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02 Apr 05 - 10:12 PM (#1450571) Subject: Lyr Add: My Lyrics From: GUEST,Simons hi, just some lyrics I wrote after reading a story. wondered if anyone had any opinions or suggestions? good or bad. its in order with with the refrain. thank you for reading -------------- Johnny landed in 'Nam in December With a pack in his hand, and a gun Holding up Johnson's letter As he stood under the burning sun He was assigned to the first cavalry Of the Third Battalion, Vietnam And as 1968 rang in He weeped as he wrote to his ma' -------------- Take me from the battlefield Take me from the grave Take me from the destruction Back to the U.S.A -------------- For five long weeks Johnny stood As a munitions guard of the night When out nowhere came a blast With a flash that burned his sight And the first cavalry we're put into action Their destination was Hue (pronounced Hway) They flew the flag of war, and Johnny held the pole all the way -------------- Take me from the battlefield Take me from the grave Take me from the destruction Back to the U.S.A -------------- In Hue he saw a thousand dead And he shot a eleven more By evening he'd held the river And by night he lay dead on the floor -------------- Take me from the battlefield Take me from the grave Take me from the destruction Back to the U.S.A -------------- For he'd woke in the dead of night And lit up' a Marloboro Red When the smoke caught the sniper's eye A bullet caught him right in the head -------------- Take me from the battlefield Take me from the grave Take me from the destruction Back to the U.S.A -------------- A flag crossed for Johnny's sacrifice A symbol of his life Nixon made another speech And Johnson said his goodbyes Flares in an a tattered envelope And box of Marlboro Red We're all that came home that day With the last letter that Johnny had sent -------------- Take me from the battlefield Take me from the grave Take me from the destruction Back to the U.S.A |
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03 Apr 05 - 03:56 PM (#1451041) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Lyrics From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca Wow!! It's a powerful song, Simons. Aside from some minor typos, I don't see that there's any need to comment on my part. Someone who went through Vietnam in those days might be better able to render an opinion. Do you have a tune in mind for this song? Too bad you didn't put the title in the Subject instead of "My Lyrics". I'm sure "Take Me From the Battlefield" would have piqued others to view and comment.
Thread title changed for more effective viewing - joeclone |
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04 Apr 05 - 11:57 AM (#1451751) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Lyrics From: GUEST,Brian I agree it is a powerful song. Please submit a melody to MMario or Pene Azul. I am most impressed how you individualize Johnny's experience, which make the tragedy more real. The Legacy of cigarettes, flares, (every vet I've spoken with hates fireworks) and the flag are vivid images. My only criticism is the chorus. I am not a fan of choruses as they only encourage drunks to sing along. The verses stand very well by themselves. Brian |
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04 Apr 05 - 01:25 PM (#1451843) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: GUEST,Brian If you made every other verse into one, say: Johnny landed in 'Nam in December with a pack in his hand, and a gun Holding up Johnson's letter as he stood under the burning suna He was assigned to the first cavalry of the Third Battalion, Vietnam And as 1968 rang in he weeped as he wrote to his ma' -------------- you would have a perfect come all ye format (in fact COME ALL YE TRAMPS AND HAWKERS would work well for this). You could put it to any number of traditional melodies. Brian |
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04 Apr 05 - 02:09 PM (#1451880) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: GUEST,Brian I apologise. I should not offer suggestions on how to write a song. I don't know your experiences. We may have different ideas about how to write a song that are neither right nor wrong. THis thread is inspiring me to write about my great uncle whose experiences wee much like Johnny's, although he lived to come back to America before Saigon fell. Brian |
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04 Apr 05 - 02:13 PM (#1451882) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: GUEST,MMario Brian, Simons *asked** for comments or suggestions - and your comments were constructive. I don't think you have cause for apologies |
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04 Apr 05 - 02:44 PM (#1451905) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: GUEST Well, at least let me run my comments through Spellchecker. I apologize. I should not offer suggestions on how to write a song. I don't know your experiences. We may have different ideas about how to write a song that are neither right nor wrong. This thread is inspiring me to write about my great uncle whose experiences were much like Johnny's, although he lived to come back to America before Saigon fell. Brian |
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07 Apr 05 - 07:51 AM (#1454276) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: GUEST,Simons Hi guys, sorry its been so long with the reply. Last time I checked, there were no reply's. Thanks so much for the comments and suggestions, don't apologise it's exactly what I wanted. I've written a basic tune to it and I'm gonna get around to recording it soon, I will put an mp3 up. You picked up on the chorus, yeah it's not great, it's only filler so it's scrapped. The names has to be changed too. I originally had his writing to his mother in the chorus, I may do without one as suggested. Inspired by the writings of Eric Bogle. Thanks again, gentlemen. Really appreciated. |
