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17 Jan 07 - 06:41 PM (#1939935) Subject: Musical Themed Humour From: The Fooles Troupe Politically Correct Musical Works Britten: Simple Symphony -- Differently Intelligent Symphony Ethel Smyth: The Wreckers -- The Beachcombers who Benefit from Maritime Misfortune Holst: The Perfect Fool -- The Ideal but Intellectually Challenged Person Goetz: Taming of the Shrew -- Pacification of Dissatisfied Partner Sullivan: Pirates of Penzance -- Independent Maritime Tax Officers of Penzance Berlioz: The Damnation of Faust -- Community Service Order of Faust Tchaikovsky: The Queen of Spades -- The Person of Afro-Caribbean Rossini: The Thieving Magpie -- The Bird with an Alternative Concept of Property Ownership Vivaldi: The Four Seasons -- Quarterly Meteorological Phenomena Mozart: Don Giovanni; or, the Dissolute One Punished -- The Behaviour Modification of John, a Morally Challenged Sexually Active Person |
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17 Jan 07 - 06:45 PM (#1939938) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: The Fooles Troupe Simple Metronome Construction Kit -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A. MATERIALS NEEDED A length of string. Weight to attach to string. Fishing line or curtain weights work well. Pebbles may be used for a little rock music. Scissors. First aid kit (optional). B. CONSTRUCTION It is important to start with the right string. The string should be no longer than one half of the director's height. For rehearsals, one may use the end of one's rope, but for performance a quality instrument is desirable. Here are some suggestions: For soft music use one-ply yarn (una corda). For Handel's Water Music, or sea shanties, use fishing line. For Bach airs, a G string is authentic. For Gospel music use a golden cord if possible. A silver cord may be substituted, but remember, "Some day the silver cord will break." Lutherans may wish to purchase the Concordia special. For dance music, some directors prefer twine. For all other music, ordinary string will do just fine. But see footnote 1. Make a loop in one end. Attach a small weight to the other end, and to keep the string taut and firm (the technical name for this is tautology or firmata). Slip the loop over the index finger of the left hand and check the length of the pendulum thus created. If the weight rubs against your toe as it swings, this will disturb the tempo (rubato), so the string should be shortened. For 'cut time,' cut the string in half. Do not make the loop too large or it may slip off your finger and fall to the floor, necessitating a 'pick-up beat.' Beware of the impulse to go to any length to impress your musicians: it is embarrassing to trip on one's metronome (cardiologists call this 'skipping a beat'). C. OPERATION Start the weight swinging with an elegant motion of the left wrist, and observe the pattern made by the moving weight. If the weight swings directly past one's legs like a pendulum, the speed is allegro. If the weight oscillates in slow loops or circles, the speed is andante, a term derived from the poet Dante's musical wife Ann, who moved in the best circles of the day. Never use a borrowed string, because the speed is always lento. Some directors like to show off by producing their metronome from a magician's hat - presto! However, basically the metronome will indicate one of two speeds as above: (a) fast, and (b) slow. Speed (a) is often indicated in the score by a tempo. If the string stops moving before the music is finished, then the choir sang too slowly. Adjust the choir's speed, unless this is a chronic condition, in which case lengthen the string. If the string is still moving when the music finishes, the choir sang too fast (stringendo). Adjust the choir's speed so that it finishes at the exact moment the weight stops moving. In very difficult pieces it may be helpful to have a pair of scissors handy for a precise cut-off. If the choir sings every piece at the same pace, the singers are probably tired (listlesso tempo). Put away your metronome and dismiss the rehearsal. Some directors have adapted the metronome, by substituting elastic for string, so that they can cast the weight at offending singers and retrieve it by pulling it back in. This may be the origin of the old term beat-nick, or beatnik. A direct hit will get most singers' attention but an apologiatura should immediately be offered. Good manners must always be stringently observed. If the string breaks (broken cord), the music is too weighty for the choir. This is the only infallible method of objective repertoire evaluation known to musicians, and is in itself worth the price of the instrument alone. Do not repair the string, as ties disturb the rhythm. Get a new string. While using the metronome, do not attempt to direct with your left hand, or you may do mortal (grave) injury to someone. Keep the first aid kit handy in case of memory lapse. Like any precision string instrument, this metronome should be treated with care. Do not allow the string to become twisted or