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20 Sep 04 - 12:29 PM (#1276489) Subject: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend I feel sure we all have "helpful hints" we can share with fellow Mudcatters to help each other through the day. I'll start us off. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. |
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20 Sep 04 - 12:50 PM (#1276505) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: CarolC Never shoot the driver. |
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20 Sep 04 - 01:08 PM (#1276527) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver Don't post on threads which are a waste of time Best wishes. |
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20 Sep 04 - 01:17 PM (#1276532) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: CarolC And which threads would those be, Georgiansilver? |
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20 Sep 04 - 01:18 PM (#1276534) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: CarolC ( ...for instance, posting to this thread made me laugh and brought just a little extra enjoyment to my day. Is laughter and enjoyment a waste of time?) |
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20 Sep 04 - 01:21 PM (#1276535) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: wysiwyg Pain from an ingrown toenail can be stopped promptly and permanently by removal of the affected toe, if possible with a good heavy cleaver. Acne is equally responsive to surgical treatment. ~S~ |
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20 Sep 04 - 01:23 PM (#1276538) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Amos When people are being difficult they are probably projecting. It helps to remember this. A |
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20 Sep 04 - 01:28 PM (#1276543) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST I did a project once on The Isle of Wight. I traced around map of the coastline. It was really difficult. |
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20 Sep 04 - 03:28 PM (#1276632) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. |
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20 Sep 04 - 03:35 PM (#1276638) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sorcha Pliers and beer work wonders on abcessed teeth. Don't put chicken bones down the bog. Never put a dead cat in a rubbish bin. |
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20 Sep 04 - 03:39 PM (#1276640) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: frogprince Come now, Sorcha; if no one ever puts a dead cat in a rubbish bin, whatever will Sir jOhn do for a topic of conversation?... |
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20 Sep 04 - 04:11 PM (#1276663) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Stilly River Sage Don't throw bikes in his garden, either! |
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20 Sep 04 - 04:15 PM (#1276666) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sorcha Or bricks! |
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20 Sep 04 - 04:36 PM (#1276676) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Hand-Pulled Boy Keep fit. |
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20 Sep 04 - 10:22 PM (#1276922) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,SueB Always teach your children the anatomically correct words for all their body parts. Then when you have rushed your child out of a restaurant bathroom because you are in a hurry to get to the movie on time they can insist loudly, as you are dragging them past the other diners, "But Mom, my VULVA is still wet!" and have the satisfaction of knowing how impressed everybody is with your child's vocabulary... |
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20 Sep 04 - 10:28 PM (#1276924) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Bobert A bumble bee flies faster than a John Deer tractor.... |
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20 Sep 04 - 10:29 PM (#1276925) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: wysiwyg When looking for good quality childcare, call SueB. ~S~ |
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20 Sep 04 - 10:29 PM (#1276926) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: beardedbruce I didn't know a John Deere could fly! Something new every day, I guess... |
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20 Sep 04 - 10:29 PM (#1276927) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Teresa Never leave anything cooking on the stove when you have a great idea for saving the world. You might (1) forget in hindsight what that great idea was anyway and (2) be in grave danger of burning down the house! all's well that ends well. ;) :> T |
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20 Sep 04 - 10:31 PM (#1276930) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Peace Don't get the thermometers mixed up. |
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20 Sep 04 - 10:42 PM (#1276936) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: JennyO If you are always losing the remote control, tape it to the TV, and you will always know where it is. |
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20 Sep 04 - 10:50 PM (#1276940) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Deckman Always try to drive a nail with the pointy end toward the wood. Bob |
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20 Sep 04 - 11:13 PM (#1276955) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: beardedbruce Where does the driver sit, on a nail? |
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21 Sep 04 - 03:15 AM (#1277036) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Kaleea Gee, there are so many helpful hints, where to start? So, um, since the gardening season is soon over for many of us, Try this scientifically proven garden hint--it's a surefire way to use a natural methodism of keeping away garden pests. Around the perimeter edges of your garden spot, always place Tiger poop as it deters & keeps the elephants from trampling your veggies, fruits , herbs & flowers in your garden! To this day, I've never had an elephant trample my garden!! It's organic, too. |
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21 Sep 04 - 03:18 AM (#1277037) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver CarolC...What may be a waste of time to me, may not to you and vice-versa..You have to decide that for yourself. I don't want to decide it for you. Best wishes. |
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21 Sep 04 - 03:20 AM (#1277040) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull Don't poke lions with sticks. |
