|
25 Apr 05 - 10:44 PM (#1470748) Subject: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu The good people at TWEEDSBURG have interesting thoughts regarding accordions. Here I will share a few of them , but I highlty suggest that you look HERE for the full effect!! The following was posted by TC Rocker USA. It should whet your appetite!! A guitar player goes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the guitar player to leave behind his brain for a week for more detailed examinations in his lab. After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?" The guitarist says, "Well, I think you can keep it, I finally switched to accordion..." A man gives his son an accordion for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four accordion lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the keyboard." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five chord buttons." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!" If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares? What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What's a bassoon good for? Kindling for an accordion fire. What's a accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map. What's the difference between a puppy and an accordion player? Eventually the puppy stops whining. Know how to make a million dollars playing accordion? Start with two million What do you have when a group of accordion players are up to their necks in wet concrete? Not enough concrete. Q: How can you tell the difference between all the accordion songs? A: By their names. Did you hear about the planeload of accordion players en route to the Appalachian Festival? The good news: it crashed. The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. What's the difference between an accordion player and Dr Scholl's footpads? Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet. Q. Why are accordion players fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm an accordion player." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!" "The accordion is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two." What's the difference between an accordion and a chain saw? The exhaust. Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through accordions. What's the difference between accordion players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. This guy walks into an antique store and notices a brass rat sitting on one of the top shelves. He asks the clerk, "How much for that brass rat?". The clerk says "Well sir, it's 25 bucks just for the rat, and 50 bucks if you want to hear the story that goes with it. Take my word, you'll want to *hear* the story." The guy says "No, I believe I'll just take the rat for 25 bucks." So, this fella takes his brass rat and heads down the street. Right away he notices that a *real* rat is following him, so he makes a quick turn down the next street. He passes an alley, at which point about a half-dozen rats come out and start following him. This guy is getting pretty panicked at this point, so he starts heading out toward the outskirts of town. When he passes the town dump, *hundreds* of rats stream out and follow him. Our hero is beside himself at this point, so as he passes the river that winds around town, he tosses the brass rat right in the drink. Every last one of the real rats follows the brass rat into the river and drowns. Relieved, our protagonist heads back to the antique store where he got the brass rat. "I knew it!", says the clerk, "You're back to hear the story about the rat, aren't you?". "No sir", says the guy, "I just wanted to find out how much you're asking for that brass accordion I see you've got up there." What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. What is the diffference between a dead accordion player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a accordionists car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. What do accordion players use for birth control? Their personalities. How do you tell if an accordion player is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched. What's the difference between a road-killed skunk and a road-killed accordion player? - The skid marks in front of the skunk. How do you put a sparkle in an accordion players eye? Shine a flashlight in his ear. What do you say to an accordion player in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?" There's nothing I like better than the sound of an accordion, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner. It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ~ Ted ~ TC Rocker USA ~ Old's Cool ~ khandu |
|
25 Apr 05 - 10:46 PM (#1470752) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu OKAY!! I flubbed the second link... HERE |
|
25 Apr 05 - 10:50 PM (#1470760) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC So how are those accordion lessons coming along, khandu? Had your first gig yet? |
|
25 Apr 05 - 10:54 PM (#1470765) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu Ah, Dear Carol...due to peer pressure, ear pressure, a losing of weight & a losing of self-respect, I had to give up all ties to the accordion! k |
|
25 Apr 05 - 10:57 PM (#1470768) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC Well, that's too bad, khandu. So I guess that leaves you a lot more time now for the championship ballroom dancing. Good luck with that. |
|
25 Apr 05 - 10:58 PM (#1470771) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu And the Blueslady chimed in with a few insightful jewels of wisdom: This guy plays a New Years Eve gig and afterward the club owner says "Great job, can you play again next year?" The accordionist replies, "Sure, can I leave my instrument here until then?" The difference between an onion and accordion? People cry when they chop up onions. What did people say when the ship loaded with accordions sank in the ocean? Well, it's a start. What's the difference between an accordion and a cat? Only the cost, they both make the same kinds of sounds when you squeeze them. The song most requested of accordionists? Can you play Far, Far Away. How do you make two accordionists play in time? Shoot one of them. What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline. What do a true music lover and an accordionist have in common? Absolutely nothing. |
