for the auroch already!" A small noise in the doorway attracts your attention to the small tidy cat, every hair in place in a fluffy winter coat. The cats have stayed cleaner this autumn, ever since the jello pit was filled in and that spot was plumbed and wired for a large 16-seater hot tub. The cats like to walk around the outer rim and bump their heads into the heads of the occasional patrons who take time for a hot soak. Sage heads to the back of her pickup truck and pulls out a heavy cooler filled with salmon destined for the smoker and lugs it into the tavern and leaves it beside the door into the kitchen, then heads back out to retreive the box of Norwegian breads and cookies. The front room is looking good, and a freshly cut tree is propped in the corner next to a tree stand. Someone has been busy getting ready for the holiday bash. The washrooms are tidy and empty of occupants, and there is no duct tape extant anywhere in the building, save the lone large roll tucked under the bar. A warm breeze blows in from that southern door that sits ajar. This is where the Oz contingent have been known to enter, while there is a sharp cold draft and a snowy aspect through the glass in the top of the closed northern door. The folks from the north end of the northern hemisphere usually track snow in through this portal. Funny, but you can't see these doors when you're out in the drive or the parking lot. All in all, it has been nicely cleaned up and put to rights after last year. Anybody here? There's a thump and rustling sounds come from the kitchen. . . |
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03 Dec 03 - 03:25 PM (#1064973) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee And with a squeal of brakes two overloaded trucks, each pulling a double trailer, pull into the parking lot. "Where do ya want 'em?" asks one driver. "They's a gift from the Idaho Catters. Spuds and lentils. Got 28 tons of each, and if you don't have a place for 'em we're gonna dump 'em right here. We got schedules to keep." And he spit a wad of tobacco juice onto the gravel. |
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03 Dec 03 - 03:29 PM (#1064976) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck A cough echoes from the left hand alcove. A voice intones " Thank Christ someone is here at last. I was beginnning to think it might be just me and the bar staff..." |
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03 Dec 03 - 03:30 PM (#1064978) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Pull up a stool and I'll get some in before the rush! |
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03 Dec 03 - 03:41 PM (#1064985) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario Is the kitchen ready? I've got a brand new copy of 'Cooking the mythological Beast in Modern Times - I thought perhaps this year we could try some wyvern. I'm not sure Aurochs is going to satisfy everyone. Did the potatoes and lentils for the stew arrive? |
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03 Dec 03 - 03:58 PM (#1064998) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Catherine Jayne Well these bloody crutches are a real inconvenience but I've made it here at last!!!! Pour me a large whiskey and pass the nibbles!!! |
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03 Dec 03 - 03:59 PM (#1064999) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage I'll just pop out to the truck for the industrial sized jar of bay leaves and a box of onions I picked from the garden. Geoff t. Duck, were you humming to yourself or strumming an instrument when I first came in? I thought I heard a radio playing, but perhaps it was you? |
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03 Dec 03 - 04:49 PM (#1065025) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie Howsabout a Christmas belly dance? |
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03 Dec 03 - 05:44 PM (#1065061) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Is that credit card still around here that people charged the booze on for the last couple of years? It's time to check the credit limit and break out a few bottles! |
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03 Dec 03 - 06:22 PM (#1065090) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Isn't that on the table in the back, the card that has "George W. Bush" as the cardholder? |
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03 Dec 03 - 06:55 PM (#1065108) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Santa Cruz & Elf Dude Yo! Mudcattin' dudes and dudettes! What's the haps? Jus' wanted to let you 'Catters know that Santa Cruz and Elf Dude have been bustin' ass makin' really cool stuff fer you guys. Lotsa guitars and mandolins and pennywhistles and such. Like, we're ready and waitin' fer yer cards an' letters to start rollin' in, so don't be draggin' ass and waitin' 'til the last minute, okay?. We don't do stress real well, you know. We been layin' off th' magic dust so, like, we can read 'em without makin' so many mistakes. Man! We're really sorry about all the screwups last year. Like whoever it was wanted a new banjo and got a Care Bear doll instead. Hey, if it means anything to ya, the little girl that was supposed to get the Care Bear's playin' a really mean-assed "Clinch Mountain Backstep". And we promise to remember that guitars don't bounce so, like, just throwin' 'em from the sleigh's not such a good idea, huh? We'll be checkin' back in with you guys later. Have fun at yer party. Don't get too wasted. Ho, ho, ho and all that shit. Santa Cruz an' Elf Dude |
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03 Dec 03 - 07:33 PM (#1065134) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage No no no! I wouldn't let Dubya pay for my drinks! No, this was left behind a couple of years ago by a regular Mudcatter. And it seems to automatically pay for itself. |
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03 Dec 03 - 07:46 PM (#1065142) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Noreen Yes, Bert's Gold Card behind the bar is still current- the expiry date magically moves on every year! ermm.... folks.... (in a shy voice) Can I introduce my friend? We've brought our own mistletoe... and he makes a really hot chilli... err, no, I don't think his chilli recipe calls for lentils... |
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03 Dec 03 - 07:52 PM (#1065150) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Yeah, well, thank f*%$ for that..... had a fairly shitty week so far and it's only Wednesday, so lie me under the barrel and let me forget for a while. LTS |
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03 Dec 03 - 07:58 PM (#1065154) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Tweed "Scoot over Liz" eggsclamed pore Tweed,"Are ye nekkid? I hab chocolate reighndeers in my pocket!" |
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03 Dec 03 - 08:00 PM (#1065156) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Peg aw, Liz..cheer up! I have brought homemade truffles! They just need to "set up" for another hour or so... (Peg darts into the kitchen to find a nice cool corner to set them in) Okay, I'll have a nice single malt Irish whiskey... and does anyone mind if I build up the fire a bit? it's COLD out there! Kat, how's the knee? I can see you're soon to be feeling no pain! I have had a crap week so far too, but am ready to forget my troubles... |
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03 Dec 03 - 08:52 PM (#1065183) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Amos Peg, lemme pull up alongside and raise a glass of single malt and ask you for a sweet song for releasing crappy weeks and worldly troubles. I am (in 3D) just leaving to tear through the midnight desert to Arizona to sit in on the last few minutes of BBW's Dad, a grim duty but one honorable to do and well deserved. Don't mind, then, as I slip out the back as soon as your song is done! Love this crew, and you, truly. A |
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03 Dec 03 - 09:10 PM (#1065192) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Tony minus cookie Tony the ex-patriot Yorkshireman wanders in through the Southern door and notes the replacement of the Jello pit with a hot tub with approval. He sadly informs the other cats that poor old Kishi aka Camo passed on last June so won't be along to share the fun this year, then shouts steak tartare and baileys all round for them. Now, how much room have we got for dancing - Kat looks a bit of a lost cause this year but Liz and the belly dancer might be worth asking after a gin or two. What can the band play - come to that do we have a band yet? |
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03 Dec 03 - 09:31 PM (#1065201) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage Since Bert's card is still good, see if there's a nice cabernet savignon back there. I have been swamped all week myself and could stand a glass before contemplating the entertainment possibilities. I studied belly dancing myself MANY years ago, and have, after two children, cultivated a bit of a belly for it (while still managing to fit into a US size 8). Hmm, I didn't bring any apparel for the hot tub--would anyone mind if I climbed in in my underwear? (Victoria's Secret, of course!) |
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03 Dec 03 - 09:59 PM (#1065203) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rustic Rebel I walk in through the northern door shaking off the cold and snow. I had a hell of a time getting here tonight, the roads are slicker than snot out there. Hey all! Happy Christmas! I thought I would turn you all on to my pumpkin pie drink this year. A little something I created awhile back. I brought enough fixings to put an auroch on his knees. I forgot to add this to the 'Whiskey before breakfast' cookbook, but all I do is mix up pumpkin, spices, cream and rum and blend it with ice, top it with whipped cream and here's to you. I'll start blending some up and passing out some shots if I have any takers. I see we have felines in the bar again this year. Please kitty stay away from me. After last year and the cat attack to my boobs I'm still leaking. (where do you think I got the cream for the drinks?!) MMario- Is there a blender in the kitchen?... |
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03 Dec 03 - 10:09 PM (#1065207) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: open mike clothing optional tub would be the best way.. and hopefully all who want are able to get in. should we have a ramp or a diving board for entree! no splashing on the instruments, though. here is a yule log to put on the fire... to bring warmth and cheer to all. did you say bailey's? yes, please! |
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03 Dec 03 - 10:13 PM (#1065208) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee And at the door stands a raggy man, begrimed, bewhiskered, and benighted, the very picture of poverty. "Wouldst help a poor, yet educated, fellow who just bought a house and is now amongst the downtrodden of the Earth?" he asks, tentatively holding out a ten-gallon mug. "I've just moved from the Effete East to the Wild West, and this is the smallest drinking vessel that fit. Just fill it up with that Johnny Walker Blue for a starter, like a good human being." There is some whispering, as the Raggy Man is dressed in angora chaps, thigh-high riding boots, and a swept-hilted rapier. And, except for his glasses, nothing else. He suddenly realizes that his costume leaves something to be desired and in embarassment rushes out the door. Within a micromoment he is back, dressed as before, but now wearing a black 10X Stetson with a PRCA crease and roll and sporting a rattlesnake hatband. "Gentlemen ALWAYS wear the correct headgear," he says, taking a sip from his mighty mug. |
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03 Dec 03 - 10:28 PM (#1065214) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST |
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03 Dec 03 - 10:31 PM (#1065216) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MAG at work Aha, for the season we need a very very large wooden bowl -- like the one under my arm -- filled with mulled cider -- like in this jug -- and in true wassail fashion throw in whatever you got -- in my case, a pint of Hennessey. Band? pick-up band? well, I just happen to have my band book, my guitar cum pickup, and my new peavey solo amp (this season's present to myself) with. Angelina Baker anybody? Who's calling? |
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03 Dec 03 - 10:34 PM (#1065218) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee "A peavey?" asks the Raggy Man. "Wait one, I think I've got one in my truck." A minute later he returns, instrument in hand. "Sorry," he says, "no peavey. Will this cant hook work instead?" |
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03 Dec 03 - 10:42 PM (#1065221) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,freds Merry Joyous Season, Good Friends! We have come to make merry with you, and to observe another of your festive celebrations. Do you mind if we drink some of these lentils? Thank you. If you wish, we play a mean escolutane and would be happy to perform, if you have a 1711.67 volt DC outlet for the pramplifire. |
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03 Dec 03 - 10:56 PM (#1065227) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Lonesome EJ LEJ enters, unloops the long muffler from around his throat, knocks the snow off his top hat, removes his wool mittens and rubs his hands in the warmth of the fire. Greeting the crowd in the Tavern, he pours himself a mug of mulled wine, lights two candles on a shelf behind the bar, and ties a rather dingy apron around his middle Aye, not a fit night out for man, beast, nor Mudcatter. On such a night, how fine it is to feel the warmth of the fire, hear the music of the harp and dulcimer, drink deep of the spirit of the season pauses here to tip up his mug and enjoy the company of convivial friends. A Merry Christmas to all of ye! |
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03 Dec 03 - 10:58 PM (#1065228) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Lonesome EJ and taking a seat behind the bar, he rubs his head in consternation and studies a book called Common Mistakes in HTML and How to Fix Them |
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04 Dec 03 - 12:50 AM (#1065249) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage
MMario, are you talking about some of this? Does it taste like chicken? Should I see if there is some soy sauce or Worchester sauce out in the back of the pickup? |
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04 Dec 03 - 12:52 AM (#1065251) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage Wor-chester-shire. Maybe it would be easier just to get some A-1. :) |
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04 Dec 03 - 02:34 AM (#1065281) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: open mike Sorcha has a great recipe for home made "W" sauce (Wor-ches-ter-shire, not Wyvern) perhaps she would like to snuggle up in a big chair with a blankie by the fire and relax and sit a spell & if she is feeling like eating we can serve her up some munchies and she won't have to cook or clean, just relax. hey look the grey hound bus just pulled up and here comes maid marion fiddle in hand and guitar too. vegetarian food only please. though smoked salmon might be considered o.k.!! i brought some hickory, alder and apple weood for the smoker is that what the puffs of smoke out back are coming from or is there something else goin on out there?? |
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04 Dec 03 - 03:48 AM (#1065305) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Roger the Skiffler Are you sure the cats are gone? I just stepped in something just outside the door. I think it's shinola. You know me I can't tell.... I've finished my last bottle of 3-star Metaxas at home so I've come here for a small drop, before I start on the seven-star and the Cypriot brandy. Herself wanted to use it in the Xmas puddings, but I checked the fire insurance and it's an excluded risk. How do we get a space in the hot tub? Is it by lots, or first come first served. (Waddya mean no-one is to "come" in the hot tub?? Keep it clean, it is Xmas.) RtS |
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04 Dec 03 - 07:00 AM (#1065366) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Liz & Kat - stop hogging those barrels and let me see what real ale we've got on this year. This looks interesting, we seem to have Jockstrap's "Santa's Old Bollocks" (7.3% abv) and "Full Frontal Lobotomy" (8.8% abv) from the Nissed Pewt Brewery company. Well there's no point in drinking the weak stuff, so I'll fill my quart tankard with the FFL. What's that funny smell ? - oh Liz, are drinking the Jockstrap's ? - someone should have warned you about the flatulence problem with their beers. According to the CAMRA magazine, the brewery chairman is a great supporter of alternative energy sources and developed his ales accordingly. All the brewery vehicles (including the directors' Rolls Royces) are methane powered. Can anyone find an suitable "No Naked Lights" sign to stick on the LtS derriere ? |