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21 Sep 04 - 03:32 AM (#1277044) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Deckman Never hire a carpenter with new tools! Bob |
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21 Sep 04 - 03:47 AM (#1277055) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver My friend used to bite his nails....... Ended up breaking most of his teeth..... He was a carpenter. Best wishes. |
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21 Sep 04 - 04:38 AM (#1277084) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Dave Hanson Don't eat yellow snow. eric |
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21 Sep 04 - 04:45 AM (#1277087) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,milk monitor Watch out where the huskies go. |
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21 Sep 04 - 05:56 AM (#1277144) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Leadfingers Look Both Ways When Crossing the Road |
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21 Sep 04 - 05:58 AM (#1277147) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull Eat more fish. |
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21 Sep 04 - 07:56 AM (#1277200) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough. |
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21 Sep 04 - 09:47 AM (#1277285) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST, John O'Lennaine "Go placidly amid the noise & haste..." Rotate your tyres. |
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21 Sep 04 - 12:03 PM (#1277409) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Hand-Pulled Boy The more members in a band the more people there are to blame for sounding crap. |
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21 Sep 04 - 05:47 PM (#1277690) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Bill D "Green side up!" (surely everyone knows the joke..) It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide. Don't do too good a job...folks will begin to expect it! Rice expands a LOT when cooked. You always find something in the last place you look...so look there first. |
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21 Sep 04 - 05:49 PM (#1277693) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Chris Green Never lend money to a man wearing rollerskates. |
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21 Sep 04 - 06:19 PM (#1277719) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sam L nice one, JennyO. Never pick up a hitchhiker wearing a cowboy hat and a hospital gown. If you're an old man and go into a bar in your pajamas, somebody will buy you a drink. Don't try to start the "wave" at a ballet. With a few tools, a torch, and metal rod, you can lengthen and bend a backscratcher around so you can scratch your front, also. Drill a hole in the center of your soap so you won't be left with those little bits at the end. Save on xerox paper, keep one blank sheet, so when you're about to run out of blank paper you can just copy more. If your wife or girlfriend asks if you think another woman is attractive, say yes, but then, hesitantly, find specific faults with the woman. (There's a whole world of things that are wrong with utterly beautiful women, things that straight men often don't know or care about--look in women's magazines for ideas.) Then finish with, But still, I'd do her. If ye hath a garment or piece of garb that sayeth, Do not wash in chlorine bleach, it hath been chemically bleached and yea, verily, do not use any bleaches, lest it yellow. |
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21 Sep 04 - 06:25 PM (#1277723) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend Excellent Fred "Don't try to start the "wave" at a ballet." now this I have to try! |
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21 Sep 04 - 06:30 PM (#1277729) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Moonunit Depressed people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on Paracetamol, etc... |
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21 Sep 04 - 06:50 PM (#1277746) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Jim Dixon Stock market tip: Buy low. Sell high. Weight loss tip: Exercise more. Eat less. |
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21 Sep 04 - 09:37 PM (#1277854) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sorcha Never put baking soda in tomato juice, esp in a blender. |
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21 Sep 04 - 09:57 PM (#1277867) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: CarolC Why not, Sorcha? Sounds like fun. |
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21 Sep 04 - 10:02 PM (#1277869) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Deckman NEVER call my brother!!! Bob |
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21 Sep 04 - 10:16 PM (#1277882) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe Never try to hard boil an egg in a deep fryer. |
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21 Sep 04 - 10:35 PM (#1277892) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Teresa When you're not sure if you've got your socks on the right feet, it's time for an attitude adjustment, or at least some sleep! :D T |
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21 Sep 04 - 11:09 PM (#1277905) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: wysiwyg Tomato juice = acidic, like the old vinegar/baking soda volcano for the school's science fair? ~S~ |
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21 Sep 04 - 11:25 PM (#1277916) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: CarolC That's the part that sounds like fun. |
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21 Sep 04 - 11:37 PM (#1277922) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Rustic Rebel Don't use a propane torch to trim your hair. Don't add a hare to your soup, because we all know, no-one likes to find hare in their soup. |
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22 Sep 04 - 02:32 AM (#1277976) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,Boab Never shove yer Granny when she's shavin'. |
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22 Sep 04 - 04:40 AM (#1278025) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,noddy No matter who you vote for the government always wins. The only animal that cannot swim is the camel. use both sides of the paper. When you buy socks make sure they are all the same that way when you lose one you still have a pair. |
