28 Apr 04 - 06:46 PM (#1173565) Subject: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST,harlowpoet Just scribbled this one, to start a limerick thread, if anyones up for it. A bit clean for the moment, but I'm pretty sure it will descend. Miss Muffet, on fleeing that day From the tuffet, defended her play She said, with these words I was eating my curds And the spider had right of whey Simon |
28 Apr 04 - 10:35 PM (#1173709) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Charley Noble One of my favorites: There was a young widow named Brice, Who kept her dead husband on ice; She said, "T?was hard when I lost him, I?ll never defrost him; It?s rather cold comfort but nice." Charley Noble |
28 Apr 04 - 10:52 PM (#1173714) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Ironmule I'm ahead of the game, having started a limerick thread Here on the WoodenBoat Forum. I declared my rules to be "readable in a sixth grade class without the kid being sent to the Priciple's Office". I was amazed by how clean it was kept. We can easily post photo's there but they'd been used for hyjacking and flaming purposes too much lately. The challenge is posting a lyric Attack in the form of a limerick, Pictures are banned,,,,and swearing gets canned, The last line should set them to jeering. Before we can get to the polls, We suffer from internet trolls. Their manner quite grim,,,,no humor slips in. Lets poke their facades full of holes. Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, no school teacher horrified should pick, a small child to send,,,,to the office forfend, to be punished for reading an asterisk. Page two of the WoodenBoat Forum is accessed by tiny little blue clickies at the top and bottom of the page. Jeff Smith |
29 Apr 04 - 07:24 AM (#1173938) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Midchuck Charlie, yours works better with the last line: ...Cold comfort, but cheap at the price. (IMO) Peter |
29 Apr 04 - 07:43 AM (#1173950) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Dave Hanson There once was a gaucho called Bruno, Who said " shagging is one thing I do know " A woman is fine, A sheep is devine, But a llama is numero UNO. Ther are three types of limericks, 1. limericks that can be told in the presence of ladies 2. limericks that can be told when ladies are absent but clergymen are present, and 3. LIMERICKS eric |
29 Apr 04 - 07:58 AM (#1173960) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: jacqui.c Eric - I don't know about clergymen but I've been fighting a battle all my life with the idea that my sensibilities are too tender to be exposed to LIMERICKS and the like. Some of us ladies are quite broadminded nowadays - to sing some folk songs you HAVE to be. I know that it's nice for a man to behave like a gentleman but, if the lady is agreeable then I can't see the problem with her hearing some of the ruder limericks/jokes. Can you? |
29 Apr 04 - 08:23 AM (#1173982) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Charley Noble Thanks, Peter, for your suggestion. Here's another one for the nautically inclined: There once was a pirate named Gates, Who thought he'd do battle on skates, But he fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless, And practically useless on dates. Arghhh! Charley Noble |
29 Apr 04 - 09:26 AM (#1174025) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Leadfingers When the duo I was in at the time had a residency in a pub , the Landlord had this idea that by nine thirty we should be on the 'Rugby' songs . When this worked it was great , but when we did the participation bit it seems to me that there were a lot of ladies whispering to their male partners , who then added a (usually) rude verse. The Limerick packs laughs anatomical In a space that is quite economical But the good ones we've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical |
29 Apr 04 - 08:18 PM (#1174523) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Joe_F Believe it or not, there is actually such a thing as a pious limerick: God's plan made a hopeful beginning, But man spoiled his chances by sinning. We hope that the story Will end in God's glory, But at present the other side's winning. |
29 Apr 04 - 11:28 PM (#1174603) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: darkriver Even worse than the pious limerick may be the conceptually rhyming limerick: There was an old man from Saint Bees Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. When they asked, "Does it hurt?" He replied, "I feel no pain. I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet." doug |