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04 Dec 03 - 07:29 AM (#1065379) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: InOBU Well, it is Carabou and Yorkshire Pud from Genie and me, glazed with Dejon mustard, splash of cream sherry spikes of garlic, and hopefully Kev McGraw will show up and accompany me and me ould Uilleann Pipes to play Engine 33 to remember Friends not here, and then some Xmas music... Genie offers bathing suits to those in the clothing optional hot tub... Mmmmm time to pour the pudding into the hot drippings.... Cheers Larry |
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04 Dec 03 - 07:36 AM (#1065385) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,catsphiddle! Just coz Im on sticks doesn't mean I can't dance!!! Sorry Dave for hogging the barrel.....are you sure you want it now I've had my mouth round the tap??!!!!!!!...well it was worth a try to keep it all to myself!! mmmmmm chilli sounds good!! |
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04 Dec 03 - 07:50 AM (#1065397) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: The Fooles Troupe A strange looking person, wearing the front half of a Panto horse, shambles in and starts to pester people to by tickets for The Mudcat Christmas Panto 2003 ... |
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04 Dec 03 - 08:25 AM (#1065414) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario I was thinking something - maybe Tandoori Wyvern? Yes - tastes a lot like chicken - but the Wyvern I got was a "free-flight" wyvern - so the meat tends to be darker - just a touch of gamyness - maybe it takes more like quail then chicken? |
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04 Dec 03 - 09:47 AM (#1065453) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: InOBU I read my post to Genie, before she left for work, have to tell you all her reaction... contented grin as she puttered about saying, yes yes yes, forgetfull mudcatters... forgot their bathing suits, lets see, big shoping bag of bathing suits for all... Cheers Larry |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:07 AM (#1065460) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Roger the Skiffler Shame about the jello pit. It got three stars in last year's Festive Season issue of Female Nude Mudwrestler's Monthly (I buy it for the crossword). Now look at all the notices above the hot tub: "No nudity, no drinking, no farting, no cavorting." No fun. Just let me get the liquid paper and cover up all those nos RtS |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:09 AM (#1065461) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Larry, you call that little eye patch and dixie cups on a string a bathing suit? Where did Genie do her shopping?! I noticed the small print on the side of the tub--it said "suggested seating--16 really really big adults--may hold up to 24 of the more standard size adults". And cannonballs are forbidden! catsPHiddle, did you notice the trapeze harness hanging from the ceiling? If you look up into the rafters (since we have a nice cathedral ceiling in here) you'll see a couple of pipes and a pully system. Just fasten yourself into the harness and adjust the tension on the line so it keeps you upright and you can walk around the room without the stick. Just don't get tangled in the tree, and for god's sake, no one push that little red button beside the bar while she's wearing it! I hate to think of what could happen. . . |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:14 AM (#1065463) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Peg well, the truffles got scarfed (shame on you catters, eating your sweets before your savories!) so I'm off to the kitchen to help those that are rustling up some grub. Erm, I think I'll just finish off this whiskey so it doesn't, ah, gather dust...thank ye Amos. Must think of another song while I'm in the kitchen..maybe the Wexford Carol with those spiffy new lyrics from Renbourne...one for the quiet moments 'round the fire later. Wow. The kitchen is remarkably clean considering there's some hot necking going on in the pantry, and several people at the counter, scratching their heads standing round an old copy of Martha Stewart's Living and several boxes of confectioner's sugar, a bag of gumdrops, and a jar of silver candy balls...wait, is that a gingerbread house you're bulding?!? Okay, good luck, you guys. How about (a few of my specialties): Cream of mushroom soup with champagne and tarragon? Venison medallions, soaked in a Guinness-Worcestershire marinade and fried in butter? Broiled salmon steaks, drizzled with a honey-lemon-garlic-cumin-red pepper glaze? Red potatoes done with butter and fresh parsley? and for dessert...spicy, clovy gingerbread, still warm from the oven, with real whipped cream. Oh, and later, I can make some real hot chocolate with Peppermint Schnapps...mmm... all this dairy wreaks havoc with the singing voice! But what the hell, it's the holidays. |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:20 AM (#1065465) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Sounds great, Peg! I heard tell of that gingerbread house, a super-duper two-storey one. But make the openings small or the cats will try to visit the inside. Honk honk Oh oh. Sounds like Canadian geese. Or were those distant calls Trumpeter Swans? Did someone leave that north door open? Birds that big could really take up an awful lot of room in the tub. Better shut the door, someone. . . |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:30 AM (#1065470) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario Peg - can I apprentice to you? Sorry about the Living magazine - it was supposed to go back behind the bushes for the 'possum. Can a 1/25 reproduction of Mont St. Michel qualify as a gingerbread house? We were thinking of doing Schloss Stolzenfels but decided that would be a bit much. |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:30 AM (#1065471) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Peg hmm, I know the geese HERE are saying "Wha happen?" with this sudden drop in temperature. Some winters it's so warm they have plenty to eat; some years (like last year and perhaps this one) they face lots of snow and cold. Confusing for them, and many stay in Boston year round because of milder winters in recent years. Let's put some corn and bread and cranberries out for them, shall we? Maybe we could even get some of those lazy gits by the faire to make cranberry-popcorn strings for the trees outside? Easy enough to do even after a half-barrel of ale... |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:31 AM (#1065473) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Alaska Mike Alaska Mike appears at the door in sandals, bermuda shorts and his brightest Aloha shirt. "Hi gang. It sure is nice to travel south where its warm. Can I leave this door open?" He places the large platter of smoked salmon on the serving table, taps the keg of homebrewed Porter and quickly wishes all Mudcatters the happiest of holidays. |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:34 AM (#1065476) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario They like Calypso in Alaska, right? I think there is a steel drum band in one of the back rooms. They were practicing 'Little Drummer Boy last I knew...steel drum and glockenspeil. |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:38 AM (#1065479) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Flutter Flap SwoopEr, Mike, you left that door open. Now look what has happened--I believe that's a mute swan and it headed straight for the tub. Better get those popcorn strings going if you're going to lure that big guy back out of there. |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:51 AM (#1065483) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario Welcome, Prince of Lir! Have you come to share our feast? |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:52 AM (#1065484) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant I don't think it's a swan from the Thames, so I suggest we catch it, wring it's neck, pluck it, and give it to MMario to cook. Hold on - I said P-L-U-C-K it - wait until the Welsh and Antipodean contingents arrive - I'm sure they'll bring some sheep. |
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04 Dec 03 - 11:33 AM (#1065504) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Peg Oh Dave, those geese never did anything to you! I prefer to eat critters raised for slaughter or hunted by locals...but heck, any way to cut down the population is okay, I guess. That venison did not wander in from the farm, that's for sure... maybe some late arrivals will bring in some roadkill, a pheasant or two, maybe a wild turkey? I have always thought yam was a better name for an animal than a tuber.. MMario, nice architecture on that gingerbread! But how many times must I tell you, Crisco really does make the best mortar for the chimney...save that fois gras for the hors d'oeuvres! |
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04 Dec 03 - 12:38 PM (#1065541) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant There used to be a swan who would come on board my boat every morning and bash on the cabin door with it's bill until I fed it. It wasn't the feeding that was the problem, it was the fact that it crapped all over the cockpit ! - I don't have a soft spot for swans at all. |
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04 Dec 03 - 12:47 PM (#1065545) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie Well, c'mon then Stilly, put on yer jingle bells and let's shimmy. |
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04 Dec 03 - 12:57 PM (#1065551) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee "Amber," says the chap in the chaps. "Alaskan Amber." And he holds out his mug. "Or Fat Tire. Or Black Butte. Or Firehouse. Or Polygamy. Or Provo Girl. Or Sierra Nevada. Actually, 'most anything except B*******r or C***s or S*****z or P****t or M*****s." He looks around and sees the smoked salmon. "Hot damn! Copper River or Bristol Bay?" |
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04 Dec 03 - 01:11 PM (#1065558) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Copper River, of course! And I included a few steelhead from up the Stillaguamish River (naturally!) KimC, I think your idea with the zils (those finger cymbols used in belly dancing) was a good idea. The swan was annoyed enough by the high-pitched ringing that it has moved outside again, and seems to be hovering around by the back door. I think someone tossed some sultanas out onto the snow for it. The tub must have felt a bit too much like a stew pot. |
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04 Dec 03 - 01:23 PM (#1065568) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,freds Thank you! We were not aware that you had Intergalactic Transponder Alarms! There's one over there, that little red button by the bar. Here, we'll push it and help will come and before you know it What? It's does what???? Oh, my. We're so very, very sorry. We simply haven't been the same since we inadvertently consumed Khandu. |
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04 Dec 03 - 02:49 PM (#1065613) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage One of the cats is boosted up to a beam near the ceiling and cleverly bats at the leather traces to dislodge the harness from the spot where it landed. Better reset that trapeze harness--catsPHiddle hasn't even had a chance to try it on yet. We don't want her to see this tangle and fear testing it. I'm sure that her body weight is enough to prevent this little mishap from happening again. . .
The cat curls up on the intersection of a couple of beams and peers down at the gathering crowd. The smells of spicy pumpkin drinks and smoked meats, fish, and tofu drift up to the rafters. |
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04 Dec 03 - 03:13 PM (#1065630) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: TheBigPinkLad Hi. I brought Turtles to go with the stout. Where's the stout? |
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04 Dec 03 - 03:15 PM (#1065634) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage What kind of turtles? |
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04 Dec 03 - 03:16 PM (#1065636) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: TheBigPinkLad Well chocloate ones of course. You look disappointed Sage ... |
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04 Dec 03 - 03:30 PM (#1065648) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario Stout is in the second beer case from the back, third door to the left after you go behind the bar. Don't trip over the cat. White chocolate, milk, dark, or bitter? cashews,almonds, brazil nuts, or pistachios in those turtles? |
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04 Dec 03 - 03:48 PM (#1065665) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Pecans? Walnuts? If walnuts, English or black? Roasted or un? Inquiring minds want to know! And don't forget the dried fruits and caramel and nougat and.... |
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04 Dec 03 - 03:54 PM (#1065672) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Kim C Mister's been brewing some double chocolate stout.... it should be ready by Christmas. It's mine mine mine but if y'all are really sweet, I might be convinced to share. Bring on the zils. I have an extra set if anyone needs some. :-) |
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04 Dec 03 - 04:17 PM (#1065689) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Donuel Here's your virtual tree http://www.angelfire.com/md2/customviolins/Fir8.jpg |
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04 Dec 03 - 04:31 PM (#1065696) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Here is a little one you can put on the end of the bar. |
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04 Dec 03 - 07:34 PM (#1065728) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Hmmm, bar snacks....yummy, I love angelica and fresh cranberries. Those angelica strands, they were a bit.... well, piney.... and the cranberries were well, not so much tart as bloody sharp. Hang on, what's this in my teeth? Bloody tinsel? Get me back to that barrel and sod the quenciquonces! Mind you, if anyone wants the balloons blowing up, see me in about 6 pints time. LTS |
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04 Dec 03 - 08:08 PM (#1065750) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: My guru always said Poor old Camo, things won't be the same around here.... What a Ride, wondered what all those tassles did! Now, how do I get down from here? That smoked Salmon has my name on it & I didn't get to finish that Steak Tartare either. This calls for a cunning plan.... Any handy firefighters in the house wanna rescue a poor stray kitty? Meeoowwww..... |
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04 Dec 03 - 09:27 PM (#1065781) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: SINSULL Carefully crawling throught the tiny hole in the northern corner comes SINSULL, hair coiffed, silk vested suit and high heels. She appears slightly disoriented and almost drops the deep dish pizza she is juggling along with a lap top, a calculator, and a pocket protector. "Help me" she mumbles. "Please help me." They are making me jump up and down chanting "I feel healthy! I feel happy! I feel terrific!" Actually, I think I am going to puke... She skulks over to a dark table in a darker corner and grabs a double JD on the rocks along the way. F**Kin' sales seminars! Just a moment's peace without the motivational noise track. Please. Just one moment's peace. And maybe a banjo tune??? Before they take me back... |
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04 Dec 03 - 09:59 PM (#1065796) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Tinker SINS... just who are you working for???? That's the line they started us with back when I learnt to sell dictionaries !!!! Course I did end up meeting my husband out of that deal.... Come on girl lets just get you slid into the hot tub and bring all of that energy to a place of dissipation.... |
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04 Dec 03 - 10:14 PM (#1065800) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage My thought exactly. Sounds like a good soak and some good music will put you to rights. (Me, I snuck out back and cooked a batch of homemade ravioli for my kids--they loved it and I feel great at their pleasure with the meal.) Come to think of it, I think I'll join you.
