Little Miss Muffet
Sat oin a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
There came a big spider
who sat down bwside her
And she said "Bugger off, hairy-legs!"

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating a Christmas pie
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
Saying: "Bugger me, that's hot!"

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does you garden grow
With horse manure - idiot!

Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four-and-twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie
When the pie was opened,
The King screamed "Off with the cooks head!"

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he
He called for a light in the middle of the night
To go to the W.C.
The light shone on the dunny door
The candle took a fit
Old King Cole fell down the hole
And came coverd in
[singing sweetly]
Sweeeet Vi-o-lets
Sweeter than the ros-es
Covered all over from head to toe
Covered all over in . . . (finish it with one word abruptly - depending on your own politeness and the audiences broad or narrow-mindedness)

Speaking of which - I'm pretty broad minded, but SPAW - go to your room!

Muttley