30 Apr 04 - 05:37 AM (#1174793) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Dave Hanson I fully agree with you jacqui c, that definition was from a book about limericks by either the folklorist Gershon Legman or believe it or not the Reverend Sabine Baring Gould who was the son of the great collector. And NO darkriver that's NOT a limerick. eric |
30 Apr 04 - 06:05 AM (#1174819) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: George Papavgeris Generic template below: There once was a Someone from Somewhere who did something-or-other to Somebody. But then Somebody said "Let's do something else instead, you can do something-or-other with Anybody" |
30 Apr 04 - 07:45 AM (#1174867) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: 42 That last one doesn't scan very well L0L j |
30 Apr 04 - 08:14 AM (#1174880) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Schantieman One in the same vein as darkriver's: There once was a man from Dunoon Who used to eat soup with a fork For he said, "As I eat Neither fish, fowl or flesh I should finish my dinner too quick." And that puts me inmind of "Irritating Poem", as performd by Roy Bailey. Steve |
30 Apr 04 - 08:51 AM (#1174898) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Rapparee A complacent on Don of Divinity Made boast of his daughter's virginity They must have been dawdlin' Down at old Magdalen-- It couldn't have happened at Trinity. A mathematicians named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker, plus eight is his phone number -- give him a call. (With a sequel!): A habit obscene and unsavory Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery. With maniacal howls He deflowers young owls Which he keeps in an underground aviary. But the prior of Dunstan St. Just, Consumed with canonical lust, Raped the bishop's prize fowls (His treasured young owls) And a little green lizard, what bust. These are all from Baring-Gould's "Lure of the Limerick." |
30 Apr 04 - 09:29 AM (#1174921) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: freda underhill there once was a fellow called Bush his brain was kept down in his tush when he needed a tonic he had a colonic and watched all his grey cells go whoooosh... f.u. |
30 Apr 04 - 09:33 AM (#1174927) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Rapparee I like that one, Freda! |
30 Apr 04 - 10:03 AM (#1174942) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: freda underhill ta there once was a fellow called Cheney he thought that his boss wasn't brainy he kept him well trained and a little constrained.. but his oaths were a little profaney.. But Bush was a little resistant tho Cheney was strong and insistent our Dubya kept dithering and crapping and blithering so Cheney brought in an assistant Now Bush couldn't speak out without fluffin' the assistant was ordered to muffle 'im with his foot in his mouth and his brain further south It was easy to make him say nuffin' |
30 Apr 04 - 10:47 AM (#1174974) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Schantieman If we really want to get rude (so far they've been quite literary!) I could dig out those I learned from 'More Rugby Songs' about thirty years ago. In the meantime: A lady who lived on the Humber Had a wond'rous collection of lumber: Old boots and tin whistles, A brush without bristles, Three harps and a fossilized plumber. Steve |
30 Apr 04 - 05:58 PM (#1175347) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Shanghaiceltic There was a young man from Bombay Who sailed to China one day, He was taken at the tiller By a sex mad gorilla And China's a bloody long way! |
30 Apr 04 - 06:25 PM (#1175358) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Midchuck I use this for either Kendall or Sandy (bigchuck): There was an old fellow named Morse Who was caught making love to his horse. His wife said, "You rapscallion! That horse is a stallion! This constitutes grounds for divorce!" P. |
01 May 04 - 09:54 AM (#1175760) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: 42 Some wits on the Cat wax poetic 'through limericks fine or pathetic to the point or mundane sacred or profane they act as a useful emetic. |
01 May 04 - 11:05 AM (#1175816) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Georgiansilver This Limerick may not make sense until you have read the explanation at the end:-....... There was a young vicar from salisbury, Whose manner was quite halisbury-scalisbury. He would walk around Hampshire, without any pampshire, Till the Bishop insisted he walisbury. Please read on........ what is the shortened version of the two places mentioned in the limerick???? Answer = Sarum and Hants...now please re-read the limerick and substitute the shorteners. Be Blessed. |
01 May 04 - 11:18 AM (#1175831) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Georgiansilver There was a young lady from Llanfairpwyllgwyng..... Oh sod it!!!! |