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04 Dec 03 - 10:58 PM (#1065815) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: artbrooks Hummmm...the East India Company paper is off to a good start, and the one on politics in medieval Italian towns is starting to perk...time for a good brain flush! Did anybody bring some Arrogant Bastard Ale? Who said that Rapaire was drinking Rocky Mountain Panther Piss? Never happen! Room for me in the hot tub? I promise to leave my shorts on, out of consideration for public decency. |
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04 Dec 03 - 11:25 PM (#1065822) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: The Fooles Troupe Robin wanders in with a Quince Tart |
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05 Dec 03 - 06:59 AM (#1065961) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Kat - I know that you've been drinking the FFL and that crutch and crotch sound similiar, but I really think you shouldn't do that in polite company ! |
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05 Dec 03 - 08:05 AM (#1065982) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee "No, no thanks, no hot tub right now. My rapier would get rusty, my boots would be first squishy and then unbendable, and it would play pure hell with the angora chaps. You do know that the "ch" sound in "chaps" is pronounced "sh", don't you? Anyway, sudden chaps shrinkage turned many a cowboy into a surprised soprano. The only preventives for catastrophic castration are either dry chaps or plate armor underwear. And the underwear can rust, positively preventing peepee and so I opt for dry chaps. I've learned all sort of Western Lore. Maybe later, thanks. Another tankard of RMPP, por favor." |
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05 Dec 03 - 08:16 AM (#1065992) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: InOBU Dave your swan story reminds me of when I was chief mate on a cattle boat (excursion boat...) a wooden working boat from 1910, a ketch used for dredging oysters... but I digress. Genie and I would be awakened by someone pacing the deck at night. and in the morning there would be HUGE bird droppings. It was a big ugly brown oily Greeb, who considered the boat his own. Like you, I could live with the heavy pacing, but the bird crap was impressive, but then again, the boat, being wooden, had to be washed down several times a day anyway... but swan crap in the cockpit, I can just emagine... wasail Larry |
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05 Dec 03 - 08:35 AM (#1066008) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck The Duck emerges from underneath a pile of coats, where he appears to have fallen asleep during a quiet stretch. SINSULL - Did you ask for banjo tunes. I think there's some on the Juke Box. He looks around the bar and spies the trapeze harness. Hey - is that for the cabaret? I heard that Dave Bryant was trying to book the Glossy Merkins Variety Show for a private function. Didn't realise it was for this party... Did he manage it, or are we just goint to have to put up with Gareth and the pantomime sheep again? Is there any chance you can rustle up a pint of Timothy Taylor's Porter? Ah, nectar... Ta. Quack! |
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05 Dec 03 - 08:39 AM (#1066013) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Swans? Swans? |
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05 Dec 03 - 08:39 AM (#1066014) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Glossy Merkins are still awaiting payment for the last gig they did.... them crotchless crutches cost you know! And then there's the shampoo and the insect repellant..... LTS |
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05 Dec 03 - 11:08 AM (#1066099) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Liz - Not to mention the deodorant spray and fire extinguisher as you've been drinking the Jockstrap's "Santa's Old Bollocks". I tell what - I'll polish up your merkin for you. Geoff - why settle for Timothy Taylor's when there's Nissed Pewt's FFL on offer - just look and see how relaxed Kat is - good lord I never thought it was possible to do that with a full length pair of crutches ! I'm on my second quart and watch - I can F-l-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y - c-r-a-s-h - Oh Shit ! |
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05 Dec 03 - 11:17 AM (#1066104) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: SINSULL soaking...soaking...what the mind of man cab conceive and believe he can achieve...hMMMMMM Isn't that what Paw and Cletus are always saying? |
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05 Dec 03 - 11:21 AM (#1066109) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant I found this pin-up on the Desert Island thread - let's stick it up on the wall of the gent's bog. |
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05 Dec 03 - 11:53 AM (#1066129) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Okay. And here's one for the women's loo. |
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05 Dec 03 - 12:03 PM (#1066134) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Liz - can't you get NHS crutches instead??? You could use them for swatting the insects! Quack! |
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05 Dec 03 - 12:16 PM (#1066140) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Barkeep! I'd like some of Rustic Rebel's pumpkin pie drink. Can you put something in for a little kick? And a slice of that quince tart, please. |
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05 Dec 03 - 12:20 PM (#1066143) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Oh, dammit, I told Calvin Klein not to use my picture!! |
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05 Dec 03 - 12:32 PM (#1066151) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage What, pray-tell, were you doing in the women's loo? |
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05 Dec 03 - 12:44 PM (#1066157) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Cluin The guy looks a little deformed. Did somebody whack him in the gut with an axe? |
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05 Dec 03 - 01:17 PM (#1066170) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Just my face. I just peeked in and Calvin Klein took my picture. Then he puts it on some sort of alien body. Just you wait, Calvin baby, just you wait! |
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05 Dec 03 - 02:34 PM (#1066211) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage How's the wyvern coming along, and did you say you were going to do some auroch this year, MMario? Is that music I hear coming from outside? It's about time! |
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05 Dec 03 - 06:50 PM (#1066372) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak So where's the guy for real women then? He looks a real action man, all flock hair and no genitals. Give us someone like http://www.allposters.com/gallery.asp?aid=384362&item=307259 to look at.... Back in a while... slurp LTS |
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05 Dec 03 - 08:01 PM (#1066438) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: moonglow Kicking snow off her boots, Moonglow wanders in carrying a large jar of pickled herring and a handful of birds. Peg- Here's the quail you wanted, and sorry if you wanted the tag number, it was pretty dark when I picked them up. Moon slides the jar onto the counter and plops down next to a cat in front of the fireplace. |
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05 Dec 03 - 08:23 PM (#1066457) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Ahh, that's better.. .anyone got a cigarette I can bum? mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... Move over, pusscat, I need the beer! LTS |
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05 Dec 03 - 09:46 PM (#1066479) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Moonglow, slide that jar of herring over here, please! Barkeep, slide me a fork! Thanks! (And Moonglow, if your quail reference is to Bailey White, I love that essay!) I haven't wanted to hover too much in here, though I have busied myself by throwing a lot of balls into the air. What I'm really hoping is that catsPHiddle will come by and test out that trapeze gizmo. It has real potential to be the life of the party, so to speak, if she can dance a jig. But since she's not around, maybe I can convince another |
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05 Dec 03 - 09:56 PM (#1066486) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MAG Ah, here I am with my virtual knee braces, in my perennial search for a man who can waltz. I might look big, but I am very light on my feet. Just don't steer us anywhere near that wet floor by the hot tub. |
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05 Dec 03 - 10:03 PM (#1066491) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Ralphs Har! Greetings, Mudcat people! Har! In case you haven't met us, we are Ralphs. Har! Ralphs are the most annoying race of more-or-less humanoid types in the known Universe. Har! What's so annoying about Ralphs is that we say "Har!" at the end of every sentence. Har! It really starts to get on people's nerves after a while. Har! We just noticed that those stinking freds had stopped by to wish you happy holidays, so we thought we'd do the same. Har! So... Happy Harlidays! Har! Har! Har! |
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05 Dec 03 - 10:08 PM (#1066494) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: moonglow -looks around to see if anyone is watching- Moon straps herself into the harness, cautiously pushes the red button, and is flipped into the air. Sitting in the rafters, she looks down at the party and pets a cat who happens to be up there too. |
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05 Dec 03 - 10:21 PM (#1066498) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Bee-dubya-ell Naw! That pinup guy'll never work. You know Mudcat wimmen like old farts with beards. Well... maybe it's not so much likin' 'em as feelin' sorry for 'em. Sorta like stray Golden Retrievers. By the way, what's a Golden and why did they have to breed a special kind of dog just to retrieve 'em? Wouldn't Labrador Retrievers have worked just as well? Just get 'em to go retrieve a few Goldens after they've finished retrieving Labrador. Somebody pass me a banjo and I'll shut up. |
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06 Dec 03 - 05:18 AM (#1066589) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dead Horse Somebody mention "Old farts with beards"? Taint no way to talk about my wife! |
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06 Dec 03 - 10:19 AM (#1066673) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Peg Old farts with beards? Hmm, maybe in a few years! though there's a young one with a beard I like more and more: Karl Urban, who plays Eomer in Return of the King. Yummy! (I saw it on Thursday at a press screening). Quail? I do not know the literary reference, but I would be happy to have a goat cooking the little things. My dad used to raise them in our garage. I can't remember why. He raised chinchilla for a time, too. I think these birds would do nicely if we rub them with garlic and olive oil, crushed thyme, black pepper and coarse salt, and spit-roast them over the fire...no forks and knives allowed, hands only! very Henry the Eighth... |
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06 Dec 03 - 05:24 PM (#1066927) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage Or even better, Very Tom Jones! |
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06 Dec 03 - 05:34 PM (#1066936) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: The Fooles Troupe Robin can be seen playing the Comb. |
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06 Dec 03 - 05:47 PM (#1066945) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: InOBU HEY! Some one pop over to Toronto and bring Heather and Rick out here!!!! Cheers Larry |
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06 Dec 03 - 05:57 PM (#1066955) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: The Fooles Troupe Robin wanders back "Anyone for Cheesecake"? No, no, no, the stuff you eat! Robin |
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06 Dec 03 - 06:18 PM (#1066964) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Cluin Well, I'm in the mood for some eggnog... a cup of holiday spirit, straight from the chicken's ass! |
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06 Dec 03 - 07:30 PM (#1067022) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Bee-dubya-ell By God! He's figured it out! Golden Retrievers are so called because the are specially bred to retrieve golden pheasants ! Rather pretty things, aren't they? But, what the hell! We gotta have sustenance! You dogs get off your lazy asses and go retrieve a couple dozen of 'em! Fetch 'em back an' give 'em to Mmario. Dunno if he's got any glass to put 'em under but he's an imaginative guy. He'll think of somethin'. |
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06 Dec 03 - 10:50 PM (#1067058) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: SINSULL soaking...soaking... |
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07 Dec 03 - 12:45 AM (#1067084) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Give 'em to Spaw -- pheasant under gas!!! |
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07 Dec 03 - 05:06 AM (#1067119) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Peg - singing from the same hymn sheet sister!!! Phroooaaarrrrrrrrr Now slide on over to that bottle of Baileys and lets have a girlie moment..... LTS |
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07 Dec 03 - 11:10 AM (#1067240) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage Whoa, Sage thinks, as she walks out of the side hallway door where the tiny tavern office is located (and where it looks like the bills were all paid on that VISA card this week, through secure internet servers) we need to have Max come take a look at this computer in here. It seems to have crashed, just like mine at home! (She is ready to turn hers on and tell it C:format and start from scratch!) I'm not much of a performer myself, but I've brought in some old technology, if anyone has a record player around here. I brought some Stan Boreson christmas parodies and four of Ed McCurdy singing some of his Dalliance songs. Just in case no more live music happens (the hot tub is getting full, and so far no one has taken in a musical instrument). |
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07 Dec 03 - 11:14 AM (#1067245) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Peg ooh, Liz thanks for that link! I did see The Price of Milk but I think he was short-haired and clean-shaven...he is much hotter as Eomer! Too bad he is all the way down in Australia!!! (Peg begins to drown her sorrows in Bailey's) |
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07 Dec 03 - 01:20 PM (#1067311) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage I hate to admit it, but I've never tried Bailey's. What's it taste like, Peg? I've had enough of that pumpkin drink for now. Sage leans back in the hot tub, listening to the silliness of Stan Boreson. She squints, rubs her eyes, and peers into the rafters. Who's that up there with the cat? Wait! WAIT! No Cannonballs!Look OUT! Incoming! |
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07 Dec 03 - 02:17 PM (#1067334) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: artbrooks Hey! I gotta record player! {wonder where I put that crank?} |
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07 Dec 03 - 06:24 PM (#1067452) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: open mike what aRE SPICY PUMPKIN DRINKS/ ? i found some pumpkin ale but it didn't taste like squash... here is some cat nip for the kitties...should prove entertaining. and how about a big crock pot of hot spiced/mulled cider to add a wonderful aroma to the air... cinnamon! cloves! orange peel! |
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07 Dec 03 - 06:40 PM (#1067462) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Peg Bailey's Irish Cream is, to me, a combination of different flavors, like coffee, hazelnut, almond, etc. I am sure it is based on something specific but can't think what that is at the moment...it makes a lovely drink in coffee, with or withour whippedcream, or over ice... One of the nicest compliments/come-ons ever: when, at a casual song circle that happened impromptu around a campfire at the Rollrights, two days after Summer Solstice, a handsome young men with a guitar said to me, after I sang something or other, "Your voice is like Irish Cream pouring over ice." I dunno if it was or it wasn't but he got lucky anyway! |
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07 Dec 03 - 06:47 PM (#1067473) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Cluin *making a note* ...gotta remember that one... |
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07 Dec 03 - 08:37 PM (#1067546) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario Peg - I think that is a *very* good description of your voice. |
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07 Dec 03 - 08:48 PM (#1067552) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Peg Thanks, MMario...it sounded nice with the English accent, anyway... Okay, folks, it's getting a bit too cozy in here: anyone for a dip in the hot tub and then a roll in the snow??? |
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07 Dec 03 - 09:01 PM (#1067557) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Bee-dubya-ell Cozy? Fit all these people into this hot tub for a dip and we'll find out what "cozy" is. May I have my foot back when you're finished standing on it? Oh you're not standing on it? So that's not your foot? Is it somebody else's foot? Well if it's not your foot and it's not somebody else's foot what in the hell is it? |
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07 Dec 03 - 10:51 PM (#1067622) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: open mike HAS ANY ONE SEEN THE x-FILES ABOUT BIG BLUE? AN AQUATIC MONSTER SIMILAR TO NESSIE WHO WAS IN A LAKE IN--WHERE? GEORGIA? |
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07 Dec 03 - 11:42 PM (#1067637) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Bee-dubya-ell Suddenly the hot tub erupts into a froth of foaming water, beer and human bodies as something leaps from its depths, grabs a rafter, swings up onto it and grins down at the stunned hot-tubbers. "Oh my God!" they shout in unison, "It's... The Bearmat Demon!!! "So what in the hell is The Bearmat Demon?" you ask. Okay, here's the ten-cent answer so you won't have to go back and read all of last year's Christmas Tavern thread... About this time last year John From Hull was auctioning an autographed beer coaster through the Mudcat auction. In proper Hullese an autographed beer coaster is a "Singed Bearmat". That would be a "Signed Beermat" to those of us who spell normally. Anyway, somehow, the "Singed Bearmat" got loose from the auction and found its way into the Tavern where a tankard of some remarkably potent brew someone had cooked up got spilled on it, transforming it from a humble Bearmat into the dreaded "Bearmat Demon". It has apparently been hiding out in the hot-tub since last Christmas and it is angry, hungry and horny. Ignore it at your peril!!! |
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08 Dec 03 - 02:37 AM (#1067654) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MAG Er, there's a crockpot of hot cider "with" floating around already somewhere -- it was in a nice brown bowl but the crock pot kept it hotter. So, Mr. Bearmat, can you waltz? |
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08 Dec 03 - 08:25 AM (#1067730) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,catsphiddle sorry it has taken me so long to come out of the toilet but I was lost in a fantasy with the pin-up guy!!!! Before you drink the barrel dry Liz fill up my tankard please.....or could I borrow your 4 pinter......I don't have to top up as often!!! Arhhh Dave I do believe you are jealeous about what I can do with crotch/crutch.....does it make you feel inadequette??......... |
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08 Dec 03 - 08:42 AM (#1067734) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,the bleary-eyed MMario What year is it? Did I manage to get mack from 1842? only 17 shopping days shopping days left for Christmas! (Sixteen shopping days left before the first day of Hannakah!) |