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22 Sep 04 - 04:44 AM (#1278026) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,noddy Was to get thrown out of a pub: When the barman asks if you want ice in you drink tell him there is enough water in it already. When the barman serves up your pint ask if he can put a dram of whisky in it. When he replies yes, Tell him to fill the glass properly next time. Tell the barman that if he wants to make more money he should serve the customers quicker. |
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22 Sep 04 - 04:45 AM (#1278029) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: DMcG #1: If after using both sides of the paper you turn it through ninety degrees then you can use both sides of the paper *again* quite legibly, especially if you change the colour of your pen. #2: Do not try this when undertaking national examinations or producing your business accounts. |
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22 Sep 04 - 05:41 AM (#1278054) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver But don't try the above exercise with toilet paper.....mmmm |
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22 Sep 04 - 07:08 AM (#1278100) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend Save on buttons and cotton don't put any on your socks. |
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22 Sep 04 - 07:09 AM (#1278101) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,noddy save of shoe leather hop |
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22 Sep 04 - 07:10 AM (#1278102) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,noddy ON not of |
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23 Sep 04 - 03:39 AM (#1278925) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking area shouting "Run for your lives, they're loose!" |
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23 Sep 04 - 04:04 AM (#1278932) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Teresa If you should find yourself wearing a sock on each foot from two wildly, colorfully different pairs and someone notices, tell them you have a pair just like it at home. T |
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23 Sep 04 - 07:34 AM (#1279006) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Moses Parents:- If you are pushed for time, remember, washing-up usually dries by itself after a while - small children seldom do. Also:- After a while the dust doesn't get any thicker And:- If you have to share a treat (sweets/cake etc) between two children and want to avoid the cries of "her share is bigger than mine", get the oldest child to divide the treat and the give youngest first choice. Has never failed for me! |
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23 Sep 04 - 07:45 AM (#1279013) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Mr Red If you can find it - it IS tidy (OK?) |
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24 Sep 04 - 06:40 AM (#1279768) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Micca A tidy desk is the product of a diseased mind or of someone with too much time on their hands. Never pat a burning dog You can fool all the people some of the time, and that is usually enough to get elected. If you think there is some good in everyone, you haven't met everyone Some people are like wasps at a picnic, they just KNOW how to get up your nose!! If you have had a lot to drink and you hear someone talking Bollocks, careful, it may be YOU. |
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24 Sep 04 - 07:16 AM (#1279793) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend Avoid arguments about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. |
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24 Sep 04 - 09:01 AM (#1279878) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Fred (Beetle) Bailey Never make love to a porcupine when it's on fire. |
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24 Sep 04 - 09:02 AM (#1279882) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver Al"koi"holics eh?? |
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24 Sep 04 - 09:48 PM (#1280496) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST, John O'Lennaine Measure twice, cut once. - This rule can actually be more trouble than it's worth. What if you get two different measurements? The rule says nothing about measuring a third time. If you do measure a third time you might end up with three different measurements. Ah no, my friends, that way lies madness. My advice to you is to quickly line it up with your eye and then hack right into it. Your success rate will be far higher than you will have any reasonable right to expect. Happy carpenting, John |
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25 Sep 04 - 01:23 AM (#1280563) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe Measure Three Times, Cut Twice, Rebuild Once. |
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25 Sep 04 - 02:06 AM (#1280570) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull Don't buy Sunny Delight, it's shite. |
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25 Sep 04 - 02:37 AM (#1280577) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe "Can't Believe It's Not Butter"? Bullshit! Erkkk! |
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27 Sep 04 - 10:23 AM (#1282252) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,noddy it takes two to start an arguement. OH YEAH!! |
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27 Sep 04 - 10:55 AM (#1282278) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe Sez WHO?! |
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27 Sep 04 - 03:44 PM (#1282490) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: MBSLynne When I was first pregnant my Mother's only piece of advice was "You'll find it increasingly difficult to clean the bath, and don't ride a motor bike in your last week of pregnancy" Love Lynne |
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27 Sep 04 - 04:12 PM (#1282504) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Bill D "...don't ride a motor bike in your last week of pregnancy" but trampolines are ok? |
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27 Sep 04 - 05:08 PM (#1282535) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Blowzabella Don't make me angry (you won't like me when I'm angry) Courtesy of The Incredible Hulk (but might apply to me now and again too!) xx |
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27 Sep 04 - 05:56 PM (#1282578) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Once Famous Never misplace your glasses if you need them to find them. |