|
25 Apr 05 - 11:08 PM (#1470778) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Bobert khanny, khanny, khanny.... Give up.... I did and am much happier for it... If the Tweezer want to stay up all night long squeezin' his squeeze box then let him... Poor boy ain't got nuthin' else to squeeze... Now that.... is the blues... Bobert |
|
25 Apr 05 - 11:41 PM (#1470812) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu Aye gannies, Bobert...that is the perfect definition of the blues...nuthin' else to squeeze but an accordion! Poor guy...(sniff)...How the Mighty has fallen... Still...there are some fine words of wisdom over there!! k (didshesaysomethingaboutballroomdancing??) |
|
26 Apr 05 - 12:26 AM (#1470837) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Rustic Rebel I feel. I feel for ya= I feel but I've been run over before and my nervous systo=em is feeling run over zLike as if a dream syst=tem occured a day or two ago.... |
|
26 Apr 05 - 01:24 AM (#1470864) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu Yaz Rustic! Life is good!! |
|
26 Apr 05 - 01:28 AM (#1470867) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Rustic Rebel Hey king , How iz ya feelin' on this fine morn? |
|
26 Apr 05 - 03:06 AM (#1470906) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Dave Hanson From the ' Devils Dictionary ' Harmony - accord Accordion - an instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. eric |
|
26 Apr 05 - 04:25 AM (#1470937) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Bee-dubya-ell I find it disgusting that people would treat our poor friend Tweed's condition so lightly as to resort to accordion jokes! The poor boy obviously needs real help. After all, this is his second accordion! The disease is getting worse! Time for an intervention is at hand! We must take guitars in hand and hie forthwith to the dreaded land of Southern Florida where we will attempt to cure Tweed out of his accordionosis by forcing him to play guitar before he starts to look like this. |
|
26 Apr 05 - 07:33 AM (#1471065) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Bobert When did the Tweezer start wearin' glasses, beezer? |
|
26 Apr 05 - 08:02 AM (#1471084) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Peter T. I would have thought the sign of lack of intelligence was to immediately resort to these dreary accordion jokes. It is so tired. Do you have any worthy contributions to make to the subject of the accordion? The same is true of the banjo. We have endless threads about banjo jokes, as if no one had ever made jokes about the banjo before; as if the person submitting them was the first person to have landed on planet earth and discovered kneeslappers about the banjo. yours, Peter T. |
|
26 Apr 05 - 09:09 AM (#1471143) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Amos Y'know, Peter has a point. I have been thrilled and awed by well-played accordions. Not mention their players. The first busker I ever recall hearing was filling the tunnels of a metro station in Paris with the sweet sounds of accordion music, the kind only the French seem to be able to make. It was haunting. A |
|
26 Apr 05 - 11:42 AM (#1471268) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC Or, he could end up looking like this |
|
26 Apr 05 - 12:42 PM (#1471340) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu To demonstrate the effectiveness of the rebuke from Peter T...more of the same: From the Blueslady at Tweedsblues: HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO ACCORDION A Primer for Beginners Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same. Do not tell anyone what you have done - it will only cause them to worry. They will find out soon enough. Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference. For sounds to be produced, three things must happen: The bellows must be moving in or out. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and secured. The third is the most important The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. (This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordionists suffered painful and sometimes disabeling injuries - much to the delight of the general public). Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but they are acutally just desperately trying to find the damned "C". "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it. Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. (That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.) Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your acordion up with thousands and thousands of dollars and mail it far away for a long, long time. Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first. Put the accordion back in its case. Order an accordion tee-shirt and wear it to the Mall. ********************************************************** A man parks his car in a rough part of town with two accordions on the back seat, forgetting to lock the back door. When he returns, there are three accordions. khandu |
|
26 Apr 05 - 12:52 PM (#1471346) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Davetnova Oh, revenge is sweet. I have persuaded my daughter, who lives with my ex-wife, to take up the accorion. We await the ebay purchase with gleeful anticipation. |
|
26 Apr 05 - 01:11 PM (#1471367) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu You vicious being! This goes beyond revenge...this is cruelty!! k |
|
26 Apr 05 - 02:10 PM (#1471447) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Davetnova I heard that if you play an accordion backwards it says "Kill me" over and over again |