01 May 04 - 11:32 AM (#1175842) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: freda underhill there was a young man from nantucket.. oh, better not.. |
01 May 04 - 11:44 AM (#1175856) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Flash Company A young man called Cholmondeley Colquhoun, Once kept, as a pet, a baboquhoun, His mother said 'Cholmondeley, Do you think it's colmondeley To feed your baboquhoun with a spoquhoun!' When the name is pronounced as Chumley Colhoon the rest will be translatable FC |
01 May 04 - 01:22 PM (#1175936) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST,Skipper Jack There was a young girl from Westphalia, Who went to a dance as a dahlia. In the heat of the ball, the petals did fall And the dance, as a dance, was a failure. |
01 May 04 - 02:59 PM (#1176027) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Cluin A Nantucket gentleman of elderly persuasion Sported an appendage which facilitated self-fellation He announced, in a state of rapturous glee As he nattily groomed his gleaming goatee "Ah, but if only I also was blessed with an aural orifice which was more vaginal in nature, then I might venture forth into the heretofore unexplored territories of lateral cranial auto-fornication" |
01 May 04 - 05:16 PM (#1176089) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST,Noddy *-------AAAAAAUUUURGGHHHHHH!!! |
01 May 04 - 07:17 PM (#1176144) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: 42 definitely doesn't scan! *-------AAAAAAUUUURGGHHHHHH!!! |
02 May 04 - 01:42 AM (#1176298) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: darkriver Say! I know a Llanfairpwyllgwyngll limerick! A young man of Llanfairpwyllgwyngll, Whilst bent over, plucking a dingle, Had the whole eisteddfod Taking turns at his pod While they sang some impossible jingle. Wish I could remember where I read it.... doug |
02 May 04 - 01:18 PM (#1176379) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Charley Noble Shanghaiceltic- There was a young man from Bombay Who sailed to China one day, Of the pox he did worry, So he dabbed on some curry, And for Ship Street his anchor did weigh! Cheerily, Charley Noble |
02 May 04 - 04:30 PM (#1176489) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Georgiansilver There was a young man from Kent. Whose er..um...well....was exceedingly bent. To save him much trouble, he bent it in double, and instead of coming he went! |
02 May 04 - 09:48 PM (#1176621) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Joe_F There was once a young man of west Cork Who always split buns with a fork. Said he, "Damn that rhyme! I'd make much better time If I came from Kilmallock or Limerick." |
03 May 04 - 04:43 AM (#1176747) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Dave Hanson The limerick is furtive and mean, You must keep it in close quarantine, Or it sneeks to the slums, And promptly becomes, Disorderly, drunk and obscene the more obscene the better. eric |
03 May 04 - 07:02 AM (#1176789) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Leadfingers A clever commercial female Had her prices tattooed on her tail And below her behind For the sake of the blind A duplicate version in Braille |
03 May 04 - 10:52 AM (#1176891) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Charley Noble "Spoonerism," that's the term I was trying to come up with for the dragon fly/flagon dry verse. Here's another esoteric one for the poets: There once was a poet named McNamiter, Whose tool was of prodigious diameter; But it wasn?t the size, Gave the gals the surprise, T?was his rhythm ? iambic pentameter. Cheerily, Charley Noble |
03 May 04 - 12:30 PM (#1176944) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: JennyO There once was a man from Japan, Whose poetry never would scan. When asked why 'twas so, He said "I don't know, But I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can." |
03 May 04 - 01:07 PM (#1176967) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Skipper Jack There was some kids from Aberystwyth, Who had some cards to play Whist with. They got tired of that and went and sat And played with the things that they pissed with! |
03 May 04 - 02:35 PM (#1177033) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST,harlowpoet As I started the thread, I'd better continue the downward descent. One I knocked up a few years back There was a young man from Australia Whose life spiralled down into failure The cause of his crash Was a gigantic rash That developed on his genitalia |
03 May 04 - 04:47 PM (#1177114) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Georgiansilver There was a young man from Hunts, Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham. Watching the stunts of the....."people" in the punts, And the tricks of the ..."people" who were...."rowing'"em. Work it out for yourself |