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08 Dec 03 - 10:14 AM (#1067782) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Kat - I think that after the crutches, you'd find that pin-up guy inadequate ! - thank God they've got that handle thing on them sticking out at the top or you might lose them - but where have the rubber things that are supposed to be on the bottom ends gone ? There's plenty of the FFL left - it's a whole hogshead (54 gallons) - should see us for the next half hour or so - hang on Kat - here's a 60 pint pressure vessel. Now lets fill it up, hang it from the beam here, now let me have one of those crutches (better give it a wipe first) now if I attach this end to the tap with duct tape and tape over the other holes, you can put the other end in your mouth (for a change). Right - I'll turn on the tap - is that about the right rate of flow ? |
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08 Dec 03 - 11:22 AM (#1067812) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,catsphiddle Grand Dave!!!!! Now Dave.....Im not the one using my crutches as a sex aid but hey I won't tell if you wont!!!!!! The group of catters carol singing by the fire is growing...I might hop over there and join them....with my beer of course! |
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08 Dec 03 - 03:31 PM (#1067957) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!How'd I end up out here in the snowbank? There was an explosion of some sort. . .last thing I remember hearing was the description of Bailey's Irish Cream, and thinking it might be time to start drinking coffee. . . Two more bodies stir from within the snow bank, and an arm emerges from the white powder gripping a bottle by the neck. "It's safe, the booze is still safe!" groans Geoff the Duck. In his other hand is gripped the rubber ferrel from catsPHiddle's crutch. |
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08 Dec 03 - 03:35 PM (#1067961) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Welcome oh crutched one! We're really starting to boil. Join us in some of the South Yorkshire Carols. Pull up a pew and CLICK HERE. Brings back memories , doesn't it (Mind you it was only about 30 hours ago... Quack! GtD. |
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08 Dec 03 - 05:13 PM (#1068007) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Loooooooooooooooooooong John Sliver Whaal! Blow me down an' call me a lubber if it ain't me old shipmates! Whaal, no it's not, and if ye call me a lubber I'll drive me cutlass inta yer guts and use them to string me mandolele. Ye've not heard tell of a mandolele before, and if ye fill me glass with the best New England rum I'll tell ye about it. Thankee. The things outside do make a man thirsty, and getting the things inside does make a man. We was sailin' the Sea of Storms, we were, off Pizzen Head and we had a good and fair wind for the Langerhans Islands when the Captain espied a mighty flipper just three points off to larboard. We luffed a bit but managed to turn 'er when WHAT in the name of the Great Horn Knife Fork and Spoon is that thing out there that's full o' steamin' wimmen? Landlord, gimme a bottle and git outa me way!!! I've been seven years at sea and this ghost is gonna give 'em an ectoplasmic tickle! |
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08 Dec 03 - 05:19 PM (#1068013) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak I've still got my crutches somewhere, but I wore the knobs off them.... Perhaps if Limpit has finished playing with them, we can fix them up as extra drinking aids.... LTS |
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08 Dec 03 - 06:57 PM (#1068061) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario A salty young sailor just in from the sea With a beard that made him look older In his hand, tightly clenched was 5 pound, 50 p And he looked for a wench, for to hold her Chorus: Singin' how do you want it, and what do you like? I've been far out to sea for a hundred one nights A lovely young wench will soon be my delight But I fear that I can't hold it back for much longer C'mon everyone! join the chorus the next verse! The salty young sailor went into a pub His excitement had made him grow bolder But the only girl there looked a bit like his Mom So he left for she was so much older |
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08 Dec 03 - 07:09 PM (#1068071) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Dirty Old Git in the Corner I've still got my crutches somewhere, but I wore the knobs off them.... I'll bet that's not the only thing she's worn the knob off of. Heeyuck, heeyuck! |
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08 Dec 03 - 09:25 PM (#1068137) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage As the three soggy, steaming Mudcatters climb out of the snowbank and move back toward the door, they see the hot tub, with at least a dozen people in it, begin to churn, rather like a chaldron. Laughter erupts, then a woman lets out an unearthly squeal and shouts Turn down the Jacuzzi! I'd like a cup of that cider, please says Sage as she wraps up in her heavy robe and steps into sandals then moves toward the fire. This isn't the cold shower after the sauna routine she hoped to experience. The tub is beginning to look like a little Mudcat Maelstrom. The cats are beginning to move to the edges of the room, the swan hasn't been seen for a couple of hours, and the ducks are supiciously quiet high in the rafters. |
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08 Dec 03 - 10:20 PM (#1068159) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee He sees it, first as a whisp of the ghost of an image and then clearly. A tentacle. In the hot tub. Amidst the girlish laughter and masculine guffaws, a tentacle. Ah, well, he thinks, the giant squid deserves a break as well at the holidays. And who knows? Maybe some real thrills and chills for some. "Landlord," he says, holding out his ten-gallon mug, "fill 'er up with some of that Monogahela Red you keep for yourself." |
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08 Dec 03 - 11:40 PM (#1068207) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,B.M. Blake stumbles in, self-absorbed and vaguely aware of his surroundings. He functions only at an elemental level, surmising no further than that the familiar objects - tables, chairs, barstools, wall of liquor - must mean he is in a bar. The stale, musty smell he brings with him is a constant companion, a harbinger of Death if not Death proper. "Seems once I was at a Crossroads," he mumbles to himself. Blake catches a glimpse of the barkeep hunched over a book with the lettersHTML on the cover. Instinctively he saunters in that direction. "I must be at a Crossroads again." "Four Fingers -no, wait," says Blake, correcting himself, "Four Roses, I mean." But I shouldn't have to tell you that, he whispers to himself. "Four fingers of Four Roses, barkeep, if you please." The barkeep looks long at his strange customer. Blake undulates like some sort of billowy shadow and he can't be sure there's a face underneath the brim of the worn fedora. He begins to pour. From nowhere comes the hauntingly familiar strains of the instrumental version of 'The Shadow Of Your Smile.' "Surprised to see me?" says Blake. The barkeep searches the hollows of his eyes. A wry grin creeps across Blake's face. "You should be. How many characters come back to confront their creators? Not many, let me tell you. Disney would short circuit his cryogenic machine if Mickey tapped on his door. Wish I could write a book for you like Kilgore Trout did for his creator, but…." He lifts his drink to his lips and ponders the barkeep through the glass. "I'm your ghost of Mudcat past,"he says with solemn gravity. "You can't act like you don't know me -hell, you know me better than I know myself. You knew what I was going to do even before I did it. And now, I can say you made me what I am today. Which is, nothing...." Blake's demeanor becomes pensive and nostalgic. "I lived, man." 'Peter Gunn' fades up as Blake relives the glory days. "I breathed, I ate, I drank, I womanized." His gaze wanders past the barkeep to a point of limelight in the past, and Blake laughs appreciatively. "Back then, these threads were trembling with my escapades."He downs the remainder of his bourbon and pushes the glass towards the barkeep for a refill. Blake winks. "All because of you, my friend." The bourbon seems to invigorate Blake a little. He turns and takes a few confident steps into the bar's dining area. He looks around expansively and holds his glass high, as if toasting the esteemed patrons, past and present, who graced these hallowed walls with their presence. "'The more things change…'" Blake begins, then trails off. Something catches his attention. "I don't recall the belly dancer being here before. Nice touch. Adds class to the place. Much classier than the lime jello thing." He drops his eyes to the floor and once again seems to be lost in thoughts of the past. He turns and walks hesitantly back to the bar, softly gesturing to give form to a conclusion in his mind that had eluded him before, his footsteps echoing as if the place were empty. The music from nowhere stops. "See, you don't get it, man," Blake began, with a twisted smile. As he continued, he became more animated and fervent, gaining momentum with every revelation he hurled at the barkeep. "You don't realize. You put these things out here not knowing how people are gonna take them. People get dependent on these things, almost as dependent on them as I am on Four Roses. There's an obligation there, a responsibility. You introduce these things into peoples' lives, breathe life into them, nurture them, bring them along lovingly, and they become part of people, like I became part of this one guy, see, who was going through a difficult period, a messy divorce and a suicide attempt and the loss of the love of his life and his job and family and himself, everything, and he sort of, he sort of adopts me, see, 'cause my life is so much more exciting and purposeful than his, see, and he wants my life to be real and his to be some kind of bad dream that he'll wake up from eventually and I live in his head and he sort of becomes me, in a way, thinking 'What would Blake do in this situation?' at times, and then and then… What the hell happened man? I thought you loved me, I was your child you were my God, I the creation You the Creator, but you let me go, let me play the 'My God why hast thou forsaken me' theme, just let me languish out there on them cold threads like old clothes are discarded, you know, like there's no one to wear them anymore so what the hell? and so this guy he sort of goes too, I'm gone he's gone sort of thing. But I'm not really gone, see, I'm just out there in the ether sort of, waiting for someone to revive me, to give me a reprieve from this tortuous limbo, but…."Blake sighs deeply, exhausted of all his energy. The stanzas of an old country tune, the one with the line about 'one more for the road,' fade up as he finishes his drink and motions for the barkeep to pour him just a wee dram more. Blake smiles calmly. "But in the grand scheme of things, it don't mean squat." He downs his drink in one definitive gulp and sets the glass on the bar. Blake prepares to leave. A guest who had been eavesdropping on the tail end of Blake's tirade stops Blake as he turns to go. "Wait," he says, "What about the guy?" "Guy?" says Blake, puzzled. "What guy?" 'Oh Lonesome Me' fades up from nowhere as the barkeep clears the glass away. For the first time this evening the barkeep locks gazes with Blake. He notices Blake's eyes are old and gray, but there's something of a sad smile in them, the kind of smile engendered from the calm and almost welcome acceptance of an inescapably tragic fate. "And barkeep," he says, pushing his fedora back, "a Merry Christmas to ye as well." Blake wraps his trench coat a little tighter around his waist, pulls his hat down over his eyes, and opens the door. There's a brief inrush of cold air and a flurry of snow before 'Thanks For The Memories' fades away. |
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08 Dec 03 - 11:50 PM (#1068210) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Amos Aww, Jeeze. I missed the original. Man, I hate it when that happens. GImme a single malt. It has been a long weekend, a longer week. But I wish I coulda had some words with Blake, there...man, I sure do. |
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09 Dec 03 - 05:39 AM (#1068307) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck The Duck waddles up to the bar, gets a bottle of Young's Christmas Ale, and shuffles off close to the fire, fluffing his feathers out to dry them... He eyes the Jacuzzi suspiciously, not at all happy about the prospect of Giant Squid, but reckons that there are tastier morsels for it than a bedraggled duck. Soon he settles back into a reverie, dreaming of his script for "Macbeth the Pantomime". Every now and then we hear mutterings such as "Is this a dagger I see before me? OH NO IT ISN'T..." or "Tell me children - if you see Birnam Wood move, just shout out It's Moving..." |
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09 Dec 03 - 05:42 AM (#1068311) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Banquo's ghostly shape drifts across the floor of the Tavern and all the regulars at the bar shout . The duck wakes with a start! |
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09 Dec 03 - 03:05 PM (#1068646) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage . . . er, I heard it, did anyone else? It said "It's Behind You"The duck wasn't really that startled! It's just the echo in here, now that Moonglow and the cats and ducks are down out of the rafters. |
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10 Dec 03 - 04:25 AM (#1069093) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Sory for echoing... They keep telling me that Ducks don't echo! I think I need a Pusser's Rum to calm my nerves... Quack! |
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10 Dec 03 - 05:21 AM (#1069125) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Actually I think that this would suit a duck much better than rum - it's a drink made from Grande Marnier, Cointreau, and Citronge. I've made up about a litre of it. Just so that you're really feeling comfortable, why not soak yourself in this nice warm bath - until you |
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10 Dec 03 - 07:57 AM (#1069227) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Can I suggest that you do a turkey impression - take your orange and stick it up your... At this point the doors of the tavern swing open and an icy blast and a large dalmation dog rushes over to the Duck and Bryant. He shakes himself violently and showers half the occupants of the bar with icicles, a particularly large one impaling MMario's left hand, making him drop the martlet he is attempting to thread onto a skewer. Perhaps a case of sauce for the gander? With one voice, the shivering patronage roar "Out, Out Damned Spot!" |
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10 Dec 03 - 08:15 AM (#1069241) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dani Sheesh, I was hoping for a nice peaceful soak. Animals. Guess I'll head around the back and find a quiet spot to get a bonfire going. Come back in a little while and drag some rockers off the porch, will you? I brought some woolly blankets to wrap up in. We can rock and look at the stars while we toast our toes. A mugful of Jack Daniel's, or Jameson's if there be any left, will do just fine. Bee, you're welcome to my banjo, if you'll pick out a nice quiet carol or two for us to sing along. "Said the night wind to the shepherd boy..." Dani |
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10 Dec 03 - 09:54 AM (#1069325) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Bee-dubya-ell Thanks, Dani. Sorry, but my banjo Christmas carol repertoire is really limited - like zero. How about a nice version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"? Who's keeping an eye on the Bearmat Demon up there in the rafters? I'm tellin' ya, the little bastard's tricky.... |
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10 Dec 03 - 10:02 AM (#1069334) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario Luckily the Bearmat Demon has an aversion to Squid - so as long as Big Ol' Calimari is relaxing in the hot tub the Bearmat should stay away. Anyone seen my potato ricer? |
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10 Dec 03 - 10:27 AM (#1069373) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Amos Did some alien just pop in here and ruin the whole evenng, or what? A |
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10 Dec 03 - 10:36 AM (#1069384) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario You calling me an alien? Chocolate Bread Pudding after the Wyvern ? or do you think a Cranberry-Molasses Steamed Pudding ? |
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10 Dec 03 - 10:54 AM (#1069397) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant You never can trust a duck - now what am I going to do with all this plum sauce, cucumber, spring onions, and all these mandarin pancakes ? - no it wouldn't make a good suppository. Still at least I had a raincoat on when the dog shook itself - mind you I'm a bit damp becaus this mac is rather duff. |
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10 Dec 03 - 10:57 AM (#1069400) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario Dave - that stuff will all come in handy as soon as the Wyvern is ready (only a bit more in the smoker/sauna!) remember? it tastes like game bird. Duck is a game bird! Viola! |
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10 Dec 03 - 11:18 AM (#1069419) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Will you be cooking a Monopoly - it's a game board - or have I lost the threaD AGAIN? qUACK! gEOFF THE cAPSLOCK cHALLENGED dUCK... |
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10 Dec 03 - 11:34 AM (#1069434) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario I've always wanted to try cooking a Monopoly - but I hear they have a hard shell that is next to impossible to crack open so as to spread the meat around. And of course (according to the 'cookbook of mythological beasts' no one is really sure if they are fish.fowl or flesh, vegetable or mineral) It seems they just spring up overnight - and each one is unique. |
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10 Dec 03 - 12:00 PM (#1069468) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario your attention please! e-hem....is this thingON! Whoops! SORRY. |
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10 Dec 03 - 05:24 PM (#1069677) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Bee-dubya-ell Chowder....???? Hmmm.... Chowder....???? Hmmm.... Chowder....???? Oh!!!! Chowder!!!! The stuff that Nawth'ners make 'cause nobody ever taught 'em how to make gumbo!!!! (The severely outnumbered Southerners duck and run out the southern Tavern door, wondering just how far south they'll need to run to escape. I hear Key West is nice in the Winter. Wait a minute! Don't they make conch chowder in Key West?) |
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10 Dec 03 - 05:34 PM (#1069685) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Is this a Duck I see before me, it's beak towards my hand? Sod off, it's MY beer! LTS |
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10 Dec 03 - 09:58 PM (#1069871) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage You're awfully quiet over there, Moonglow. Those cats sure like you, and I think I see a duck snuggled in there. Have you been waiting here all year for everyone to come back? I found this as the very last plaintive little entry at last year's Mudcat Tavern. You look familiar. . .I've seen you somewhere before. . . it'll come back to me. . . |
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10 Dec 03 - 10:33 PM (#1069898) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario I *wondered who had cleaned the place up! the Hot Spiced Cider is ready - anyone ready for a mazer or two? Fresh pressed Baldwin Apple Cider, mulled with cinnamon sticks, cloves, ginger and just a hint of maple sugar... |
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10 Dec 03 - 10:44 PM (#1069907) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: artbrooks Dani? Did you get the fire going? I have marshmallows and some cheap chocolate...if somebody brought the Graham crackers we can make smores. Is the coffee ready yet? Jamaica Blue Mountain? That'll do...mix mine half and half with brandy, please...no, no, not the Martel VSOP-the good stuff! |
