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BS: Funny headlines

21 Aug 04 - 07:29 PM (#1253101)
Subject: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

How about getting some humor into this forum? We have all seen humorous headlines, let's share some of them. (I don't mean things like, CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES)

Here's one, LAWYER LOSES HORSE SUIT


21 Aug 04 - 07:34 PM (#1253104)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST

This isn't a good start. I don't get that one?


21 Aug 04 - 07:38 PM (#1253108)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Leadfingers

Young lady walking home from the laundry she worked in was sexually assaulted by an escaped lunatic who then ran off .- Headline in the paper was :-

NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS

   OK I'll get my coat .


21 Aug 04 - 07:41 PM (#1253110)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST

Two peanuts walked into a bar....One was a salted.


21 Aug 04 - 08:24 PM (#1253139)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bill Hahn//\\

Surely one cannot beat a real one from the NJ situation. I never even look at the Post or the Daily News (-pure crap)---but the headline did jump out:

HE SAYS---HE SAYS.

Bill H


21 Aug 04 - 11:44 PM (#1253216)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Shanghaiceltic

Headline in the Telegraph sometime ago.

Viagara Lorry Hijacked!

The in the main story a quote that police were 'looking for hardened criminals'


22 Aug 04 - 07:05 AM (#1253362)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

I'm talking about REAL headlines.Not jokes.

MYSTERIOUS HOLE APPEARS IN MIAMI STREET. AUTHORITIES ARE LOOKING INTO IT.


22 Aug 04 - 07:06 AM (#1253363)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

Guest, the key word is "SUIT"


22 Aug 04 - 07:43 AM (#1253373)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: M'Grath of Altcar

From the Daily Sport.......

W


22 Aug 04 - 07:48 AM (#1253374)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: M'Grath of Altcar

Ooops. Sorry bout previous post...

From the Daily Sport.......

WORLD WAR TWO BOMBER FOUND ON MOON.

A photograph accompanied the article. It showed a Flying Fortress type bomber.... on the moon!

Following week the headline read.....

WORLD WAR TWO BOMBER ON MOON DISAPPEARS.

This is not a joke. It really was published.

M of A

p.s. I do not buy the daily sport.


22 Aug 04 - 02:12 PM (#1253591)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

Ok, let's add some ads: For a motel for sale:
MOTEL FOR SALE
ALWAYS FULL, (Especially on weekends)


22 Aug 04 - 02:42 PM (#1253606)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Georgiansilver

True Headline from the second world war........... .........
"EIGHTH ARMY PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMANS" Amazing what one could do with bottles in those days, except that there should be a comma after Push.
Best wishes.


22 Aug 04 - 03:07 PM (#1253624)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

GERMAN SHEPARD DOG FOR SALE.
Will eat anything, fond of children.


22 Aug 04 - 03:59 PM (#1253679)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Arkie

Not a headline but it struck me as amusing. On a drive through Missouri my son and I passed a pasture with horses grazing. A sign posted next to the fence said "Eat Beef".


22 Aug 04 - 04:05 PM (#1253686)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST

On a similar sign vein, in Dublin, along a very busy stretch of road, notorious for eon length traffic jams every rush hour, some caring indivudual had placed a sign in his front garden saying...

"If you lived here you'd be home by now."


22 Aug 04 - 04:21 PM (#1253703)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

Sign in Stratton Maine by a general store:
IF WE AINT GOT IT, YOU DON'T NEED IT


22 Aug 04 - 06:18 PM (#1253807)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Joe_F

John L. Lewis Drops Union Suit
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands


22 Aug 04 - 06:18 PM (#1253808)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Stilly River Sage

Sign next to a railroad crossing near Burleson, Texas:

IF IT'S A TIE, YOU LOSE.

SRS


22 Aug 04 - 06:25 PM (#1253815)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Georgiansilver

Hey what's with the signs....we are about headlines in newspapers!!!!
If you want signs....Last sign you see before entering the airport to fly is......TERMINAL !!!!!! and outside hospitals in the U.K there are usually signs which say " Guard Dogs Operating"... Food for thought eh???
Best wishes.


22 Aug 04 - 06:31 PM (#1253822)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

It's all grist for the mill, not enough actual headlines, so signs will do.


22 Aug 04 - 09:18 PM (#1254012)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: khandu

Actual headline in Fort Worth Star-Telegraph many years back:
"Strippers Arrested on Exposing Counts".

The proofreaders failed with this one; they let the typo slip...the "o" was missing from the last word.