03 May 04 - 07:02 PM (#1177239) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST,Simon I deny that this is one of mine A nun, who wasn't a prude Went to her church, in the nude As she prayed with affection She caused an erection Of the parson there preaching, how rude? |
03 May 04 - 09:49 PM (#1177368) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST There once was a man named Clyde Who fell down a 'two-holer' and died Along came his brother and fell down the other now they're in-turd side by side two-holer - an outhouse built for two |
04 May 04 - 04:29 PM (#1177739) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST,harlowpoet A scientific one from myself. A quantum physicist named Charity Observed herself falling, with clarity In love with a chap But he had the clap And she wished for a different reality |
04 May 04 - 04:57 PM (#1177771) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: DougR An old one. The only one I know. There once was a couple named Kelly, who had to sleep belly to belly, because in their haste, they used library paste, instead of petrolium jelly. DougR |
04 May 04 - 05:42 PM (#1177814) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: DougR Today's mail brought this one and I rushed to share it with you. There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose misstatements could fill up a bucket, oft the truth he has bent, Like his "Irish Descent." Of his record he says, "I'll just duck it." DougR |
05 May 04 - 04:19 AM (#1178239) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST A young man and his girl from Stroud Were "having a bit" in the crowd. When a chap at the front, turned around and said "...." Just like that and not very loud. |
05 May 04 - 06:37 AM (#1178329) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST There was a young lady from Ealing who had a peculiar feeling so she lay on her back,opened her c.... and p..... all over the ceiling |
05 May 04 - 06:25 PM (#1178882) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Joe_F Guest: Cf. A lady lubricious and lewd Once stood in a queue in the nude, And a man down in front Hollered out, "I smell ****." Just like that! Right out loud! ******* rude! |
06 May 04 - 06:20 AM (#1179270) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Gurney Georgiansilver, the first two lines of that one for me have been "There was a young vicar from Uppingham, who stood on the bridge overlooking 'em,.... There was a young lady from Hitchen, sat scratching her(self) in the kitchen. Her mother said, "Rose, it's the Pox, I suppose." Rose said "Bollocks. Get on with your knitting." |
06 May 04 - 09:42 AM (#1179410) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: MBSLynne I found one years ago in a book (may have been "Verse and worse") and since it was my name and suited me, I adopted it as my own There was a young lady named Lynne Who was deep in original sin. When they said "Do be good!" She said "Would if I could" And straghtway went at it again. When I met my husband, Ted, I wrote this one for him to go with it: There was a young man named Ted Who was terribly good in bed. He did it again And again and again Till he wore all the hair off his head! Love Lynne |
06 May 04 - 10:42 AM (#1179462) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Schantieman There was a young lady from Spain Who liked a bit now and again. Not now-and-again, bout NOW and AGAIN And again and again and again. S |
06 May 04 - 07:20 PM (#1179824) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Georgiansilver There was a young man from Gosham, Who took out his goolies to wash'em, His mother said"Jack, If you don't put 'em back, I'll step on the buggers and squash'em" |
06 May 04 - 07:41 PM (#1179843) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Leadfingers I have this one for another Lynne - 'Cos she fitted in all respects There was a Law student at Exeter So pretty that men craned their necks at 'er And one was so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er |
06 May 04 - 09:05 PM (#1179884) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST A young lady I heard of from Dorset. Wore a very incredible corset. The bones fit so tight, when she wore it at night, Her husband, poor man had to force it. |
06 May 04 - 09:11 PM (#1179890) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Amos A whacked alcoholic named Bush Thought power one helluva rush! Tried to drag the whole nation Into sin and damnation; But he failed, and fell flat on his head. |