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10 Dec 03 - 10:48 PM (#1069912) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dani Yeah! Nice crackling fire. Sparks flying, and it's awfully warm. Pull up a chair. I've got some long sticks, and toasted marshmallows would be just right! Won't they cause a terrible hangover with whiskey, though? Where's Joe Offer? He's a good one for a campfire tune. Maybe Kendall will stop by and tell us a story! Dani |
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10 Dec 03 - 11:11 PM (#1069920) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,moonglow That's because I have been here all year- you'll notice the extra charges on Bert's Gold Card... notices the bare Christmas tree propped up against the wall in the corner and wonders why nobody has bothered to set it up yet... |
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10 Dec 03 - 11:30 PM (#1069934) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Amos It must have been Moooonglow! Way up in the bluuuuuuuuue....! It must have been Moonglow! That made the place look like new!! (Waltzes off stage right, acting silly). |
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11 Dec 03 - 12:02 AM (#1069954) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage You look sooooo familiar. . .Sage's stretch marks begin to ache Naw, couldn't be. |
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11 Dec 03 - 12:12 AM (#1069961) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: moonglow suddenly gets an idea begins fiddling with the straps of the harness, and fastens them around the trunk of the Christmas tree Remember the cathedral ceiling? Well, whoever cut this Christmas tree must have kept it in mind- it's a biiiiig one this year. begins pulling on straps of the trapeze harness, and the 20 foot silver fir begins to lift into the air... pushing the tree (along with several bystanding mudcatters) into the vicinity of the tree stand, lowers it down onto the base and leaves the harness on just to make sure it doesn't fall over |
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11 Dec 03 - 01:32 AM (#1069989) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MAG So you are up there on purpose, Moonglow? I thought it was an accident ... More of that cider, please; or I can help myself. Hmmm: needs more brandy ... Guess I'll wander outside and see if they want to hear the Legend of St. Christopher ... |
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11 Dec 03 - 07:38 AM (#1070143) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant What's happened to the morris men this year - and where are the sheep ? - all we've had so far is a visit from a very decrepit dead horse. There's no problem about the PEL - it covers just about everything including hrmm... animal husbandry. Oi - who gave the giant squid Kat's crutch - the rate that it's sucking down that Nissed Pewt FFL we'll be running out soon. |
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11 Dec 03 - 08:28 AM (#1070175) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario *pulls dusty box out from under the bar* I *think* this is the box of ornaments that arrived to late to fit on last years tree. *opens box* yup! Sure looks like it! *starts pulling out numberous objects - all with little hooks for suspending from the branches of the beautiful silver fir* Veg peelers, guitar picks, crocheted snowflakes, little christmas possums, more snowflakes... Who's gonna decorate the sucker? I've got to carve the wyvern. |
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11 Dec 03 - 08:58 AM (#1070191) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Must get some trousers, he thinks. Wearing just the boots and chaps allows for a backdraft (so to speak). Even trowsers. Or trews. Or breeches or breeks or even a pair of pants. Thinks I'll do that right after the next drink. "I'm in the mood for something potent. A double, please -- one glass of nitrobenzene and one of RFNA." |
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11 Dec 03 - 09:17 AM (#1070207) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST rapaire - with the boots and chaps - why not a pair of full hose/hosen? |
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11 Dec 03 - 11:27 AM (#1070300) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Christ that squid must have hollow tentacles. Thank god it's not drinking the Jockstrap's "Old Santa's Bollocks" - oh no it's changed barrels and that beer won the Greenpeace award for renewable energy sources development (Spaw only managed to come second). I wonder what happens when something that size has flatulence. Help - I think we're going to find out. Good lord I've never seen so many bubbles in a jacuzzi and the water's now over everyone's head - why aren't they floating ? Oh I remember that thread about methane sinking ships . . . . . |
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11 Dec 03 - 11:34 AM (#1070305) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Because, Guest, when you're wearing angora chaps, thigh-high trooper boots, a decent hat and carrying a rapier you don't want to wear anything outrageous and undignified, that's why. Still, trousers would be handy in the cold.... |
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11 Dec 03 - 11:50 AM (#1070315) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: artbrooks Rapaire! In the interests of common decency, at least put on a pair of shorts...I'd suggest the ones with the smiley faces or the ones with the big red hearts. The ladies will thank you-after all, spasms of uncontrollable laughter interferes with serious drinking. |
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11 Dec 03 - 03:41 PM (#1070462) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Ohmygosh! I thought Rapaire was wearing saggy wrinked skin-tone longjohns under those chaps. In Mudcat Tavern there is no dress code (I make this assumption because there isn't a "No Shirt No Shoes No Service" sign), but if anyone gives you flak for your appearance, Rap, it would be best to turn the other cheek. And for heaven's sake don't back into the christmas tree--it isn't a silver fir, it's a Sitka spruce! |
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11 Dec 03 - 04:19 PM (#1070482) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Back out to the truck he goes, shamed and reviled and mocked and scorned, the desire of the women and the envy of the men. He sighs, and removes what passes for his clothing. No room for individuality any more, he thinks, and it took balls to wear angora chaps too. He slides into his longjohns, the black silk ones that cling to every one of his well toned muscles like a second skin. Then the jeans, old and comfortable from those years in the saddle and the familiar old cotton flannel shirt. A pair of Tony Lama boots, well worn bison hide that fits butter-soft to the contours of his feet. Black leather belt and black leather vest, a black Resistol with a go-to-hell crease and a rattlesnake hatband. He slides out of the truck, reaches behind the seat, and pulls out his brace of faux-ivory handled pistols in their hand-tooled belt and holsters. He buckles on the gunbelt, checks each shootin' iron. Fully loaded, and two extra tanks of water behind each holster. Pulls down on his hatbrim, adjusts his mirrored aviator glasses, and saunters back into the Tavern. |
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11 Dec 03 - 04:29 PM (#1070491) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,water pistol pete Hah! lookit the sissy-boy with his fancy schmancy pistols. *reaches behind bar - pulls out a superior-soaker 9200 - fully loaded with seperate tanks of Glenlivet, Ameretto and Baileys.* Reach for the sky - sissyboy! |
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11 Dec 03 - 04:43 PM (#1070503) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Surprise! The pistols are fully functional Colt .45 Single Action Army. The tanks of water are for drinking in the high desert country. Drop the Supersoaker -- or better yet, let's you and me and a bunch of other folks get likkered up. (The Colts have trigger locks on them and the cylinders are empty; he wouldn't want anyone hurt. The loaded shootin' irons are still in the truck, along with the ironin' board.) |
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11 Dec 03 - 05:30 PM (#1070528) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Could someone get this Christmas tree out from under my skirt please? I dunno, just because I wear a dress once a year, doesn't give you the right to go shoving prickly things up it..... Show me where that squid has gone with the beer - I survived a whole day at work after 6&1/2 weeks off - I DESERVE something better than a tree up the ass. LTS |
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11 Dec 03 - 05:42 PM (#1070534) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Aren't you the Christmas Angel On Top Of The Tree? |
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11 Dec 03 - 06:25 PM (#1070553) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: artbrooks Angel? Liz? |
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11 Dec 03 - 06:28 PM (#1070555) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Catherine Jayne When you find the beer nicking squid fill my tankard up please!!! It must be your lucky night Liz......things been shoved up your skirt!! I survived christmas shopping on Oxford Street tonight......lets party!!!! |
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11 Dec 03 - 07:31 PM (#1070589) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Amos Here, Lis, sweetie, let me help you down -- here, I'll get those bristles outta there for ya!! A |
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11 Dec 03 - 08:01 PM (#1070602) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: My guru always said Crash, tinkle, thud.... glass balls drop merrily from the rafters having been batted around by a playful stray Tabby... Watch out below! Meeooowww... How on earth do they expect me to decorate this tree up here? Got tinsel in me claws now.... Ooops, sorry CatPHiddle, just missed, phew! Hope the Baileys pistol gets aimed up here, I'm gasping for a bevvie.... Lovely lap, by the way, Moonglow, very restful (sigh) |
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12 Dec 03 - 12:54 AM (#1070754) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Wow! Who's that behind those Foster Grants? I'll recant my identification of the christmas tree. It IS a silver fir, but I wanted to scare Rapaire into getting dressed. I see Moonglow up there with her nose in the tree branches, bruising needles and inhaling the fragrance. She looks like a cat on catnip. Plop! a glass ornament shatters on the floor. I think the cat is trying to get your attention, Liz! No, wait, the cat just nailed the tentacle that was undulating your way from the hot tub. Something tells me that we need to suggest that it's calamari time if that mollusk doesn't decide to shuffle off (especially since by the state of the bubbles in the hot tub, I think this character could blow any time now!) |
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12 Dec 03 - 05:33 AM (#1070839) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck He's been hogging the hot tub for too long anyway. It's about time he got out and made room for some of the new arrivals. Mmario - give him a crate of lemons, and he can start squeezing them for the punch. He should be able to do about 20 at a time with those tentacles. Just don't make the mistake of giving him an orange peeler, I remember the mess he made of the thanksgiving turkey when he got drunk and mistook it for Catspaw... And whilst he's doing that, can someone find his spare tentacles a dustpan and brush to clean up those baubles before Liz spikes herself on those as well - whoops - too late. Never mind Squeakie, I'm sure a pint of Delerium Tremens and a soak in the tub will put you right! See, there's room for about ten extras now the cephalopod has moved over to the kitchen door seat. Just a technical question - if what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander - do you need to put in extra onions? Quack! |
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12 Dec 03 - 11:08 AM (#1070934) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario no extra onions - but maybe a bit more sage to cover up the...never mind...While the Squid is at it; here - put the star on the TOp of the tree -(it's probably the only entity in the room that can reach the top of the tree while uhmmm "standing"?? on the floor!) |
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12 Dec 03 - 12:24 PM (#1070991) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck I always come to Mudcat for Sage Advice... I'll get my coat, then... |
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12 Dec 03 - 02:01 PM (#1071052) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Gareth And far away, over the snow, a male voice choir start on the "Welli Boot Song" Yes the Aberflyhalf RFC Drinking Team is en route. All nearby sheep begin to run - the more depraved towards the harmonic voices. Gareth |
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12 Dec 03 - 02:25 PM (#1071059) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Amos Gareth thereby establishing his repute beyond question as a Welsh rare bit, although no-one will say by what... :>) A |
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12 Dec 03 - 04:11 PM (#1071129) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST, Yer Frined the Jant Skwid Hi thot Id tak a minute to wish everywon the best of the seasin and to tel you that I shur du like the jparty an bein in the hut tub iis the best of alll kaws of bein abjle to feel up all the legs and bods. Gotago hart to type wiht ten arms let me know what i cann do to help out but not to mkae calymary haha |
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12 Dec 03 - 04:12 PM (#1071130) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,freds Excuse me, but did you know that there is a giant squid in your hot tub? |
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12 Dec 03 - 04:46 PM (#1071165) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Not only that, a Giant Squid from Hu9ll!! At least it's in the tub and not up my.... hang on.... IT IS!!! Watch it, Cephy.... I know where I can get a 15 1/2 stone budgie who's just dying to chomp on a cuttlefish.... LTS |
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12 Dec 03 - 05:20 PM (#1071186) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage That's one hefty budgie, Liz! I hope it doesn't sit on your shoulder too often! Thanks for moving the squid. But how much lemon juice did you need, MMario? He's fast--it looks like he's up to a gallon already. Do you think he could do the same thing for apples, crush them and make cider? I have a couple of cases of apples in the back of the pickup (don't say anything to him, but this is squid busy work to keep him out of the tub). |
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12 Dec 03 - 08:52 PM (#1071311) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Stily - How did you spell "sit on your shoulder"??? *********** Oh thank goodness for that. GtD. |
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13 Dec 03 - 12:03 AM (#1071380) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Yer frined hte jint sqid i'v sqkaweezd all the limons an the grapfrut and hte lyms and bried an evn sharmin haha so now all thetsz left ta scweaz is ladys haha but i'l be karfull notto sacqees them too hart but jis rigt thell be sinning putcher arms areaound me skwiddie hol me tit |
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13 Dec 03 - 08:32 AM (#1071469) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario migod! Nobody ever told us the Squid could harmonize! lookit him/her/it (?) over there, an arm each around a neat dozen ladies - and singing chorus with each of them! How does he DO that? (get the ladies - I know how to sing!) |
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13 Dec 03 - 11:35 AM (#1071544) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage That sure beats rubbing your stomach and patting the top of your head at the same time! |
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13 Dec 03 - 11:57 AM (#1071554) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River There's a, like, knock at the door eh? It's Shane from Blind River. He is casually cool and handsome in his Export cap and lumberjacket. He sawnters into the room, givin' all the ladies the eye and feelin' real sorry for the men. "So, like, what's happenin' eh? Who's got smokes? What the FLIP is that FLIPPIN' music you got on? Soudns like the dyin' sounds of a libberian virgin on a cold Sunday... Man, I can still taste last nights' beer and pizza...but I am primed and ready for action! Let's put on some Ozzie and GET ROCKIN!!!" - BDiBR |
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13 Dec 03 - 02:42 PM (#1071646) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Squid - you never told us you were from 'Ull. Have you been down the Minerva? |
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13 Dec 03 - 09:30 PM (#1071806) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Moonglow, getting a bit leery of such a LARGE squid oggling the ladies slips behind the bar, out of the reach of tentacles. Leaning over to take a look at the suction cup prints on the floor in front of the bar, she mistakenly leans on the red button for the harness that she used to lift and stablize the christmas tree. After cleaning up from the snowbank and getting some fortification from the barkeep, Sage is just climbing back into the hot tub when the creaking sound of leather and wood catches her attention. Looking across the room she sees the tree slowly lift off of the floor. The tree's weight is enough to keep it from catapulting from the room and through the roof like an Apollo rocket, but it has taken on the unusual feature of dangling from the rafters like a huge ornament itself. As the room full of people watch in amazement, a very large cat on a rafter steps gingerly onto one of the advancing branches. It's weight is enough to slowly tip the tree over and around until it is hanging completely upside down, all of it's ornaments still attached but now in an apparent upside down position. The cat leaps off as the branch nears the floor, and the tree does a graceful but somewhat speedier reversal, in what appears to be a silver fir karate chop as the base moves back to the floor. The swing of the tree butt, like that of a good golf club, catches the squid in what one might (if one has a good imagination) call it's "shoulder," and lobs it out of the Oz door. As the fourth casualty to go flying out a Mudcat Tavern door, Jint Sqid is greatful to have not landed on the snowy side of the building. He reaches three tentacles around his head to feel the sore spot, and they get stuck to his shoulder. A squishy flounce is heard, then a gelatinous small splash, as the creature moves into the ocean to wash off the tree pitch. "Wi9l bee back latr" he gurgles. Moonglow takes her elbow off of the button and ducks down behind the bar, where she can quietly move past the bartender and out the other side of the bar, reappearing at the other end of the room as if nothing unusual had just happened. The tree once again sinks down to the floor of the tavern. |
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13 Dec 03 - 10:50 PM (#1071841) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Moloch I, Moloch, send to you poor mortals greetings. I shan’t join in your poor attempts at |
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14 Dec 03 - 01:20 AM (#1071887) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage That one kind of trips up the pace in here. Get yourself a drink Moloch, and chill out. |
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14 Dec 03 - 01:21 AM (#1071888) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage (Or we can have Moonglow do to you what she did to the squid!) |
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14 Dec 03 - 11:43 AM (#1072040) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Here come some more swans. And a sperm whale. Guess it's just as well the squid left already. This isn't a case like when the Swedish Chef invited a turkey to the Muppet Family Christmas, is it? MMario, you didn't REALLY invited that whale, with plans to server muktuk, did you? Tell me it isn't so! (I'm not sure where the swans fit in, but here they are, out in the back with the other guy.) |
