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07 Mar 04 - 01:03 PM (#1130970) Subject: Lyr Add: THE SPOONS MURDER (Con O'Drisceoil) From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca THE SPOONS MURDER Con O'Drisceoil As recorded by Con O'Drisceoil on "It's No Secret" (an album by Hammy Hamilton, Seamus Creagh, and Con O'Drisceoil, 2012) In the tavern one night we were sitting. I'm sure 'twas the last week of March. From our drinks we were cautiously sipping To ensure that our throats didn't parch. We played music both lively and dacent To bolster our spirits and hopes, While we gazed at the females adjacent And remarked on their curves and their slopes. Till this gent wandered into our session And decided to join in the tunes. Without waiting to ask our permission He took out a large pair of soup spoons. Our teeth in short time we were gritting As he shook and he rattled his toys, And the company's eardrums were splitting With his ugly mechanical noise. Hopping spoons off our heads to provoke us, He continued the music to kill. Whether hornpipes, slow airs or polkas, They all sounded like pneumatic drills. Then he asked could we play any faster As his talent he wished to display, With a grin on the face of the bastard Like the cat as she teases her prey. Our feelings by now were quite bloody And politely we asked him to quit. We suggested a part of his body Where those spoons could conveniently fit. This monster we pestered and hounded. We implored him with curses and tears, But in vain our appeals they resounded In the desert between his two ears. When I went out the back on a mission, He arrived as I finished my leak. He says: "This is a mighty fine session. I think I'll come here every week." When I heard this, with rage I was leppin'. No more of this torture I'd take. I looked 'round for a suitable weapon To silence this damn rattlesnake. Outside towards the yard I did sally To find something to vanquish my foe. I grabbed hold of a gentleman's Raleigh With 15-speed gear and dynamo. Then I battered this musical vandal As I shouted with furious cries: "My dear man, your last spoon you have handled. Say your prayers and await your demise." With the bike, I assailed my tormentor As I swung in a frenzy of hate Till his bones and his skull were in splinters And his health in a very poor state. And when I was no longer able, I forestalled any last-minute hitch By removing the gear-changing cable And strangling the son of a bitch. At the end of my onslaught ferocious, I stood back and surveyed the scene. The state of the place was atrocious, Full of fragments of man and machine. At the spoons-player's remains I was staring. His condition was surely no joke, For his nose was clogged up with ball-bearings And his left eye was pierced by a spoke. At the sight I was feeling quite squeamish, So I washed up and went back inside; Then I drank a half gallon of Beamish For my throat in the struggle had dried. Unpolluted by cutleries clattered, The music was pleasant and sweet. For the rest of the night, nothing mattered But the tunes and the tapping of feet. At an inquest the following September The coroner said: "I conclude The deceased by himself was dismembered As no sign could be found of a feud. For the evidence shows that the fact is, As reported to me by the Guards, He indulged in the foolhardy practice Of trick-cycling in public-house yards. So if you're desperately keen on percussion And to join in the tunes you can't wait, Be you Irishman, German, or Russian, Take a lesson from his awful fate. If your spoons are the best silver-plated Or the humblest of cheap stainless steel, When you play them abroad, you'll be hated, So just use them for eating your meals. |
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07 Mar 04 - 01:07 PM (#1130972) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca This came from a discussion at The Session.org |
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07 Mar 04 - 01:08 PM (#1130975) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca Sorry. This came from a discussion at The Session.org |
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07 Mar 04 - 01:50 PM (#1130996) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: Leadfingers My worry is that someone will do a version for a Banjo player!! |
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07 Mar 04 - 05:26 PM (#1131156) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: Charley Noble Very tasteful, George. No spoonerisms intended. Cheerily, Charley Noble |
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07 Mar 04 - 09:39 PM (#1131326) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: GUEST,leeneia Another example of the sad results of mixing alchohol and testosterone. |
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08 Mar 04 - 10:02 AM (#1131406) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: MartinRyan ... and another example of Con Fada's great songs! Regards |
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08 Mar 04 - 06:32 PM (#1131781) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca I've looked up the information on the "Maid With the Bonny Brown Hair in the Ballad Index. It sais that it has the same tune as Lough Erin's Shore and The Bonnie Wee Lass of the Glen. MMario has supplied a MIDI in a thread on Lough Erin's Shore some time back. It MIGHT be the same song. |
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08 Mar 04 - 06:56 PM (#1131799) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: MartinRyan Don't we have a midi of The Pretty Girl Milking her cow somewhere? That's the tune, as far as I recall. Regards |
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08 Mar 04 - 08:30 PM (#1131858) Subject: Lyr Add: THE RETURN OF 'SPOONS' From: GUEST,a pheasant plucker The Return of 'Spoons' ^^ When next at the tavern we gathered, (I think it was sometime in May) We raised up our glasses and chattered As the pipes and the fiddles did play. The tunes and the songs flowed around us And the porter it flowed down our throats, The temperature rose like a furnace; And we loosened the collars of our coats. I drew into the spirit of the occasion, By bestowing a kiss on a lass; (She was of the female persuasion, And single, with curves smooth as glass.) I said 'My young lass, are you willing To try your good fortune with me? For I have in my purse some bright shillings That I'd spend in your good company.' But my passion was dowsed in cruel fashion, And no answer she gave unto me, For a stranger strode into the session, And sat down betwixt her and me. I told him the seat had been taken And that there was room in the bars, But he said I was sorely mistaken For he'd sat here before, kiss my arse. 