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15 Jul 04 - 05:59 PM (#1226473) Subject: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Amos Homeland Security Self-Examination http://www.funnytimes.com/lessercolumns/200306RL.html by Ray Lesser Homeland Security is the job of all patriotic Americans. Although the FBI, CIA and hundreds of other government agencies are spending millions of man-hours and billions of tax dollars trying their best to root out terrorism, Americans are still in danger. It is impossible for the Homeland Security Department to interrogate every single person in this country (and torture an occasional squealer) to sort out the good citizens from the evildoers. That's why we've created the following Homeland Security Self-Examination. There's no longer any need for invasive and expensive government agency procedures to determine whether or not you're a terrorist. Now, you can do it yourself (as required by sec. 2476, sub-paragraph B, of the USA Patriot Act). You may have thought all people who get infected by terrorism eventually die, either by blowing themselves up or rotting in a concentration camp in Guantanamo Bay. But early detection can help prevent terrorism. By taking this simple Homeland Security Self-Exam, you can find out if you are in danger of becoming a danger to yourself and others around you. The Homeland Security Department recommends that all Americans over the age of 12 examine their patriotism once a month. If a change should occur in your patriotism level let your local FBI agent know, so that you can receive free government monitoring. Homeland Security Self-Exam: Every American should own, and know how to use a gun because: a. We may be called upon at any moment to fend off a jihad of foreign invaders. b. We may need to protect our valuables from millions of newly unemployed slum-dwellers. c. It's fun to shoot things. d. We may be called upon to overthrow a tyrannical leadership that has stolen an election and usurped our freedoms. Every American should be fingerprinted because: a. After all good Americans are fingerprinted, only the evil ones will be left to round up and lock away. b. It will prevent thieves from stealing my identity, and using it to rack up my Victoria's Secret credit card. c. If you're ever kidnapped by terrorists, it'll help the authorities find and identify your body. d. No American should ever be fingerprinted, unless they have been convicted of a felony. My religion is: a. Fundamentalist Christian awaiting the Rapture. b. Christian, with a major in business. c. Non-Christian, but seriously considering converting. d. None of the government's business. I fly the American Flag: a. On both sides of my SUV. b. In front of company headquarters. c. On three-day weekends. d. At half-staff to mourn for the death of our democracy. If I find that my neighbor, a subsidiary of a multi-national corporation, is stockpiling hazardous waste in their backyard I should: a. Ask the company to hide the waste by burying it, so that no terrorists can possibly attempt to use it for some evil plot. b. Contact the Environmental Protection Agency, which takes care of all environmental problems, so you don't have anything to worry about. c. Shut-up and mind my own business. d. Warn other neighbors and the media about the danger. I am most afraid of: a. Islamic Fundamentalists. b. An IRS audit. c. Getting SARS, smallpox, or anthrax without health insurance. d. The Republican Party. The Bill of Rights: a. Is no substitute for the Ten Commandments. b. Only applies to generous campaign contributors. c. Is worth sacrificing to protect my family from terrorists. d. Guarantees the rights of the people against the abuses of power by the Federal government. In regard to foreign countries, what should a patriot do?: a. Do onto others pre-emptively, before they do onto you. b. Through bribery, assassination, and subterfuge, install puppet governments that will allow us to extract all their natural resources. c. Bomb'em if they mess with us. d. Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. Most of my money is: a. Spent supporting people who believe in salvation. b. In oil and defense stocks. c. Spent on rent and groceries. d. In a glass jar on my dresser. When I shop I look to see: a. A Made-in-the-USA label. b. Where the designer section is. c. Where the security cameras are. d. Whether the goods were made by sweatshop labor. Every American deserves an equal opportunity to: a. Pray for forgiveness for their sins. b. Inherit all their family's wealth, free of taxes. c. Work hard, and party hearty. d. Employment, regardless of race, color, weight, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or national origin. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?: a. No, Daddy arranged things with the judge. b. Yes, but I paid a substantial penalty to the SEC, so it's all been cleared up. c. Yes, but I didn't do it. d. Yes, for protesting in a "non-free-speech" zone. I would be proud to serve my President: a. As a missionary to the heathen hordes. b. By accepting multi-billion dollar contracts to rebuild any country he wants to bomb. c. By enlisting in the Marines, if it wasn't for my anal cysts. d. A subpoena to appear in court. Now total your points: Each a. = 1 point, b. = 2 points, c. = 3 points, d. = 1000 points. Your Patriotism Level: Less than 15: A Loyal American! (Report any suspicious activity in your neighborhood.) 15-30: A Friend of The President (Get out your checkbook). 30-39: Born in the USA (Watch more Fox News). Over 39: Terrorist or Terrorist sympathizer (You're either with us, or you're against us. Consider this your final warning.) |
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15 Jul 04 - 06:01 PM (#1226475) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Clinton Hammond Absolutely needs to be under the BS line... |
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15 Jul 04 - 06:13 PM (#1226481) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Amos Quite right, sorry for the oversight. A |
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15 Jul 04 - 06:17 PM (#1226486) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Clinton Hammond Oops... there was also supposed to be smilie :-) after my post, so you'd know I wasn't bein' all big serious face! so here it is! :-) |
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15 Jul 04 - 08:13 PM (#1226552) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Bobert Well, I took the test and my answer sheet look4ed purdy much like my high school transcript. Mostly "d's" with a couple of "c's"... Bobert |
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15 Jul 04 - 09:35 PM (#1226607) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Ebbie Why does making all d's feel so good? Hark! There is a knock at the door. |
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15 Jul 04 - 09:49 PM (#1226612) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Blackcatter Come on Ebbie, you know they don't knock! |
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15 Jul 04 - 10:52 PM (#1226644) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Ebbie Ah, Blackcatter. That is good to know. If an axe is destined to fall on me, I don't really want to know about it beforehand. |
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15 Jul 04 - 11:20 PM (#1226657) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Amergin I got all ds....I think there is a black unmarked van parked down the street....hmmm... |
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15 Jul 04 - 11:22 PM (#1226659) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Bobert Lotta d's going 'round... And they talk about "gentlemen's c's"???.... Bobert |
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16 Jul 04 - 03:17 AM (#1226725) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: GUEST,SueB Great column, thanks Amos! |
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16 Jul 04 - 04:32 PM (#1227177) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Donuel Priceless Reminded me of when Howie Mandel posed as a security guard at the Olympics and told people to go into the rest room and give themselves a cavity search. Some people went in but God knows what they found. |
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03 Aug 04 - 05:54 PM (#1239773) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: GUEST,Guest(not that guest) refreshing random threads for giggles. |
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21 Jan 05 - 04:00 PM (#1384618) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: Amos The Daily Bulletins of the Homeland Security administration are, for the present, available at this publically accessible site: http://cryptome.org/hsomb/hsomb.htm. Scroll down to desired date and click for bulletin. A |
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22 Jan 05 - 07:35 AM (#1385077) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: GUEST,Sandra in Sydney |
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22 Jan 05 - 07:44 AM (#1385078) Subject: RE: Test Your Homeland Security Savvy!!! From: GUEST,me again dunno what happened there, I was trying to type my message & could not get away from the From: line & sure as apples I did not touch the submit button. here in Oz sometime last year, our Prime Miniscule, Little Johnny sent everyone a booklet & fridge magnet - Be Alert, but Not Alarmed!! Lots of folks sent them back, others tossed them out. We would not need to be alarmed if he was not playing Deputy Sherrif with the big kids. Recently there was a cartoon in the morning broadsheet - 2 officials of some kind looking at a fridge saying "It's still got the fridge magnet, must be a terrorist" sandra |