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14 Dec 03 - 12:42 PM (#1072100) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Matt_R The door opens with an icy winter's blast and in stumbles the now 25-year-old Maithu Ruadh with a guitar on his back and a handful of White Stripes and Steve Goodman tabs. |
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14 Dec 03 - 04:38 PM (#1072265) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak I think those swans are here with that guy in the yard - the one with the geese, the calling birds, a lot of be-wigged gentlemen and some ladies doing the Gay Gordons, some buxom wenches going on about how to milk a squid (giant or otherwise), a stunned looking partridge, some bastards playing bagpipes and a very large cleaning bill. His girlfriend doesn't look any too pleased and neither do those drummers. Oh, and some guy called MacDuff wants to know where he can park his trees for the night. Personally I think he's in the wrong thread. LTS |
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14 Dec 03 - 06:20 PM (#1072346) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario MAITHU! Come in and be welcome man! Stilly - I have NO idea where the swans OR the whale came from. Swans are pretty to look at - and I hear that on Christmas Eve they sing as beautifuly as - well- a Swan song...; but they are to all accounts tough and stringy to eat. And whale makes GOOSE look like a low - fat food! It can't be healthy for him in that hot tub, can it? |
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15 Dec 03 - 12:53 AM (#1072574) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage I think he stayed out in the salt water, just got close to the pier. Out that Southern Hemisphere door, mind you. The one that that occasionally swings past Kaikura. |
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15 Dec 03 - 09:11 AM (#1072828) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Still MMario, out amongst the managerie in the yard, unmentioned by Liz seem to be three French Hens. They obviously got here in spite of the Calais blockade. Are they worth cooking - even for some broth ? There also seems to be a pear tree in fruit - have we got some brandy ? |
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15 Dec 03 - 09:25 AM (#1072838) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: artbrooks We could sell the five gold rings and buy some good brandy. I mean, once you cook up the hens and the maids have gone off to swim with the squid, the act's busted up anyway, isn't it? |
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15 Dec 03 - 09:35 AM (#1072846) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario I wouldn't look to0 closely at those "French" hens if I were you - they seem to be clucking in distinctly Devonshire accents. However - I was thinking of 'poulet et poires en calvados'. |
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15 Dec 03 - 09:35 AM (#1072847) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST "Will you not allow that I have as much of the spirit of prophecy in me as the swans? For they, when they perceive that they must die, having sung all their life long, do then sing more than ever... But men ... slanderously affirm of the swans that they sing a lament at the last, not considering that no bird sings when cold, or hungry, or in pain..." -- Plato, "Phaedo" |
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15 Dec 03 - 10:31 AM (#1072905) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage As the group near the bar stand pondering the fowl in the yard, holiday music and laughter burst from the office, where Joe Offer has been hiding out watching animated greeting cards. MMario and the others peer through the doorway, share a laugh, then shrug off the idea of eating the visiting critters. "It'd be like trying to cook and eat Big Bird," he's heard to mutter, wiping a tear from his cheek. "We'll stick with what we have, auroch, wyvern, salmon, pickled herring and a lot of baked goods that seem to have piled up over on the sideboard over there. Tons of drunken fruitcake seems to have crept in from another thread." I hope you don't mind my putting words in your mouth, Leo! |
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15 Dec 03 - 10:54 AM (#1072925) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario I'm an actor (sorta) I'm used to having other people's words in my mouth. Better tasting then my foot! (which is also frequently in my mouth) but those hens are toast! (actually I'm thinking of serving them on toast. enriching the Calvados sauce with some cream, yum,yum!) |
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15 Dec 03 - 01:47 PM (#1073047) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MAG Harmony singing over here in this large nook ... |
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15 Dec 03 - 04:07 PM (#1073156) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: My guru always said Stepping gracefully from the tree prior to the 'slingshot effect', the |
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15 Dec 03 - 04:11 PM (#1073162) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST Thanks for reminding me! *dons kevlar chainmail glove and passes a slice of wyvern under the table* In this place I don't trust the cats to be alone under there!!!! FOOD IS READY! |
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15 Dec 03 - 11:16 PM (#1073218) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: moonglow *crawls under table to keep cats company* |
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15 Dec 03 - 11:57 PM (#1073243) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage !"Towels? I thought YOU brought the towels!" grumbles someone in a big hat near the far side of the tub. Starving people look longingly at the food being set out on the sideboard and the covered pool table, wondering if they'll freeze in their tracks before they make it over to grab some food and head back to the hot water. |
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16 Dec 03 - 09:24 AM (#1073511) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee The finely dressed cowboy-style fella thinks briefly and in a flash of brilliance finds the problem is solved. Quicker than his draw of his faux-ivory handled Colts he whips out a 14-inch crescent wrench and reconnects the sprinkler system heads between the hot tub and the table to the hot water lines! A nice hot shower will drench the tubbers, their food can be taken away under cover (their drinks as well) as they tread the path between. With carefully aimed rocks, he breaks the sprinkler heads and the curtain of water descends. Ah-HAH!, he thinks, good thing the floor drains are working, I forgot that the water has to go somewhere and opening the doors would be drafty. When the tubbers see what he's done loud cheers arise. Food and drink, two of the necessities (but not necessarily in that order), are warmly available, towels of none. |
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16 Dec 03 - 09:29 AM (#1073518) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST glub. glub. glub. |
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16 Dec 03 - 11:14 AM (#1073733) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Oooh - none of them are wearing costumes - quick turn off the sprinklers - I want to get some piccies. |
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16 Dec 03 - 11:39 AM (#1073754) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Catherine Jayne Dave....are these piccies going to be for your own personal use of for blackmail material??...!!!!!! Someone better change the barrel....seems that we have drained it dry...must be a good party!!! QUICK! Someone grab the cat shes swinging from the top of the tree and the poor duck she has in her jaws is looking a wee bit scared....pour the duck a whiskey for the shock. |
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16 Dec 03 - 12:40 PM (#1073794) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Gareth The Western door swings open, a full (36 imp gallon) barrel of Brains SA rolls in, followed by another. A distinclty Kairdiff accent tells the bartender to put them on stillage and spile them. Shades of St Mary St, the Aberflyhalf RFC Choir and Drinking team draws near. Across the frozen wastes the song changes to the infinite chant of "Lloyd George knew my father, Father knwew Lloyd George ..." Yup sez the Kairdiff voice, "Let that little lot settle for 12 hours and the serious drinking will start." A heard of frightened sheep runs in, collectivly blink, hear a Welsh accent, and charge out the Southern door, they feel safer in Oz land. The sheep next to the crib in the nativity scene follow them, they two recognise the song..... Gareth |
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16 Dec 03 - 07:01 PM (#1074078) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak It's flock of sheep, and they shouldn't feel safer in Oz, they just have farther to run before the dingoes get them. I'm not quite finished with this barrel thank you very much.... let me just get my tongue round the last drips..... Ah - I knew all those years practising by getting the cream out of a walnut whip weren't going to be wasted! LTS |
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16 Dec 03 - 07:25 PM (#1074092) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Gareth At this time of Night Liz would you trust me to type "Flock" correctly. Anyway if it the choice between a Dingo and .... Well what would you choose ? _---------------- An intrelude. _----------------- Seeing the sheep run pass, the nude and former occupants of the Hot tub seize a sheep a peice to dry of thier bodies and hide thier, ahem, dangly bits. There is a "Flash" Yup it a certain Sarf Lundoner taking photos for "blackmail purposes." The moggies breath a sigh of relief, they will not be used as fig leaves. There is no need to dig thier claws into soft and sensative flesh. From beyond the Western door the harmonious voices get closer, having sung all 400 verses of "Lloyd George knew My Father" the song halts. There is a debate, a long debate, on what to sing next. Yes You Too ! Can join in this debate. What will the Aberflyhalf RFC Choir and Drinking team sing next ?? Post your votes, or Pm oR E-Mail Me at gcw72@hotmail.com Gareth |
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16 Dec 03 - 10:45 PM (#1074234) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario The 353 days after Christmas |
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17 Dec 03 - 06:21 AM (#1074366) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Khat - mainly for my own personal use, although I will probably offer to share them with Micca - and perhaps post a few via Pene - and perhaps sell a few on Ebay. Let's just download them and have a look . . . . . oooh Khat, your really do depilate everywhere , don't you. Good Lord - I never saw Linda in that tub - I hope that vibrator's the waterproof one. All the fellows seem to be hiding their naughty bits - in the hindquarters of the sheep. |
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17 Dec 03 - 07:13 AM (#1074391) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Catherine Jayne Dave...did you not believe me???!!!!!! Sorry about trying to change the barrel before you had finished Liz....have you got your tongue round the barrel oraphis and licked it dry yet???....I think I am going to have to do somemore walnut whip practice!!! |
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17 Dec 03 - 07:17 AM (#1074396) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: The Fooles Troupe ... a sneaky little guy with a false beard, dark glasses, a hat pulled down over his eyes, and a camera lurks near the hot tub, taking pictures intended to turn up unexpectedly on the Mudcat Profiles.... unless it turns out to his financial benefit.... [:-E> |
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17 Dec 03 - 07:19 AM (#1074399) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Liz, behave yourself - licking an oraphis in public, disgusting - come into this cupboard with me and we can be a bit more discreet. |
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17 Dec 03 - 07:53 AM (#1074417) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant I have a real beard, I hate dark glasses, and I'm in a cupboard enjoying an oriphis-licking session with Liz - so it can't be me. |
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17 Dec 03 - 02:41 PM (#1074697) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Meanwhile, back at the bar, Mmario is slicing heavenly smoked meats and serving them with flair as each Mudcatter comes by with a plate. Sage ran out to the back of her truck and got the folded clean towels out of her laundry basket, and on her way back in, someone's Australian shepherd, waiting patiently on the stoop, dashed in, barked and nudged and circled the room and a moment later all of the sheep charged out of the door with the dog in swift pursuit. It's cold enough outside, and all of these trips in and out had my hands feeling pretty chapped. Good thing I got a nice dose of lanolin by scratching the neck on one of the ewes. That reminds of me of a song my Dad used to sing (since there doesn't seem to be much holiday music happening so far, I'll contribute something seasonal instead). WINTER IS ICUMMEN IN (Ezra Pound) Winter is icummen in, Lhude sing Goddamm, Raineth drop and staineth slop And how the wind doth ramm! Sing: Goddamm. Skiddeth bus and sloppeth us, An ague hath my ham. Freezeth river, turneth liver Damn you, sing: Goddamm. Goddamm, Goddamm, tis why I am, Goddamm. So 'gainst the winter's balm Sing Goddamm, damm, sing Goddamm Sing Goddamm, sing Goddamm, DAMM. |
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17 Dec 03 - 02:48 PM (#1074702) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario dang! EVERYONE is taking a serving of flair. I should have made more... |
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17 Dec 03 - 03:03 PM (#1074713) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Hey MMario - this Auroch is excellent. Oh - and the sauce for the gander is just out of this world.... at least that's what the little green man with bug-eyes, sat on the bar stool next to me reckons! Mind you, after a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster I would probably look green with bug-eyes... |
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17 Dec 03 - 05:52 PM (#1074825) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Iy've hadd an Ban Gelastic Pargle Blisterd adn you AARRRRRrrr a buggggggggggger with grrrean eyses. Givush a kish - that Bryan Davits beerd dunt tickel halff enuffff burp. LTSSSSSSSSs |
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17 Dec 03 - 06:49 PM (#1074879) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Gareth My God Liz - and you wunder why I don't type "Flock". Back to the main story - The Brains SA settles well, the barrels are tapped, the Bitter Ale draws bright and clear. "Careful Lad's, we have only 576 pints of this !" Glasses are passed, and passed again, parched throats are soothed, some of the less practiced big lads are looking for the little boys room. No problem, an empty Budwieser Bottle is passed in thier direction. The twisted legs unfold to a big sigh of Ahhhhhh! The South door opens, a gentleman with Corks on his 'at strids in. "Gee Sheila!",he shouts to the nearest Mudfemale, "I am parched rounding up them sheep." The mudfemale ignores him. The Aberflyhalf RFC Drinking team exchange glances, brimming Budweiser bottles are passed to him. "'Er you is Butty, try this Lager" The antipodean swallows three bottles fast - Then he starts singing "'Hymns and Aria's', 'Land of My Fathers', and 'Arry's got an 'Orse' " (Copyright M Boyce) His heeler gives a worried, doggy, look. And mentaly revues the consequences to the Canine species in a "Pub with no beer". Doggy Discretion serves, and the dog disapears to the veranda outside the Southern Door. No even the smell of MMarios cooking can detain it. Sides which there are two many Moggies present. Gareth |
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17 Dec 03 - 07:14 PM (#1074907) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Aw, Gareth, I bet you made that up. This group is sophisticated enough to know to go outside and make yellow snow. I bet that guy from Oz didn't have a heeler at all. . . |
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17 Dec 03 - 08:06 PM (#1074934) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Oh Squeakie - you smooth talking bust herd... Duck gives blethered Squeak a hug for dramatic license, then returns her to her place of honour beneath the tap of the barrel... Honour satisfied, Duck returns to his plate of extict and mythical rissoles and tries to construct a Mastadonner Kebab from the remains of the salad. Tonight he is attired in a particularly natty ensemble consisting of slime green shirt with red stitching, cerise wide legged trousers, a waistcoat shading from sunset yellow to midnight blue, taking in several assorted "E numbers" en route. His tie is a shade of pink which is not quite violent, but looks as if it could still do you a nasty injury if you met it in a dark alley. The whole it capped by a deep purple fedora with an orange band fletched with a single white martlet tail feather. Following a leisurely repast, The Duck saunters across the room towards the hot tub. As he aproaches the gothic fountain near the shallow end, he notices a small red button almost completely hidden beneath a gargoyle. Being of an inquisitive nature, he bends close and reads a finely tooled inscription. The text is difficult to decipher because it appears to be in a mirror image and is gold against a mottled marble background. Finally the penny drops, and the Duck understands what he is reading... . Being one to resist everything except temptation, the Duck reaches a digit forwards..... |
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17 Dec 03 - 08:10 PM (#1074936) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck WHOOPS... In Case of Idle Curiousity, Depress this Button. Being one to resist everything except temptation, the Duck reaches a digit forwards..... |
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18 Dec 03 - 05:08 AM (#1075178) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck As he touches the small red button, words appear in very faint illuminated script... you didn't really mean to press this button, did you??? |
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18 Dec 03 - 06:16 AM (#1075215) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant That's a nice drop of Brains, but Gareth you're piss-poor at recognising barrel sizes - that's not a puncheon - it's a Tun ! Which means that we've got (or at least started with) 1,728 pints - we'd better get some serious drinking under way - there's even enough for that giant squid to have the odd few gallons. The antipodean's seem to have nearly finished the "tubes" of lager that they brought with them - so perhaps we can educate them in real ale drinking. Oi - Liz has just about passed out, so save me one of those sheep. I'll give you a drinking song - even if I do bugger it up - with all this beer around, I won't have to buy anyone a pint. Here's good luck to the pint pot, good luck to the Barley Mow . . . . . |
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18 Dec 03 - 07:09 AM (#1075241) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Gareth Gareth searches in his anorak, finds his correct glasses. !Mmmm ! 1728 pints, this could be a good evening! Gareth |
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18 Dec 03 - 08:43 AM (#1075310) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST jolly good luck to the pint pot! Good Luck to the barley mow! |
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18 Dec 03 - 08:59 AM (#1075323) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario Oh the pint pot, half-a-pint, gill pot, half-a-gill, quarter gill, nipperkin and a brown bowl. good luck good luck, good luck to the barlew mow! |