tangled. Store the string and weight in a cool, dry place, such as the base of the podium (string base), or suspend it from the branch of any large indoor plant (tre corde). High-strung directors have been known to use ceiling hooks for storage. D. HISTORICAL BACKGROUND This simple and inexpensive method of keeping time is said to have been invented in 1534 by Orlando di Lasso (an Italian cowboy singer), when he was choirmaster at a church in Rome. Authorized by papal concordat, its use spread to other countries and other communions. In Renaissance times large choirs with multiple choruses used as many as four at once (thus inventing the string quartet). When the clockwork metronome was invented in 1814, the older method fell sadly into disuse. Fortunately, examples were preserved in Swiss bank vaults by the well-known metro-gnomes of Zurich, and recent research by musicologists has brought them to light. Documentation is on file at the Arizona State University in (of course) Tempi. Footnote 1. - More exotic refinements have been reported in the literature, such as silk thread for oriental music, coloured string for dinner music (cordon bleu), and even the simultaneous use of different lengths of string for 12-tone music (scordatura); but for the most part these are regarded as unworthy of attention by the serious conductor. Beware of waxed strings made of candlewick - unless you like your director to wax eloquent while shedding little light. Some directors love to tell stories, so may appreciate a model made with good yarn. One modern development should, however, be mentioned for the safety of the reader. It is prudent in some electronic music to use an insulated cord (ground bass). [Second Edition (c) 1997 by Wilbur Skeels. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced or retransmitted without inclusion of this paragraph. May not be reproduced in any form or at any event for which a fee is charged, without written permission. Write to 1275 Hendrix Avenue, Thousand Oaks, CA 91360.] |
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17 Jan 07 - 06:51 PM (#1939944) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: The Fooles Troupe Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians 12 Tone Scale - The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with A 440 - The highway that runs around Nashville Aeolian Mode - How you like Mama's cherry pie Altos - Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes" Arpeggio - "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?" Bach Chorale - The place behind the barn where you keep the horses Bass - The things you run around in softball Bassoon - Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when Big Band - When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players Bossa Nova - The car your foreman drives Cadenza - That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes Cello - The proper way to answer the phone Clarinet - Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo Clef - What you try never to fall off of Bass Clef - Where you wind up if you do fall off Conductor - The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham Cut Time - Parole Cymbal - What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with Diminished Fifth - An empty bottle of Jack Daniels First Inversion - Grandpa's battle group at Normandy French Horn - Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m. Major Scale - What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!" Melodic Minor - Loretta Lynn's singing dad Minor Third - Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling Order of Sharps - What a wimp gets at the bar Passing Tone - Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues Perfect Fifth - A full bottle of Jack Daniels Perfect Pitch - The smooth coating on a freshly paved road Pianissimo - "Refill this beer bottle" Portamento - A foreign country you've always wanted to see Quarter Tone - What most standard pickups can haul Relative Major - An uncle in the Marine Corps Relative Minor - A girlfriend Repeat - What you do until they just expel you Ritard - There's one in every family Sonata - What you get from a bad cold or hay fever Staccato How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home Tempo - Good choice for a used car Time Signature - What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in Transpositions - Men who wear dresses Treble - Women ain't nothin' but Tuba - A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!" Whole Note - What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year (That's enough for today!) |
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18 Jan 07 - 04:06 PM (#1940887) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: bubblyrat Actually, "Perfect Pitch " ( at least in the UK ) is usually defined as the sound made by a banjo as it hits the bottom of a deep mineshaft. Of course, it doesn"t HAVE to be a banjo----It depends on what sort of "session" you"re in.Most days, I would happily substitute E-flat Bass, or Electric Piano.I don"t know what sort of music the latter was designed for, but traditional English music it was NOT !! |