K


22 Aug 04 - 10:26 PM (#1254053)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Guy Wolff

My faverite over the years was the one the local paper did on a museum idea I had . It went " TRADITIONAL POTTERY INVITIONS WORKING MUSEUM " the problem was the title was so long it took up two pages and if you lost one page you got    " TRADITIOANL POTTER INVITIONS WORKING "


22 Aug 04 - 10:34 PM (#1254061)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Cluin

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO THE POPE


23 Aug 04 - 12:22 AM (#1254122)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull

from the local [hull ] paper=
"Tigers Chief In Talks"


23 Aug 04 - 07:00 AM (#1254359)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: JennyO

"Boy wanted to work in aquarium - must live in"


23 Aug 04 - 07:06 AM (#1254362)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bagpuss

I always liked this one from the Sports pages. I wonder if someone made it up years ago and thought he would never actually be able to use it...

"Super Cally Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious"


23 Aug 04 - 07:54 AM (#1254376)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

Khandu, that is a riot, and I'm sure it was done on purpose!

An old favorite, EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT.


23 Aug 04 - 08:08 AM (#1254386)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: C-flat

One I like,


"RED TAPE HOLDS UP BRIDGE"



C-flat.


23 Aug 04 - 09:46 AM (#1254450)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: M'Grath of Altcar

Last year my local paper published a photograph of a football team. You know the sort I mean. 6 blokes crouched on the floor. 6 blokes stood behind them, manager & trainer at each end of the line. Nothing abnormal there. However closer scrutiny of the photograph showed that one crouching footballer was erm.... revealing his manhood!

This article was published right next to the weekly angling column. The headline here ran. NEVER MIND THE SAUSAGE WHAT ABOUT THE VEGETABLES.

One poor guy lost his job. The police looked into pressing charges and the whole town roared with laughter for weeks.

M of A


23 Aug 04 - 12:13 PM (#1254540)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST,Crazy Little Woman

Actual headline on the sports pages of yesterday's Kansas City Star

BORED OF THE RINGS

sums up my usual reaction to the Olympics, as well.


23 Aug 04 - 12:41 PM (#1254557)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Cluin

Since bad puns have been brought up...

A shaggy dog story that always blindsides `em, especially when dropped into an unrelated conversation:

You know how Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time? Well, a result, he sported an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also fasted quite often, from both idealogical and spiritual motives, which made his body rather frail, though the spirit was incredibly strong.
But when he did eat, it was often very spicy foods, vegetarian curries and the like. And this gave him bad breath, by all accounts.
So to sum up, he was a super calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.


23 Aug 04 - 01:02 PM (#1254585)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: DMcG

One in the UK referred to Jack Straw, an opposition member of parliament at the time, and his failure to best Micheal Howard when he was home secretary. At the time Micheal Howard was thought to be on the verge of being sacked.

The headline was:

Straw clutches at drowning man.


23 Aug 04 - 10:13 PM (#1254938)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: khandu

From Fort Worth Star-Telegram lost & found ads:
Lost: One Black Female with Long Ears on Valley View; Reward Offered

k


24 Aug 04 - 01:23 AM (#1255059)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Skipjack K8

A true story of a headline that was never used, for obvious reasons. My brother was subbing on the Reading Evening News (UK) the day that President Sadat of Egypt was assasinated in the '70s. The banner they daren't use?

SADAT'S DAT!


24 Aug 04 - 01:34 AM (#1255060)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Ebbie

I love reading tabloid headlines while waitng in the checkout line. Tonight it screamed "Saddam Hussein's Sex Change- and Your Taxes are Paying for I!

There was an accompanying photo of Saddam in a wavy blonde wig- with a thick cigar sticking out of his mouth.

You think?


24 Aug 04 - 01:57 AM (#1255064)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Ebbie

Of course, not "I" but "it".


24 Aug 04 - 04:45 AM (#1255117)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST,weerover

Reproduced in today's Herald (Scotland) from London's Evening Standard:
PRIVATE DENTISTS GUILTY OF RIPPING OFF PATIENTS FACE BEING STRUCK OFF

wr.


24 Aug 04 - 07:43 AM (#1255180)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Chris Green

Wasn't there one in the Sun back in the seventies which should have read RESCUED MAN RAPS LIFEBOAT CREW but instead read RESCUED MAN RAPES LIFEBOAT CREW! I also saw one in a local paper in Wales which read WOMAN, 86, DIES.


24 Aug 04 - 08:51 AM (#1255216)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

In a London office:

AFTER TEA BREAK DRAIN TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON DRAIN BOARD.


27 Aug 04 - 09:00 AM (#1258135)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: s&r

not a headline - a little piece of Spam that arrived today

'Hundreds of design choices!
- No VistaPrint logo on backside!
- Customisation features included!'

Stu


27 Aug 04 - 01:04 PM (#1258314)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nerd

I always liked

Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says.

and

Statistics Show that Teen pregnancy drops off significantly after 25.

After Hurricane Bonnie hit Clinton, North Carolina, the local headline was:

Bonnie Blows Clinton

Another Bill Clinton related headline:

Clinton's Firmness Got Results

Or how about:

Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy.