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18 Dec 03 - 09:38 AM (#1075355) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee He takes one last drag off his cigarette and throws it into the snowbank. Enough of this crap, he thinks, what am I doing? I haven't smoked since 1985. And where did I get that one? Oh, yeah, it's a macho, Bogart-like thing. He hitches up his gunbelt, picks up the revolvers which fell into the snow when he hitched up his gunbelt, makes sure the triggerlocks are in place (don't want nobody to git hurt now), pulls his hat down over his eyes, pushes his hat up so he can see, and with spurs jingle-jangling slams open the swinging doors. He picks himself back up and gently opens the spring-loaded swinging door and carefully sidles into the room, gently closing the swinging doors after him. "Lissen up, all you mangy, flea-bitten, yeller dogs!" he whispers. "I'm here myself now! You used to know me by my handle, used to call me 'Rapaire' (pronounced "Raparree"). But I by God ain't gonna let Giok (now John McKenzie) or any other skirt-wearin'...." Buried under and pummeled by a sudden pile of angered Scotsmen, Scotswomen, women, Greek soldiers, toga wearers, transvestites, and those simply interested in general mayhem, he finally crawls out from under the scuffle (which has now turned into an orgy) and staggers to the bar. "Anything. Anything at all that's single malt, at least 15 years old, alcoholic, and distilled in Scotland or Ireland," he manages to gasp out. "Something for my baptismal day, so to speak." |
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18 Dec 03 - 09:51 AM (#1075371) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Barman Will that be a barrel or a tun, sir? Or shall I just hook up the hose to the tanker truck? |
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18 Dec 03 - 10:29 AM (#1075409) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Hmmmm, Sage thinks to herself, my handle pays homage to my roots and my family, so I'm sticking with the moniker. Sounds too much like Ashcroft is having an influence over here at the 'Cat if everyone starts using their REAL names! Helping Liz up off of the floor, where she really hasn't passed out, she just dozed off, they move down the hall past the office. Liz finds an overstuffed lounger in the back room and pulls a comforter over the top for a little nap until the evening really gets started. One of the cats and two ducks quietly enter the room and perch protectively around their sleeping friend. Sage wonders if there is enough room for dancing as she walks back into the front room. Maybe over in that space near the front door? We'd just have to watch out for the Trebuchet Tree. Now here's jolly good luck to the gill pot Good luck to the Barley Mow Jolly good luck to the gill pot Good luck to the Barley Mow Oh, the gill pot, half gill, quarter gill Fetch in a little drop more Here's good luck, good luck, good luck to the barley mow |
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18 Dec 03 - 10:29 AM (#1075410) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee A ton of empty tuns, but that ton of tuns should find the tuns full, if you please. |
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18 Dec 03 - 10:49 AM (#1075428) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Barman Follow me please sir through this door Did you bring a tap? |
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18 Dec 03 - 11:03 AM (#1075439) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Ohhhhh! And it smells so good in there, all of those barrels and brews. Has this always been here? A great Mudcat secret revealed! |
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18 Dec 03 - 11:07 AM (#1075441) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario Stilly - the Tavern has a long history of surprises behind doors - why at one time there wasn't even a door to the southern hemisphere or out to the barbecue pit in Montana (or is it Wyoming?) But whenever a new door appears you never know where it might lead - especially the one over there marked "No possums allowed" |
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18 Dec 03 - 11:40 AM (#1075469) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee A tap? Why? Is there a phone back there? Or do you mean like a tap-and-die? Or the dance...I'll bet you meant the dance. No, I never learned. |
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18 Dec 03 - 05:01 PM (#1075657) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Did some one say a ton of nuns? And will someone tell the duck if he must put his bill there, to stop blowing please. LTS |
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19 Dec 03 - 06:11 AM (#1076002) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Geoff the Duck glances across the room wondering what all the commotion might be. He sees Liz the Squeak being mobbed by a flock of waterfowl including mallards, canada geese, a passing migrant swan and a bombay duck, which has forgotten that it is a fish... His attention wanders back to the enigmatic message floating in the ether above the small red button. Did I REALLY mean to press the button??? Was it just Idle Curiousity?? I wonder what it will do next time it is pressed? He scratches his head slowly (those splinters were a sod to remove last time), then returns to the bar to consider... After a bottle of Riggwelter, which he decides not to share with Gareth - the drawing of a sheep which has rolled over onto it's back and is unable to right itself , might be too inflammatory - THe Duck returns to the gargoyle... "Well" he says out loud. "Curiousity might have killed the cat, but us Ducks are made of stronger stuff..." Thrusting his extended digit forward, he makes contact, for the third time, with the red button. Nothing happens. A disappointed duck turns one again towards the bar. He doesn't see the orange glow forming at the centre of the empty hot tub. He climbs onto a vacant bar stool as the orange glow phases through dayglow green and pink, starts pulsating with blue and gold and suddenly goes opaque black. He is attempting to attract the attention of the barkeep, to order a pint of Old Peculier. The barkeep seems to be taking no notice of his customers, but is staring out into the room in the direction that The Duck has just come from. The barkeep's eyes suddenly open wide, and his jaw drops. Duck turns just in time to see the barrel emerging from the black mist. It rises into the air and balances there on a stalk, like a giant Party-Pooper. There is a deep rumbling noise, which builds in volume to a final creschendo, as the barrel lid flies off. There is not so much a bang, rather a WHOOMPH noise, as the lid disappears and the contents fly into the heady atmosphere of the Tavern. The customers see a cloud of green dust, shimmering in the candle glow from the kamikazi kristmas tree, then they are hit by a wave of intense dryness, which spreads through the bar like a shock wave. The cloud seems to be sucking every particle of water vapour from the air, leaving the drinkers throats dry, but too shocked to quench their now raging thirsts. As the water vapor meets the shimmering cloud of green dust, there is a fizzing noise, and the transformation begins. It starts to swirl, ever faster, and as the vortex forms something begins to drip from the bottom of the emerald cone. Green gloopy globules splash on the base of the hot tub and the light of realisation begins to dawn on the assembled throng. The famous jello pit is coalescing in the half light, and taking its place in the hot tub, a tribute to the power of Idle Curiousity. |
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19 Dec 03 - 08:59 AM (#1076131) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Nigel West, Captain, HM Coldstream Guards, D Barman, some brandy, if you please. And why is that thing dripping snot-green slime onto those poor people? |
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19 Dec 03 - 11:24 AM (#1076207) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Cluin And now, a musical interlude... |
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19 Dec 03 - 04:29 PM (#1076402) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee The next thread down at the moment says it's for "Wedgies and Vegans ONLY." I don't need a Vegan Wedgie, so I didn't investigate. |
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19 Dec 03 - 07:04 PM (#1076496) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Off in the distance, the thunder of thousands of horses' hooves.... |
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19 Dec 03 - 07:10 PM (#1076499) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Bee-dubya-ell Even further off in the distance.... the sound of 200 fully tricked-out four-wheel-drive pickup trucks, each of which requires the use of a step-ladder to reach the driver's seat.... |
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19 Dec 03 - 07:33 PM (#1076516) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Bee-dubya-ell The sound of the 200 4WD pickups fades away into the distance as BWL has severe second thoughts about inflicting the SWAT Team (that's Simple-minded White Alabama Trailer-trash) on the Mudcat Tavern crowd. Those boys have some pretty simple tastes, but they like to experience them in large measure. It just looked like there'd be too many chances for misunderstandings that could possibly lead to some major human and property damage. They'll probably be having a party of their own as soon as CarolC and the rest of her spies in the Waffle Houses find out where the real King khandu is stashed and they get sent in to affect the daring rescue. If some of you folks would like to come to their party I'm sure you'd be welcome, but don't bring any of those fancy microbrews or expensive wine and don't complain about the nitrites in the hot-dogs! |
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19 Dec 03 - 07:34 PM (#1076517) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee And the sound of the horses follows the sounds of the trucks.... |
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19 Dec 03 - 07:35 PM (#1076519) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Geez, it's like a bad penny, thinks Sage. There's just no way to completely remove that damned jello pit. Leaning over the bar, Sage reaches out and pushes the other red button, the one that controls the operation of the harness (remember that?) that Moonglow attached to the very large christmas tree when she set it up. The tree begins to rise once again. In the strange mathematical world of levers, pulleys, counterweights and reverse-trebuchets, the tree levitates, is momentarily horizontal, then the butt of the tree moves up into the dark upper regions of the tavern, the tip is down, and the ornaments ring out at the motion. Cats can be seen moving along the beams, and stepping onto the slowly moving tree. Three very large swans, now barely discernable in the intersection of two beams, move themselves over and flutter (only as very large swans can), with a backdraft that moves all of the paper napkins below into a faux-dust-devil of sorts. Ratchetted into place, the balance is perfect, and at that moment a pale yellow butterfly drifts in from the Oz door and alights on the uppermost branch. Less than a gram, this is enough to set the tree creaking into motion, and with a sudden SPLAT!! the tree smacks the jello pit pod plumb into the porch yard under a galvenized lean-to where it lodges bottom side down and continues to expand and take shape. Within moments, as when one successfully lobs a live grenade out of the building into which it was thrown, the assembled crowd (and ESPECIALLY those in the hot tub) breathe a collective sigh of relief as they watch the adored/maligned pit plant itself. One of the swans sets up an agitated scolding and hissing and settles on the edge of the newly-formed jello ammenity, and the Mudcat group is heard to say (altogether now) "ah, now it has a pit to hiss in!" |
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19 Dec 03 - 08:27 PM (#1076547) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Cluin Hey, Mmario, turn on the TV! The Quiet Man is on. I know it'll probably offend the shite outta all the Irish people in here, but it's time for a good ol' drinking game. Look, we're just in time! Everybody grab your drink! John Wayne's poking another butt in his mouth and lighting it.... Atta boy, Duke. Take a big drag. Just the one.... Glare! glare some more... Now blow it out... that's right, wait for it..... And he throws it away, pissed off. YES!Everybody drink! Chug! Chug! Chug!Get a refill, folks. Another cigarette scene coming up in a minute.... "Oh, the humour is on me now, boys, The humour is on me now I will and I must get married, For the humour is on me now..." |
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19 Dec 03 - 08:43 PM (#1076556) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: The Fooles Troupe ... meanwhile, in the corner, a furtive drinker is furiously playing the one-arm bandit. It is a new machine, organised by That Fiendish Technical Wizard Jeff - called "The Vatican Jackpot" - to win get Three Bishops in A Row. Three Nuns gets you none. And the Wildcard is Satan... |
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19 Dec 03 - 08:51 PM (#1076561) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST, Harumph, Huzza and Ahem, Attorneys at Law From the law offices of: Harumph, Huzza and Ahem, Attorneys at Law Representing: The Vogon High Command Dear Mudcat People, Please be advised of the intent on the part of The Vogon High Command to file suit against The Mudcat Cafe and its members for interfering with the operation of The Vogon High Command's Hyperspatial Bypass. The operation of the establishment known as "The Mudcat Tavern" has altered the fabric of hyperspace within the area of your planet to such an extent that the Hyperspatial Bypass which The Vogon High Command constructed through your planet, originating in the Australian desert and terminating at a point in your United Kingdom where a village known as "Twillingsgate" formerly stood, is no longer operable. In other words, your planet's not big enough for two hyperspatial enterprises and our clients' Bypass was here long before your Tavern. Your options are as follows: 1) Cease operating your Tavern in a hyperspatial manner. Seal off all doors leading to and from any area not physically contiguous with the Tavern premises. 2) Continue operating your Tavern in a hyperspatial manner and face a lawsuit brought by our clients. The amount of the suit will be equal to the gross amount of toll revenue that The Vogon High Command has lost, is losing, or will lose due to the operation of your Tavern. This is a substantial amount of money, roughly the equivalent of five years income from every person on your planet. 3) Continue operating your Tavern, get sued, lose, don't pay up and our clients will blow your paltry little planet off the face of the galaxy. We trust that an equitable solution to this matter may be achieved without the necessity of going to court. Sincerely, Harumph, Huzza and Ahem, Attorneys at Law |
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19 Dec 03 - 09:08 PM (#1076569) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: The Fooles Troupe Naaaa... We can pay that. I'll ask our good mate George to increase the US Debt.... again... or we could use the profit from The Marminator Project. Say, if we sell them shares in the project... |
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20 Dec 03 - 01:56 AM (#1076680) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rustic Rebel I had to leave in a hurry for a couple of days, only had time for a few shots of pumkin pie and I had to fly. Sage I'm glad you drank most of it up, the milk spoils if you don't drink it fast. Took me two days and 42 drunks later to catch up on what's been going on around here. I want that burger king guy. He is the main man who is going to sing me to sleep tonight! What's that you said? Am I what? Hell all I want is another shot of pumkin pie with a side of tequila and I went and got a blown up photo of my dream burger king mans face and I'm going over to hang it on the tree, what's the matter with that? Just hope the tree is stable when I get near it and it doen't whack me into the jello pit. I think I must be loaded. I think I just heard a whale singing the 12 days of Christmas. |
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20 Dec 03 - 09:14 AM (#1076779) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario RRebel - don't be SILLY! WHy would a Whale be singing the 12 days of Christmas! It is a squid singing the 12 Days of Christmas. The whale is singing 'Good King Wenceslaus'. |
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20 Dec 03 - 01:52 PM (#1076889) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Outside, the sounds of the squid and whale subside, then return with them both in a strange eerie harmony.... Angelfish we've heard on high Sweetly singing o'er the Main And the Mermaids in reply Brushed their golden hair again... Guuuu-uuuuu-uuuuu-ulf Stream Keeps us warm at Christmas Guuuu-uuuuu-uuuuu-ulf Stream Keeps us warm at Chri-ist-mas |
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21 Dec 03 - 12:19 AM (#1077182) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Does anyone know a sweet song called "The Mermaid"? inquires a raspy voice from the hot tub. Those who were standing crowded around the southern hemisphere door listening to the sweet song of the whale are startled to see a half-fish half-woman seated on the edge of the tub. At least, I think it is sweet, she whispers. The comb and the glass are there beside her on the plank edge of the pool, and her wet hair is neatly combed all around her (but not concealing much). Mmario is the first to come to his senses, and walks over with a tray of smoked salmon and places it on a table near her elbow. The fish disappears so quickly all in the room can hardly believe it. Reaching out to take Dave's mug of Santa's Old Bollocks she downs it in one long swallow, then begins to sing Twas Friday morn when we set sail And we were not far from the land When the captain spyed a fair mermaid With a comb and a glass in her hand I DO love those songs about me! she croons. |
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21 Dec 03 - 05:16 PM (#1077434) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak You know... traditionally the mermaid is fish on the bottom half and human on the top half..... Guess there has to be the odd reversed one somewhere... but why our hot-tub? Re: the Ducks, and other foul fowl... WE'RE HAVING BEEF, OK? We couldn't find a duck that wasn't still quacking and the goose wouldn 't have fitted into the oven. Manitas wasn't keen on the idea of deer so we're having beef OK? You can lay off the beak treatment please! LTS |
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21 Dec 03 - 07:32 PM (#1077501) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Gareth Wot no Lamb ??? - Oh you meant to eat ....... ! Gareth |
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21 Dec 03 - 10:33 PM (#1077606) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Confusion. Who is he, he asked himself. Why is he here? The answer was simple. "Landlord, another, if you please." |
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22 Dec 03 - 12:35 AM (#1077631) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Edwina the Mermaid Sorry, was I standing on my head? inquires the mermaid. Let me introduce myself. I have had the pleasure to tap many castaway barrels and bottles over the years, and I caught a whiff of a wonderful fresh brew on the breath of a passing squid. He told me about this place, said he was on his way back (said something about watching out for the tree). My name is Edwina Stone. My friends all call me Eddy. My mother always liked a good musical joke. |
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22 Dec 03 - 04:47 AM (#1077678) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant Well I suppose that Liz's mermaid does have one advantage over the more usual configuration ! Anyway her sister is the normal way round and what a wonderful set of vital statistics she has - I would guess she's about 38-22-£7.25/kilo. |
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22 Dec 03 - 07:36 AM (#1077742) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Ah, Eddy, your certainly svelte and fit. Can't weigh much at all.... |
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22 Dec 03 - 07:50 AM (#1077750) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: The Fooles Troupe ... wanders around blinking - it that ANOTHER Rapaire I see? How many are there? What IS this in my glass, I wonder... |
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22 Dec 03 - 08:06 AM (#1077760) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee ...a Rapaire by any other other name would smell as bad... |
