I wish I had known about this when I was a free swinging Orangutan back home. I miss the parties we would have. Our social mixers consisted of such time honoured games like Hide the Banana or Flea Dunking contests. The women loved the flea dunking contests. Us males would put our heads in their laps and try to eat the most fleas. Those women always got real excited about that game. Then came the human men. It started innocent. My brother Chang one day brought a male human to one of our parties. His name was Allan Quartermain. I think he was a soap opera star. Anyways, He brought Mr. Quartermain and Quartermain seemed a really decent fellow, for a human. You know those humans, they are real savages. Though they do have some really fine women...hmmmm mmm. Well, then Quartermain wanted to invite some friends of his and so we let him. Those friends offered to show us around the cities if we ever went touring and offerred us free room and board and even a free flight. Like, naive little Chimps, we agreed. It was the worst mistake in my life. I was sent to a research facility where they had me mate with all sorts of things, in an attempt to cross breed. I even had a few a children. I remember they once had me mate with an ass. I had a son that time.   We called him George. They took him away from us and sent him to some research lab in Crawford, Texas. The poor ass was never the same after that. I think her name was Barbara. I can't remember. Anyways, eventually I was sent to a zoo, to live with other apelike creatures. They had parties there too, but they were as exciting as a GOP Convention. So I introduced the aforementioned games and taught them how to ferment bananas to get drunk and now the parties are wild. We even started our own house band. It was called the Swinger's Club. We weren't any good, but we enjoyed doing it. Anywasy now, since I escaped the zoo, I have been living along the Pacific Coast, enjoying my time as a free Orangutan. I have been consumed by the writing bug, and have been writing my own memoirs and stories, even a song or two. I still miss the jungles of home though.