27 Aug 04 - 01:08 PM (#1258316)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nerd

From the University Daily Kansan, when a studen't father was made head coach of one of their teams:

Student Excited Dad Got Head Job.


27 Aug 04 - 01:13 PM (#1258318)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nerd

And talking of typos. i once myself left the O out of County in the phrase "Camden County Girl Scouts." It was in a grant application. Thank God I caught it before I sent it out!

I once saw a menu offering Black Anus Steak. Yum!


27 Aug 04 - 08:02 PM (#1258554)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Juan P-B

How about:

Plumbing fails at New Scotland Yard - Police have nothing to go on!

Or: Interpol are looking for itinerant farm worker Joseph Camilleri, the only son of an excommunicated Spanish Carmelite nun. Wanted in connection with armed bank raid in Tooting in London and looting in Haifa......... The headline: A Haifa-looting, Tooting-shooting, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona - Part-time ploughboy Joe

BFG


28 Aug 04 - 12:34 AM (#1258691)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: The Fooles Troupe

I forget the exact details, but it goes like this ...

A local live theatre group was doing a kids matinée show. The director was a friend I had worked with on some shows and had been telling me to watch out for the ad in the paper promoting the show

"The Wizard, The Witch and The Giant Cook"

I looked in the paper the day it was supposed to be advertised, and immediately rang her up to to ask if the show was now adult rated as the bold uppercase headline of the ad read


THE WIZARD, THE WITCH AND THE GIANT COCK!

Robin


28 Aug 04 - 11:04 AM (#1258869)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: frogprince

Really printed,(in a tabloid):
"SMELL OF BUM'S FEET KILLS FOUR IN SHELTER FOR HOMELESS"


30 Aug 04 - 07:12 PM (#1260186)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall

HORSE OWNER BRIDLES AT EVICTION


31 Aug 04 - 12:45 AM (#1260387)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Matt_R

hahaha I work for the newspaper here and I write the headlines !


31 Aug 04 - 06:36 AM (#1260554)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nick

Two real ones -

Man Battered in Fish And Chip Shop

Antique Dealer Thought Girl Was Older

There is a story (probably apocryphal) that the Western Mail in Wales used to publish it's first edition without being properly proof read leading to the excellent headline 'Queen Pisses Over the Severn Bridge' amended to 'Passes' in following editions.

Not a headline as such but I did hear a commentator at the Olympics mention whilst watching the weightlifting that he was 'very particular about competitors having a clean snatch'.


31 Aug 04 - 09:26 AM (#1260651)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nigel Parsons

My all time favourite was from one of the doggy papers (Our Dogs, or Dog World) following the Kennel Club's failure to give a decisive response to whether 'docking' (the cutting short of dogs tails at an early age) was acceptable, and leaving the decision to vets. The headline?

"Kennel Club fudge the docking issue!"


To this day I'm unsure whether the spoonerism was deliberate

Nigel


01 Sep 04 - 05:36 AM (#1261428)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Moonunit

I've spotted this sign quite a few times whilst driving round the countryside...

FARMERS OWN SEED

...and to think they sell it by the bucket.


01 Sep 04 - 08:53 AM (#1261540)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Rapparee

A guy named Lear Keller got the title role, so as News Editor of my college paper I couldn't resist running the headline

Lear Plays Hamlet.


01 Sep 04 - 09:41 AM (#1261574)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bill D

although it 'may' be apocyphral, one of the best of all time was the story that Aristotle Onassis was once looking for a home in Hollywood, and was shown a house that once belonged to Buster Keaton. The L.A. Times, it is said, photographed him there and published the photo with the title "Aristotle Comtemplating the Home of Buster"


01 Sep 04 - 09:47 AM (#1261582)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Deckman

Years ago, in Iowa, I was stuck driving behind a livestock truck. It had a large sign on the rear that said: "OUR BACON COMES FROM HOGS THAT MADE PIGS OF THEMSELVES"! Cheers, Bob


20 Feb 05 - 03:48 PM (#1415755)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bert

Marines suspended after death. - In The Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph today.


20 Feb 05 - 07:57 PM (#1415991)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T

Fom a local newspaper many years ago:-

"George Green is a defective in the police force".

The following day:-

We apologise for the typing error in yesterdays article. This should have read "George Green is a detective in the police farce".

Gospel truth!

DT


20 Feb 05 - 08:21 PM (#1416006)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bill D

I just remembered a headline I cut out of the paper years ago...so long ago I don't remember the story...but maybe it's better that way..


Lesbians Turned Back En Masse at Border


20 Feb 05 - 10:14 PM (#1416086)
Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Amos

Nigel:

That spoonerism is an absolute crackup -- it could not possibly have been innocent-!! LOL


A