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22 Dec 03 - 12:41 PM (#1077818) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage The barkeep has a unnamed brand of a low-carb brew back there behind the bar that he said he kept just for you, Edwina--you must have been here before? I'm sure I heard him call back to Mmario to "bring me some of that Eddy Stone Light!" |
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22 Dec 03 - 01:39 PM (#1077871) Subject: Add:We Be WiseMen Three From: GUEST,MMario Does that make me the Keeper of the Eddy Stone Light? Who's heard this one? We be wisemen three, pardonnez moi, je vous en prie Lately come forth from out of the east In search of the babe in the manger! Gifts we bear and gladly bring Pardonnez moi, je vous en prie Gold is first, to crown him a king The babe that is laid in the manger Frankencense to offer have we Pardonnez moi, je vous en prie For the Son of God, and Virgin Marie the babe that is laid in the manger Myrhh is third and last of the three Pardonnez moi, je vous en prie Fortelling his death though sinless he be The babe that is laid in the manger Sing Hossanah Earth Sky and Sea! Pardonnez moi, je vois en prie For Born today in Bethl'em City The babe that is laid in the manger! |
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22 Dec 03 - 02:33 PM (#1077908) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Nice song - is there a tune? Quack! |
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22 Dec 03 - 03:49 PM (#1077922) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Gee, from her apparent weight I thought she WAS Eddy Stone, light. |
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22 Dec 03 - 03:51 PM (#1077924) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario it uses this one same as for 'We be Soldiers Three' |
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22 Dec 03 - 08:11 PM (#1078089) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: My guru always said Curled up under the wing of a kind Duck, the stray Tabby purrs gently following her dainty scoffing of extinct & mythological steaks provided by our miraculous Chef. Perhaps the bowl of Baileys that some kindly Catter had placed under the harnessed tree had something to do with her contentment. It had taken such a long time to groom all the jello off her fur... However, the nose is a-twitching & so are the paws. She senses that something is about to happen.... |
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23 Dec 03 - 01:35 AM (#1078237) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Edwina the Mermaid You, in the black hat--Mr. Rapaire--I heard that you have a big chunk of bright red carpet that you're discarding. Is there anything I can do to convince you to let me have some of that wonderous fabric? There's a rock where I sit and sing that could use some padding. Come, sit here beside me in the tub and let's discuss it. |
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23 Dec 03 - 05:57 AM (#1078301) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant I've often wondered - how does a mermaid manage to sit anywhere if she hasn't got a bum ? |
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23 Dec 03 - 06:49 AM (#1078318) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak very carefully, Dave, very VERY carefully! I told a fib. We reverted to plan A, we're having a DUCK for Christmas dinner! I think he was Donald. Says on the wrapper he was wild. I can tell you for a fact that he's not so much wild as bloody livid! He even tried to get one of his chicken pals to do me in by jumping off the shelf and trying to frighten me into a heart attack in the store. THEN the little bugger got 3 gammon joints to leap out at me..... That little ducky bugger is ROAST MEAT! LTS and Limpit |
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23 Dec 03 - 08:16 AM (#1078369) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dave Bryant we're having a DUCK for Christmas dinner! I think he was Donald Are you sure it's not Geoff ? We're having a turkey and a duck (which has been at the bottom of the freezer for quite a while) this Christmas. The nice thing about a duck is that you can shred up any of the odd bits of meat left on the carcase, warm it up with a bit of five spice powder etc and then eat it with cucumber, spring onion, plum sauce and mandarin pancakes. |
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23 Dec 03 - 08:32 AM (#1078376) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck You can have US for Christmas Dinner if you like - save us cooking - make sure there are PLENTY of sprouts for me. Quack! GtD. |
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23 Dec 03 - 06:54 PM (#1078831) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Sprouts have been on the boil for the last 8 months - they might just be done by lunchtime Thursday. Just waiting for the lorryload of parsnips to be delivered and a recipe to turn up..... LTS |
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23 Dec 03 - 07:19 PM (#1078850) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario Understandable - most recipes for turnips do as well for parsnips. try peeling and slicing, parboil for three minutes. Layer with cheese, sprinkle the top with crumbs, dot with butter and bake until tender and the cheese is bubbly |
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23 Dec 03 - 07:28 PM (#1078857) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Gareth Liz - Keep DOWN WIND ! I don't want the sheep scared !! Gareth |
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23 Dec 03 - 11:05 PM (#1078999) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rustic Rebel Another duck wonders aimlessly into the bar. He looks about the tavern and finds he is not the lone duck he thought he was. He slowly manuvers up to the she duck and says, "can I buy you a drink?" She lets out a quack, meaning yes. They both prefer swamp water if your so inclined to serve ducks Mr. Barkeep. After a few drinks the he duck starts to feel a little warmed up to the she duck and says, " how would you like to come to my place where it's safe and warm and wet." She said quack, which meant yes. I would rather come to your house and be eaten, then be eaten here by these humans that only look at me like I am already covered in plum sauce. So they left. The End |
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24 Dec 03 - 09:30 AM (#1079173) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Damn, no plum sauce..... The recipe was for chestnut mousse without 8 pints of whipped cream. Just as well, because I see Mr Bryant has absconded with the cream and is sneaking round the back of the tree towards the hot tub.... Someone help CatsPhiddle, she can't defend herself properly, not with her legs..... Oops. Too late. Anyone got a cloth? Merry Christmas one and all, even the squid. LTS |
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24 Dec 03 - 02:07 PM (#1079317) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Kringle There is the sound of turmoil outside the Australian Door from the Tavern. The sound of hooves clattering on the roof and a jingling of bells. The Oz door swings open and in steps a portly bearded gentleman wearing wrap-around pink sun shades, stripes of pale blue total sun block on nose and cheeks, a red baseball cap with a very long peak, long green beach robe and a red wellington boots with white fur trim. Ho Ho Ho... looks like a good party going on here! He saunters to the bar and looks at the menu. Aurochs! Haven't tastes one of them for centuries! I'll have a pint of Rudolph's Revenge, then. It's hot thirsty work flying over the Outback and I just need a break for a few minutes. I saw you were open and thought it looked like the place to be... He slowly sips his pint, then nodding to the assembled company, he heads back out of the door, throwing back a farewell... I'll see you all later... The smell of hot animals blows into the Tavern as the sound of hooves once again breaks the relative silence. The Duck turns to his neighbour and uters the immortal line - "Who Was that Masked Man?" |
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24 Dec 03 - 02:23 PM (#1079326) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Catherine Jayne I can defend myself with my arm extensions but I need them in place first! Mmmmm chestnut mousse sounds lovely. Seems that Dave Bryant is hoping that someone is going to lick all that whipped cream off his person and he doesn't seem to have spread it sparingly........... Would someone like to remove the duck from the cats mouth again.....If it lasts until tomorrow it will be a small miracle!! |
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24 Dec 03 - 04:31 PM (#1079343) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck I hope he's got a very long tongue, or he could be waiting for a long time. Mind you, if he had a very long tongue, he wouldn't need to cover himself with cream and wait.... Quack! GtD. |
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24 Dec 03 - 07:52 PM (#1079435) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Little Hawk The door bursts open, and Shane (aka "Blind DRunk in Blind River") dashes in, crashing headlong into the bar. He carombs off it, says "Hey! Watch it, eh?", trips backwards over the duck, and does a head-over-heels...all without spilling the half-full bottle of Molson Canadian in his hand, but raising a bit of a head on it. "FLIP!!!" he yells, scrambling to his feet, just as his older brother Don (aka "Big Brother") bursts in the door in similar fashion. They are both wearing dirty old plaid lumberjackets, and baseball caps on backwards. One cap says "Go Leafs Go!". The other cap says "I'm With The Asshole ---->", but it doesn't do any good unless you see them going away, because the caps're on backwards, eh? "You FLIPPIN' RETREAD!!!" yells Don. "That was my last flippin' beer!!!" He starts chasing Shane all around the place, knocking over chairs, crashing into tables, and generally causing way more trouble than one beer could really be worth. Even if it is the last beer. "This is my idiot brother!" yells Shane, to the general assembly. "He is a major loser...and he's BALD!!! See that? Bald!" They start the old run around and around the pool table bit...first to the right...then to the left...Shane is trying to down the rest of the beer with a quick swig now and then, between making faces at Don and giving him the finger. "I'll kill you this time, you bolthole!" yells Don, and with a mighty effort he tips over the entire pool table. Pool balls fly in all directions. "Holy Flip!" hollers Shane. "Yer gonna have to pay for that, idiot-boy..." he steps on a pool ball, falls flat on his back, and the beer goes flying. Don makes an incredible diving save and with a triumphant cry gloves the beer, just short of the top corner of the net. "Robbed!!!" he screams. "Robbed in the crease!" He makes a dash for the back door. "NOOOOOO!" bellows Shane, and follows hot on his brother's heels. The sound of drunken yelling and bodies crashing into trash cans slowly fades off into the night... - Christmas Eve in Blind River, Ontario. - |
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24 Dec 03 - 08:57 PM (#1079469) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MAG ... and that was so unnecessary, seeing as the storeroom has everything on tap ... including my old college beer, Rolling Rock, which I have never even SEEN on tap ... Merry Happy, everyone. time to cocoon down ... |
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24 Dec 03 - 09:00 PM (#1079471) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: The Fooles Troupe Did anyone check to see if that masked man had The Reindeer or The Six White Boomers running gear hooked up to the sleigh? Robin |
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24 Dec 03 - 09:38 PM (#1079493) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak That duck ain't gonna last the night - got the recipe book open on 'orange sauce' right now!! Er... it turned out a bit more chocolatey than chestnutty..... and it's not what I'd call a mousse, but it's a pudding. Of sorts. Gather round, a tiny slice is all you need! LTS |
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25 Dec 03 - 01:18 AM (#1079570) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage Shane certainly cleared some open space. . . thanks to Little Hawk for steering him out the back door! And the answer to the question of duck for dinner is. . . the freezer section of the local grocery store! We sophisticated Mudcatters know that the losers in the freezer section are nothing like our live ducks on the hoof. The ducks for dinner were thawed by Mmario way back, and stashed in the 'fridge. catsPHiddle, I think the cat and the duck were just playing. Under normal circumstances the duck would have pecked the shit out of that cat, yet both are clearly happy and healthy, just running around faking us out. A neighbor brought me a pecan pie--I'll leave it on the bar for anyone who wants to try a tiny piece. To paraphrase a conversation with a friend who one time described an impromptu orgy--a little goes a long way! (But LOOK OUT for that whipped cream!) Rustic, that story was just too droll. . . Merry Christmas, all! |
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25 Dec 03 - 03:22 AM (#1079589) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Roger the Skiffler Well it's still the small hours Mudcat time but it's 08.30 UK time, so Merry Xmas everyone!. Herself has taken two elderly neighbours to church (one blind, one nearly so), my Dad is still asleep, we'll have our stockings when she gets back and proper pressies after lunch so... Season's Greetings to all. RtS |
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25 Dec 03 - 06:42 PM (#1079891) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!! Boy, that duck was good! The chocolate chestnut pudding afterwards wasn't too bad either. Anyone else want a slice? LTS |
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25 Dec 03 - 11:17 PM (#1079992) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage There's still a little Apple Betty left over there also, for anyone who has room for some extra high-octane calories. Sage sends Moonglow up into the rafters to disengage the tree from the harness. Several animals have apparently imprinted on her and Moonglow is followed by two cats, three ducks, a goose (where did it come from?) and three swans. |
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26 Dec 03 - 11:01 AM (#1080261) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,MMario and the beauty of having a party in the Tavern? tosses a few more dirty plates into the kitchen - then closes the door - and re-opens to display a shining new clean kitchen - cupboards fully stocked, dishes sparklingNO CLEANUP! |
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26 Dec 03 - 12:39 PM (#1080292) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Wow! Can you build ME one of those, Mmario? Oh, wait, my kids have on of those already. . . it's called "Mom's kitchen." But I'd like one--put me on your waiting list, please. Sage looks back into the tavern from the kitchen door to see that the leftover food has been placed in nicely-fitting Tupperware and the bartender moves to place the containers into the built-in restaurant-sized fridge down at the end beyond the bar. You'd never know it was there if you hadn't seen where he found the door handle. Looks like there are leftovers for everyone once they wake up from the naps that seem to be happening all around the tavern. . . |
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26 Dec 03 - 04:08 PM (#1080392) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Geoff the Duck Geoff the Duck espies a free space under the corner table. He waddles across, and fluffs up his feathers. He listento the sound of James Brown on the Juke-box, singing "!Get Down" and thinks - that sounds like a good idea. He takea a final look around at the green jello and pine needle splattered barroom, waves a quiet farewell to the occupants of the Mudcat Christmas Tavern, and curls up under the table to wait for early door opening next year..... Quack....... GtD. |
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01 Dec 04 - 03:51 PM (#1344690) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Cluin Yep. It's real quiet in here. Ahhhhhhh. ZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz |
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01 Dec 04 - 04:13 PM (#1344714) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario Someone want to warp the tavern through a sub-space continium or three unti it's clean? I am *NOT* cooking in that kitchen. Something got left in the fridge and I think it has evolved. |
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01 Dec 04 - 04:20 PM (#1344722) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MBSLynne Urgh! You're right, it's disgusting in here! Quick MMario, wake Cluin up and let's get this place cleaned up before everybody starts to arrive....... |
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01 Dec 04 - 04:49 PM (#1344744) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: wysiwyg Fugg it! ~S~ |
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01 Dec 04 - 05:39 PM (#1344776) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Mario, you open the fridge door -- quickly and from the side and make sure you stand out of the way. I've got a flamethrower/disinfectant sprayer combination here that will definitely take care of whatever's in there. Okay, get ready.... |
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01 Dec 04 - 06:12 PM (#1344803) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Dani I'm up for a little cleaning - work I can see the results of!! Let's do it! We'll feel so much better when it's done, then we can sit back and drink some warm spiced wine while someone with a little more creative energy does a little decorating. I brought some cheez doodles, some leftover grilled chicken and an apple pie. Not quite ready for holiday music, so how 'bout we just hum a little. If we get that piano cleaned up SOMEONE'S bound to show up and play it! Dani |
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01 Dec 04 - 06:30 PM (#1344823) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Liz the Squeak Last time you did that to the piano, someone was sick up in the shallow end, which is why no-one ever plays 'Fur Elise' on it anymore. Shall we adjourn to the new place next door? It's a bit cleaner, this place looks like someone tried to stuff a duck...... with a melodeon! LTS |
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01 Dec 04 - 06:46 PM (#1344843) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: MMario Ready Rapaire? On the count of three.... One... |
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01 Dec 04 - 06:46 PM (#1344845) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Amos But bring that old firehose, just in case..... A |
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01 Dec 04 - 08:48 PM (#1344946) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Dang it all! Missed! That's some nasty sucker in there. Whoa, those tentacles have suckers bigger'n the hubcaps on a '59 Cadillac! Ah, Mario, the wall seems to be on fire. I may have kinda sprayed the flame around a bit too much.... |
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01 Dec 04 - 08:57 PM (#1344953) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Stilly River Sage Wait!!! Don't DO that--it's the squid--wake him up slowly and he'll leave on his own. I bet if you uncover the hot tub out on the patio he'll head that direction. |
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01 Dec 04 - 09:07 PM (#1344958) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,Creature of the briney deep Ack! Shut the door or turn off the light! Bitch and moan. . . your breath would smell like this also if you'd been asleep in a Frigidaire© for the last three months. Someone shut the door on me early in the fall, and everyone left in a hurry. . . Splatt now on the floor, a tentacle reaches out and delicately strokes Rapaire's thigh and Susan's ankle then he quietly humps and slithers out the door leaving a slime trail behind him |
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01 Dec 04 - 09:19 PM (#1344967) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: Rapparee Shove him through here! And jump through yourself, this place is a tinderbox! Catch! Here's Bert's credit card! |
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01 Dec 04 - 09:34 PM (#1344985) Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT Christmas Tavern 2003 From: GUEST,ducks cats dogs birds fish squid |
