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19 Apr 06 - 09:31 AM (#1721746) Subject: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: GUEST,Gadaffi I have been asked to pose as a soothsayer/alchemist character at the forthcoming Guildford Summerpole day organised by the Pilgrim Morris Men. The vision I have is some kind of random Gandalf the Grey-type figure uttering mad vaguely-humorous oaths/words of wisdom upon demand between the gaps between the dancing. Ideas so far include The Weather Forecast monologue by Marty Feldman, Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll, Stop All the Clocks by W.H. Auden, Our Revels Now are Ended by Shakespeare, and lines from Is This the End of the World as we Know It by REM. Any more ideas? The result, as said, needs to be brief, loud, humourous (punch line an advantage), not too embarassing, and suitable for an audience of mixed shoppers, bystanders and morris people, and made before I retire betweentimes to the Summer King's court to taste the King's beer lest it should be poisoned! |
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19 Apr 06 - 09:38 AM (#1721750) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: MMario Ladles and jellyspoons - I stand in front of you to stand in back of you and tell you something of which I know nothing about. |
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19 Apr 06 - 09:42 AM (#1721753) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: GUEST A bit of Edgar Allen Poe? The Raven? |
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19 Apr 06 - 09:57 AM (#1721761) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: DMcG Get hold of a copy of "The History of the Kings of Britain" by Geoffrey of Monmouth and quote some of Merlin's. Some of them are available online. |
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19 Apr 06 - 10:14 AM (#1721774) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Paul Burke Stanley Unwin's your man. Or anything by Intelligent Design supporters. |
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19 Apr 06 - 10:38 AM (#1721793) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: jeffp Professor Irwin Corey might also be fun. |
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19 Apr 06 - 10:58 AM (#1721799) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Bill D ONE SMALL SCORE FOR TWO BROWN EYES (Quick, my love, fetch the torch, there is no longer dark.) "Evening is dawn; And night unknown. But here in the morn The mists are grown; And only the loon Will laugh alone; And only the lone Are lorn." Porkypine 1955 from "The Pogo Peek-A-Book", Walt Kelly |
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19 Apr 06 - 01:38 PM (#1721962) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: GUEST,Mrr I was dressed as a soothsayer for Halloween once, and was going around with my kids making ramdom predictions, but I really upset a grown-up who was working on his car... I predicted in a doomsday voice, It Will Never Start Again! and he freaked out. So be careful... |
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19 Apr 06 - 01:50 PM (#1721974) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: fat B****rd I've always liked Elisha's prediction from Moby Dick. Er....land when there is no land etcetc. I'll get me harpoon. |
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19 Apr 06 - 05:29 PM (#1722230) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: beardedbruce soothe, soothe... |
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19 Apr 06 - 06:41 PM (#1722306) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Alice Anything from the Marx Brothers, W.C. Fields, Monty Python. |
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19 Apr 06 - 06:45 PM (#1722311) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Bill D soothe, soothe? Are you a sooth soother? |
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19 Apr 06 - 07:44 PM (#1722348) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Amos The sooth needs no soothing, nor truth smoothing, Bill. LOVE your Porkypine poem! A |
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19 Apr 06 - 11:46 PM (#1722489) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Joybell The Two Ronnies had some good ones: No matter how hot the day -- in the night it will be dark. Many a true word is spoken through false teeth. Also anything by "Kosma Prytkov", the creation of Alexei Tolstoi, found at a number of websites. Example: Which is more important, the sun or the moon? the moon, of course, because it shines at night, while the sun shines during the day, when it is light already. Cheers, Joy |
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20 Apr 06 - 06:15 AM (#1722629) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: autolycus "Forsoote, suit, suit,suit,suit,suit and suit." "What manner of idiot is this that keeps saying 'suit'?" "Little does he know that I'm a suitsayer." from The Goon Show, "Robin of Sherwood". I spelt it that way for the pronunciation. One of my favourite bits of soothsaying,"Read my lips,...." Rest of the quote so familiar. George Bush snr, in case. Ivor |
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20 Apr 06 - 08:06 AM (#1722682) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: GUEST,Gadaffi Greetings, Joybell! This lead sounds promising. Have you any URLs for Kosma Prytkov and/or Alexei Tolstoi. The usual Google searches revealed nothing, even for a possible misspelling. |
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20 Apr 06 - 08:52 AM (#1722699) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Mo the caller The snippets of wisdom in the Les Barker monologue that ( i think) start "Go quietly" The bits that stick in the mind are Do not walk in front, I may not follow, do not walk behind, I may not lead .... go over there somewhere Never stand between a dog and a lamppost (Sorry if I've got them wrong, or breached copyright) |
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20 Apr 06 - 11:07 AM (#1722811) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Dave the Gnome It will either rain or go dark before morning. |
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20 Apr 06 - 11:15 AM (#1722826) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Flash Company The Crazy Gang did a good one with Bud Flanagan in eastern costume with a peculiar sort of wand. Bud; I'm a mystic. Ches; What have you got in your hand? Bud; Me stick! Ches; No, what have you got in your other hand? (Bud's other hand was kept behind his back.) Bud;(ignoring question) Would you like your palm read? Ches; (holding out hand) Yes please! Bud produces large paint brush full of red paint from behind his back and applies it to Ches's hand. I remember Bernie Winters pulling that one on Michael Parkinson. The expression on Parkie's face was almost as outraged as when Rod Hull's Emu had a go at him. FC |