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18 Jan 07 - 04:53 PM (#1940936) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: Mrrzy 2 drums and a snare fell down a well (ba-da tzing!) |
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18 Jan 07 - 05:01 PM (#1940954) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: Rapparee PMS: Pre-minstrel syndrome. What you get just before a singing gig. |
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18 Jan 07 - 05:52 PM (#1940999) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: Bill D Hmmmpf! Rapaire...I invented that line myself a few years ago! (Even got to use it on a friend once..*grin*) How dare anyone come up with the same clever humor as me! |
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19 Jan 07 - 01:29 AM (#1941309) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: The Fooles Troupe From Jaycar Electronics Aust (they have branches in other countries!) Finger Drum Kit For the Hmmm, I think I could mount one on top of my Piano Accordion.... |
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19 Jan 07 - 01:37 AM (#1941311) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: Alec Q)What do deadheads say when the acid wears off? A)What's that ****ing hideous noise? |
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19 Jan 07 - 06:10 AM (#1941390) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: Leadfingers Perfect Pitch - Getting the banjo in the skip at fifty paces without touching the sides Absolute Pitch - Getting the banjo and the banjo player in the skip at fifty paces without touching the sides Relative Pitch - Gettting the banjo , the banjo player , AND the banjo players Brother in the skip at fifty pces without touching the sides Perfect Pitch (Alternate) - Getting the banjo in the skip Dead centre on the Bodhran/Accordion at fifity paces Etc |
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19 Jan 07 - 06:16 AM (#1941391) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: John MacKenzie For skip read dumpster in the US ¦¬] G |
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19 Jan 07 - 07:08 AM (#1941410) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: The Fooles Troupe So where's Dumpstery been lately? {:-P |
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19 Jan 07 - 07:35 AM (#1941425) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: Dave Hanson Perfect pitch-hitting the skip first time with the banjo at 25 paces, and smashing an accordion and a bodhran as it lands. eric |
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19 Jan 07 - 08:21 AM (#1941456) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: The Fooles Troupe Collective Nouns for Brass Band Instrumentalists Conductors - deity Sopranos - lonely, squeal Cornets - shrill, host Backrow - cornets chatter Flugels - half-breed Horns - dog, heaven, offbeat Baritones - pointless Euphoniums - rubato Trombones - gigless, dustbin, parp, rasp Basses - waste, pride, pitchless, pretence, murder, barrage, chunter, rumble, herd Percussionists - persecution, psychosis, concussion, shedbuilder Adjudicators - deafness Composers - programme Audience - absence |
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19 Jan 07 - 08:25 AM (#1941462) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: The Fooles Troupe Waltzing Matilda Some discussions and observations on Australia's well-known national song, Waltzing Matilda. * We have suggested that the jolly swagman who went Waltzing Matilda was named Andy...as in ''Andy sang as he watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled...'' * 'It's well known he was a Mexican, as in "Juan's a jolly swagman...'' * Reflecting the origins of the poem, the Swagman really must have been a German rather than someone of Spanish extraction. So his name would have been Hans ("Hans a jolly swagman ..."). * Wrong! says Robert Leong, ''My great-grandfather's third cousin came to Australia to build the railroads and go gold prospecting, and all his descendants know that Wong's The Jolly Swagman...'' * Mrs L. Jackson wrote: ''I am surprised you don't know it was an English royal, travelling incognito, as in One's a Jolly Swagman.'' * Swagman's relatives hit back - Mr Wesley Bone wanted to stop the publicising of his namesake, Wes, the Jolly Jumbuck. "Hasn't he suffered enough?" * The swagman's brother - 'Is there some family connection between Juan, The Jolly Swagman and Raul Britannia? * What about Wal? Hardly anybody in the story says anything without immediately pausing and requesting Wal, sing 'Matilda'. |
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19 Jan 07 - 03:42 PM (#1941861) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: bubblyrat No! No! It was WALT !! You know, --the bloke who sat under the Abbar Tree that was---well, "COOL " ! |
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19 Jan 07 - 07:15 PM (#1942058) Subject: RE: Musical Themed Humour From: The Fooles Troupe The ABBA Tree?!! AAGGGHHHHH!!! Run Away!!! |