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07 Apr 05 - 07:58 AM (#1454279) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: GUEST,Simons Hey thanks for changing the title for me, just noticed. This is how it stands now.. I'm an Irish lad by the way, so if anyone has any corrections, please say. I've read up on it as much as I could, but it still may be innacurate. --------- Johnny landed in Saigon in December With a pack in his hand, and a gun Holding up Johnson's letter As he stood under the burning sun He was assigned to the first cavalry Of the Third Battalion, Vietnam And as 1968 rang in He weeped as he wrote to his ma' So for five long weeks Johnny stood As a munitions guard of the night When out nowhere came a blast With a flash that burned his sight And the first cavalry we're put into action Their destination was Hue (pronounced Hway) They hung out the flag of war, and Johnny held the pole all the way In Hue he saw a thousand dead And he shot a eleven more By evening he'd held the river And by night he lay dead on the floor For he'd woke in the middle of the night And lit up' a Marlboro Red When the smoke caught the sniper's eye A bullet caught him right in the head A flag crossed for Johnny's sacrifice A symbol of his life Nixon made another speech And Johnson said his goodbyes Flares in an a tattered envelope And box of Marlboro Red We're all that came home that day With the last letter that Johnny had sent Sorry about the double post! |
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07 Apr 05 - 01:50 PM (#1454584) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: Brían That's great Simons! Would you mind if I perform it to a different tune? The only change I might suggest is Americans tend to say mom, rather than ma (although there are regional differences). Brían |
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07 Apr 05 - 08:40 PM (#1454956) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: GUEST Feel free Brían, I'd be honoured if you did. You have an arrangement in my mind? I'm guessing you're Irish too, maybe not.. The "ma" was really supposed to be "maw", you know in the Texan accent. Rather than a dubliners "ma". That's possibly an American stereotype, like top of the mornin' to ye and all that lark, I'm not sure. I just don't know mom fits? what you's think? I'm a bit of a perfectionist with words, not that mine are perfect of course. Thanks for the help, you're a gentleman!! |
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07 Apr 05 - 09:47 PM (#1454993) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: Brían I am an American in the North. You are correct about Ma being a more Texan expression. I have talked to many Irish people. they usually say Dia dhuit ar maidin a Bhríain, cén chaoi a' bhfuil tú or some such nonsense to me. I thought that the air Luke Kelley sang COME ALL YE TRAMPS AND HAWKERS would be a nice air to that song. I have been trying to write a song myself about my Great Uncle who lived near Saigon until just before it fell. He was a great character and all thee kids in the neighborhood loved him because he had so many stories. Unfortunately, I need to throw a lot lines back in the water to swim around for a while until I let them come up for air. Beidh mé ag caint leat aríst, Brían |
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07 Apr 05 - 10:55 PM (#1455034) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: GUEST,Simons. Oh really... Sorry for assuming. I've been listening to Luke Kelly's 'Come All You Tramps and Hawkers' since you mentioned it earlier and I think you may be onto something there. Beautiful melody. Writing a song can be incredibly difficult I know, especially when it's something personal or about someone you know. When inspiration comes it seems to flow and it all comes together. My advice would be don't try to force it. The best songs are written and then re-written. I'm only 20 but I've been writing songs for 3/4 years, or attempting to. You will improve with time, like everything. Sláinte agus chugat. Cheers. Hope I've covered everything, I'm slightly drunk sorry. :-( |
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07 Apr 05 - 10:57 PM (#1455036) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: GUEST,Simons If anybody feels like checking out some other lyrics I wrote, they are down the way "When The Wall Came Falling Down". Shameless plug, thanks guys. |
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08 Apr 05 - 03:04 AM (#1455102) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield From: Wilfried Schaum As a munitions guard of the night May I propose As an ammo guard of the night I never heard American soldiers talk of munitions, only of ammo [short for ammunition]. And it flows better to the metrics. Wonderful song, congratulations. Wilfried |
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08 Apr 05 - 12:41 PM (#1455483) Subject: Lyr Add: TAKE ME FROM THE BATTLEFIELD From: GUEST,Simons Thanks very much for your help and the suggestion Wilfried. As it stands now.. Johnny landed in Saigon in December With a pack in his hand, and a gun Holding up Johnson's letter As he stood under the burning sun He was assigned to the first cavalry Of the Third Battalion, Vietnam And as 1968 rang in He weeped as he wrote to his maw'(mom possibly?) And for five long weeks Johnny stood As ammunition guard of the night (ammo guard, maybe?) When out nowhere came a blast With a flash that burned his sight And the first cavalry we're put into action Their destination was Hue They hung out the flag of war, and Johnny held the pole all the way In Hue he saw a thousand dead And he shot a eleven more By evening he'd held the river And by night he lay dead on the floor He'd woke in the middle of night And lit up' a Marlboro Red When the smoke caught the sniper's eye A bullet caught him right in the head They crossed the flag for Johnny's sacrifice A symbol of his life While Nixon made another speech And Johnson said his goodbyes Flares in an a tattered envelope And box of Marlboro Red We're all that came home that day With the last letter that Johnny had sent Thanks for all your help. If anybody has anymore corrections or comments I'd really appreciate it. |
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10 Apr 05 - 09:27 AM (#1457037) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take Me from the Battlefield From: Brían Your song looks great to me as it stands. I think I finally finished my song about my great uncle, John. I need to let it simmer for a while, but I think it's done. I want thank you, Simons for getting me up off( or down on) mo thóin and finishing it. Brían |
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10 Apr 05 - 04:03 PM (#1457383) Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take Me from the Battlefield From: GUEST,Simons Tá fáilte romhat. |