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08 Apr 06 - 06:58 AM (#1713063) Subject: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Abby Sale 4/8/1887, In New Orleans at The Charity Hospital of Louisiana a 45-year-old patient was recorded as dying from masturbation. (Per The Grim Reaper's Book of Days, Ed Morrow, Citadel Press, 1992)
ALSO:
Early warning notice: This series of the Happy File noncontinues beginning April 16. Copyright © 2005, Abby Sale - all rights reserved What are Happy's all about? See Clicky |
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08 Apr 06 - 09:06 AM (#1713102) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Dave (the ancient mariner) There once was a fellow named Greene Who invented a wanking machine On the ninety ninth stroke The fucking thing broke And whipped his bollocks to cream |
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08 Apr 06 - 09:09 AM (#1713105) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Brakn noncontinues - is that a word? |
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08 Apr 06 - 09:16 AM (#1713107) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Charley Noble The queen was in parlour, Eating bread and honey. The king was in the parlormaid, And she was in the money. "The Ball of Kirriemuir" Charley Noble |
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08 Apr 06 - 09:57 AM (#1713133) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Gray D ". . . a 45-year-old patient was recorded as dying from masturbation"? I suppose, right at the end, the poor chap didn't know whether he was coming or going. Gray D |
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08 Apr 06 - 10:03 AM (#1713135) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Howard Kaplan A ram with thick legs and strong sinews Who should have been spending time in ewes Found sex toys and poked Once too often, then croaked, And now his old work noncontinues. |
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08 Apr 06 - 11:01 AM (#1713159) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Bill D A clever young fellow named Greene, Invented a fucking machine. Concave or convex, It would fit either sex. And wank itself off in between. |
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08 Apr 06 - 11:43 AM (#1713171) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST Masturbation - don't knock it, it's like having sex with someone you love! |
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08 Apr 06 - 02:41 PM (#1713278) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Raggytash Oh dear ......... always one for a battle ....... a copyright on Happy Files .......... I think not ......... see you in court |
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08 Apr 06 - 03:48 PM (#1713310) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Severn Are you sure he wasn't merely a stroke victim and not a victim of a stroke of bad luck? |
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08 Apr 06 - 03:54 PM (#1713315) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Charley Noble The Choric Song of the Masturbators Tune: "Finiculi Finicula" Last night, I pulled me pud; It did me good, I knew it would. Sling it, Fling it, Throw it on the floor, Smash it, Crash it, Catch it in the door, Some people say that Fuckin's might good, But for personal enjoyment, I'd rather pull me pud! From THE BOOK OF BAWDY BALLADS edited by Count Palmiro Vucaron, circa 1960. Charley Ignoble |
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08 Apr 06 - 04:30 PM (#1713324) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: WFDU - Ron Olesko A guy goes to the eye doctor. The eye doctors tells him that he has to stop masturbating. "Why?" asked the guy, "Am I going blind?" "No" answered the doctor, "but you are disturbing my other patients". |
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08 Apr 06 - 04:34 PM (#1713325) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST Abbey Sale and Charlie Noble: Your verses are not from the Ball of Kirriemuir, they're from adaptations of Johny Lad. |
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08 Apr 06 - 04:39 PM (#1713327) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Don Firth A variation, Bill. A clever young fellow named Greene, Invented a fucking machine. Concave or convex, It would fit either sex. But, boy, what a bugger to clean! Don Firth |
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08 Apr 06 - 04:43 PM (#1713330) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Don Firth Oh, hell! Don't get me started! There was a young fellow from Kent, Whose dick was so long that it bent. To save himself trouble, He stuck it in double, So instead of coming, he went. Don Firth |
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08 Apr 06 - 06:17 PM (#1713373) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Abby Sale As in "Your homeowner's policy will noncontinue as of the next annivrtsary." |
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08 Apr 06 - 08:55 PM (#1713461) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Joe_F The records of hospitals show that insanity, from solitary indulgence, is common. Tissot, Esquirol, Eberle, and others, give ample testimony on this point. The latter, from a careful examination of the facts, assures us that in Paris the proportion of insane persons whose diseases may be traced to the source in question is _one_ in from _fifty-one_ to _fifty-eight_, in the _lower classes_. In the higher classes it is _one_ in _twenty-three_. -- Anon., _The Young Man's Guide_, 2nd ed., Boston, 1834 --- Joe Fineman joe_f@verizon.net ||: Friendship is a black market in respect. :|| |