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20 Apr 06 - 01:06 PM (#1722945) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Kaleea Anybody remember the "incantation" used by the the Wizard of Id? Something about Frammin on the jim jam . . . |
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20 Apr 06 - 01:46 PM (#1722974) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: GUEST,Mrr Frammin on the jimjam, frippen at the krotz, is what I recall... |
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20 Apr 06 - 02:30 PM (#1723021) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: frogprince You might consider throwing in a little biblical wisdom: I Chronicles 26:18, King James version: "At parbar westward, four at the causeway and two at parbar". |
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20 Apr 06 - 11:07 PM (#1723495) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Joybell hello, Gaddafi: Joybell's truluv here. try the spelling Kozma Prutkov. meanwhile, here are a few of my favorites (c1853-54): Nobody can embrace the unembraceable. If you have a fountain, shut it up. Let even a fountain have rest. The reason death is put at the end of life is so we can prepare for it more comfortably. Watch out! Even turpentine is useful for something. Looking into the distance, you will see the distance. Looking to the sky, you will see the sky. Looking into a small mirror, you will see only your own face. Where is the beginning of the end that comes at the end of the beginning? Even an oyster has enemies. If upon the cage of an elephant you see a sign reading "buffalo", do not believe your eyes. Don't walk on a slope -- you will wear your boots down on one side. Who prevents you from inventing waterproof gunpowder? If all the past were present, and the present existed along with the future, who would be able to distinguish where are the causes and where are the consequences? Without colors, all people would be dressed in grey. Death and the sun cannot stare at each other. Wisdom is like turtle soup, in that not everybody can get it. Man's head was put on the top of his body, so that he would not walk with his feet in the air. Prutkov was the creation of Alexei Tolstoi and a couple of other poets. Books were published in his name, and he was given a bio, which fooled masses of middleclass russians for years. they thought him terribly wise, and would quote him to each other. a sort of early Kahlil Gibran. enjoy. |
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20 Apr 06 - 11:19 PM (#1723503) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Bert Beware the Ides of March! Which you could change to the next nearest Roman calendar holiday such as "Beware the Calends of June" or "Beware the Nones of October" "Caveat Emptor" |
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21 Apr 06 - 03:04 AM (#1723559) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: katlaughing You could have fun with some excerpts from Les Barker's "Deja Vu." |
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25 Apr 06 - 06:11 AM (#1726728) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: GUEST If a man wants to argue with you, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you'll be a mile away, and you'll have his shoes.... |
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25 Apr 06 - 06:21 AM (#1726733) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Jack the Sailor A few Bushifms throw in. "You misunderestimate me!" "Is our children learning?" "Make the pie higher!" |
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25 Apr 06 - 11:01 AM (#1726965) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: HuwG Senna, the Soothsayer (Jeanne Mockford): "Woe ! Woe, and thrice woe !" Lurcio (Frankie Howerd): "Oh dear. She's let her horse get away again." From Up Pompeii. Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know. Here I am talking to parties. I came here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods look down and laugh. This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach. A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - all from Groucho Marx. |
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25 Apr 06 - 11:31 AM (#1726994) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Bill D It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide. |
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25 Apr 06 - 02:19 PM (#1727183) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Kaleea When I was a kid coming up in Tulsa, Oklahoma, there was a hometown kid named Gailard Sartain whose character, the wizard known as Dr. Mazeppa Pompazoidi, was on TV each Saturday night doing live comedy bits as he hosted some "horror" flick. As I recall, his favorite phrase was "Lawzee!" Perhaps if there is anyone out there who was in Oklahoma at the turn of the 70's, they can recall his humorous statements. Gailard later was an actor on Hee Haw, & movies, & portrayed the sherrif in some movie--was it Smokey & the Bandit? |
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25 Apr 06 - 03:24 PM (#1727247) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: autolycus v You will meet a tall, dark stranger." Wonder the origin of that? Ivor |
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26 Apr 06 - 06:12 AM (#1727725) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: GUEST,Le Citron Vert Anything by Derek & Clive. |
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26 Apr 06 - 10:33 AM (#1727878) Subject: RE: BS: Things (mad) soothsayers say From: Donuel Members of a New York City Islamist society who protested outside the Israeli consulate in Manhattan on Friday chanted threats about a second Holocaust and warned that Israel will be attacked with nuclear weapons. Video of the rally can now be downloaded from the NEFA Foundation website (http://www.nefafoundation.org) look for link at right to "Islamist Pro Suicide Bombing Rally in NYC." Renowned terrorism expert Steven Emerson reports on his "Counterterrorism Blog" that protesters from the Queens-based Islamic Thinkers Society chanted in Arabic: "Zionists, Zionists You will pay! The Wrath of Allah is on its way! Israeli Zionists You shall pay! The Wrath of Allah is on its way! The mushroom cloud is on its way! The real Holocaust is on its way!" In case anyone missed he message, the demonstrators repeated the Holocaust threat, shouting: "Israel won't last long . . . Indeed, Allah will repeat the Holocaust right on the soil of Israel . . . Another mushroom cloud, right in the midst of Israel!" The same protesters also had some choice words for U.S. counterterrorism agencies: "We know many government services are watching us. Such as the FBI, CIA, Mossad, Homeland Security . . . We know we are getting on their nerves. And so are you . . . So we say the hell with you! May the FBI burn in Hell. CIA burn in Hell. Mossad burn in Hell. Homeland Security burn in hell!!" Emerson called the protesters a "small but loud group of men" and said he intends to post videotape of the demonstration on his website. |