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27 Sep 04 - 06:12 PM (#1282589) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver Short sighted thing to do anyway eh?? |
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27 Sep 04 - 07:04 PM (#1282624) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Jim Dixon When you're young, buy a lifetime supply of identical socks. |
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28 Sep 04 - 12:28 AM (#1282814) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: JennyO Organise your wardrobe into colour-coded sections. Staple matching shoes to each outfit. Embroider all the days of the week onto your underpants. Each morning you will know which pair to wear. Wear a baked garlic bulb in your shoe to ward off colds. |
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28 Sep 04 - 12:48 AM (#1282826) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: freda underhill Never go horseriding when you're pregnant. |
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28 Sep 04 - 07:09 AM (#1283016) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend Never try to get pregnant when you're horseriding. |
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28 Sep 04 - 10:30 AM (#1283168) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,noddy always lift the lid of the pan before starting to wee |
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28 Sep 04 - 01:53 PM (#1283331) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Blissfully Ignorant Never try to convince police officers that you're sober when you're blatantly not, they won't believe you. i know this from painful experience! :( Ditto for bouncers, bar staff, mothers, etc. Always make sure that your dinner is actually dead before you eat it. Beware of cheap ciggarette lighters, for verily they shalt singe thy eybrows... When confronted by an uncouth gentleman bearing an AK-47, sarcasm is not an option. that only works for action heros. You know you're sober when you can lie on the floor without having to hold on. Never trust a man with a beard. The smaller the monkey, the more likely it is too rip your face of. When faced with complete disaster, utter defiance is the ONLY recourse! |
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28 Sep 04 - 03:46 PM (#1283422) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: MBSLynne Trampolines must be ok or my Mother would have told me! Probably help you to give birth to a bouncing baby! |
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28 Sep 04 - 04:35 PM (#1283454) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Wesley S In Texas we say - "Never squat with your spurs on" and "Don't drink downstream from the heard" And from personal experience I've learned you shouldn't use regular dishwashing liquid in a dishwasher. |
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28 Sep 04 - 05:41 PM (#1283494) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Hand-Pulled Boy Never dive off the Humber Bridge. |
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28 Sep 04 - 06:15 PM (#1283531) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Janie Never fart with only two people in the room. Well, two people and a dog might work. Janie |
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28 Sep 04 - 07:14 PM (#1283553) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sam L Have embarrassing nude photos done professionally when you're young. Don't stand on or above this step, or if you must, be sure your pants are secured so they won't fall around your ankles. It may take you a long time to figure out how to get down. |
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28 Sep 04 - 08:40 PM (#1283601) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Janie If you are over fifty, always garden with a boat's horn at your side so you can attract attention when you bend over to hoist that last shovel of sub-soil, and then can't straighten up. Janie-who-has-been-there-without-the-horn-one-too-many-times. |
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28 Sep 04 - 10:32 PM (#1283664) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe When gardening and you find that you can;t straighten up after trying to hoist that last shovel of sub-soil, use the shovel to help you straighten up by placing it vertically on the ground and trying to climb up it. |
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29 Sep 04 - 03:15 AM (#1283769) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kills insect stings too. |
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29 Sep 04 - 03:36 AM (#1283785) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver Eat sh*t.....70,000,000,000 flies can't be wrong can they??? Don't eat yellow snow. |
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29 Sep 04 - 05:31 AM (#1283841) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: MBSLynne Probably better to have embarassing nude photos done when you are young than when you are old! Love Lynne |
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29 Sep 04 - 05:46 AM (#1283855) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: greg stephens Don't waste money on binoculars. Stand closer to things. |
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30 Sep 04 - 05:19 AM (#1284739) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull don't put to much tomato in your bacon and tomato sandwidge, it will splop out, and go all over the carpit. |
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30 Sep 04 - 06:01 AM (#1284759) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Paco Rabanne Stamp on any banjo you see. Your ears will love you forever. |
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30 Sep 04 - 06:36 AM (#1284774) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Paco Rabanne Don't claim the 100th post too early. |
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30 Sep 04 - 06:40 AM (#1284775) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: greg stephens Don't sleep with anyone madder than yourself. |
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30 Sep 04 - 06:46 AM (#1284776) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Paco Rabanne 100! I thank you! |
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30 Sep 04 - 07:01 AM (#1284780) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: greg stephens 98 I think, maybe you should try again now. |