|
26 Apr 05 - 02:11 PM (#1471449) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Davetnova Or it might be "Hang me". |
|
26 Apr 05 - 02:18 PM (#1471455) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu Play it forwards & people will say "Kill him". |
|
26 Apr 05 - 02:38 PM (#1471485) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Peter T. Yes sir, real knee slappers. "Have you lived here all your life?" "Not yet!" "Didn't the barn dance to see the horse fly!" Yuck, yuck. yours, Peter T. |
|
26 Apr 05 - 02:39 PM (#1471487) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC On the other hand, you could take up balloom dancing and end up looking like khandu... |
|
26 Apr 05 - 05:56 PM (#1471727) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu Yes sir, real knee slappers!!! Yaz, I am proud of my "balloom" dancing abilities. Uh, that's me on the right. Oh! More??? Okay!! From the Blueslady again: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina? - The accordion takes longer to burn. How do you protect a valuable instrument? - Hide it in an accordion case. What's the definition of perfect pitch? - When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides. Why do Accordionists make good politicians? They are used to playing both ends off against the middle. What does a long court hearing and a bad accordionist have in common? There is always a huge sigh of relief when the case is closed. How can you spot a bad accordionist? The lead singer can tell he is playing wrong notes. How many accordions can you fit in a telephone box? 101 if you chop them fine enough. What's the difference between a piano accordian and a cajun accordian? The cajun accordian burns a little faster. What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A chainsaw can be tuned. k |
|
26 Apr 05 - 06:07 PM (#1471744) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Bee-dubya-ell For what it'worth, I find Peter T.'s use of "lack of intelligence" to be in far worse taste than the jokes about which he's complaining. It amounts to calling my friends over at Tweedsblues stupid and I don't believe Peter knows them well enough to call them anything. |
|
26 Apr 05 - 06:21 PM (#1471757) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu Yaz! k |
|
26 Apr 05 - 06:46 PM (#1471776) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Bobert Yeah, we ain't xactly stupid in Tweedsburg... Silly, ahhhh, yeah... But we sho nuff have a lot of fun... after the occasional Mayor Tweezer hisseff accordian mini-concerts which, unfortunately, are manditory... (Yeah, Diebold was brought in to count the votes in the last election...) Bobert |
|
26 Apr 05 - 07:49 PM (#1471830) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC There seem to be plenty of people who don't know much, if anything, about accordions, but that doesn't stop them from ridiculing them. |
|
26 Apr 05 - 07:51 PM (#1471833) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC ...and it doesn't stop them from ridiculing accordion players, either. I have to agree with Peter T in that for those of us who do play accordion, it does tend to get OLD after a while. |
|
26 Apr 05 - 08:10 PM (#1471846) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu If anyone bothered to read the full thread that I linked to at Tweed's, you would see Tweed's response: Lord, she habv unleashed every accordeen joke known to man and I am bruised and battered but not yet chicken-fried. Course I suppose they could be applied to bass players and banjo pickers too, but mebbe not so universally downtrodden and despised as the lowly accordeenista. I figger I will make a new perfectly awful bad recording and cause it to be played ever time the Tweedboard is clicked into. Throngs obv people will come just to hear it's beautimous refrains and lilting melodies. Tweed's Accordeen Blues will be featured on CNN az the mos' scocious danged Sh*thole obv a Blues Site ever to hurtle through the internet. The counter out front will probably spin itself off the page!!! Severe "lack of intelligence" mabye, but a damned good sport & great guy! k |
|
26 Apr 05 - 08:24 PM (#1471857) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC Yes, he is a good sport. And a bit of good natured ribbing is sometimes fun here in the Mudcat, too. But here, we have the advantage of knowing something about the people who are posting those things... like you, khandu... I sometimes enjoy a exchanging a little bit of devilishness with you on this subject. But we don't have any context for The Blues Lady except for this torrent of very old and worn out jokes that we've all heard a million times before. Under the circumstances, I can understand why Peter reacted the way he did. I can understand how things look from your point of view. Please try to understand how they look from our point of view, too. |
|
26 Apr 05 - 08:26 PM (#1471861) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu Carol...you are a sweetie! ken |
|
26 Apr 05 - 08:33 PM (#1471869) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC Thanks khandu! |
|
26 Apr 05 - 08:37 PM (#1471871) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC (BTW, you look great in that shiny, navy blue jumpsuit in that balloom dance picture) |
|
26 Apr 05 - 08:41 PM (#1471874) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu I did cut quite a figure, didn't I? k |
|
26 Apr 05 - 09:23 PM (#1471903) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: Bee-dubya-ell Carol... Not only are you a sweetie, but it will be an honor to accompany your accordion playing upon the glorious day that we actually get to sit down and play some music together. I think. |
|
26 Apr 05 - 09:38 PM (#1471915) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: CarolC Wow! Thanks, Bee-dubya-ell. I think. ;-) Bee-dubya-ell is a closet accordion player |
|