'You're welcome, kind stranger,' I told him, 'Though I hardly remember your face. Did you sing, play or dance in times olden Ere politeness evolved in your race? For my father's grandfathers, God bless them, Have fiddled and piped here as well, And never a soul dared disturb them But a spoonsman who now bides in Hell.' The temperature fell like an icicle, And the stranger announced to the room, Said he 'It is due to a bicycle That ever I met with my doom. For the last time I came to this session My skills on the spoons I displayed, But I met with unwonted aggression And got murdered by velocipede. But we spoonsmen let nothing deter us, Even death shall not make us quit - And so I arrived at Saint Peter's To play with the angels a bit. He said: "Oh you're welcome in Heaven, And we've got some fecking great tunes, Sure all of your sins are forgiven, But I can't say the same for your spoons." "But don't worry," he says very civil, "You're dead lucky you met me, you know, For there's a fella who plays like a divil Runs a hell of a session below. In a room at the foot of the staircase You can hear some most infernal tunes, The crack it is fast and its furious, But the racket needs help from your spoons." So I joined the cacophanous rabble, And the records of Hades will tell That since Adam ate half of Eve's apple Such discords were ne'er heard in Hell. And such was their utter amazement At the rattles and rolls of my spoons, They sent for the hostelry's management And summoned him into the room. "This fella will make us demented," They all cried aloud with one voice, "We were never so vilely tormented By such cruel and unusual noise." The Devil he said, and he meant it, "You've a talent I wish I could use, But the sin hasn't yet been invented That I'd punish with such an abuse. Go home and take all of your cutlery You can practice little bit more - It may take a couple of centuries, But I'll call when we want you, I'm sure." 'So I'm back, and I've something to please youse.' And as we stifled our horrified groans, He threw off his coat, and bejasus, He proceeded to play on his bones ! |
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18 Mar 04 - 05:32 PM (#1140338) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca Wondering who wrote the "Return". I didn't realize that this song had been posted in 2001 by Fiolar.... |
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18 Mar 04 - 06:12 PM (#1140362) Subject: Tune Add: THE MAID WITH THE BONNY BROWN HAIR From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca The people at The Session.org now have the tune in ABC and Gif form. Here's the ABC: X: 1 Here's the GIF of the dots |
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10 May 05 - 06:44 AM (#1481457) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: MartinRyan The "Return" certainly read's like Con's own work. God preserve us if there's someone else out there imitating him! One is enough! Regards |
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06 Oct 05 - 03:54 AM (#1576934) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: MartinRyan Fans of Con Fada's warped sense of humour may be interested to know that a book/CD of his own writes is planned for publication next spring! Regards |
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06 Oct 05 - 04:07 AM (#1576941) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: Paul Burke Is there a similar cure for the pests who rattle 50p pieces on the copper table top? |
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06 Oct 05 - 05:16 PM (#1577453) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: The Fooles Troupe We'll have to work on something Paul... |
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03 Nov 06 - 07:42 AM (#1875282) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: MoorleyMan Has anyone yet ascertained the authorship of Return of Spoons, posted here by a Guest in March 2004...? (As Martin observed, it certainly bears hallmarks of Con's style, but it doesn't appear in his book, neither is it referred to therein. My feeling is that it's probably a pretty good pastiche, but the author ought to be identified, if only to take a bow!) |
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03 Nov 06 - 08:16 AM (#1875294) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: Dave'sWife If anyone is looking to hear the melody for this song which is that of The Pretty Girl Milking her cow, Clannad has done a lovely rendition. I believe it might be on their first or second album. I'm sure at Amazon or other such sources, you can use Realplyer or Windowsmedia to click on a sample. I think they call it Pretty Maid Milking Her Cow, but I could be wrong |
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05 Nov 06 - 11:34 AM (#1876722) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: MartinRyan Click here for details of Con's Book/CD "The Spoons Murder and other mysteries"". Highly recommended. Regards |
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05 Nov 06 - 08:23 PM (#1877100) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: Nigel Parsons This has got to be one for Splott Man to learn, I'll PM him. |
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06 Nov 06 - 04:15 AM (#1877247) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder From: Splott Man Moi? |
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15 Mar 07 - 06:35 AM (#1997309) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder (Con O'Drisceoil) From: oldhippie Now all we need are mp3's of both the original and the sequel. |
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16 Aug 07 - 01:25 PM (#2127191) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder (Con O'Drisceoil) From: DannyC Reminds me of the Joe Cooley story. It is said that the great boxplayer was playing away for a few hours in the open, sharing manner that is his reputation and legacy. After suffering a prolonged siege of unsteady and inelegant rat-a-tat-tat, he is said to have called out: "Will someone please get this fu##er a bowl of soup?!?" |
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17 Aug 07 - 09:39 AM (#2127844) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder (Con O'Drisceoil) From: Roger the Skiffler My lawyers will be in touch... RtSpoons |
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01 Aug 15 - 12:18 AM (#3727508) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder (Con O'Drisceoil) From: Sandra in Sydney does anyone know who wrote this parody? Subject: Lyr Add: THE RETURN OF 'SPOONS' From: GUEST,a pheasant plucker - PM Date: 08 Mar 04 - 08:30 PM |