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30 Sep 04 - 07:02 AM (#1284782) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Jack the Sailor For George Bush. From the media, Only talk to Bill O'Reiley and Dr. Phil. No matter how lame the excuse, keep repeating it. Someone will pretend to believe you and thus you will fool those who are not paying attention. When someone criticizes you, say that it is bad for morale. When you criticize someone else well that's just humor. Smirk when you say everything, then when you screw up, and you know you are gonna screw up, you can pretend you were joking. |
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30 Sep 04 - 07:27 AM (#1284790) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: George Papavgeris For super ted: Count the messages before you post For astronauts: Fart before you climb into your spacesuit. For bank robbers: Never sign a receipt. |
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30 Sep 04 - 07:30 AM (#1284792) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: MBSLynne "Don't sleep with anyone madder than yourself"? No problem there then!! Love Lynne |
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30 Sep 04 - 09:27 AM (#1284869) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver If you consider eating a lot of baked beans...remember you have to sleep with yourself at night! When breaking wind, always remember that sometimes it may not be wind! In a so called "Accident", someone is always to blame! |
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30 Sep 04 - 09:58 AM (#1284895) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,noddy If you wee in your wet suit.................... you stew in your own juice. |
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01 Oct 04 - 09:21 AM (#1285959) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,Skipy There is no such thing as a "double positive" in the English language. Yeah right! |
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01 Oct 04 - 10:20 AM (#1286029) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,skipy When climbing a mountain always try to maintain at least one point of contact. skipy |
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01 Oct 04 - 02:54 PM (#1286274) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST refresh |
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01 Oct 04 - 03:02 PM (#1286277) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,skipy before throwing a condom away rip off the rubber ring at the top and keep it, it will be useful someday as an elastic band Skipy1 |
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01 Oct 04 - 10:33 PM (#1286603) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe 1) The Princess is Blue 2) The Pauper is Brown 3) They're BOTH Barbie! |
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02 Oct 04 - 05:18 AM (#1286719) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Hand-Pulled Boy Dave have you actually learnt anything from this 'ere thread or do you regret ever creating it? |
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02 Oct 04 - 05:36 AM (#1286726) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Ellenpoly Shhhh HPB...some of us are taking notes. |
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02 Oct 04 - 06:24 AM (#1286740) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend Exactly Ellenpoly shhhh HPB - some of us are taking notes, you never know when you may need some of the knowledge deposited here. This thread is developing into what could become a much sought after resource for the future.......and for someone who has very white skin, those that are extremely difficult to tan, apply Coca-Cola instead of a tanning cream it will work wonders. Do it with your partner for even more fun - next please |
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02 Oct 04 - 06:27 AM (#1286742) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull Don't go out on friday night, drink 12 pints, have a crappy kebab, then 4 mars bars, you will fell crap the next morning. |
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02 Oct 04 - 06:48 AM (#1286747) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend jOhn you should always fry the Mars bars first I think you will find this helps, and take them out of the wrappers. |
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02 Oct 04 - 06:52 AM (#1286752) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull oh. |
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02 Oct 04 - 05:44 PM (#1287025) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Bat Goddess I like to share my housekeeping advice. I find that if you have enough interesting stuff around the house for people to look at then nobody notices that the house is a complete and total mess. (Especially if certain key surfaces are shiny and all the piles of books and papers and stuff are neatly stacked, preferably over the really bad stains.) My other bit of housekeeping advice can be summed up in one word -- tarps. (Lots of things can be tarps -- rugs, tablecloths, sheets or bedspreads . . .) And I like to think of cat hair as a mulch -- it keeps the dust off the furniture. Linn |
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02 Oct 04 - 09:30 PM (#1287148) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Big Al Whittle When I was very young, Derek Brimstone said al, never ignore an omen....never ever walk across the M1 with your eyes closed And Al you must never ever kick a bulldog in the bollocks, if you've got your hand in its mouth And I've tried to live by this as a sort of code, a paradigm to aspire to, a moral absolute. |
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02 Oct 04 - 11:41 PM (#1287218) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Blissfully Ignorant Never attempt to converse with someone who's just woken up with the mother of all hangovers...you would THINK that was obvious, but no! Several people have had their heads bitten off after attempting this brave, but ultimately foolish, feat...a few of them by me. Don't eat yellow snow, never trust a man with a beard, don't give the fingers to someone bigger than you- and most importantly, ALWAYS remember that th oompa-loompas are out to get you, and they are VEEEEERY devious, with their sneaky little green haired antics.... *Slaps self* all apologies,folks... i appear to be having an episode of some kind... *twitches frequently and violently* hehehehhahahhahgogogoogo! |
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03 Oct 04 - 06:42 AM (#1287299) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,skipy never walk under a black cat |
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03 Oct 04 - 08:11 AM (#1287329) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver Never walk under a cow, unless you want a pat on the head! |
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04 Oct 04 - 09:29 AM (#1288224) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: JennyO ...and of course the cure for a person with water on the brain is a tap on the head. |
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04 Oct 04 - 09:44 AM (#1288233) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver and water on the knee...drainpipe trousers. |
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04 Oct 04 - 07:17 PM (#1288635) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Bat Goddess Then there's the words to live by that I gleaned from two different sources -- From a friend in the dip corps (diplomatic service) -- 1. Never lie. 2. Never tell all of the truth. 3. Never pass up an opportunity to use the loo. And from a cowgirl friend -- Keep your drinks money separate from your bail money. Combined, the advice will keep you out of a LOT of trouble . . . Linn |
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04 Oct 04 - 07:35 PM (#1288653) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Jim Dixon If you follow this suggestion, you'll never have to weed your garden again: Just learn the Latin names of all the weeds. If anyone looks askance at your garden, just ask them, "Would you like to see my Portulaca oleracea?" Then make up a story about how your grandmother used to grow it for its medicinal properties, and you grow it now in remembrance of her. |
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04 Oct 04 - 08:26 PM (#1288695) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe The worst people in the world are those with no sense of doubt. |
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04 Oct 04 - 08:46 PM (#1288708) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe I've been told that if you get a couple of coconut shells you can make the sound of a border collie. |
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05 Oct 04 - 04:00 AM (#1288913) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Ellenpoly Just found this new one. When really depressed.... Go read a bunch of Sir jOhn of Hull's posts. I feel better every time. ..xx..e |
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05 Oct 04 - 04:06 AM (#1288918) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull Cheaper than Prozac, and no side effects! |
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05 Oct 04 - 04:07 AM (#1288919) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend Allegedly: An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator. |
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05 Oct 04 - 05:51 AM (#1288975) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Hand-Pulled Boy We need a volunteer to test it. |
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05 Oct 04 - 07:15 AM (#1289027) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,CrazyEddie Never play leap-frog with a unicorn. Never purchase a small, stupid, slave- it's not big, and it's not clever. Never argue with seven desperados, if all you're packing is a six-gun. |
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05 Oct 04 - 07:28 AM (#1289036) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: MBSLynne The sound of a border collie doing what? |
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05 Oct 04 - 07:34 AM (#1289042) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,Skipy Why! pretening to be a horse on cobblestones! Skipy1 |
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05 Oct 04 - 07:37 AM (#1289044) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Secretfriend if your doing something naughty keep your mouth shut |
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05 Oct 04 - 07:47 AM (#1289056) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull Don't buy loads of ice cream if youv'e only got a little freezer. |
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05 Oct 04 - 11:30 AM (#1289258) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver Why not jOhn, I'm sure a lady friend could think of something that you could do with the excess! Best wishes. |
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05 Oct 04 - 11:31 AM (#1289259) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver If you're a carpenter/joiner don't bite your nails Best wishes. |
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05 Oct 04 - 11:34 AM (#1289262) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: JennyO Never use a chainsaw while in the nude! Years ago when I was married and living out in the country, we had nudist neighbours who actually did this! He did wear his good strong boots though. |
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05 Oct 04 - 12:24 PM (#1289328) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: frogprince A. You don't have to be crazy to be a nudists B. Some nudists are just as crazy as some other people. |
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05 Oct 04 - 12:41 PM (#1289351) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Georgiansilver I think rather than strong boots I would have worn strong underpants...one can manage without a foot but...... Best wishes. |
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05 Oct 04 - 12:51 PM (#1289359) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe But only if you wear Margaret Thatcher's underpants... she wasn't called "The Iron Lady" for nothing... |
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05 Oct 04 - 12:56 PM (#1289368) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: frogprince True, Georgian, I been managing with a little less than a foot, but I want to keep what I got... |
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05 Oct 04 - 05:48 PM (#1289582) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. |
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05 Oct 04 - 09:29 PM (#1289759) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe ..or whom you no longer like... You may find it easier to rip out entire pages to reduce the size. The resultant few pages are much easier to carry around. |
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06 Oct 04 - 07:05 AM (#1290052) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: Sttaw Legend Heavy smokers (and indeed thin ones): Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling. |
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06 Oct 04 - 08:19 PM (#1290750) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: The Fooles Troupe ...and the fumes they give off will mean that you can give up smoking! |
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07 Oct 04 - 06:43 AM (#1291119) Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. |