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08 Apr 06 - 11:01 PM (#1713525) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: frogprince We have a 1920 copy of "The People Home Medical Book" by T.J.Ritter, M.D.,Assistant to the chair of the theory and practice of medicine of the University of Michigan; He assures us that masturbation will blind ya, cripple ya, rot your brain, you name it; I don't know that he establishes any connection between masturbation and toenail fungus. I knew a fundamentalist 30 years ago in Canada, father of kids from toddler up to high school, who would not allow any publications from the american "Moral Majority" in his home. He had found at least one reference condemning the evil of masturbation in their material. He wasn't angry with them for condemning masturbation; he was angry with them for mentioning masturbation in supposedly Christian literature. |
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09 Apr 06 - 10:11 AM (#1713720) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Bob Coltman Go dig my grave both wide and deep, Put a marble slab on my head and feet, Upon my breast place a turtle dove To show this world I died of love. Now, let's see, how would the song go if it was a ballad about this...? In London City I once did dwell, To pull my pud, I loved full well, I pulled my pud both night and day, Until my hand went far astray. There is a place in yonders town Where I have done it sitting down, I've done it standing, and on my knee, Even though bystanders criticize me. His father he came home from work, Said where is (name withheld), he seems to shirk, He went upstairs, the door he broke, He found the monkey had been choked. He took a knife and (bleep) And on his crotch this note he found, Oh what a silly boy was I To die of strangling my old snake-eye. Go dig my grave both wide and deep, Tie my hands so I can sleep, And on my coffin a snow-what dove, To show this world I died of love. |
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09 Apr 06 - 10:54 AM (#1713743) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Bill D frogprince...I have a leatherbound copy of "Plain Facts" by Dr. Kellog...of the cereal fame. Old "Tie their hands Kellog" as he was known. He advocated spying on kids to be sure they did not indulge in "solitary vice" and various ways to distract, scare or punish them.....and if all methods failed, perhaps tying their hands to the bedpost. For adults, lukewarm Sitz baths...(warmer might 'excite' the problem areas!) oh, it's a treasure of important information! |
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09 Apr 06 - 11:15 AM (#1713759) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Jeri BOB!!! That nearly killed me! I hope you get that copyrighted right away, because it's gonna be a big hit. (Does "(bleep)" mean "can't think of a rhyme right now"?) ..."Tie my hands so I can sleep" ...HA! |
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09 Apr 06 - 11:18 AM (#1713760) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Charley Noble The "Ball of Kirriemuir," "The Gathering of the Clan," and many other names this bawdy song has gone by, there are probably hundreds of verses and variants and to credit any individual for a particular version would be a futile excercise. The version I'm familar with were sung at song parties in Brookhaven, Long Island, in the late 1950's. Here's another limerick to spice up this thread which may be original: There was a young man from Bombay Who sailed to China one day, Of the pox he did worry, So he dabbed on some curry, And for Ship Street his anchor did weigh! Charley Noble |
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09 Apr 06 - 03:00 PM (#1713929) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Art Thieme Bob, Here is a potenmtial last verse for your song!! Alas, alas, he sleeps so sound, Smiling there deep underground, The result of excessive personal rowing, And actually he had it both coming-----and going. Art |
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10 Apr 06 - 06:20 AM (#1714351) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Jim McLean Charley, you'r correct in saying there are a few variants of The Ball of K, Highland Gathering etc., but usually they're comprised of mainly bawdy verses sung in 6/8 time with different choruses .. the one we sang as youths(!) Dance tae yer partner, Arse against the wall, If ye've never been fucked on a Saturday night, Ye've never been fucked atall. ... Extremely rude. The verse you quoted about the Royal family is from Johnny Lad, a more relaxed, 2/4 or 4/4 tempo. The chorus .. And wae you, and wae you, and wae you , my Johnny Lad, Ah'd dance the buckles aff my shin wae you my Johnny lad. This song is not really vulgar as it was a Glasgow kids' street song. Verses about the Royal family crept in around the late fifties: The Queen was in the parlour, Eatin' bread and honey; The Duke was in the countin' house, Fiddlin' Scotland's money! |
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10 Apr 06 - 08:47 AM (#1714430) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Charley Noble Jim- The version (The Ball of K, Highland Gathering etc.) that was recorded in the late 1950's in Bellport, Long Island, was led by Dennis Puleston who was originally from England and knew a wealth of bawdy and other music hall ditties. His chorus sounds something like this, some words being hard to distinguish from the ruckus party noise: Chorus: Wha' dae ye last nicht, Wha' do ye noo? The mon wha dae ye last nicht Canna do ye noo. The chorus suggests that variety may add spice to life. I'm just getting around to attempting to edit these old tapes, which I picked up copies of last year. We used to have homemade records based on these tapes that we received for Christmas but they are pretty much worn out - state of the art from 1960! Cheerily, Charley Noble |
