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23 Sep 04 - 04:40 AM (#1278957) Subject: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Georgiansilver Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Well we had the thread "Jokes about nagging wives". What do we men do that is worthy of a joke?. Best wishes. |
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23 Sep 04 - 04:53 AM (#1278961) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Dave Hanson Everything, women have many faults, men have only two, everything we say and everything we do. eric |
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23 Sep 04 - 04:55 AM (#1278962) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: George Papavgeris I make all the important decisions in our household. Vanessa only decides what we eat, what clothes we wear, where we go on holiday, what friends we have, what house we live in and how we decorate it. But the truly important ones are all mine: What is the family's position on the subjects of world economy, the Iraq situation, who holds the remote control etc. |
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23 Sep 04 - 09:22 AM (#1279071) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: GUEST,Mingulay Wow, George possession of the remote control is power beyond the wildest imaginings. It must be a Greek thing, the electronic equivalent of bolts of lightning from Zeus high on Olympus (the settee). Like yourself, George, I too have the body of Greek god mine being that of Zimmus, the God of assisted shuffling. I dread to think where you got yours from. |
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23 Sep 04 - 09:26 AM (#1279074) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Paco Rabanne "Women should be seen and not heard" |
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23 Sep 04 - 09:29 AM (#1279080) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: freda underhill A man went into a pub and ordered a beer. After chatting with the woman behind the bar, he said, "where's your husband?" .. "I killed him", she said. The guy looked at her, and said "I don't believe you". "Alright then, she said, come on out the back, I'll show you, that's where I buried him." So the man followed the woman through the pub and out the back. He looked, and beside the flower bed was a big pile of freshly packed earth with a bum sticking out. "Why did you bury him like that" said the man. "I needed somewhere to keep my bicycle", she said. |
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23 Sep 04 - 11:34 AM (#1279162) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: open mike Oh, not "A" bum, but, "HIS" bum....was he a bum? |
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23 Sep 04 - 12:15 PM (#1279184) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: jonm In the UK, a bum is generally the gluteus maximus, more maximus in some than others, while a dishevelled vagrant is usually a tramp. As in, the young lady who went for a tramp in the woods..... .... but he got away. |
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23 Sep 04 - 12:24 PM (#1279192) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Georgiansilver Confucius say "Man who take woman up hill to woods, him not on level" |
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23 Sep 04 - 01:12 PM (#1279219) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: GUEST,heric It's really not polite to say "bum" anymore. Preferable appellation would be "homeless person," or, if you choose to be on the vanguard: "Outdoorsman." |
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23 Sep 04 - 01:21 PM (#1279223) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Cllr In my experience Men always get the last words in a conversation with their girlfriends or wives and those words are "Yes dear" |
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23 Sep 04 - 01:46 PM (#1279243) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: PoppaGator Why do men fart more than women? No woman ever kept her mouth shut long enough for the pressure to build up. |
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24 Sep 04 - 11:58 AM (#1280053) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Sooz Is that a challenge? (Not the mouth shut bit.........) |
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24 Sep 04 - 02:13 PM (#1280171) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Mrrzy I suppose any "ethnic" joke can be a "husband" joke, as in, how many husbands does it take to tile a floor? Depends how thin you slice'm... |
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24 Sep 04 - 04:03 PM (#1280265) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: GUEST,Larry K A man dies and goes to heaven. There are two lines to get in. One says henpecked husbands and it is miles long. The other says non henpecked husbands and only has one person it it. He is confused as to which line to wait in. Therefore, he goes to the one person in the non henpecked line and asks him- "how come the other line is so long. Why did you go to this line"? He says "my wife told me to wait in this line" |
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24 Sep 04 - 05:40 PM (#1280333) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Bill D THE CONCERNED HUSBAND "Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door. "Yes," replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her." "Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital," the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove." "Never mind," said the husband. "It can wait. We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off? It's interfering with the TV." |
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24 Sep 04 - 05:42 PM (#1280334) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Bill D Husband Jokes (search engines are wonderful devices!) My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. *** A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you." *** "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. |
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24 Sep 04 - 07:36 PM (#1280400) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Georgiansilver She said "Darling, I want you to make the earth move under me tonight" He replied "Where the heck will I get a JCB at this time of the night" |
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24 Sep 04 - 07:51 PM (#1280417) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: open mike what's a JCB? some sort of earth mover? like a bull dozer? or caterpillar tractor? |
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25 Sep 04 - 03:25 AM (#1280589) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Georgiansilver Yes earth moving machine. with a digger on an arm |
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25 Sep 04 - 04:47 AM (#1280603) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: MudGuard Help please, my English is not sufficient for this: We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits HMO? Is it something to do with health insurance? a tube of KY jelly What kind of stuff is it? What is it used for if it is not put on door knobs? |