26 Apr 05 - 09:40 PM (#1471916) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu HAW!!! She fell for it!!! I think. |
|
27 Apr 05 - 02:56 AM (#1472022) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: The Shambles For another current B/S thread about accordions. Klingons play accodions Is is now generally accepted on the Mudcat that accordions are NOT music-related? |
|
27 Apr 05 - 07:32 AM (#1472184) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: The Fooles Troupe Naughty Shambles! |
|
27 Apr 05 - 11:16 AM (#1472390) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu Okay, Peter T...another opportunity is on the board!! k |
|
28 Apr 05 - 12:59 AM (#1472934) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: GUEST,Tweed HAW!! Here is whar I find khandu, trashing the noblest and mysterieez obv instrumnets!!! AND arring the dirty underware obv a few ob the more uncultured peoples at tweedland, them who persliss uplon ridiculing thet az they admire but cannot habv nor flattum!!! Yaz, the accordeen is a much despised insterment, but onus because it is so different than any other poplomar musiks, and tharfore iz summat frightening to people obv low foreheads and compact brainpans or is it???? Take the much loved and celebramus bagpipes!! Iz an accordeen all that remote from an air filled haggis bag perfumated wif skinflutes obv varimous keys??? Or a claretnet? Bof habv reeds wif arr blowing accurst them nez pierce? I habv said before or not, but nebverminded. My particullar accordeen is a mos' beautimous 26key Hohner done in red mother-obv-toiletseat and and sounds real good so long az I do not unlock the bellows. When I habv got something that sounds like a song I will make an mp3 and no doubt be included in the next Mudcat CD series obv lullabies for the hard obv hearing, then then we will see how very hominous all these so-called jokes and barbies iz!! Aslo, khandu habv neglected to tell you all thet this accordeen wabz discovered at a yard sale in Mississippi!!! Coincidence? I think not at all!! I suspect thet it probably belonged to him at one point and he is trying to cause me so much distress thet I will give it to him and he will be reunited wif it. I am sartin thet this must be his rational az he iz at times summat irrationale az we all are well aware. Afterall, it was khandu who started MOAB and there is no other more irrational thread anywhar on the internet that I can find! I rest my case, which is the original hardshell variety with original key!! Tweed |
|
28 Apr 05 - 12:27 PM (#1473305) Subject: RE: BS: Tweedsblues Accordion Thoughts From: khandu Yeah, that is probably the accordion I used to save the life of one of our more prominent citizens, Mr. Beecher Meate. He was a rather common ordinary citizen until one fateful September day back in 1969, which brought about the event that has forever put his name in the anus of history. The day my daddy swallowed his tongue. I remember the day well, I was a wee 16 and my Pop (did-du) and I were sauntering confidently down the street. Suddenly, in front of Thrasher's Department Store, did-du fell headlong and started flopping around like a fish drowning in air. His face started turning a red-blue color and he was pointing desperately at his mouth. I thought it was one of did-du's silly jokes but the fellow street saunterers crowded around & started screaming & crying. Dobbin Thrasher, who owned the department store shouted, "Oh my God, he has swallowed his tongue!" Upon hearing this, the uppity Mrs. Dweeb, wife of Mayor Phineas Dweeb, upchucked all over her poodle, causing the poodle to faint. Of course this added to the panic. A puking Dweeb, a fainting poochie & a swallowed tongue were not everyday happenings around here back in the late summer of 69. Grown men were crying like babes, women were beginning to faint hither and yon, one fell on top of did-du, who meanwhile was paying no attention to the trouble he was causing, had turned a deep purple and his eyes looked like golf balls. The fellow who originally shouted, "Oh my God, He's swallowed his tongue!", began to repeatedly repeat himself, each time reaching a higher pitch than before. It was apparent this frenzy was getting out of hand and Mayor Dweeb, who happened upon the scene well after it had begun, became concerned that looters would loot Dobbin Thrasher's department store during the confusion, motioned to Police Chief Hillman Mooreland, who stood across the street. Mooreland, being some what blind, thought the Mayor was flipping him off, drew his pistol & started cussing the Mayor while waving the gun about. Mrs. Dweeb, already near panic at did-du's condition saw the Chief pull his gun. She had been having an affair with Chief Mooreland, & she thought he was going to shoot the Mayor because of his love for her. Rather than see her husband shot, she slung her puke-soaked poodle at the Mayor, hitting him in the head and knocking him out, and he fell in to the street in the path of a pick-up being driven by Homer Pruitt, who routinely took his horse, Fido, for a morning ride in the back of the pick-up. Homer jerked the wheel sharply to the left to avoid hitting the Mayor. The horse surprised by the sudden turn of events & pick-up, leaped out, lost his balance and fell, ass-first upon the Mayor's wife and poodle. It was clear things were only going to get much worse when suddenly, from out of Thraser's Department Store, stepped Beecher Meate. He looked at the awful scene before him and boldly stepped up , shoving the crowd aside, as he pushed his way toward my Dad, did-du, authoritively stating, "Calm down. Step aside. I've it all under control, I'm a sheet rock hanger." *************************************************************************** And some thirty years later, I finally got to repay Beecher Meate for saving my Dad did-du's life, by, using the accordion in the only useful way I have seen to use one of the things, I saved his life. But that's another tale. k |