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10 Apr 06 - 11:44 AM (#1714546) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Jim McLean Yes Charlie, the chorus you quote is the 'clean' one and usually pronounced,sung, in an East coast (Aberdonian) accent and goes like this: Fall dae it this time, Fall dae it noo, The yin (wan,ane) that did it the last time Canna dae it noo. 'Fall' meaning 'who will' |
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10 Apr 06 - 01:37 PM (#1714638) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Charley Noble Jim- Thanks for decoding the chorus. It wasn't easy to pick out from the old recording, but it's rare that you get a recording of what the party sounded like when such a song was sung. Charley Noble |
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10 Apr 06 - 04:57 PM (#1714779) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,RIchard Bridge This may however be viewed as a reminder that many aspects of prohibition in the name of "morality" are matters of fashion. |
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10 Apr 06 - 08:51 PM (#1714848) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,JohnB "I'm a Wanker, I'm a Wanker and it does me good like it Bloody well should I'm a Wanker, I'm a Wanker and I'm always pulling my Pud" A gem from Ivor Biggun and the Red Nosed Burglers. He also does one about being the World's Greatest Wanker One bit goes soemthing like. "I am the World's Greatest Wanker, I'm known throughout the Land. Everyone want's to meet me BUT nobody want's to shake my hand." JohnB |
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11 Apr 06 - 10:03 AM (#1715142) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Abby Sale Jim - a minor elucidation-- No difference to the meaning of it but shouldn't 'fall' be written "fa'll?" Proper grammer & all that. Reminds me of this: To: Subject: [scots-l] Aberdonian Speech From: "Ian Adkins" Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 14:28:40 -0500 Thare wis an English insurance adjustor up frae Londontoun, cam tae Neu Aiberdein tae settle a claim. In their intercourse th claimant, a rough wirkin-class Aberdonian, spiers th adjustor, "Fa dee dee dee o?" Th adjustor, no unnerstaunin at aw, spiert o th man's lawyer a translation. Chalkin it up tae a lack o education innat, th lawyer replied, "Whit he meant wis, O fa dee dee dee?" |
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12 Apr 06 - 05:40 AM (#1715969) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Bob Coltman um, Jeri... (bleep) is I don't wanna think about what he did with that knife. Bob |
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12 Apr 06 - 07:02 AM (#1716008) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Bob Coltman Facing the matter squarely... (by the way, I don't like my title for this, anybody got any suggestions?) THE BOTCHER BOY 2.0 By Bob Coltman April 12, 2006 In New Orleans where did dwell, To pull my pud I loved full well, I pulled my pud both night and day, Until my hand went far astray. There is a place in yonders town Where I have done it sitting down, I've done it standing, and on my knee, Even though bystanders criticize me. It's grief to me, I'll tell you why, Others have done it more than I, But though I jerk, and let it fly, My life will shortly go bye-bye. He went upstairs to make his bed, And not one word to his mother said, His mother she went upstairs too, Said, son, dear son, now aren't you through? His father he came home from work, Said where is Son, he's like clockwork, He went upstairs, the door he broke, He found the monkey had been choked. He took a knife and cut it down, And on his crotch this note he found, Oh what a silly boy was I To die of strangling my old snake-eye. Go dig my grave both wide and deep, Tie my hands so I can sleep, And on my coffin a latex glove, To show this world I died of love. |
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12 Apr 06 - 07:06 AM (#1716011) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Bob Coltman or, better ( = worse) maybe, Where is Son, does he still jerk? |
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12 Apr 06 - 10:34 PM (#1716913) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Sandy Paton Additional folkloric comment: Didn't John Henry die with his hammer in his hand? |
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13 Apr 06 - 05:43 PM (#1717570) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Bob Coltman I would think beating a steam drill down must, in this context, be Olympic quality athletics. As Dr. Johnson once said, "Very good—of its kind." Oh, and by the way, I now prefer "DIED OF LOVE" as the title for my opus above. Tain't perfect...(perfect taint?)...but an improvement. And so impeccably (impeccably? don't start) traditional too. I think we're beginning to prove that Everything Is Double Entendre. And after all, why not. Bob |
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13 Apr 06 - 08:03 PM (#1717649) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: The Fooles Troupe Damn, this thread is popular! |
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13 Apr 06 - 08:29 PM (#1717675) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Bill D "When properly viewed, Everything's lewd!" |
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13 Apr 06 - 09:09 PM (#1717709) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST The village choirboy he was there And thought that it was grand Amusing himself by abusing himself And collecting the drops in his hand. |
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13 Apr 06 - 09:39 PM (#1717739) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Charley Noble A shiek from old Timbuctu Said, "When properly viewed, Virgins are nice, With hot butter and rice, And everything's perfectly lewd!" Charkey Ignoble |