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25 Sep 04 - 04:50 AM (#1280608) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Georgiansilver KY jelly to facilitate entry and lubrication whilst having intercourse |
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25 Sep 04 - 07:07 AM (#1280645) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: MudGuard Thanks Georgiansilver (I don't think we have the product under this name here in Germany). |
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25 Sep 04 - 07:22 AM (#1280647) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Chris Green An Italian, a Frenchman and a Brummie are discussing marital relations. The Italian boasts "When I make love to my wife she rises an inch of the bed in ecstasy." The Frenchman says "That's nothing - when I make love to my wife she rises a foot off the bed. " The Brummie says "When I make love to my wife, I wipe my willy on the curtains and she hits the roof!" |
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25 Sep 04 - 10:59 AM (#1280729) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Georgiansilver So on their honeymoon night he took off his trousers, threw them to her and said "Put those on"!!!! She said "I can't wear those"!!!!! He said "You just remember that" She then removed her panties(without squirrels in I must add) and threw them to him saying "Now you put those on"!!!! He said "I can't get into them"!! and she said "AND YOU REMEMBER THAT"!!!!!!! Best wishes. |
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25 Sep 04 - 11:05 AM (#1280734) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Nigel Parsons GS, I remember it as So on their honeymoon night he took off his trousers, threw them to her and said "Put those on"!!!! She said "I can't wear those"!!!!! He said "You just remember that, in this house I wear the trousers" She then removed her panties and threw them to him saying "Now you put those on"!!!! He said "I can't get into them"!! and she said "and you're not going to with that attitude!" |
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26 Sep 04 - 06:53 AM (#1281301) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Dead Horse This fella thinks his wife is going deaf, and just to be sure, he shouts to his wife (who is in the kitchen, of course) "What we having for supper, hon?" No answer. So he goes up to the kitchen door and shouts "What we having for supper, hon?" No reply. So he finally steps right up behind her as she is preparing stuff at the sink. He shouts "What we having for supper?" She turns round & says "For the third time of tellin', we is havin' leftovers. Is you deaf?" |
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26 Sep 04 - 11:07 PM (#1281923) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: leeneia "If a husband speaks in the forest and there is no one to hear, is he still wrong?" BTW - if a joke is clever, but it's cruel or sickening, is it still a joke? |
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27 Sep 04 - 04:42 PM (#1282523) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Cool Beans HMO stands for Health Maintenance Organization and, yes, it is a type of health insurance. |
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27 Sep 04 - 06:09 PM (#1282585) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: GUEST,JTT Well, there's the old, old one about the three elderly ladies out in the field digging up some vegetables. One of them pulls up a carrot and looks at it nostalgically. "Reminds me of my old man." The other two stare. One says: "Is it the size of it?" "Noooo." The other: "Is it the colour of it, the rosy red of it?" "Nooooo." "Is it the shape of it, with all the knobbles and bobbles and twists and turns of it, and the green mossy stuff hanging off the end of it?" "Nooooooo." "Well, what is it, then, a chailín?" "It's the *dirt* of it." |
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27 Sep 04 - 09:58 PM (#1282739) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Cluin Q: Why don't single women fart? A: They don't have an asshole yet. |
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27 Sep 04 - 10:59 PM (#1282770) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Bert No Leenia, defintely not. I've been wanting to post on the Paralymics thread and say that they should call it the 'Limp'-ics. But it would be really sick to say a thing like that, and not funny at all. |
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27 Sep 04 - 11:16 PM (#1282778) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Cluin Besides, Ogympics would be a better pun. But it's still not funny. |
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28 Sep 04 - 07:56 AM (#1283044) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Mr Red Georgiansilver - re KY jelly. I think doctors would blanch at the description of digital manipulation (looking for the prostate with a finger) as........... intercourse. Even if the patients is smiling. And the rubber things on their digits are gloves. FWIW these days 75% (maybe higher) of men die with prostate cancer - though most die of something else before it is life threatening. Frank Zapper was an exception. |
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28 Sep 04 - 08:04 AM (#1283053) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: GUEST,noddy i thought this would be a VERY short thread. |
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28 Sep 04 - 08:14 AM (#1283069) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: MBSLynne I call my husband "Treasure" because everyone keeps asking me "Where did you dig THAT up?" When I introduce my husband to people, I say "This is my first husband". I like to keep him on his toes! Love Lynne |
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28 Sep 04 - 12:52 PM (#1283277) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Georgiansilver I also used to have a girlfriend I called "Treasure" but for me it was because she had a sunken chest! Best wishes. |
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29 Sep 04 - 02:54 AM (#1283760) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: C-flat Funny, I used to call my girlfriend "treasure" too GS! Now we're married I call her "treasurer"!! C-flat. |
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30 Sep 04 - 12:12 AM (#1284617) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: Peace Ah, Treasure Islands. |
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30 Sep 04 - 09:01 PM (#1285447) Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands From: freda underhill A Fairy told a married couple: for being such an exemplary married couple for 25 years, "I will give you each a wish" I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well. This moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me" The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. Men might be bastards... but Fairies are Female! |