07 May 04 - 05:08 PM (#1180625) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST,harlowpoet Oh go on then A virile young man from Glamorgan Was proud of his sexual organ As long as a rake It looked like a snake That belonged on the head of a gorgon |
08 May 04 - 10:55 AM (#1181094) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: 42 a flea-ridden dachshund, while scratching nefarious plots was a-hatching "Cat" control was his plan Little Hawk was his man. Every last thread he was snatching. tee hee j cross posted to bad poetry about little dogs but why waste good doggeral? |
08 May 04 - 12:28 PM (#1181147) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Georgiansilver One who added to threads on Mudcat, thought it easy and all just "old hat". He did not realise, that in others eyes, He appeared as a bit of a twat! |
08 May 04 - 05:27 PM (#1181334) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Little Hawk Ode to Fritz the Dachshund Our dachshund from Deutschland named Fritz Used to give our poor neighbours the fits He peed on their daisies And drove the cats crazy And tore all the garbage to bits He would start at first glimmer of dawn When he'd drop a big load on their lawn Then he'd strut 'round the place A smug look on his face And assault their shitzu with aplomb He would bark at the slightest excuse And go on like a psychotic goose Then he'd bellow on some more Just outside the front door Till they'd turn the old Doberman loose Then he'd yelp and flee into the house Where he'd lurk like a terrified mouse Underneath Mother's bed He would hide and play dead While destroying a sweater or blouse He would eat anything he could steal From a cooler, the fridge or your meal He'd imbibe party glasses Get drunk and make passes At the potbellied pig, how she'd squeal! He tried walking on swimming pool water Which inspired my cousin's young daughter To leap into the drink Though we yelled, "Let him sink!" He was saved, though she hadn't of oughter... He ate seventy pounds of old ribs And robbed candies from babies in cribs When his stomach was pumped They discovered a clump Of old socks and it cost 30 quid! When he finally sickened and died And went to his reward in the sky We got flowers for Mum Played a slow kettle drum Then all cheered and got bloody well high! |
09 May 04 - 02:52 PM (#1181737) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST,harlowpoet Nice one Little Hawk. There once was a woman called Venus Who said to her chap,â€쳌We're obscene, usâ€쳌 Long marriage ensued Did you think this was rude? Be honest, I'll keep it between us Simon |
10 May 04 - 01:29 PM (#1182405) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Schantieman John (of Cloudstreet) told me a few snorters at Miskin. Come on John - whre are you? Steve |
11 May 04 - 12:08 PM (#1182965) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Midchuck I composed this a couple of days ago while watching a contractor trying to fit a new screen/storm door to our old, out-of-plumb, house: There was a young contractor, Jim, Whose wife had a monstrous large quim. "But," he said, "I forgive her. I'll just use raw liver As a sort of a flexible shim." Peter |
11 May 04 - 12:08 PM (#1182966) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Georgiansilver If a person writes lines on a thread, without really using their head. They may seem like an ass, or appear rather crass, and others may wish they were dead. But if that person uses their brain, writing sensibly now and again. They'll capture attention, with literal invention. Thus Kudos and status they'll gain. I admit it, that I have a gap. between my neck and my cap. So I make an attempt, though it may look unkempt. It's really a load of old crap! |
11 May 04 - 03:26 PM (#1183116) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: John MacKenzie There was a young lady; she was Greek Who had her monthlies twice a week Said her young man from Woking, most provoking, no poking So to speak. I know one about a youg girl from the Azores, but it's too crude. John |
12 May 04 - 07:45 AM (#1183675) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: 42 a limerick...laundered or rude with raison d'etre so crude its rhythm and rhyme travel onwards through time with no deviation a'lewd. j |
12 May 04 - 07:57 AM (#1183682) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: GUEST,Fossil There was a young girl from Pitlochry Made love to a man on a rockery She said: It's no fun These stones hurt my bum, This isn't a f**k, it's a mockery! (Apologies for the asterisks, but I'm not at home and it wouldn't get thru' the censoring programme otherwise) |
12 May 04 - 08:15 AM (#1183691) Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone From: Georgiansilver Yes Giok I think I know that Azores one,,,,sores and drawers as I remember and not nice at all. Be Blessed |