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14 Apr 06 - 12:58 AM (#1717857) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Art Thieme The first limerick i ever heard... I think I was 3. Once was a young man from Kalamazoo Went sailing one night in his canoe While dreaming of Venus he tickled his penis, And woke up with a canoe full o' goo. |
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14 Apr 06 - 01:36 AM (#1717890) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Bentley There was a young man from Bangkok Who got his tool caught in a rock He pulled it so hard That he stretched it a yard Now the women hang round in a flock |
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14 Apr 06 - 03:32 AM (#1717916) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Folkiedave Man goes to doctor and says he has a penis problem. The doctor asks him about his sex life. "I make love when I wake up, once after breakfast, come home for a quickie during my morning break, make love before and after lunch, come home for a quickie in my afternoon break, make love before and after tea, go to bed about 9.00 pm and spend the time to midnight making love". When the doctor tells him he doesn't seem to have a penis problem he tells the doctor, "But it hurts when I wank". |
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14 Apr 06 - 04:52 AM (#1717940) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: John MacKenzie On the Doric dialect theme, there was also the story about an Aberdonian child on his first ski-ing trip, who when given skis to don asked the teacher. "Fit fit fits fit?" Another of his contemporaries when asked if he knew what jazz is, said "Aye it's thon big white shark" Giok I'll get ma bunnet. |
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14 Apr 06 - 06:09 PM (#1718359) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Jim McLean Aye, Giok, and there's wee lassie who said to her teacher "D'ye no' know no no Nannette?" |
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15 Apr 06 - 02:42 AM (#1718540) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: alanabit He took his life in his hands? |
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15 Apr 06 - 04:34 AM (#1718560) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: John MacKenzie It was suicide if he died by his own hand! G |
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15 Apr 06 - 05:59 AM (#1718589) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST I've got the whole world in my hand, I've got the whole world in my hand, I've got the whole world in my hand, I've got the whole world in my hand. I've got my... etc. |
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17 Apr 06 - 07:52 AM (#1720093) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST Let it go, let it go, God bless it, It's mine wherever it may be, I've yanked it this wide world over, But now it's been the death of me. |
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17 Apr 06 - 11:33 AM (#1720229) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Nigel Parsons Sex is good for one, But even better for two! |
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17 Apr 06 - 12:11 PM (#1720266) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: frogprince What a bunch of jerks! |
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17 Apr 06 - 05:08 PM (#1720524) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Tootler M.C. And in this cage, ladies and gentlemen we have the Winky Wanky bird Audience (incredulous) The Winky Wanky Bird? M.C. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Winky Wanky Bird. This amazing creature has its foreskin attached to it eyelid, so [pause for effect] as it winks; it wanks! Audience (bursting into song) We're off to see the wild west show The elephant and the kangaroo Never mind the weather As long as we're together We're off to see the wild west show. |
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17 Apr 06 - 08:14 PM (#1720637) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Granny Safe Sex is in the palm of your hand.... |
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17 Apr 06 - 08:36 PM (#1720651) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: JohnB No Lady please don't throw sand in it's eyes. As Ken Dodd used to sing "happiness apenis the GREATEST gift that I posses, I thank the Lord that I,ve been blessed, with more than my share of Apenis" And in the words of the Egg Marketing Board "A penis is Egg shaped" JohnB |
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18 Apr 06 - 08:15 AM (#1720991) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST HOUSE OF THE RISING SON I yanked it in New Orleans, From sun to rising sun, It's been the ruin of many a poor boy, And me, oh God, I'm one. My mama said I would go blind, Ever since I was in my teens, My papa said I would go mad, Way down in New Orleans. One finger on the cockshaft, The other on my brain, I'm going back to New Orleans To wear that daisy chain. My life is almost over, My race is almost run, I'm going to give it one more jerk And then, oh God, I'm done. Go tell my baby brother Never do as I have done, Just keep your hands in your pockets, boy, And off your Rising Son. |
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19 Apr 06 - 12:54 AM (#1721621) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: GUEST,Sandy Andina An Arkansas woman named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In South Carolina And most of her anus in Dallas. |
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25 Apr 06 - 11:50 AM (#1727019) Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation) From: Mr Happy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation |